Showing posts with label Ed Harris. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ed Harris. Show all posts

Saturday, May 7, 2022

Wickedly Cool Stepmother

Stepmom
Director: Chris Colombus
Cast: Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Ed Harris, Jena Malone, Liam Aiken
Released: December 25, 1998


This might be my favorite late-'90s Julia Roberts movie. It certainly isn't Notting Hill or Runaway Bride because those movies made me want to tear my hair out. My Best Friend's Wedding isn't as bad as those two, but still managed to drive me crazy. It's been a very long time since I've seen Stepmom and honestly, I thought I was going to hate it, but actually really quite liked it. The only things I remembered about it was the "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" dance scene and that the ending was very sad. Oh, and just in case you've never seen this, there will be spoilers).

Jackie (Susan Sarandon) and Luke (Ed Harris) are parents to twelve-year-old Anna (Jena Malone) and seven-year-old Ben (Liam Aiken). They are now divorced (probably a couple years now) and Luke has been dating Isabel (Julia Roberts) for a year and she moved in with him in his Manhattan loft and has been living with him for a month. Oh, yeah, everyone is really rich in this movie. Luke is a lawyer, Isabel is a photographer and shoots photo spreads and ads for well-known fashion magazines, and while Jackie doesn't work anymore, she used to work at Random House and lives in this huge Victorian house with a wraparound porch that's by a lake. This house is ridiculously gorgeous and amazing and I would love to live in it! I guess there's plenty of other problems for the characters in this movie to have, but financial problems won't be one of them! 

When the movie starts, I thought Isabel was already their stepmom because the kids are at the loft and she's trying to get them up and ready for school. Luke isn't there (it's implied he works a lot and that's one of the reasons why he and Jackie got divorced) and Isabel isn't having much luck with the kids. Ben, who is an aspiring magician, is hiding from her (he seems to do this a lot)  and Anna is ticked at her because it's "purple shirt day" at school and Isabel forgot to wash her purple shirt. Isabel makes up some bs excuse of how she didn't forget, she was up all night thinking that Anna shouldn't wear the same color as everyone else and gives her a red shirt to wear instead. 

When Isabel starts making breakfast for them, she opens one of the cabinets and that's when she (and the audience) discover that Ben was hiding in there. Um, no. There is no way that child could fit in the cupboard. Especially when we see not only is there a divider, but both shelves are stocked full of boxes and cans of food. Heh, I'm not the only one to complain about this. This is also mentioned in the "goofs" section of its IMDb page. 

Jackie arrives to pick them up and the kids are overjoyed to see her. She tells Isabel, "I'll handle it from here." Clearly, she thinks Isabel can't take care of her children. 

So, yes, Isabel is not their stepmom at the beginning of the movie; in fact, while Luke does propose to her, she never becomes their stepmom during the duration of the movie (which starts in September or October and ends at Christmas; I'm guessing they had a spring or summer wedding). When Jackie and Luke are having a meeting with Anna's school counselor (or maybe it was just her teacher), we get exposition about the relationship between Luke and Isabel. Anna's parents have been called for a conference because apparently she told the school her parents were getting remarried and the family was moving to Switzerland. The teacher/counselor tells Anna's parents that Anna seems "apathetic toward her work knowing she's leaving before this semester." Jackie and Luke are quick to tell her that is absolutely not true and when the counselor/teacher asks them could there be anything going on at home for Anna to make up this stuff, this is when we find out about the living arrangement with Luke and Isabel. Jackie says she's half his age, but Luke says she's not. Clearly, she is younger than him, but we are never given the ages of the adult characters, so I can't verify if she is indeed half his age. However, if we're never given an age for a character, I always just assume they're the same age as the actor playing them. Ed Harris is seventeen years older than Julia Roberts, so Jackie is pretty much right that she is half his age. Unless, of course Ed Harris is supposed to be playing younger and Julia Roberts is supposed to be playing older. The counselor/teacher thinks Anna may be responding to the "underlying hostility" between her mother and Isabel. 

During a scene between Luke and Isabel at their loft, things are a bit tense because he's going to Pittsburgh for work and tells her he'll call a baby-sitter because he doesn't "expect [her] to handle [the kids herself]." Um, why can't the kids just stay with their mom? I don't understand why Luke would go to the trouble of getting a baby-sitter for the weekend instead of just asking Jackie to take care of them. Of course, the film's plot needs Isabel to watch them, so they can't have the kids stay with their mom. If they had put in a throwaway line about Jackie being busy that weekend, that would have helped a lot. Isabel tells him he means that he doesn't think she can handle them herself. She asks him to give her a chance to watch the kids, so he agrees.

While they're having this conversation, the phone rings three times and Isabel answers each time, but nobody replies. It's actually Anna on the other end and she's clearly pissed every time Isabel answers. I don't know why she just doesn't ask her to speak to her dad; she knows that Isabel lives there so it shouldn't be that surprising Isabel is answering the phone. By the third time Isabel answers the phone and doesn't get a reply, she says, "What is your problem, a$$h@le?" and Anna (finally) replies, "YOU are my problem!" (I thought she was going to call Isabel an a-hole, too, but she doesn't.) I don't know what possessed Isabel to answer the phone like that. Okay, I get things were already a little tense between her and Luke and she was annoyed that nobody was answering the phone, but why not tell Luke to answer the phone the third time it rings? Did it even occur to her that it might be one of his kids calling? She already knows they're not crazy about her so it makes sense they would be petty and not want to talk to her when she answers the phone. 

When she takes care of the kids, Luke, the aspiring magician, is making a "magic potion" that he put a spell on and whoever drinks it will go to sleep for one thousand years. It's just hot cocoa and he brings it over to Anna who's working on her drawings (if Luke is an aspiring magician, Anna is an aspiring artist) and she threatens if he spills it on her stuff, she'll put him to sleep for a thousand years. I kept waiting for the cocoa to spill and the siblings to get into a huge fight, but it never happens. 

Isabel comes into the room and tells them she has a surprise for them and has them sit on the couch with their eyes closed. She presents them with an adorable golden retriever puppy. Ben is thrilled, but the first thing Anna tells her is she's allergic to dogs. Isabel tells her that her dad didn't say anything about it (so it sounds like she got permission from their father to get them a dog) and Anna replies that he probably doesn't know she's allergic because he's never around. I'm sorry, this is such bs. I think her dad would know if she's allergic to anything. He may be busy with work, but he still spends time with his kids and would know details like that. Also, we'll later see Anna cuddling with the puppy. She's just saying this because she wants to hurt Isabel and is being a brat. She continue being a brat when Isabel tells them they should give the puppy a name and Anna suggests "Isabel" because she smells like her and, as she tells Isabel, "And I'm allergic to you, too. It fits perfectly." She goes to her room and Isabel follows her and tells her she would really like it if they could get along and Anna tells her she doesn't have to listen to her because "you're not my mother", to which Isabel replies, "Thank God for that!" When she realizes she's hurt Anna's feelings, she tells her, "What I meant to say is you have a great mom. You don't need another one." Heh, nice "save", Isabel. She adds that she would like to be treated with some respect when Anna is in this house. Anna tells her this is her dad's house, but Isabel is quick to remind her that this is her home too. Anna tells her to get out of her room, so she does and this is when we see Anna pick up the puppy who's come over to her door and she cuddles with it for the rest of the night. One thing I like about this movie is that the relationship between Isabel and her boyfriend's/fiancĂ©'s kids (especially Anna) is very realistic. It makes sense why these kids don't like her because they want their parents to get back together and they resent Isabel very much. 

Isabel reads to Ben who tells her to drink the cocoa because he made it specifically for her. She starts to get very sleepy and eventually falls asleep in the middle of reading. I thought Ben would think his magic potion worked, you know, since he said it would put anyone who drank it asleep for a thousand years, but instead he tells Anna that he killed her. It was all just very odd. 

The next morning, Isabel is late arriving with the kids late to Jackie's (amazingly ridiculously gorgeous) house. Jackie is mad because it's 7:23 and Isabel and the kids were supposed to be there at 6:30 because Anna had a riding lesson. (Ugh, who would want to have a riding lesson that early? I used to take take horseback riding lessons and they were seven in the evening!) Isabel tells her that it's Monday and Annas's riding lessons are on Tuesday, but Jackie corrects her and says, "Except for the third Tuesday of the month, which switches to Monday." Okay, that sounds way complicated! Also, wouldn't Anna know this and remind Isabel? Unless, she specifically didn't tell her to sabotage her which is I'm guessing what happened. Isabel asks for a cup of coffee and Jackie says she doesn't have any. She must be the only adult in the country not to have coffee in her house! Though, granted, I don't keep coffee in my apartment. (What's the point when both Starbucks and Scooters are less than five minutes from where you live?) 

You can tell there's already tension between Isabel and Anna because when the kids go upstairs to get ready for school, Anna is glaring at her. I thought she was still mad at Isabel about the previous night, but when Jackie asks her what happened, Isabel tells her that Anna saw her and Luke in the shower that morning when she "sort of walked in without even knocking." Who goes into a bathroom without knocking when the door is closed? And didn't Anna hear the shower running? I completely blame this on Anna...she's old enough to know better. Jackie wants to know if either her or Luke talked to Anna about it afterwards and Isabel tells her no, that she thought it would be uncomfortable for her and Jackie responds, "You mean for you." Uh, if I were Anna, I wouldn't want anyone to bring up me walking in on my dad with his girlfriend in the shower. No, I don't need to have a "conversation" about that; I'd rather just pretend it never happened! 

The two women start arguing and Jackie tells Isabel she could never be a mother because she is so self-involved and Isabel tells her maybe the problem is Anna and that "she is a spoiled, wiseass little brat." Look, I don't disagree with Isabel, but maybe not the best thing to say to the girl's mother. Of course, this pisses off Jackie and she tells Isabel to get out of her house. 

The next Saturday afternoon, both the kids are with Isabel in Central Park at a professional photo shoot because both their parents are busy. Isabel is shooting a woman with a long blonde braid wig (she is supposed to be Rapunzel) at Belvedere Castle in Central Park (I've been to Central Park and had no idea there was a "castle" there!). A guy in rock climbing gear is climbing up the castle wall, using her braid. I have no idea what product they're selling here. Rock climbing paraphernalia? I had to laugh when Ben tells his sister, "Wouldn't it be cool if her hair came out of her armpit?" That just seems like something a little boy would find "cool". Anna had the same reaction as I did; she looks disgusted and replies, "Sick." 

The kids start whining to Isabel that they're hungry. Apparently, they've been there for five hours! Good Lord, that is a long time! Isabel tosses Luke her coin purse and tells the kids to get some ice cream. We see time has elapsed and Anna has fallen asleep after eating her ice cream. Ben isn't with her and Isabel wakes Anna up, asking where he is. Anna doesn't know and a panicked Isabel starts screaming his name. (That has to be a terrifying situation to be in; my mind would go straight to the worst possible scenario). Anna thinks he may have been kidnapped (apparently, her mind also goes straight to the worst possible scenario), but Isabel assures her (but let's face its, she's trying to assure herself, mostly) that isn't the case; that "he's just hiding."

We never see Ben get found; but she must have called the police and they must have told them a police officer found him because Isabel and Ben's parents come rushing to the police station where he is sitting with some officers, showing them a magic trick. The police tell them they found him at the zoo. Isabel apologizes to Jackie, but she ignores her and tells Luke, "That woman is to have nothing more to do with my children" and Luke corrects her and says, "Our children." Jackie tells both of them she's getting a court order and that Isabel "will never be with these children alone again." I understand why she's so upset, but she's being a tad overdramatic. She must think the same thing because later, when Luke asks her not to go through with it, she tells him she's going to give him one last chance.

Soon after, Jackie is late picking up the kids from school. So late, in fact, that the school calls Isabel's place of work and ask if she can pick them up. The kids can't believe their mom forgot about them. Ben tells Isabel that's something she would do and Isabel tells them that's exactly what happened. She makes up a story about how their mom had to help a friend with an emergency and called to ask her to pick up the kids. Isabel says she got caught up at work and just forgot. At this moment, we see Jackie walk in and take the kids home. She looks at Isabel, but doesn't tell her thank you or anything. She and the kids just walk out of the school. 

Later, Jackie asks Isabel if she can watch the kids Saturday afternoon because she has an appointment. This appointment is a doctor's appointment and Jackie finds out she has cancer. She is meeting Luke at a restaurant and he tells her he has news too, so she tells him to go first. Clearly, she is procrastinating in telling him the news! Luke's news isn't too surprising. He tells Jackie he's going to ask Isabel to marry him and he wants her to be okay with it for the kids' sake. He knows if Jackie will be okay with it, so will the kids. When he asks what her news is, she says it was nothing and that they "have quite enough to deal with" just with his news. Yep, totally avoiding telling him! 

We see the proposal scene, then soon after we get a scene where Luke and Jackie tell the kids the news and they are not happy. (Interesting that it was Luke and Jackie telling them, and not Luke and Isabel, but I think this way does make more sense). Jackie tells her kids that Isabel isn't going to take her place as their mom (eh, that's debatable!) and Luke says, "Isabel's going to be in your life and hopefully you can learn to accept her." Jackie comforts her crying daughter, who really thought her parents would get back together (even though she is too old to think that would happen) and tells her life is unfair and full of hard choices, but she has a choice: "You can either take the hard things and make your life better or you can make it worse." She tells her to see the good side of Isabel and what she brings to her dad's life and to hers. This is showing real character growth for Jackie. 

So that is exactly what Anna does. Halloween soon rolls around and Ben is dressed as a wizard (or maybe he's dressed as a magician dressed as a wizard?) and Anna is dressed as Elvis. (Isn't sixth grade a little too old to still be trick-or-treating?) It is still broad daylight when they're trick or treating, so they must be doing this around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I looked up to see what day Halloween was on in 1998 and it was on a Saturday, so they didn't have to worry about school, so they could have easily gone in the evening. This seems so weird to me...usually when kids trick or treat, it's already dark. I understand that they probably did it this way because it's probably more convenient to film during the day. Anna tells her mom she's been thinking about what she said about Isabel and to see the "good side" of her. Perhaps she took her mother's advice a little too well because she goes on about how Isabel knows all about "clothes and stuff" and that she knows "every rock 'n' roll song ever written" and she knows all the "cool junk food places to eat." She concludes with, "Once you get to know her, she's kinda cool." I can see a twelve-year-old girl being into a young, cool stepmom type who knows about clothes and junk food. The rock 'n' roll music? Eh, young kids wouldn't care about that. Now if Isabel knew about current music, then she would definitely be in with Anna. She tells her mom not to tell Isabel what she told her. Oh, Anna, I don't think you have to worry about that! 

Turns out Jackie is starting to feel a little insecure (and we get many instances of this) that when Anna drops the kids off at her house after picking them up from school, Jackie, right in front of Isabel, tells Anna that they are going to the Pearl Jam concert that night. After an excited Anna tells her mom she's the coolest and goes to get ready, Jackie tells Isabel, "That was a great idea, thanks." This is a low blow because Isabel had asked Jackie if she could take Anna to this concert and when Jackie found out it was on a Thursday night, she said absolutely not, she's too young for that. (I think she would've come up with an excuse not to let Isabel take her if it was on weekend night). I guess Jackie wasn't worried about it being on a school night; she just wanted her daughter to think she was the cool one. 

Jackie has started undergoing chemotherapy and she still hasn't told anyone about her illness. At Anna's soccer game, Isabel asks Jackie if she's feeling all right and says she looks a "little tired." Jackie tells her, "I hate when people say that. It's a polite way of telling you look like sh*t." Yes! This annoys me too! Especially if you're not tired when people tell you that! Luckily (er, maybe that's not the right word) I always AM tired so when people tell me that, it's usually because I am! Isabel tells her she's noticed she's been busy lately and asks her if she's seeing anyone. Jackie tells her she's been spending some time with her old boss and "trying to decide whether or not [she's] going back to Random House."

Jackie starts her chemotherapy treatment and isn't doing to well. She calls Isabel to tell her she got a call from Random House and they want her to come in that afternoon to meet with the editor. She won't be back in time to pick up Ben at a birthday party and asks Isabel if she get him and Isabel tells her she can. 

For some reason, when Isabel is driving down the highway, she has the window open.... even though it's November. And they're in New York. There's absolutely no reason why she should have the window rolled down, but they need to have her lose the piece of paper with the address she wrote down on it. She's holding it while she's also looking at the map and while she's messing with the map, the little piece of paper flies out the window. I also thought she was going to lose the map, but she doesn't. They need this to happen so she can call Random House to ask Jackie for the address, but only for her to find out that Jackie, in fact, is NOT there and the woman tells her she hasn't seen Jackie since she left Random House eleven years ago.

After Isabel drops Ben off at Jackie's (extremely exquisite) house (guess she was able to pick him up without the address!), Jackie goes inside with him, talking about the party and Isabel starts going through Jackie's mail which she had brought outside with her in a little sitting area in the yard while she waited for Ben to come home. While Isabel is rifling through it (shame, shame!), she finds someone from Random House has typed her a note that says, "Can't wait to see you here. I know you're anxious, but it's going to be wonderful. Everything will work out perfectly." She also finds round trip airline tickets to Los Angeles. She puts the mail back before Jackie returns, but quickly confronts her and tells her she knows her secret. There's a moment of surprise that passes over Jackie's face and she's probably wondering how Isabel knows she has cancer, but in the same breath, Isabel tells her she saw the note and the airline tickets and that she knows she's not working at Random House in New York. She accuses Jackie of taking the kids and moving to L.A. At this point, I'm confused because while I don't know why she's going to L.A., I know she's not moving across the country for a new job. I get even more confused when Jackie pretty much confirms Isabel's suspicions when she tells her she thought she would have loved this because "you lose the witch and her two little brats in one swoop. Simplifies everything. You get your life back." The two argue back and forth: Isabel tells her there's plenty of publishing houses in New York she can get a job at and Jackie tells her it's called "bi-coastal parenting" and that Luke will get the kids every other holiday and one month in the summer and adds, "It's not ideal, but it works." Gee, that sounds awful! I'm not sure what their arrangement is now, but it seems like the kids are with their mom during the week and their dad on weekends, and while I don't know how far away their parents live from each other, it's sure a hell of a lot closer than flying across the entire country! I've flown across only half the country and that felt long to me! Isabel tells her she can't take Luke's kids away from him; that "We can't live like that!" Jackie questions the "we" and tells her it's not her problem and that Luke should talk to her (Jackie). Isabel disagrees and tells her she's going to marry Luke and they're going to share their life together. As she tells Jackie, "His kids are everything to him and he would be devastated not to be near them." 

So after all this, Jackie tells her she's wrong about everything and explains a colleague of hers wrote the note. This colleague now lives in L.A. and Jackie will be staying with her while she gets protein injections that were recommended by her oncologist and you can only get them in L.A. Needless to say, Isabel is shocked to learn that Jackie has cancer and asks her if she's dying and Jackie replies, "Not today."  

Can we go back to that note for one second? The one that Jackie's colleague wrote to her that said, "Everything will work out perfectly." This seems very weird to write to someone who has cancer. (I'm assuming the friend knew why she was coming to L.A.) Why would you tell someone who has cancer that "Everything will work out perfectly."? (Spoiler alert: it doesn't). That seems a little...presumptuous to assume that. 

Now that Isabel knows about Jackie's cancer, she really has no choice but to tell Luke and together, they tell the kids. Anna is angry that her mom never told her about it until now even though she's known about it for a long time. Luke defends her and says she wanted to "wait until the right time" and Jackie tells them she didn't want to scare them and wanted to wait until her sickness was "smaller." Anna says that Isabel should be with them because it's Thursday and that's her day to pick them up. Ben says he'd rather be with his mom and Anna (quite harshly) tells him their mom is dying and Isabel is their new mom now (not quite yet, Anna, hold your horses!) She accuses her mother of lying to her and how she can never trust her again. When she runs upstairs, her dad tells her, "You do not run out on your mother!", she stops, turns around, looks back at him, and replies, "No, that's your job." Ooh, harsh burn! I audibly gasped when she said that. 

So later that evening, after Anna has had time to process everything and after Luke has left, we get the scene where Jackie dances and lip synchs to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" with her kids. Like I mentioned earlier, this is the only scene from the movie I remembered. 


During the kids' school's Thanksgiving pageant (it's kinda weird that Anna and Ben attend the same school since he's in elementary school and she should be in middle school, though technically I guess sixth grade (I'm pretty sure that's the grade she was in) could still be elementary school, but by 1998, that seemed kind of passĂ©), Isabel tells Jackie that Anna's been "going out" with the "class heartthrob", Brad, for two weeks. For the record, Brad looks like a low-rent Devon Sawa. Very low-rent Devon Sawa. That day, during lunch, he publicly announced he was breaking up with her. Isabel knows all this because Anna told her when she picked her up from school that afternoon. She also told Isabel she cried in the bathroom (aw, poor thing) and she didn't tell her mom because she didn't want her making a big deal out of it. Isabel is telling Jackie all of this because Anna asked Isabel what she should do and Isabel told her she should talk to her mom and gives notice to Jackie that Anna's going to ask her tomorrow so she should be ready. 

The next day is Thanksgiving and as Jackie and Anna are setting the table, Anna tells her mom what she told Isabel yesterday and the reason Brad is breaking up with her is because she didn't let him kiss her with her mouth open (and before you ask, yes, Jackie did ask her if she let him kiss her with her mouth closed and Anna just gives her mom a look) and apparently Brad told his little minion friends this because every time they saw her, they would call her names like "Ice Princess." Hell, I would embrace a name like that. Makes you sound cool like you're Daenerys Targaryen. She says she retaliates and calls Brad names like "fart face" and Jackie's advice for her is that she should just ignore him. Since all he wants is the attention and once he doesn't get it, "he might try a little harder, but then he'll get frustrated and give up." Anna asks her mom if she thinks that's what Isabel would do and slightly throws shades at her mother when she tells her, "She's younger. Maybe she remembers how to do this." Hmm, I think Anna wanted Isabel's advice on this all along. To be fair, she DID ask for Isabel's advice and she was the one who told Anna to talk to her mom. 

So a few day later, when Isabel picks up the kids from school (she's late because she was working), she sees they're the only ones waiting outside and Anna is crying. After Isabel tells Ben to wait in the car, she asks Anna what happened and she tells her that her mom told her to ignore Brad, which she did, and he called her "Frosty the Snow Bitch" (remember, Christmas is right around the corner) in front of everyone. This kid really needs to be smacked. Preferably twice. Isabel says she has an idea, but Anna snivels and tells her no thanks, that she doesn't need advice from a stepmother (again, she's technically not their stepmother yet). Isabel says she has a choice: cry about it or do something about it. Anna chooses the latter and they go to a diner where Isabel hatches her plan: Monday after school she'll walk up to Brad "with attitude" and tell him "I'm not going to waste my time with some loser who doesn't even know what snowblowing is." Anna interrupts her to ask her what that means and she tells her, "It's a disgusting and not even remotely sexy thing" she once heard described in a movie she'd never take her to. My first thought was, is this movie Nine and a Half Weeks or Basic Instinct? I've never seen either of them but I know they're highly sexual, but I'm guessing she's talking about a fictional movie. Actually, I lied. That was not my first thought. I also wondered what snowblowing is and I don't know if this is a real thing and to be honest, I'm too scared to look it up on urban dictionary because if it is a real thing (which wouldn't surprise me), I am sure Isabel is telling the truth when she says its "disgusting" and frankly, I would rather not know! Please, let me remain in my ignorant bliss. Even if it wasn't something in 1998, I'm sure it became something (and this movie can take credit for it....but, uh, that's probably not something to be proud of!) 

Isabel continues and tells her after she says that, Anna will walk away, whip back around and say, "The guy I see is in high school and he laughs his ass off whenever we talk about you." She adds that there will be a "suitable boy" with "a very expensive bike" (she's talking about a moped, not a bicycle, for the record). "Suitable boy" makes me laugh because it makes it sound like she's going to find an average-looking boy, at best. Isabel does clear things up when she tells Anna, "He will be a stone fox, even if I have to call an escort service." Okay, eww, I hope she's joking because it is highly inappropriate (and some might even say illegal) to have a guy from an escort service flirt with a twelve-year-old girl. It's a good thing Jackie wasn't privy to this conversation! Also, consdering that Isabel is a fashion photographer, she has ample access to many good-looking (and hopefully age appropriate) male models to play the role of "Anna's new hot older boyfriend." 

So Monday afternoon rolls around and Isabel is standing by her car pretty much spying on Anna and Brad and everything that goes down between them. We know she's not even supposed to be there to pick up the kids because she's surprised when Jackie shows up and asks her what she's doing there and Jackie tells her she's there to pick up her kids. (Duh, Isabel!) So they're both watching Anna performing the skit that Isabel thought up for her and after she tells off Brad, she walks over to the bike rack and hugs a good-looking young male mode and he kisses her (well, it's more like a peck on the cheek). I would say he was no older than sixteen so at least he looked age appropriate. Still a little weird that a high schooler would date a girl who attends elementary school (or even middle school, but considering both Anna and Ben were waiting for Isabel outside the school together makes me think they attend the same school, unless one of their schools is nearby and the other walked to this school to wait for Isabel together...but I think I'm giving way too much thought about this and both kids go to the same school, thus making Anna a sixth grader who attends elementary school and it's super weird that a good-looking high school boy (or any high schooler) for that matter would ever date someone in elementary school). The more I write about this, the more I understand why Jackie was so upset! 

All of Brad's friends are ribbing him, calling him a "loser" and he just looks like an idiot with his mouth hanging open. Yeah, he doesn't look so hot compared to that male model! Jackie asks Isabel, "Who is that? He looks familiar. He looks like that guy in his underwear for Calvin Klein." Isabel corrects her, "Fully dressed for Ralph Lauren." Ha! I wouldn't be surprised if Jackie was right and he was also in the CK ad. After the male model gives Anna another peck on the cheek, she runs up to Isabel and hugs her, exclaiming, "It worked! It worked!" She should have at least pretended to leave with the model, but Brad did leave first, so I guess he wouldn't have seen anything. 

Of course, Jackie wants to know what's going on, so Isabel has to tell her what happened and she and Jackie get into a fight about the advice Isabel gave Anna. Jackie is not happy about certain words Isabel told Anna to use and the fact that she lied about having a boyfriend. Yeah, but she only lied to her lame, jerky ex and his equally lame minions, so I don't think she should be getting upset about that. Isabel asks her what she has done and Jackie replies, "You have turned her into you" and Isabel tells her she is trying and the she has the children's "best interests at heart." 

After their fight, they meet later at a restaurant and Jackie admits she lost Ben in the grocery store a year ago. Isabel confesses that she feels inferior compared to Jackie about being a mother; that she will never live up to her. Jackie has the history with the kids. Isabel talks about the future with Anna's wedding. She'll be in a room with Anna helping her with her dress and telling her how beautiful she is and she fears that Anna will be thinking, "I wish my mom was here." Jackie tells her that her fear is that Anna WON'T be thinking that. Then she says, "The truth is, she doesn't have to choose. She can have us both. Love us both. She will be a better person because of me. And because of you." She says that she has their past and Isabel can have their future. Susan Sarandon is crying, Julia Roberts is crying, I'M crying! OMG, the tears are flowing everywhere! 

The last scene takes place on Christmas and everyone is celebrating at Jackie's (astonishingly enchanting) house. In an earlier scene, her doctor had told her the chemotherapy hadn't worked but there are other options available like treatment in Paris or Switzerland. Jackie tells her she wants to spend what time she has left at home with her family. We aren't given a time frame of how exactly how much time she has left, but I think it's pretty apparent that this will be her last Christmas and it's so sad! 

Isabel, Luke, and the kids are downstairs and Jackie is upstairs in her room where she has requested some time alone with each kid separately so they can open their present and essentially have a "good-bye" scene with her. I was confused at first and thought maybe she was too weak to come downstairs to spend Christmas with the rest of the family, but that isn't the case. She just wants to have some quality time alone with each of her kids, then she will come downstairs. 

Ben goes upstairs first and Jackie has made him a magician's cape that have pictures of them together patched onto it. Ben asks his mom if she's dying and is sad that he won't see her anymore. She tells him since he's a magician he should know the secret of "just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it's not there", alluding to she'll always be with him inside and his heart and that they can still meet inside his dreams. He says it's not the same thing, which he is right! Before he leaves, he asks her to make sure his dad knows how to double knot his sneakers the way she does for school in the morning. Jackie says she will and looks so sad. It's so sad because he knows she won't always be around to do that! 

Anna comes in with a cup of tea for her mom and opens her present: a quilt Jackie has made with pictures of them together. She tells her daughter, "It's like a scrapbook you can keep warm with." Things start to get real when Anna asks her mom if she's scared and Jackie replies that she was mostly scared for her (Anna), but isn't anymore because she knows she's going to be okay. This shows real growth of the relationship between her and Isabel. Mother and daughter have a nice heart to heart, then Anna tells her, "I don't want to say goodbye. I'm going to miss you so much!" Oh, God, and here come the waterworks again!


Everyone (including Jackie) is downstairs opening the other gifts and Isabel is taking pictures. There's an earlier montage in the movie where she was taking photos of Jackie with her kids - reading to them, riding horses, ice skating, so it's nice that they'll have these memories of their mom's last moments to look back on. Isabel has the kids sits on the couch with their parents and takes their photo. Then Jackie says, "Let's get one with the whole family. Isabel?" and invites her to sit on the couch with them and Isabel sets the timer on her camera and the movie ends. And I'm probably still crying! 

Oh, in case you were wondering, here is a picture of the house I keep raving about. It's located in Nyack, New York and it only costs a little over 3 million! Luke and Jackie must have been making really good money if they could afford that! I wish I could create that house on Sims 3 (yes, I still play Sims 3; I could care less about Sims 4!), but I majorly suck at building things so that will never happen! 

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Reality Check

The Truman Show
Director: Peter Weir
Cast: Jim Carrey, Ed Harris, Laura Linney, Noah Emmerich, Natascha McElhone, Holland Taylor, Paul Giamatti
Released: June 5, 1998

Oscar nominations:

Best Director - Peter Weir (lost to Steven Spielberg for Saving Private Ryan)
Best Supporting Actor - Ed Harris (lost to James Coburn for Affliction)
Best Original Screenplay - Andre Niccol (lost to Marc Norman and Tom Stoppard for Shakespeare in Love)



Spoilers!

The Truman Show is a movie that was ahead of its time. It's a reality show that's been following around one man since his birth, thirty years ago. Everyone is in on it except for Truman Burbank (Jim Carrey in one of his first more serious roles). Now reality TV did exist back in '98 when this movie was released (even though I never watched them, I remember The Real World and Road Rules were already established by this time), but the slew of reality TV as we know it didn't seem to really start until the early 2000s. You have your competitive reality shows like Survivor (2000), The Amazing Race (2001), Big Brother (2000), American Idol (2002), Project Runway (2004), Top Chef (2006) and you have your candid reality shows like The Hills (2006) and everyone's favorite (said nobody ever), Keeping Up With the Kardashians (2007 - hmmm, I could have sworn that's been on a lot longer...guess it just feels that way!) and a bunch of others. I have always preferred competitive to candid. Except for Big Brother, I watch or have watched the shows I listed. The Truman Show would be in the candid category and I have never understood the appeal of watching people in their real lives. I have tried to watch these kinds of shows before and THEY ARE BORING! My brother, God knows why, loved The Hills when it aired and was always talking about it so I decided to check it out, thinking I was missing something amazing. I watched the first two episodes before I decided I was out. It was one of the most boring and pointless things I had ever watched. 

Of course everyone on candid reality shows KNOW they are on a reality show and therefore manufacture drama for the show's benefit. They also haven't had their whole lives documented on TV like Truman. Like I said, everyone is in on the whole thing except for Truman himself. Everyone in the small town, also an island, he grew up in is an actor and has a role they each play. His "wife", Meryl (Laura Linney) is an actress named Hannah Gill. His "best friend" (who he's known since he was 7) is Marlon (Noah Emmerich...he plays the FBI agent in The Americans) is an actor named Louis Coltrane. Even his "parents" (Holland Taylor plays his "mother") aren't his real parents, but actors playing the Senior Burbanks. We don't know anything about his real parents, but that Truman was adopted for the purpose of this show, which was created by a man named Christof (Ed Harris).

I don't know how anyone can be so oblivious that they don't even realize that they have their own TV show documenting their life, 24 hours a day and it's shown all over the world. But the movie manages to make you believe he wouldn't have any idea, just like in Home Alone, where it's absolutely ridiculous that parents would forget to bring their kid with them on vacation, they set it up so you can buy the absurdity of the whole thing. For one thing, since everybody is an actor in the small "town" he lives in, everybody knows their place and roles. Truman may be a big star everywhere else in the world, but nobody here treats him as such. There have been a couple close calls where people have tried to tell him what's really going on, but they deal with those people pretty quickly. The biggest example is when an actress named Sylvia (Natascha McElhone) playing a character named Lauren that Truman has a crush on before he meets Meryl (or, more accurately, before Meryl literally falls into him) takes him to a private spot on the beach and tells him that her name is really Sylvia and that everybody knows everything he does and how everybody around him is pretending and that everything around him is a set. A man in a car comes up saying he's Lauren's father, but Sylvia claims she's never seen this man before in her life. Needless to say, Truman is confused and the man tells him she's been having "episodes" lately. He also tells him that they're moving to Fiji (random!) and Sylvia is obviously removed from the cast. Truman has never stopped thinking of Sylvia and is trying to find a way to get to Fiji to find her.

Another example of Truman having no idea his life is being recorded is that they make it so he never has any desire to leave the island he lives on. We see a flashback of when he was a young boy and his "father" was "washed out to sea" when they were on a boating trip. Christof did that not only to instill a fear of water into Truman, but to also see how he would cope with a parent's death at such a young age. Even when Truman decides he's going to Fiji, there are still signs warning him not to go. One is a literal sign when he visits the travel agency and there's a huge poster of a plane being struck by lightning and the caption is "IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU." That just made me chuckle because which travel agency, in their right mind, would have that kind of poster? The travel agent tells him that they're booked for over a month. Truman decides to get on a bus to Chicago, but the bus conveniently breaks down and they can't go anywhere. He then decides he and Meryl should travel somewhere and decides on a whim they should go to New Orleans, but whenever he tries to get out of his neighborhood, cars are blocking his way. He does mange to get out and even drives across the bridge, which he is afraid of. Once they are past it, there is a sign warning them of a forest fire, and then they have to turn back because there's been a leak at the plant.

Of course, we later learn that Christof has been controlling all of this. The island is not actually an island, but rather a large soundstage built inside a huge dome in Hollywood. The town he lives in is called Sea Haven and it's "enclosed in the largest studio ever constructed". They also say, that along with the Great Wall of China, it's one of two structures visible from space (though didn't they debunk that theory that you can see the Great Wall of China from space?). All the control rooms and many cameras and people who work behind the scenes, including Christof, are located in the moon structure.

And the most obvious part that Truman never notices he's being filmed is because they use small, hidden cameras everywhere...in jewelry of the cast members, in his car radio, and in small objects...one of my favorites was the camera in the electric pencil sharpener when he's at work. He's none the wiser that there are any cameras around.

After being unable to leave Sea Haven, Truman begins to grow very suspicious. He start to notice odd things...such as he always sees the same people walking around his block in the same order. Meryl always seems to be hawking some product (like cocoa) like she's on a commercial and Truman asks who she's talking to, but she denies she's talking to anyone. But, of course, she is advertising all the foods and clothes and everything else you can buy, because we later learn that the viewing public is able to order anything they see on "The Truman Show" from the catalogue! Truman starts to get more angrier and grabs her, thus making Meryl yell "Do something!" at one of the cameras. This confuses Truman even more and demands to know who she's talking to. This gets Meryl written out of the show and a new love interest will be introduced to Truman at his work.

The show decides to bring back Truman's "father" back from the "dead" to boost ratings. We see a bunch of the same people always watching the show: a man who's always in his bathtub, two old ladies, a whole diner of its employees and patrons watching from the little TV up in the corner, two policemen watching in their office, a few families watching, etc. Even Sylvia is watching from wherever she is now (something tells me she never actually moved to Fiji!) even though it's a little bit hypocritical for her to be watching since she's against the entire idea.

Truman begins to figure out what's going on and manages to escape through a tunnel he digs from the one place in his house where there isn't a camera view. Christof and the other producers (one of them is played by Paul Giamatti) freak out and they cut the feed for the first time in the show's existence as their star is missing. They have all the actors and crew members look for Truman on the large sound stage, but all of them come up empty-handed. They are all surprised when they find Truman on a boat in the large manmade "ocean" as he is afraid of the water. Christof orders them to turn on the boat camera and since he is able to control weather and water elements, he creates a huge storm, knowing that he will have no choice but to turn back. Truman is able to hold on and Christof orders the network producers to turn it up a notch. They hesitate, saying he could die in front of a live audience and Christof replies "He was born in front of a live audience."

Truman manages to make it through strong waves and  a large tidal wave. The storm finally recedes and he continues to sail on and hits a wall painted like the sea and sky. There is a set of stairs leading to the only exit out of this place. He has a conversation with Christof and it is made to look like his voice is coming from the sky, as he is talking to God. (It's not the most subtle scene!) Everyone watching cheers as they watch him exit his reality show existence. We never see anything of him once he goes through that door, but I guess that makes sense since the cameras have turned off on him. The movie ends with one of the cops asking the other, "What else is on?"

It's crazy to think this movie came out right before the reality show craze and we also didn't have all the social media and YouTube where people can post every detail of their lives for strangers to see. Of course, people on reality TV shows and on social media are AWARE they are sharing their lives with the entire world. I have no idea how Christof was never arrested for what he was doing! I guess everyone was so captivated by the life of Truman Burbank, that they didn't care. I would feel weird watching somebody who wasn't aware they were being filmed. That just seems so wrong.

The trailer of this movie gives away the premise of the whole movie and when the movie starts, it begins with interviews of Christof and a few of the actors talking about their roles on the show, so you, the audience, are already aware of what's going on. I have to wonder, though, if it would have been more effective if they hadn't given away the plot in the trailers and just started the movie with Truman and you weren't aware, just like him, that he was being filmed and his life was a show that was being shown to the world. It would be a great twist if we were discovering what was going on the same time as he was. I'm guessing they didn't do this because they were afraid people wouldn't see the movie if they didn't know what it was about. Although you would think having Jim Carrey as your star would help since this was during the time he was really popular. I would say this is my favorite Jim Carrey performance and movie. (Cuz it sure ain't Batman Forever!)

I was listening to a podcast about this movie and they were talking about how Peter Weir had considered putting cameras in theaters and having the audience see themselves on screen for a moment before cutting back to the movie. That would have freaked me out so much. I imagine they didn't do this for logistical reasons. That seems like it would be way too expensive to install camera in all those theaters, plus it would really only work on the first day of screenings as I'm sure word of mouth would happen and people would find out about it. It's a cool concept, but I can understand why it didn't happen. 

If you've never seen this one, I highly suggest you check it out. It will make you appreciate your privacy a lot more! Good morning and in case I don't see you for the rest of the day, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Godspeed, Goodspeed

The Rock
Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Sean Connery, Ed Harris, John Spencer, David Morse, Michael Biehn
Released: June 7, 1996

Oscar nominations:
Best Sound (lost to The English Patient)



I decided to complete the trifecta of Nicolas Cage R-rated action movies that all came out in the mid '90s with the one that started it all, and my personal favorite out of all of them, The Rock. Although it's been at least ten years since I've last seen it, I have seen it a handful of times and I still love it. It's a great popcorn movie. It is widely perceived by many people (including Bay himself) to be Michael Bay's best movie. It is certainly my favorite movie of his, but really, it's not that hard to choose. The only notable thing he had done prior to this movie was Bad Boys, then after this he did Armageddon, which was okay, then he did a lot of crap like The Island, Pearl Harbor, and the five or so Transformers sequels. I've only seen the first two Transformers movies and since the second was way worse than the first one, I assume they get get worse and worse. 

I feel like the real dream team of this movie are the producers, Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson. This was their last production together (they also produced other big movies such as Top Gun, Crimson Tide, and Beverly Hills Cop). Simpson died during the production of this movie and it is dedicated to him. 

Whenever I think Sean Connery, I don't think James Bond (not a James Bond fan anyhow), but rather this movie. Well, if I'm being honest, I probably think Sean Connery as a contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy, haha, but I don't know if that counts since it's not really him. I would say it's my favorite Connery film and maybe my favorite Cage movie, although I really do love National Treasure! It's a close call...but there are actually a lot of similarities between the two films. 

The movie begins with the villain (but not really), a disgruntled Marine, Frank Hummel (played by Ed Harris) and other Marines he's recruited to join his cause to take control of Alcatraz (aka The Rock!) and take about 100 tourists and put them in the cells as hostages. They have four rockets ready to go off with a poisionos gas. I didn't quite understand what exactly happened, but he was involved in a secret, illegal mission that went awry and many men died. He threatens to launch the missiles unless the government splits $100 million among the family members of the marines who died that day. He is also offering to pay the men who are helping him each a million dollars. He feels like their deaths should be compensated, which I understand, but he's not going the best way about it, though he thinks this way they will listen. The first glimpse we see that Hummel is not the one dimensional villain that he could be is when he and his men are about to take the group of tourists hostage and he goes up to a group of school kids and tells them to tell their teacher they need to go back to the bus.

James Womack (a pre-West Wing John Spencer) is the FBI Director who Hummel tells his plan to. He prepares a team of Navy SEALs (led by Kyle Reese himself, Michael Biehn). All he needs is someone who knows about this particular poisonous gas and how to diffuse the rockets and someone who can help get them into the prison without being detected by the Marines guarding it.

Stanley Goodspeed (Cage) is the scientists/chemical weapons specialist who works at the FBI Laboratory in D.C. We get some foreshadowing in the scene he is introduced in because the lab is delivered a suspicious package from Bosnia, so Goodspeed and another guy go into a protective chamber with their protective suits on to inspect it. There's a baby doll in the package and the other guy starts playing with it, and, of course, some kind of poisonous gas (the same that's in the missiles) is spewed from its mouth and alarms are going off. Goodspeed tells everyone, "I have some bad news and some really bad news." NOT the kind of thing you ever want to hear. They're trying to run the sprinkles, but there's some kind of malfunction. Um, why didn't you check to make everything was working before you opened something potentially dangerous? Who the hell is running this place? Anyway, we see that Goodspeed is calm under pressure when diffusing a bomb (which was inside the doll and he had four seconds to spare). We also see there's an an antidote if you are exposed to the poisonous gas which the guys on the outside of the chamber want them to take because the gas is eating their suits and will soon kill them if they are exposed to it. If they stick this needle with the antidote into their hearts, then they will be fine and can stop the bomb, but neither want to stick a needle into their heart. This will also come back later.

John Mason (Sean Connery) is the "former guest" as he puts it, of Alcatraz. He is said to be the only inmate of Alcatraz to escape. (I guess they're not counting the men from the movie Escape from Alcatraz as attempted escapes since there's no evidence they survived). He has been locked up the last 30 years and basically doesn't exist as there are no records on him. He has too many national security secrets that he dug up such as Roswell and who killed JFK and the government doesn't like that. But he is the only person who can lead them into Alcatraz, so they try to cut a deal with him. He tells them he wants to stay at a hotel and get a suit and haircut. Why he didn't think to include to ask for a visit from his daughter didn't make much sense because he goes through this whole charade just to get to her. It's exciting, don't get me wrong, but it seems like it would just be a lot more simpler for him to ask for this simple request and I don't see why they wouldn't grant it. So what he does is take a rope while he's showering....because showers have ropes hidden in them, apparently. He also calls room service to distract the other agents. Womack and Goodspeed are the only ones with him when he's getting his hair cut by the guy from Boston Common (how's that for a deep cut?, no pun intended!) on the balcony. He goes to shake hands with Womack to show his cooperation, but instead ties the rope around his hands and throws him over the balcony. Goodspeed attempts to call for help, but all the other agents are too busy stuffing their faces. Mason ties the rope around a chair and runs away. By this time the other agents have come out to help pull Womack up and Goodspeed (who will need, ahem, good speed in this scene) chases Mason driving a Humvee through the streets of San Fransisco in a yellow Ferrari. They are swerving to miss people; they are flying over hills; they are crashing into parked cars; Goodspeed runs over a bunch of parking meters with the coins falling out everywhere; Mason crashes into a truck carrying huge plastic jugs of water which roll all over into the street; he also pushes a trolley off the tracks and into a great big fall of fire. Goodspeed totally trashes the Ferrari and a guy on a motorbike comes up to him and says, "Dude, your Ferrari is totally f***ed!" and he responds with, "It's not mine! And neither is this!" and takes the bike from him. The whole thing was completely ridiculous but it's the reason why we love (or hate) Michael Bay. Goodspeed figures out Mason has a daughter and is going to see her. This whole thing could have been completely avoided!

They are finally able to get Mason back and now it's time to infiltrate Alcatraz! They go under water and through a tunnel system. They wanted Mason to give them the blue prints for the place, but he tells them they're in his head. There's a giant furnace with two flaming pendulums that Mason has memorized the timing to and must roll under to get inside and unlock a door to let the others in. Soon after that the SEALs come in contact with the Marines and Hummel tells them to stand down, but Kyle Reese says he cannot do that and someone accidentally steps on stones which fall and there's a big shootout and all the SEALs are killed and the non-important Marines who we haven't had any screen time of. Now Mason and Goodspeed are the only ones left alive who came along with the SEALs.

I couldn't help thinking how cool this movie would have been as a video game because at this point on, it almost kind of plays as one. When you select a character, you could choose between Mason or Goodspeed so you're either the old guy kicking ass or the scientist diffusing bombs. This would have been an awesome video game; they ride in mine carts for God's sake! And you can shoot at an air conditioning unit to land on a guy's head! Tell me that isn't asking to me made into a game! At this point it's the two of them going through the labyrinth of this abandoned prison, trying to find the missiles and diffuse them.

We find out that Hummel had no intention of ever launching the rockets and when one is launched, he is able to divert it into the ocean. This makes the other men angry and there's a big shoot out where Hummel is killed, but not before Goodspeed is able to get him to tell him where the last rocket is. This rocket is used to kill one of the bad marines when he follows Goodspeed up to the tower. In probably the most hilarious and simultaneously gruesome movie death scene, Goodspeed tells him he should like the song "Rocket Man" by Elton John because he is about to BECOME the rocket man and launches the rocket at him where he is thrown out the tower, then lands on a pole where he is impaled. Then in another scene, another guy is fighting with Goodspeed and he puts a ball of poisonous gas into the guy's mouth and his skin immediately starts bubbling and melting. Goodspeed must have been prepared because he has a needle of the antidote to inject his heart with.

I really love the relationship between Mason and Goodspeed. They first start out skeptical of each other, but when they have to work together, they grow some respect for each other. Each man saves the other man's life at one point when they are incapable of helping themselves. Mason gives Goodspeed some good advice and pep talks along the way and it's almost like a father/son relationship

The POTUS has ordered a strike on Alcatraz even though there are still innocent people there but he rather kill about 100 innocents than the 70 or 80,000 the missile with the poisonous gas would kill. Goodspeed tries to warn the oncoming jets with flares. One jet released a bomb, though it only lands on the back of the island and nobody is killed. However, when Womack calls Goodspeed to confirm his whereabouts, Goodspeed tells him that Mason was killed and that his body "vaporized." It's a very sweet moment and made me go "awww". In turn as a thanks, Mason tells him where he can find a microfilm with all the government's secrets and in the last scene, Stanley and his girlfriend-turned-wife are uncovering the treasure. It's very Shawshank Redemption meets National Treasure. 

But yes, by far the best movie Michael Bay has directed or been involved with. I always have lots of fun watching it and laugh at the stupid quips. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

"This is disorder"

Snowpiercer
Director: Joon-ho Bong
Cast: Chris Evans, Tilda Swinton, Jamie Bell, Octavia Spencer, Kang-ho Song, Ed Harris, John Hurt, Alison Pill
Released: June 27, 2014



Spoilers ahoy!

After hearing about this movie on the many movie review podcasts I listen to and after seeing the trailer, I knew I had to see it. I mean, don't you want to see it too after watching this:




It was Tilda Swinton who sold me. Yes, that woman with the large glasses, buck teeth, and funny accent is Tilda Swinton. She plays one of the more higher-class citizens who lives on the train known as the Snowpiercer, and as you saw from the trailer, likes to keep everything in order. She believes everyone has their place on the train and that they should all stay where they are.

The movie takes place 17 years in the future and the whole world has iced over due to a government experiment...I honestly don't remember why or what happened, but basically, whatever they did, it caused the entire globe to become a popsicle. (Well, at least Elsa from Frozen would love it!) Most of the world's population died, but the few who were left, boarded the Snowpiercer. It is captained by Wilford (Ed Harris) who built the train's everlasting engine. In a propaganda video we see, the train (I don't know how many cars there are, but it's a fairly long train) travels along a track that goes across the entire world (it helps when the oceans are frozen to do that, I suppose). They have set it up so that the Snowpiercer crosses a certain section of the world on a certain holiday each year. This way, when they pass a certain landmark, they know it's the New Year and can celebrate another successful year aboard the train.

Now before we get any further, I have to nitpick about a couple of things. The first being, how did the people on the train get chosen to be on the train? Were there not that many survivor that they were all allowed on it? Was there a lottery system? Also, how in the hell did they build the track, especially when it goes over the ocean? Did they do this after the world froze over? (Well, they must have). But that doesn't make sense because they say that anybody who goes outside dies instantly as is evident whenever they pass a bunch of frozen people outside who escaped from the Snowpiercer and didn't make it 100 yards before they froze and died! And how long did it take to build this track? We are not provided with any of these questions. We get a two minute backstory of what happened 17 years ago, then we jump into the "present" on board the train with our characters.

There is a caste system on the train. The wealthy, more affluent people live near the front of the train, which has the nicer, plusher cars while the lower class citizens live in the "slums" of the train, the very rear. They are all crammed together with bad lighting. Everyone is dirty and wears tattered clothes. They are given what are called protein bars to eat and they look like the most disgusting things ever. Imagine a brick of black jello. They even have that jell-o texture. I would probably puke if I had to eat one of those! I would rather starve than eat one of those! We later learn that they are made out of ground up insects so if you thought they were already unappetizing...
Captain Snowpiercer!

Our protagonist, Curtis is played by Chris Evans. Can I just say that as an emaciated (okay, obviously Chris Evans is not emaciated, but Curtis is probably suppose to be on the skinny side since he doesn't get fed very much!) guy with blood and sweat on his face throughout most of the movie, is much more better looking than he is as the buff, blond, blandy mcbland Captain America? Like 10000 times better looking? I think it's the facial hair. And the fact he looks (much!) better with darker hair than blond. Curtis boarded the train when he was 17, so he has spent 17 years living in the outside world and 17 years living on the train, so after doing a quick sum in my head, that makes our hero 34 years old. Curtist leads a revolt to take over the train from Wilford. He is a mystery to the viewer and we only hear little snippets about him. The characters played by Octavia Spencer, Jamie Bell, and John Hurt are also part of the revolt. Tanya (Spencer) wants to go because her son has been taken by the people who work for Wilford. Now you may be wondering why people are allowed to procreate on a train that can hold so many people, but young children, as we will see later, are very vital for the success of the train.

Many people want to stop them from getting to the front of the train and therefore ensues many bloody battles (and deaths!). After a quick stop at another car near the back of the train, they recruit Kang-ho Song's character who built the train's security system and can get them through the doors. He and his seventeen year old daughter (she looks more like she's 12 to me!) join them. They are both addicted to a drug called Kronole which Curtis offers them in service for their help.

They capture Tilda Swinton's cartoonish, Harry Potter character-esque character, Mason, who is Wilford's right hand (wo)man and make her lead them to Wilford. What I like is that we go through all the cars in the same order as our characters: from the back and onward to the front. The movie never jumps from the back, then to the front, then to a random car in the middle like I thought maybe it would. So we're seeing each train for the first time as are our characters. (Well, the ones who survive....we lose a few key players along the way). My favorite car was the aquarium car, complete with a sushi bar. There's also a classroom car (Alison Pill plays the teacher with the propaganda video and gun hidden in a basket of eggs...don't ask...), a dance club car, a sauna car, a beauty shop car...pretty much anything you can think of.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHOY! 

Now I knew Swinton was going to get her comeuppance, but she dies much too soon for my liking. And Jamie Bell dies really early in the movie...once they start the revolt, he was one of the first to get killed. That made me sad. I like Billy Elliot! And Tanya dies and it was sad because she never got to rescue her son. Soon it's only Curtis and the Korean father and daughter. Curtis finds Wilford and it is revealed that Curtis and the other low-class citizens had to engage in a bit of cannibalism to keep everyone alive. He says babies taste the best as he ate baby Billy Elliot's arm and killed Billy Elliot's mother (which Billy Elliot never knew). Curtis felt guilty about that and that's why he took Billy Elliot under his wing. He also feels guilty about never having the courage to cut off his arm or leg to feed to the others as many of them had. We find out that Wilford has been keeping Tanya's son under the train to keep the train going because only small children can fit in there. Curtis rescues him and in the process, his arm gets all messed up because of the mechanisms.

Meanwhile, the Korean father and daughter blow up the train because Kronole is not only a drug, but also an explosive! Everyone aboard the train dies except Korean daughter and Tanya's son. They go outside and see a polar bear so we know it is possible that life can live outside the Snowpiercer. So we have a 17 year old girl and 5 year old boy who are suppose to repopulate the earth? Or you're probably thinking what I was thinking: That bear is going to eat those kids.

This movie starts on the right track, but starts to loose steam towards the end. Yes, those puns were intended.