House Swap

The Holiday

Director: Nancy Meyers

Cast: Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Jack Black, Rufus Sewell, Eli Wallach, Edward Burns

Released: December 8, 2006

Viewed in theaters: December 13, 2006

I saw this in the theaters when it first came out and remembered absolutely nothing about it except that Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz swap houses over the Christas holiday. After watching it again on Hulu, I understand why I didn't retain anything about this movie: it is very forgettable and bland and ho-hum and average and milquetoast. I'm really selling you on this movie, aren't I? It's technically a Christmas movie - it's set around and during Christmas, there's a couple Christmas songs sprinkled throughout, there are Christmas decorations, it's called The Holiday, for God's sake, but to me, it just doesn't feel like a Christmas movie. I think this is because half the movie takes place in L.A. where it's sunny and I just can't get behind Christmas movies where it's hot and people are swimming at the beach or in their outdoor pool. Call me a traditionalist, but I need snow and people wearing sweaters and mittens and scarves in my Christmas movies! At least during the scenes set in England, it felt more Christmas-y.

Apparently I'm not the only one who didn't think this was a great Christmas movie (well, I didn't think it was a great movie, period). I was looking at the awards it was nominated for in the IMDB and it got the lovely honor of being nominated for "Worst Christmas film" (I love that that's a category) for The Stinkers Bad Movie Awards (which I have never heard of). You think I am joking, but this is actually a thing it was nominated for. The other films nominated for "Worst Christmas film" in 2006 were The Santa Clause 3, Unaccompanied Minors, Deck the Halls (which I've never seen), and Black Christmas (which I've never heard of, but it's a horror movie and I don't like horror movies). If you really care, Unaccompanied Minors won this prestigious award and while I don't think it's destined to be a Christmas classic, I will say that I think it is better than The Santa Clause 3 and this may be a hot take, but if somebody presented me with The Holiday or Unaccompanied Minors to watch during the Christmas season, I would pick the latter. Let's hope that never happens or I would question this person's taste in Christmas movies. 

Kate Winslet plays Iris who lives in Surrey and writes a column for The Daily Telegram. She is unhealthily in love with her ex, Jasper (Rufus Sewell). Even though they are no longer dating, he keeps putting the moves on her, making her think she still has a chance with him, even though he has a girlfriend now. He also works with her and at a Christmas party, he announces he's getting married to his girlfriend, which guts Iris. 

Cameron Diaz plays Amanda who lives in L.A. where she owns her own business putting together movie trailers and apparently makes "the big bucks" for it. Um, do people really make that much money for putting together movie trailers? People on YouTube do it all the time and I doubt any of them live in gated houses with a home theater and swimming pool. Just saying. I guess owning the business helps her pay the bills. We see John Krasinki in one scene as one of her employers and we see a trailer she's cut for a movie that looks absolutely terrible. Lindsay Lohan and James Franco play themselves, starring in this fake action movie called Deception. Nancy Meyers directed Lindsay in The Parent Trap remake, so that's probably how she got her to make a cameo in this. After watching it, Amanda says how it "finally looks like a hit!" which made me laugh since it clearly looked terrible and if she thought it looked like a hit now, how did it look before? 

She has a live-in boyfriend (whose name I don't remember and I don't care, but he's played by Edward Burns) who also works in the movie business. She accuses him of sleeping with his secretary (which he admit to); he accuses her of being emotionless and never crying and they break up. 

Amanda tells her employees she needs to take a vacation because she's getting too stressed and she read somewhere that stress ages women. She also talks about the bulls*t statistic where women over the age of 35 are more likely to die in a terrorist attack than get married which I remember was something that was brought up in Sleepless in Seattle but I thought that "statistic" was disproved. Also, in that movie, they say it's women over 40, so I guess with each decade, the age gets younger. This movie is pretty much telling you if you're a woman who is a certain age and don't have a man in your life, you may as well kill yourself. You think I am joking, but there is a scene where Iris thinks about killing herself! She turns the gas on her stove and blows out the flame, breathing in the toxic fumes, only coming to her senses and exclaiming "What am I doing?" when she hears her laptop chime and turns off the gas and runs to open up a window to breathe in fresh air. Both these women are young with great careers and envious homes and pretty much have it made, but since they can't hold a relationship they're pretty much deemed worthless. I hate this movie! 

Amanda decides she needs to get away from it all and clicks on a link called "Vacation Rentals", which pretty much what Airbnb or Vrbo is today. She's supposed to pick a country and picks England because she wants to go somewhere where they speak English. Um, why not just go to the East Coast? America is a big country, why not spend Christmas on the other side of the nation? Of course, Iris's charming cottage in Surrey is the second house she clicks on and decides it's perfect for her. WTF? If I were making a major decision on where to go for a Christmas holiday, I would look around a little more at my options. When Amanda sends Iris a message inquiring her about the house, that's when Iris's computer chimes when she's breathing in the toxic fumes. Also, what's the deal with this "website"? Shouldn't there be an availability calendar for the days Amanda is interested in staying there? The whole thing feels very impromptu. (Oh, you have no idea!) Iris replies back, telling her the cottage is only available for home exchange which means they "switch houses, cars, everything." Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. I understand Iris can't be staying in her house the same time Amanda is there because that would be weird, but if you were Amanda, would you just let some stranger stay in your house? Her house, as far as I know, isn't even listed on this website. Also, are these house swaps a thing? What if someone wants to stay in a fabulous beach house, but you live in some shack in Nowhere, USA, so that person gets stuck staying in your dump? What I'm trying to say is that not all homes are created equal. Well, luckily both Amanda and Iris have fabulous homes. (Of course they do, they're in a Nancy Meyers movie). They're chatting and introducing themselves to each other, giving the basic niceties about themselves. Amanda asks Iris if there are any men in her town. Now that's a stupid question; of course there are men in Surrey. But Iris seems to sense the answer Amanda is looking for and tells her "Zero". Amanda quickly replies back with, "When can I come?" and Iris asks her, "Is tomorrow too soon?" YES! Yes, it is! I need to pack! I need to make sure I have a freakin' passport! I need to make sure I can book a flight by tomorrow! I probably need to buy some WINTER clothes since I live in freakin' L.A. and most likely don't own a winter coat or hat or gloves or snowboots! I need to touch base with my employees first! I need to CLEAN my house and make a list of everything you should know when you're staying there!  Oh, no, but Amanda tells her "tomorrow is perfect." WTF? That scene made me so anxious. I hate this movie!

So starting tomorrow they will be spending two weeks in each other's homes. When Amanda takes a cab from the airport to the cottage in Surrey, the driver tells her he has to drop her off at a certain point because there's no way he'll be able to turn around if he drops her off directly in front of the house, so Amanda has to walk about a mile down a snowy road with her luggage. She is wearing stilettos and keeps slipping on the snow. That means she was wearing stilettos on a ten hour flight. WHY? Why not just wear regular, comfortable shoes for your flight and pack your stilettos. Also, why do you need stilettos? The whole point of this trip for her is just to relax in a cozy cottage and do a lot of reading. And she needs stilettos for this because....?  God, she is so high-maintence. What does Jude Law see in her? Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? She passes a couple on her way to the house and asks them if she's going in the right direction and both of them are wearing boots, like normal people who would be walking in snow. 

I must say the cottage is absolutely adorable and even though it is smaller than Amanda's L.A. home, it had to cost a pretty penny. Apparently, Iris forgot to mention to Amanda she has a dog. Also, apparently Iris didn't even tell her own brother she would be in another country for two weeks and failed to tell him a stranger would be staying at her house. We find this out when there's a loud banging at the door at one in the morning, startling Amanda. OMG, this would scare the crap out of me! She's sort of isolated in her little cottage, so only an axe murderer could be banging at her door. Luckily, it's just Iris's brother, Graham (Jude Law). He tells Amanda when he goes to the local pub, Iris puts him up for the night so he doesn't drive home. Not sure where he lives...why not just visit a bar closer to his home? 

Once Amanda explains about the house swap, he asks her how he's enjoying her stay and she tells him it's not so great and that she's leaving tomorrow...and she's only been there six hours! WTF? Okay, so she didn't have a good experience walking to the cottage in her stilettos, but she only has herself to blame for that, and she had trouble driving Iris's tiny car when she went into town to buy wine and other groceries (btw, what is it with Cammi D driving like a maniac in her movies?) But she's just going to fly back to L.A. not even after being in England for a day? Is she just going to stay in her house while Iris is there or make Iris leave? It was her IDEA to get away in the first place! Once we get the olbigatory they tell each other they're both single out of the way, Amanda tells him she just broke up with her boyfriend the other day, and came here to not feel alone, but feels more alone than ever. This leads to them kissing and then she suggests they have sex since she'll be leaving tomorrow and will never see him again anyway. Of course, since she looks like Cameron Diaz, she can say this without sounding like a complete loon.

So they sleep together and the next morning, Graham tells her if her flight is cancelled or if she changes her mind and decides to stay, he'll be having dinner with his friends at the pub that night. As he's getting ready to leave, his cellphone rings and for some reason (oh let's face it, for the plot's sake), Amanda picks it up and sees it's someone named Sophie calling him. He doesn't answer it, saying he'll call her back. Ooh, who could this mysterious Sophie be?

Also, Graham is wearing glasses because he tells Amanda he lost his contacts. I must say Jude Law in glasses is the best part of this movie. Sadly, beside this scene, we only see him wear glasses in another quick shot of him in a montage. I've included a photo so you, too, can admire him in glasses. 

So later we see Graham at the pub greeting his friends and when he sits down he looks up and who does he see sitting across the room waving and smiling seductively at him? Why, it's Amanda! I guess there's only one pub in this town since Graham didn't tell her the name of it and she went to the right one. Once again, Graham spends the night (but they don't sleep together since she was pissed drunk). The next morning, while they're chatting over coffee, his cell phone rings again and once again (for plot's sake) Amanda looks at it and sees it's someone named Olivia calling. Graham takes the call, going outside to chat. Amanda spies on him through the window and he's smiling and laughing and she thinks he's juggling two other women in his life. 

Graham tells her he thinks they should have lunch in town and get to know each other. Amanda tells him she owns her own movie advertising company and Graham tells her he's a book editor. Amanda confesses she hasn't cried since she was a teenager, when her parents divorced. She cried for a long time after it happened, but after that she hasn't shed a tear since because she thought she should "toughen up".  Apparently, this is the most tragic thing that has happened in her life. Look, having your parents get divorced is no picnic, but if that's the worst thing that's ever happened to you, your life can't be that bad. 

They have a wonderful time at lunch, but when Graham drops her off at the cottage, they both agree this relationship is complicated and better not to complicate it even further. However, that night, Amanda decides things aren't that complicated and decides to stop by Graham's home (how does she even know where he lives?) It's clear he has company over and Amanda quickly realizes this and thinks she's made a big mistake. But a little girl comes out and Graham intrudes her as Sophie, his daughter. I thought Olivia must be his ex-wife, but no, Olivia is his other daughter. Amanda thinks Graham is divorced (well, actually, she thought he was married at first which was hilarious), but he tells her he's been widowed for two years. You're probably wondering, if these two young girls don't have a mother, who was watching them when their father was spending the night with Amanda those two nights? He mentions they were with their grandparents. Also, I guess these two girls both had their own cellphone? Why else would their names be popping up on Graham's phone. I'm pretty sure the youngest one was six!

Amanda is quite surprised that Graham has two daughters, but she is smitten with them and the feeling is mutual. One of the girls tell her she looks like Barbie and they love her perfume and make up. After the girls are put to bed, Amanda tells Graham his kids are great, but is confused why he never told her about them because he's the one who wanted to go out to lunch and get to know each other. He says he didn't think it would be the best idea to introduce to someone who's leaving in a week and they'll never see again. I get that, but he still could have told her he had children, then maybe she wouldn't have shown up at his house unannounced. Graham tells her, "you and me, we come from different worlds" (okay, he didn't quote Hootie and the Blowfish, but he might as well have). He tells her he's a "book editor from London" and she's a "beautiful movie trailer maker from L.A." What is this, Notting Hill? He also tells her he has a cow in the backyard. He was joking, right? Because we never see this cow and I feel cheated. 

But they still can't stay away from each other and when it gets closer to the day Amanda is supposed to leave, they try to justify how they could make a long-distance relationship work. Graham assumes she must come to London all the time for work, but she says no, and suggests they could meet up in New York, since that would be easier (yeah, for her!). Amanda says they should just realize what they have now is good and is never going to get any better and to not pursue any type of relationship because there's no way they can keep flying back and forth all the time since she has her career and he has his kids. Then Graham drops the bomb that he's in love with her. (Not really sure why). The only way they can make this work is if Amanda moves in with Graham, right? It's not ideal for her not to be in L.A. for her career, but they can just send her everything to her computer. That's all she really needs to make movie trailers. There's no way Graham can move his two daughters to another country.

So Amanda is supposed to leave the next day, but when she's in the cab, she starts crying (who didn't see that coming?) and tells the driver to turn around. Since he can't make it all the way to the house, she just runs instead (and she's still wearing her stilettos! Did she not pack any other pairs of shoes that don't have pointy heels?) and I thought she was going to tell Graham that she was going to move to England, but no, she just tells him she thinks she can stay until New Year's Eve. That's great, Amanda you really solved the problem!

Let's check on Iris's adventure in L.A. While on the plane, she checks her e-mail and gets a message from Jasper asking her how he can reach her. Even though he's engaged, he still wants to keep Iris around as his sidepiece. Instead of just ignoring him like she should have, she writes back a reply back telling him she's trying to fall out of love with him.

Once she's settled at Amanda's house, she meets Miles (Jack Black), who is a composer. He works with Amanda's ex and is stopping by to pick up a few things. He's come with his girlfriend, Maggie, who he introduces to Iris. Throughout the movie, it was bugging me because she looked so familiar, then I was like, Is that Shannyn Sossoman from A Knight's Tale? And, yes, it was. Maggie is an up and coming actress. 

Jasper calls her and asks her if he can send her some pages from a book he's writing and wants her to look at them because she's the only one who he can trust to give him her honest opinion. Iris meets Amanda's neighbor, an elderly man named Arthur Abbot (Eli Wallach) who was an Oscar-winning screenwriter back in the golden era of Hollywood. What has Arthur written? Probably nothing you've heard of, but his friend wrote Casablanca and he added the "kid" to "Here's looking at you, kid." That's his contribution? I hope he didn't get any screenwriting credit for that movie!

Arthur has been receiving letters from the Writers Guild of America West, but he keeps tossing them in the trash. When Iris questions him about it, he tells her they just want to arrange a night to honor him. He doesn't  want to do this because he's embarrassed about being old and having to walk across the stage with a walker and is worried nobody will even show up. Iris tells him she'll help him get in shape (does this guy not have his own personal physical therapist...he lives in a mansion, so clearly he could afford one!) by the time the ceremony is held. Apparently, they want to have this ceremony for him soon and I'm thinking it's probably because the guy is in his 80s so they want to make sure he's still alive when they honor him. Yeah, that just got dark. 

Iris tells Miles about Arthur and how he's recommended a bunch of old movies for her to watch. Miles suggest that they watch one together and Iris thinks that's a great idea. Even though Amanda has shelves upon shelves of DVDs in her theater, she must not have any of the old classics Arthur recommended to Iris because she and Miles go to Blockbuster (how archaic!) to rent a couple of those movies. I hope Arthur didn't recommend anything to obscure because you're probably going to only find the really popular classics at Blockbuster. Also, you know they hid all the Kate Winslet and Jack Black movies!

While there, Miles keeps picking up movies and humming the theme, like the iconic ones to Chariots of Fire and Jaws. He hums the theme to Driving Miss Daisy, which I wasn't familiar with, but it was done by Hans Zimmer, who also did the score for this movie, so of course they had to shout out their own movie's composer. Fun fact: my favorite Hans Zimmer scores are from The Lion King and Gladiator. He picks up The Graduate and starts singing "Mrs. Robinson." Fun fact: my favorite Simon and Garfunkel song is "The Boxer." We see a quick shot of Dustin Hoffman in the next aisle, shaking his head and muttering, "Can't go anywhere." It was funny, but give me a break, like Dustin Hoffman would ever be at Blockbuster. He would be getting screeners delivered to his home. I bet he hasn't even seen this movie (The Holiday, not The Graduate). Apparently, he has a cameo in it because he was in the neighborhood when they were filming and wanted to see what was going on and they invited him to do a cameo. 

While they're at Blockbuster, Miles sees Maggie outside walking and holding hands with another guy. She had been in New Mexico working on a movie and it looks like she brought home a souvenir! After pouring his heart out to Iris, she tells him she knows how he feels and tells him about Jasper and soon she's pouring her heart out to him. It's Christmas Eve and Miles offers to make fettuccine for them so they can sit and eat it by the fire and enjoy being young and alive. Iris hugs him and tells him he's "an incredibly decent man." If that's not being friend zoned, I don't know what is. I guess we're supposed to think these two are romantically interested in each other, but I never got that. They just seemed more like good friends. At least they actually have a friendship while Amanda and Graham are just attracted to each other physically and pretty much have nothing in common. 

Since Miles wrote a theme song for Arthur for his special night, he plans to attend the ceremony with Iris. The night the ceremony will be held, he and Iris are having lunch together. He gets a call from Maggie, who wants tells him she misses him and wants to get together that day. I guess her new guy had to go back home to Santa Fe. 

Back home (er, back at Amanda's home), Iris gets a call from Jasper. He tells her he's sent a surprise and when she goes to open the front door, Jasper is standing there. WTF? He flew all the way from London to see her? No wonder poor Iris can't get over him since he keeps playing mind games with her. She thinks this means that perhaps he's not getting married anymore, but no, he's still getting married! Lovely guy. Iris finally sees that this guy is a douche and makes him leave. 

That night she attends Arthur's ceremony and the auditorium is packed and he is able to climb up to the stage and walk across it without a walker. Maybe Iris should look into another career as a physical therapist. Miles shows up a few minutes late, telling Iris that he told Maggie their relationship is over. He asks Iris what she's doing for New Year's Eve and she tells him she'll be back in England and he tells her he's never been there before, pretty much inviting himself. 

The very last scene we see is Iris, Miles, Amanda, Graham, and Sophie and Olivia all together at Graham's house, celebrating New Year's Eve as they listen to Aretha Franklin and sip champagne (well, everyone except the two little girls are sipping champagne). They almost make it look like this is the first time Amanda and Miles are meeting, even though they should know each other since Miles is friends with Amanda's ex. No way either of these couples are even going to last. This movie is terrible and might be one of the worst Christmas movies out there. Half the time I forgot it even was a Christmas movie!

The Sibling Switch

She's the Man
Director: Andy Fickman
Cast: Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum, Julie Hagerty, David Cross
Released: March 17, 2006

This is one of those movies where you have to wonder if every character is really that stupid and the answer, it seems, is yes, they really are all that stupid. So to set up the story, high schooler Viola (Amanda Bynes) is dismayed when she finds out her school is cutting the girls' soccer team because not enough signed up for it. After asking the boys' soccer coach if they can play on the boys' team and trying to get support from her boyfriend who is the team captain, they both pretty much laugh in her face. She (rightfully) breaks up with her boyfriend. Viola has a twin brother, Sebastian, who, we find out, got kicked out of their school for skipping, so he will be attending a boarding school, Illyria. He is a musician and is sneaking out to fly to London to play at some music festival and asks Viola to pretend to be their mom and call the school to tell them he's sick and will be out the first two weeks. After Sebastian's girlfriend, Monique, makes the comment that Viola and Sebastian look alike (they don't), Viola gets the brilliant idea to pretend to be her brother and attend his school as him. Then she will be able to play on the boys' soccer team and will prove that girls can play soccer with boys. Since she will be staying at the school, she tells her mom (played by Julie Hagerty) that she will be at her dad's house for the next two weeks. Very convenient plot device that her parents are divorced! 

We get a makeover scene of Viola asking her hair dresser friend to make her into her brother. She gets the same haircut cut as him (complete with sideburns) and that's pretty much where the similarities end. This all happens within the first twelve minutes of the movie.

Her first few days as Sebastian at her new school don't go so well. She's trying way too hard to fit in with her roommate, Duke (Channing Tatum) and his friends, who are also all on the soccer team. Because of her short stature (compared to a guy at least) they think he skipped a few grades. As a guy, she doesn't have a consistent talking voice. Sometimes she talks with a deep voice (as deep as she can make it), sometimes she seems to forget she's supposed to be a boy and talks with her normal voice, and sometimes she talks with this really weird accent like she's trying to be cool, like trying to fit in with one of the guys. When she tries out for the soccer team, she doesn't make first string.

I question some of the things she does. For instance, her first day of school, a box of tampons falls out of her bag and Duke and his two friends are staring at "him", obviously confused. Viola tells them "he" uses them to stick in "his", nose when "he" gets nose bleeds, claiming David Beckham does the same thing. She then proceeds to show them how it's done - WHY? Why do you need to show them how to stick a tampon up your nose? Seems very unnecessary. Also, if I were "him", I would have told them that my sister likes to play pranks on me and most likely put her box of tampons in my bag to embarrass me. This scene does get a payoff in a later scene when we see Duke has a tampon in his nose after he gets into a fight. Definitely not Channing Tatum's finest moment, but I guess we all gotta start out somewhere; this was one of his first movie roles, after all. Another thing I question is that Viola didn't really seem to think her whole plan through. She almost gets caught in the communal shower, but right before she undresses (she's just taken off the wrap around her chest) two guys come in. It appeared to be late, but not that late. I mean, what would have happened if those guys came in five minutes later? We then see her getting up at four in the morning to take her showers. Also, they never address this, but why aren't Viola's parents getting calls from HER school? Aren't they wondering why SHE isn't attending school?

Viola's guy friend has a great idea of how to make "Sebastian" cool with the guys and has this whole thing planned where Viola's two closest (and prettiest) friends will be at the pizza joint where all the high school kids like to hang. Viola as Sebastian will walk in and right in front of Duke and the other two guys (whose names I did not care to learn), the two girls will walk up to "Sebastian" one at a time and basically drape themselves over "him" and tell "him" how much they miss "him". Basically, they're trying to make Viola as a guy look like a lady's man to impress the guys. Seeing that Viola posing as a guy has a Boys Don't Cry vibe going on, I'm surprised they tried to make her a heterosexual male (and a bit of a player at that) because I wouldn't buy it for a second. After Viola as Sebastian impresses the guys, she has to quickly hide her face because Monique, Sebastian's girlfriend (or maybe it was his ex, I was always a little fuzzy on that until the end when we know for sure where their relationship lies) walks in and is trying to talk to "Sebastian". You think the guy's own girlfriend would know her boyfriend's own voice and realize that this person she thought was her boyfriend was half a foot shorter. Viola manages to get away, but it won't be the last time she has to escape from Monique.

There's a scene in this movie that's like the one in Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams is at a restaurant where he has to be Mrs. Doubtfire with his family, then his real character with a client or something (I don't remember...it's been awhile since I've seen that movie!) In this case, Viola has to be herself and her brother at a carnival her mom is the head of. Viola shows up as Sebastian with Duke and the other two guys, then they split up and she changes back to her regular self where she makes an appearance in front of her mom who asks where her brother is. Viola tells her she's going to find him and we see her change into Sebastian - on a tilt-a-whirl ride of all things. She literally puts a wig on while she's on a ride that spins around and around. I think that's pretty much impossible. Once again she is spotted by Monique who thinks she's Sebastian and is trying to chase him. Viola manages to lose her by diving into the ball pit where she changes back to herself while her friends (Viola's friends, not the Illyria guys) stand guard. I don't think it was necessary for Viola to change back to herself since Monique had left, but I guess she had to make an appearance at the kissing booth (as herself) where she was scheduled to work it. Actually, you know what? It really doesn't make sense that Viola was ever Sebastian in this whole scenario! Yes, I know her mom said she expected to see both her children at the carnival but you know Viola can't fool her as Sebastian; I would hope the woman knows what her own children look like! And I know Viola shows up at the carnival with the Illyria guys as Sebastian, but "he" could have just told them "he" was coming later. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more stupid this whole scene is.

Oh, I guess this is a good time to tell you about another little subplot of the movie right here. Duke has a crush on a girl named Olivia but he's not good at talking to girls (despite the fact that he looks like Channing Tatum!) and asks Sebastian if he'll help him since Sebastian is lab partners with Olivia in their biology class. Olivia is working the kissing booth and right before Duke is ready to kiss her, Viola is her relief and takes over, much to Duke's dismay. He and Viola share a kiss and that's when Viola realizes she has feelings for Duke (though let's face it: she was attracted to him since the beginning). Sidenote: even though kissing booth make great plot devices for movies and I understand why they're used, they are super gross and surely they are not used in real life, right? RIGHT? Just the fact of having to kiss hundreds of strangers makes me shudder and gag; I don't care if the money is going for charity!)

Duke finds out he has kissed Sebastian's twin sister and later tells "Sebastian" who eagerly tells him he should pursue Viola and forget about Olivia. Meanwhile, Olivia has decided she's falling for Sebastian who has told her earlier that she's not "his" type (yeah, no kidding), so to make "him" jealous, Olivia starts flirting with Duke right in front of Viola as Sebastian, which of course makes Viola angry.

To complicate matters more, the real Sebastian gets home a day early and is greeted with a kiss by Olivia who runs up to him as he's getting out of his taxi and tells him she'll see him tomorrow at the big soccer game, then runs off. Yes, I realize it was dark when she did this, but still, she couldn't tell it was a completely different person? Duke sees this from his dorm and when he sees Viola as Sebastian he accuses "him" of going behind his back and kissing Olivia which confuses Viola since she has no idea what he's talking about. At first she thinks Duke has figured out who she really is and is about to confess, then Duke says he saw "him" kissing Olivia.

Somehow, Viola has found somewhere else to sleep and the actual Sebastian sleeps in the dorm room and is woken up by the guys so he doesn't miss the big game. Okay, I realize everyone was in a big hurry and Sebastian's face is painted, but still? Nobody noticed that Sebastian's voice was completely different or he had grow half a foot or his face no longer had his delicate and smooth features? No more smooth, dainty hands? NOBODY noticed any of this?

Yep, can't tell these two apart!

A student at the school finds out the truth about Sebastian and Viola and tells the principal (played by David Cross) and is ready to expose Sebastian as a girl during a time out in the game. Sebastian says he is not a girl and to prove it, he pulls down his pants. The fact that he's so willing to pull down his pants in front of a whole stadium of people is a little weird, but maybe that explains why Olivia is so ready to end up with him. Yes, Olivia ends up with the real Sebastian even though it was really Viola she was into and the one she got to know. I really thought we were going to get a scene where Olivia finds out she likes girls, or, at least discovers she is bisexual, but nope! She's ready to date a guy she's never met before in her entire life. Super weird. The movie tries to make it out like they've been soul mates all along because in an earlier scene Olivia finds Sebastian's lyrics in the coat Viola is wearing when she's posing as her brother and she's just so enamored by them.

Viola manages to switch places with a confused Sebastian and explains to him what she's been doing for the past two weeks. She plays in the game and scores the winning point. That's when she reveals she's really a girl...by lifting up her shirt. Again, if I were these two kids' parents, I would be a little concerned they're so willing to strip in huge crowds of people. Also, wasn't she supposed to be wearing a bandage around her chest to disguise her breasts? That bandage is magically missing when she lifts her shirt (though she you don't see anything...this is a PG rated movie, after all!)

In the end, Viola ends up with Duke and attends Illyria. I don't think this movie would fare very well today. It's not very woke. There's some blatant homophobia coming from Duke whenever Viola as Sebastian tells him how hot he is. He seems very offended that who he thinks is a guy is telling him that. If I were Viola, I would re-evaluate this guy and ask myself if I would want to go out with him. That said, this movie has to be much better than Ladybugs, that movie where Jonathan Brandis dresses as a girl and plays on the all girls soccer team that Rodney Dangerfield coaches. I've never seen it (don't think I'm missing anything), but it seems to send a very sexist message saying girls need the help of a strong boy to win sports! Again, I've never seen it, so maybe it's an empowering movie, who knows, but somehow I highly doubt it. At least She's the Man is above that...but I don't know how much higher the bar goes! 

Airport Christmas

Unaccompanied Minors
Director: Paul Feig
Cast: Tyler James Williams, Wilmer Valderrama, Lewis Black, Paget Brewster, Rob Cordrry
Released: December 8, 2006

Much like Home Alone was a Christmas movie targeted towards me, a kid in the early '90s; Unaccompanied Minors was a Christmas movie targeted towards kids in the mid 2000s. Both have children wreaking havoc among adults, but while Home Alone is considered a classic Christmas movie, this one did not really stand up to the test of time and you never hear about it being a beloved Christmas movie. In fact, you wouldn't know this was a Christmas movie just by looking at the title (that's probably why they make the "o" in "Minors" look like a wreath). Now it could be beloved to the kids who grew up in the mid 2000s, but there is nothing about this movie that makes it join the ranks of the greatest Christmas movies of all time.

Unaccompanied Minors is about a group of young teens who meet when they are snowed in at an airport on Christmas Eve. We meet the four of them before the have met each other. There's Charlie (the only young person of the cast I was familiar with. He's played by Tyler James Williams, who is from Everybody Hates Chris) who lives on the east coast (I believe he says he's from Massachusetts). There's a weird scene where he's with his dad, about to meet Santa at the mall, but he ends up fainting because he apparently does this every year when he meets Santa. Keep in mind that Charlie is no younger than twelve. And then hid dad faints? WTF is going on here? We also meet rich girl, Grace, who lives in the "north"; rebellious androgynous Donna who lives in the "south" (her mom is played by Kristin Wiig in a blink and you'll miss it scene); and last but least, we meet Spencer and his bratty kid sister, Catherine, who live in the "West" (most likely Southern California). At first I thought Spencer was played by Jesse Eisenberg, but he would have been way too old to be in this. I listened to a podcast review of this movie and they kept referring to this character as "Jesse Eisenberg" which was hilarious.

We really only know Spencer and Catherine's backstory: they are flying to Pennsylvania to spend Christmas with their father. (I guess that family doesn't care about Christmas Eve if they're flying out on the 24th). They have to switch planes at the Hoover International Airport (not a real airport; I looked it up). According to whoever wrote the Wikipedia entry, it is located in D.C., but that can't be right because we see Catherine take out a NORAD map of where and when Santa will make his stops. Apparently this airport will be one of his stops (since when does Santa visit airports?) and judging from the map, it looks like the airport is located in Minnesota. It's a bit hard to tell because the words "Hoover Intl. Airport" stretches out from South Dakota and Minnesota and even touches the border of Iowa. Since this is an international airport, it would have to be in the biggest city in this area, Minneapolis. They don't really make it clear, but considering there is a huge snowstorm, Minnesota makes a lot of sense, plus we'll get another little clue why this is probably where the airport is located later on.

Spencer and Catherine meet a TSA agent named Zach (played by Wilmer Valderrma aka Fez) who is going to stay with them during the layover. The kid notice the airport isn't adorned for Christmas aside from some very minuscule decorations and he explains that his boss, Mr. Porter, isn't into Christmas decorations or Christmas in general.

Mr. Porter (Lewis Black) is in a great mood because it's his first Christmas off in fifteen years and he's planning to spend it in Hawaii, but when he's about to board the plane, the gate closes and the flight is cancelled due to snow. In fact, all the flights are cancelled and Zach takes Spencer and Catherine to the Unaccompanied Minors room where all the kids 17 and under who are traveling by themselves are being kept. Oh. My. God. This would be my worst nightmare; even as a kid, I would absolutely hate this. The room is full of screaming kids who are running around and throwing food. There are two frazzled flight attendants who are in charge of watching them, but they leave when they see Zach has arrived. I definitely don't blame them!

They want to keep the kids confined to this room so that means not letting them out even to use the restroom (even though there is a bathroom in the room, but it soon becomes inoperable because some dumb kid flushed his cell phone down the toilet due to a bet and it overflowed), but when Zach becomes pelted with snack and drinks, the door is no longer guarded and Spencer leaves the room followed closely by the other kids we met in the first scene, plus a fat kid, Beef (please tell me that's not his real name), who doesn't talk much and has an Aquaman action figure who seems to be his only friend.

All the kids go on their own little grown up adventure now that they are by themselves in the airport. Spencer decides to get a bite to eat and we see Mindy Kaling as the waitress. Seeing that Paul Feig directed some episodes of The Office, it doesn't surprise me to see cast members make cameos in this. Grace uses her High Flyer's Club card to enter a swanky part of the airport where she gets a massage and gets something to eat which includes fancy cheese and caviar. Okay, I don't care if you're rich or not, no kid would ever eat caviar. No human should want to eat caviar. It is disgusting. Yes, I've had it before, and I don't understand the appeal. It was the first and last time I ever ate it. It's a little bit funny because after that scene it transitions back to Zach where he's sitting at the restaurant and orders nachos, an actual food an actual kid would actually eat. He tells Mindy Kaling that his mom never lets him eat nachos or drink soda, so he orders those. When she tells him her mom never let her eat mozzarella sticks, he orders those too.  When he gets the bill, he leaves her an IOU note on his napkin (the bill was for $75! How much stuff did he order?!) and that she should e-mail his dad for payment and provides a gmail.com address to reach him. What? Is his dad going to use Pay Pal to send the money? He also mentions that he left his mozzarella sticks for her. Why would anyone want his cold mozzarella sticks? Charlie plays with all the gadgets at The Sharper Image, which includes sticking a nose trimmer gadget in his nose and turning it on. Gawd, kids are disgusting! Donna steals one of the little cars they use to transport old ladies and people who can't get around at the airport. Beef goes into the emergency equipment room (which surprisingly is unlocked). One by one, the kids get caught by security and have to escape them before they are brought back to the room of doom. Donna, driving the go-kart, picks up Spencer and the other kids. I thought Grace had a clever, but ballsy way of escaping security: she joins a couple with their son and acts like she's part of their family and puts her arms around the young boy and tells him, "Hey, bro." Lucky for her, the parents of the boy just look at her and start speaking in German. They don't know what's going on.

So these five kids on a go-kart are driving through the crowded airport, probably no more than five mph, ten at tops and there's about five out of shape security officers who can't even reach them! They are eventually surrounded by more security officers, including the mean old grinch, Mr. Porter, and brought back to the room where all the other kids (including Catherine) have been sent to a lodge. He tells the other kids they won't be going there because of the blizzard. If that's the case, then how did all the other kids get there? Wasn't it snowing when the room was chaotic and full of screaming kids? There's really no good reason why the five remaining kids can't go to the lodge; Mr. Porter just wants to punish them for escaping the room. He tells them they will stay in this room (which is a disgusting mess) and that Zach will watch them.

They kids concoct a plan to escape once again because Spencer needs to get to the lodge because he promised his sister that Santa would know where she is and leave her the doll she wants for Christmas. Or something. They call B.J. Novak (the other Office alum), who works at the information center and tell him they have a message for Zach, who in turn, is paged to the information desk. While Zach is gone, the kids hide in the rafters and he comes running back after B.J. Novak tells him a group of kids had the message "Goodbye" for him. He thinks they have escaped and runs out, leaving the door unlocked so the kids can escape. They must have used Grace's cell phone to place the call.

Beef tells Spencer he'll get his sister a Christmas tree and runs off, leaving the remaining four. I'm pretty sure there's already a Christmas tree at the lodge. Doe this mean this kid is the Chunk of the group since he is now separated from the other kids who are having the adventure?

Charlie tells the others they need to go to the baggage claim area in the northeast part of the airport because that's where security is the most lax. He knows this because he flies out of this airport every week. EVERY. WEEK. HE FLIES OUT OF THIS AIRPORT EVERY WEEK. Oh my God, this poor child. His parents are divorced, so his mother must live far away from Massachusetts. Even Mr. Porter knows who he is and was very disappointed in him since he called Charlie his "model underage flyer." But, dear God, I can't imagine being twelve years old and having to fly every single week. I can understand holidays and summer vacation, but EVEY WEEK? How does school work for this kid? Does he fly out after school on Friday, stay with his mom for a weekend, then head back Sunday night? This is no way for a child to live! I want to know where his mom lives and why she lives so far away from her son that he has to FLY OUT EVERY WEEK to see her! As someone who doesn't like flying (because of all the hassle), this would be my worst nightmare.

The kids distract the three or so security officers blocking the door by letting out a dog in its kennel. Mr. Porter hears the commotion and the kids hide in the baggage claim area. Charlie hides inside a suitcase that he's somehow able to fit into even though it's already packed. He is also able to zip it closed from the inside to hide from Mr. Porter, but will not be able to open it back up for some reason. He sees the suitcase on the floor and puts it on the conveyor belt to send it to the unclaimed baggage area, sending Charlie on a grand adventure that should have killed him, or at the very least, left him brain dead. Also, I find it hard to believe the two security officers who pick up the suitcase don't find it suspiciously heavy. There's a 12-year-old boy in there for god's sake!

They all end up safe and sound in the unclaimed baggage area which is huge and has fifty years of unclaimed baggage. At the beginning of the movie, we saw a commercial for an unclaimed baggage sale at this airport. As the saleswoman put it, "If someone's lost it, you can buy it!" And that's exactly what the kids do: they start playing with all the toys and gadgets and take what they want. Spencer sees a really ugly doll that looks to be from the '50s with a hard plastic body and a frilly purple dress. He knows it will be the perfect thing for his sister; guess Catherine didn't have a specific doll in mind that she wanted. Charlie finds four Walkie Talkies (complete with batteries!) that, believe it or not, will come in handy later on in the film.

While the kids are playing with their toys, then later having a dance party to a jazz song (cuz 2000s kid love jazz!), they are spotted by Porter on the security guard and have to escape him and the other security guards once again. They head outside where they slide down a giant hill on a canoe. The lodge they need to get to is at the bottom. Zach is the only one who has caught up with them, so they take him with them because he knows too much about their plan. Or something. Porter and the other security guards follow suit and take down items to slide down the hill: a kayak, a tire, a grill, among others. I'm pretty sure this "hill" they're sledding down is actually a mountain because it goes on and on and on. It's pretty obvious they shot the kids and Wilmer Valderrama on the canoe in front of a green screen. Of course the kids arrive safely in front of the lodge while Porter and the other security guards either crash or fly into some deep dark abyss.

So I'm thinking, great, the kids have reached the lodge, the bad guys are all gone, and now Spencer can give his sister the Christmas she wants. So that must mean the movie is about to wrap up, right? Nope! Wrong! We haven't even reached the one hour mark yet and there's still thirty-five minutes left!

Spencer is able to give the doll to his sleeping sister who had had to endure her own hell at the place by having to hang out with the granddaughter of one of the flight attendants (played by Jessica Walter aka Lucille Bluth) who's only a few years older than her and treats her like a living doll. Porter comes back and takes them back to the airport where he tells them instead of being confined to the large room, they'll now each have their separate private rooms. He also tells him that he's bumped the four of them from their flights so the people who are waiting in the airport can go ahead of them since they haven't gotten in trouble. Uh, he does realize he only has four people he can let go early, right?

As you can imagine, this is when the Walkie-Talkies come in handy. They can each communicate with each other in their individual cells. Porter has their security footage on a TV, but I guess he doesn't seem to notice they're all talking to each other (it's not like they make a point to hide it from him). I guess he figures it's harmless as long as they can't leave. You think a tough-ass like him would want to keep the kids from communicating with each other.

Grace, the rich girl, tells the others she lives twenty minutes from the airport. If you remember, she was the one from the "North", so her being from Minnesota would make sense. I bet she's from Edina, that Cake Eater. (Shout out to The Mighty Ducks). She flew in from boarding school and thought it would be more fun to stay at an airport than hang out with her nanny in her McMansion while her parents were in Paris. Girl, are you crazy? I bet you have a ton of fun things to do in your huge house. Who would want to hang out in an airport?

The kids concoct another plan to escape their cells and it involves recording themselves on their Walkie-Talkies, switching the video over to the security camera, then leaving through the vent. Crawling through a vent in movies/TV shows is one of the biggest tropes there is as I bet nobody in real life could even fit through a vent! These vents are so wide and spacious that two of them can crawl next to each other at the same time! Of course the plan goes perfectly without a hitch. They end up in the room where Mr. Porter keeps all the Christmas decorations. (Question: why does he even have these if he hates decorating for Christmas?) Around this time Beef returns with a Christmas tree that he traded his Aquaman action figure for and Spener comes up with the brilliant idea of decorating the airport for Christmas so when everyone wakes up, they'll get a nice Christmas surprise..bet you didn't see that coming! I had to laugh when Donna replaces one of Mr. Porter's tiny Christmas tree stickers with a bigger one, but it really wasn't that much bigger.

Mr. Porter and the kids come to an understanding and we learn that he doesn't like Christmas because his wife left him five years ago. They really only decorate one main area of the airport, including the tree, where they lead everybody to on Christmas morning. It's a nice sentiment and all, but truth be told, if I were in that group of passengers, I would not be impressed by the Christmas display. It's just a bunch of cheap plastic doo-dads. The kids from the lodge also gather with them and Catherine is reunited with her brother. Mr. Porter redeems himself by dressing up as Santa and surprising all the kid, including Catherine.

Mr. Porter tells the kids they'll be the first to leave when the weather has cleared and Spencer invites Grace to spend Christmas with him and his sister at their dad's house. Since they're both the older kids of the group, there's been a little spark between them. They also try to make Donna and Charlie into a thing, (she kisses Charlie at the end) since they're around the same age, but why do they need to couple up both pairs of kids? Also, shouldn't the kiss have happened between Spencer and Grace? They're the ones who have been serious quasi-flirting with each other this whole time.

So while all this is going on, the movie jumps to a scene with the parents of Spencer and Catherine. We see their mom (played by Paget Brewster) fretting about her kids being snowed in. She can't reach them because they don't have a cell phone (her ex-husband convinced her not to let them get one because they're bad for the environment). She's staying with her sister (played by Teri Garr) who is scarily into Christmas. Her yard and house is chock full of Christmas decorations and, according to her, she still has six boxes of lights she needs to put up. (And it's Christmas Eve! What's the point of even putting them up?) Her house looks like one of those little shops that has nothing but Christmas memorabilia. She offers a cup of hot chocolate to her sister, who says she's already had three and that it's 80 degrees. There's a terrible joke where the sister thinks she has a defective M&M because it has a "W" on it. This is really terrible humor, even kids have to groan at that, right?

The kids' dad (played by Rob Corddry) receives a call from his ex-wife and tells her he'll pick them up. This guy is very into the environment and drives a small dinky car he calls a biomobile that only takes a certain "vegetarian" type of gasoline. Of course there's noway that car can make it from Pennsylvania to (possibly) Minnesota (damn...if that airport is located in Minneapolis, that's quite a long drive!) A mechanic helps him out and lets him borrow a Humvee to drive which scandalizes him and he hopes the guys from the Sierra Club don't see him driving that monstrosity. (Those are pretty obnoxious vehicles).  He reaches the airport on Christmas morning, just in time to surprise his kids.

While this isn't the worst Christmas movie out there (just turn on the Hallmark Chanel to find those; hell, even Netflix is churning out some Christmas crap), it's defintely not going to be considered a holiday classic anytime soon and there are better movies to watch during this time of the year!

The Perfect Heist

Inside Man

Director: Spike Lee

Cast: Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Jodie Foster, Christopher Plummer, Chiwetel Elijofor, Willem Dafoe

Released: March 24, 2006

Viewed in theaters: March 28, 2006

Spoilers ahoy!

I guess since after watching Heat, I was still in the mood to watch a movie with a bank heist, so I chose this one when I saw that it was on Netflix. However, unlike Heat where the bank robbery is only one scene in the entire movie, the entire plot of Inside Man is about the heist. The movie opens with a bunch of people at a bank in New York City: we see the tellers, the security guards, and the patrons waiting in line. There's a man with his young son who's playing a game on his electric device, there's an obnoxious woman talking loudly on a phone and a security guard has to tell her to lower her voice, a woman listening to her iPod and singing along to it, a rabbi, and others. In a way, these people reminded me of the people on the bus in Speed: none of them are played by anyone you would recognize, but they're all characters who you learn about throughout the course of the movie as we will see more of them. Of course, with Speed, there's what, fifteen people on the bus who aren't Keanu Reeves or Sandra Bullock, so it's easier to get to know all of them. In Inside Man, there's about fifty extras who are in the bank during the heist so we only get to know a select few. During the film we see some of the people who were in the bank being interrogated by Detective Keith Frazier (that's Frazier with a Z!) played by Denzel Washington who dons a very stylish hat and his partner, Detective Bill Mitchell played by Chewetel Elijofor. All of those scenes are interwoven while what's happening in the bank is still going on. You know all these interviews are taking place after everyone is out of the bank and you know those people made it out alive.

While this is a heist movie, it's also a hostage movie. Clive Owen plays Dalton Russell who has set in motion the perfect bank robbery with his crew, which includes two other guys and one woman. They walk into the bank dressed as painters (including wearing masks and sunglasses) as though they're there to do some job. Nobody even blinks or notices them. Not until one of the higher ups at the bank realizes that they didn't hire anyone to do any paint jobs and when he questions Russell, that's when he screams at everyone to get down and the rest of his crew point guns at everyone until they're all laying on the ground.

They gather everyone and divide them up into two groups: employees and patrons and gather everyone's phones and keys. One bank worker tells Russell that he forgot his phone and Russell, not believing him, tells him he's going to ask him again, but the man insists he forgot it. I really thought he was being sincere since Russell tells him if he lies to him, he'll kill him and I'm sure the man would have produced his phone if he really had it with him. Russell starts going through all the other bank workers' phones, seeing if any of them have Peter Hammond, the name of the man who forgot his cell phone, on their speed dial. (And you can tell right away this movie came out before the iPhone was a thing, because there's not a one to be seen! We will later see a very early version of the iPod which looks very archaic in this day!) When he comes across a phone that does have Hammonds number, he dials it and hears a phone in a nearby office ring. He doesn't kill Peter, but he does take him into the office where he beats him.

They then make everyone take off their clothes and put on jumpsuits, similar to the ones the robbers are wearing. This is to confuse the police so they won't know who the hostages are from the bank robbers. This is why we see the two detectives interviewing everyone later on: to see if they were part of the robbery. The hostages will be divided randomly into three or four different rooms, sometimes changing people to another room and even inserting one of the robbers into one of the rooms to pretend they're one of them. Since they're all wearing the same uniforms, it's all very confusing, not just for the hostages, but for the viewing audience!

Can I just say that being taken hostage would be one of my worst nightmare sceanrios? (And I have about a million worst nightmare scenarios). Obviously, it would be quite terrifying, especially if people were being killed and you didn't know if you were safe or not. But honestly? On a more selfish level? I think it would just be so boring. You wouldn't know how long you would be in this situation. What if you got hungry or had to pee? You probably wouldn't have your phone or anything to keep you occupied. You wouldn't be able to check Facebook or listen to a podcast or read a book or watch a movie on Netflix. You probably wouldn't be able to talk to anybody else, like these people were instructed. You would be too scared and worried to fall asleep...it would just be so boring! Heh, I just realized that it seems I would be much more worried about being bored than about the possibility of being murdered if I were ever taken hostage.

The two detectives are paired with Captain John Darius (Willem Dafoe) and his crew where they have a van with surveillance set outside the bank. During the course of the hostage crisis, a few civilians are set free, often with a message for the police. The first is an old man who was wheezing and claiming he was having a heart attack. Since he's wearing a jumpsuit and mask, he has to tell the police not to shoot and that if they go inside, the next two people who are brought out will be dead bodies. From this first released hostage, they know there are four perpetuators, including one woman, and they are also donning the same outfits.

When another hostage is released with a message telling them they need food for 50 people, they send in pizzas with listening devices attached to the boxes. They are told by one of the officers that pizza works better than sandwiches because then you can hear conversations of the people who have to huddle around the pizza box to eat instead of going their own separate ways with their individual sandwiches. But the criminals are too smart for them and put on an old propaganda tape of the Albanian president. The police don't realize this until much later. At first they think it's Russian, but when they get their Russian language expert to analyze it, he tells them he doesn't recognize it. When they play it over a loud speaker and ask the group of spectators if anyone recognizes the language, a guy comes forward, telling them it's Albanian and he knows this because his ex-wife is from Albania. Since they don't have any Albanian language speakers in the field, they ask the guy to call his ex. She tells them she will help as long as they make her parking tickets go away, then tells them it's a recording of a dead Albanian president.

You can tell the writer of this movie is a fan of Al Pacino, specifically '70s Al Pacino because there are references to three of his movies: The Godfather, Serpico, and Dog Day Afternoon. When Frazier finally talks to Russell on the phone, Russell refers to him as "Serpico." He tells Frazier that he wants a plane fueled and ready and as long as he gets that, nobody will be killed.

Meanwhile, the founder of the bank and chairman of the board, Arthur Case (Christopher Plummer) has hired power broker Madeline White (Jodie Foster), a person who has "very special skills and complete discretion" to fix problems. Case tells her he has something of great value to him in one of the lockboxes at the bank and he wants to be sure that it doesn't get into the wrong hands. Madeline assures him she'll do what she can and is able to enter the bank to speak to Russell. After speaking to her on the phone, he invites her inside once he is satisfied she's neither a cop nor works for the bank. She tells him that he's not stupid, that he knows that he's not going to be able to escape from this and that she will be able to arrange for him to only have three or four years of jail time since he hasn't stolen anything or killed anyone...yet. (That may be true, but he sure has assaulted many people!) She also offers to have two million dollars waiting for him once he is out of prison. He tells her, "Thanks, but no thanks." During their conversation, we find out that when Case was a young man, he worked for a bank in Switzerland during World War II where he used money from the Nazis to start this bank. Russell has already retrieved what was inside the lockbox which included documents from Nazi Germany, proving that Case had ties to the Nazis. Yeah...no wonder he wanted to keep that hush hush! Russell uses this information to blackmail her and she tells him that he will be paid a good amount of money if he destroys the contents. She asks him how he even plans to get out and he simply replies, "I'm going to walk through the front doors."

Madeline tells Detective Frazier the deal she offered Russell, but Frazier doesn't believe that she would go in to tell him something that he already knew. She is convinced that he's not going to kill anyone because he doesn't seem like a murderer and Frazier tells her, "You never know what a person will do until you've pushed them in a corner" to which Madeline replies, "But it doesn't seem like you've pushed him into a corner." This statement will stay with him as we will later see in a few scenes.

The fact that Russell doesn't seem to be in any rush, despite making demands for a plane has Frazier wondering and he calls Russell with the news that his plane is ready, but before he can allow him on, he needs to inspect the bank first to make sure that nobody has been killed. He is let into the bank after he is patted down and shown the four rooms with all the hostages. He tells Russell he knows he's stalling and there's no way he plans to get on a plane with 50 hostages (I had no idea he was planning on taking the hostages with him!) and Frazier knows that Russell knows that won't work because he saw Dog Day Afternoon. (Thanks for spoiling that for me, Denzel!) I do have Dog Day Afternoon in my Netflix queue along with fifty other movies, not to mention the fifteen movies I have on my "to watch" list on Netflix Instant. So, eventually, I'll get around to watching and reviewing it! He wants to know what his real plan is, but Russell won't reveal anything to him, only that he'll walk out the door when he's good and ready. Before he leaves, Frazier attacks Russell, but immediately has a gun to his head by one of the other criminals. Since Russell had the chance to kill him, but didn't, this proves to Frazier that he's not the killing type. Hmmm, I feel like Frazier was a little too close to playing Russian roulette with that move on attacking Russell: if he doesn't get killed, Russell's not the murdering type. If he does get killed, well, he's dead! I don't think I'd want to take a chance like that! However, he seems to be wrong about Russell because Russell calls him and tells him to put the camera on the second floor window and they see a hostage with a bag over their head get executed. So much for the theory that Frazier had about Russell not being a violent person.

The next shot of the movie is Frazier walking back to the bank with a pissed-off look on his face. Except the way they shot it, he's not walking, he's more like gliding. You can tell that Denzel is standing on a conveyer belt or something similar to it. It looks really weird, but you know that Spike Lee loves this shot because he used it as Denzel's clip at the end of the movie when all the actors are being credited with their own scene from the movie. To me, it would look way more menacing if he were actually walking with a purposeful stride. It is a very artistic choice, but doesn't work in the context of the scene. I guess this is something Spike Lee does in a lot of his films.

Now that someone has been killed, it's time to get serious and end this thing before anything else catastrophic happens. Frazier realizes, after they've had a conversation about how they plan to infiltrate the bank, that the criminals have probably put a listening device on one of the items that have been brought out with the hostages. He is proven right, but is too late to stop them from entering the bank. It's chaotic, but all the hostages are released with no one being killed. The only problem is, since they're all dressed the same as the criminals, they can't decipher the hostages from the robbers and that is when they're all taken in for questioning. Everyone is treated as a suspect. The police look around the bank and find some very peculiar things which include fake weapons, a prop that was used to fake the execution with fake blood, and the fact that nothing was taken from the bank.

Since there's no way to determine who robbed the bank, Frazier is told by his superior to bury it. Nobody was killed and nothing was stolen, so no harm. Frazier knows there's got to be more to the story, because why else would this whole thing have happened. He keeps pursuing the case and discovers that the only safety deposit box that doesn't have any records is number 392 which contains Mr. Cases's Nazi paraphernalia, a ring which used to belong to a Jewish friend whom Case betrayed to the Nazis, and diamonds. When Frazier and Mitchell get a warrant to search box number 392, they only find the ring is still there. Russell has taken the diamonds and the Nazi documents as an insurance policy. The two detectives confront Case about the mysterious lockbox with the ring, but he tells them nothing. When Frazier finds Madeline having lunch at a fancy restaurant with the Mayor, he implores her to contact the War Crime Issues Office in D.C. I did love when he enters the restaurant, a snooty maitre'd asks for his hat and he replies, "No, you may not have it. Get your own." Ha!

During the movie, the four perpetrators had been woking on building a fake wall in the supply room which Russell hid behind for a week (they also dug a hole for him to use as a toilet...not sure what he did about food, I imagine he brought enough. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why he was in there for an entire week; that seems a little excessive). He is, in fact, able to walk right out the front doors just as he said he would. Although, you would think after spending a week without being able to shower, he would smell terribly (which is even brought up by his crew when they are there to pick him up), but nobody even seems to pay any attention or make any comments as he's exiting the bank. Maybe it's not unusual for people to smell in New York! Russell is not only carrying a heavy backpack on his back, but he's also holding a heavy duffel bag. You think that would be a bit suspicious, but no, nobody seems to notice this. He is able to leave the bank without anybody paying any mind to him at all.

If you like heist movies, you will like this one and if you like Denzel Washington, you will like this movie, I guarantee it! 

Boston Rats

The Departed

Director: Martin Scorsese

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, Mark Wahlberg, Vera Farmiga, Alec Baldwin

Released: October 6, 2006

Oscar nominations:

Best Picture (won)

Best Director - Martin Scorsese (won)

Best Supporting Actor - Mark Wahlberg (lost to Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine)

Best Editing (won)

Best Adapted Screenplay - William Monahan (won)

If you've never seen it, I would highly suggest watching The Departed before reading this review. I will give warnings when I get to spoilers...I have slight spoilers and I have major spoilers. It probably won't be a big deal if you're spoiled slightly, but, trust me, you don't want to know the major spoilers if you haven't seen this movie yet! 

So this film is actually a remake of a 2002 Hong Kong film called Infernal Affairs. I've never seen it, but from what I do know about it, it's an hour shorter than The Departed (which is two and a half hours long). The inspiration for that movie was a more realistic version of Face/Off and while I was watching this, I did kind of get that vibe (just not as absurd!)

Even though this is a remake of a foreign film, I did get a slight Goodfellas vibe from it. Even though I enjoy The Departed, I like Goodfellas better. Let's be honest: that's the movie Scorsese should have won for! I will say this is my favorite collaboration between Marty and Leo. Well, it's a toss up between this and The Wolf of Wall Street. I'm not too high on Gangs of New York or The Aviator or Shutter Island. 

Slight spoiler warning alert! I feel like this information is probably known to everyone because it starts pretty early in the movie, but you never can be too careful! 

The movie takes place in Boston where Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon) has become a detective for the Massachusetts State Police. However, he is actually a mole to gather information who has been trained and groomed by Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson), an Irish mob boss who has been like a father figure to Sullivan ever since he was a young boy. In fact, when I saw the young boy they cast as him, I knew instantly it was Matt Damon's character! They did a really job casting him. In fact, he even calls Costello "Dad" whenever he calls him on the phone right in front of the police captain, Queenan (Martin Sheen). "Hi, Dad, I can't make it to dinner, but my friends are still coming!" Seriously, how did they not figure out what that's code for when he was saying that right in front of them?

Meanwhile, while there's a rat in the police unit, Captain Queenan and Sergeant Dignam (Mark Wahlberg) have placed undercover cop William Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) to infiltrate Costello's mob group. He has just graduated from the police academy and nobody knows who he is except for one person (and I'll get to that later). Their plan for Costigan is to have him get arrested for assault, spend some time in jail, then get in with Costello's group. That way at least it will look authentic he's a hood rat. Queenan and Dignam are the only two people who know that Costigan is working undercover.

After a major transaction of microprocessors (whatever the heck this is) goes wrong, Sullivan and Costigan are well aware there are rats on the other side and warn their respective leaders of them. While Sullivan is on police duty watching this transaction go down through surveillance with the other officers, he reaches into his coat pocket and we see him text a message to Costello, with one hand, mind you, and keeping his phone in his pocket, "No phones". Okay, this is 2006, so he's doing this with a flip phone and he's obviously memorized which buttons to push and how many times to push the up/down arrow to get to his contacts, then how many down to click on Costello's name and which buttons to push to write "No phones", but....if I did that, I would probably end up sending it to the wrong person....if I even got to contacts and the message would probably read "77 74843" or whatever numbers correlate with those letters! Obviously, he probably practiced doing that until he got it right, but I was pretty impressed he could do that. So he warns Costello to shut off the phones and everyone is like, "They turned their phones off!" However, there's one person who has kept his phone on and Costigan has texted Queenan a simple "$" to let him know the buyers are there. So that's how the two infiltrators are aware of each other. They just don't know who they are. 

For a movie without any adolescent girls or hardly any female characters for that matter, there's a lot of period talk. It's really gross. Well, it's really gross and skeevy in one scene, and in the other scene, it's still gross, but it's also funny. In the opening scene, when we're introduced to Costello and see him talking to a young Colin, he asks the girl who's working behind the counter, "Have you gotten your period yet?" First of all, ewwwwwww. Second of all, the girls is clearly at least sixteen. Of course she's gotten her period. Don't be an idiot, Frank. During this whole monologue we're getting from Costello, they keep him hidden in the shadows and I thought they were doing this because it takes place in the past and they didn't want us to see Nicholson's face cuz he needs to be young, but at the very end of his speech, we see him step out of the shadows and see his face.  In the other scene where periods come up, Costigan is at a bar where Costello's guys hang out and he orders a cranberry juice. One of the guys tells him that's what his girlfriend drinks when she's on her period and asks Costigan if he's on his period and in response gets a shot glass smashed on his head.

Speaking of women, police psychologist, Madalyn (Vera Farmiga) is the only one of note, and thank God, we don't have to hear about her menstruation cycle. She strikes up a relationship with Sullivan and they start dating. Their meet cute is super annoying. They're both on an elevator with several other people and Sullivan strikes up a conversation with her. When the elevator opens, it's her floor, and she gets off, but Sullivan, who tells her he's up one more floor, stays on the elevator, but keeps his body against the door to keep the elevator from closing and is still talking to her for several minutes, eventually getting her card. And there are other people still on the elevator waiting while these two are shamelessly flirting with each other! I'm surprised nobody got pissed at them! They're all just standing there, nonplussed. I would be so annoyed! It's like, why don't you get off the damn elevator and get her information and then just take the damn stairs up one flight when you're done! UGH! I did laugh when she gives him his card and he says, "I don't need it...I'm a detective, I'll find you" and she starts to take it back, but he snatches it and tells her, "I do need it." That was pretty cute. 

So they start dating, but guess who Madalyn has an affair with? Costigan, of all people! What a small world! Later in the movie, Sullivan will get a whiff of this information and Madalyn will tell Sullivan they're having a baby, but I have to wonder, as I did, if he suspects that it's not his as he has some, ahem, problems in the bedroom. 

When Queenan tells Sullivan to follow Costello because he believes that will lead them to the rat inside the police unit, a lightbulb goes off over Sullivan's head and he tells two officers to put a tail on Queenan, telling them he suspects Queenan might be the mole. It's actually a brilliant idea, it's just too bad the bad guys thought of it first! The two officers track Queenan to an abandoned warehouse where, indeed, Queenan is meeting with the infiltrator. Sullivan calls his guys and gives them the address and tells him they found the rat. When Queenan and Costigan found out they've been exposed, the former tells the latter to use the fire escape and that he'll be okay.

And now is a good time to go into MAJOR SPOILERS! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE AND DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED BECAUSE NOW I WILL BE GIVING AWAY HUGE PLOT POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!

Well, Queenan wasn't exactly telling the truth when he tells Costigan that he'll "be okay" because when Costigan walks outside and around a corner, Queenan's body literally goes splat on the pavement in front of him from being thrown out the window. Oh my God! They killed President Bartlett! This is the first of many, many characters to become departed, hence the title. Costigan starts crying and freaking out and I'm thinking, Run, Leo, get the hell outta there! But when someone comes out of the building and asks him what took him long, I remembered that he was supposed to meet there in the first place. HOWEVER....in the next scene, the guy who texted Costigan tells him he gave him the wrong address and finds it curious that he showed up. Lucky for Costigan, this guy got into a shootout with the other policemen who followed Queenan and literally dies a few second later, so his secret is taken to the grave. I mean, how convenient is that?

There's a great scene where Sullivan dials the last number Queenan dialed on his phone and Costigan is smart enough not to say anything when he answers it. Both of them are just holding their phones to their ears, waiting to see if anyone will talk first, but no one does. When they hang up, Costigan starts packing, but then calls the number back and says, "You called this number on a dead man's phone. Who are you?" Sullivan tells him who he is and that he's taking over Queenan's division. Costigan wants to confer this piece of information with Dignam, but he took a leave of absence (or rather quit because he was furious that Sullivan got Queenan killed by putting a tail on him). I don't know why he just didn't call Dignam to ask him unless he didn't have his home phone number? :::shrug:::

In another turn of events, Sullivan finds out, from going through Queenan's notes, that Frank Costello is an FBI informant. What the huh? I wasn't exactly clear who all knew that information. Queenan for sure and probably Dignam. But did Costello know that Costigan was working for the FBI too? This whole reveal really confused me. Maybe I'm just stupid, who knows! Sullivan is worried that Costello is going to rat him out, so he kills him when the police bust him and his gang for some drug thing. Costello has one of those movie deaths where he's shot in the chest and spits up blood, but psych! He's not dead yet! It takes another shot to kill him and Sullivan is hailed as a hero, so I'm guessing nobody there knew about Frank's secret. 

There's a scene where Costigan gives Madalyn an envelope and instructs her to open it if something happens to him or he tells her to and that she's the only person he trusts. Remember this piece of information. Speaking of envelopes, there's another one that's an integral part of the story. When Costello finds out there's a rat among his crew, he makes everyone fill out a form with their name, address, social security number, etc. so he can check out everyone. All of these papers will be in an envelope with CITIZENS (actually it will be written twice because the first guy who wrote it spelled it wrong) scrawled across it. Everyone is supposed to stay in the bar where they're filling out until they've all been checked, but Costigan says he's not staying, so that's a huge sign that he's the rat! Though I don't blame him that he wants to leave...if he stays, he's dead.

So this envelope with "Citizens" will come up later when Costigan sees it sitting on Sullivan's desk when he goes to get his pay and that's when he knows that Sullivan is a mole within the Force. He also knows that Sullivan knows he was the rat within the mob. He leaves without telling Sullivan, but he doesn't tell Dignam, who is, remember, the only living person who knows the truth about him. Instead he gets Sullivan to meet him at the building where Queenan was killed, baiting him by saying Costello told him he has recorded all his conversations for insurance and if they are released, Sullivan will be revealed. Costigan also called Anthony Anderson, the one person who was also in the same academy as Costigan and knows who he is. Costigan thinks he can get him to trust him, but it doesn't quite work out that way. I still don't understand why he didn't call Dignam! 

Costigan takes the elevator down with his gun pointed at Sullivan's head, but when the door opens, we see someone shoot Costigan in the head, and then when Anthony Anderson comes down the other elevator and sees Costigan dead on the floor and two of his fellow officers, he doesn't quite know what's going on. The guys shoots him too. This is someone we've seen in the background, but not a major character. He tells Sullivan that he wasn't the only one working for Costello and they have to look out for each other. When Sullivan gets the chance, he kills him. 

Not long after, Sullivan will come home to his apartment to see Dignam there with a gun and he kills him. You may have never noticed this if you've only seen the movie once, or maybe you didn't even notice on a second time, but next time you watch this movie, be on the lookout for X's when a character dies or is about to die. When Sullivan is walking down the hall to his door, the carpet in the hallway has large X's (super tacky if you ask me), when Costigan and Sullivan are in the elevator, you see an X created with duct tape about Costigan's head, and when poor Queenan falls out of the building, he pasts several windows with tape making an X. 

Remember that envelope Costigan gave Madalyn to open if anything happened to him? We never see it again. The last we see of Madalyn is her at his funeral, crying. I guess they thought it was unnecessary since we already knew what would be in that envelope, but it just seemed weird to bring up if they're not going back to it.

The movie ends with a shot of a rat on the balcony railing which made me groan for two reasons. One, this is an extremely nice apartment complex in Boston and now there are rats balconies? No, I don't buy it. (And I literally wouldn't buy the apartment if it had rats!) Two, it was a little too on the nose.