While he goes to retrieve the baby in her bassinet, Michael tells them,"Tell Sylvia she's got a lot of nerve dumping her problems in our laps." Of course they have no idea who Sylvia is and ask him who she is. Michael ignores their question and goes on to say, "When it first got here, we considered calling the cops." They look a little concerned about that, ha! Also, I understand for the sake of the misunderstanding, they call the baby an "it" because it would be weird if he referred to the drugs (yes, there are drugs in that package, are you that surprised?) as a "she", but it's still really weird that Michael and Peter have been taking care of Mary for four days and refer to her as an "it". Michael continues to tell them that they haven't been able to work or sleep and there's shit everywhere (heh). They look thoroughly confused at that! They take this to mean that the package "busted". Peter returns and hands a befuddled Vince the baby in her bassinet and tells him she'll be ready for her next bottle in forty-five minutes. When he tells him that he forgot the powdered milk and goes to retrieve this, Vince assumes that this must be what he's actually there for cuz he's all like, "Oh, yeah, powdered milk, can't forget that." Once the powdered milk has been placed in the bassinet, Vince realizes that they want him to take the baby and they tell him that was the arrangement. Okay, so obviously, Peter and Michael are very clueless about what's going on, but you would think Vince and Satch would know something was up or at least be warned if a baby was involved (and you'd have to be a very special kind of f**ked up person to have a baby involved with drug dealings!) Like, what are they planning on doing with this baby? I doubt they're calling the cops!
Before they leave, Peter gives them some tips, then adds that maybe they should leave their phone number in case they need advice, but Vince tells him he'll call him if he needs to.
Now you may be thinking, aren't Peter and Michael a bit concerned about what they just did? Why are they handing over this baby to two strange men who don't give off the best vibe? And yes, they are concerned. Well, at least Peter is. Michael is enjoying the peace and quiet, but Peter tells him he has a "funny feeling" that "something screwy is going on." Yes, Peter, your instincts are right! Michael tells him that he's been tense for the last five days and it it's "just [his] nerves unwinding" and Peter agrees that's probably what it is. After Michael gets up from the couch, Peter leans back and he retrieves the package that Michael had thrown on the couch earlier (you know, the one with the drugs in it; the real package that was to be picked up by Vince and Satch). He asks Michael what it is and he says it's a package that Mrs. Hathaway delivered to him on Sunday and it soon clicks that they made a huge mistake and Peter runs downstairs to try to catch them before they leave.
The two hoodlums are driving a convertible, a car this is most definitely not equipped for carrying a baby. Satch suggest that Vince put the baby in the trunk (WTF?) and Vince is about to go through with this, but realizes he can't put a baby in the trunk. Peter comes running out of the elevator and trips on a rug in the lobby, making him drop the package and it rips a little and he can sees packets of heroin. (Look, I'm no drug expert, but aren't drug packaged a little more covertly?) I guess this scene is there so the audience (and the protagonists) knows that there are indeed drugs in that package. He puts the package in his pocket and tells Vince that he made a terrible mistake and that he gave him the wrong package. He tries to get the baby back, but for some reason, Vince won't let go of the bassinet. I guess he thinks the drugs are still with the baby, but why not just take the powdered milk and let Peter have the baby? That is what he will do in the end, but it's still a little weird that he wanted to take the baby. Satch, who's sitting in the driver's seat, reaches for a gun that's in the glove compartment, but quickly puts it away when a policeman on horseback comes riding up and asks Vince if he was about to put the baby in the trunk, which he strongly denies.
The policeman tells Vince he's double parked and wants to see his driver's license and registration. Vince gives Peter the baby in her bassinet, but takes the powered milk. He tells the officer he'll be right back, but as soon as he gets in the car they speeds away. The officer then wants to see Peter's identification, but he doesn't have it with him, so he invites him up to his apartment. The officer wants to search him, but Peter can't let him do that because of the drugs. He tells him he's an architect and he's not going to "spread them" because he has a baby with him. The officer accepts his invitation to go up to his apartment so Peter can show him his ID. Once they get to the front door, Peter invites him in for a cup of coffee, but the officer tells him he's gonna wait by the front door. I'm surprised he didn't insist on following him to be sure there was no funny business (which there will be!). Peter hands over the baby and drugs to Michael, telling him to hide the drugs. which he will do by using an X-acto knife to cut into one of Mary's (clean) diapers and hiding them in there. He then proceeds to put the diaper on Mary who needed to be changed. This will be later used as comedy, but it makes no sense that he would put a drug-laden diaper on a baby.
Before Peter had gone downstairs to get Mary back, the audience is shown an older man in a car, who seems to be keeping an eye on Vince and Satch. Obviously he is aware of their nefarious ways. He has come up to the apartment and tells the policeman he can leave. He introduces himself to Peter as Detective Sergeant Melkowitz (played by Philip Bosco) in Narcotics. He has a few questions for Peter. He asks him about the baby and Peter tells him she belongs to his roommate. He asks him about the two guys he saw talking downstairs and he says they are friends of the mother's and they they were going to take the baby for a ride, but they couldn't because the car had no baby seat. This is a terrible (and obvious) lie. What kind of idiot would take a baby for a ride, but not have a car seat? Also, who is going to let these two take their baby "for a ride"? (And, yes, I realize that Peter and Michael almost let them do that exact thing!) I did wonder why he just didn't tell the Detective the truth, that there had been a misunderstanding, but by that time they were too far in, hiding the drugs and all. They also probably didn't want Jack to get in trouble. Plus we need more plot for the movie!
Melkowitz asks if he can see the baby, but Peter tells him she's sleeping and as soon as he says that, we hear Mary babbling behind the closed door. He tries to tell him that she doesn't like strangers, but the detective opens the door and luckily the drugs are hidden by that time! In fact, Mary is wearing them. Melkowitz picks her up and calls her "a heavy little girl." This is supposed to be played as a comedic scene because the narcotics officer is literally holding a lot of illegal drugs...but he doesn't even know it! Also, while Mary is a healthy-looking baby, she clearly isn't a chubby baby, so you think he would put two and two together and realize why she was so heavy. He notices the diaper is a bit lumpy and tells them she needs to be changed. Surely people can't be this stupid. Michael quickly takes her and goes back into the room to "change" her, closing the door.
Melkowitz asks Peter if he knows where Jack is at the moment and he tells him he's "on location doing a TV movie", but lies about telling him he doesn't know where. I feel like that would send up a red flag to me: your friend is doing a TV movie, but they didn't tell you where they would be? That seems fishy! The detective shows him a picture of Jack's director (and druggie, apparently) friend and tells him his name is Paul Milner and that he directs TV commercials and "on the side, he dabbles in heroin smuggling."
The phone rings then and Peter lets the answering machine get it, but once he hears Jack's voice on the machine, he runs to answer the phone in another room. Now, for some reason, the detective hears the entire conversation. Even though Peter has answered the phone, I guess the detective can still hear the conversation on the answering machine. I would think that once you pick up the phone and answer the call, the machine would stop recording? IDK. I'm sure I've used answering machines before, but I honestly don't remember the mechanics of them. Thank God those days are over! Anyway, Melkowitz hears this entire conversation which consists of Jack telling Peter he got a message that they've been been trying to reach him. Peter tells him now is not a good time to chat, but Jack doesn't want to call back because it took him an hour to get through. He then proceeds to tell him how he found all this great "stuff" in Turkey and that he may have to "smuggle" it back. He's just joking, but it sure doesn't sound good to the narcotics detective!
Melkowitz finally does leave and Peter and Michael do wonder if it's possible that Jack is involved with these drug dealers. Michael has moved the drugs to the garbage, under all the dirty diapers because no one will look there. (The sad thing is, there are probably some druggies out there who would still use those drugs even if they've been sitting under a pile of literal sh*t!)
The next day, both Peter and Michael have places they need to be, so they hire Mrs. Hathaway to baby-sit Mary. When Peter comes back later, the apartment has been completely ransacked and their landlady has been tied up to a chair. Of course, Peter's first concern is Mary, but Mrs. H. doesn't where she is. After tearing through his huge apartment, he's relieved when he finally finds her in a small closet. There's a note attached to her saying that she'll be taken next time. So it's obvious to the audience (and Peter and Michael) that this was Vince and Satch, looking for the drugs. But Mrs. Hathaway doesn't know this. She doesn't seem to have any questions. She doesn't call the police. You think being their landlady, she would have a lot more questions! They just kind of pretend that she forgot about this whole incident. It was odd. We never do see Mrs. Hathaway in the movie again.
One night, after everyone has gone to bed, Peter sees someone sneaking into the apartment and it's so obvious it's Jack. Thinking it's one of the drug mules, he attacks the intruder and that's when he realizes it's Jack who tells him his part was cut and that's why he's back early. After he asks what's going on, he hears a baby cry. Peter and Michael explain everything to him. Jack remembers meeting Sylvia a year and a half ago when he was in Stratford and they were both performing The Taming of The Shrew. His roommates tell him it's his turn to take care of the baby since they've been doing it for however long how much time has passed. While Jack is trying to figure out how to change her, Peter and Michael are playing pool and ignore his pleas for help, but after half an hour, they help him. Well, they're probably doing it mostly for Mary's benefit.
So Jack bonds with her daughter and while he's bathing her in the shower, Peter and Michael are at the intermission of their play with the second act about to start in a few minutes. Peter is already worried and decides to call Jack to check up on him and see how things are going. When Jack doesn't answer (because the water is running so he doesn't hear anything), both he and Michael come to the conclusion that he either fell asleep or hit his head and that he's "probably unconscious". They tell their dates there's an emergency and they need to go. They rush home to find that Jack and Mary are both okay. Jack asks them why they're back so soon and Michael tells him they think that they may have left the stove on. Jack says to Mary, "I think that Unlce Peter and Uncle Michael are having a nervous breakdown."
After Peter admits he called him and Jack says he didn't hear the phone in the shower, the next day we get a scene of a guy installing a phone in the shower and asking Michael if he gets many calls in there and Michael replies, "a steady stream." Something tell me that they probably never use that phone.
Peter checks his mail and finds a newspaper with a headline that reads "Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging". Attached is a note that reads "Don't let this happen to you. Be at the phone booth at the corner of 81st and Columbus at 8 tonight." The three men (and a baby!) go to that phone booth and Peter answers it when the bad guys call to tell them their plan on getting the drugs back. Peter tells them that since they are in possession of the drugs, they're going to do it their way or he'll flush their stash down the toilet. We never learn how the bad guys wanted to get their drugs back, but Peter tells them to meet at a construction site (the one he's working at, obviously, but they don't know that). They have worked out a plan where Jack will call Melkowitz from a pay phone while Michael will be hiding with a camcorder so he can record the conversation that Peter will have with the drug dealers. For some reason, they decide they need to take Mary with them. They can't find a baby-sitter while they're out on a drug bust? I get that maybe Mrs. Hathaway might not want to baby-sit again, but can't Rebecca or one of the many women they know baby-sit? While most of the time, these guys are pretty protective of Mary, they really drop the ball with her well-being here!
So while Jack is right outside the construction site near the car where Mary is, Michael is hiding and ready to record the conversation Peter has with Vince and Satch. He tells them the package is in the elevator, behind the control panel, adding that they had nothing to do with it and they had no idea what was in the package. Like, he's making it so obvious that I'm surprised they didn't realize what he was doing and that this conversation was being recorded. Vince even confirms that Peter had no idea what was going on by saying, "No kidding. I could've figured that out in four seconds."
We next see a montage of the three men (and a baby!) at the park with two of them playing with a Frisbee while one of them is holding the baby (they alternate holding the baby). Whoever is holding the baby at the moment has SWARMS of women coming up to him and cooing over the baby. She is a literal chick magnet. Look, Mary is a cute baby, but God, these women look so pathetic. Also, if I saw a man with a baby, I would figure he's probably married or at least already in a relationship. This montage continues with Peter bringing her to the construction site and she's wearing a little pink hardhat which is really cute, but is a construction site the best place to bring a baby? And we see Jack auditioning for a play and when he turns around, it is revealed that Mary is strapped to his back.
We get the last act of the movie when Sylvia (Nancy Travis) comes to pick up her daughter the next morning. I'm sorry, but this woman just leaves her baby by a front door and now thinks she can come back and reclaim her? Also, I had no idea she was supposed to be English as Nancy Travis has a terrible English accent and was wondering why she was pronouncing "mommy" as "mummy". (When she sees Mary, she tells her, "Mummy's back!") Why didn't they just cast an English actress? Duh.
Sylvia talks to Jack and tells him he's taken very good care of Mary and she apologizes, saying she shouldn't have left the way she did and hopes she didn't cause too much trouble. Oh, no, you just abandoned your baby, but luckily her father and two honorary uncles bonded with her and now you're just going to take her away from them and go live in another country across the ocean. You're not causing any trouble at all, Sylvia! Yes, that's right, Sylvia is taking her daughter and going back to London where she plans to move in with her parents so they can help her take care of Mary because she won't be able to work and take care of her on her own. She's leaving that night so she's taking Mary away at the last minute.
So Sylvia leaves with Mary and the guys are sad. Jack says he feels bad and he has an ache "right here" (he pats his heart). He tells his friends that he misses Mary and wishes there was something he could do. They decide there IS something they can do. They decide to head to the airport to stop them from getting on the flight. When they get to the gate (ah, yes, remember when you didn't need a ticket to go to a gate), the flight has already left. I thought for sure that Sylvia didn't get on the plane and we would see her stepping out of the restroom with Mary, but that doesn't happen. Three rejected men head on home...where they see Sylvia and Mary waiting for them. So they went to the airport for nothing!
However, Peter doesn't like this idea. He feels like they're just being treated as Mary's baby-sitters and he wants them to be able to see Mary all the time. He then invites Sylvia and Mary to move into the penthouse without even asking his roommates' permission. Of course, they think it's a great idea and Sylvia is more thrilled to move in. Of course she is; she gets to live in a NYC penthouse (and probably doesn't have to pay rent!) with her baby daddy and two extra people to help take care of her daughter. This is the most ludicrous living arrangement ever. Yes, Jack and Sylvia have a baby together, but it's not like they even had that much of a relationship besides being in a play together and sleeping together once. So now it's three men and a baby and the baby's mom (mum?).
The very last scene of the movie is the four adults walking out of the apartment with Mary in her stroller and they extend the handle so they can all push it at the same time. :::Groan:::
This movie is based on a 1985 French comedy called Trois Hommes et un Couffin which translates to "Three Men and a Cradle."
Before I start discussing Three Men and a Little Lady, let's take a minute to talk about the infamous urban legend scene that you may or may not know about. I first heard about this probably in the mid-2000s and it was probably on some film message board like Fametracker, heh. I did not familiarize myself with the so-called urban legend before I watched the movie because I wanted to see if I could catch it on my own. So from what I thought I remembered, apparently there's a scene in the movie where you can see a dead body because somebody had killed themselves or accidentally died on set. (I know, very morbid and disturbing. Also, a little insane that they would keep filming if someone had died!) So I watch the movie and I'm glad to report no dead bodies were seen, but I did sort of a double take when I think I see a random person in the background when two people are talking in the living room, but it turns out it's just a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson dressed in a tuxedo and a top hat, most likely a prop his character kept because of a commercial he was in. He keeps it in his room and his door is open and you can see into his room when I was watching this particular scene (which I don't even remember who was in it).
Okay, time to talk about Three Men and a Little Lady, the unnecessary sequel. Even though it came out three years later than the first one, it's set six years later because Mary is now six. I probably don't need to tell you that she isn't played by the twins who portrayed her as babies; instead it's just one little girl who was pretty much only in this and a couple of other things I've never heard of.
The movie starts with a montage of them moving into a townhouse or some larger living area because apparently that huge penthouse wasn't big enough to accommodate five people. This is around Mary is probably a year old and the montage progresses as she grows older until she's six. It's also stated that Sylvia has become a pretty big Broadway actor, so not really sure why she's still living with Peter, Jack, and Michael. I guess it's nice to have three built-in baby-sitters.
At one point, Mary calls Jack by his first name and I was wondering if she even knows that he's her biological dad, but she does. I would think that she would refer to Peter and Michael as her Uncles, but she calls them her "honorary daddies".
Rebecca is no longer in the picture which is disappointing because I liked her and Peter together and was hoping they would become exclusive. Instead, the sequel seems to be pointing towards a romantic subplot involving Peter and Sylvia, because, why not. When Sylvia is looking for Jack because she needs him to help her rehearse a scene for the play Rainmaker, he's not home so Peter offers to read his part. They read the scene and at the end, she kisses him and he asks her why she did that and she says it's in the script. He looks at the script and tells her his character is supposed to kiss her and suggests they do the scene again. Gee, like Sylvia didn't know that. It's so obvious she's into him, but he can't seem to take a clue. Well, he does like her, but we'll learn later on in the movie why he's not making a move when she's practically throwing herself at him. So they do the scene again and he kisses her this time, but then he stops and tells her he's not an actor and that he's not believable, but she tells him he was very believable.
Sylvia also has a somewhat relationship with her director, Edward (who is also British), but they're not involved anymore. I guess he's asked her to marry him before, but she said no. He's been asked to direct A Midsummer Night's Dream at the National Theatre in London and he wants Sylvia to play Helena. She tells him that she would love to do it, but Mary's starting school soon and that she needs to consider her daughter's needs. He asks her, "What about your needs?" and she tells him she'll think about it.
One evening when Mary is acting up and not going to bed, Sylvia is the one to get her to settle down, then she has a chat with the guys and tells them that she thinks they are "getting a taste of things to come" and asks them how long they think they'll be able to live the way they are in their unorthodox arrangement. She thinks that Mary needs "a more normal environment" and tells them she would like to be married someday and have more kids, but this living arrangement isn't going to cut it.
The guys realize they shouldn't even be at their own party and Michael says that when he spoke to Mary on the phone, she didn't sound happy. He thinks they need to be at the wedding for Mary, so he and Peter go to England, but Jack has a movie he's shooting in Brazil and he will come later.
Edward's family is very wealthy and they're having their wedding at his family's huge estate (or maybe it was HIS estate, hell I don't know, I don't think we ever meet his parents). For some reason, they have a butler who's pushing 90 and he can barely walk. He's also a bit senile because after he takes Peter and Michael to their room, he goes to show them the water closet and goes in himself, then starts to use it without closing the door (Michael quickly closes it when Mary comes into the room), then walks out without any pants.
Edward introduces Peter to Elspeth Lomax (Fiona Shaw, who I know best as Mrs. Dursley), who is the headmistress of the girls' school, the Pileforth Academy. According to her, they've "been turning out England's finest young ladies since the 18th century." Edward tells her that Peter likes her and that he asked to meet her. He tells her she needs to make it clear that she's attracted to him, but she can't come on too strongly. Obviously he's doing this because he knows that Peter and Sylvia have feelings for each other and he doesn't want them acting on those feelings, though dumping a woman on him that Peter clearly isn't interested in isn't going to work either.
Privately, Peter tells Sylvia she can't marry Edward and when Sylvia asks him why not, he tells her he can't marry him for Mary's sake. This does not please her because obviously she wants him to tell her that he loves her. If you think about it, she's just marrying Edward to spite Peter.
By this time, Jack has arrived and he tells Peter that he knows how he feels about Sylvia and the needs to tell her that he does her and the only reason she's marrying Edward is because Peter didn't ask her first. The reason Peter has never acted on his feelings is because he feels weird about it since Sylvia and Jack have a child together, but Jack assures him they're just friends and they don't have any romantic feelings toward each other and he just wants Peter to be happy and encourages Peter to act on his feelings for Sylvia and blah, blah, blah.
The night before the wedding, Peter decides he's going to sneak into Miss Lomax's office at Pileforth Academy to prove that Mary is being sent there later that year. While he's there, he hears Elspeth coming in, so he has to hide in this huge closet, but she finds him and thinks he has come to profess his love for her or something. She get pretty aggressive and chases him around the office, but he just straight up tells he's not interested in her like that and she easily accepts it. Peter has found proof that Mary will be attending the school soon. The audience already knows that because there was an earlier scene where Edward yells at Mary for goofing around with the butler and yells at her to go to room and adds that she'll learn manners when she's at boarding school.
I can't remember exactly what happens, but Peter isn't able to make it back to Edward's estate that night because his car breaks down and I think he spends the night in his car. The next morning, which is also the day of the wedding, he sees Elspeth in her car (probably on her way to the wedding) and flags her down and she gives him a ride. Wow, she sure takes rejection well! She thinks she knows a short cut, but her car ends up in a mud-filled pond and they end up taking one of those vehicles with a little car attached to it.
During the preparations for the wedding, Michael and Jack are doing everything they can to stall the ceremony until Peter can get there. Michael is distracting the vicar, sending him to the wrong church.
The night before, before Peter had snuck out to Pileforth, he had told Mary that he loves her mom and Mary tells this to her mother as they're both in a horse carriage on their way to the wedding. After she says this, Sylvia just pats her head, but wouldn't she have more questions. Isn't this what she's been waiting for Peter to say?
So their actual vicar may be on a wild goose chase, but that's okay because someone else has stepped in. It is Jack, the actor of the group, in old age make up and fake teeth and an old man voice. It is so obvious that it's Ted Danson in a disguise, but nobody knows it's him (well, except for Michael who's in on the ploy with him), not even Mary or Sylvia, who, also as an actor, would realize what was going on. Also, she's lived with this man for the last six years and doesn't know who it is? Mary, I can kind of understand because she's young. What's Sylvia's excuse?
So Jack performs the ceremony, stalling at any moment he can, but there's still no sign of Peter. He gets to the moment where he asks if anyone can think of any reason why these two shouldn't be together and thinks he sees a woman in the back raising her hand, but its just the really tall hat she's wearing. Finally, he has to pronounce them husband and wife and Sylvia and Edward kiss, thinking they're both married.
Now, Peter has arrived and proclaims his love for Sylvia. This movie actually reminded me Made of Honor (which I know came out many years after this one) when Patrick Dempsey is attending Michelle Monaghan's wedding in Scotland and he's in love with her, so he rides a horse to the church to stop the wedding. Heh, I wonder if that movie was inspired by this one.
So then end up together and the movie ends with the song "Waiting For a Star to Fall", which, I'm not gonna lie, I totally love.
I presume that either Peter, Sylvia, and Mary moved out or Peter kicked out Jack and Michael. Heh, I feel just the tiniest bit sorry for Michael because now Jack is Marys' biological father and Peter is her stepfather and he's just...there.
I heard they were supposed to make this into a trilogy with the third movie being called Three Men and a Bride with Mary getting married, but it never took off. I wonder who would have played Mary in that one since the young actress in this one never really did anything else as a teen or an adult. That was back in 2010 when they were talking about it, so I doubt it's ever going to happen.