Showing posts with label Nicolas Cage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nicolas Cage. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Family Guy

The Family Man
Director: Brett Ratner
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Téa Leoni, Jeremy Piven, Don Cheadle, Makenzie Vega
Released: December 22, 2000


Unlike Scrooged, this movie is not an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, but it has a similar vibe: a very wealthy New York City businessman named Jack Campbell (Nicolas Cage) gets a "glimpse" of what his life could have been like if he had never gotten on a plane to London thirteen years ago. Why is boarding/not boarding a plane to London so many years ago so significant? Well, the first scene begins in 1987 (which is 13 years prior to "current day" 2000) at the airport where Jack is saying goodbye to his girlfriend, Kate (Téa Leoni) before boarding the plane to London. Because it is 1987 (hell, because this movie was filmed in '99 or '00!), she is able to be at the gate with him. When his plane is called, she tells him she has a "bad feeling" if he gets that on that plane. That's something you never want to hear from somebody before boarding a plane. But not because she thinks the plane will crash, but because "this feels wrong". He is going to London because he has an internship there with Barclays. He tells her they already agreed on him going to London and she has "been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country" (they couldn't tell us which one?) and this is a great plan for both of them. She says she wants them to start their life right now and it's them that make each other great, not the plan. He kisses her and tells her that he loves her, but he's still going to London because it will only be for one year.


Except their plan for staying together didn't work out because thirteen years have passed and he is now a filthy rich executive who lives in a super posh building (with a doorman!) and Kate is nowhere to be seen. As he heads to work on Christmas Eve, we see him have "quasi-sexual witty banter" (his words) with Mrs Peterson, an elderly snooty woman who also lives in his building and he is chummy with Tony, the doorman. He is the president of the company P.K. Lassiter Investment House. I'm not exactly sure what this company is, but there's going to be a big merger with another company, one that is "the largest in U.S. corporate history" and it's happening tomorrow, on Christas Day for some weird reason. Three hundred sixty five days in the year (really 366 because I believe 2000 was a Leap Year) and they had to do this on one of the biggest holidays of the year? He tells his staff they will be working through Christmas, but promises him it will be worth it because on the 26th, they'll all have so much money it will feel like Christmas every day. We meet Alan Mintz, one of his staff members, who is a bit more mild-mannered and tells Jack that he's thinking about his family and how he promised his wife he'd be home for Christas Eve and this is when Jack gives them the pep talk. Alan is played by Saul Rubinek, who played Donny in Frasier, the brash lawyer who Daphnes almost marries. Just so you know: all the characters we're meeting now will be important in the alternate timeline. What a shock, I know! 

We meet Jack's boss, Peter Lassiter, and the two of them pretty much laugh and pat their backs about how rich they are and how happy they are because they're so rich. Jack's secretary tells him that a woman named Kate called and of course she's talking about his old girlfriend who he hasn't seen or (presumably) heard from since 1987! The very same one that told him not to get on that plane to London but he did anyway. He doesn't bother returning the call, but isn't he the least bit curious why she called? We don't learn the reason for her call at that moment. He asks his secretary to schedule a "strategy session" for noon tomorrow (on Christmas, remember) and she quips, 'That will be a nice holiday treat."  

After work, he stops by a convenience store to grab some eggnog (isn't somebody as rich as he is have people to do those kind of chores for him? But he needs to be there for the procession of the plot!). While there, a guy called Cash (Don Cheadle) comes in with an interesting fashion choice of wearing a visor backwards and something is hanging from it, like a lighter, maybe. He has a lottery ticket that he claims is good for $238, but the cashier (a young Ken Leung) thinks he "[drew] the lines." I wasn't really sure what he was talking about because I don't play the lottery, but I guessed he changed the numbers with a pencil (kinda how Robin Williams changed the phone number in Mrs. Doubtfire). When the cashier still refuses to give him any money, he gets upset and takes out a gun. Jack decides to be a hero and goes up to him to offer him a "business deal" where he will buy the ticket from him for $200 and then he can cash in the rest of the $38. Cash now points the gun at Jack and asks him if he wants to die. 

It was at this point I was convinced Cash was going to shoot him (he points the gun at him sideways which is the Hollywood sign for a kill shot) and he would end up in a coma (not dead, mind you, but a coma) and this would cause him to enter his alternative life. But nope. Cash doesn't shoot him. He doesn't shoot anyone, luckily. He tells Jack he'll take his deal. They walk outside together and Jack gives him the money. He asks him why he's carrying around the gun and that he'll end up doing something he'll regret with it. He tells him, "Everybody needs something." When Cash asks Jack what he (Jack) needs, Jack replies, "I got everything I need." Don't you just want to punch people like that in the face? He then tells Cash he could get his life together with "some honest, hard work and a little bit of medicine" (the last part is a bit presumptuous of him) and Cash just laughs and says, "You just remember that you did this, Jack, you, okay? You brought this on yourself." 

Jack returns home and goes to sleep in his fancy flat, but when he wakes up there's a blonde woman in pajamas laying on his stomach who seems to know his name when she says, "Ten more minutes, Jack. It's Christmas." A six-year-old girl and her toddler brother wander into the room, singing Christmas songs and being very excited because it's Christmas morning. Jack is looking very concerned. The kids are jumping on the bed and a large dog also hops on the bed. We soon realize the woman he's with is Kate. While she's distracted with the kids, Jack (who hasn't said a word at all) gets up and puts on some sweat pants and a sweat shirt (which are the closest thing he can find to wear (and something he would never wear) and runs downstairs where Kate's parents have just arrived. Because he's met them before, he knows who they are and they chitchat with him as though they're familiar with him and he's supposed to be there. Speaking for the first time since waking up in this odd world, he tells them, "Excuse me" and runs out the front door, ignoring their question of "Where are you going?" He runs back in after a few seconds and asks, "Where's my car? Where's my Ferrari?" (Dude, where's my Ferrari?) They seem surprised he has a Ferrari and when he asks if he can borrow their car, Ed (Kate's father), tells him to "drive [his] own damn car", which is a minivan parked in the drive way. 

He takes it and drives into the city (he's in New Jersey) and parks it in front of the building where he lives (or is supposed to live) and Tony, the doorman he knows (or is supposed to know) tells him that the building is "for residents and guests only." Of course he has no idea who he is. I chortle as I try to imagine this from the doorman's perspective. He sees this minivan pull out and this guy in sweats gets out and tries to walk past him to get him into the building. Like, he's not even pretending to act like he lives in a posh building! Then he sees Mrs. Peterson, the old lady who lives in his building, walk by and Jack acknowledges her and she asks Tony, "Who is this man?" Jack is incredulous they don't know who he is. They offer to give him help and tell him they can take him to a shelter. This is kinda funny since this is exactly how he acted towards Cash the other day. He gets super angry, screaming at them about how he's the "richest man in the building." Honestly, I don't know how the doorman kept a straight face. I would have bust out laughing. 

He ends up going to the building where he works (or is supposed to work) and some guy in the lobby (who works there) tells him the building is closed for Christmas. Well, if the building is closed, why is that poor schmuck there? To tell people the building is closed? Why don't they just lock the doors? But they need this scene so Jack can tell him he's the president, but when he looks at the sign, it says that Alan Mintz, the mousey guy that worked for Jack in the previous timeline, is now the president.

He walks out onto the street where he almost gets run over by his own Ferrari which is being driven by Cash who's had a glow-up and is wearing a white turtleneck and black leather coat. He tells Jack to hop in and that he'll explain everything. It turns out Cash is some Ghost of Christmas Future or angel or something, I don't think we're quite told what/who he is and why he has these powers. Of course Jack is demanding to know what's going on and he tells him not to get so worked up because he "brought this on [him]self" and reminds him of how he said he had everything he needed and that "this is a glimpse" (I would call it more than a "glimpse"!) and when asked of what, he replies, 'You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself" and he will get "as much time as it takes" (hence why it's more than a "glimpse") and adds, "Which in your case is probably gonna be considerable." 

He drives Jack back to the parked minivan and gives him a bell, the kind you put on a bike. Jack asks if it's some kind of signal and if Cash will come whenever he rings it. Cash doesn't really answer, but tells Jack he needs to go now. Jack doesn't want to, but Cash tells him he has other business to take care of. 

Jack has to use a map to get back home and I'm not talking about Google maps; he uses a physical map. He stops at a house in a nearby neighborhood and asks a guy taking out the trash if he knows the street he's looking for. The guy must not have heard him, otherwise he would have thought it was odd Jack was asking him that. This guy turns out to be Arnie (Jeremy Piven), a friend of Jack's, even though Jack has no idea who he is and learns they're friends when he sees a picture of them together in Arnie's house after he invites him in. Arnie's wife is played by Kate Walsh, but she's barely in the movie. At least she'll soon have Grey's Anatomy to look forward to. 

Arnie tells Jack that Kate called wanting to know if he (Arnie) had seen him (Jack) and asks him if he's okay since he took off on Christmas Day without telling anyone. Jack tells him the truth (without telling him the WHOLE truth): he's having a bad day. Arnie tells him he's in his 30s with a house, kids, and financial responsibilities and that he's probably thinking, 'This isn't the life I dreamt about.' In Jack's case, it's really not. Apparently Arnie had almost had an affair once and Jack had given him some advice: "Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because you're a little unsure about who you are." Sounds like Arnie is giving him that advice right back at him. 

Even though in this new reality, Jack doesn't have as much money as he used to, it's hilarious how he acts like he's so poor even though he lives in a four bedroom house with two and a half bathrooms. I guess from a multi-millionaire's point of view, he is poor. 

When Jack returns to the house, Kate demands to know where he's been and that she's called all their friends and the hospital and had the state troopers out looking him. It's been "hours later" since he's come back. He tells her he was in the city and tries to tell her that's where he lives and this isn't house and that she's not his wife. Apparently, he's "joked" about this before because she says, "It's not funny this time." I guess they needed this to be a normal thing he does, but the original Jack from the timeline seems happy with the life, so why would that Jack have to "joke" about that? It makes no sense. I notice they kind of tiptoe around anytime Jack acts weird or doesn't know anything that he should know. 

He takes out the bell and starts ringing it, thinking Cash will show up, but Annie, the daughter, comes by on a bike she got for Christmas and takes it, thinking it's for her new bike. Annie is played by Makenzie Vega, the younger sister of Alexa Vega and she would go on to play the daughter in The Good Wife

Jack and Kate end up going to a Christmas party (Jack didn't want to go, but when he found out it was either that or staying home and watching the kids instead of Kate's mother, he opted for the party instead. I guess it was the less scarier of the two for him!) at a nearby home where they're friends with the couple. The woman, Evelyn, clearly has a thing for Jack and keeps flirting with him, but he's pretty oblivious to her. It was hilarious when he walked straight to the table with a bowl of punch and other drinks and poured himself some alcohol from a glass decanter. 

He overhears Kate telling a story to a bunch of women and this is how he finds out she's a non-profit lawyer and he's not very happy about it He confronts her about it and isn't thrilled she doesn't get paid. She dismisses his comment and continues on with the conversation. This is a great example of how the movie just has the characters gloss over how odd Jack is acting. Like, Kate should be wondering what the f**k is up with him. 

The next morning he wakes up and thinks he's back in his original life in his own bed in Manhattan because nobody is next to him in bed and it's quiet, but then Josh, the toddler, starts crying. Kate is in the en suite shower and when he knocks on the door and opens it to tells her "that baby is crying", she tells him it's his day to take care of the kids and adds he needs to get Josh to daycare on time. Does she not think it's weird that he says "that baby" instead of the kid's name or even "the baby"? She was showering while "Beast of Burden" was playing, so maybe she didn't hear him say "that baby". 

Annie helps him change Josh's diaper (well, she doesn't physically help him, just tells him what he needs to do and where things he needs are). Annie is very perceptive and knows that isn't her real father and tells him. She thinks aliens have abducted her real father and the new Jack is an alien in disguise. It's pretty cute when she asks him if he like kids and he replies, "On a case-by-case basis." She asks if he knows how to make chocolate milk (but sounds more like "chalk-wit milk" with her lisp) and he tells her he thinks he can figure it out. She helps him with directions to the daycare (amazing that a six-year-old can do that, so I'm guessing the school isn't too far away from their house) and when Jack drops off Josh he asks the woman who works there if he needs a receipt. Yeah, it's funny that he says that, but I'm sure that woman has seen Jack drop off his son many times and that comment didn't arouse any suspicion? Maybe she thought he was being funny? But the way he was carrying Josh (had his arms way outstretched with him in them) was super sus too. Why are these people just accepting how odd he is acting? Is the six-year-old the only smart one in the movie? Apparently, she is! 

After he drops off Annie at school, he asks her what he's supposed to do next and she tells him he goes to work at Big Ed's Tires. That's Ed as in his father-in-law. He is thrilled to be selling tires (that was sarcasm, obviously). Another weird thing that happens and nobody questions is when he asks one of his employees where his office is. Yeah, he will ask Jack if he's okay a little bit later, but still...the movie really just isn't worried about how his odd behavior is coming across to the everyday people in his life, and they just don't seem to notice or care that much. In his office, he finds a checkbook in the desk and starts flipping through it and says "Oh, no" so whatever the amount is, it's not good, though to be fair, he's used to having millions of dollars so the amount he has in this timeline could be totally fine for his situation. The checkbook (along with the physical map and airport security) definitely dates the movie! The only time I use a check is to pay my rent. I used to write check way back in the early 2000s and I hated it because it took so long! I think my mom might be the only person left who still writes checks. 

On the wall, he sees a plaque that says he was the #1 Junior Sales Associate in 1988, the same year he should have been in London, so does that mean he never made it across the pond? Well, obviously in this timeline it does! It reminds me of one of those Choose Your Adventure books and this time instead of choosing to go for the path that will lead him to a plushy career with lots of perks, he chose the domestic life with a family. Honestly, his life in the domestic path isn't bad at all; he'll soon find out it's quite nice. The only thing I would say is a downgrade is the job and not just because he's making significantly less money, but selling tires (or anything in retail, really) just seems like one of the worst jobs you can have. To me, anyway! 

There are moments when it looks like he's coming around and accepting this new life, but then he'll just turn into a complete ass. In one scene, the whole family is at the mall and Kate is listing off places they need to go and he sarcastically says they should just go to every store in the mall. She tells him she'll take the kids shopping and he can stay in the men's department. 

While they're gone, he looks around and finds a $2400 suit very similar to one he wore in his old life and tries it on. Kate and the kids come back and she tells him he looks amazing in it. She's not so impressed with the price, though when he tells her he wants to buy it. He retorts back like a petulant child and claims that Annie got new shoes and she says they only cost $25. He starts to have a hissy fit and the sales guy quietly sneaks away, probably upset he isn't making a sale. Jack asks her, "Do you have ay idea what my life is like?" and starts rambling about his mundane life. When talking about work, he says "retail" in a very acidic tone which I can totally relate! (I don't even work in retail, but I know I would hate it if I did!) He harkens back to the very first scene when he asks her how she could "let [him] give up on [his] dream?" She just looks at him and asks, "Who are you?" in a tone of disbelief and he tells her that maybe he's not the same guy he was when they got married. The most Nic Cage-iest line of the movie is when he shouts at her, "I'm sorry I was such a saint before and I'm such a PRICK now!" He was really channeling some Castor Troy energy there. 

He does apologize to Kate while they're driving home and also learns some new stuff such as Annie was a surprise pregnancy and Kate's dad had a heart attack and Jack stepped in to help out and that's why he works at his shop now. 

In this timeline, he likes to go bowling with his friends (something I very much doubt the Wall Street executive Jack would do; in fact, I bet that Jack didn't even have any friends!) and while at a bowling alley with some friends, he runs into Evelyn, the attractive woman who's always flirting with him. He's pretty straightforward with her and asks her if there's anything going on between them. She asks him if they're finally going to be honest and tells him "we've been dancing around this for years." So does that mean the previous Jack in this timeline had been thinking about cheating on his wife? She admits she likes him and wants to have an affair and that Kate "will never have to know."  He seriously considers it and tells Arnie who is in disbelief that he's even thinking about cheating on Kate. Jack replies that "it wouldn't really be cheating" because he's thinking this isn't his life and Kate isn't his wife but of course he can't explain that to Arnie! (Heh, it reminds me of that song, "And you may tell yourself, 'This is not my beautiful house' and you may tell yourself, 'This is not my beautiful wife.'" EDIT: After writing this, I watched the trailer, and no joke, they use that song, so they had the same thought.) Arnie tells him he's an idiot because he already has an amazing wife and he's going to mess it up if he does this. So he doesn't. 

I wasn't totally sure how much time has passed while Jack is in this alternate universe, but I think it's around Valentine's Day (or perhaps even on Valentine's Day because they totally seem like the kind of couple who would get married on that day) when he learns it's their anniversary. Of course he doesn't know it so he doesn't have a gift for her. He tells her he wants to give it to her later because their anniversary is all day. This is another sign that she should know something is up because she tells him that he always gives her his gift first thing in the morning. She's very excited to receive her gift, like a kid on Christas morning. She had given him a knockoff suit of the one he liked. It was a sweet gesture, but I'm not sure if he's ever going to wear it because it's not quite the same thing! 

He ends up taking her out to dinner at a nice restaurant in Manhattan. All he had to tell her that morning was that he had a surprise planned for her later that evening, but I guess in that moment he still had no idea what he was going to get her. He orders for both of them: "Terrine of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms, veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce, sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts." I had to look up what a terrine was and it's a dish that is made in a ceramic or glass rectangular vessel and is "constructed in loaf-shaped layers of either meat or fish [quail in their case] and can sometimes contain vegetables" (taken from thespruceeats.com). He asks for an '82 bottle of wine, but when Kate informs him that it's $800, he changes it to two glasses of red wine. 

They're having a nice evening. He tells her he needs to tell her something and begins by saying, "I feel like I'm living someone else's life." Which technically he is, but she reads it as he's saying "How did I end up here?" She even agrees with him, telling him she wonders how she ended up in New Jersey (didn't they live in New York before? Not that big of a mystery). They talk about how their lives would have been if they had pursed their professional paths and she says, "Can you imagine life where everything was just easy? Where you ask for things and and then people just bring them to you?" Of course he knows exactly what's that like and replies, "It's wonderful" and she just laughs because of course it would be wonderful. She tells him she wonders what kind of life she would have had if she never married him. We already know what his life would be like if they never got married! When he asks her what she thinks her life would be like, she says, "I realize I've just erased all the things in my life that I'm sure about", of course meaning him and their kids. She asks him what he's sure about and he tells her that he's sure there's no one else he'd rather be with than her. Awww. It's this moment that's the turning point where he realizes this was the life he wanted all along.

We soon see him happily interacting with the kids and thriving at work where he seems to be getting into the swing of his alternate life. One day, while at work, his old boss, Peter Lassiter, pulls up in his fancy car with a flat tire (why would this guy who lives in Manhattan come to this place? Aren't there auto shops much, much closer? Oh, I know it's all for the plot, but I just like to complain about stuff like that). Jack tells him he knows who he is because he's seen him on CNBC. He invites him to his office and tells him his business strategy and how he would have done things differently with the merger (which has been on the news). If I were this Lassiter character, I would be wondering why this tires salesman was giving me business pointers and at first it doesn't seem like he's interested in what Jack has to say, but then he tells him to drop off his car at his office building when the tire is fixed and they'll have a meeting. It's ridiculous that this high executive businessman is letting this random guy have a job interview. I would think people in his position are much more fussy about who they're interviewing/hiring. 

When Jack shows up at his old stomping grounds, he meets the new and improved Alan Mintz who is now in a business it (as opposed to the sweater and slacks he wore previously in the other timeline). He tells both Peter and Alan he used to be a broker, but now he sells tires. The way they were talking to him and asking him questions such as how his sales are reminded me of an episode of Shark Tank. He basically tells them it doesn't matter if he works on Wall Street or Main Street, that people are people and he knows people and starts rattling off things he knows about them as proof that he's super perceptive. 

Alan shows Jack around, but once they are alone, he cuts the friendly act and demand to know how he found out the information abut them. He asks Jack if he went through Lassiter's wallet or found the information online, only he phrases is as "Did you surf some Net?" Oh, that gave me a good chuckle. Did some eighty-year-old write the script and didn't know how the Internet worked back in '99/'00? It was just so awkwardly worded! 

It looks like Jack was able to get a job and instead of talking it over with Kate first, he decides to let her know by surprising her. He does this by taking her to a swank Manhattan apartment and tells her about the job and they could be staying there nearly rent-free until they find a place of their own. Even though their financial situation would vastly approve, she's not happy about this because she likes the school Annie goes to (even though he told her they could get the kids into some of the best schools in the country) and she doesn't want to raise the kids in New York. I can understand not wanting to raise kids if you're tight on money, but their new digs looks plenty spacious and their new life would be pretty plush. In other words, I guess what I'm saying is that I think Kate is worrying about things she shouldn't be worrying about. I can understand her not wanting to move if Annie was in high school and didn't want their daughter to switch schools, but she's only in kindergarten! Also, she seems to be overly sentimental of the house they live in. Later, she tells him (while crying, no less) how she imagined them growing old together in their house and having their grandchildren visit them. Then she tells him she'll accept it if he wants to take the job while taking him on a major guilt trip: "If you need this,I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go." She'll do this because she loves him and because she chooses them. ("I choose us.")

There's a sweet moment of Jack playing in the snow with his daughter and he's acting like the dad Annie is used to because Annie tells him, "I knew you'd come back." 

Because it's snowed, he's picking up rock salt at a convenience store and is startled when he sees Cash is working there as the clerk (he is now traded his fashionable garb for a polyester uniform). Cash greets him with a big smile and comments that he's gotten "all domestic" since he's buying rock sat and that he "must have really figured things out." Jack just replies, "you're not sending me back." Cash reminds him that this was only a glimpse and "a glimpse, by definition, is an impermanent thing." This is when Jack knows that this is his last night in this timeline of his life. He has a moment with each kid and tells Kate he wants her to promise him that she'll always remember him how he is right now in this moment. He's doing everything he can not to fall asleep: he takes the dog for a late night walk in the cold air and instead of going to bed, he sits in the armchair in their bedroom trying not to fall asleep. Every time his eyes start to close, he snaps them back open, but he does eventually nod off and when he wakes up he's back in his own bed in his luxurious apartment without any kids or a wife. He's surprised to find out it's Christmas Day and drives to the house where he lived with his family, but now someone else lives there and tells him nobody named Kate lives there.

He calls information where he gets Kate's address. When he arrives at her apartment, there are boxes and people everywhere and it's obvious she's moving. (Who moves on Christmas Day? It's almost worse than having an important business meeting on Christmas Day!) And she's not just moving to another zip code, she's moving all the way to Paris, oh, la, la! Does Kate even know French? If she does, why were we never told this? She tells Jack that her law firm has an offie there and she'll be in charge of it. Do you remember way back in the original timeline when Jack was told Kate had called him at his office, but he never returned her call? Well, she has a box of his stuff and I think she was calling him to tell him she was moving and wanted to give him his stuff back. Good Lord, it's been thirteen years...unless it's super sentimental, just toss it. If he's lived without these items for this long, I'm sure he doesn't really care about them that much. 

Even though she's super busy, he chats with her. He asks her if she's married and has a big smile on his face when she tells him she never got married. He asks her if she ever thinks about them and what could have been, but she's too distracted with packing and just tells him he should look her up if he's ever in Paris. You gotta feel bad for the guy.

He does find out her flight is leaving at seven that night which comes in handy when he decides he's going to run to her gate as she's standing in line to board the plane and shouts at her not to get on the plane. He's really lucky...one year later and he would not be able to do this! She steps out of the line and asks him if he needs closure after all these years and reassures him that even though she was heartbroken after he left, she got over it and moved on and suggests that he do the same. She gets back in line, and desperate, I suppose, he just starts talking crazy: "We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids..." He then proceeds to tell her about the alternate reality he lived with her as though they are living this live right here and now. If I were her, I would be a little concerned! After telling her every little detail about their two children (including names and their personality traits), he tells her he's seen what they could be like together and ends with "I choose us" which is a callback to when she told him that earlier. 

Look, I don't think he went this the right way at all. Rambling on about things that happened in an alternate universe and acting like they're true now is just going to make you look like a lunatic, but Kate just says "Okay" and decides not to take her flight so she can have a cup of coffee with Jack at the airport and the movie ends with them chatting.

Of course, we're probably suppose to assume that they start dating and fall in love again and get married and have their two adorable children, but for all we know she could have decided she didn't want to pursue a relationship with him and gotten on a plane to Paris the next day. C'est Paris, for God's sake! LOL, I am so cynical. 

Also, are we supposed to think this whole thing was just a dream? Think about it: he wakes up on Christmas Day and finds himself in this new life and then when he wakes up on Christmas Day back in the life he's always had (after a very long dream!), but it felt so real that he thought it was and it changed his perspective on life. I really think this movie could have worked better if it had a better script (the characters just glossing over Jack's out-of-characterness just really annoys me and it's clear the script is only calling for them to do so because they don't want to call too much attention that this is not the Jack they know) and a better director (I was shocked that the douchey Brett Ratner directed this - this kind of feel-good family Christmas film isn't his forte), I think this movie could have been a truly great Christmas movie, but it kind of gets lost in the shuffle of holiday movies and most people seem to forget about its existence. 

I really like the movie's poster:


Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Treasure Hunters

National Treasure
Director John Turteltaub
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger, Jon Voight, Sean Bean, Justin Bartha, Harvey Keitel, Christopher Plummer
Released: November 19, 2004
Viewed in theaters: November 27, 2004


Picture it: Lincoln, Nebraska, Thanksgiving 2004. My family is debating over which movie we should see one evening. I want to see National Treasure. My brother wants to see Alexander. I don't know what my parents voted for, but one or both of them must have wanted to see Alexander (the Oliver Stone movie with Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie...I have a feeling most people have forgotten about the existence of that movie!) because we ended up seeing that. I was so mad because that movie looked like a total snooze fest and I was right! I was so bored during the three plus hours I sat through it. (It could have been only a little over two hours for all I know, but it definitely felt LONG!) Even my family agreed it was a terrible and boring movie and pretty much admitted we chose the wrong movie. Now, National Treasure isn't the best movie in the world, but at least it's a hell of a lot more entertaining and fun than some long drawn out historical movie. (There's a good bet I will never review Alexander for this blog!) Now I did end up seeing this movie with my mom (she must have either voted with me or didn't care which movie we saw or maybe she just felt bad for me) the next day, but it still infuriates me that I wasted three hours of my life watching Alexander!

This is probably the only family friendly movie Nicolas Cage has ever made. This and its sequel, which I've only seen once (I've seen this one a handful of times). Oh, and that Christmas movie he did with Tea Leoni. There's probably a few others he's made too, but they seem to be very rare for the actor who is mostly known for R-rated action movies. See Rock, The. Or Con Air. Or Face/Off. In this Indiana Jones/Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?/The Goonies hybrid, he plays Ben Gates whose ancestors were part of some secret society who hid a bunch of treasure. He's had his eye on the prize since his great grandfather (played by Christopher Plummer) told him the story as a young boy, but it isn't until "current day" 2004 when he gets anywhere near finding it. 

With a clue that the treasure "lies with Charlotte", he leads an expedition to the Arctic which includes his right-hand man, Riley (Justin Bartha), who's pretty much in the movie to be the comic relief and a post-Boromir, pre-Ned Stark Sean Bean who plays his partner turned arch nemesis, Ian, and then some other guy who's Ian's crony. Not only do they find the ship in the ice, after, like, five seconds of chipping away, but they find the most important part of the ship which provides a clue. They figure out the clue pertains to the Declaration of Independence that will lead them to the treasure. Now that I think about it, this movie is a precursor to The DaVinci Code. Ian wants to steal the DoI, but Ben puts his foot down and says absolutely not. We then learn that Ian and his crony are bad guys as they try to kill Ben and Riley, and while they escape, they don't succeed in killing the two good guys.

When they return to D.C., Ben tries to warn anyone who will listen that the DoI is in danger of being stolen, but no one takes them seriously because there is no possible way for the DoI to be stolen because it is perfectly safe and secure. "The Declaration of Independence" is uttered many times during the film. It wasn't until halfway through the movie when I realized I should have been keeping count of how many times it was said, but by then, it was too late. I'm pretty sure if there was a category in The Guinness Book of World Records for the most times the phrase "The Declaration of Independence " is uttered in a movie, National Treasure would be victorious. Since the FBI won't listen to them, they go to the National Archives and warn Dr. Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger) who also dismisses them and assures them the artifact is very safe.

Ben believes the only way to keep the DoI safe is to steal it himself. At least he will make sure its returned while Ian and his cronies won't care if it gets mucked up in the process of stealing it and using it to find the treasure. Plus, let's be honest, Ben wants that sweet treasure for himself. Riley tells Ben there is no possible way for them to steal the DoI because it's protected by security beyond measure, but Ben has found a loophole and plans to steal it when it's being treated in the preservation room, the only place where it won't be under (so much) lock and key. He and Riley devise this big plan that, of course, goes without a hitch. First, they have to make sure the DoI will be sent to the preservation room so Riley goes to the National Archives and surreptitiously points a laser light at it or something so a warning goes off to indicate that something has been tampered with it. No idea if this is a real thing or not. You know, I have been to D.C. a handful of times (maybe four) and I have never seen the DoI.

They plan to have the DoI in the preservation room the same night a big gala will be going on at the National Archives building. Ben will be the one doing the stealing while Riley stays in the van to direct him and warn him if there's any problems. Ben goes in as a maintenance man (he stole the identity of another maintenance man so he would be on the list...or something...I don't know...this whole plan is so convoluted) and is able to get through, no questions asked. I did think it was funny when Riley and Ben pull up at the building right before they're about to pull off the heist and as Ben is getting out of the van, Riley asks him, "Are you sure this is a good idea?" and Ben just slams the door, totally ignoring him.

Once Ben is in, he changes into a tuxedo in the restroom. He does this right in the open, and not in a stall. I at least hoped he locked the door so nobody would see him changing out of a maintenance outfit in a tuxedo because that wouldn't look suspicious! He enters the party where he chats with Abigail, taking her glass of champagne so she can take another glass for her date. You see, this is all part of the plan because they need her fingerprints to get into the preservation room. Ben will use a black light to see which keys she has pressed for the password and they figure out it's "Valley Forge".

Nobody is in the preservation room at all, so Ben is able to get the DoI. However, he's not alone for long as Ian and his cronies have the same idea to steal it that night and they're about to enter the room. Ben takes the whole thing, bullet proof glass and all that the DoI is surrounded in. It's a good thing he has it because once he's on the elevator and the bad guys enter, they start shooting at him and he uses it as a shield. He takes out the DoI and rolls it up like a poster. My favorite part of the movie is when he goes into the gift shop and the cashier sees it on his person and asks him if he's trying to steal that. She tells him it's $35 and he says, "For this? That's a lot." Haha, for the real DoI? I would say that's a steal! He ends up paying $70 because he buys that and then gets a replica to throw off Ian later.

Abigail figure out what's going on and she gets involved in a car chase and this is when Ben gives Ian the fake DoI. Ben, Riley, and Abigail end up at Ben's father's (Jon Voight) house. Since Ben used a credit card to pay for the DoI poster he can't go back to his own house. The DoI goes through a lot of duress during its time out in the real world and it's truly amazing it made it back in one piece. Using lemon juice and heat, they find some clues on the back. But instead of a map like they thought they would find, it's a bunch of numbers that pertain to some letters written by Benjamin Franklin that are important to the case. The letters, which Ben's father used to own, have now been donated to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia.

The clues and many different cities they visit (D.C., Philly, New York, Boston) reminds me of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, only the version where you're trying to find her in the U.S., which isn't as fun. There's a scene where they go to an Urban Outfitters in Philly to buy new clothes so they won't look so conspicuous in their fancy gala clothes. Right out in the open, when they're buying their clothes, they're talking about the clues. I'm surprised nobody gave them any odd looks. I mean, if you were in an Urban Outfitters and heard three adults talking about going to the Liberty Bell to find the next clue that will lead to long-lost treasure, wouldn't you be a little suspicious?

The clue leads them to a brick in the wall where Ben finds these old-fashioned spectacles used to look at the map and find the next clue. I can't remember exactly where in the movie Nicolas Cage says this, but there's a scene where he finds a clue and he says, "Can it really be that simple?" Everything leading to the clue is just so ridiculously easy, it's almost laughable. But it is a Disney family film, so the best thing is to just enjoy the ride.

Right on their heels is Ian and his cronies. Ben wants them to split up so Ian can't have the DoI and glasses at the same time because they need both to decipher the next clue. He takes the glasses and Riley and Abigail take the DoI. This thing gets drug through the streets of Philly and into a meat market. True, it's in a protective tube, but still. Ian apprehends the DoI and he also kidnaps Ben's father as a hostage in order to get the glasses.

An FBI agent played by Harvey Keitel has captured Ben and tells him he has two options: he can either go to jail or he can tell them where they can find the DoI and go to jail, knowing he did the right thing. Ben escapes and ends up in New York to join the search for the treasure which Ian and his cronies have now joined. The next clue is underneath the Trinity Church and they are all on this rickety makeshift elevator and one of the no-name bad guys falls off and plunges into this never ending abyss of darkness. Where did this chasm come from? All the characters are trying to jump to safety and there's a moment where Ben, holding on to the arm of a dangling Abigail, has to decide between saving her or saving the DoI which is now starting to slip from his shoulder. (Oh yeah, I should mention, Ben got it back). He asks Abigail if she trusts him and lets go of her once he's sure she'll land on a platform a few feet below them. He apologizes later for dropping her and she assures him it's okay and that she would have done the same thing. Can you imagine how much sh*t he would have been in if he had let the Declaration of Independence fall into a deep abyss of darkness? History would be lost forever! FOR-EV-ER!

Ben and his father tell Ian and his cronies that the next clue is in Boston because of the lantern they see. Leaving Ben, Ben's father, Abigail, and Riley, Ian and his cronies start to go back up on the makeshift elevator, leaving the others without any way to get back up. They start protesting, but it's really a non-issue, because surprise! Ben gave them a decoy answer and the next clue is actually right where they are! Who didn't see that coming? They find a huge room (seriously, this thing must have been five football fields long!) filled with treasure after treasure after treasure. There are mummies! Scrolls from the Library of Alexandria! An important looking medallion! And lots of other stuff! And, most importantly, there are stairs to an exit.

Ben calls the police and hands back the DoI to Keitel, who, in return tells him that someone has to go to jail. Ben offers him a bribe of ten billion dollars and tells him he can get him the real bad guy who's in Boston where they arrest Ian and his cronies. Poor Sean Bean. But at least he didn't die this time!

The priceless artifacts have been donated to museums all over the world. There's a joke that Ben and Riley, who are credited with finding the treasure, only got one percent of the profits and Riley is complaining about that while driving a fancy convertible and tells Ben he could have bought a bigger house and the camera pans back to show a huge mansion. Haha, even with only one percent, they still got a ton of money. Bring on National Treasure 3! 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Godspeed, Goodspeed

The Rock
Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Sean Connery, Ed Harris, John Spencer, David Morse, Michael Biehn
Released: June 7, 1996

Oscar nominations:
Best Sound (lost to The English Patient)



I decided to complete the trifecta of Nicolas Cage R-rated action movies that all came out in the mid '90s with the one that started it all, and my personal favorite out of all of them, The Rock. Although it's been at least ten years since I've last seen it, I have seen it a handful of times and I still love it. It's a great popcorn movie. It is widely perceived by many people (including Bay himself) to be Michael Bay's best movie. It is certainly my favorite movie of his, but really, it's not that hard to choose. The only notable thing he had done prior to this movie was Bad Boys, then after this he did Armageddon, which was okay, then he did a lot of crap like The Island, Pearl Harbor, and the five or so Transformers sequels. I've only seen the first two Transformers movies and since the second was way worse than the first one, I assume they get get worse and worse. 

I feel like the real dream team of this movie are the producers, Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson. This was their last production together (they also produced other big movies such as Top Gun, Crimson Tide, and Beverly Hills Cop). Simpson died during the production of this movie and it is dedicated to him. 

Whenever I think Sean Connery, I don't think James Bond (not a James Bond fan anyhow), but rather this movie. Well, if I'm being honest, I probably think Sean Connery as a contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy, haha, but I don't know if that counts since it's not really him. I would say it's my favorite Connery film and maybe my favorite Cage movie, although I really do love National Treasure! It's a close call...but there are actually a lot of similarities between the two films. 

The movie begins with the villain (but not really), a disgruntled Marine, Frank Hummel (played by Ed Harris) and other Marines he's recruited to join his cause to take control of Alcatraz (aka The Rock!) and take about 100 tourists and put them in the cells as hostages. They have four rockets ready to go off with a poisionos gas. I didn't quite understand what exactly happened, but he was involved in a secret, illegal mission that went awry and many men died. He threatens to launch the missiles unless the government splits $100 million among the family members of the marines who died that day. He is also offering to pay the men who are helping him each a million dollars. He feels like their deaths should be compensated, which I understand, but he's not going the best way about it, though he thinks this way they will listen. The first glimpse we see that Hummel is not the one dimensional villain that he could be is when he and his men are about to take the group of tourists hostage and he goes up to a group of school kids and tells them to tell their teacher they need to go back to the bus.

James Womack (a pre-West Wing John Spencer) is the FBI Director who Hummel tells his plan to. He prepares a team of Navy SEALs (led by Kyle Reese himself, Michael Biehn). All he needs is someone who knows about this particular poisonous gas and how to diffuse the rockets and someone who can help get them into the prison without being detected by the Marines guarding it.

Stanley Goodspeed (Cage) is the scientists/chemical weapons specialist who works at the FBI Laboratory in D.C. We get some foreshadowing in the scene he is introduced in because the lab is delivered a suspicious package from Bosnia, so Goodspeed and another guy go into a protective chamber with their protective suits on to inspect it. There's a baby doll in the package and the other guy starts playing with it, and, of course, some kind of poisonous gas (the same that's in the missiles) is spewed from its mouth and alarms are going off. Goodspeed tells everyone, "I have some bad news and some really bad news." NOT the kind of thing you ever want to hear. They're trying to run the sprinkles, but there's some kind of malfunction. Um, why didn't you check to make everything was working before you opened something potentially dangerous? Who the hell is running this place? Anyway, we see that Goodspeed is calm under pressure when diffusing a bomb (which was inside the doll and he had four seconds to spare). We also see there's an an antidote if you are exposed to the poisonous gas which the guys on the outside of the chamber want them to take because the gas is eating their suits and will soon kill them if they are exposed to it. If they stick this needle with the antidote into their hearts, then they will be fine and can stop the bomb, but neither want to stick a needle into their heart. This will also come back later.

John Mason (Sean Connery) is the "former guest" as he puts it, of Alcatraz. He is said to be the only inmate of Alcatraz to escape. (I guess they're not counting the men from the movie Escape from Alcatraz as attempted escapes since there's no evidence they survived). He has been locked up the last 30 years and basically doesn't exist as there are no records on him. He has too many national security secrets that he dug up such as Roswell and who killed JFK and the government doesn't like that. But he is the only person who can lead them into Alcatraz, so they try to cut a deal with him. He tells them he wants to stay at a hotel and get a suit and haircut. Why he didn't think to include to ask for a visit from his daughter didn't make much sense because he goes through this whole charade just to get to her. It's exciting, don't get me wrong, but it seems like it would just be a lot more simpler for him to ask for this simple request and I don't see why they wouldn't grant it. So what he does is take a rope while he's showering....because showers have ropes hidden in them, apparently. He also calls room service to distract the other agents. Womack and Goodspeed are the only ones with him when he's getting his hair cut by the guy from Boston Common (how's that for a deep cut?, no pun intended!) on the balcony. He goes to shake hands with Womack to show his cooperation, but instead ties the rope around his hands and throws him over the balcony. Goodspeed attempts to call for help, but all the other agents are too busy stuffing their faces. Mason ties the rope around a chair and runs away. By this time the other agents have come out to help pull Womack up and Goodspeed (who will need, ahem, good speed in this scene) chases Mason driving a Humvee through the streets of San Fransisco in a yellow Ferrari. They are swerving to miss people; they are flying over hills; they are crashing into parked cars; Goodspeed runs over a bunch of parking meters with the coins falling out everywhere; Mason crashes into a truck carrying huge plastic jugs of water which roll all over into the street; he also pushes a trolley off the tracks and into a great big fall of fire. Goodspeed totally trashes the Ferrari and a guy on a motorbike comes up to him and says, "Dude, your Ferrari is totally f***ed!" and he responds with, "It's not mine! And neither is this!" and takes the bike from him. The whole thing was completely ridiculous but it's the reason why we love (or hate) Michael Bay. Goodspeed figures out Mason has a daughter and is going to see her. This whole thing could have been completely avoided!

They are finally able to get Mason back and now it's time to infiltrate Alcatraz! They go under water and through a tunnel system. They wanted Mason to give them the blue prints for the place, but he tells them they're in his head. There's a giant furnace with two flaming pendulums that Mason has memorized the timing to and must roll under to get inside and unlock a door to let the others in. Soon after that the SEALs come in contact with the Marines and Hummel tells them to stand down, but Kyle Reese says he cannot do that and someone accidentally steps on stones which fall and there's a big shootout and all the SEALs are killed and the non-important Marines who we haven't had any screen time of. Now Mason and Goodspeed are the only ones left alive who came along with the SEALs.

I couldn't help thinking how cool this movie would have been as a video game because at this point on, it almost kind of plays as one. When you select a character, you could choose between Mason or Goodspeed so you're either the old guy kicking ass or the scientist diffusing bombs. This would have been an awesome video game; they ride in mine carts for God's sake! And you can shoot at an air conditioning unit to land on a guy's head! Tell me that isn't asking to me made into a game! At this point it's the two of them going through the labyrinth of this abandoned prison, trying to find the missiles and diffuse them.

We find out that Hummel had no intention of ever launching the rockets and when one is launched, he is able to divert it into the ocean. This makes the other men angry and there's a big shoot out where Hummel is killed, but not before Goodspeed is able to get him to tell him where the last rocket is. This rocket is used to kill one of the bad marines when he follows Goodspeed up to the tower. In probably the most hilarious and simultaneously gruesome movie death scene, Goodspeed tells him he should like the song "Rocket Man" by Elton John because he is about to BECOME the rocket man and launches the rocket at him where he is thrown out the tower, then lands on a pole where he is impaled. Then in another scene, another guy is fighting with Goodspeed and he puts a ball of poisonous gas into the guy's mouth and his skin immediately starts bubbling and melting. Goodspeed must have been prepared because he has a needle of the antidote to inject his heart with.

I really love the relationship between Mason and Goodspeed. They first start out skeptical of each other, but when they have to work together, they grow some respect for each other. Each man saves the other man's life at one point when they are incapable of helping themselves. Mason gives Goodspeed some good advice and pep talks along the way and it's almost like a father/son relationship

The POTUS has ordered a strike on Alcatraz even though there are still innocent people there but he rather kill about 100 innocents than the 70 or 80,000 the missile with the poisonous gas would kill. Goodspeed tries to warn the oncoming jets with flares. One jet released a bomb, though it only lands on the back of the island and nobody is killed. However, when Womack calls Goodspeed to confirm his whereabouts, Goodspeed tells him that Mason was killed and that his body "vaporized." It's a very sweet moment and made me go "awww". In turn as a thanks, Mason tells him where he can find a microfilm with all the government's secrets and in the last scene, Stanley and his girlfriend-turned-wife are uncovering the treasure. It's very Shawshank Redemption meets National Treasure. 

But yes, by far the best movie Michael Bay has directed or been involved with. I always have lots of fun watching it and laugh at the stupid quips. 

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Jailbird

Con Air
Director: Simon West
Cast: Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Steve Buscemi, Ving Rhames, Dave Chappelle, Monica Potter
Released: June 6, 1997

Oscar nominations:
Best Sound (lost to Titanic)
Best Original Song - "How Do I Live" by Diane Warren (lost to "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic by James Horner and Will Jennings)

I already reviewed one of Nicolas Cage's R-rated action movies from 1997, so I thought I would review his OTHER R-rated action movie that came out just a couple weeks before Face/Off, and that would be Con Air. This was another movie that was reviewed on How Did This Get Made?, hence why I wanted to see it again...it had been a VERY long time since I last saw this. This is one of those so bad, it's good movies. Although if you had asked me who directed this, I would have said Michael Bay, though I would have been wrong!

I remembered that song, "How Do I Live" is in this movie, but I forgot it was written for the movie! I guess I just thought they wanted to use a sappy country love song for the literally ten minute romance of the film. (Eh...maybe it was fifteen?) Don't get me wrong, I love the song, but it's just so weird that kind of song is in a movie about murders, serial killers, rapists, and drug lords overtaking a plane. The two just don't mesh very well. Like most people, I am very familiar with the LeAnne Rimes version of this song, but did you know they don't even play that version in the movie? It's sung by Trisha Yearwood. The LeAnne Rimes version is a trillion times better (even though it sounds like she's singing, "How do I leave without you")...the Trisha Yearwood one sounds like a watered-down version and it's not the power ballad that LeAnne makes it. I guess they (the producers, I assume) said she was too young which is ridiculous because there are two young girls in the movie and they are much younger than the 14/15 years LeAnne was when she recorded that song.

How do I "leave" without you?
The movie starts with our hero, Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage) coming home to Alabama from being in the army for however long (well at least long enough to get his wife pregnant). He goes to a bar where his wife works. She is played by Monica Potter which is so crazy because I literally just binged watched five seasons of Parenthood (I'm on the last season now) in about three weeks. I feel like there's a word for that. They are being harassed by these two rednecks. They threaten to rape the wife, then start beating up Poe for really no reason and he kills one of them in self defense. We next see him in court where he is sentenced to eight years of prison just because he killed somebody in SELF DEFENSE when that guy was attempting to RAPE his WIFE and beat him up! WTF? That seems a little extreme, but the judge says with his years of experience in the army, he's a danger to society. It makes no sense at all! But we need to find a way to get our hero in prison, I guess...without him being a bad guy.

We next see the next eight years fly by in three minutes, I am not kidding you. This movie really wants to get to the point and I salute it for doing that. Let's get to the good stuff which we all know will happen on the plane. In the montage we see Poe writing letters to his wife, then daughter, Casey, when she gets old enough to write back. He is narrating this for us and I must say Cage's Southern accent is just flawless...except not. 

I was wondering why Casey has never visited her dad and we get this answer by Poe saying he doesn't want her to see her father this way, in jail. But then why hasn't his wife ever visited him? Unless she did and I just misunderstood. IDK...I guess it doesn't really matter. The last eight years really don't matter! It's time for Poe to go home! He gets to go on a plane with other prisoners that are being transported. I was so confused because I didn't know where they were. Why was he not in a prison in Alabama? I think they were somewhere in California, but I don't know why he would be serving time there. I guess it's so he would be on the prison plane, aptly named the Jailbird. I don't think the logistics really matter. We just need some bad guys on this plane! And bad guys we will get!

There's Cyrus aka Cyrus the Virus (John Malkovich) who is 39 years old and has spent the last 25 years in prison which means he would have been 14 when he was sent to prison! Good Lord, what the hell did he do at age 14 to get that sentence? I feel like somebody did their math wrong and the screenplay wasn't checked! They did say he killed other men in prison so in fairness, he probably got more time tacked on for that. There's gangster and Black Guerilla member Diamond Dog (Ving Rhames). There's Danny Trejo playing a rapist, there's a very young Dave Chappelle playing PinBall. I think he was in there for drugs. The only other "good" prisoner besides Poe is his cellmate and friend. I forget his name, but we'll call him Bubba because the actor played Bubba in Forrest Gump. I forget why he was in there. All the prisoners are seated in chairs and are handcuffed and leg cuffed. The really bad guys (the Cyrus the Viruses and Diamond Dogs) are locked in steel cages.

U.S. Marshall Vince Larkin (John Cusack) is overseeing the flight. He has a strict no guns allowed policy on the plane. (They only have one locked in a box and a few in storage). A DEA agent, Malloy, wants one of his men (disguised as a prisoner) to carry a gun. He is on the plane to get information....it's really not important because the decoy prisoner ends up dying...spoiler alert! Malloy sneaks a gun on him but it ends up working against him. Malloy is a real piece of work. He drives a fast, shiny convertible and when he shows Larkin, he tells him it's beautiful and Malloy replies with, "Babies are beautiful, sunsets are beautiful; this, this is effing spectacular!" The vanity plate reads "AZZ KIKR" (as in "ass kicker") He's a real douche bag!

Once the plane takes off, we see Dave Chappelle start taking a piece of string out of his mouth. Attached to this string is some lighter fluid and a match that he swallowed. (This isn't even plausible, is it?) Everyone is watching him...everyone, apparently, EXCEPT the guards. And there are at least four that I remember. Plus two pilots. What the hell are they doing? Playing rummy in the cargo area? They only have one job and that is to WATCH the DANGEROUS prisoners. Chappelle lights the guy next to him on fire (I would be so pissed if I were that guy!) and this starts a riot. The guards are trying to get fire extinguishers and in the chaos, Chappelle steals the keys and unlocks the cages. The pilots hear the commotion in the cockpit and the co-pilot takes the gun out of the lockbox and goes to inspect, but Cyrus (the Virus!) immediately takes the gun from him and shoots him. He also shoots a few of the (non-important) prisoners in the mayhem. He goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot to tell ground control that everything is under control.

They make a pitstop in Carson City to pick up some more prisoners. (They have everyone fooled because they're wearing the guards uniforms). Here we meet Garland Greene (Steve Buscemi) a man who "makes the Manson family look like the Partridge family." He killed 30 people in the East Coast. When we are first introduced to him, he has a mask on his face ala Hannibal Lecter and has to be led by poles attached to his armored suit. You think a guy they're treating like that would have the physique like The Rock, (excuse me, Dwayne Johnson), but no, it's scrawny little Steve Buscemi which makes it the most brilliant casting ever! Although probably the worst wrap-sheet of all the prisoners on the plane, he doesn't even engage in any of the chaos (besides Poe and Bubba). He kind of goes off and does his own thing or chats about his creepy stories. One of the hosts on How Did That Get Made? thought maybe he was wrongly accused which was hilarious because he tells this really gruesome story about what he did with one corpse after he killed her. So, no, he was NOT wrongly accused of murdering 30 people!

Pinball has died because they forgot him when the plane took off and he's running, trying to catch it and gets caught in the wheels...IDK, but when Poe and one of the bad guys (I forget who) go down there to inspect, Poe uses the corpse to write a message on Pinball's shirt before they release him. We next cut to a scene where an old couple are stopped at a red light in their car and a bird poops on the windshield and the old man complains about it. We all know what's going to happen next. We see Pinball's body falling from the sky, getting closer and closer to that intersection. The body thumps on the car, leaving a big dent. Now, I don't think you would just get a nice little thump if a body had just fallen thousands and thousands of feet from the sky. There is no way that message would be readable; that body would be obliterated! But because this is a Hollywood film, Larkin gets the message and knows what he needs to do. He steals the DEA douche's fast car and attempts to race the airplane to the next stop...which somehow he manages to do. That is one damn fast car!

So he gets there and meets up with Poe who is keeping up his cover to be part of the bad guy's crew so they don't suspect anything. Garland Greene does his own thing and sits down with a little girl who is playing pretend tea party at a nearby abandoned pool. He joins her and sings a song with her and it's so creepy because you're wondering if he's going to kill her...but he doesn't. Perhaps he's a changed man? The police come, but are not able to thwart the plane from taking off and Poe has hooked the nice sporty car to it and at this time the douchey DEA agent has come and he sees his car being flown in the air and then it crashes into thousands of pieces right in front of him and Larkin is like, "Sorry about your car." Haha!

Oh! I forgot to mention an "important" scene. Okay, so I should say it's Poe's daughter's birthday and he has somehow managed to get her a pink stuffed rabbit from the prison gift shop, I guess. One of the bad guys finds out he's actually a good guy and discovers the bunny when they're in the cargo area together and Poe tells him to "put the bunny down". Okay, I could have SWORN there was a weapon in the bunny like a knife or something. I thought the bunny's head gets ripped off and a knife is discovered by Poe and he kills the bad guy. That never happens. The bunny is never damaged (well, except it's filthy and soaking wet when it does get to the little girl, but it was never torn apart). Poe does kill the guy but not with help from the bunny.

Okay, so they finally land the plane in Las Vegas right in the middle of the Strip and they crash into a hotel and it hits a casino machine and lots of money comes out in the street. Diamond Dog and Cyrus the Virus escape but both are killed in their attempt. All the bad guys are either killed or caught. Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter and it is hilarious that he didn't want to his daughter to see him in jail, but now he's dirty with sweat and blood from all the killing he's done (of all bad guys, but still!) The last scene shows Garland Greene at a casino.

Now I love a good airplane action movie and I have reviewed a few. As far as how I would rank it against the others, I would put it higher than Passenger 57, but lower than Air Force One and Executive Decision. This movie is completely ridiculous and makes no sense, but it's a fun, dumb movie.


Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Off With Your Face!


Face/Off
Director: John Woo
Cast: John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, Joan Allen, Gina Gershon, Alessandro Nivola
Released: June 27, 1997

Oscar nominations:
Best Sound Effects Editing (lost to Titanic (of course it did))


I think if one was given the choice to watch a "face off" between John Travolta and Nicolas Cage or between Bryan Cranston and Giancarlo Esposito, the latter would be chosen every time. At least that's the one I would choose. That episode of Breaking Bad was amazing and this movie is just so awfully laughably bad. I probably saw it fifteen years ago and didn't much care for it then and had no intention of ever seeing it again, but when I saw that the comedy podcast How Did This Get Made?, which reviews ridiculous movies such as this one, had reviewed it (the episode came out in May of last year if you want to look for it), I knew I had to watch it again just to listen to the podcast. I sludged through the two and a half hours (TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF OVERACTING FROM TRAVOLTA AND CAGE!) of this craziness but it was totally worth it to listen to that episode of that podcast. I was laughing so hard; I'm glad I was alone when I listened to it! And of course how could I deny you a review of the movie?  

I'm sure everyone has seen the movie, or at the very least know the basic premise: Travolta and Cage switch faces. Sean Archer (John Travolta) is the good guy. He's an FBI agent and a family man with a wife (Joan Allen) and a teen daughter. Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage) is the bad guy. He's a terrorist, who, along with his brother (Alessandro Nivola), plants a bomb set to go off in a few weeks in L.A. There is history between these two. You see, six years ago, Troy was all set up to kill Archer who was on a carousel with his five year old son. When he takes his aim (and why is he aiming when his target is on a moving object?), he misses Archer (gee you think since he's on a MOVING object?) and only nicks him, but instead kills the kid. While Archer is mourning him (and this time he is off the carousel), you'd think Troy would take the chance to kill him but he doesn't. Because otherwise we wouldn't have a movie! So now we have our characters' backstories! 

We fast forward six years later where Archer is distant from his wife and the daughter is pretty much like Eliza Dushku 2.0 from True Lies where she thinks her dad is really lame. The two sworn enemies are reunited and Archer and his FBI agents have a shoot out with Troy and his minions in an airport hanger with lots of explosions. I laughed so hard when one guy got shot and when he flew back into the wall, you could actually see the wire he was attached to that pulled him back. Troy tells Archer there's a bomb, but won't tell him where it is. This is the first of many face offs (face.....off!) they have. 

Anyway, I'll skip all the boring stuff and get to the good part. Archer thinks Troy has died (he got hurt pretty badly during their, ahem, face off) but he's only in a coma being kept alive by ventilators. Two agents tell Archer they think there's a way that he can stop the bomb and ask him, "What if you could go up to Castor's brother AS Castor" and Archer is all like, "Huh, what are you talking about?" They introduce him to a doctor who says he can do a procedure where he will take Archer's face...wait for it....OFF and then have it replaced with Troy's face. They will also alter his body and give him a haircut so he will match Troy. They are also able to change his voice so he will sound like Troy. (And I'm sure if Travolta tried hard enough, he probably could have done a fine Nicholas Cage impersonation!) The only thing that won't be the same is their blood types....which will be a plot point later! Naturally Archer is hesitant at first, but then he agrees. If this were me, I would say, "Hell, no, you cannot take my face OFF!" (I wonder how many times I'm going to say "face off" in this review?)

I understand they want to find the bomb, but of all the people, why have Archer assume Troy's identify? The guy killed his kid for God's sake and now he's got to look like the man who murdered his son? That has got to have some damaging psychological effects that can never be undone. But I guess he's the best man for the job as he knows the most about Troy and plus the movie just wouldn't be as awesome! 

We see the procedure where the doc effortlessly peels off Archer's face after using a scalpel to cut it and sticks it in a vat of saline or something and does the same with Troy's face and stitches it onto Archer's faceless face. Basically now Nicholas Cage is now playing the part of Sean Archer. He is taken to a very high-security prison that houses the worst of the worst criminals where the other Troy brother is to work on him to see if he can get any information on the bomb.  

MEANWHILE.....apparently the FBI thought Troy was good to be in a coma for a couple more weeks because they just leave him in a room which isn't locked or contained and he isn't chained down or anything in the event he should wake up...which he does! Shocker! Bet you didn't see that one coming! He's not even being guarded! So he wakes up with a bandage on his head and we see a shot of the back of his head as he unwraps the bandage. He touches his face which has been replaced by tissue and blood and bone and whatever else is under your skin and we see blood smeared on his fingers. I'm surprised he didn't scream because I would imagine that would hurt touching your face without the skin. He sees Archer's face in the vat of saline because, you know, it's just sitting there out in the open! Not even under lock and key. Who the hell is running this place? He watches a video of the procedure they did on Archer. You think having his faceless face exposed to the elements would be damaging. He does say he took some pain killers so that explains why he's not screaming in agony. He has access to a phone so we hear him talking to one of his cronies in a muffled voice and they bring the doctor and make him do the procedure with Archer's face now to be put on Troy. The only time we see Troy's faceless face is in the reflection of the doctor's glasses and someone on How Did This Get Made? commented that they put ketchup on Cage's face which is so true because it does look like that. The doctor does the operation, so John Travolta is now playing the part of Castor Troy. He kills the doctor and the two FBI agents who told Archer about the operation, and get this...THOSE THREE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO KNEW THAT ARCHER WAS GOING UNDER THIS PROCUEDURE TO LOOK LIKE TROY AND NOW NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE REALLY IS!!! Hahahaha, I love it. I just love how stupid this movie is.

Between the two actors, I honestly don't know who is worse. They both overact, especially when they play the part of the bad guy. (I guess we should be thankful that they are never both the bad guy at the same time!) It's like Woo told them to give it their usual ten on the scale of overacting, but then drive it up to twenty....which they do. I should mention that Cage was ridiculous and over the top when he was playing Troy and it it HILARIOUS when he is playing Archer pretending to be Troy. But even more hilarious is Travolta. He turns into a total "Whoo!" girl because he is "whoo"-ing all over the place. When he confronts Cage-as-Archer, he says to him, "Whoo-wee, you good-looking!" That line delivery was so hilarious. 

Travolta-as-Troy becomes a hero when he "finds" the planted bomb and defuses it. Margaret Cho is in this movie as an FBI agent and when they're all celebrating she says to Travolta-as-Troy (because Archer is usually a buzzkill), "Sir, did you have surgery?" and he looks worried like she might know something, and then she says, "Did you finally get that stick removed from your ass?" C'mon, would you really say that to your superior who just defused a bomb? It wasn't really Archer and the bomb was never found, but still. Cage-as-Archer sees this on TV and knows he has to escape from prison...which he does with some help and a lot of fighting. He finds out the prison is actually a large barge far from land but he jumps off of it and manages to swim to shore. It cuts from him jumping into the water to dry land where he gets in a car so we never actually see how he got there, but the movie is already two and a half hours long, so I don't care if they didn't show that.

Margaret Cho tells TravoltaTroy that Castor Troy has died and he is happy by this news but when he asks to see the body she tells him it hasn't been recovered and he totally spazzes out and shouts, "It hasn't been RECOVERED yet?" It was so hilarious, but I doubt the movie was going for that.

TravoltaTroy is enjoying the perks of being Archer and starts to romance his "wife" who is surprised by all the attention he's giving to her because the real Archer was always so distant after their son died and was only focused on work. He is not subtle at all at trying to fit into his new identity. (But then again, he was never a subtle terrorist either!) He gets his "daughter's" name wrong (and lusts after her...eww!) and acts all weird and too cool around her. After he beats up a guy who was trying to advance on his  "daughter", he gives her a knife as "protection" in case a guy ever tries to rape her. This will also come in handy later in the movie. 

The most hilarious scene in the movie is when CageArcher goes to Troy's hideaway where he lives with his girlfriend (Gina Gershon) and other cronies and he explains to them that he wants to find "Archer" and take his face....off! And there's repeated lines of "face off?" "Face....off!" So bad, but so hilarious. We find that Troy has a son who is five. He pretty much looks exactly like Archer's son who died (and was also five!) They even pretty much have the same hair cut and color. They are so alike that CageArcher calls him Michael (which was Archer's son's name), but this kid's name is Adam.

CageArcher calls his wife and tells her what is going on but she doesn't believe him, so he goes to his house and she is naturally scared because it looks like the man who murdered her son and is a known terrorist is at her house, but he tells her about the first date they had and tells her to take his blood and get a blood sample from TravoltaTroy and she does and finds out the truth. But by this time, even without the blood sample, you think she would know because TravoltaTroy is now walking around with two goons and you can tell they're bad guys. That Troy guy really does not know how to be subtle whatsoever. 

The two men reunite at the funeral of Archers' boss who TravoltaTroy killed after revealing the truth to him and blaming his death as a heart attack. There's a stand off between the two of them, plus Archer's wife and Troy's girlfriend. Everyone dies except Travolta, Cage, and Allen. There are doves which I guess is a John Woo trademark. The daughter randomly shows up and thinks that TravoltaTroy is her father when she holds a gun at the two fighting men. They each plead at her to shoot the other man. Somehow TravoltaTroy grabs her and has a gun to her head so she knows that's NOT her dad (especially after he licks her face....eww!) and stabs him in the leg with the knife he gave her. He lets go of her and she runs to her mother. The two men continue fighting and somehow end up on speed boats and there's a big boat chase and lots of explosions. Actually, this scene was pretty cool and my favorite action scene of the movie. Another one of my favorite scenes was a few scenes earlier where they are facing off against each other (once again!) and they are back to back with a wall separating them. (It's the one in the above photo). They say the only way to end this is to kill each other, so they get up and face the wall where there is a mirror on each side of the wall so they are looking at a reflection of themselves....as the OTHER person and each aim a gun at the mirror. Oh, the symbolism, I love it!  

So after the boat scene where the boat and two stunt actors go flying fifty feet into the air, CageArcher finally kills TravoltaTroy and gets his face back! He comes home with Adam without discussing this with his wife in advance if she would be okay with adopting the son of the guy who killed HER son and this kid looks EXACTLY like her dead son...so I don't know is she would be down with that, but how can she say no when the kid is standing right there? 

I explain an annoying thing one of the characters does in the movie: