Disturbia

The 'Burbs

Director: Joe Dante

Cast: Tom Hanks, Carrie Fisher, Bruce Dern, Corey Feldman, Rick Ducommun, Henry Gibson, Wendy Schaal

Released: February 17, 1989

I had seen this movie a couple times before, but I remembered absolutely nothing about it...probably because it's not that good of a movie. (And probably because it's been quite awhile since I last saw it). It's a bit of an odd movie and is now considered a cult classic, which doesn't surprise me. I read that it was the worst reviewed movie of 1989, which also doesn't surprise me. 

I have to wonder if Marc Cherry got inspiration from this movie to create Desperate Housewives because that's what I was reminded of while watching this. (Though DH is much, much better). The cul-de-sac neighborhood in this movie (which I've already forgot the name of) is very similar to Wisteria Lane from DH. Some odd, new people have moved into a house on the lane and all the neighbors are trying to figure out their big secret (pretty much the storyline for every DH season!). Another reason why I was probably reminded of Desperate Housewives is because both were filmed in the same Universal backlot. (Hey, it's a good place to film if your setting is a cul-de-sac!) The houses are different, obviously. 

Let's meet the neighbors and residents of non-Wisteria Lane, shall we? There's Ray and Carol Peterson (Tom Hanks and Carrie Fisher) who are the "normal" people on the block. (Well, at least Carol is. Compared to his friends, Ray is relatively normal). They have a son who doesn't add anything to the plot at all and Ray is taking a week off of work. Carol wants all of them to go to the lake, but Ray doesn't want to go. He wants his vacation to be a staycation. 

Across the street from them is Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), a Vietnam War vet, and his trophy wife, Bonnie (Wendy Schaal) who is clearly quite younger than him. Next door to them lives high schooler Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman) and his parents, but we never meet his parents because they're away during this time, so Ricky is always inviting his girlfriend or friends over to his house. 

Next door to the Petersons, on one side, lives Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun) and his wife. We never meet the wife, because, she, much like Ricky's parents, is also out of town for the week. This neighbor was particularly annoying. First of all, he has no common decency for any sort of life. When we first meet him, he has a rifle and is trying to shoot a hawk that's been eating bird food that's meant for the smaller birds. He shoots four times (missing each time) and when Ray comes out of his backyard to see what the commotion is, he turns towards him and nearly shoots Ray! If I were Ray, I would be pissed because I have a young kid and a dog (and the dog was in the backyard, quite near where Art was shooting). Then this neighbor is also a schlub and a mooch. He pretty much invites himself over to the Peterson's house and stuffs himself with food. We see he's cleared a plate of pancakes and eggs while he's given another plate. When Carol passes by him with a bowl of something, he takes a few pieces out without her noticing, but then, in the background, we see her set the bowl down. It was dog food, ha! No wonder he made that face when he ate it. Then he helps himself to some ribs that were in the fridge AND asks Carol if he can eat Ray's eggs when Ray goes to do something. I'm honestly surprised they didn't cast someone who was more overweight. Also, for someone who seems to always be hungry and stuffing his face, they don't really keep that up. You'd think he would always be eating in every scene, but he doesn't. Yeah, we might get a couple scenes where he mentions food, but that's about it. Not that I'm complaining because it was really gross seeing him gorge himself with the ribs. 

And then we have the neighbors who live on the other side of the Petersons. They are very odd. They moved in about a month ago and nobody has ever seen them. Nobody ever goes in or out. They don't ever seem to have any visitors or deliveries. They're not even sure how many people live there. All they know is that their surname is Klopek. Art is super suspicious of them, but Ray just assumes they just want to keep to themselves. In one of the only scenes he has, Ray's son tells them there are three of them and they only come out at night and he saw them digging in their backyard one night last week when he was using his telescope. Oh, yeah, that's not suspicious at all! (I mean the Klopeks digging, not the kid using his telescope). 

Oh, there's another neighbor who lives at the end of the cul-de-sac who is important to the story. His name is Walter and he has a little white dog named Queenie. This dog, a Bichon Frise named Darla, was also in The Silence of the Lambs and if you've ever seen that movie, you would definitely recognize her right away. 

While Ray and Art are in Ray's garage and Ray is showing him something, Art walks out to the driveway and sees a young man (probably in his early twenties) with bright red hair, and, look, there's really no nice way to say this, but he has an "inbred" look to him. He would definitely stand out in a crowd. All the neighbors are witnessing this and we get the viewpoint from the redheaded young man. Ray now sees what the others are seeing and murmurs, "It's my neighbor." But isn't he everyone's neighbor? And soon Ray and Art will get into an argument over that when Art suggests to Ray that he should go over and say hi. Ray replies that he could go say hi to him too. Art tells Ray he's his (the redhead's) neighbor, but Ray tells him he's their neighbor as well, but Art is quick to remind him that he (Ray) shares a property line with the Klopeks. Ray points out they're all on the same block which Art agrees is true, but they all also live in the same town and if the Klopeks ever needed to borrow anything, they would go to Ray's place. Yeah, so while this conversation is going on, the young Klopek ends up going back in the house and they missed their opportunity to say hello. (Though I don't think anything would have happened even if they had, most likely he would have just gone back in his house without saying anything). 

Ray and Art notice that everyone has seen them arguing, including Ray's son. Not wanting to look like he's afraid in front of his own son, both men decide to go up and knock on the door. We get a close up shot of all the neighbor's faces as they watch Ray and Art walk up to the Klopek's porch, including the dog's, which was hilarious. 

As they're walking up the steps to the porch, Art notices there are bars on the basement windows. In a deadpan voice, Ray points out, "They've got holes in their porch, too." He says this right after Ray's foot has sunk into the porch due to rotting wood, I guess. Actually, this movie may be funnier than I'm giving it credit for. Their address number is 669, but when Ray uses the big brass knocker, the nine is knocked down and turns to a six. He knocks again and the number sign falls out of its place and knocks off a light which reveals a bunch of bees. :::shudder:::: They run and with all the commotion they're making, I'm surprised we don't see any of the Klopeks peering out the window to see what's going on.

That evening, Ray takes his dog for a walk. And when I say walk, what I mean is that he lets the dog off the leash to let him go wherever he wants and Ray walks next door to Art's house porch where he's hanging out with Ricky and drinking beer with him. Ricky asks Ray if he's ever seen The Sentinel, a movie about an old guy who owns an apartment "which is kind of like the gateway to Hell" and nods towards the Klopek house. Both Art and Ricky have theories that the Klopeks are involved in something seedy, but Ray doesn't believe any of that. At least not yet.

They each go back to their homes, and, for some reason, Art sneaks over to Ray's house and taps on the widow of the living room where Ray and Carol are watching Jeopardy. He tries to hide when Carol looks behind her, but obviously she ends up seeing him. I don't understand this. Why doesn't he just go to the door? Ray gets up and tells his wife that he'll be back in a few minutes. They get Mark who has an infrared night-vision scope (he has a bunch of these military gadgets that come in handy in the movie) so they can spy on the neighbors because Art is convinced they have a dungeon in their basement. They're going to use the scope to look in the barred up basement windows.

Meanwhile, Ricky has invited over his girlfriend who has the permed blonde hair and the colorful outfit and dangly geometric earrings. You definitely know what decade this girl comes from! He has set up two folding chairs on his front porch to watch what's going on in the neighborhood. His girlfriend (I don't remember her name or if she even had one) wants to watch TV or go to a movie, but he tells her, "This is better than anything on television. This is real. This is my neighborhood." Was Ricky ahead of his time? Was he the first to truly discover not just reality TV, but reality reality? 

A hum is coming from the Klopek house and it keeps getting louder and louder and it looks like flames are coming from the basement. This all looks very suspicious and surely it has to wake up the whole neighborhood with all the racket that's going on. I would call the police just for the disturbance! Ray is about to go over and inspect it, but the other two tell him to get down and they hide behind garbage cans when they see the Klopek garage door open and the young redhead guy backs out of the driveway to the end where the their garbage cans are situated. He gets out of the car and takes a hefty trash bag that is stuffed full of something out of the trunk and puts it in the trash can which he has to really pack in the receptacle. I think we're supposed to assume there's a body (or at least body parts) in the trash bag, but what kind of murderer tosses his victim out in his own trash? That's just asking to be caught. He then gets back in the car and drive it back into the garage. The three men all agree that it's super weird that somebody would drive from their garage to the end of their driveway to dump their trash. Yeah, no kidding. After Redhead Man goes back in the house, Art wants to investigate the trash cans, but Ray tells him it will look too suspicious if all three of them are going through their neighbor's garbage at 11 at night in the middle of a rainstorm. Mark agrees with Ray and says they'll wait til morning. 

Before he goes to bed, Ray looks out the window and sees his three neighbors, all in hooded cloaks, digging in their backyard. And remember, this is around 11 at night during a rainstorm. This is all very suss, especially considering they're all digging large holes that could fit, oh, I don't know, a body. Why not call the police? I have to admit, I wasn't sure if this scene was a dream or not when I watched it. 

Either they all woke up late or they don't know when their own garbage is picked up on their street because by the time they wake, they see the garbage truck has come and they have dumped both the trash bins at the Klopek house. Both Art and Mark see this and wave to the garbage men, telling them to stop dumping the trash, but when the realize they are too late, they both get in the garbage truck and start digging through it and all this garbage ends up on the street in a huge pile which we will see for the remainder of the movie. It's actually pretty funny that nobody will pick it up and it is just left there. Mark does tell the garbage man to pick it up since he is the garbage man, but the garbage man says he only picks up garbage that is in garbage cans and I have to side with the garbage man here. (Also, how many times can I say "garbage man" in one sentence? A lot, apparently.) He did pick up the garbage, but Art and Mark are the ones who are tossing the garbage from the truck to the street. They should be the ones to pick it up. 

Ray tells both of them that he saw the three Klopeks digging (so I guess it wasn't a dream), and they all come to the conclusion that they took the body from the garbage and buried it in the backyard. (Is burying your victim in your backyard any better than throwing it away in your trash? Maybe slightly better, but still, that's one of the first places they're gonna check if you're suspected of murder! Also, I'm sure the cops are gonna notice if your yard has been freshly dug up.) 

While all this is going on, Mark's wife, Bonnie, sees Queenie, Walter's dog, in their yard, all dirty and shaky. She picks up the dog and wonders if Walter knows that his dog is outside, but when she goes to his house, nobody answers the door. She tells this to her husband and the others (and by this time, Ricky has joined them), so they all go over to Walter's house to see what's going on. Nobody is still answering the door, so Mark breaks in through the back way and opens the door for all of them. The first thing they notice is that the TV is on and a chair is on its side as though there's been a struggle. Other than that, nothing is really out of place, but they continue searching the house. 

Bonnie goes in the kitchen to get some food for Queenie. The guys are in the living room when they hear her scream and they come running. She points to something hairy on the stove, claiming it's a rat. (In her defense, it does look like a rat...I probably would have had a similar reaction too!) Her husband tells her it's just Walter's toupee. Why it's on the stove, I'm not really sure! They think it's odd that Walter would leave his house without his hair and that must mean foul play. 

These two will go on to be in 
Oscar-winning films!

Besides the earlier scene where Art is eating breakfast (and ribs and dog food) at the Peterson's, this is the only other scene where we see him around food. He picks up a plate of cookies and when he does, Ricky (who had been looking upstairs) opens the swinging door and the plate and cookies fall to the floor, everything shattering. Ray tells everyone they need to leave, which they all do. I love that they don't even sweep up the broken glass or cookie pieces. If you're worried about Queenie, no need. Ray takes her home with him, but first writes a note to tell Walter that he has his dog. His first draft reads, "Your dog is at my house. Your window is broken because we all thought that..."  When he realizes he doesn't know what to write after the ellipses, he rips up that piece of paper and simply writes him a new note: "I have you dog" and places is through the mail slot along with Walter's toupee, which he still had. (The reason why he took it, then returned it, is just for the sake of plot). 

Later, Ray and Art are in Ray's basement (with the door locked so Carol can't interfere) reading a large dusty tome titled "The Theory and Practice of Demonology." Where did they get this book? From the Sunnydale High School library? Art is convinced that their neighbors are Satanists and that Walter was a human sacrifice. I'm not sure where he came up with these conclusions. Yes, it was super suspicious that they were digging holes in their backyard, but that doesn't make them Satanists. Murders? Perhaps. And perhaps they should call the police if they really do think their new neighbors have anything to do with the disappearance of their other neighbor. Art also tells Ray that they need to go to "the religious supply store and get themselves a couple gallons of holy water." What, is he talking about the church? Turns out he is because he then adds his cousin is a priest and he can get them a deal. A deal on holy water? I didn't realize you could buy the stuff. Oh, that reminds me of the scene from The Lost Boys (speaking of Corey Feldman!) when the Frog brothers go into a church to fill up their canteens with holy water to ward against vampires. Hilarious. 

Before they go to bed, Ray does tell his wife about their theory and she thinks it's absolutely ridiculous. That night he does have a nightmare about his neighbors where he's being sacrificed. The next morning, he's watching Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Well, he's so much not watching it as it just happens to be on and he's staring at the screen. Ha, you could say Tom Hanks was doing research for a movie he would do thirty years in the future! 

When Ray goes out on the upper deck of his house, Art and Mark come running over, telling him they've got a plan. Carol hears them and tells them Ray isn't feeling well and needs to stay home and rest. She knows he didn't get much sleep last night. Their grand idea is to put a note that says "I know what you've done" under the door, then ring the doorbell and run away. That is so childish and what exactly are they hoping to accomplish with that? After they do it, Art runs over to Ray's backyard where Ray is trying to take a nap on a chaise lounge. Art tells him what he and Mark did and Ray can't believe he did that. He is furious because when he wrote the note for Walter and stuck it in his mail slot, he noticed that one of the elder Klopeks saw what he was doing and now he thinks that they'll think that he was the one who wrote and sent the note.

While they're bickering back and forth, Ray's dog, who had been digging in the Klopeks yard (there's a hole in the fence he's able to squeeze through) comes back with a huge bone in his mouth. It's a human femur bone (thigh bone) and this thing is massive. Art even takes the bone and throws it so the dog can fetch it a few times. I'm not sure how neither of them even notice that the dog has it until a few minutes have passed. It's kind of hard to miss, but I guess that's the joke. They finally notice the size of the bone the dog is fetching and Art recognizes it as a human femur bone. I feel like maybe now this is the time to call the police if a human bone is found in your neighbor's yard. But do they? No. Art is now totally convinced that their neighbors are murdering people and chopping them up and burying them in their backyard. He is sure that the bone belongs to Walter. Both of them scream "Nooooo!" and the movie does this annoying thing where the camera zooms in and out on their faces. A few seconds of this would have been fine, but it goes on way too long and was super annoying. They then notice that someone on the Klopek side has tossed a piece of crumped paper over the fence and of course it's the note they had received earlier. 

Carol gets the idea for the two couples (she clearly lets Art know that he is not invited) to go over to the Klopeks and introduces themselves and invite themselves over for "a nice, neighborly chat" and get to know them. Bonnie tells the two guys that they'll (herself and Carol) will "find out more in five minutes of friendly chat than in a month of snooping around." 

The redhead answers the door and they all sort of just barge in around him. We find out his name is Hans and he lives with his Uncle Ruben who we meet next. They're obviously foreign, but I don't think we ever learn where exactly they're from. Mark asks Reuben if "Klopek" is a Slavic name, but he hisses out, "No!" My guess is that they're German. For one thing, their accent sounds German and for another, Hans is wearing lederhosen. 

They're all sitting awkwardly in the living room (Carol and Bonnie on one couch, Ray and Rueben on the couch across from them, and Mark is standing against a wall) when Hans brings some (odd) snacks on a TV tray: a bowl of pretzels and a can of sardines. When offered, Carol takes some pretzels and Bonnie tells him, "I'm trying to cut back." When Ray is offered the food, he looks at Carol and she nods, so he takes a pretzel, then takes a sardine out of the can with his fingers (and it makes the most disgusting squishy noise) and places it on top of the pretzel and proceeds to eat it. By the look on Tom Hanks' face, I don't think he was acting! 

Mark knocks on the wall and floor to show them what a good, solid house they have and after he knocks on the floor with his foot, he hears a thud knock back. The Petersons and Rumsfields are startled by this, but this seems to be forgotten (for now) because Ray starts having an allergic reaction to the dust in the house. They soon meet the third resident of the house, Dr. Verner Klopek (Henry Gibson), who is Reuben's brother. He comes up from the basement wearing gloves that are covered in a red substance. When he shakes Ray's hand, we're supposed to think it's blood, but I knew it was paint. No one is that out of touch that they would shake hands with somebody while wearing bloody gloves. That is disgusting. 

The doctor tells them all how he was just mentioning to his brother how he wanted to meet all his neighbors (they sure didn't make any efforts to do that!) and now they're all at his house. Mark tells him that all the neighbors are not there and at first I thought he was talking about Art, but he actually meant Walter and tells the Klopeks they don't know where Walter is. Mark cuts through the chitchat and wants to know what the weird noise is coming from the basement. Carol quickly gets up and says she think they should go. Mark tries to get Ray on his side, telling him to tell the Klopeks that he also saw/heard the weird light/noise coming from the basement the other night, but Ray just runs towards what he thinks is the bathroom. When he opens the door, a huge Great Dane comes bounding out. The Petersons and the Rumsfields decide it's time to leave and they all convene at Ray's house. Art joins them too, because, of course he does. Ray says that the Klopeks may be eccentric, but he doesn't think there's anything nefarious going on. He tells his wife and Bonnie that he wants to talk to the guys alone. This right there should have been a red flag to Carol, but she and Bonnie just let them be. Once alone in the den (with the doors closed), we soon discover that Ray was lying about the neighbors and he definitely think there's something unsavory going on with them. He takes out Walter's toupee from his pants and tells them he found it after the dog was released. He doesn't understand how the Klopeks have this since he put it back in Walter's house. Not only that, but he found it wedged between some magazines all addressed to Walter. They surmise that means the Klopeks went back inside Walter's house and got the wig. 

The Klopeks had mentioned they were going away tomorrow for the whole day, so Ray wants to play CSI and he's "not coming back till [he] finds a dead body." He also adds, "Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it." 

To make sure Carol doesn't find out what he's doing (because he knows she won't approve), he tells her he's going golfing with Art. He also gets her to get out of the house and visit her sister with their son. He seems very eager to get her out of the house and even Carol can sense that. He tells her he think it would be good for her to get out of the house "after the week [they've] had." 

Ricky sees that his neighbors have something big planned so he starts calling his friend and girlfriend to come down because "it'll be live" (although they're gonna have to wait awhile before they see anything, ahem, explosive). At least they can look forward to the pizza dude! 

In a really stupid move, Art climbs up a telephone pole to disconnect the wires so no alarms go off. He somehow manages to cut the right wire, but he gets shocked and ends up falling into a shed (making a comical human-shaped hole in the roof). By all accounts, Art should be dead. 

While Mark is keeping a lookout on his roof with his binoculars and Walkie-Talkie, Ray and Art are digging large holes in the Klopek's backyard, which seems to be mostly comprised of dirt. I've never seen a backyard with that much dirt and no grass at all. They're making no progress with finding anything and decide to check the house because it will be cooler. They'll start in the basement and work their way up. Art theorizes they didn't find anything while digging because the Klopeks probably dug up the bodies and are now hiding them in the basement. According to Art, these Klopeks sure move their bodies around a lot. First, they put them in the trash receptacle, then they move them to the backyard, now they're in the basement. 

In a hilarious scene, we see Ray try to break into the house by using a credit card, but he ends up just breaking the card. Luckily, it was just a credit card from a particular store (you can't tell where it's from, but I'm pretty sure it's a made up one) and Art tells him, "It was a sh*t store anyway." Ray just covers his hand with some kind of cloth and breaks the glass and reaches in to unlock the door from the inside 

It's a good thing they start in the basement because there they find a huge, old furnace. One might even call it an incinerator. It is ridiculously big for the size house they have and they notice about forty batteries are connected to it. Art turns it on and it starts whirring and making the same loud noise they hear every night so now they know what was making all that racket. Ray finds a big pile of dirt near the furnace and surmises that they must have burnt Walter's body in the furnace, then buried his bones right there. He grabs the shovel from Art and starts digging. 

It's nighttime now and and the Klopeks have just turned onto the street in their car. Even though Mark and Ricky and all of his friends are outside, none of them see their car. The Klopeks notice their furnace is on, so they know someone is in their house (and probably have a good idea who) and they turn around and leave. 

By this time, Ray has dug a huge hole (pretty sure Art isn't even helping; he's just standing next to him) and they hear a clink when the shovel hits something metal and they get all excited because they think he must have hit a crypt and Walter's body must be in there. I'm not sure where they even come to that conclusion. They don't even know what they've hit and they definitely don't have an evidence that Walter is dead. Right now, the only evidence they have of any kind of foul play going on with the Klopeks is the femur. I don't know, I feel like if your dog dug up a human bone in your neighbor's yard, you might want to call the police unless there was a valid reason for a human bone to be in their yard (not sure what good reason there would be, though!) Art calls Mark on the Walkie to tell him they've found Walter, but he kinda jumps the gun with that because they haven't! They haven't found jacksh*t!

While Mark didn't see the Klopeks from his vantage point on the roof, he does notice a car drive to Walter's house and lo and behold, Walter gets out of the car with some assistance from his daughter. (In a later scene, we find out that's who is with him in the car). Mark calls Ray on the Walkie to tell him, "Guess who's not in the basement? Walter!" But Ray doesn't hear him and just keeps digging and mud and sludge cover up the Walkie. 

Ricky also sees Walter has come back and when Art comes outside (to get Mark, I guess), he points Walter out to him. Things get even worse when the Klopeks have returned and this time they have a police car following them. Now all the neighbors notice that they are back. Art tells Ricky to keep them preoccupied so he can go get Ray. Ricky jumps on the police car's hood and tells them all these people are at his parents' house eating their food. (Hmm, I thought he had called the PIZZA DUDE!)  

Just as Art comes down to the basement, Ray yells at him to run because he's hit the gas line. Art runs out of the house screaming that the house is gonna blow and it does just that. Because Ray was struggling to get out of the hole he had dug for himself (literally and figuratively!), he was still in the house when it exploded. By all accounts, Ray should be dead and that's what everyone thinks until Bonnie sees movement in the house. Very slowly, Ray stiffly walks out the front door. His clothes are all tattered and shredded, his skin is all ashy, and one of his eyes is closed shut. I love the way he sort of just slides down the front steps.  

We next see Carol come back (though she seemed to have left their son at her sister's because he's not in the car) and she sees a burning house, firetrucks, police cars, and a huge crowd. Despite everything, she doesn't seem too mad at her husband who could have died and he's lucky nobody else got hurt with that explosion.

One detective tells Ray that he's looking at counts of destruction of private property, destruction of public property, three counts of criminal trespassing (not sure why it's three counts), harassment, assault, vandalism, plus Walter thinks the note he received from Ray about his dog was a ransom note (even though it didn't specifically ask for money so I don't know why he would think that; though I will admit the note was a little ominous!) and he had dognapped Queenie. 

Speaking of Walter, another detective tells Art that Walter had been in the hospital and his daughter and son-in-law had taken him there. I'm guessing they were over at his house and something happened (I think they said it was his heart) when he was watching TV and thats why the chair was knocked over. He also mentions that the Klopeks had been picking up his mail which I thought was odd for a couple of reasons:

1) The Klopeks have not talked to anyone at all since they've moved to this neighborhood, and now they're getting someone's mail? That doesn't make any sense and it's just there for the plot.

b) Walter is only gone for what? Two days top? Why does he need someone picking up his mail? Hell, I've been gone for over a week and I just let my mail pile up! Luckily, I don't get that many catalogues. 

They also have this weird explanation for the wig where they said the doctor got the wig mixed up with the newspapers. Huh? How does that happen? They should have just said they took the wig to keep it safe at their house, I don't know! It really doesn't make any sense why they have the wig, but again, Ray had to find it at the Klopeks to move the plot forward. 

Art is still convinced there's a body that goes with the femur they found (I mean, he's not wrong), but Ray has had enough and starts defending the Klopeks. He's very convincing and I find myself siding with him as he yells at Art, "They didn't do anything to us" and he can't blame them for keeping to themselves because they "live next door to people who break into their house and burn it down while they're gone for the day." Uh, it didn't just "burn down", it exploded! He says they are the one who are being unneighborly. "We're the ones vaulting over fences and peeking in people's windows. We're the ones throwing garbage in the street and lighting fires. We're the ones acting suspicious and paranoid. We're the lunatics. Us! It's not them!" What he is saying is 100% correct; they are the ones who acting more suspicious (although that femur is still pretty suspicious!) than the Klopeks, who, at this point, are just eccentric. 

Ray is so fed up and just wants to go to the hospital, so in a hilarious scene, he picks up a gurney and pretty much throws it into the back of an ambulance, then flops down onto it. The doors close and while he's laying in the ambulance, Dr. Werner Klopek comes in and Ray apologizes to him and tells him once he gets out of prison, he's going to help him rebuild his house. (Yeah, right). The foreign doctor just ignores what he's said and tells him that he may have fooled the others, but he doesn't fool him. Ray has no clue what he's talking about and Werner tells him that when he was in his basement, he must have looked in the furnace. He then goes on further to say, "You saw one of my skulls, didn't you?" What the actual f*ck? This guy is giving a lot away when he doesn't need to. Maybe there are more delicate ways to go about this than admitting that you have skulls in your furnace! (Also, how did Ray and Art miss that?) We'll soon learn in a few minutes that this is not his first rodeo (i.e. murder) so I don't know why he's being so dumb here. Well, I guess he is planning on killing Ray by injecting him with something, so it really doesn't matter if he knows that Werner is a murderer or not. 

Oh, yeah. Surprise! The Klopeks were a family or murderers after all! That's the big twist. Obviously, they did not kill Walter, but they did kill the Knapps, the elderly couple that lived in the house before the Klopeks did. Since the Klopeks already live in the house when the movie starts, we never meet the Knapps (well, for one thing because they were already dead!), but we do hear about them through snippets of dialogue. In an early scene when Art is telling Ray about how secretive and weird the Klopeks are, he defends them (I bet he regrets that now!) by saying the Knapps also weren't conversationalists and they didn't even say goodbye when they moved (and now we know why!) When the two couples are meeting the Klopeks, Mark mentions he didn't even see the Knapps move, but one of the Klopeks insist that the moving truck was out all day. The only thing we really know about the Knapps, besides that they weren't too chatty, was that they were an elderly couple. Werner goes on to tell Ray that they "took" the house from them and that he had offered to buy it, but they had refused to sell because "You know how old people are. They grow so attached to things." Well, at least now we know the femur belonged to one of the Knapps. Also, I'm pretty sure you can't just kill the residents of a home and move in there...I'm no real estate agent, but I feel like there are usually papers to be signed. Also, did the Knapps have no family members who were worried about them? Unless they were a couple who never had children, so I guess it's possible. 

When he takes out the huge syringe, Ray starts to get up and tells him he thinks he forgot his wallet, but the murder doctor pushes him back down and it is revealed that Hans is sitting in the driver's seat and starts driving the ambulance erratically through the neighborhood while Ray is struggling with the doctor to keep him from sticking him with the syringe. Hans ends up crashing the ambulance in the front of Art's house. When that happens, the back of the ambulance doors open and the gurney comes rolling out with both Ray and Werner still struggling against each other. The gurney runs into the Klopek's car and when it does the trunk opens. It is absolutely hilarious when Ray stands up and starts yelling out, "Citizen's arrest! I am placing you under citizen's arrest for my attempted murder!" I mean, how many times do you ever get to say that? I feel like "citizen's arrests" are only something you see in movies and TV shows. He then tells the others (as you can imagine, everyone has gathered around them) that Dr. Klopek has confessed to the murders of the Knapps. One of the (foolish) detectives tell him he doesn't have any evidence and as he's saying that, Ricky looks into the open trunk of the car and he lifts up a blanket and says, "You do now." We see that the blanket has been covering a bunch of bones. I counted five skulls. Just how many people did they kill? (Cuz you know there's more!) 

So all the Klopeks are arrested and taken away. Why do they murder? We really never find out. Everyone goes home. The final joke is that Art's wife is back and his house is on fire. Mark and Bonnie tell him his wife is back and he exclaims, "My wife is home!?" He seems more shocked about that than his house being on fire (not to mention the huge ambulance that his ran through the front). 

Yeah, this movie is really stupid, but it was actually a lot funnier than I thought it would be, so I can see why so many people love it and why it's considered a cult classic. 

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Gremlins

Director: Joe Dante

Cast: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Corey Feldman, Polly Holliday

Released: June 8, 1984

This movie is INSANE, y'all! I first saw it when I was eight or nine and it scared the everliving crap out of me! I have seen it again since then, but the last time I saw it was probably in the early 2000s, so it has been awhile. In fact, it's been so long that there were quite a few things I didn't remember or remembered wrong. I'll address those when I come to them. Even though this movie is 33 years old, I'm sure there is an entire generation who hasn't seen it so there are spoilers! Like The Goonies (which came out a year later and has its own Gremlins reference), it was also written by Chris Columbus, produced by Steven Spielberg, and Corey Feldman is in it.

The movie begins with the father of the main character, Mr. Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), looking for a Christmas gift for his son. He's in Chinatown looking through an old shop with lots of strange and mystic stuff while an old wise Chinese man oversees him (the whole thing reeks of stereotypes) and he comes across a strange (and SUPER ADORABLE!!) creature known as a Mogwai. I didn't remember it ever being called a Mogwai, I always just thought the creatures were known as Gremlins whether they were in the cute and furry stage or the, ahem, monstrous stage. Peltzer tells the shopkeeper he has to have it and "it's exactly what [he's] been looking for." Wait a sec. A strange creature he has never heard of or seen in his entire life is exactly what he's been looking for? How is that even possible? He says he'll pay $100 for it, then ups it to $200. The shopkeeper tells him a firm no because he really is wise. He tells Mr. Peltzer that a Mogwai "comes with much responsibility" (and boy, does it!)  However, his young grandson tells Mr. Peltzer to meet him around back and secretly sells him the strange creature because they need the money. There are three rules (simple rules, really!) when it comes to owning a Mogwai:

1. Keep it out of light, especially sunlight. It could kill the Mogwai.
2. Don't get it wet.
3. And most importantly, whatever you do, never, ever, EVER feed it after midnight.

I, like many, as I'm sure, have a few issues with these rules and I will address these more as I continue on with my review. You'll notice the kid only tells what happens if you don't keep the Mogwai out of sunlight: it will die (which seems way more important than the third rule!) He never says what happens if you get it wet or feed it after midnight. Maybe if he did, then the Peltzers would be a little more careful with their new pet! Hmm, you think? Oh, and guess how long it takes before the rules are broken?

Because Mr. Peltzer is an inventor (and a crappy one at that - he's invented a "bathroom buddy" that's way too bulky and shoots out toothpaste, a juicer that explodes when you put the fruit in it, a coffee maker that pours out sludge, and a wireless phone (hey, I guess he was before his time, but if it only worked!)), he names the Mogwai Gizmo and gives it to his son, Billy (Zach Galligan), that evening, a few days before Christmas. I could have sworn that Billy was a young kid. I would have guessed anywhere between eight and thirteen years old. But he's not! Billy Peltzer has a job at the bank, he drives, he hangs out at a bar. I'm not sure exactly how old he is (Galligan was 19 when he filmed this), but he can't be any younger than eighteen. When we were first introduced to Billy working at the bank, I just assumed he was the older brother of the main character and he was going to be involved in the plot. I didn't realize he WAS the main character until his father gives him the gift. I think this movie would have worked much better with a younger protagonist. I really can't see a teenager (or someone in their early twenties) wanting a pet for Christmas. (Especially if they already have one, as Billy has a loyal dog named Barney). A teenager wants a car or something cool to wear to impress everyone. Now it's possible I was thinking of Corey Feldman who was probably 11 or 12 when he filmed this, but I do remember him not being in this movie as much as he was in The Goonies or Stand By Me or The Lost Boys (he only has a couple scenes). I guess I just assumed he plays the friend to a kid, who is, you know, his own age!

Billy opens his gift and this is when the audience is first shown Gizmo and OMG HE IS THE CUTEST LITTLE THING EVER!! He's so wittle and cute!!! I want one so bad!! Well, maybe not. As we will find out, this adorably cute little guy can cause A LOT of problems, especially if you don't follow the rules (And, obviously, I would follow these rules!) I also want to point out that NONE of the mayhem that will soon occur is Gizmo's fault, NONE OF IT. He is perfectly blameless in all of this mess. He is an innocent little bystander. They created Gizmo and the Gremlins with puppetry and animatronics. As you can see in the film, Gizmo is super tiny. When they showed close ups of just his face they used a large animatronic head. Sure, there are some scenes where it's super obvious Gizmo isn't real, but you have to admire they weren't using CGI (since this IS 1984) and had to create something that was actually in all the scenes with the actors.

Billy's dad tells him the rules of owning a Mogwai. You know, I felt really bad for Barney because Billy has dropped him like a hot potato and is spending all his time with Gizmo. Barney is probably thinking, I've been Billy's loyal pet for however many years and now I'm being pushed away for a cuter pet who can play the piano AND talk. (Gizmo is voiced by Howie Mandel. I thought that name was familiar and realized I know him best as the host of Deal or No Deal. Haha, remember that game show from the mid-2000s?) He can't talk in full sentences, but he does say phrases. Whenever Billy turns on a light, he'll say, "Bright light, bright light!" so Billy can turn it off. He also says "Uh-oh!" a lot (and with good reason!)

When Gizmo gets a boo-boo on his head (because he falls into the trash because Billy shows him his reflection in the mirror after putting on a Santa hat, so this is all BIlly's fault, mind you), Billy takes him to the freaking bathroom of all places to put a bandage on him. Now, I don't know about you, but my bathroom sink and counter is usually wet! WTF are you thinking, Billy? Can't you leave Gizmo in your room and get the bandages from the bathroom? I thought for sure something was going to happen in this scene, but it doesn't. Gizmo is so cute!!! I just wanna cuddle him and give him kisses on the top of his head, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! He's so cute, he makes me cry.

The next day Corey Feldman comes over to deliver their Christmas tree. He grabs a glass of water and goes upstairs to Billy's room, which is in the attic, where Billy introduces him to Gizmo. Corey, his glass of water, and Gizmo are all on the bed. Seriously, why isn't Billy saying, "Damnit, Corey Feldman, get your glass of water away from my pet." Cuz that glass is tipping towards the Mogwai. But nothing happens...yet. Billy takes him over to his table where he likes to paint. There is a glass of water for cleaning brushes. Guess who clumsily knocks over the glass and spills water all over poor Gizmo? Now you can blame Corey Feldman all you want, but I'm blaming this all on Billy. Corey didn't know about the rules. Billy, however does know about the rules and brings Gizmo over to a table that has a glass of water on it. Moron. The water causes Gizmo to shriek in pain and his fur starts to boil and a small ball of fur (a hair ball, you could say) pops out of his back. Billy and Corey are more interested in the small ball of fur and don't seem to care that Gizmo is writhing in pain. I wanted to smack Billy so hard across his face. Four more of these small balls of fur pop out of Gizmo's back and start to grow until they become the size of Gizmo. Billy now has five more Mogwai! While all this is going on, Barney seems very concerned. In fact, the damn dog (and Gizmo, of course) is the only one who seems concerned about this. Poor Gizmo looks so sad and is shaking his head. He knows what's up! (And it isn't good!) Corey wants one since there are now five more, but changes his mind when one of them bites him when he tries to pet it. This one has a stripe of white fur across his head and he will eventually become the leader and go by the name Stripe.

Billy tells his father about what happened and he thinks this will be a great way to create and sell more Mogwai to kids and that it will become the new popular pet. Their plans for this will soon be sidetracked, but how would that even work? You might be able to sell a couple, but if other kids wanted one, they could just ask their friends for one and all they would have to do is throw water on their Mogwai. If you can make these things multiply by five just by adding water to it, then it wouldn't be that rare! Billy also brings one to his science teacher and multiples another Mogwai. The teacher asks if he can keep one so he can run tests on it.

Now I remembered these creatures being good when they were in the cute and furry Mogwai stage and thought they only turned evil when they became the scary lizard-looking monsters, but that's not the case. Even when Stripe and the others are in the Mogwai stage, they are all mischievous and up to no good and have a sinister look in their eyes. In their Mogwai form, Stripe spits at Gizmo (so mean and uncalled for, Stripe!), ties up Barney in Christmas lights (totally uncalled for and how did five little creatures manage to do that to a pretty good sized-dog? They must have super strength? Also, why didn't Barney start barking the minute the Mogwai had him? He doesn't start whimpering until after he'd been tied up), AND they trick Billy into feeding them after midnight. They had unplugged his clock so when they're all begging for food, he think it's only 11:35 and grabs them a plate of chicken which they all eat like they're piranhas. See, this is a reason you could never make this movie today because all he would have to do is look at his phone! The feeding after midnight rule is a little confusing, because when, exactly can you feed them again? When the sun comes up? But, technically, it's still after midnight. Also, even if Billy does think there's still twenty five minutes left before midnight, doesn't he need to account for the food being swallowed and digested? I know, I know, I'm reading way too much into this. Point is, the Mogwai trick him and he feeds them after midnight. He even offers Gizmo some chicken, but he refuses. Meanwhile, at the lab, the stupid science teacher leaves his sandwich in plain sight right in front of the cage where he's testing the Mogwai so he's able to easily grab it. ("Yum, yum!") Now, to be fair, I don't think Billy ever told him about the rules. Geeze, Billy, when you introduce people to the Mogwai, you think you might want to tell people about the three rules?

The next morning when Billy wakes us, he sees these weird pod things. He shows his mother and realizes that the cord to his alarm clock was chewed through and that he did, in fact, feed the Mogwai after midnight. He seems to have no concern at all that these weird shells are in his room. He goes to the school to speak to the science teacher where he's looking at the pod in the cage. Now, until this moment, the movie has been a cute story about a boy and his strange pet ala E.T., but from now on it turns into a straight up horror show. Sh*t is about to hit the fan (and a couple of Gremlins too, ba-ba-ba). Billy's mom hears something coming from upstairs. She gets a phone call from Billy warning her to get out of the house after the Gremlin at school has killed the teacher with a lethal dose of something (why is something so dangerous at a school, anyway?), but one of the Gremlins has disconnected the phone. She then hears Do You Hear What I Hear? playing downstairs. Hands down, that is my favorite Christmas song of all time (I'm partial to the Whitney Houston version), but man, is it ever creepy when they play it in this scene! Mama Peltzer has her carving knife (from baking gingerbread cookies...don't ask) and she's about to go to town on these little demon monsters. Let's see: she throws one into a huge industrial blender, she sprays bug spray into the eyes of another until it backs up in the microwave and she nukes it until it explodes, she straight up stabs another one...Mama P. don't play around! She is attacked by the fourth one, but Billy comes home in time to knock it off of her and send it into the fire. Fun fact: this movie (and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) is the reason the PG-13 rating exists. The studio didn't think this movie should have been rated R, but it was defintely way darker for the PG rating it did get, so thus became PG-13. This movie almost got an R rating because it was supposed to be A LOT darker than it turned out to be. For one thing, the poor dog and mom were supposed to be killed by the Gremlins (and in quite gruesome ways!)

Stripe is the only Gremlin left and he runs to the YMCA where he jumps into the pool, producing hundreds of other Gremlins. I would have guessed that these creatures are only able to multiply when they're in the Mogwai form, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Stripe and the rest of the Gremlins wreck havoc on the town of Kingston Falls. This includes terrorizing Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holliday), the old mean lady who lives in town. We have been introduced to her earlier, and, boy, is she a nasty old witch. She threatens to kill Billy's dog (more than once) and she doesn't care about anyone. You just know she's going to get a nasty comeuppance, and boy, does she! She has one of those mechanical chairs attached to the wall that takes her upstairs/downstairs and a Gremlin messes with the mechanics of it and when she sits on it to go upstairs, it speeds out of control and she goes around and around (the house is only two stories, but she is going up way more than that) and it sends her flying out the window and crashing into the snow. A pretty horrifying, yet satisfying and hilarious death for a horrid character. Oh! Speaking of snow, all the Gremlins are all out in it. Why aren't they multiplying?

Billy, Gizmo, and Kate (Phoebe Cates), the girl Billy works with at the bank and has a crush on, try to stop the Gremlins. Kate tells Billy that this is just another reason for her to hate Christmas. Why does Kate hate Christmas, you ask? (Oh, as if you didn't know!) Even if you haven't seen this movie, you're probably familiar with this crazy monologue Kate tells about the day she discovered Santa Claus wasn't real...which is the same day her father died. When she was nine, he had dressed up as Santa and gone down the chimney, but had slipped and broken his neck and died instantly. They didn't discover him until they had started a fire and smelled something and the firemen came out and pulled out his body. Just a few questions: why was Kate's dad so stupid? And how did he fit down the chimney? I'm pretty sure nobody can fit down a chimney. Everyone knows Santa uses magic to go down them, duh!

All the Gremlins have assembled at a movie theater where they're watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (I was surprised Disney gave a Warner Brothers movie permission to use one of their films) and Billy and Kate sneak into the broiler room where they set off an explosion, killing all the Gremlins except for Stripe who has managed to escape to a nearby Montgomery Ward. While Billy is trying to ward (no pun intended, honest!) off the little demon monster, Kate is trying to find a light switch. Stripe has a chain saw and is going after Billy who is holding up a bat to stop the chainsaw. You would think the saw would easily go through a bat, which is made out of wood, but nope. I mean, it does go through it, but quite slowly so Billy has time to escape when Kate finally is able to turn on the lights. Also, Billy is a bit of a wuss. Here is his mother who singlehandedly butchered four of these creatures in a matter of minutes and he can't stop a little two foot creature from throwing balls at him. Just kick it. Stop being a baby, Billy! However, it's Gizmo who saves the day by pulling up a shade when Stripe has put his hand in a fountain and is about to produce more offspring. I laughed so hard when Gizmo pulls the shade because it's so freaking obvious they just attached a Gizmo-like stuffed animal to the cord and it just sort of falls. OMG, it is the funniest thing! It was also really super cute when he says "Bye-bye!" Stripe is killed and all is well. Interestingly, Gizmo was supposed to be the evil leader (obviously he was intended to change into a Gremlin), but Spielberg knew that the audience would (rightly) fall in love with him and wanted to keep him pure and good (and super adorable!)

The old wise Chinese man comes to claim Gizmo, saying Billy isn't ready for a Mogwai. Yes, I agree, but where was he in the first place? A couple days has passed since his grandson sold Gizmo to Mr. Peltzer. Surely he noticed the Mogwai was missing before then? Billy is a little upset that Gizmo is being taken away from him, but if I were him, I would be bawling! Gizmo is so freaking adorable and he can talk and play the piano! And he's soooooo cuuuuute! Super cute! However, I was all for the old Chinese man taking him back. Aside from the mother, these Peltzers don't know how to take care of a Mogwai.

An '80s classic for sure!

Oregon Trail to Treasure

The Goonies

Director: Richard Donner

Cast: Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Martha Plimpton, Joe Pantoliano, Anne Ramsey

Released: June 7, 1985

Hey, you guys! Goonies never say die! Down here it's our time; it's our time down here! I love this movie so much! It is THE quintessential children's film from the '80s (although there are certain things that aren't quite appropriate for children, but we'll get to those later!), but, to my knowledge, no other movie captured the awesomeness of being a child in the '80s like this one does. Now, this was a little before my time and I didn't see it theaters as I would have been much too young. I actually don't even remember when I first saw it, but it has been awhile since I last saw it (about 15 years) and I was worried that I might not like it since I'm a little older and more mature. But, nope! I loved it! I was laughing so much. Sure, it has its flaws and there are a lot of things that just don't make any sense at all, and sure, I may have had my nostalgia glasses on, but this movie is AWESOME! (Damn, those glasses just won't come off!) Without this movie, we would not have the likes of Super 8 or Stranger Things, which both defintely have elements of The Goonies. It probably shouldn't surprise you that Steven Spielberg was an executive producer on this. I have even told people about this movie who had never seen it and they watched it and they loved it!

This movie is about a group of kids (leader Mikey,  smart-ass Mouth, clumsy Chunk, and innovative Data) who call themselves "The Goonies" and they live in the coastal town of Astoria, Oregon. They live in an area called the Goon Docks, hence their nickname. The movie is set on what is going to be their last weekend together as their homes are being foreclosed and the property will be used to build a golf course and a new country club. (To be honest, I was never clear on whether it was all their homes or just a few of them). A treasure map is found in Mikey's attic and they use it to see if they can find the treasure and save their homes. The four young boys are joined by Mikey's older brother, Brand as well as Brand's crush, Andy, and her friend, Stef. While trying to find the treasure, they run into the criminal Fratelli family who are after them to shut them up about what they saw. And thus the adventure of a lifetime begins!

I thought it would be fun to rank the Goonies in order of my own personal preference. I'll start with my least favorite and work my way up to my favorite:

7.  Andy (played by Kerri Green)

"This isn't like my mother's Steinway!"

Andy is the only "Goonie" I don't like. And I put "Goonie" in quotes because she tells Mikey she's not even a Goonie. She's just there to be the "girl". She's a cheerleader, she wears a short skirt, she has all the boys lusting after her (Brand, Mikey, and Troy all have crushes on her). She's also the one to freak out the most when they're lost in the cave and realizes there may not be a way out. Look, I don't blame her for freaking out...I would probably freak out too, but my god, she's SOOOO annoying! And the way she freaks out is a little disturbing. Let me back up and explain: When we first meet Andy she is riding with Troy in his convertible. Troy is the hotshot jerk athlete (and his dad is the one trying to take all the homes away, so that way you know the entire family is evil). I'm not sure if Troy and Andy are dating, but I'm guessing they are because she's wearing his letter jacket with his name on it and there's a scene where Troy's friends are asking him if he's "made it" with Andy yet and he says no, but he plans to soon. But if they're dating, then why does Brand tell the others that he has a date with Andy? Maybe she's keeping her options open? She seems like one of those girls who always has to have a boyfriend and can't do anything without a man. Ugh! So when she's freaking out, she keeps blabbing on about how she should have let Troy look up her skirt (when she was in his car, he was adjusting his rearview mirror so he could get a better look) and maybe she wouldn't be stuck in this cave as she tells Brand that's the reason she ditched Troy and joined the others. So she's pretty much admitting she would have rather been sexually violated than be in a cave (where there are ways to get out...she was being a little overdramatic). She also keeps going on about what a beautiful body she has and she doesn't want to die before she gets "fat and ugly". Ugh, shut up!

Oh, and it gets worse with her! With every opportunity, she tries to make out with Brand. Now Brand likes her, but even he gets annoyed with her constant goo-goo eyes and always trying to make a pass at him. Once they are safe, and they are no longer being chased by the Fratellis or they are no longer in harm's way, he has no problem kissing her, but there are times she's trying to kiss him that are just not the right time and this happens about three times during the film. There's a scene when they're taking a bathroom break so she and Steph are separated from the rest of the guys and she starts wailing, "Brand! Brand!" in her annoying "help me, I'm just a helpless girl who needs a big strong man" voice. (CAN.NOT.STAND.HER!) Brand tells his brother to see what she's harping about and when he goes over to her, Andy, with her eyes closed, grabs Mikey, thinking he's Brand, and kisses him. My first thought was, How dumb is this girl? Does she not realize that the person she's kissing is the same heigh as her and therefore is not obviously Brand. They do address this when Andy tells Steph to "be careful" because she thinks there's a hole in the area and that "Brand" was standing in it. Okay, I'm glad they thought of something for that, but I still feel like she would have been able to tell she was kissing a twelve-year-old and not a sixteen-year-old. She does tell Stef that it was "weird" (but she still seemed to like it...we got a future cougar on our hands!) and she's confused because she didn't know that Brand wore braces. I mean, really, how stupid is she? Later, when she's kissing Brand she asks him where his braces went (this girl is really so stupid) and that's when she realizes she was making out with a twelve-year-old...because that's what every high school girl dreams of. God, I hate Andy so much. She sucks.

Okay, okay, okay, I will admit she does have one good scene where she is actually helpful in getting the Goonies out of trouble. There's a scene where they have to play certain notes on a piano made out of bones. If the wrong note is hit too many times, a part of the floor falls away and eventually they will all plummet to their death, but each time a right note is struck, a door will open a little at a time. She hits the wrong note quite a few times and with each one exclaims, "This isn't like my mother's Steinway!" or "I'm not Liberace, you know!" Or "I can't tell if it's a B flat or an A sharp!" To which Mikey replies with, "If you hit the wrong note, we'll all be flat!" I just love the look his brother gives him when he says that. But Andy does come through and plays enough right notes that they are able to open the locked door and escape from the Fratellis who are after them at that point.

6.  Brand (played by Josh Brolin)

"I'm gonna hit so you hard that when you wake up, your clothes will be out of style!"

Brand is Mikey's older brother who failed his driver's test, is always exercising, and has a crush on Andy. His taste in girls is terrible, but I guess you can't blame the guy. Albeit annoying, Andy is a pretty and popular cheerleader and always want to make out with him. What sixteen-year-old boy wouldn't like that? He thinks the idea of going after the treasure is dumb, so Mikey and the other Goonies use the spring-y thing (the thing he's holding in the gif) to tie him to the chair and make their escape. Brand was in charge of watching his younger brother and making sure he doesn't go out in the rain so he doesn't get sick. His mom tells him that if his little brother goes out, then he'll (Brand) will be in some serious you-know-what. Brand says, "Sh*t, Mom." His mom tells him not to cuss, but yes, that's what she means. This scene doesn't make any sense because literally seconds after that happens, she sees a mess of chips on the floor and says, "What is that? What is THAT?" Mouth and Chunk think she's referring to the broken statue (I'll get to that later!) and Chunk says, "Oh, sh*t, what?" Mrs. Walsh doesn't even blink that Chunk just cussed and tells the boys she wants the mess cleaned up. I don't know if she was so enraged by the mess that she didn't hear Chunk cuss or if she only dislikes it when her own kids cuss? It was weird.

I love the scene where Troy's dad and this other guy come to the house to remind them about the foreclosure and Troy's dad says, "Is your Mommy home?" and Brand replies with, "No, she's at the market buying Pampers for all us kids." These kids are all twelve and older...why is he asking about their "Mommy"? It's so weird. But that line made me laugh.

Brand goes after the younger boys by stealing Data's little sister's bike (Data and his family live next door) and telling her he "owes her one" (because Mouth let the air out of Brand's bike tires ("Now it's his flattest thing in the world!")) and is seen riding a little girl's bike with training wheels and a flowered basket by Troy, Andy, and Stef in Troy's car. Troy grabs Brand and starts driving really fast and lets go as Brand flies off a cliff. Um, I'm pretty sure Troy just attempted MURDER and anyone who just rode their bike off a cliff would DIE. But we never see how Brand managed to survive it as the next time we see him, he is with Mikey and the others. I honestly have no idea how he even knew where Mikey was, but whatever.

5. Stef (played by Martha Plimpton)

"I feel like I'm baby-sitting, except I'm not getting paid."

Stef is Andy's friend and while she has even less to do than both Andy and Brand, I put her ahead of them because she does have one of my favorite lines in the whole movie which is the one I chose for her quote. That line cracks me up and I've even used it in my real life a couple of times. (Because, really, haven't we all felt at one point or another like we were baby-sitting, but not getting paid?) I also laugh at the scene when the kids have just discovered the pirate ship and she and Mouth (who hate each other) are hugging each other and exclaiming, "Oh my God!" Then she realizes who she's hugging and says, "Oh, God!" in disgust as she pushes him away. That was hilarious. I had forgotten that there was a little crush subplot between Mouth and Stef and that was the reason they hated each other...because they secretly liked each other. This was a little weird because even though Martha Plimpton is only a year older than Corey Feldman in real life, in the movie, she is suppose to be part of the high school group and Mouth is part of the younger group, so why would she like the a young boy? Is she another cougar in the works? At the end of the movie, she tells him, "You know, your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn't ruining it" after he thanks her for saving his life and he replies, "You know, your looks are kind of pretty when your face isn't ruining it!" OMG, nice line there, kid. Yes, he does say he's just joking, but ouch!

This movie has many Scooby-Doo elements to it and Stef is definitely the Velma of the group (we all know Andy is the Daphne!) just for the mere fact that she is wearing glasses when we first meet her and ends up losing them once they are in the cave and Mikey steps on them and breaks them. ("You broke my glasses!") However, her eyesight must not be that BAD because she seems to see just fine for the rest of their journey.

4. Mikey (played by Sean Astin)

"Goonies never say die!"

Before he was a Notre Dame college football player or a hobbit, thirteen-year-old Sean Astin played Mikey, the asthmatic unofficial leader of the Goonies. It's his idea to find the treasure when all the boys go up to the attic and they're looking through all the "reject" stuff Mr. Walsh, who is the curator at the Astoria museum brought home, because apparently he's allowed to keep it in his attic? Don't ask me how that works. They find a map of the Astoria coastline behind a painting and realize it leads to treasure that was stolen by the pirate One-Eyed Willy. Mikey tells them the story that his dad told him about the infamous pirate and how the British armada was after him and he got trapped in a cave with his men. They set booby traps so nobody could get the treasure and Willy killed all his men so they couldn't escape with the treasure, although apparently one man did escape and thus that's how people know about the treasure and why there's a map. If there was a way to escape, I'm not sure why Willy didn't just sail away with the treasure, but whatever. The way he was telling it, I was sure Sean Astin was reading off of cue cards because for a while he just stares up at something, but I guess Richard Donner told him this story and just had him tell the story based on memory.

It's also Mikey's idea for them to keep going when they're all about to get out of the cave via the well. He gives them that speech where he says, "Down here it's our time! It's our time down here! Up there, it's their time! But down here it's our time!  Don't you see? Don't you get it? The next time we see sky, it will be over another town. The next time we take a test, it will be in another school." I may not have gotten that exactly right, but you get the gist of it. I have to tell you a true story: I remember seeing The Two Towers in theaters and I believe that's the movie where Samwise gives Frodo that speech about...something. I don't remember exactly, but it was a nice, uplifting speech. Anyway, when I first saw that, all I could think of was this speech Sean Astin gives in the Goonies and I kept imagining that he was saying, "It's our time down here! Down here it's our time!"

You have to give L'il Samwise credit, because without him they would have never had their adventure. He's the one who discovers the map that leads to treasure in the attic and he finds the doubloon where he's able to line up the rock, lighthouse, and restaurant and he's the one who first "meets" One-Eyed Willy.

3. Mouth aka Clark (played by Corey Feldman)

"This was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back."

This kid is such a little sh*t stirrer and never shuts up, hence his nickname of "Mouth". He is an evil little child, but he is hilarious. I get the feeling the others don't like him very much, but they let him be part of their group. We know Stef doesn't care for him and he makes poor Chunk, the chubby kid do the Truffle Shuffle which is a dance where he has to lift his shirt and shake his belly, which Mikey doesn't think is very funny.

Mouth's main attribution to the group is that he is fluent in Spanish, so he is able to decode many of the messages/instructions that are written in Spanish as they make their way to the treasure. This is first set up when Brand and Mikey's mom comes home with an older woman named Rosalita who is going to help them pack because Mrs. Walsh broke her arm and needs help. This really makes no sense because a)They are suppose to move the next day and they are just now packing their house? and b)Why didn't Mrs. Walsh just hire a moving company instead of an older woman? Anyway, since Rosalita doesn't speak any English, Mouth ever so kindly offers to translate for Mrs. Walsh since he knows Spanish. Every time they go to a different room and Mrs. Walsh gives the instructions, Mouth tells her something outrageous and everything is so not appropriate for a children's movie! I am shocked at what they were able to get away with for a children's film in the '80s! I guess it was a much different time back then! In the first room, he tells her that the heroin goes in one drawer, the cocaine goes in another drawer, and the marijuana goes in the last drawer and to make sure to not get the drugs mixed up. When Mrs. Walsh tells Rosalita not to go in the attic, Mouth tells her not to go up there because that's where Mr. Walsh keeps his sexual torture devices. And finally, when Mrs. Walsh is telling her about the broom closet, Mouth tells her that's where she'll be kept without any food or water if she does a bad job. It's so messed up! Mrs. Walsh thanks him and tells him how nice it was for him to translate and he replies with a sweet smile and says, "Nice is my middle name!" Mrs. Walsh also tells Rosalita she wants the house clean before they tear it down, which makes no sense at all...why would someone care about their house being cleaned if it's going to get torn down anyway?

When we are first introduced to Mouth, he comes into the Walsh home ready for the last weekend they will be spending together before they are all separated. He is disappointed they won't be able to do anything fun since Brand flunked his driver's test and they won't have a car and now they won't be "cruising the coast, sniffing some lace, downing some brews." Why is a twelve-year-old talking about drugs and alcohol? Oh, never mind, it is Corey Feldman, after all. Funny how that worked out.

One of my favorite Mouth moments is when clumsy Chunk knocks over this statue of a naked man (I think it's suppose to be a replica of Michaelangelo's David) and the genitals break off. Both Mikey and Brand are freaking out like it shattered into a million pieces instead of one piece just broke off and it would be pretty easy to glue back on. Brand screams "YOU IDIOT!" and Mikey is also upset and tells him, "That's my mom favorite piece!" In reply, Mouth says, "You wouldn't be here if it wasn't" and that just made me laugh...not just what he said, but the way he says it. Both Mikey and Brand yell at him to "SHUT UP!", but I'm on Mouth's side here. I think he had every right to make that stupid crack and honestly I would have done the same thing. Mikey was totally asking for it. First of all, why is he sharing the fact that the penis on the naked male statue is his mom's favorite "part". Who says that? And why does he even know that in the first place? Did his mom tell him that? Is she sexually crazed or something? It's so weird!

Not surprisingly, Mouth's mouth often gets him into trouble. It also almost gets his tongue sliced off! When the four young boys go into the restaurant (that's closed for the season) that lines up with the doubloon, what they don't know is that it's the hideout for the Fratelli family which consists of Mama Fratelli (Anne Ramsey) and her sons Francis (Joe Pantoliano) and Jake (Robert Davi). There's a third son called Sloth that they keep locked in chains downstairs, but we'll get to him later. That enough is to say the Fratellis are horrible people, but Mama and Francis have also broken Jake out of jail and have killed two feds along the way. The fact that they are counterfeiting money seems to be the least offensive thing do.

Mama Fratelli offers the boys water (nasty unclean water!) and asks if they want anything else. The three other boys don't want anything, but Mouth, being Mouth, starts talking in an Italian accent and asks for a bunch of Italian dishes. This prompts Mama to grab him by the face, force his tongue out and tells the kids the only thing they serve is tongue and process to take out a pocket knife and open it up very close to Mouth's face. Now while I don't remember seeing this for the first time, I have no doubt I was covering my mouth with my hand like the three other boys do! And this isn't the only time that Mama Fratelli will threaten to cut off a kid's body part!

I loved the scene when they're all on the water slide (oh, man, how fun did that look?) and when they're coming out of the chute (which was a pretty high drop into the water), Mouth yells, "Ohhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhhhh*tttttttt!" They must say the s-word at least twenty times in this movie and I'm not exaggerating! And this is a PG movie! I think nowadays you can only get away with using that word once in a PG-rated movie.

2. Data (played by Jonathan Ke Quan)

"That's what I said! Booby trap!"

Data is the Inspector Gadget of the group with all his nifty inventions. Some of them work and some of them don't. Some of them even save his life like the Pinchers of Power (or is it Peril...I'm not quite sure) which is a pair of those plastic clattering teeth attached to a spring coil that he uses to grab hold onto a rock as he's falling hundreds of feet down a pit and the teeth grab the rock right before he is about to get spiked. Don't ask me how that manages to hold a ninety pound kid (well, maybe he's more like eighty pounds because he does say he is the smallest of the group at one point, but still...), but this is a movie and there are many ridiculous things in it. He uses his "slick shoes" to deter the Fratelli brothers who are after them at this point. They're crossing a log over water and Data squirts oil that is in the bottom of his shoes onto the log, thus making it slippery and the two brothers slip on it and land on their groins very painfully. This movie was like a precursor to Home Alone what with all the booby traps that are set (some by Data, some by One-Eyed Willy) and Chris Columbus, who directed Home Alone, wrote this movie. Data also uses the Pinchers to grab Francis in the groin and he has a boxing glove attached to a spring so when he opens his trench coat, it knocks out Jake, but the second time he tries to use it, it malfunctions and he ends up punching himself instead.

Data lives next door to Mikey and uses a zipline to enter the Walsh home. Because of their proximity, he appears to be Mikey's closest friend and they have their arms around each other as they're skipping to the restaurant. It's really quite adorable.

There's a running gag throughout the movie where Data will incorrectly say "boody trap" and one of the kids, usually Mikey, will correct him and he'll reply with, "That's what I said! Booby trap!" Data also refers to himself in the third person.

Even though the actor is originally from Vietnam, I think Data was suppose to be Chinese because at one point, Mikey says they're going so deep into the cave that they might end up in China and Data says, "Ooh, maybe I can visit one of my aunts!"

I mentioned that there are some booby traps set by the famed pirate, One-Eyed Willy. This guy really did not want anyone finding his treasure! I already mentioned the piano made out of bones that Andy plays to open a door. The kids always seem to set off all the booby traps and just narrowly miss getting killed. One that is set off has these huge boulders falling to the ground, about five in a row. Apparently, another set of these was set off as that's how Chester Copperpot, the guy who got the closest to getting to the treasure, was killed. We see a skeleton comically posed under a huge boulder. I mean, I don't know if it was suppose to be funny, but I sure laughed. The only part sticking out from under the rock was the upper body and the head and the rest of the skeleton was crushed underneath the boulder.

1. Chunk aka Lawrence (played by Jeff Cohen)

"Gee, Mister, you're even hungrier than I am!"

Chunk is the chubby, klutzy, scaredy-cat, pathological liar kid who has a much different adventure than the other kids because he gets separated from them. I laughed so hard when we are first introduced to him where he's in a pizza parlor and sees a police chase and excitedly runs up to the window to watch it and smashes his pizza AND his milkshake against the glass (I'm not sure why!), but as you see from the above gif, it gives a very amusing result! This is the first use of the s-word when Chunk exclaims, "Ah, sh*t!" after he ruins his lunch. He has a ridiculous sense of smell. When they're in the basement of the restaurant, he can smell the ice cream in a sealed refrigerator. He is so excited to have all these different flavors of ice cream that he doesn't even notice the DEAD GUY with a bullet through his head that's also in the fridge. ("IT'S A STIFF!") He is a fed the Fratellis killed and Chunk ends up getting stuck in the fridge with him while the other Goonies make their escape. I loved when the corpse is falling onto him and he tells it to, "Stay! Stay!" The other Goonies have escaped down through the firepit, but after Brand and Mikey notice Chunk is missing (glad they didn't make it too far before they realized someone was missing!), they go back up and tell Chunk to run and find the police because they are in "serious sh*t". By this time, it is dark when Chunk goes outside and he keeps telling himself, "I'm not afraid of the dark. I like the dark, I love the dark. But I hate nature! I HATE nature!" He runs out in front of a car and screams, "STOP! I'M JUST A KID!" which cracked me up. When a car does stop, he tells the driver he needs to be taken to the police because he found the hide out of the Fratellis, these disgusting people and that he can describe all three of them. A light comes on and of course it's Jake with Francis in the passenger seat and they grab Chunk and throw him in the back...where there's another dead body. That's some pretty scary stuff right there.

They bring Chunk back to the restaurant and threaten to put his hand in a blender if he doesn't spill the beans and tell them where the other kids are. In a matter of seconds, Chunk gives them all up (I can't blame the kid; I would do the same) and tells them they're down the fireplace, but they don't believe them. Lucky for Chunk, right when they have his hand in the blender and are about to turn it on, this is when the Goonies have come across a bunch of bats that have been let loose when Brand moves a big rock blocking a part of the cave. After we see a bunch of (obviously) fake plastic bats dangling in front of the kids, they all fly up through the fireplace and that's when the Fratellis realize there's a tunnel leading down somewhere.

They throw Chunk in with Sloth, the third Fratelli son. He's this super jacked guy who has a deformed face. It's like his skull didn't quite form properly and he had a droopy face because his eyes don't match up and he has about four teeth. We later learn that his mom may have dropped him "more than one time" when he was a baby, hence his deformity. He's quite scary when you first see him, especially since he screams at Chunk, but then you realize he's just a gentle giant who just wants some chocolate. ("Choc-o-late? Choc-o-late!") I'm pretty sure when I first saw this, I thought they actually found someone who looked like that. No, they used make up to make the actor look like that. Sloth was played by John Matuszak who was a football player for the Oakland Raiders (and Sloth wears a Raiders t-shirt). After Chunk gives Sloth a Baby Ruth candy bar ("Ruth! Ruth! Ruth! Baby Ruth!") they have an unbreakable bond. ("Sloth love Chunk!") Sloth even breaks his chains to retrieve the candy bar that Chunk threw at his head. They start heading after the Fratellis who are now heading after the other Goonies.

Chunk does call the police and tries to tell them about the Fratellis, but the officer doesn't believe him because Chunk has pranked called the police before by telling them that 50 Iranian terrorists took over all the Sizzler steak houses in the city (how many Sizzler restaurant are in Astoria anyway?) and about the creatures that multiply when water is thrown on them, which was obviously a reference to Gremlins which Chris Columbus wrote (remember, he wrote this film) AND Corey Feldman was in as well. At the beginning of the film, the others don't believe Chunk when he tells them about the police chase he just saw. This is because he has lied about Michael Jackson using his bathroom, that he saved a bunch of old people from a nursing home fire, and that he once ate his weight in Godfather's pizza. He admits that MJ didn't use his bathroom...but his sister did! Hmm, I wonder it it was Janet or LaToya?

When the Fratellis have captured the Goonies on the pirate ship, Chunk and Sloth save the day. This is where we get the famous "Heyyyyy youuuuuu guyyyssssssss!" line from Sloth. The scene below I clipped from YouTube, was something I (and I swear to God I'm not even lying) laughed AND cried at the same time. And no, I'm not talking about I was crying so hard because it was funny, no I was laughing at this scene because it was absurd, but I was also crying, because it was so heartwarmingly sweet.  Just watch:

It was just so sweet, BUT, on the other hand, absolutely ridiculous that Chunk would just have this grown man, who obviously has special needs, live with his family without getting his parents' permission first. So that's why I was crying and laughing at the same time.

I don't know how exactly how long the kids were in the cave; I know it was overnight for sure because it's daylight when they get out, but everyone is there to greet them on the beach: their parents, the police, the MEDIA. They act as though these kids have been stuck in the cave for WEEKS. Oh, and even Troy's father shows up to have Mr. Walsh sign the foreclosure papers. However, Rosalita, who is also there, discovers Mikey's marble bag in his jacket (she has his jacket for some reason). The kids had gathered a ton of treasure on the pirate ship, but Mama Fratelli made them all hand it over. However, she missed the marble bag that Mikey had dumped out his marbles and filled with jewels. Rosalita announces the bag of jewels (why didn't she just keep quiet and keep the jewels for herself? She has no loyalty to this family, plus that Mouth kid was a little jerk to her!) and Mr. Walsh rips up the papers even though he has no idea how much these (cheap-looking) jewels are worth. And we will never know because the movie ends with the kids and Sloth watching the pirate ship sailing away (I guess the ghost of One-Eyed Willy is at the helm?) and there was never a sequel.

There are so many things about this movie that don't make any sense:
-What were 17th century pirates doing in the Pacific Northwest?
-If they had found that secret tunnel that Willy and his men built, then what were those very modern pipes doing in there?
-Why are there water slides in this secret tunnel...pretty sure water slides didn't exist in the 17th century!
-How come Mouth was able to enter the house without activating that Rube Goldberg contraption and this was before Chunk arrived and they made him do the Truffle Shuffle before they let him in...and he could have easily unlatched the gate! (Is he just a little dim?)
-Why did the museum let Mr. Walsh keep all that historical stuff in his attic? If they had actually went through all this stuff, they would have found the map that led them to some valuable treasure.
-If nobody was allowed in the attic, then why are those glass orbs with the "laser beams" seemingly plugged in all the time? (I don't know what they're called, but you know what I'm talking about, right?)
-Why did nobody go after the ship at the end? Um, hello, it was filled with rubies, diamonds, gold, silver, coins, you name it!

But even despite all those problems, I still love it. Those nostalgia glasses will never come off! If you are also a fan of The Goonies, I hope you thought this review was, ahem, good enough!