Showing posts sorted by date for query crash. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query crash. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Wednesday, April 1, 2026

Alien Nation

Lilo and Stitch
Directors: Chris Sanders and Dean DuBlois
Voice Talent: Daveigh Chase, Tia Carrere, Ving Rhames, Chris Sanders, David Ogden Stiers, Jason Scott Lee
Released: June 21, 2002
Viewed in theaters: July 15, 2002

Oscar nomination:
Best Animated Movie (lost to Spirited Away)


Lilo and Stitch is an animated Disney movie I like and enjoy very much, but I wouldn't put it in my top ten of favorite animated Disney movies of all time. Perhaps it would crack the top 20 or 25 and that's pretty good considering there's 64 animated Disney movies (a quick Google search helped me answer that). It is my favorite animated Disney movie from the aughts (that's what we call the decade spanning from 2000-2009, right?) although I haven't seen all the animated Disney movies from that era (the post-Disney Renaissance era I believe it's called), but something tells me Chicken Little or Home on the Range (which I haven't seen) aren't going to change my mind.

The directors, Chris Sanders and Dean DuBlois, would go on to direct one of my favorite (non-Disney) animated movies that would come out eight years later: How to Train Your Dragon. There's actually a few similarities between the two movies with a misunderstood character befriending an unusual creature. 

Before you ask, I do plan to do a review of the live action Lilo and Stitch that came out last year. I thought about doing them in the same review, but decided against it. 

Lilo and Stitch is a bit of a departure from other Disney animated movies that are often taken from tales and stories that have already been written or told. This movie was completely created by the director (and the voice of Stitch), Chris Sanders. According to Wikipedia, he had had the idea for Stitch and the story since 1981. I have to hand it to him; can you imagine coming up with one of the most beloved Disney characters? My ten-year-old niece absolutely loves him. 

Stitch starts the movie as Experiment 626. (Hmmm....I should've waited until June 26 to post this! I did notice the movie was released on June 21...they couldn't wait until the 26th? I asked Google what day that was and it was a Wednesday, so I guess they went with the Friday before that.) 

On the planet Turo, an alien scientist named Dr. Jumba Jookiba (voiced by David Ogden Stiers with a heavy Russian accent) has created Experiment 626. According to Jumba, this newly created alien "is bulletproof, fireproof, and can think faster than supercomputer. He can see in the dark and move objects 3,000 times his size. His only instinct, to destroy everything he touches." Okay, then, what exactly is the point of creating this monstrosity? This seems super dangerous. 

The other aliens seem to agree with me. There is a council of aliens led by the Grand Councilwoman who believes Experiment 626 is "an affront to nature and must be destroyed." The Councilwoman asks the strange blue creature to give them some sign that he understands what's going on and this is when he says those strange words, "Meegla nala kweesta!" I looked this up on Google translate (just kidding; I just Googled what it meant); it means "I will destroy." Even if I didn't know that, it was pretty obvious he said something pretty horrific because all the aliens look shook to the core and one of the aliens (who looks like a robot...perhaps he was also created by Jumba) starts throwing up nuts and bolts and that made me laugh. 

The Council decides to banish him "to exile on a desert asteroid." While he is being held, the small but powerful alien is able to escape. The aliens are able to trace where he's heading and they discover it's "a planet called Ee-arth." The Councilwoman demands an expert on the planet. (Surely, she's at least heard of Earth, right?) When she is told that most of Earth is covered in water, she comments, "He won't survive in water. His molecular density is too great." Okay, what are the odds that there would be TWO movies in 2002 where aliens have an aversion to water?*

We see on the computer monitor that he's getting closer to a group of islands (clearly Hawaii) and will land on solid ground in a little over three hours. The Councilwoman's solution? "We have to gas the planet." Gee, that's a little extreme! Agent Pleakley, the earth aficionado, tells her to hold off on that thought: "Earth is a protected wildlife preserve. They've been using it to rebuild the mosquito population which is an endangered species." Hmm, something tells me wherever he got his information from was very, very wrong, but it is pretty funny thinking of the mosquito as an endangered species. 

Pleakley shoots down all the (awful) idea the Councilwoman has to extract Experiment 626 before she decides to enlist Jumba to get him back. After all, who better to retrieve the alien than the scientist who created it? The Earth expert will also be joining him. Jumba had been sent to prison but the Councilwoman tells him they "are willing to trade [his] freedom for [Experiment 626's] capture." 

Luckily, all this outer space stuff is the first five minutes of the movie and now we'll be spending the rest of our time in Hawaii where we meet the other half of our duo, Lilo (voiced by Daveigh Chase), a young girl (I'm guessing she's around eight?) who lives with her older sister, Nani (voiced by Tia Carrere). Nani is also Lilo's guardian because their parents died in a car accident. I'm guessing Nani is at least eighteen. I guess she'd have to be if she can be her younger sister's guardian! 

Lilo is late for her hula dance class. She's dripping water all over because she's just been in the ocean and this causes all the other young dancers to slip. Her instructor asks her why she is drenched (duh, obviously she's been in the water!) and she replies, "It's sandwich day." I love how it's Lilo who sighs irritably when he gives her a puzzled look, when really, it should be the dance instructor giving the irritated sigh as one of his students has arrived late and has made the other dances slip and fall because she's trailing in water. Lilo continues with her excuse: "Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich..." She says they were out of peanut butter and and when she asked her sister what she should give him, she said a tuna sandwich. That Nani has a sick, twisted mind! Lilo says she'd be "an abomination" if she gave Pudge tuna and she's "late because [she] had to go to the store and get peanut butter." (Really? That's the reason she's late? It's not the fact that she went out in the ocean to feed a fish? Also, how does she find this particular fish? Is it always in the same spot?) This dance instructor has the patience of a saint. He asks her why this is so important and she tells him, "Pudge controls the weather." One of Lilo's classmates, a little redheaded girl with glasses named Mertle Edmonds (who's a real b*tch), tells her, "You're crazy!" Lilo does not take so kindly to this and pounces on her and starts punching her in the face. 

When the teacher gets her off of the other girl, Lilo immediately apologizes. Let me emphasize that she's apologizing to her teacher, not the girl she just pummeled. But Mertle probably wouldn't have accepted Lilo's apology anyway. The teacher has Lilo wait outside and tells her he called her sister and she should wait there until Nani comes to get her. When the class ends, Lilo sees the other girls walking home with their dolls. She joins them and when she asks if they're going to play dolls, they all hide their dolls behind their backs. Mertle sneers at her, "You don't have a doll." Now I usually don't condone violence, but this girl is a l'il b*tch and probably deserved to have her face smashed in by Lilo. Lilo takes out her version of a doll, a bean bag shaped thing with button eyes and a stitched mouth and a bow on top. She introduces them to Scrump and tells them she made her. All the girls gasp in horror like she's the little girl from The Ring. **

She says a few more things about her doll and when she looks up, all the girls have gone. In a really heartbreaking scene, she throws her doll on the ground and stomps off, but then quickly turns back to collect the doll, hugging it. 

Nani arrives at the dance school and doesn't see her sister. She runs home and on the way there, a car almost runs into her. She screams at the driver, "Hey! Watch where you're going!" and kicks the bumper and calls the driver "stupid head." She'll soon realize this was't the smartest thing to do.

When she reaches the house, the front door is locked and she pokes her head through the doggy door and sees Lilo lying on the floor listening to "Heartbreak Hotel." (We'll soon find out that Lilo is quite the Elvis aficionado.) Nani reminds her "the social worker's going to be here any minute" and Lilo tells her to go away, then increases the volume on the record player. (Yes, she listening to a record player! Lilo likes vinyl!) 

The reason yelling at the driver wasn't the smartest thing for Nani to do is because the driver of that car just so happens to be the social worker (voiced by Ving Rhames). He comes up the stairs while Nani is still half inside the house through the doggy door. Lilo has actually nailed the door shut (seems a little extreme for a little girl to do!) and Nani grabs a hammer to take out the nails. As she's doing that, she says to Lilo, "You are so finished when I get in there! I'm going to stuff you in the blender, push "puree", then bake you into a pie and feed it to the social worker." The social worker in question is now by her legs protruding from the doggy door and has heard every word she just uttered. Nani continues, "And when he says, "Mmm, this is great? What's your secret? I'm going to say..." At this point, the social worker hooks his foot on her legs and pulls her out and she looks up at him and says, "Love...and nurturing." She nervously says to the man, "You must be the..." and he answers for her, "The stupid head." Not a great start with the social worker, there! And it will continue to not be so great. 

He introduces himself as Mr. Bubbles and asks Nani if she's going to invite him in and she tells him she thought they could sit out on the front stoop and talk, but he's not having it. She tells him to follow her and they go around back and she tells him to wait there while she runs around to the side of the house. I'm sure Mr. Bubbles can sniff the bulls*t already! There is a hilarious moment where, while he is waiting, he hears glass breaking, something crashing, the record player scratching quickly followed by the sound of the music stopping and Lilo whining, "Hey!" I love this scene and it makes me laugh because the audience doesn't see any thing that just happened...the camera was on Bubbles the whole time (which seemed to only take about five seconds!). The door opens and Nani is panting with sweaty strands of hair in her face. She offers some lemonade to Bubbles. 

He comes in and asks her, "Do you often leave your sister home alone?" She tells him never, except just this once because she had to run to the store. They're in the kitchen and he looks at the stove which has four pots cooking something on each burner and the counter is full of disgusting dirty dishes Bubbles asks her, "You left the stove on while you were out?" 

Luckily a distraction in the form of Lilo comes in and Nani introduces her to Mr. Bubbles. He extends out a hand for her to shake and Lilo comments, "Your knuckles say Cobra." He asks her if she's happy and she tells him, "I'm adjusted. I eat four food groups and look both ways before crossing the street." It's clear that this is a rehearsed speech and we see Nani behind Bubbles (I'm not sure if I should call him "Bubbles" or "Cobra"; they're both equally ridiculous, so I'll just stick with "Bubbles") signaling to Lilo what to say. Lilo also adds that she "gets disciplined" when Nani holds up her fists. I think she's holding them up in triumph for Lilo following the script, but she should have just given her a thumbs up. She did not intend for Lilo to say she gets disciplined! Nani holds up her palm, trying to stop her and Lilo takes this as she "gets disciplined five times a day with a brick." I'm not sure where she's getting punished by a brick with Nani just holding up her hand. Of course, she could just be being a little sh*t because that's what Lilo is at times. 

Before he leaves, Bubbles tells Nani something she already knows: "This did not go well." He adds that he is "giving her three days to change [his] mind." 

The two sisters get into a shouting match when Nani asks Lilo if she understands she could be taken away. Lilo stomps up to her room and screams into a pillow while Nani simultaneosy screams into a pillow on the living room couch. Some time has elapsed and a much more calm Nani brings up some pizza for Lilo and she tells her she shouldn't have yelled at her and Lilo replies, "We're sisters. It's our job." She also adds, "I like you better as a sister than a mom." 

The lights go off and they hear a booming noise in the distance. Lilo goes to her window and sees what she thinks is "a falling star." She shoos her sister out of her room so she can make a wish. Nani opens the door to overhear Lilo saying a little prayer by her bed and asking God or TPTB to "send me an angel...the nicest angel you have." 

There's a funny juxtaposition to Stitch (as you may have guessed, the crash the girls (and I'm sure everyone else within a 50 mile radius) heard was Stitch's spaceship crash landing) who is standing on a pile of rocks looking like a devil. His six legs have their sharp claws protruded, his eyes are narrowed, and he has a demonic smile and laughs manically with a big plume of smoke behind him. 

He has a laser gun and when a couple drops of rain plop down, he shoots at them until it's full on pouring. A couple of trucks that are connected run him over and because he is indestructible he doesn't get smooshed...too bad. The driver stops to see what he hit and finds the strange creature jammed above the tire and calls the animal shelter. Stitch wakes up in a kennel he's sharing with three dogs who are all in a corner cowering and terrified of the strange creature. One dog is even covering his eyes with his paws. Stitch goes to get his laser but finds he no longer has it. 

It just so happens that Nani happens to be at the shelter with Lilo and we hear her say, "We're looking for something that can defend itself...something that won't die...something sturdy, you know?" I found "something that won't die" a bit strange for her to say. Does she think she's getting a goldfish? I would assume when you're getting a dog you expect it to live for a good while so that was just an odd thing to say. While they're talking, Stitch scuttles across the ceiling and out the door where a red laser immediately points at him and he goes back inside and crawls along the ceiling and into the back room without anyone noticing him. As you may have guessed, Jumba was the one pointing his laser gun at him. 

Lilo is allowed to go back into the backroom to choose a dog and she doesn't see any because they're all hiding in the rafters from Stitch. He sees a poster of a little girl hugging a dog with the message "Adopt today" and disguises himself to be more doglike so he retracts his extra pair of arms, he gets rid of the spiny things on his back, and hides the antenna on his head. While it helps him not look so strange, he still doesn't look like a dog to me. Later, Nani will liken him to an "evil koala" and that comparison makes more sense. He really does sort of resemble a koala...at least more than a dog. 

Okay, I need to pause here because I just realized I've been doing something without noticing until now. I've been calling Stitch "Stitch". Yes, I know that's his name, but remember, he technically hasn't been named "Stitch" yet (though he will soon). I think he's just so engraved in pop culture that he's always just been Stitch. It's hard to forget for the first twenty-five minutes of the movie he's just known as Experiment 626. Now I could go back and just change all my "Stitch" mentions to "Experiment 626" but eh, I just decided to write this explanation and you can read why I was calling him "Stitch" before he got the name. C'est la vie. 

Stitch appears in front of Lilo who says "hi" and he sounds out the word and hugs her. Being that he can talk and he's the only "dog" around, Lilo is adamant about getting him, but Nani is not so sure. When the woman filling out the forms asks Lilo what she wants to name her new dog, she decides on Stitch. The woman tells her, "Now that's not a real name," but Nani quickly quiets her and she adds, "In Iceland." Why would this woman, who I assume has helped many people adopt dogs at this animal shelter, tell a kid that the name she picked is not a real name? Surely she has seen many kids name their dog something out of the ordinary. I would think she would know not to tell them that the name the chose isn't "a real name." Also, she's a bespectacled redhead so I wonder if she's Mertle's mom? It would make sense: they both look alike and neither have people skills. 

Stitch costs Lilo (who bothers the money from her sister) $2. I have to say, that's a steal. I got my cat, Milo (who just celebrated his 19th birthday!), in 2007 for $125. 

Jumba and Peakley are situated on a hill and when Stitch sets foot outdoors, the laser is pointed at him, but he starts barking and Lilo steps outside beside him. Jumba is about to take his shot, but Peakley grabs the laser from him and tells him, " I have just determined this situation to be far too hazardous!" Angry that Experiment 626 is using this girl as a shield, Jumba starts down the hill, ready to charge the blue alien, but Peakley tells him they cannot be seen and that they "have to blend in." 

Nani tells Lilo she has to go to work (she's a waitress at a restaurant) and reminds her to "stick around town and stay out of the roads." Now I don't think we're ever told Lilo's age, but she can't be no older than eight. (Of course she is an animated characters...I can barely tell the age of kids in real life!) She seems a little young to be left by herself without a baby-sitter, let alone allowing to be running around the island town they live in as long as she doesn't leave the town. Oh, well, I guess I shouldn't question an animated movie about an alien that looks like an evil koala. 

Lilo goes outside and runs into the girls from her dance class on their Big Wheels with that b*tch Mertle Edmonds leading the pack. Lilo apologizes to her for what happened previously, but Mertle says, "Apology not accepted." Stitch walks over to her and Mertle shrieks. Lilo tells them, "I got a new dog. His name is Stitch." Mertle, the Little B*tch (TM) tells her, "That is the ugliest thing I have ever saw." Well, Mertle, have you looked in a mirror? You're no prize yourself. Stitch walks over to the Big Wheel she was riding in and dumps her out of it and starts riding away and Lilo jumps on behind him. I love how this movie doesn't give an eff about how absurd it is as times. Because it already knows it's an absurd movie. I loved Mertle's "Wahhhhh! Wahhhh!" cries. 

Stitch is driving the Big Wheel everywhere but is frustrated when he keeps finding water. It's when Lilo says, "It's nice to live on an island with no large cities" that he realizes there's no escape. I'm not really sure what he's trying to find; I assume a way to escape, but where does he plan to go? Well, for now he's stuck with Lilo on this island! 

That evening, they go to the restaurant Nani works at. A friend/possible love interest of hers, David, also works there and Lilo shows him her new dog. She adds, "He used to be a collie before he got ran over." I'm not really sure where she got that information! Jumba and Peakley are also sitting nearby. They've disguised themselves but it's hilarious because you can tell they're still aliens. Jumba has four tiny eyes while Peakley has this one huge eye in the middle of his head. They try to lure Stitch away from his table with a piece of chicken tied to a rope which he follows. Stitch absolutely loves food. Nani had brought two pieces of cake, one for Lilo and one for Stitch (who brings a dog a piece of cake?) and Stitch eats both pieces. He realizes he shouldn't have done then when Lilo gives an incredulous "Hey!" He hacks up both pieces and digs in his throat to add the cherry on top. Ewww. That's my response and Lilo's response! Anyway, he follows the piece of chicken and Jumba grabs him and there's a big fight. Nani sees this as Stitch attacking patrons and throws a punch at him. Her boss comes up to her and asks her if that's her dog, then tells her it's not working out and she leaves. When Lilo asks her if she lost her job "because of Stitch and me", Nani tells her no and adds that her manager is a vampire "and he wanted me to join his legion of the undead." 

This is the first time Stitch is seeing the house even though he's been with Lilo nearly all day. Lilo tells him he'll like his new home a lot. She shows him a pillow and he starts tearing it apart. Well, at least he acts like a dog! Nani thinks they should take him back and doesn't think he's a dog. Yes, exactly! How can anyone think that's a dog? Lilo replies, "He's just cranky because it's his bedtime."

Nani still wants to take him back and I can't really blame her because he's wrecking havoc around their house. He's scratching the walls and turning on the blender and making a mess. Lilo tells her, "He was an orphan and we adopted him. What about "ohana"? Nani tells her he hasn't been with them that long and Lilo replies, "Neither have I. Dad said 'Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." She totally guilt trips her sister into letting Stitch stay. I do understand where Lilo is coming from. They've only had Stitch for one day. I think it's only fair they give it time before they just give up and send him back, but I don't agree with her comparing herself to Stitch when she told Nani she hasn't been with her that long. Lilo, girl, there's a huge difference between you, Nani's sister, and some "dog" you just adopted from the animal shelter. 

Lilo takes Stitch upstairs to her room and shows him a little dog bed on the floor next to her bed, but he wants her bed instead. Heh, reminds me of my cat. Not only does he sleep on my bed, but he wants to sleep on my pillows...the same ones where I'm resting my head! Stitch moves her pillows and sees a photo of Lilo's parents that Lilo is quite possessive of. She grabs the photo and tells him, "Be careful of that! You don't touch this! Don't ever touch it!" With all due respect to Lilo, maybe she should keep that picture in a more secure place. 

Jumba and Peakley are spending their first night on Earth camping outside. Peakley is excited when a mosquito lands on him and says, "This mosquito has chosen me as her perch." Then another one, and another one, and soon he's covered with a swarm of them.  "They like me! They're nuzzling my flesh with their noses!" He's all happy until he's not and screams in horror. It's a humorous scene because we're about to get a sad scene.

Back at the house, while Lilo is sleeping, Stitch is going through Lilo's bookshelf. One of them has the title "Roadmaps of Iowa" and I have so many questions. Why is this in the room of a little girl who lives in Hawaii and can't even drive? Were her parents planning on taking their daughters to visit Iowa and they were going to drive around the state? Maybe when you live in Hawaii, you want to visit a mundane state like Iowa. (I can say that because my parents are both from Iowa and many of my family members live there so it's basically like my second home state.) It was just so random! At first I thought that maybe one of the directors might be from Iowa, but when I looked them up I found Sanders is from Colorado and DuBlois is from Quebec. Because he has no decency for other people's property, Stitch is just tearing out pages of the books he's looking at. The fourth book he takes off the shelf has a drawing of a duck on the cover. He wakes Lilo and points at an illustration in the book. She tells him, "That's The Ugly Duckling." The page he's pointing to shows the duck crying, "I'm lost!" and looking distressed. Lilo explains to him, "See? He's sad because he's all alone and nobody wants him." The camera pans over to the next page where the duck is shown literally reunited with his family. Gee, that got resolved awfully quickly! No suspense at all! That made me laugh. Lilo explains this much happier page (right next to the super sad page! Now that's whiplash for your emotions!) to Stitch: "But on this page, his family hears him crying and they find him. Then the Ugly Duckling is happy because he knows where he belongs." I think we just figured out the theme to this movie! 

The next day Cobra Bubbles comes back to the house a tells Nani he heard she lost her job. She tells him she quit because "the hours are just not conducive to the challenge of raising a child." Stitch throws a book at him and when he asks what "that thing" is, Lilo delightfully exclaims, "My puppy!" He tells her the next time he comes, he wants her dog to become "a model citizen." 

Now I should mention that for some unexplained reason, Lilo is a huge fan of the King. I mentioned earlier she was listening to Elvis when she had locked her sister out of the house and she discovers if she hooks Stitch up to the record player and open his mouth, it will play her Elvis record. We get a montage of Elvis singing "Devil in Disguise" (a perfect song for Stitch!) as Nani is looking for a new job. At the same time, Lilo is teaching Stitch to be a "model citizen." (Why a pet needs to be a model citizen is beyond me. Pets can't understand that concept!) Lilo takes out a photograph of Elvis and tells Stitch, "Elvis Presley was a model citizen. I've compiled a list of his traits for you to practice." What made me laugh is that the picture was a real-life picture of Elvis; it wasn't a cartoon drawing of him. It reminded me of when they would use real life photographs on South Park. The traits Stitch learns includes dancing and playing the guitar. I have no idea how this is supposed to make him a "model citizen." Hey, Lilo, how about you tell your "dog" not to throw things at people? 

Everytime Nani finds a possible new job prospect, it gets ruined because of Stitch causing shenanigans. 

 

David takes the sisters and Stitch surfing while Jumba and Pleakley spy on them. Jumba is wondering why Stitch is willing to go into the water. They decide to investigate and go out into the water and while surfing through a giant wave, Jumba appears through the water and grabs Stitch who's at the back of the board. 

This disrupts the balance and the girls fall off and pop up in the water. Stitch also pops up and Jumba grabs him from underwater. Stitch starts to panic when he's taken under and takes Lilo with him. David and Nani dive down and Jumba lets go of Stitch and hides in the murky water. Nani kicks Stitch so he lets go of Lilo and she brings her up to the surface. Stitch is sinking, but David manages to grab him.  

Cobra Bubbles is on the beach (he always seems to be around at the worst times) and Nani tries to explain what happened. He tells her "I know you're trying, but you need to think about what's best for Lilo. Even if it removes you from the pictures." He tells her he'll be back tomorrow morning for Lilo. 

After the two sister leave, David says to Stitch (I love that Lilo just leaves her new pet behind, but I get it was done for purposes), "I really believed they had a chance...then you came along." At least Stitch has the decency to look guilty. 

Stitch finds a photo of Lilo and Nani with their parents and Lilo explains her parents died in a car crash when it was raining. She asks, "What happened to yours?" Then it gets really sad when she tells him, "I hear you cry at night. Do you have dreams about them?" She tells him their family is small and they don't have many toys, "but if you want, you could be part of it." Stitch grabs The Ugly Duckling from his bed and starts to head to the window. She tells him their family's motto: "Ohana means family. "Family" means nobody gets left behind. But if you want to leave, you can." He hops out the window and a sad Lilo tells him, "I'll remember you though...I remember everyone who leaves." Of course she's looking at a photo of her dead parents as she's saying this. Damnit, Lilo, stop making me cry! 

The first time we hear Stitch speak actual English is about an hour into the movie when he opens the book outside to the page he had shown Lilo earlier. He attempts to say "I'm lost", just like the little duckling had uttered. 

Meanwhile, the Councilwoman has been keeping tabs on the Earthbound aliens to see if they've captured 626 yet. When she is not satisfied with their answer, she tells them they'll be "prison bound" and that she will be sending Captain Gantu. We met Captain Gantu at the beginning of the movie and he's a giant, intimidating alien who looks like he has a shark head and elephant hooves. And when I say he's giant, he's easily as tall as a tree. 

After receiving the threatening call, Jumba sneaks up on Stitch (who is reading the book) with a ray gun and tells him to come with him. Stitch tells him he's waiting for his family (like the Ugly Duckling) and Jumba tells him he doesn't have one because he (Stitch) was created by Jumba himself. The way Stitch drops his face is so sad! He says, "Maybe...I could", but Jumba tells him, You're built to destroy. You can never belong." Seriously, why would you make something that was meant to destroy everything so adorable? Stitch runs away. 

This has all happened in one night and the next morning a sad Lilo tells a sad Nani that Stitch is gone and that it's good he is gone because "he didn't want to be here, anyway." 

David arrives and tells Nani that he thinks he found her a job. Apparently she has to leave with him right now for the interview and she tells Lilo to "stay here for a few minutes", meaning their house. 

Soon after Nani leaves with David, a very scared Stitch runs into the houses. Jumba also barges in and tells him, "Hiding behind your little friend won't work anymore." Now that his freedom is on the line, Jumba is ready to destroy anyone and anything in his path. 

Stitch is scattering on top of the ceiling as Jumba is shooing his ray gun (or whatever kind of inter-galatical weapon he has) and from outside Pleakley can see the roof being destroyed. Stitch's super strength is demonstrated when he picks up Jumba (who looks like he has a few extra pounds on him) and throws him out the window, thus destroying the house even more. 

Pleakley shows up to make sure Lilo is okay. While he's distracting Jumba, Lilo calls Mr. Bubbles and tells him, "Aliens are attacking my house. They want my dog!" During that, Stitch throws a Volkswagen and exclaims "Punch buggy!" as he hits Jumba with it. 

Somehow the entire house ends up just exploding. Lilo and Pleakley make it out, but Stitch and Jumba were still inside, but managed to survive. No surprise about Stitch since he's indestructible. 

Nani is done with her interview and she has gotten the job, though I'm sure in a few short minutes she's soon going to regret leaving Lilo alone (though I don't think Nani could have stopped any of this even if she was there). When she steps outside, she sees a firetruck racing right by her. Once it turns in the direction of her house, she knows it's headed there. She runs back to see Lilo describing one of the aliens to Mr. Bubbles who puts her in his car. Lilo just scoots across the seat and opens the door on the other side and runs away into the woods when she realizes that she's being taken away from her sister. 

Stitch finds her and shows her the photo of her and her sister with their parents he founds in the wreckage. She takes it and tells him, "You ruined everything." I mean, she's not technically wrong.

Stitch shows her his true alien self...the tentacles, the extra pair of arms, the weird spiny thing on his back. All this confirms to Lilo is that he is "one of them" and she tells him to "get out of here." In the distance, Gantu shoots a gun at them and captures them in a large net. They must live in a lowly populated area because nobody sees to notice this gigantic extra terrestrial just roaming around their island, easily taller than the tree line. Is nobody even concerned about this? 

Nani can't miss him when she's looking for Lilo and screams when she sees him (which would be the same reaction I would have!). She scurries behind a tree and sees him drop Lilo and Stitch into a glass capsule and attaches it to a space ship, calling Lilo "a little snack". Stitch manges to somehow squeeze out of it and falls to the ground before the ship gets too far off the ground, but Lilo is still in there which must be terrifying for Nani. 

She demands Stitch to start talking and tell her where Lilo's headed, but before he can say anything, he's captured by Jumba. She asks them where Lilo is and Jumba pretends not to know who she is talking about. Nani shouts at them, describing her sister and at the end, adds, "and she hangs around with that thing!" while pointing at Stitch. She demands them to bring her back and Peakley tells her they can't do that because it would be "a misuse of Galactic resources" and Jumba tells her they're just there to get Stitch. Okay, I just thought of something random: do you think Jumba was molded after Jabba the Hut? They're both fat, ugly aliens and Jumba does sound similar to Jabba. 

Nani falls to the ground, sobbing. Jumba tells the other two aliens to follow him, but Stitch walks over to her and repeats Lilo's family mantra: "Ohana means 'family'...family means 'Nobody gets left behind.'" It doesn't take much convincing (like none at all) but Stitch persuades Jumba to help them rescue Lilo. 

They get into a spaceship that is much bigger than the one Gantu is navigating (you'd think the giant alien would control the larger spacecraft) and once he realizes he's being followed, be starts shooting lasers at them as they dodge him. 

Then we get this whole ridiculous scene where Stitch is trying to save Lilo. It involves him crashing onto land, then he hijacks a semi and drives it into a volcano where the lava sprays him up on Gantu's ship. I have to admit, all the outer space stuff makes my eyes glaze over. He rescues Lilo and it's kinda weird because he's holding her in his arms, almost like a romantic thing a couple would do. She says, "You came back" and he kisses her on the cheek and tells her, "Nobody gets left behind." I wish they had done this so it wasn't....so weird.

They crash into the ocean, but are brought back to the shore where all the characters are there to meet them: the Councilwoman, Bubbles, David. Stitch is told he has to go in the ship, but the Councilwoman allows him to say his goodbyes. He introduces the two sisters as his family. He has to go because that is their planet's law. Bubbles thinks of a loophole and reminds Lilo that she bought Stitch at the animal shelter and she understands what he's implying. She runs up to the councilwoman and shows her the receipt of when she bough Stitch for two dollars (which she just so happened to conveniently have because she's always wearing the same dress!) and tells the alien, "I own him. If you take him, you're stealing." 

This seems to satisfy the Councilwoman. She grabs Stitch and announces, "This creature has been sentenced to life in exile, a sentence that shall be henceforth served out here on Earth." She adds that his new family is "now under the official protection of the United Galactic Fedearation" and they'll be "checking in now and then." 

We find out Bubbles was part of the CIA and had met the Councilwoman in Rosewell in 1973. In a full circle moment, we discover he's the one who convinced an alien race that mosquitoes were an endangered species. Haha, so I have to tell you something amusing. After I write my review, I'll proofread it to make sure my grammar is correct and I'm using the correct words. Sometimes I type so fast that the autofill will automatically put in a different word that I intended to use. While proofreading this last paragraph, it had read "mosquitoes were an endeared species." Ha! Mosquitoes? An endeared species? It's funny because it's so not true. 

The Councilwoman boards her spaceship to head back to Turo. Before she does, she tells her crew to make sure Peakley and Jumba don't board the same ship. I thought this meant they would just take another spacecraft back to their home planet, but they seem to stay on Earth. The movie ends with them helping Lilo, Nani, Stitch, David, and Mr. Bubbles rebuilding the house as Wynona Judd sings a cover of Burning Love. (Lord, almighty, I feel my temperature rising...), then we see a montage of clips and photos from around the year. The one with all of them (including Bubbles, David, and Peakley and Jumba) at the Thanksgiving table with Stitch presenting a turkey had me cracking up. I think this is because it's a take on a famous Norman Rockwell painting as you can see:



*The other movie from 2002 about aliens having an aversion to water was Signs. I'm pretty sure 99% of people reading this already knew that, or maybe I just assumed that most people know that because I feel like that is common movie knowledge. In fact, I would assume that was the more obvious movie about aliens' aversion to water as everyone seems to bring up what a stupid plot point it is (I need to review that movie someday!) whereas I think it's easy to forget about in Lilo and Stitch

**I made this stupid joke because Daveigh Chase, who voiced Lilo, was the creepy little girl demon (or whatever she's supposed to be) in The Ring

Monday, September 1, 2025

Lohanissance

Freakier Friday
Director: Nisha Ganatra
Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Lee Curtis, Julia Butters, Sophia Hammons, Manny Jacinto, Chad Michael Murray, Mark Harmon, Vanessa Bayer
Released: August 8, 2025
Viewed in theaters: August 13, 2025


When I reviewed the 1976 Freaky Friday and its 2003 remake almost ten years ago, I said that the 2003 version was far superior and I still stand by that. I really like the 2003 movie with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis and was excited when I found out there would be a sequel and of course I had to see it. While I did enjoy it, the original (as in the 2003 film, not the '76 movie just so we're clear!) is still better. One thing I didn't know about the 2003 version (or maybe I did know, but just forgot, but it wasn't something I mentioned in my review) is that they asked Jodie Foster to play the mom, but she passed. To be honest, I'm kind of glad she did. For one thing, I can't see anyone as the mom but Jamie Lee Curtis. (Though I also learned that Annette Bening was originally cast as the mom, but had to drop out.) Jodie Foster is a great actress (she's got two Oscars!), but she's not known for her comedic roles. Silence of the Lambs?? Definitely not a comedy! The Accused? Have you seen that? Most definitely not a comedy! I've never seen Contact or Nell (I know, deep cuts there), but I'm guessing those aren't comedies either! It would have been fun if they had done a reverse Panic Room and Jodie Foster had a cameo as someone on the phone...or even as a patient of Tess's. (I call it a reverse Panic Room because Nicole Kidman was supposed to be in that movie, but wasn't able to, so she had a cameo on the phone as Jodie's character's ex's new wife.) So yeah, I'm glad they kept the two Freaky Friday movies separate...as they should be! 

Freakier Friday shares a lot of DNA with its 2003 counterpart. In the first movie, Tess (Jamie Lee Curtis) is getting married and in this movie, Anna (Lindsay Lohan) is getting married! Like, could they at least try to come up with something new? Freakier Friday is a little more convoluted because it involves four people who get body swapped, but it's really not that complicated; it just sometimes doesn't make sense. Having Anna and Tess switch bodies like they did in the first movie, really wouldn't make sense since Anna is in her 30s now. Both women are mothers and are responsible adults with jobs...it would be a bit of a boring movie if they switched again. No, we need to bring in some more teens. Anna has a daughter, Harper (Julia Butters), who she's raising as a single parent, but Tess is helping her co-parent her (I think that's the word she used). I don't remember if they said how old she is, but I'm guessing she's probably supposed to be fifteen, like Anna was in the first movie. There's a new girl at school who Harper can't stand. Lily (Sophie Hammons) is British and she acts like she's better than everyone else and brags about her French model boyfriend (who, spoiler alert, isn't real). The girls get into a fight during a science experiment and ruin the classroom and Anna and Lily's dad, Eric (Manny Jacinto) are both called to the school for their daughter's behavior and it's pretty much love at first sight. It's pretty ridiculous and the movie knows it as the teacher calls a restaurant for them and sets them up on a date. We then get a obligatory montage of them going on dates and falling in love until they're engaged and neither girl is thrilled about this, obviously. I much prefer the original when Tess was already engaged to Ryan. I understand why they did it this way, but it's ridiculous these two people are moving this fast. 

So throughout about the first third of the movie, it was driving me crazy because I was trying to place who Eric was. I knew I recognized him from some show or movie I had seen him in. Then, it suddenly hit me that he looked an awful lot like Jason from The Good Place and when I got home that was indeed him. I think it took me awhile to place him because this character is so different from his character in The Good Place (and if you've seen that show, you know what I mean!) and he has a British accent (for some reason) in this one. At first, I thought they made him British since maybe the actress who plays his daughter is British in real life, but no, she's American. There is a plot point where the two adults are wondering if they should move to London or stay in Los Angeles. Can't they just make Lily and her dad be from New York? It's still a long way to move. 

So the way the switch happens is when everyone's at Anna's bachelorette party and a palm reader named Madame Jen (played by Vanessa Bayer) is there as a fun little novelty. Well, turns out her powers are stronger than she even knows and after reciting some mantra (which I can't remember because I've only seen this movie once (I usually am able to watch my movies on streaming platforms so I can watch with subtitles!), an earthquake appears that only the four females can feel and Anna and Tess share a look like, I hope that's not what we think it is, then both shake their heads. They both clearly have PTSD from what happened 22 years ago! 

So of course the switch happens at midnight and like I mentioned before, it's a little more convoluted than the first movie, but really not that convoluted. Anna and Harper have switched bodies. This makes sense that Anna, now a mother, has switched bodies with her daughter as she was the daughter who switched bodies with her mother in the first movie. But for some inexplicable reason, Tess and Lily switch places. Okay, I get that they don't want Tess and Anna switching bodies again because it's more fun when a kid is an adults body and vice versa and Anna and Harper make sense switching bodies, so that leaves only Tess and Lily to switch bodies, but yeah, I'm sorry, it makes no f***ing sense. Maybe I need to dig deeper to see if I can find a podcast or review that will make me change my mind about that, but I haven't come across anything so far. 

So now Tess and Anna are in the bodies of the two teenaged girls and while they're trying to remain calm and are discussing that they need to find Madame Jen, in the background we see Harper and Lily, now in the bodies of the two adult women run across the room and smack right into each other. Seeing Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan repeat this scene from the first is a really funny callback to the first movie...BUT it really doesn't make sense. If Harper is in her mom's body, then why would she try to collide with Lily who's in her grandmother's body? Yeah, makes no sense. 

I do think the way this scene was done in the first movie is way better and much funnier. There's also the fact that it was just two people and they were freaking out, but also knew they couldn't tell anybody what had happened. In this movie, Harper and Lily are freaked out, but they don't seem that freaked out to me. In fact, both teen girls in their adult women bodies seem to think this might be a great way for them to get what they want: have their parents break up. 

So the high school girls spend their day trapped in the bodies of older women (one, a woman in her mid-thirties, and another in her late sixties, but knowing high school kids, they probably think anyone over the age of 28 is ancient!) and the two grown ups spend their day as teen girls.

Anna and Tess, trapped in the body of the high school students have some amusing moments, but we're really here to watch Lohan and Curtis, so I'll just quickly try to remember as much as I can from their day: they go to school and are sent to detention and I can't remember why. Something involving a food fight, but I can't remember how it all started. Stephen Tobolowsky is one of many people from the first movie who came back for this movie. Remember, he played Mr. Bates who had a grudge against Anna because he once asked Tess out in high school and she rejected him. That's such a petty thing. Of course the girls recognize him and are surprised he's still teaching there. I would be surprised too because he's in his 70s! 

Other people who are back from the first movie include Mark Harmon as Ryan, Tess's husband, Anna's younger brother makes an appearance at her wedding reception, her old band mates from Pink Slip, and of course, Chad Michael Murray as whatshisface. But we'll get to him in a minute. Even the mother and daughter from the Chinese restaurant where the whole thing started in the first movie make an appearance at Anna's bachelorette party. It's nice to know she doesn't hold a grudge against the mother for what happened a couple decades ago! 

Back to Anna and Tess who are being portrayed by the young actresses. There is a funny moment when they're outside (somehow, the entire detention class convinced Mr. Bates to move detention outside) and they want to try to escape and they look over and see something that will help with their escape. Well, the camera shows a shot of two motorcycles and I was thinking they were going to take those, but in the next scene they're riding scooters. Being that they're two adults trapped in teen bodies, they're being very responsible. The only sign of rebellion is when they go crazy with all the junk food they eat because, hey, why not. This is also a callback to the first movie when Tess, in Anna's body, goes crazy with the fries.


Meanwhile, Harper and Lily (you know, Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis) decide the best way to split up their parents is to try to get Harper's mom back with her old high school boyfriend, Jake (oh, yeah, that's his name). They find him on Facebook, something "only old people use" according to Harper. (Heh, she's not wrong. I actually remember when you had to have a college e-mail to use it. Also, if you think the Facebook reference is dated, I'm pretty sure they make a MySpace reference in the 2003 movie. Now that's antiquated!) They find out he works at a record shop and there's another joke about listening to a band that only old people like and that band is Coldplay. Lindsay Lohan as Harper is "flirting" with Jake and it's the most awkward, excruciating thing ever. He's very confused because he knows she's engaged and as far as I remember, they don't really keep in touch anymore. Though I don't know if that moment was more awkward then when he sees Tess and is asking her if her husband was still around. You remember how he had a connection with Tess in the first movie, but of course that was because it was actually Anna. It could also be that Jake is into older women. 

Anna is a music producer and on this particular day there is a photoshoot with a singer named Ella. Harper and Lily, in their adult bodies, decide to crash the photoshoot and we get a montage of Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis wearing crazy outfits and posing with the young singer. Earlier, Harper had found a song her mom wrote a few years ago and she assumed it was a love song her mom had written about Jake. 

There's a moment when the girls are in a car with Lily in Tess's body driving  and being that they're teen girls who haven't learned to drive yet, they drive very erratically. At one point they stop next to another car where there's a teen boy in the back seat and Lily starts flirting with him. I guess she forgot she was in the body of a 60-something woman? It reminded me of that scene in 13 Going on 30 when Judy Greer tells Jennifer Garner that this hot guy is checking her out (I think they're at a restaurant, it's been a minute since I've seen that movie) but Jennifer (who started the movie as a thirteen-year-old (you've all seen the movie or go read the review if you don't know what it's about!) thinks she's talking about the teen boy who's sitting nearby and she goes over to flirt with him. It's so cringe! 

Anna and Eric are supposed to have an interview with an immigration officer (oh, is this why they make them British?) and Harper, as her mother, is ready to fail miserably, but then she realizes how much Eric loves her mother because he knows the answer to everything, even obscure questions. She does not sabotage the interview as initially planned. She is coming around to her mom and Eric getting married, but that may be because Eric told her (thinking she's Anna) that it would be best for all of them to stay in Los Angeles. 

Lily is still determined to ruin the wedding and invites Jake to the rehearsal wedding. (Oh, yeah, the wedding is the next day, much like the first movie's "freaky Friday" happened the day before Tess's and Ryan's wedding.) Eric ends up calling off the wedding and to be honest, I can't remember exactly why. I don't think it's only because Jake was there. 

Lily has a heart-to-heart with Tess and realizes that she wants her dad to be happy so she talks to him (as Tess, because remember that's who's body she's in) and convinces him that he shouldn't throw away what he has with Anna.

Meanwhile, Anna has been invited to the concert Ella is performing that night because her old bandmates from Pink Slip are going to perform (maybe they've collaborated with Ella? IDK) so both she and Harper go, because obviously the real Anna is in Harper's body so she's going to need to hide backstage while her daughter performs onstage as herself. You think this is another callback to the first movie when Jamie Lee Curtis, portraying Anna, is backstage playing the electric guitar while Lindsay Lohan, portraying her mother, is onstage pretending to play the electric guitar during the scene when Pink Slip is performing "Take Me Away", that one song that seems to be their only song because they always play it. It's kinda like how The Wonders from That Thing You Do! always performed "That Thing You Do!" Anyway, the movie does NOT do what we were expecting and Harper (as Anna) invites her "daughter" (actually her mother, God, this movie is confusing when you're trying to explain it!) to sing "Baby" with her. Why does she invite her out on stage with her? Because just moments earlier, Harper found out that the song she thought her mom wrote about her former boyfriend was actually about her. The song is called "Baby" so she thought it was being used as a term of affection. (Personally, I've always hated when people call their significant others "baby" because it skeeves me out...the only time I'm willing to let it go if it's used in a song.) But, no, "Baby" is about her literal baby. If this girl had just listened to the lyrics, she probably would have figured it out. 

Anyway, Eric ends up at the concert and he and Anna end up together. By the time they are reunited, everyone has switched back to their rightful bodies. I honestly don't remember anything that happened after that, but everyone is happy and all is good in the world again. At least, in their world. I still think the 2003 movie is better than the 1976 original film and this movie. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Family Guy

The Family Man
Director: Brett Ratner
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Téa Leoni, Jeremy Piven, Don Cheadle, Makenzie Vega
Released: December 22, 2000


Unlike Scrooged, this movie is not an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, but it has a similar vibe: a very wealthy New York City businessman named Jack Campbell (Nicolas Cage) gets a "glimpse" of what his life could have been like if he had never gotten on a plane to London thirteen years ago. Why is boarding/not boarding a plane to London so many years ago so significant? Well, the first scene begins in 1987 (which is 13 years prior to "current day" 2000) at the airport where Jack is saying goodbye to his girlfriend, Kate (Téa Leoni) before boarding the plane to London. Because it is 1987 (hell, because this movie was filmed in '99 or '00!), she is able to be at the gate with him. When his plane is called, she tells him she has a "bad feeling" if he gets that on that plane. That's something you never want to hear from somebody before boarding a plane. But not because she thinks the plane will crash, but because "this feels wrong". He is going to London because he has an internship there with Barclays. He tells her they already agreed on him going to London and she has "been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country" (they couldn't tell us which one?) and this is a great plan for both of them. She says she wants them to start their life right now and it's them that make each other great, not the plan. He kisses her and tells her that he loves her, but he's still going to London because it will only be for one year.

Except their plan for staying together didn't work out because thirteen years have passed and he is now a filthy rich executive who lives in a super posh building (with a doorman!) and Kate is nowhere to be seen. As he heads to work on Christmas Eve, we see him have "quasi-sexual witty banter" (his words) with Mrs Peterson, an elderly snooty woman who also lives in his building and he is chummy with Tony, the doorman. He is the president of the company P.K. Lassiter Investment House. I'm not exactly sure what this company is, but there's going to be a big merger with another company, one that is "the largest in U.S. corporate history" and it's happening tomorrow, on Christmas Day for some weird reason. Three hundred sixty five days in the year (really 366 because I believe 2000 was a Leap Year) and they had to do this on one of the biggest holidays of the year? He tells his staff they will be working through Christmas, but promises them it will be worth it because on the 26th, they'll all have so much money it will feel like Christmas every day. We meet Alan Mintz, one of his staff members, who is a bit more mild-mannered and tells Jack that he's thinking about his family and how he promised his wife he'd be home for Christas Eve and this is when Jack gives them the pep talk. Alan is played by Saul Rubinek, who played Donny in Frasier, the brash lawyer who Daphnes almost marries. Just so you know: all the characters we're meeting now will be important in the alternate timeline. What a shock, I know! 

We meet Jack's boss, Peter Lassiter, and the two of them pretty much laugh and pat their backs about how rich they are and how happy they are because they're so rich. Jack's secretary tells him that a woman named Kate called and of course she's talking about his old girlfriend who he hasn't seen or (presumably) heard from since 1987! The very same one that told him not to get on that plane to London but he did anyway. He doesn't bother returning the call, but isn't he the least bit curious why she called? We don't learn the reason for her call at that moment. He asks his secretary to schedule a "strategy session" for noon tomorrow (on Christmas, remember) and she quips, 'That will be a nice holiday treat."  

After work, he stops by a convenience store to grab some eggnog (isn't somebody as rich as he is have people to do those kind of chores for him? But he needs to be there for the procession of the plot!). While there, a guy called Cash (Don Cheadle) comes in with an interesting fashion choice of wearing a visor backwards and something is hanging from it, like a lighter, maybe. He has a lottery ticket that he claims is good for $238, but the cashier (a young Ken Leung) thinks he "[drew] the lines." I wasn't really sure what he was talking about because I don't play the lottery, but I guessed he changed the numbers with a pencil (kinda how Robin Williams changed the phone number in Mrs. Doubtfire). When the cashier still refuses to give him any money, he gets upset and takes out a gun. Jack decides to be a hero and goes up to him to offer him a "business deal" where he will buy the ticket from him for $200 and then he can cash in the rest of the $38. Cash now points the gun at Jack and asks him if he wants to die. 

It was at this point I was convinced Cash was going to shoot him (he points the gun at him sideways which is the Hollywood sign for a kill shot) and he would end up in a coma (not dead, mind you, but a coma) and this would cause him to enter his alternative life. But nope. Cash doesn't shoot him. He doesn't shoot anyone, luckily. He tells Jack he'll take his deal. They walk outside together and Jack gives him the money. He asks him why he's carrying around the gun and that he'll end up doing something he'll regret with it. He tells him, "Everybody needs something." When Cash asks Jack what he (Jack) needs, Jack replies, "I got everything I need." Don't you just want to punch people like that in the face? He then tells Cash he could get his life together with "some honest, hard work and a little bit of medicine" (the last part is a bit presumptuous of him) and Cash just laughs and says, "You just remember that you did this, Jack, you, okay? You brought this on yourself." 

Jack returns home and goes to sleep in his fancy flat, but when he wakes up there's a blonde woman in pajamas laying on his stomach who seems to know his name when she says, "Ten more minutes, Jack. It's Christmas." A six-year-old girl and her toddler brother wander into the room, singing Christmas songs and being very excited because it's Christmas morning. Jack is looking very concerned. The kids are jumping on the bed and a large dog also hops on the bed. We soon realize the woman he's with is Kate. While she's distracted with the kids, Jack (who hasn't said a word at all) gets up and puts on some sweat pants and a sweat shirt (which are the closest thing he can find to wear (and something he would never wear) and runs downstairs where Kate's parents have just arrived. Because he's met them before, he knows who they are and they chitchat with him as though they're familiar with him and he's supposed to be there. Speaking for the first time since waking up in this odd world, he tells them, "Excuse me" and runs out the front door, ignoring their question of "Where are you going?" He runs back in after a few seconds and asks, "Where's my car? Where's my Ferrari?" (Dude, where's my Ferrari?) They seem surprised he has a Ferrari and when he asks if he can borrow their car, Ed (Kate's father), tells him to "drive [his] own damn car", which is a minivan parked in the drive way. 

He takes it and drives into the city (he's in New Jersey) and parks it in front of the building where he lives (or is supposed to live) and Tony, the doorman he knows (or is supposed to know) tells him that the building is "for residents and guests only." Of course he has no idea who he is. I chortle as I try to imagine this from the doorman's perspective. He sees this minivan pull out and this guy in sweats gets out and tries to walk past him to get him into the building. Like, he's not even pretending to act like he lives in a posh building! Then he sees Mrs. Peterson, the old lady who lives in his building, walk by and Jack acknowledges her and she asks Tony, "Who is this man?" Jack is incredulous they don't know who he is. They offer to give him help and tell him they can take him to a shelter. This is kinda funny since this is exactly how he acted towards Cash the other day. He gets super angry, screaming at them about how he's the "richest man in the building." Honestly, I don't know how the doorman kept a straight face. I would have bust out laughing. 

He ends up going to the building where he works (or is supposed to work) and some guy in the lobby (who works there) tells him the building is closed for Christmas. Well, if the building is closed, why is that poor schmuck there? To tell people the building is closed? Why don't they just lock the doors? But they need this scene so Jack can tell him he's the president, but when he looks at the sign, it says that Alan Mintz, the mousey guy that worked for Jack in the previous timeline, is now the president.

He walks out onto the street where he almost gets run over by his own Ferrari which is being driven by Cash who's had a glow-up and is wearing a white turtleneck and black leather coat. He tells Jack to hop in and that he'll explain everything. It turns out Cash is some Ghost of Christmas Future or angel or something, I don't think we're quite told what/who he is and why he has these powers. Of course Jack is demanding to know what's going on and he tells him not to get so worked up because he "brought this on [him]self" and reminds him of how he said he had everything he needed and that "this is a glimpse" (I would call it more than a "glimpse"!) and when asked of what, he replies, "You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself" and he will get "as much time as it takes" (hence why it's more than a "glimpse") and adds, "Which in your case is probably gonna be considerable." 

He drives Jack back to the parked minivan and gives him a bell, the kind you put on a bike. Jack asks if it's some kind of signal and if Cash will come whenever he rings it. Cash doesn't really answer, but tells Jack he needs to go now. Jack doesn't want to, but Cash tells him he has other business to take care of. 

Jack has to use a map to get back home and I'm not talking about Google maps; he uses a physical map. He stops at a house in a nearby neighborhood and asks a guy taking out the trash if he knows the street he's looking for. The guy must not have heard him, otherwise he would have thought it was odd Jack was asking him that. This guy turns out to be Arnie (Jeremy Piven), a friend of Jack's, even though Jack has no idea who he is and learns they're friends when he sees a picture of them together in Arnie's house after he invites him in. Arnie's wife is played by Kate Walsh, but she's barely in the movie. At least she'll soon have Grey's Anatomy to look forward to. 

Arnie tells Jack that Kate called wanting to know if he (Arnie) had seen him (Jack) and asks him if he's okay since he took off on Christmas Day without telling anyone. Jack tells him the truth (without telling him the WHOLE truth): he's having a bad day. Arnie tells him he's in his 30s with a house, kids, and financial responsibilities and that he's probably thinking, 'This isn't the life I dreamt about.' In Jack's case, it's really not. Apparently Arnie had almost had an affair once and Jack had given him some advice: "Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because you're a little unsure about who you are." Sounds like Arnie is giving him that advice right back at him. 

Even though in this new reality, Jack doesn't have as much money as he used to, it's hilarious how he acts like he's so poor even though he lives in a four bedroom house with two and a half bathrooms. I guess from a multi-millionaire's point of view, he is poor. 

When Jack returns to the house, Kate demands to know where he's been and that she's called all their friends and the hospital and had the state troopers out looking him. It's been "hours later" since he's come back. He tells her he was in the city and tries to tell her that's where he lives and this isn't his house and that she's not his wife. Apparently, he's "joked" about this before because she says, "It's not funny this time." I guess they needed this to be a normal thing he does, but the original Jack from the timeline seems happy with the life, so why would that Jack have to "joke" about that? It makes no sense. I notice they kind of tiptoe around anytime Jack acts weird or doesn't know anything that he should know. 

He takes out the bell and starts ringing it, thinking Cash will show up, but Annie, the daughter, comes by on a bike she got for Christmas and takes it, thinking it's for her new bike. Annie is played by Makenzie Vega, the younger sister of Alexa Vega and she would go on to play the daughter in The Good Wife

Jack and Kate end up going to a Christmas party (Jack didn't want to go, but when he found out it was either that or staying home and watching the kids instead of Kate's mother, he opted for the party instead. I guess it was the less scarier of the two for him!) at a nearby home where they're friends with the couple. The woman, Evelyn, clearly has a thing for Jack and keeps flirting with him, but he's pretty oblivious to her. It was hilarious when he walked straight to the table with a bowl of punch and other drinks and poured himself some alcohol from a glass decanter. 

He overhears Kate telling a story to a bunch of women and this is how he finds out she's a non-profit lawyer and he's not very happy about it He confronts her about it and isn't thrilled she doesn't get paid. She dismisses his comment and continues on with the conversation. This is a great example of how the movie just has the characters gloss over how odd Jack is acting. Like, Kate should be wondering what the f**k is up with him. 

The next morning he wakes up and thinks he's back in his original life in his own bed in Manhattan because nobody is next to him in bed and it's quiet, but then Josh, the toddler, starts crying. Kate is in the en suite shower and when he knocks on the door and opens it to tells her, "that baby is crying", she tells him it's his day to take care of the kids and adds he needs to get Josh to daycare on time. Does she not think it's weird that he says "that baby" instead of the kid's name or even "the baby"? She was showering while "Beast of Burden" was playing, so maybe she didn't hear him say "that baby". 

Annie helps him change Josh's diaper (well, she doesn't physically help him, just tells him what he needs to do and where things he needs are). Annie is very perceptive and knows that isn't her real father and tells him. She thinks aliens have abducted her real father and the new Jack is an alien in disguise. It's pretty cute when she asks him if he like kids and he replies, "On a case-by-case basis." She asks if he knows how to make chocolate milk (but sounds more like "chalk-wit milk" with her lisp) and he tells her he thinks he can figure it out. She helps him with directions to the daycare (amazing that a six-year-old can do that, so I'm guessing the school isn't too far away from their house) and when Jack drops off Josh he asks the woman who works there if he needs a receipt. Yeah, it's funny that he says that, but I'm sure that woman has seen Jack drop off his son many times and that comment didn't arouse any suspicion? Maybe she thought he was being funny? But the way he was carrying Josh (had his arms way outstretched with him in them) was super sus too. Why are these people just accepting how odd he is acting? Is the six-year-old the only smart one in the movie? Apparently, she is! 

After he drops off Annie at school, he asks her what he's supposed to do next and she tells him he goes to work at Big Ed's Tires. That's Ed as in his father-in-law. He is thrilled to be selling tires (that was sarcasm, obviously). Another weird thing that happens and nobody questions is when he asks one of his employees where his office is. Yeah, he will ask Jack if he's okay a little bit later, but still...the movie really just isn't worried about how his odd behavior is coming across to the everyday people in his life and they just don't seem to notice or care that much. In his office, he finds a checkbook in the desk and starts flipping through it and says, "Oh, no" so whatever the amount is, it's not good, though to be fair, he's used to having millions of dollars so the amount he has in this timeline could be totally fine for his situation. The checkbook (along with the physical map and airport security) definitely dates the movie! The only time I use a check is to pay my rent. I used to write checks way back in the early 2000s and I hated it because it took so long! I think my mom might be the only person left who still writes checks. 

On the wall, he sees a plaque that says he was the #1 Junior Sales Associate in 1988, the same year he should have been in London, so does that mean he never made it across the pond? Well, obviously in this timeline it does! It reminds me of one of those Choose Your Adventure books and this time instead of choosing to go for the path that will lead him to a plushy career with lots of perks, he chose the domestic life with a family. Honestly, his life in the domestic path isn't bad at all; he'll soon find out it's quite nice. The only thing I would say is a downgrade is the job and not just because he's making significantly less money, but selling tires (or anything in retail, really) just seems like one of the worst jobs you can have. To me, anyway! 

There are moments when it looks like he's coming around and accepting this new life, but then he'll just turn into a complete ass. In one scene, the whole family is at the mall and Kate is listing off places they need to go and he sarcastically says they should just go to every store in the mall. She tells him she'll take the kids shopping and he can stay in the men's department. 

While they're gone, he looks around and finds a $2400 suit very similar to one he wore in his old life and tries it on. Kate and the kids come back and she tells him he looks amazing in it. She's not so impressed with the price, though, when he tells her he wants to buy it. He retorts back like a petulant child and claims that Annie got new shoes and she says they only cost $25. He starts to have a hissy fit and the sales guy quietly sneaks away, probably upset he isn't making a sale. Jack asks her, "Do you have ay idea what my life is like?" and starts rambling about his mundane life. When talking about work, he says "retail" in a very acidic tone which I can totally relate! (I don't even work in retail, but I know I would hate it if I did!) He harkens back to the very first scene when he asks her how she could "let [him] give up on [his] dream?" She just looks at him and asks, "Who are you?" in a tone of disbelief and he tells her that maybe he's not the same guy he was when they got married. The most Nic Cage-iest line of the movie is when he shouts at her, "I'm sorry I was such a saint before and I'm such a PRICK now!" He was really channeling some Castor Troy energy there. 

He does apologize to Kate while they're driving home and also learns some new stuff such as Annie was a surprise pregnancy and Kate's dad had a heart attack and Jack stepped in to help out and that's why he works at his shop now. 

In this timeline, he likes to go bowling with his friends (something I very much doubt the Wall Street executive Jack would do; in fact, I bet that Jack didn't even have any friends!) and while at a bowling alley with some friends, he runs into Evelyn, the attractive woman who's always flirting with him. He's pretty straightforward with her and asks her if there's anything going on between them. She asks him if they're finally going to be honest and tells him "we've been dancing around this for years." So does that mean the previous Jack in this timeline had been thinking about cheating on his wife? She admits she likes him and wants to have an affair and that Kate "will never have to know."  He seriously considers it and tells Arnie who is in disbelief that he's even thinking about cheating on Kate. Jack replies that "it wouldn't really be cheating" because he's thinking this isn't his life and Kate isn't his wife but of course he can't explain that to Arnie! (Heh, it reminds me of that song, "And you may tell yourself, 'This is not my beautiful house' and you may tell yourself, 'This is not my beautiful wife.'" EDIT: After writing this, I watched the trailer, and no joke, they use that song, so they had the same thought.) Arnie tells him he's an idiot because he already has an amazing wife and he's going to mess it up if he does this. So he doesn't. 

I wasn't totally sure how much time has passed while Jack is in this alternate universe, but I think it's around Valentine's Day (or perhaps even on Valentine's Day because they totally seem like the kind of couple who would get married on that day) when he learns it's their anniversary. Of course he doesn't know it so he doesn't have a gift for her. He tells her he wants to give it to her later because their anniversary is all day. This is another sign that she should know something is up because she tells him that he always gives her his gift first thing in the morning. She's very excited to receive her gift, like a kid on Christas morning. She had given him a knockoff suit of the one he liked. It was a sweet gesture, but I'm not sure if he's ever going to wear it because it's not quite the same thing! 

He ends up taking her out to dinner at a nice restaurant in Manhattan. All he had to tell her that morning was that he had a surprise planned for her later that evening, but I guess in that moment he still had no idea what he was going to get her. He orders for both of them: "Terrine of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms, veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce, sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts." I had to look up what a terrine was and it's a dish that is made in a ceramic or glass rectangular vessel and is "constructed in loaf-shaped layers of either meat or fish [quail in their case] and can sometimes contain vegetables" (taken from thespruceeats.com). He asks for an '82 bottle of wine, but when Kate informs him that it's $800, he changes it to two glasses of red wine. 

They're having a nice evening. He tells her he needs to tell her something and begins by saying, "I feel like I'm living someone else's life." Which technically he is, but she reads it as he's saying "How did I end up here?" She even agrees with him, telling him she wonders how she ended up in New Jersey (didn't they live in New York before? Not that big of a mystery). They talk about how their lives would have been if they had pursued their professional paths and she says, "Can you imagine life where everything was just easy? Where you ask for things and and then people just bring them to you?" Of course he knows exactly what's that like and replies, "It's wonderful" and she just laughs because of course it would be wonderful. She tells him she wonders what kind of life she would have had if she never married him. We already know what his life would be like if they never got married! When he asks her what she thinks her life would be like, she says, "I realize I've just erased all the things in my life that I'm sure about", of course meaning him and their kids. She asks him what he's sure about and he tells her that he's sure there's no one else he'd rather be with than her. Awww. It's this moment that's the turning point where he realizes this was the life he wanted all along.

We soon see him happily interacting with the kids and thriving at work where he seems to be getting into the swing of his alternate life. One day, while at work, his old boss, Peter Lassiter, pulls up in his fancy car with a flat tire. (Why would this guy who lives in Manhattan come to this place? Aren't there auto shops much, much closer? Oh, I know it's all for the plot, but I just like to complain about stuff like that.) Jack tells him he knows who he is because he's seen him on CNBC. He invites him to his office and tells him his business strategy and how he would have done things differently with the merger (which has been on the news). If I were this Lassiter character, I would be wondering why this tires salesman was giving me business pointers and at first it doesn't seem like he's interested in what Jack has to say, but then he tells him to drop off his car at his office building when the tire is fixed and they'll have a meeting. It's ridiculous that this high executive businessman is letting this random guy have a job interview. I would think people in his position are much more fussy about who they're interviewing/hiring. 

When Jack shows up at his old stomping grounds, he meets the new and improved Alan Mintz who is now in a business suit (as opposed to the sweater and slacks he wore previously in the other timeline). He tells both Peter and Alan he used to be a broker, but now he sells tires. The way they were talking to him and asking him questions such as how his sales are reminded me of an episode of Shark Tank. He basically tells them it doesn't matter if he works on Wall Street or Main Street, that people are people and he knows people and starts rattling off things he knows about them as proof that he's super perceptive. 

Alan shows Jack around, but once they are alone, he cuts the friendly act and demand to know how he found out the information about them. He asks Jack if he went through Lassiter's wallet or found the information online, only he phrases it as "Did you surf some Net?" Oh, that gave me a good chuckle. Did some eighty-year-old write the script and didn't know how the Internet worked back in '99/'00? It was just so awkwardly worded! 

It looks like Jack was able to get a job and instead of talking it over with Kate first, he decides to let her know by surprising her. He does this by taking her to a swanky Manhattan apartment and tells her about the job and they could be staying there nearly rent-free until they find a place of their own. Even though their financial situation would vastly approve, she's not happy about this because she likes the school Annie goes to (even though he told her they could get the kids into some of the best schools in the country) and she doesn't want to raise the kids in New York. I can understand not wanting to raise kids if you're tight on money, but their new digs looks plenty spacious and their new life would be pretty plush. In other words, I guess what I'm saying is that I think Kate is worrying about things she shouldn't be worrying about. I can understand her not wanting to move if Annie was in high school and didn't want their daughter to switch schools, but she's only in kindergarten! Also, she seems to be overly sentimental of the house they live in. Later, she tells him (while crying, no less) how she imagined them growing old together in their house and having their grandchildren visit them. Then she tells him she'll accept it if he wants to take the job while taking him on a major guilt trip: "If you need this,I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go." She'll do this because she loves him and because she chooses them. ("I choose us.")

There's a sweet moment of Jack playing in the snow with his daughter and he's acting like the dad Annie is used to because Annie tells him, "I knew you'd come back." 

Because it's snowed, he's picking up rock salt at a convenience store and is startled when he sees Cash is working there as the clerk (he has now traded his fashionable garb for a polyester uniform). Cash greets him with a big smile and comments that he's gotten "all domestic" since he's buying rock salt and that he "must have really figured things out." Jack just replies, "You're not sending me back." Cash reminds him that this was only a glimpse and "a glimpse, by definition, is an impermanent thing." This is when Jack knows that this is his last night in this timeline of his life. He has a moment with each kid and tells Kate he wants her to promise him that she'll always remember him how he is right now in this moment. He's doing everything he can not to fall asleep: he takes the dog for a late night walk in the cold air and instead of going to bed, he sits in the armchair in their bedroom trying not to fall asleep. Every time his eyes start to close, he snaps them back open, but he does eventually nod off and when he wakes up he's back in his own bed in his luxurious apartment without any kids or a wife. He's surprised to find out it's Christmas Day and drives to the house where he lived with his family, but now someone else lives there and tells him nobody named Kate lives there.

He calls information where he gets Kate's address. When he arrives at her apartment, there are boxes and people everywhere and it's obvious she's moving. (Who moves on Christmas Day? It's almost worse than having an important business meeting on Christmas Day!) And she's not just moving to another zip code, she's moving all the way to Paris, oh, la, la! Does Kate even know French? If she does, why were we never told this? She tells Jack that her law firm has an office there and she'll be in charge of it. Do you remember way back in the original timeline when Jack was told Kate had called him at his office, but he never returned her call? Well, she has a box of his stuff and I think she was calling him to tell him she was moving and wanted to give him his stuff back. Good Lord, it's been thirteen years...unless it's super sentimental, just toss it. If he's lived without these items for this long, I'm sure he doesn't really care about them that much. 

Even though she's super busy, he chats with her. He asks her if she's married and has a big smile on his face when she tells him she never got married. He asks her if she ever thinks about them and what could have been, but she's too distracted with packing and just tells him he should look her up if he's ever in Paris. You gotta feel bad for the guy.

He does find out her flight is leaving at seven that night which comes in handy when he decides he's going to run to her gate as she's standing in line to board the plane and shouts at her not to get on the plane. He's really lucky...one year later and he would not be able to do this! She steps out of the line and asks him if he needs closure after all these years and reassures him that even though she was heartbroken after he left, she got over it and moved on and suggests that he do the same. She gets back in line, and desperate, I suppose, he just starts talking crazy: "We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids..." He then proceeds to tell her about the alternate reality he lived with her as though they are living this life right here and now. If I were her, I would be a little concerned! After telling her every little detail about their two children (including names and their personality traits), he tells her he's seen what they could be like together and ends with "I choose us" which is a callback to when she told him that earlier. 

Look, I don't think he went this the right way at all. Rambling on about things that happened in an alternate universe and acting like they're true now is just going to make you look like a lunatic, but Kate just says "Okay" and decides not to take her flight so she can have a cup of coffee with Jack at the airport and the movie ends with them chatting.

Of course, we're probably suppose to assume that they start dating and fall in love again and get married and have their two adorable children, but for all we know she could have decided she didn't want to pursue a relationship with him and gotten on a plane to Paris the next day. C'est Paris, for God's sake! LOL, I am so cynical. 

Also, are we supposed to think this whole thing was just a dream? Think about it: he wakes up on Christmas Day and finds himself in this new life and then when he wakes up on Christmas Day back in the life he's always had (after a very long dream!), but it felt so real that he thought it was and it changed his perspective on life. I really think this movie could have worked better if it had a better script (the characters just glossing over Jack's out-of-characterness just really annoys me and it's clear the script is only calling for them to do so because they don't want to call too much attention that this is not the Jack they know) and a better director (I was shocked that the douchey Brett Ratner directed this - this kind of feel-good family Christmas film isn't his forte), I think this movie could have been a truly great Christmas movie, but it kind of gets lost in the shuffle of holiday movies and most people seem to forget about its existence. 

I really like the movie's poster: