Taking a Stroll Down Wisteria Lane

Disclaimer: I apologize for how terrible this looks. Blogger can really aggravating sometimes. Something happened with the format and I have tried to fix it to make it look better, but it's not working, so I apologize again for how terrible this looks! 

If anyone were to ask me what my favorite TV show is, I would tell them it's Breaking Bad. However, there are many other TV series I love and if I had to make a top ten list of my favorite TV shows, I would struggle. (I would have to do different categories like dramas, comedies, reality shows, etc. to fit them all in!) One show that would definitely make that list is Desperate Housewives. I guess it would be in my favorite dramas list, though it technically is a comedy too. I recently did a re-watch and wanted to write down some of my thoughts. 

First, let me talk about my history. I watched this in real time, but I wasn't there from the beginning. I either started watching in the middle of season 1 and caught up with it later or I started watching at season 2 and caught up with season 1. I remember going to Blockbuster (ask your ancestors (lol, I heard this joke on a podcast and have been waiting a long time to steal it)) and renting the season 1 DVDs. I'm not sure why I didn't use Netflix (like the archaic Netflix when they used to mail the physical DVDs to you....lol who remembers that?) because this would have been during the time I was using archaic Netflix to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Alias. (Why do I remember such dumb useless stuff? Probably because it's dumb useless stuff I love.)

Anyway, it was actually my dad who got me into the show because he told me about it. (Both he and my mom watched it.) I think he watched it because he liked Teri Hatcher, haha. I remember watching Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman with my parents. (I had to look up the title because I couldn't remember it exactly.) So I started watching it and was hooked. When the series ended in 2012, I decided to do a re-watch, but I only got through season 4 before I decided to take a break since the series just ended and wanted to give it a little more space before I re-watched the last four seasons. Well, I didn't start my re-watch until late last year so I just ended up watching the entire series again, so I've seen seasons 1-4 three times and 5-8 twice. In a way, it was like watching the later seasons for the first time since so much timed had passed. There were literally only two things I remembered from the last season (which I'll tell you later). DH is one of those rare shows that can make me laugh and cry during the same episode. 

Much like I did with my Felicity post, I will be sharing some thoughts/bullet points about this show. And there will be SPOILERS! I will be talking about who dies, who gets together, who's cheating on who, all the mysteries, you name it! I will also be talking about the show assuming you're familiar with it. I highly recommend this show if you've never seen it. It's very simple (but oh-so-complicated!): It takes place in the seemingly idyllic neighborhood of Wisteria Lane and follows those who live in the neighborhood, namely Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher), Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman), Bree Van de Kamp (Marcia Cross), and Gaby Solis (Eva Longoria). There are other people (and housewives!) who live in this neighborhood too, but those ladies are the core four.

1. The houses - The houses on Wisteria Lane are their own characters in their own right. The four main women live in the same homes for the entire run (save for the season when Susan has to rent her house out and move to an apartment because of financial issues). You have Lynette's green painted house with the floating cabinets in the kitchen and the living room with the blue painted walls. It actually reminds me of a house you would be able to select in the Sims 3 Generations pack, you know one of those family houses. 

Susan's yellow "barn style cottage home" (I'm quoting the wiki, fyi) has a very cozy vibe and it feels like an artist lives there (which Susan is) and I associate the interior with those molded columns. 

The colonial brick house that is immaculate inside with the beautiful furniture (and that kitchen!) fits Bree very well.

I'm jealous of Gabby's huge walk-in closet and the beautiful tub in her bathroom that's attached to her bedroom in her yellow Victorian house. I also like the peach-y color of the living room wall. The only thing I'm not crazy about is the painting of the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus in that HUGE ornate frame that hung above the wallpaper. It was just a bit much. Also, did it annoy anyone else that their dining table and chairs were like RIGHT THERE next to the front door?

 Even the houses that were owned by multiple people over the seasons had their own personality. Every time I saw the house with the staircase directly in front of the front door and the dark wood paneling interior, I thought of Katherine Mayfair (even though she only lived in it for three seasons). 

A not-so-glamorous Gaby

2. The fashion - There's a YouTube channel I'm subscribed to called ModernGurlz where sometimes the videos will be about the fashion in a particular movie. I don't know if any TV shows have ever been talked about, but I would love a deep dive for the fashion in Desperate Housewives. It is eight seasons and there are A LOT of outfits, so it would be a bit of a commitment, but it would be so interesting. Even I, a person who knows nothing about fashion, could tell that the characters (especially the core four, plus a couple others) have their own fashion style and it evolves as their characters evolve. Gaby, the former model and fashionista is always wearing something sexy, chic, trendy, expensive, or all of the above! She gets her hair done regularly and wears make-up. When she has kids, she starts wearing more practical clothes and keeps her hair cut short because she doesn't have time (or the money because this is during a time when Carlos isn't raking in the big bucks) to keep it up and she wears very minimum make up.

When she's a stay-at-home mom, Lynette wears a lot of t-shirts or button up shirts, but when she goes back to work, she has a more professional look. Bree has a preppy look with her argyle and solid colored cashmere sweaters and slacks. In the first season, she wears pearls and has her hair flipped up, but as the series goes on, her hair isn't so rigid all the time and she does lose the pearls at some point (or only wears them for special occasions). When she becomes super successful with the launch of her cookbook, she starts wearing these amazing tweed jacket and skirts (I'm guessing they're Chanel). Susan has a very relaxed, casual look and wears a lot of henley shirts and jeans. 

3. I loved the time jump - At the beginning of the fifth season, the show jumps ahead five years and it was such a smart idea. It gave the show some fresh perspectives and storylines. The audience was teased at the very end of the season 4 finale. We saw that Bree had published a cookbook and had become super successful. The four kids who played Lynette's kids have been swapped out for older actors (although we won't see them until next season) and now twins Porter and Preston are 16-ish, Parker is 12/13-ish, and little Penny is 8 or 9. To be honest, I'm never really sure what the age difference between the Scavo children are or even how old they're ever supposed to be. I swear, in the last season, in one episode they said that Penny was 9; then in another, she was mentioned as being 11. A fun reveal is that we see the usual glamorous Gaby is not wearing make up and wearing more practical clothes as we see she now has two young girls, Juanita and Cecelia. I already alluded this about her change in fashion and her looks. The most shocking reveal is when we see Susan come home (oh, I should mention that during season 4 she was married to Mike and they had their son, MJ) and she's greeting someone who you think is Mike...but it's not!! It's some other guy who is NOT Mike and she greets him with a passionate kiss. Right away, you're thinking, what the HELL is going on? Did Mike die? If so, what happened? Did they get separated or divorced? If so, WHY? Another use of the time jump is that they used the five years to have Orson be in prison for running over Mike, the hit and run that caused Mike to be in a coma from season 3. And they also used it to have Edie move away, then come back in season 5. 

4. There are storylines from the first two seasons that they bring back for the penultimate and final seasons - There are two storylines in particular I'm thinking of. In the seventh episode of the first season, Andrew (Bree's teenage son) accidentally runs over Carlo's mother, resulting with her ending up in a coma. Carlos is distraught, but this couldn't have been better timing for Gaby because just before Mama Solis (as everyone calls her) got ran over, she had caught Gaby in a compromising position with John Rowland, the young gardener, and was on her way to tell her son. Mama Solis does eventually wake up, but only to quickly die when she falls down the stairs. She takes Gaby's secret to the grave with her (though, as we all know, Carlos does find out about his wife's affair). No one is none the wiser who hit her as Bree and Rex have disposed of any evidence.

Fast forward to season 7 where some circumstances have happened and Bree confides in Gaby what happened all those years ago (taking the time jump into account, nine years would have passed if I'm doing my math right). When Carlos finds out, he is more angry at Bree since she was the adult who covered this up and accepts Andrew's apology, knowing he was just a kid. 

Another storyline from season 1 that will come back later in the series is after Paul Young has strangled nosy neighbor Martha Huber, and her sister, Felicia Tilman, KNOWS he did it but can't get any proof. In the second season, this crazy b**ch frames him for her own murder by cutting off two of her fingers and planting them in the trunk of his car, not to mention dripping blood all over his kitchen. (She used to be a nurse so she knew how to pump her blood and save it.) This is one unhinged woman, I tell you! I know it doesn't look good for Paul that they find two human fingers in his car, but does that really prove that he killed someone? But he's carted off to jail and stays there for ten years (or about that) until Felicia (who has been living off the grid under another name) gets a ticket for speeding (or something stupid like that) and they find out who she really is and she is sent to prison and Paul is released. Then we get our season 7 storyline from that and things will get resolved in that season (with Felicia still trying to get justice for her sister AND still trying to get revenge on Paul Young: i.e. killing him). 

5. Trying to solve the mysteries - When I rewatched the first four seasons, I had pretty much remembered the gist of the mystery for each season since this was my third time watching those seasons. I may have forgotten small details, but for the most part I recalled who was behind them (like I remembered Katherine's daughter had been replaced in season 4). Since it had been several years since watching the last four seasons and it felt like I was watching them for the first time again, I decided to see if I could guess the mystery. And for the most part, I did. Now I don't know if this is because I had remembered them deep down or if they were just obvious. Personally, I think it's the latter! GET READY FOR SOME MAJOR SPOILERS! (Like I already haven't spoiled things already!) 

Season 5 - So we quickly learn that Susan and Mike are divorced and the reason for this is because something awful happened: they were driving home one night and got into a terrible car accident that left the woman and her very young daughter in the other car dead. Edie has moved back to the lane and is now married to a man named Dave. Dave seemed very insistent about moving to Wisteria Lane and right away I knew that the woman and little girl who died in the horrific car accident were his wife and child...and I was right. 

Season 6 - There's two mysteries going on simultaneously. One is that there's a mysterious new family that just moved onto the lane (pretty much what Wisteria Lane is known for!) and the other is the Fairview Strangler. Young women are being found strangled to death. One of these is Julie Mayer, though she doesn't die. (They're not going to kill off Susan's daughter!) At first, we're supposed to think it's the husband or the teenage son of the Bolens, the new family on the lane, especially after a waitress at a cafe was found dead and Nick (the husband) was the last person to be seen at the cafe, but I knew it wasn't either of them because that was too obvious. We see a few scenes with some of the young cast hanging out: Julie, the Scavo twins, Danny (the teen son of the Bolens), Ana (Gaby's niece who's living with her and Carlos for the time being), and some random kid named Eddie. Even though Danny and Ana are new characters, we know why they're characters this season. Eddie just seems to show up from nowhere. He's friends with the Scavo twins, but we've never seen him before or heard him mentioned before. After seeing him in a couple of scenes, I knew he was the Fairview Strangler...and I was right! 

Season 7 - This one I think I remembered it vaguely from watching it the first time, though some people might think it was obvious. I didn't think it was as obvious as the other two. Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane after getting released from jail when it's revealed
he didn't murder Felicia Tilman who had him framed for her murder (though he did murder her sister, but was never convicted for it). He has a new wife, Beth. Around the second or third time she mentioned her mother, it's like a memory unlocked for me and I vaguely remembered her being Felicia's daughter - and I was right!

Season 8 - Like I mentioned earlier, there were only two things I remembered from this season (one of them being that Bree ends up with the guy played by Scott Bakula - but I probably only remember this because I loved Quantum Leap). I'll talk about the other thing later. 

Gaby's horrible and terrible excuse for a human being stepfather, Alejandro (he raped her when she was 15), comes to Fairview in the last half of season 6 to torment her. In the season 6 finale Carlos comes home to see him attacking Gaby and he kills him by hitting him with a candlestick (he was just trying to get him to stop, his intention wasn't to kill him). Bree, Susan, and Lynette enter the house right after this happened (the neighborhood was putting on a progressive dinner part and the Solis house was the last stop during this dinner party as Gaby was serving dessert and the three other ladies came early to help her set up) and they all agree they're going to help Gaby and Carlos take care of this and not say a word. 

So the four ladies and Carlos are covering up the murder of Gaby's stepfather, but Bree receives a couple letters in her mailbox indicating that someone else knows about it. I have to be honest: I had no clue who was sending the letters. There's some speculation it might be from Bree's cop boyfriend, but that's not the case. As soon as Orson shows up in an episode, I figured it was him...and I was right. It was either that episode or the next one when we find that out, but I can't take any credit for solving that mystery! 

MAJOR SPOILER UPCOMING!! (I know I already warned about spoilers, but you can never be too sure and this is a MAJOR SPOILER!!)

6. I hated that they killed off Mike - So this is the only other thing I remembered about season 8, but for some reason, I remembered it being as the very last moment of the series. Well, no, it's not. It happens about five or six episodes before the finale. I just feel so bad for Susan. And the way Mike died is so brutal and pointless: he's gunned down outside of his own home by a loan shark seeking revenge. (And the guy playing Donny, the loan shark, looks like he walked off the set of The Sopranos or Goodfellas.) If I were Susan, I would never talk to Ben or Renee again because they were indirectly involved in Mike's death. Ben is the hot new Australian guy who's just moved onto the lane (he's pretty much season 1 Mike of season 8) and Renee is the rich divorcee (she's played by Vanessa Williams who joined the series in season 7) who starts dating him. Ben has a real estate development site and turned to Donny for money, but got way deep over his head and couldn't pay the money back. Renee offered to help, but he refused. Stupidly, Renee invites Donny over to write him a check. I'm not even sure how she got his number. Now Renee is a lot smarter than that so it doesn't make sense why she wouldn't meet him in a crowded restaurant in the next town over to give him the check. Or something. Now that Donny knows where she lives, he pretty much threatens that he'll be back to get more money.

One evening while Renee is out, Mike is talking to her on the phone and he sees the light turn on in her house. He goes to inspect it because he knows Renee isn't home. Well, what do you know, it's Donny just breaking shit. Instead of calling the police, Mike gets into an altercation with him. Now he and Susan do go to the police to ask for protection, but they can only send a car to watch their house every now and then. 

Now as culpable as I think Ben and Renee are, I have to place some blame on Mike here too. I don't know why he just didn't call the police when he saw someone breaking into Renee's house. He clearly wasn't thinking about his own family which just seemed so out of character for him. This results in him getting shot, right in front of Susan and we see his life flash before his eyes (well, since the time he moved onto the lane) and we see him meeting Susan for the first time when she tells him not to eat the mac 'n cheese she brought to Mary Alice's wake. It's so sad! Susan and Mike were the OTP of this series and they were supposed to get the 360 camera angle kiss that they gave to Lynette and Tom in the penultimate episode after they were separated for the season, then got back together. 

7. The most vile character in the whole series is a 12-year-old girl - okay, maybe she's the second worst since Gaby's stepfather was pure evil...but this girl comes pretty close to being the second coming of the devil! Of course, I'm talking about Kayla, the daughter Tom recently found out he had. Before he was with Lynette he had a one-night stand with a woman named Nora (and he must have been pissed drunk because her personality is very off-putting and I don't know how anyone could stand to be with her), resulting in Kayla. 

We're introduced to Kayla and Nora in season 3. Now that all the Scavos are aware of them, they have moved to Fairview so Kayla can be closer to her dad and visit him often. After Nora is shot by by Carolyn Bigsby who is holding people in a supermarket hostage (season 3, episode 7, called "Bang"; check it out, great episode), as she lays dying in Lynette's arms, she asks her to take care of Kayla and Lynette agrees. Hoo, boy, Lynette is sure going to regret that! But how can she turn down a dying woman's wishes? 

Kayla acts like a brat at first, demanding that she be able to eat ice cream for dinner AND in front of the TV and Lynette gives in, since her mother recently died. Of course, this doesn't make her other children happy. Lynette gives her a doll that used to belong to her as something to comfort to her, but will later find it in the garbage with spaghetti sauce all over it. I felt really bad for Lynette. She was trying to do something nice for Kayla and the little brat totally disrespects that. If she didn't want the doll, fine, then just put it your closet.

When Lynette takes the kids out to dinner, Kayla is eating really slowly and when it's time to go, she tries to hurry her along and Kayla starts screaming so everyone is looking at them.

She tries to get Lynette fired when Lynette is supposed to return to work (she was shot in the arm during the supermarket hostage situation and was out of commission for awhile), but Tom needs help with the pizzeria so she lies to her boss and tells him she's not ready to come back yet. For some reason, her boss visits the house and Kayla tells him where Lynette is. 

But, wait! It gets even worse! She had convinced the twins to burn down a competitive restaurant (that's a whole other story behind that) and she also convinced them that if they jumped off the roof with an umbrella, they would be able to fly. This results in one of the twins breaking his arm. Kayla tells Lynette that if she could get the twins to do those things, then she could probably get little Penny (who's 3 or 4 at this point) to do anything. It's very ominous and Lynette's first reaction is to slap her. Even though she shouldn't have done that, I don't really blame her because this wretched pre-teen is threatening Lynette's toddler daughter. Unfortunately for Lynette, this happened while they were shopping at a mall and the slap was caught on CCTV which will come back later. 

The Scavos had hired a family counselor and Kayla calls him, telling him that Lynette had hit her and that it wasn't the first time (which was a lie). Of course the authorities find proof of this in the video footage and Lynette is arrested. Not only that, but Kayla burned herself with a curling iron, saying that Lynette did that to her. This girl is a true psychopath! Tom manipulates Kayla into telling him the truth of why she's lying about Lynette and she tells him she doesn't want Lynette living with them and we find out that Tom (who had been talking on the phone before entering Kayla's room and left the phone on her bedside table) had left the phone on and the counselor was the one listening to this entire thing. Lynette is released and Kayla is taken away, never to be seen again. Good riddance. She goes to live with her maternal grandparents. She can be their problem now! She is never mentioned again and I don't think it's ever mentioned if Tom ever visits her (I have no idea how far away she lives now). It would have been interesting if they brought her back after the time jump, but they never do.

8. Moments that made me cry - Like I mentioned earlier, this show could make me laugh as well as make me cry and here are a few of them:

-In an episode in the first season, Lynette's three sons are stealing from Mrs. McCluskey who's played by Kathryn Joosten who played Mrs. Landingham, the President's secretary in The West Wing. (Fun fact: this episode is the very first she appears in.) She makes them go over to her house to apologize to her. She's kind of seen as a cranky old lady, probably pretty scary to the three young boys! She invites them in for tea and peanut brittle. In unison, they all say, "We're sorry." There is a funny moment when she asks them their ages (the twins are 6 and Parker is 5) and when one of them asks how old she is, she makes them guess and one of the twins says, "A hundred and fifty!" This is what I'm talking about how the same scene can make me laugh AND cry. The part that made me cry is when one of the twins (I can't tell them apart, sorry!) sees a photo of a young boy on the mantel and asks, "Who's that?" We find out it's her son who died when he was twelvebecause he was sick. She begins to soften toward Lynette's sons, telling them that he was "a terror, like you three" and that they would have liked them. It's a short scene, but it's so effective and had me crying! It shows us that Mrs. McCluskey has a soft side. I actually rewatched this scene to write this and I'm crying AGAIN!

-Another episode concerning Lynette in season 1 that made me cry was when she was so overcome by taking care of her four children that she started taking one of her kids' medication used for ADD to help her, then got addicted to it. She breaks down and tells Susan and Bree how she's a failure as a mother, but they reassure she's not and that they even have times they had difficulties with their own kids. 

-Okay, I totally cried in the episode after the tornado strikes when they're pulling Lynette's family out of the wreckage. (Lynette had been separated from them, so she was anxiously waiting to see if they had survived.) Even though I knew they all survived (because it wasn't my first time watching this!), it was still pretty emotional! It is really sad when we find out that the sweet old neighbor, Ida Greenberg had died. She was good friends with Mrs. McCluskey and she just looks so devastated! 

In season three, Lynette had been battling cancer and in an episode in early season four she will find out if the cancer is gone.Her storyline this particular episode is trying to get rid of a opossum that has been rummaging around in her garden. At first, she puts a fence around her garden, but the animal just burrows under it, so she decides to go to more extreme measures. At first, this storyline is played for laughs. Parker informs her that he and his brothers have named the opossum "Scruffles" and when Lynette tells him not to give it a name "because it won't be around much longer", he is not happy that she wants to kill him. When Lynette says, "Sweetie, let me ask you something: if you had to choose between Mommy's beautiful garden or a gross, mean dirty opossum, what would you pick?" This is funny because of course we know what the kid is gonna say. He says "Scruffles" so matter-of-factly. Lynette tells him "We're done talking here." 

A couple nights later, Tom finds her in the backyard with an air rifle that Bree suggested (nothing else is working and Bree told her while the air gun won't kill it, it will sting it enough for it to want to stay away for good). Lynette seems almost obsessed with getting rid of the opossum and it soon becomes clear that the opossum is a metaphor for cancer. She tells Tom, "Something has attacked our home, and when that happens, you don't just stand by, you fight it. Screw this creature that is come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us. It will not defeat me." Tom clearly knows she's referring to the cancer and tells her, "You do what you need to do."

That same night, her oncologist stops by her home because he wants to deliver this news in person because it's good news: she's cancer free. I don't know how common it is for doctors to make house calls to deliver news (even if it's good news), but it's a TV show, so I get it. Lynette walks outside, relieved. She sees the opposum, dead, and starts to break down and cry. I'm guessing the animal died from eating the poison. She said earlier that it was eating around the poison, but she must have been wrong. I don't think she ever shot it with the air rifle and she was told that even if she did, it would just scare the animal away. 

It seems like a lot of Lynette storylines make me cry! Here's one that isn't Lynette centered:

-In season six, Susan has to be on dialysis because she needs a new kidney. When there, she meets an older gentleman named Dick Barrows (Gregory Itzin), a curmudgeon who doesn't want to talk to her when she tries to be friendly. Of course, he's just scared that he's never going to get a kidney and he's been waiting for one for a long time. I feel so bad for him when a pager goes off (all the people on dialysis are carrying one; it alerts them when a kidney has been found for them) and he frantically looks at his, realizing it was someone else's pager. Just the devastated look on his face gets to me. He does soften around Susan and is happy for her when she finds out she will be getting a kidney. It's not a happy story for him since he dies and I'm just a mess of tears. 

9. West Wing fans will get a kick out of Kathryn Joosten and Lily Tomlin playing sisters - Joosten played the President's secretary for the first two season in The West Wing. When her character was, uh, no longer around, the role went to Lily Tomlin. In season five of DH, when Karen McCluskey is becoming wary of the new neighbor Dave and doesn't trust him, she asks her sister, Roberta (played by Tomlin), to help her. So if you watched The West Wing, this was a fun little Easter egg. 

10. There are many "ghosts" missing in the very last scene - I like what they went for in the very last scene of the last episode, but I don't think it was as executed as well as it could be. All the ladies have moved on to bigger and better things and Susan is the last to move. As she's leaving the neighborhood, she sees many ghosts of Wisteria Lane standing in yards. Some of these are obvious. She sees Mike, Mary Alice Young, Mrs. McCluskey, Karl. (Susan is far too young to have two dead husbands!) Then we see some ghosts that were characters that were only in one or two seasons, but made big impressions. These include George, Bree's pharmacist who had a creep obsession with her and killed her husband by giving him the wrong medication; Rex is there too (though not mingling with the ghost of George!); Nora, the woman Tom had a one night stand with and the mother of Kayla; Mama Solis, Carlo's mother who was ran over by Andrew in one of the first episodes of the show; Beth Young, the woman Paul Young was married to in season six and the daughter of Felica Tilman; Felica's sister, Martha Huber, the nosy neighbor of Wisteria Lane and who was murdered by Paul Young in the first season is there; as well as Orson's first wife who everyone thought he murdered, but he hadn't, she just died in another manner. 

Now I would say that all the people I named were characters that made a big impact on the show even if they were only in one season. However, there are a few people in this scene that if I hadn't binged watched the entire series in a couple of months, I would have no idea who they were. Hell, some of them I had to remind myself who they were because they didn't leave that much of an impression on me. These include Ellie (played by Justine Bateman) who rented a room at the Solis's in season 4 and wasn't exactly who she said she was. Because of watching all the season in close proximity, I did remember her, but that can't be said the same for Mona Clark. She was always kind of in the background, but during season six, she found out about the secret the Bolens were carrying and she blackmails them asking for money or else she'll spill their secret. She ends up being killed by the small plane that crashed into Wisteria Lane. There's also Bree's detective boyfriend who was just a blip in the final season and Katherine's elderly aunt who died of natural causes if season four. (I probably forgot about her because she was only in a few episodes and her death wasn't that crazy.) There was one guy I didn't recognize, then found out it was Carlos's boss who was stabbed by his wife. (I mean the guy's wife shot him, not Carlo's wife, Gaby!) He was cheating on her in case you were wondering. That was a crazy episode, but that story arc wasn't that long and I sort of forgot about it after the episode it happened.

Now that's a pretty good array of people who have died in or around Wisteria Lane, but there are many important people who are missing. Where is Edie? (I know Nicolette Sheridan and Marc Cherry weren't exactly on the best of terms, so that may have had something to do with it.) Where is Felicia? We have her sister and daughter, but no Felicia? Where is Ida? She may not have been as big a character as Edie or Felicia, but she was always around, a close friend of Karen McClusky's, who was a victim of the tornado, so her death was very memorable. Speaking of those who perished in the tornado, where was Victor Lang? (Probably scheduling issues since John Slattery was probably busy with Mad Men.) The point I'm trying to make is that scene could have had a lot more impact.

11. The Real Housewives franchise was heavily influenced by this show - The first episode of the reality series debuted in March 2006 while DH was in its second season and very popular. Now I love Desperate Housewives, but have never seen any episode from the Real Housewives series. I have no desire to. But then again, I have no interest in candid reality. I've never seen an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians either and I feel pretty good about that! It's just amusing that a show I absolutely have no desire to watch was inspired by a show I love. 

Can you become, can you become a new version of you

I just watched Felicity for the first time and wanted to share some thoughts/bullet points. This was a show that would have been perfect for me to watch when it aired from 1998-2002 on the WB, especially since I'm the same age as the protagonist, but while I was well aware of it, I never watched it...until recently. Now, I watched J.J. Abrams' other shows, Alias and Lost, but never this one. Yes, Felicity was created by J.J. Abrhams (and Matt Reeves). Which is so weird. This show is so different from Alias or Lost. 

Keri Russell plays Felicity Porter, a girl who has just graduated high school in Palo Alto, California. Her parents want her to go to college at Stamford and become a doctor. She decides she's going to follow her crush, Ben Covington (Scott Speedman) across the entire country to attend UNY (University of New York; not to be confused with NYU, which is a real school). She has never talked to Ben, but gets up the nerve to ask him to sign her yearbook and he writes that he wished he had known her better which makes her think that he likes her. Or something. She finds out where he's going to college and ends up there too. Now, if the genders had been switched, that would have been a little problematic. Although, it is still stalkerish behavior that she followed a boy to college.

Once there, she makes some new friends, including her RA, Noel Crane (Scott Foley), which turns romantic and soon there will be a love triangle between her, Ben, and Noel. And there's some other drama, of course. This show ran for four years...one for each year of Felicity's journey though college. And now onto my thoughts. Also, I'm going into this as thought you're familiar with the show. If you've never seen this show and don't want to be spoiled, maybe don't read this:

1. Who is Sally? - As a narrative device, the show has Felicity send taped messages (yes, with a cassette tape; way to show your age, show!) to her French tutor, a woman named Sally Reardon. Pardon, mais Felicity ne parle pas francais! We never meet Sally, but she does send Felicity her own recordings and she is voiced by Janeane Garofalo. Sally must be a very trusted confidant because Felicity sends some of her most intimate and personal thoughts to her. Like, Sally had a lot of dirt on her! There's one particular episode where she makes a tape for Sally where she tells her what she wonder what it will like to be with a man for the first time, physically and sexually. It's so cringe. Well, guess what? There's a dorm party happening that night and somebody asks her if she has any tapes they can play at the party and she shows them where her music is (I guess she was distracted) and somehow her tape to Sally was mixed in with her regular tapes and that person (I forget who it was) grabs it, thinking it's a mixed taped? I guess. I just thought of something: why are these people playing and listening to cassette tapes? In the late '90s, I was listening to CDs. I can understand why Felicity was using the tapes to record her messages to Sally, but as for listening to music? Were we not able to burn CDs back then? I honestly don't remember. Anyway, surprise, surprise, the tape is played and everyone hears her highly embarrassing message. She shouts for someone to turn it off, but nobody does. So she just runs up and rips it out of the tape deck. Honestly, Felicity. If you have a cassette with a very personal recording on it, maybe don't keep it with your other tapes! 

Anyway, back to Sally. I really thought we were going to meet her, perhaps in the last season, but no, we never do. In fact, it seems like after season 2, they pretty much drop Sally as a narrative device, but they do bring her back for some of the last episodes of the series, like they forget about her, then realized that maybe they should have Felicity corresponding with her again. IDK, I personally thought they should have just had Keri Russell narrate the show as Felicity. 

2. What's in the box? - Felicity's roommate is a girl named Megan who's into Wicca and she's very opinionated and isn't afraid to tell you what she thinks of you. I would describe her style as "club goth". She and Felicity are very different people and she doesn't particularly like Felicity the first two seasons, but by the end of the series, they are good friends. Anyway, Megan has a box (about the size of shoebox) and she makes it clear to Felicity in several episodes that she is never, ever to open the box. I thought for sure we were going to get a great reveal of finding out what was in the box whether it was in the last episode of season 1 or the last episode of the whole series. But we never find out what was in the damn box! Ugh! I wanted to know. Was it drugs? Was it a gun? Was it a severed finger? Was it a sex toy? Was it embezzled money? Was it a compromising video? Was it Gwyneth Paltrow's head? Honestly, none of those would have surprised me. I was just disappointed we never find out what was in the box. "What's in the box?!?!" 

3. My two least favorite storylines are back-to back - Ugh, yes. This came in season 3 which is probably why it took me a long time to finish that season because there were times when I would go weeks without watching an episode because these two back-to-back storylines just seemed to make the show drag on forever. So a quick set-up: we are introduced to a new character at the beginning of season 3: a British girl named Molly who makes her own clothes and is into crystals and charms or something. IDK; honestly, I could care less about this character. I felt like she added absolutely nothing to to the show and was unnecessary; I didn't get the point of her. She's only in 14 episodes which surprised me. I guess they brought her in to replace Julie who leaves towards the beginning of season 3. Felicity, Julie, Molly, and Elena all live in this ridiculous huge apartment. Actually, I was always confused who was living where and with who at certain times because it always seemed to change. I need to see if I can find a chart to help me with that. 

Anyway, back to the topic. Right after Julie leaves, we're about to start on the first of my most hated storylines of the show. So Felicity actually moves into this massive apartment after Julie leaves and takes her old room. She finds COCAINE in the closet! I'm thinking, Ooh! This is getting good! Who do the drugs belong to? Were they Julie's? She's got a lot on her plate concerning some drama with her biological parents that she recently found. Or perhaps they're Ben's? He's dating Felicity and staying over at the massive apartment lately now. He's got his own drama and stress to deal with. Or does it belong to one of the other roommates? Well, yes...and no. The drugs belong to Molly, but really they belong to her boyfriend, James. Who the f is James is what I asked when I first heard about him. We have never seen or heard from this "James." And for a minute I thought maybe Molly was making him up and that would have been interesting, but no, he really exists and we see him on the show and they pretty much act like he's been there the entire time. We go through this whole boring storyline where Molly is trying to quit James and the cocaine, but everytime she thinks she is done, he pulls her back in! This storyline pivots right into the next storyline I hate because while there's a party going on at the massive apartment, here comes James and he's got a gun! I guess he plans to shoot Molly? Or himself in front of Molly? IDK. But he ends up shooting some random blonde girl named Avery, and ugh, would it be in bad taste to say I wished she had stayed dead? Calm down, let's all remember she's a fictional character. Yes, Avery technically dies, but she will be brought back to life in the ambulance and Ben is there to witness it all. Avery becomes obsessed with Ben and starts buying him all these gifts and invites him to her family's beach house. Or something. (She comes from a rich family). And OMG, it is soooooo boring. Felicity, rightly, is not happy about this arrangement, but Ben tells her nothing's going on. Okay, he may believe that, but it's so obvious Avery is trying to get between the two of them. This storyline is never ending and I really wished Avery had died because she's so boring. I don't even care that much about Ben and Felicity as a couple, I was kind of hoping she would break them up, but nope. Oh, sure, they have their fights, but in the end they stay together. Finally, she just goes away. Hallelujah. 

4. Ben vs Noel - So before I watched this series, I knew there was a love triangle with Felicity, Ben, and Noel. However, I was just thinking she would alternate between the two of them. Thinking back, that seems kind of weird and I don't know why I would think that. I guess I thought her time spent romantically with them would be even, but it's not. At all. She dates Noel when she's a freshman and he's a sophomore, but that is the only time she dates him. She starts dating Ben at the beginning of second season after she goes on a road trip with him during their summer after freshman year. They don't date too long as there is a little hiccup, but then they get together towards the end of the second season and they're pretty much together for the rest of the series. That isn't to say there aren't any obstacles, but there are. Obviously, Avery, is one. Another huge one is that Felicity sleeps with Noel at the beginning of season four. Felicity is stressed out because her dad doesn't support her wanting to study art and thinks she should be a doctor, Ben is stressed out because he's decided he wants to be a doctor (which to me, makes no sense, but it's a storyline, so whatever). Anyway, Felicity seeks comfort with Noel and they sleep together...she keeps it a secret from Ben even though Richard, Elena, Javier and her school therapist all know about it. (The first two are accidental, but she tells Javier and her therapist about it). I really thought Javier was going to spill the beans, but it's actually f*cking Noel who does. Good job, Noel. So, of course Ben is pissed and they break up....but they end up getting back together towards the end of the series. But not before Ben sleeps with a woman who his dad is an AA sponsor for. She is a little older than him (she is played by Lisa Edelstein aka Dr. Cuddy from House) and she ends up getting pregnant. She keeps it a secret from Ben for months so he's already back with Felicity when she tells him. At first, Ben doesn't want anything to do with the baby, but then he changes his mind when he realizes how crappy his own dad was, so he wants to be there for his child. The only (only? ha!) wrinkle is that Lauren is moving to Arizona where her parents live and there's already a job lined up for her. Actually, let me hold that thought because a lot of this takes place in the finale which is a separate point I want to talk about.

But back to Ben vs Noel, I honestly didn't really care who she ended up with. Hell, a part of me was hoping she would end up with Owen the art student (but not really cuz I knew it would never happen). If I were forced to choose, I would say Noel. I just think there was more potential there for a relationship, they always just seemed to have a stronger bond and Ben just seemed to be more distant. To be fair, I'm sure there would have been lots of drama with Felicity and Noel if they dated for a couple of years. Also, I find it unrealistic that this so-called nerdy girl followed the coolest and most popular boy from her high school (I honestly feel like Felicity would have been more popular than Ben, but whatever) and ended up with him. I feel like it would have been better if she had ended up with Noel. Like, she did intend to end up with Ben, but in the end, she found someone better and ended up with him. It almost ends tied up in a neat bow. 

5. The finale - So back to the whole Ben/Felicity/Lauren/impending baby of it all. Ben proposes to Felicity and she says yes. Then he decides he wants to move to Arizona to be closer to his son when he's born. So the proposal is called off. Felicity is not staying in New York, but instead will be returning home to Palo Alto where she will attend classes there to become a doctor. At UNY, she decided to change her major to art, but then after she graduates, she decides to be a doctor, after all. What a way to waste your time, Felicity. Oh, well, I suppose that is realistic. Sometimes you think you want to be one thing, but then realize it's unrealistic or won't take you very far in life, so you go with the more grounded choice. 

At the very end of the show, with a "Six months later" text added to the screen, Felicity is outside one of her classes and guess who comes up from behind and taps her on the shoulder? Why, it's Ben! You see, he convinced Lauren to pack up all her things and move with their baby to Palo Alto when she had a job and a support system in Arizona. Seriously, WTF, Ben? It's fine that you want to move because you want to be closer to Felicity, but why are you making your baby mama do the same thing? I found the part that Lauren and her new baby followed him was a bit unrealistic, but whatever. So Ben and Felicity go on to be doctors and live happily ever after. Whoo hoo a whoppity dee doo.

But wait....I lied. That was NOT the finale. It SHOULD have been the finale. It was MEANT to be the finale (I believe), but there are still FIVE episodes left! Apparently, this is because the network needed a certain number of episodes and they were five short when they submitted the show that was meant to be the finale, so there are five more episodes and they are absolutely bonkers and insane...and we'll get to that in my next bullet point. 

6. Time Travel - Yes, you read that right. I am not sh*thing you. This show, which is grounded in reality, actually has Felicity time travel. Good f*cking lord. I don't think they even time traveled in Buffy and that show dealt with supernatural stuff all the time! 

So here's the deal: Felicity tells us how happy she is with Ben in Palo Alto. Back in New York, Noel is getting married to some girl he works with (him dating her was a boring storyline in the last season). They're supposed to go there for his wedding. But before that, two things happen, one of them pretty tragic. Apparently Elena died in a car accident when she was on her way to Columbia for med school...I'm sorry, what? Why? What was the point of killing her off? Well, it will make sense later...but it also won't. The other thing is that Felicity and Ben have made friends with a girl (I don't remember her name) in their classes and Felicity catches them MAKING OUT in the effing school library. WTF is wrong with Ben? And then later we will learn that he's been doing this for a "few months". Seriously, WTF, Ben? Ben SUCKS. He effing moved to effing California to be closer to his effing gf and this is what he effing does to her? And they STILL (spoiler alert!) end up together. Ugh! Ha! I guess I'm more Team Noel than I thought.

Okay, so remember how I told you how Megan (her roommate turned good friend) is into Wicca? Well, she's dabbled in a few spells including one where she wants to make Felicity clumsy (I forget why; just to be mean, I guess) and a love spell for Felicity and Ben after Ben finds out about her sleeping with Noel. Well, both spells technically work. Felicity is clumsy and she and Ben do sleep together, but they won't get back together until later. But at least these were things that could happen in real life...whether or not a spell helped them along or not. Felicity is telling Megan that she wished she had ended up with Noel after they slept together instead of going back to Ben and Megan tells her she knows a spell for that and performs it, but Felicity just goes to sleep....and when she wakes up she's on the roof where she and Noel slept together and this is right after it happened. Okay, first of all, maybe go back before you cheat on your boyfriend so you can at least break up with him, then tell Noel how you feel. She already knows that Noel has feelings for her. But she pretty much confesses to Ben right away what happened and wants to break up with him, then tells Noel she broke up with Ben and wants to get with him. Noel is (rightly) freaked out by this and claims she's acting weird which she IS. They do start dating, but he runs into his old girlfriend, Hannah (played by Jennifer Garner...this is when Alias was first airing, so they must have taken a week off from filming that) and they start getting chummy again. A little too chummy that I actually thought that in the "real" timeline, she was the one he was getting married to (but it's not her). 

She sees Elena and gets all freaked out and happy that she's alive and of course Elena has no idea why she's acting so weird. She confesses to both Ben and Noel that she's from the future, but of course they don't believe her....UNTIL she tells Ben that his dad is going to end up in the hospital and other stuff that he wouldn't know yet and sure enough it happens so he believes her. In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself there was an explanation for all this, like surely this wasn't happening. It was all just a dream or Felicity was tripping' something big. The most hilarious part was that she told Megan about the spell she performed and Megan has no idea what she was talking about and even she didn't believe her!

The finale (the actual finale) is a f*cking clip show. Oh, you have no idea how ANGRY and LIVID clip shows make me! I despise them with a passion! They're so pointless and dumb! I bet 45 minutes of the show was from previous episodes! The new stuff has Felicity talking to the author of the time travel spell that Megan performed. The book isn't written yet, but somehow they find out the guy who will write it...so she goes to visit him and he believes her and tries to help her, pretty much by revising her past and this is why we get a clip show for the finale. I think this is why (I'm assuming) most people just ignore all the episodes after the one where they graduate because that one feels like the finale and the rest of it is just stupid BS! 

In the "real" timeline, there was a fire at the school and Felicity gets trapped in the art room and Noel helps her escape. Well, in this parallel timeline, the fire still happens, only Noel dies in the fire! Which makes no sense because Felicity wasn't even there for him to save! So what was he doing that he died? I'm so confused! 

Okay, so anyway, in one of the last scenes, Felicity wakes up in her bed in the "real" timeline and apparently she had a big fever and dreamt all of this. So I was thinking, Oh, so it was all just a dream (a long-ass dream!) and this never happened. I'm still trying to rationalize all this. Because Felicity is a rational show and there should be no reason why time travel exists in its universe! And I'm saying this as someone who loves time travel sh*t!  But then we see everyone at Noel's wedding (the very last scene) and Elena is there! I was so confused because in this timeline, she should be dead...so why is she there? So I went on Reddit which directed me a clip on YouTube where J.J. Abrahams says there's a deleted scene (and it is shown) where in the timeline where Felicity goes back in time, she tells Elena to go to med school at Duke instead of her first choice, Columbia. This is because Elena dies in a car accident on her way to Colombia. I mean, you can get into a car accident anywhere, but whatever. She makes Elena promise her that she'll go to Duke...which Elena does which explains why she's still alive. I mean, they couldn't put this scene in the actual show instead of the 45 minutes of clips we've already seen of this show? Dumb. Also, this means that Felicity really DID time travel, thus the reason Elena is alive when she goes back to the "real" timeline. This show...ugh....if only the stupid network (WB) had just let them end on the episode where they graduated. Let them air static at nine pm on Mondays for the next five weeks! (I don't even know what day/time Felicity aired). 

7. Guest Stars - John Ritter had a recurring role as Ben's dad. I already mentioned Jennifer Garner played Noel's girlfriend. (She was in a few episodes in the first season, then came back towards the end of the series. And yes, I do know she was married to Scott Foley for a minute). Although this was before she had Alias, so she wasn't famous yet, so I guess she was really the guest star in the last season. 

Donald Faison would show up pretty often in the first three season, though he wasn't a main cast member. He played Elena's boyfriend. They were pretty serious and almost get married towards the end, but don't go through with it. There's this whole storyline where his character is going to Africa to help with missionary work. Please! He wasn't going to Africa; he was going to start filming Scrubs!

In the first season, Julie has a storyline where she's trying to find her birth mom (she's adopted and has never searched for her birth parents until now) and she does. She's played by Jane Kaczmarek and I'm thinking, Okay Malcolm in the Middle is going to start in filming in a year so they're going to have to wrap up her storyline. She's in a few episodes in the first season and just a handful in the second. Julie wants to meet her father, but her mom hasn't told him about her (I forget why), so she follows her to a restaurant and sees them dining. He's played by Bradley Whitford (yes, I do know he and Jane are married IRL) and he's only in that episode. This is because he was probably filming The West Wing by then. 

Tyra Banks and Keenan Thompson both had about a 4-5 episode arcs in season 3 (not at the same time, though). Noel was trying to date Tyra's character, but he was being a real creep about it. He first meets her because he's a tech guy and she needs help with her computer, so he does that. While he's fixing her computer, he sees her password out in the open (not very smart of her to do that), and he uses that to open her emails to find out stuff about her. Yeah, not cool, Noel. With Keenan, he plays a character who helps Elena while she's temporarily blind (I forget why she couldn't see) and she likes him and agrees to go out with him. Then when she sees that he's overweight, she's not as enthused. Finally, she gets over that and does find out she likes him, but this is when Donald Faison comes back for a little bit and she tells Keenan's character she's going back to her former boyfriend. 

Lionel Richie was a guest star on one episode. I love Lionel Richie, but it was so totally random and he doesn't even get to sing. Javier and Noel are going to Atlantic City to see him in concert. Only they don't have tickets and they're all sold out (well, duh). But they do talk to him when they're in the bathroom. IDK, if you're going to approach a celebrity, maybe not do it in a bathroom. Also, I don't know how it works, but I would guess celebrity performers would have access to a private bathroom if they were performing at a large venue. 

8. The Haircut - I didn't watch Felicity in real time, but even I was aware when Keri Russell cut her hair and all the uproar it received. This happened at the very beginning of the second season. Looks, it's just hair and it will grow back, but I have to agree it wasn't the most flattering. People with curly hair should not get their hair cut that short! I know because when I was younger, I had super curly hair and got it cut pretty short. Luckily, this happened the summer after first grade and not when I was in high school or college. But even at the young age, I knew I looked horrible and I still cringe when I look at photos of that time. Once her hair starts growing back, it looks much better. Honestly, if they wanted Felicity to get a drastic change, they should have just had her hair straightened. Duh. That's what they do in the last season...all of a sudden her hair is straightened.

9. Dean & DeLuca - Over the series, Felicity and Ben work at this coffeeshop. And this is a real place. Usually, they don't use real coffee shops in shows. Think Central Perk or Cafe Nervosa. I have heard of Dean & DeLuca, but I have never been to one, so I did some research. 

....a few moments later....

Okay, I'm confused. From the research Googling I've done, it appears D&D was an upscale grocery store? Huh? On the show, it's a little cafe that sells coffee and snacks like brownies. So did the show make it a coffee shop and it's a grocery store in real life? Also, looks like they closed their stores a few years ago.

10. All the cheating - There's a lot of cheating that goes on in this show. First, we have the cheating of people in relationships: Felicity cheats on Ben with Noel, Elena cheats on Donald Faison with her hot neighbor, Ben cheats on Felicity with that girl at their new school towards the end, and I'm sure there's other examples I'm missing. But there's also academic cheating. In the first season, Ben and Felicity are working on a paper and since his computer is acting up, she offered to spell check it for him and bring it to him to their class tomorrow. Well, she ends up more than spellchecking it...she rewrites a few passages! She rewrites enough that the teacher is suspicious and knows Ben didn't write this and therefore gets accused of not writing his own paper which is technically true. I don't know what Felicity was thinking.

Then, in the last season, Felicity has to write a paper for her art history class which will count for a big chunk of her grade. Because of all the drama that's been going on in her life, she hasn't even started on it and it's due, in like, two days. Megan suggests she just go to the library and find and copy a dissertation that a graduate student wrote on a topic about art. Felicity tells her she'll get caught if she does that and Megan assures her she knows other students have done it before and never got caught (mostly cause they denied it!).  She also tells her that nobody ever reads the dissertations so they'll never know. Now I would agree with Megan because those things look long and boring, but you would think her art history teacher would be familiar with any of those dissertations. (BTW, I forgot to mention in the guest stars section, her art history teacher is played by Jane Lynch. She wears very conservative skirts and blouses, so a far cry from Sue Sylvester!) Felicity ends up copying a 30 page dissertation and turning it in as her own. The next day the teacher wants to talk to her and Felicity is scared. The teacher tells her it's the best paper she's read and she wants her to present it to the school board to be published. Ha! I knew that was going to happen! In the end, Felicity confesses before it goes too far and she gets an F on the assignment, but is still able to pass the course and thus graduates. 

Bonus - The technology - Since this show takes place between 1998-2002, the technology is quite different! First of all, nobody has a cell phone in this which is really weird. Also, everyone uses this type of Mac: 

Haha, remember those? I never had one...I didn't get my first Mac until 2009. But they look so bulky compared to the Mac computers of today! I do like the different colors you can choose from, though.

Well that's my review (and some rants!) about Felicity. That reminds me: I need to finish watching The Americans. 

"Hello, Seattle. I'm listening."

Within the last year, I've watched every season of Cheers, followed by every season of Frasier. When it comes to Cheers vs Frasier, I am fully on Team Frasier. Maybe I like it better because I remember watching it in real time when it was on in the '90s (I was too young when Cheers aired). Maybe I like it better because I've been to Seattle three times and I've never been to Boston. Maybe I like it better because I would rather visit a coffeeshop than a bar. But honestly, I think I just like it better because it's just the more superior show. I told my parents that I laughed more during the first season of Frasier than I did during the entire 11-year run of Cheers! When it comes to favorite comedies, Frasier is up there for me along with Seinfeld and Arrested Development. 

I don't want to say that it was a slog watching the entire series of Cheers, but it was kind of a slog watching the entire series of Cheers. I don't think it's a bad series or anything, but it was just hard for me to pick 10 of my favorite episodes, so that's why I'm just going to do that for Frasier. I would probably have an easier time picking my ten favorite moments from Cheers rather than episodes. 

And without further ado, here are my ten favorite episodes of Frasier. Oh, I'm just going to go into this assuming you're familiar with the show. If you don't know that Eddie isn't human or Maris is barely human or who's related to or who works with who or who's in love with who, then I can't help you. If you have no idea what Le Cigare Volant or Cafe Nervosa or KACL is, you will have no idea what I'm talking about. Now put your brother on the phone! (If you get that reference, you are at the right place!)

10. I.Q. (Season 6, Episode 19)

"Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes, matter, antimatter, and I won't matter at all!"

There are many episodes that revolve around a plot where Frasier and Niles attempt to try something new together or throw a dinner party or try to get into an exclusive club or have a rivalry over something. Whenever that happens, you know you're in for a good episode. This is one of the rivalry episodes. 

The Cranes are going to an auction to raise money for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation. Nobody really knows what exactly the foundation is raising money for. Frasier and Niles are both interested in bidding on "The Laureate luncheon" where they will dine with three Nobel Prize winners.

Niles places a bid, but when he comes back to it a few moments later, he sees someone named Alistair Mowbray has doubled his bid to $500. Frasier says he recognizes the name as someone who works in software and Niles probably won't be able to compete with him, financially. Niles instantly recognizes it as the name Frasier used in prep school for his society column. (Yep, that sounds like Frasier). Frasier admits if Niles thought he was bidding against a stranger, he would only bid a certain amount, but if it was against him, his "childish competitiveness would kick in." 

When it's announced they're at the closing minute, Niles writes down his final bid telling Frasier he will never top it. Frasier tells him he will double it, then Niles says he's going to double that bid, but he just added $50 it. He wins the luncheon by bidding $4,050. Thank God he did not double the $4,000! The auctioneer says since the luncheon was such a popular bid, they are willing to add another seat to the second bidder as long as Frasier can match Niles' "generous bid." 

Frasier has to give in because everyone is looking at him expectantly. He tells Niles he can't believe they just spent eight grand for a lunch and Niles tells him to remember it's for a good cause. They soon learn where their eight grand will be going when the auctioneer announces, "Thanks to the doctors Crane, there will be a lot fewer homeless cats on the streets of Seattle next year." OMG, I was eating when he said that line and I was laughing so hard, I almost choked. True story. And the expression on Frasier's face was hilarious. You know, Frasier, the animal lover! He looked horrified, but he's also trying to act like he's pleased with helping the homeless cats of Seattle because everyone is looking at him, beaming and clapping. 

Back at Frasier's apartment, Niles ponders when all this competitiveness between them started. They both agree it started with their mom and who was her favorite. Each thinks the other was her favorite. Frasier asks Niles if he remembers the IQ tests they took when they were kids. They never found out their score because their mom refused to tell them anything, only that they were two points apart. Both of them thought the other had the higher score. They both agree that their mom did the right thing not to tell them because she knew back then they "were too childish and competitive to handle it." 

Frasier says it would "be a sign of growth" to find out their scores and show they are okay with whoever has the higher score. Niles asks Martin if he knows what their IQs are. He replies, "No, but I have a pretty good idea at that auction tonight." Oh, Martin. Always bringing the zingers. 

Martin is able to get the IQ tests they took as kids. Niles reads the scores outloud. He tells Frasier his score is 129 and tells him that his score is higher. Frasier congratulates him on his score of 131, but Niles tells him his score is higher than that and, "Apparently Mom was being tactful." Frasier snatches the paper and reads Niles' score is 156. Martin says he should have never shown them the box, but Frasier assures him the point of this exercise was to prove that and he and Niles have moved on from being competition and he adds that he is proud of Niles. It doesn't surprise me that Niles has the higher score; that would have been my guess, but I am surprised that it is so much higher than Frasier's. I would say that maybe Frasier killed a few brain cells when he was drinking those beers at Cheers, but I can't blame it on the alcohol since they took their IQ tests as kids. Speaking of Frasier at Cheers, I read a Reddit where someone said that the Frasier from Frasier would never be caught dead at Cheers and I kind of have to agree! My God, the Frasier from Cheers tells his bar chums, "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight." The Frasier from Frasier would have no idea what that song was!

Frasier says they should call it a night so they're refreshed for meeting the three geniuses tomorrow.  He adds, "Or in my case, four geniuses!" As soon as Niles leaves, Frasier goes to the university library to study all night. He knows he can't study everything in one night, but he wants to learn "just enough to ask some informed questions" and touts himself as "a quick study." 

When they meet at restaurant the next day, Niles tells Frasier that he knows he was at the library all last night. He sensed something was up when Frasier rushed him out of his apartment, so he waited in his car and followed his brother to the library. When Niles starts sneezing and scratching his ear, Frasier knows this is a sign he was also at the library: "The only thing that makes you sneeze and scratch you ear is your parchment-mite allergy." (How specific!) Niles had taken some medication before, but they weren't strong enough, so he takes some more.

He starts saying things that don't make sense and Frasier tells him he should go home to bed, that he's going to make a fool out of himself and Niles accuses him of trying to get rid of him. Niles is so out of it, he puts his elbow in the butter dish and spills water on  Frasier's lap. The three guests come and Frasier gets up to greet them, but the tablecloth comes off with him (as well as all the silverware and water glasses) and Niles just falls onto the floor. Frasier introduces his brother who sneezes and holds up his hand while still on the floor. Luckily, nobody shook it! Yep, they certainly made a good impression. 

In the ending scene, we learn they had to pay nine grand because Niles knocked over the aquarium on the way out. 

9. Back Talk (Season 7, Episode 10)

"I overheard something I wasn't supposed to hear."

I love the Niles/Daphne relationship on this show. They are my OTP and there are many great N/D-centric episodes, so you may see a few of those on this list. I don't understand how Daphne can be so oblivious to Niles' feelings for her, but I get it's part of the comedy and this IS a sitcom. 

This is a seminal episode in the series because it's when Daphne finally finds out Niles has feeling for her (but not from him!) and this has been an arc in the series that has been going on for six years. It is a total accident that she finds out, plus you have the added roadblocks of her being engaged to Donny and Niles is dating Mel, who, let's face it, is pretty much Maris 2.0. 

This episode does have some slight cracks, so I really couldn't rank it any higher, but it's too good not to make my list.

First of all, we have a bit of an issue with continuity. Not that it's the biggest deal, but when you're watching all the seasons within a month, you definitely notice things like this. This episode all takes places within one day and that day happens to be Frasier's birthday. His birthday has been mentioned in the first two seasons and it was always at the end of the season, so meaning his birthday is presumably in May. This episode takes place right before this season's Christmas episode. Um, little problem there! But since season 2, they haven't mentioned his birthday, so I think they're just hoping the audience forget about that little detail. Like I said, it's not the biggest deal, but after watching the episode, it didn't even have to be his birthday, so I'm not sure why they make it the setting for this episode. 

Martin gives Frasier a birthday cupcake for breakfast and when Frasier leans over to blow out candle, he throws out his back. Now the joke might be that he threw out his back because he's older now, but no, as we'll later find out, his age is not the reason why he threw out his back. 

Frasier wears a back brace given to him by Martin and goes to work. Both Roz and Niles (who is there to give him a lumbar pillow) think Frasier throwing out his back might be due to stress. Roz tells Frasier she read an article that could help with relieving his stress: go somewhere private and list everything that's bothering him outloud. This seems like a very therapeutic exercise. Since Frasier still seems like he's in pain, Roz tells him they can put on  The Best of Crane, but he says that's not necessary.  When they go on air, he says "Good afternoon, Seattle" in a pained voice and starts sneezing from the flowers the KALC staff gave him for his birthday which makes him fall out of his chair and hurt his back even more. He signals to Roz to play The Best of Crane.

After the commercial break, Niles helps bring Frasier home after visiting the doctor. There is a funny bit where Frasier is trying to find somewhere comfortable to sit and when Niles is in the kitchen getting a glass of water so Frasier can take another pill, he ends up finding his way into Martin's recliner. When Niles sees this, he looks like he's about to faint and exclaims, "Oh my God! Did you fall?" Frasier says he didn't and that he's "quite comfortable" and it's helping his back. He states, "When you sit in it, you don't have to look at it." Niles has to leave soon because he has a lunch date with Mel, but tells Frasier he should consider the advice Roz gave him and that it's possible that his injury is "connected to some submerged anxiety." 

After Niles leaves, Eddie comes and jumps onto Frasier's lap which was hilarious. Hey, you can't blame Eddie since Martin always lets him sit in his lap when he's in that chair! Frasier makes him get off, so he jumps on the couch and stares at Frasier as he usually does. Frasier uses Eddie as a stand-in therapist and starts listing the things that are bothering him like being another year older and being single. The topic turns to Daphne and about how it will be difficult when she moves out once she's married to Donny. He realizes the reason he's been a little short with her lately is because he realizes how much he's going to miss her. (He snapped at her a little that morning, but it wasn't really that big of deal). Now all of this is important to the plot as we'll see later on, but it is a little contrived. It's not that Frasier and Daphne don't have a good relationship, but are they really that close that he's going to be that upset when she moves out? She'll still be around to be Martin's physical therapist. But Frasier needs to be talking about Daphne so she can come out of her bedroom (unbeknownst to him) in her terrycloth robe from after taking shower and so she can hear him say (to Eddie): "It's quite a realization isn't it? I really do love Daphne. And now, I'm about to lose her. I've got to show her how I feel about her while I still have a chance." Daphne looks absolutely horrified and she quietly backs up and races to her room so he won't know she overheard him. A moment later, she comes back out again, making sure he knows she's in the room and exclaims rather loudly, "Oh! Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here! Can't hear anything in that shower of mine. It's like a soundproof vault." This is hilarious, but to me, she's being a tad obvious that she did overhear something. But whether it's because of the pain or he's too distracted with trying to make things better with Daphne, Frasier doesn't seem to notice her odd behavior. He apologizes for being brusque with her that morning and asks her to come over for a hug. Poor Daphne looks so awkward as she's bending down to give him a hug so she's barely touching him. It's pretty obvious she's not wanting any of this.

Martin comes home and sees Daphne sitting at the table looking shocked. (Frasier is in his room at this time). He asks her if she's alright and she tells him she overheard Dr. Crane say he's in love with her and he wants to show her how much he loves her while he still has the chance. The fact that both Frasier and Niles are "Dr. Crane" works very well for the writers of this episode and we get this fun little mix up. Sometime it does get confusing when Daphne is talking to or about both of them and you're not really sure who she's referring to. Of course, Daphne assumes Frasier is in love with her, but Martin knows about Niles' feelings for her and assumes she overheard him. He even tells her, "Oh, geez, not this" and when Daphne asks him, "You know about this?", Martin pretty much confirms that "Dr. Crane" is in love with her by saying he's not getting into the middle of this and that he's "kept his mouth shut for six years." Needless to say, Daphne is shocked that Frasier's felt this way for six years. She's probably even more horrified that she's been living under the same roof as him! This whole scene with Martin is necessary to the episode, but it also gives us a HUGE plot hole.

Frasier comes into the room and tells Daphne he'll take her up on that massage she offered earlier that day. When he suggests they do it in his bedroom, she looks so freaked out. Frasier isn't helping matters by asking her to take off his robe so he's just in his boxers. When he lies down on his bed, ready for his massage, Daphne is cringing, not wanting to touch him. It's so funny, but you do feel bad for her. When she finally places her hands on his back, barely touching him, he groans and she quickly recoils. She says she's catching a draft (she's still wearing her robe) and thinks she should change.

While she's gone, Martin comes in and tells him what Daphne found out about Niles' feelings for her. When Frasier asks how that's possible, Martin tells him she told him she overheard him earlier and that he confirmed it was true. Frasier realizes she was talking about him and it was just a big mix-up and knows he needs to clear things up with her. 

Daphne comes back wearing sweats with a huge zip-up jacket to cover herself up. Frasier clears the air with her and tells her he just loves her as a friend. Daphne is so relieved and says,"Oh, thank god!" and gives him a genuine hug. Now that she feels comfortable around him, she takes off her oversized jacket and cheerfully offers him that massage. The pain meds are starting to kick in and Frasier is starting to get a bit loopy, but he isn't all the way gone yet. He confides to Daphne that he sat in his dad's chair and found it comfortable. Daphne comments, "You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you?" She brings up the fact that Martin said he's known about Dr. Crane being in love with her for six years and wants to know what he meant by that. Frasier, who is barely conscious by now, replies, "Oh, that. He meant Niles. He's crazy about you." The audience reaction is huge. They are literally gasping at Frasier's faux pas. Daphne's expression is pure shock.  She tries to get Frasier to talk some more, but he's passed out.

Later that evening, after Frasier wakes up from his nap, he tells Daphne, "I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't." Daphne thinks he's talking about Niles, but he's actually talking about the chair. It's hilarious that he remembers mentioning the chair, but doesn't remember giving away his brother's feelings for her.

When Daphne goes to answer the door, Martin asks Frasier if he straightened everything out with her and Frasier says he did. Martin is relieved and says that he "almost blew Niles' secret." But, uh, he did! Obviously, the big plot hole here is that Martin already confirmed to Daphne that "Dr. Crane" was in love with her. Even if he hadn't mentioned the six years part, which is what Daphne had latched onto, she still would have figured it out. Once Frasier set things right with her, wouldn't she remember the conversation she had with Martin and figure out that Niles had feelings for her? More importantly, Martin told Frasier that he told Daphne he knew about "Dr. Crane's" feelings for her, so you would think that they would also assume she would figure it out. Especially Martin, who mentioned the six years part which is a huge detail. It's not like Martin has dementia and would forget something like this. Look, I get it's a TV show and they don't want Frasier and Martin knowing they gave anything away, but they should have known the jig is up. 

Niles is at the door and this is the first interaction between him and Daphne with her knowing he likes her. It's also the only interaction they have in this episode. He tells her she looks different, so he senses something, which is very interesting, but just thinks she did something different with her hair. The fact that Niles picks up something is different right away while she has been blissfully aware of his (pretty obvious) feelings for her for seven years just shows how much more perceptive he is than Daphne....but he is a psychiatrist, so it would make sense. 

  8. Dinner Party (Season 6, Episode 17)

"We have a third-rate caterer with a record, two lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz. Dinner is served."

This is an episode that takes place in one night entirely in Frasier's apartment and only uses one title card (which is the same as the title of the episode) and I believe it's the only episode to do so. To be honest, I didn't even notice that until after I rewatched it. 

Frasier tells Niles he's thinking about having a dinner party and asks if he would like to cohost. He says he decided he wanted to throw one because he wants to get to know the "charming couple" of Gene and Hollis Ashby better. The two brothers look through their appointment books to find a date that will work for both of them for their dinner party. (Now if this was taking place today, they'd be looking at their iPhones!) Niles says the 11th is good for him, but Frasier says he has concert tickets and he's taking a date. Niles makes a note for the 11th: "expect last-minute desperate call from F." The fact that he does that right in front of Frasier is hilarious. They both have the 19th free. 

When Martin comes home, Frasier tells him they're having a dinner party. Martin tells them that sounds great as long as it's "any night but the 19th". Ha, of course! That's the night he's hosting his poker game and he doesn't want to reschedule because it would be too much of a hassle. He does agree to change the day when Frasier tells him if he moves his poker game, he'll cover his losses for that night.  

Frasier and Niles want to try to book Cornell Evans to cater the event. Unfortunately, he is not free on the 19th, the only day he seems to be free is the 11th.  Niles suggests Tyler Wilkins, someone who used to work with Cornell, but they are now "mortal enemies". Apparently, "they were catering a seafood banquet when Cornell flew into a rage because Tyler had ordered mahi mahi instead of ahi. Tyler blamed is on Cornell's stutter and they haven't spoken since." Tyler is available for the 19th so they book him. 

Now it's time to make the guest list. They agree to invite eight guests and of course the Ashbys will be invited, so that leaves them with six people to invite, or more specifically, three couples. Niles tells Frasier, "We have to have Joan and Ted Berkin. That's a no-brainer." Frasier replies,  "Technically, that's two no-brainers. Forget the Berkins." They argue about the Berkins and Frasier decides they "will each have the right to blackball three guests." He brings a bowl of walnuts (I think that's what it was) over to the table and gives himself and Niles three each and immediately nixes the Berkins.

Niles suggests Jon and Carol Petersen; Frasier blackballs them. (OMG, Frasier would be terrible on Survivor! He has no strategy at all!) Niles next suggests the Duncans which Frasier refers to as "the Drunken Duncans." He's about to blackball them when he realizes that Niles is trying to make him waste his last walnut. Niles insists that he loves them, so Frasier puts them on the invite list. Niles gives in and  blackballs them himself because of course he can't stand them either. (Not sure why they're friends with people they don't even like! Guess it's all part of being in the in-crowd). 

Finally, they have made their invite list (even though Frasier tries to cheat by blackballing a couple after he's used all his walnuts, but Niles is quick to catch this out). They start calling everyone, starting with their guests of honor, the Ashbys. They can't make it on the 19th, but they're free the 11th. You think this would have been the first priority to see which date would work best for their guests of honor before deciding anything else.

Since the whole point of the party is to get to know the Ashbys, they decide to move the party to the 11th. Frasier will just forgo his date and concert tickets. Unfortunately, there's a little hitch (well let's be honest -  there will be a lot of little hitches to follow!) because now they have to invite the Duncans because they had plans with the Ashbys on the 11th.  

I have so many questions:

1. If the Ashbys already had plans for the 11th, why did they tell Frasier they were free that day?

2. Why are the Ashbys, a "charming couple" friends with the "drunken Duncans"? Maybe the Ashbys aren't as great as Frasier thought they were!

Okay, I only had two questions.

Niles, who blackballed the Duncans wants his walnut back, but Frasier says no. I think Niles should have gotten it back. That seems fair to me. Now that they're having the party on the 11th, Frasier says they can get Cornell to cater. He gets on his phone to reserve Cornell and Niles gets on his to cancel Tyler. They're walking as they're talking and bump into each other (yeah, who didn't see this coming!), dropping their phones which both look exactly alike. They pick up the wrong phone (of course!) and quickly realize they're talking to the wrong person and try to switch back, but it's too late. Now neither will cater for them and they go with a caterer "whose charges were dropped". I want to know what that's all about! We never get that back story. 

Frasier calls the Duncans next to invite them and we learn that "Joaquim is coming in from Argentina". The Cranes think this means Joaqium Juarez, the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic. They are ecstatic by this news. The Duncans are named Arch and Nina and Frasier goes, "Don't cry for me, Arch and Nina!" 

Because of the Duncans and Joaquim now on the guest list, they have to cut two couples and find a single female. Not sure why the extra seat has to be a woman, but we get a joke when Roz and Daphne, who had been in Daphne's room getting for a party, walk out of the room and Niles tells Roz they need a single, interesting woman to join their party and does she know anybody? Roz looks honored at first as he's talking, but then she gets (rightfully!) pissed off. Frasier tells her this isn't her crowd and she gets even more offended. 

Then Martin comes out of his room and tells them he changed his poker night to the 11th and mentions how one of the guys had to reschedule his surgery. Niles tells him that they rescheduled the dinner party for the 11th. Martin says she's not going to reschedule the game again and Frasier tells him they can hold both parties simultaneously. When he starts describing how the party is going to be, Martin can't stand it and says he'll change it. 

While Frasier and Niles are in the kitchen, they come back in the living room and see that a message has been left by Allison Wolpert, one half of another couple they had invited. She tells them that she and her husband will be there and after she thinks she's hung up we can hear her talking to her husband, saying they got invited to a dinner party at Dr. Crane's. The husband wants to know which one and she replies, "Does it matter? You get the one, you get the other one. Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little..." Her husband realizes she hasn't quite hung up and then we hear a dial tone. 

Frasier thinks the end to that sentence was "odd", but Niles points out she never said "odd" and they're getting upset over nothing.  Frasier asks, "Is there a good end to the sentence?" Dot, dot, dot indeed! They start to argue who is "the one" and who is "that other one". 

They start to question if they spend too much time together and even ask their dad if they think they're odd. He tells them that they're "just special." 

Nina Duncan calls back to tell Frasier that Joaquim can only eat certain foods. Frasier thinks this is "exotic", but is confused when he starts listing out the foods aloud: rice, beans, jerked beef. After he hangs up, he tells Niles that Joaquim is the Duncans' nine-year old foster child who "gets nauseated when he eats American food." I'm sorry, but why are these people inviting a NINE-YEAR-OLD to some fancy schmancy dinner party? Was Joaquim involved in the original plans with the Ashbys? And what were there original plans that day anyway? Why did the Ashbys even tell Frasier they were free on the 11th when they had plans? I know, I already asked this question. I do love this episode, but there are a few plot holes! 

Frasier decides to invite Roz to basically watch this kid. Frasier tells her he would love for her to join them and she's touched by this seemingly sincere gesture. He says he "has an interesting dinner companion" for her. He is in for a world of hurt when Roz finds out. She wants to make sure it's "not some stuffy old coot", but the Cranes assure her he's "very young". Roz agrees and they have all the guests invited.

Then the Ashbys call only to tell them they can't make it. If you ask me, the Ashbys seem super shady. Niles says he has one walnut left band blackballs himself. Frasier says he can't do that, but then realizes they just need to cancel the whole thing. That's probably for the best because Roz would have kicked his ass for setting her up to be the baby-sitter of a nine-year-old. 

7. A Tsar is Born (Season 7, Episode 7)

"That's pretty much what I figured."

Frasier and Niles have planned an evening of watching Antiques Roadshow together (complete with wine and cheese of course!); however their plans are hindered when Martin is home even though they thought he would be out for the evening. He tells them his plans got canceled and that they can have the TV in an hour after he watches his "game show". When he explains the show as, "People bring in all their junk from their attics and these experts tell them what it's worth" they realize he likes the same show as they do. When Frasier tells him that's what he and Niles were going to watch, Martin looks baffled. Niles says,  "I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended." Ha! This is definitely a rare occurrence when Martin has something in common with his sons.

So we see the three of them have a nice bonding experience as they watch the show. They even make it into a drinking game whenever the word "veneer" is uttered. At one point, you hear someone on the show say "veneer" about five times in one sentence and they're all trying to keep up with their drinking. When they find out the show is coming to Seattle next Saturday, they decide to attend. 

Martin brings a pewter bear clock which Frasier and Niles are embarrassed by. They don't think it will be worth anything. Martin finds an appraiser and calls his sons over because the show wants to get him on TV. Frasier tells Niles they can't appear on TV with "that hideous thing." Niles adds, "Everyone we know watches this program." 

Martin is excited and Frasier warns him just because they want to haver him on TV doesn't mean the clock is worth anything and it could go either way. Martin assures him he knows that and tells him, "Doesn't matter if it's worth $2 or $2000. I'm just going to say, 'That's pretty much what I figured'."When the filming is about to start, Niles and Frasier stand out of frame, telling Martin, "This is your moment" after he tries to get them to join him. 

The appraiser tells Martin about the clock: "It's Russian, made in the mid-19th century." Martin says, "That's pretty much what I figured." The appraiser continues, calling it "a stunning piece" and that "It was made by Andrei Kuragin who worked for Tsar Alexander II." Martin repeats his line of "That's pretty much what I figured." Now when he said he was going to say that, I just thought that meant in reference to whatever the clock would be worth! By the way, I Googled Andrei Kuragin; doesn't appear to be a real person! 

When the appraiser says, "I don't know if you're descended from there Romanoffs, Martin, but all of Kuragin's known bear clocks were done exclusively for the Romanoff family are are now in the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg." When he says this, Frasier look like he's about to faint and he grabs Nile's hand. They inch closer and closer until they're in the frame. This is one of the funniest moments of the show. In the subtitles, they have it as "Romanoff", but I always thought it was "Romanov", but I guess you can spell it either way. 

The appraiser tells them the clock is worth at least $25,000 and Martin lights up and exclaims, "Ka-ching!" This is a call back to when they were watching the show and when a piece on that episode is valued at $8,000, Martin says the same thing. If he thought eight grand warranted a "ka-ching!", then he must have been thrilled by the value of his own object! Frasier puts his arm around Martin and says, "What he means is, that's pretty much what we figured."

At home, Frasier asks Martin about the bear being from Russia, Martin tells his sons, "It probably got passed down through your great-great grandmother. She was from Russia." Frasier casually says the appraiser "said something about the Romanoff family" (he says "Romanoff" as though he can't quite remember the name which is super hilarious). Martin asks them, "Sure you want to hear about this? I guess you would've found out anyway after I died." He pauses with a serious look on his face, then continues, "We're royalty." Frasier and Niles looks positively giddy. After Martin continues with, "But I didn't want you to grow up spoiled so I abdicated and took a job in Seattle on the police force," they realize he's joking with them. I just love it when Martin messes with them. 

Frasier and Niles still want to pursue why they have the clock and think maybe their grandmother could be a descendant of the Romanoffs. Frasier thinks they should research their family tree. With the help of the Internet and some research at the library, they find out their great great grandmother emigrated from Russia in 1879 and the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879. They think this can't be a coincidence. Frasier has gotten in touch with an attaché at the Russian embassy named Dr. Myshkin who is an expert on the Romanoff family and he calls Frasier to tell him he would like to meet with him that night because he "has some important information" for him. Frasier and Niles thinks for sure this means he's going to tell them that they're descendants of the Romanoffs. 

Martin tells them the phone has been ringing off the hook and everybody wants to buy the clock. He was even offered $26,000 by someone and says he's going buy a "big honkin' fishing boat." Of course, Frasier and Niles are horrified by this, so Frasier tells him that he and Niles could sell the clock for him and get more money - at least $30,000. Martin agrees. 

That evening, Dr. Myshkin tells them the clock is authentic. He has a copy of the diary of Princess Sonya Romanoff (again, I Googled this name, and again, not a real person), daughter to Tsar Alexander II.  He tells them at the age of eighteen, she fell in love with an American and that "such a union would be forbidden." So she "decided to give everything up for love and enlisted the aid of a scullery maid who smuggled money, clothing and this bear clock out of the palace." Her plan was to elope to America, but when she found her way to the train station, "The scullery maid had absconded with everything including the clock." 

Now I remembered this episode and knew the scullery maid was the one related to the Cranes. I don't think it's supposed to come as a surprise when he reveals this to the brothers, but Frasier and Niles don't realize what's going on, or more likely, they're too arrogant and narcissistic to think they could ever be related to a lowly scullery maid. Frasier asks the Romaoff expert, "But tell us, how did we get our clock back?" and this is when he reveals to them their ancestor is the scullery maid. Holding the clock, he tells them its rightful place is in the Hermitage Museum. Frasier and Niles aren't thrilled by this and Dr. Myshkin tells them they could "settle this in the courts, but [they] wouldn't win". Frasier still claims it's a "precious family heirloom". When Myshkin tells them their ancestor also "worked as a prostitute in New York," Frasier tells him, "Enjoy your bear."

And if that isn't bad enough, Martin comes home just as Dr. Myshkin is leaving with the clock. He thinks Frasier and Niles sold it and tells them he hopes they got $30,000 for it because that's what he paid for the new Winnebago he bought (guess he changed his mind about the fishing boat!) So not only are Frasier and Niles NOT descended from royalty, they are also both out fifteen grand. 

6. Moon Dance (Season 3, Episode 13)

"I'm a dancer. A dancer dances!"

Aside from the episode where they get together (er, spoiler alert for the series and spoiler alert for this list!), this is my favorite episode centered around the Niles/Daphne relationship. I want to say this is the one that cemented me as a N/D shipper, but, like, I don't really remember, so I'll just say it is because I do love this episode. Also, Daphne totally missed her calling as being a ballroom dance teacher. 

In the opening scene, it is established that Frasier will be taking Frederick to Williamsburg, so aside from this scene and another quick scene he's in, he's barely in this episode. This is really all Niles' and Daphne's episode. 

Niles is upset because Maris is in the Society Page of the newspaper, on the arm of a new beau. It appears she has had many men vying for her attention (because she's rich, right? It can't be because of her looks or personality! The way they describe her on this show, she sounds like the most horrendous person ever). Martin tells Niles he should get out there and start dating too. Oh, I should point out this episode takes place when Niles and Maris are separated, but you probably already knew that. 

The next evening, Niles announces he has a date next Saturday night with Marjorie Nash, "the 'fruit on the bottom' yogurt heiress". He says she's "terribly haughty" and rumors are still swirling around about her husband's death, "but a date's a date!"  Daphne aside, I do question Niles' taste in women. Clearly, he just wants to date high society, hoity-toity women, which makes his feelings for Daphne all the more interesting. She is beautiful and charming, but she does not come from money and she is very down to earth and quirky. There is not a pretentious bone in her body. 

Niles and Marjorie will be attending their club's annual winter dance, The Snow Ball. Martin tells him, "I didn't know you could dance." This surprised me because I would have thought the Crane brothers would have taken dance lessons when they were young. Apparently not. Niles mentions that whenever he went to these dances with Maris, she never wanted to dance because she doesn't like "public displays of rhythm". He starts to panic when he realizes he might actually have to dance, so Daphne offers to give him dance lessons. She learned many ballroom dances from her brother, Billy. Of course, she doesn't have to twist Niles' arm; he's quickly moving the coffee table out of the way so they have room to dance. 

Martin tells him it's all a matter of coordination: "Hell, if you can ride a bike or skip rope or kick a ball, you can certainly..."He stops talking when he realizes who he's talking about, ha! 

Through the magic of TV, we see time has elapsed as Daphne teaches Niles difference dances. When she goes to her room to get a tape (remember, we are still in the 20th century), Niles receives a phone call from Marjorie who has to cancel. Now, we never get a reason why she cancelled, so I wonder if whatever excuse she gave Niles was legit, if she even gave him a reason. Not that it really matters. Clearly Marjorie was a plot device, we were never meant to meet her. Also, I think Niles would have had a terrible time with her because she doesn't sound very pleasant! 

Niles doesn't tell Daphne his date has been cancelled because he's enjoying his time with her a little too much. Martin knows his date has been cancelled and when the three of them are at Cafe Nervosa the next day, he finds out that Daphne still think his date is on. While she's ordering their coffees, he asks Niles why he didn't tell her his date was cancelled. He tells him, "I wanted to, but she's just having so much fun." Martin doesn't buy this at all and knows about Nile's intentions. He tells him he "in dangerous territory", that they'll be in a romantic situation and he'll say something he can't take back and it will be awkward for them. Niles says he has "no intention of saying anything." This episode aside, he is right about that. He actually never reveals his feelings for Daphne until much, much later. He's had moments where he's come close, but chickened out and there is that scene in "The Ski Lodge" where he's drunk and thinks she's in the bathroom when he bursts into her room and tells her how he feels, but it was actually her friend who thought he was talking to her. 

However, he does agree with his dad, so when Daphne comes back with their coffees, Niles fesses up and tells her his date has been cancelled. Daphne think it's a shame to waste all their hard work and invites herself to the ball which Niles gleefully accepts.

When Frasier comes home, it's the evening of the ball. Martin is about to tell him what's been going on with Niles and Daphne, but Frasier cuts him off and tells him he's "technically still on vacation until 10 am tomorrow." Martin tries to tell him again, but Frasier doesn't care: "I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off again romance with the ottoman." As far as Frasier is concerned, he is not there! This is when the doorbell rings and he sees Daphne in this stunning red dress answer the door to Niles in his tux and they leave together. He wants to know what that was all about, but Martin pretends he didn't hear anything and says, "Eddie, did you hear anything? Can't be Frasier. He's still on vacation." Haha, I wonder if he eventually did tell Frasier the whole story? He probably did, but I'm sure it came with a price.

At the ball, when Daphne refers to Niles as "Dr. Crane", he asks her if she can call him Niles "just for tonight." I believe this is the first time we hear her call him just "Niles". 

Niles runs into a couple who say how sorry they are about him and Maris and it's clear they're not being sincere and looking down their noses at him. He tells Daphne that his high society friends think that while "Maris is out living the high life, he's sitting at home, crushed and lonely." Daphne tells him not to worry, they'll show them their wrong. Again, through the magic of TV, we see time as clasped as they waltz around the ballroom to several dances and both are very happy. They're taking a break when the tango starts and Daphne wants to dance, but Niles wants to sit it out. It doesn't take much to convince him after she tell him "their bodies must be in constant contact without a sliver of daylight. Niles claims, "I can do that!" 

While they're dancing, encouraged by Daphne, Niles blurts out that he adores her and when they're back to back, he covers his mouth, but then she says it back. By the end of the dance, they've stolen the floor and everyone is watching them. They even share a kiss, which I believe is the first time they kiss.

When they sit at their table, Niles is "looking down at cloud nine", as he previously states. He looks positively happy and asks Daphne if she has any idea what he's feeling. Daphne says she does and that his friends look "dumbstruck". As she turns her head to survey the room, she tells him, "I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor. We fooled everyone, we didn't?" Niles looks so crestfallen and it's so sad! He is able to compose himself when Daphne looks back at him. The "we fooled everyone" will come back in reference to N/D much, much later and it's clearly a callback to this episode. Very clever and very good continuity. Of course, I have seen some not so good continuity on this show as well. Ahem, Frasier's birthday, for instance. 

While Daphne is in the restroom, an attractive women named Claire who is an associate at Niles' attorney's offices offers Niles her number to call her anytime for dancing. We never do see her again, but I guess this scene is just to show us Niles won't have a problem trying to find a date in the future. 

 5. Ham Radio (Season 4, Episode 18)

"We used to romp in the fens and spinneys..."

This popular and fan favorite episode revolves around Frasier taking on a special project for KACL's 50th anniversary. They used to air live radio dramas, so he's going to "recreate the very first mystery [they] ever aired, Nightmare Inn." The plot is about a Scotland Yard detective investigating a double murder at an inn. He has 30 minutes of air time and it will be airing Saturday night. 

He gets Roz, Gil, and Bulldog to play parts in the film. He's also scored with getting a professional actor; a man who is the husband of someone who works in accounting. He will be taking on the role of seven smaller parts. Frasier even agrees to let Bulldog's flavor of the month girlfriend, Maxine, play the part of the maid (but probably because she only has one simple line - "Look out! He's got a gun!").  

His play is pretty much cast except for the lead, the Scotland Yard inspector. He hasn't found anyone talented enough to play him, so takes on the role. He acts like it's an imposition, but of course, we know he wanted to be the lead all along. 

The night before the show is to air, they all meet at Frasier's apartment to rehearse (not sure why they waited til the night before to rehearse and why they only rehearsed one night, but that's neither here nor there). Everyone is there except for Maxine who, according to Bulldog, has food poisoning as a result of wrestling in bad Jell-o. Daphne is there to time them so Frasier asks her to read the part of the maid. 

They start their read-through and it doesn't take long for Frasier to criticize the professional actor. He critiques his German accent as sounding more Austrian. The actor claims, "I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage" to which Frasier replies, "Perhaps they have different standards than I have." Well, knowing Frasier, he certainly does have high standards. It doesn't get any better: during other read-throughs, he tells the actor his "gamekeeper sounded too cultured, his Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and [his] dwarf was too tall." Unsurprisingly, the actor gets fed up and quits. 

If that weren't bad enough, they still can't get the play to 30 minutes. It's over by two minutes and twenty seconds, so Frasier has some editing to do. (Again, why did they wait until the last minute to rehearse? That seems very un-Frasier like). 

Roz asks Frasier, "Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?" and we see Frasier is on the phone and talking to Niles. When Niles comes to the studio the next day, he's worried because he didn't get the script. Of course, this is because Frasier doesn't want him to know he's playing the part of six characters, so he tells Niles that he had to work on editing it (which was technically true) and that he'll cue him as they go along. 

Maxine is over her food poisoning and Frasier is surprised when Bulldog tells him she needs to study her line because she has dyslexia. Yeah, I think we know where this is going. 

Roz comes in and her mouth is full of novocaine, having just spent the last two hours in the dentist's chair because of an emergency. She said the dentist said the novocaine would wear off by now, but the way she's talking, it definitely hasn't. Let's just say her line, "I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer" sounds like a garbled mess. 

We see Daphne and Martin getting ready to listen at home.  Daphne tells Martin even though she already knows the plot, she'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer. Martin says, "Great, as a cop, I hated it when people did that."

The show starts and it does not go to plan at all. Roz is barely understandable; by his third character, Niles is looking alarmed; Bulldog gets stage fright and doesn't speak his lines (instead, Noel, who's operating the sound board rings a bell to signify Bulldog's character); the phone rings after Frasier's Inspector says the phone lines have been cut and they are "totally stranded and completely isolated from any contact from the outside moment"; Maxine predictably says, "Look out! He's got a nug!" and Gil is upset that Frasier had to cut his character's speech "about his boyhood in Surrey." 

During the commercial break, Frasier tells Gil to just say "I'm dying" after he's shot. When the show resumes, Gil does say that, but also continues with his big speech. Frasier pops a balloon, signifying a gun shot and says Nigel (Gil's character) was shot again. Gil says it only grazed him and continues on with his speech. Irritated, Frasier pops another balloon and says, "The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!" Gil STILL tries to continue his speech by knocking on the prop door and saying he's Nigel's twin brother. Frasier pops another balloon (good thing they had a good supply of balloons!) and says, "And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family." 

Back at the apartment, we see Martin say, "I sure didn't see that one coming." Daphne agrees and says, "This is turning into a bloodbath." I'm surprised they didn't have her say the play was nothing at all like the one she heard last night. 

The murderer, Hans, is one of the many characters Niles plays. He is surprised as he reads the line, "I'm not a butler, I'm not even German." He speaks in his regular voice and as he's trying to tell the Inspector what's really going on, he gets very annoyed as Frasier is directing him. In the beginning scene of the show, it was established that Niles thought Frasier had a tendency to over direct. He gets so irritated that he stops the speech and says, "I'm just going to take this gun off the table." With the remaining balloons, he starts popping them one by one, killing off all his characters (I loved when he asks the McCallister sisters to stand back to back because he's short on bullets; at this point he only has three balloons left), as well as the characters of Roz (who looks super relieved) and Bulldog. He uses the last balloon to kill off Hans telling everyone, "the mystery will die with me." 

Frasier ends with, "Well, then. That pretty much wrapped things up. Hans was a mass murderer." He's about to end the show, but the producer is signaling they have nine minutes left. I bet he wished he let Gil have his speech now! 

4. The Seal Who Came to Dinner (Season 6, Episode 8)

 "So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused it in perfume, and stabbed it." 

There's a few episodes that dabble in the crime genre and this is one of them. Death Trap, where Frasier and Niles finds a skull in their old childhood home and think the landlord killed his wife and an early episode where Frasier tries to "help" Martin solve a murder from his years of working as a cop are also good crime-related episodes. 

Niles' gourmet club is holding elections to see who will win this year's Golden Apron. He is a finalist and each finalist will host a dinner party at their home. Since this is during the time he's living at the Shangrai-La, he asks Frasier if he can have it at his place. Frasier only agrees because one of the guests, Claudia Kynock, who owns six newspapers and nine radio stations, will be there. This is during the time when Frasier doesn't have a job. 

Niles has gotten the famous sculptor turned chef Marcel Dubouef to cater. He will making his all truffle menu: "For the appetizer, he sculpts tiny mushroom trees. Then he carves radishes to look like truffle pigs snuffling around the roots." Oh my God, that is so extra. Also, if you're trying to win something called the Golden Apron, that kind of implies that YOU should cook the meal yourself. Though, I'm sure none of the other people in this gourmet club made their own meals for their dinner parties. 

Meteor showers are predicted for that evening and Niles says they'll have a perfect dinner in the perfect setting with an excellent view.  He gasps when he sees a piece of tape on the balcony window. Frasier says it's a small crack, a bird flew into it and he's replacing the pane next week. He says no one will notice. Honestly, I am shocked that he says that because it is pretty noticeable and this is the same person who freaked out when Martin's chair made a nick in the floor when he and Niles were trying to move it when they were holding a wine-tasting party. I would say the tape on the glass was way more noticeable than the scuff on the floor! Niles say his rivals are "cutthroat" and "will leap on the tiniest imperfection." 

Lucky for him, Maris is in Antwerp "having her elbows done" (seriously, WTF?). She has a beach house that will give a beautiful view of the meteor shower and he is confident he can get past the alarm. Martin asks, "Isn't that breaking and entering?" Niles replies, "It can't be a crime if it's catered!" Oh, God, I can just see him on the stand now.

When Niles and Frasier get to the beach house (they never say where it's located), they hear Maris's neighbor and friend, an old woman named Gretchen, call Maris's name. Niles tells Frasier to go hide in the kitchen and when Gretchen comes over, she tells Niles that Maris told her their marriage ended. Niles says they patched everything up and they're back together and Maris is in the kitchen. 

After she leaves, Niles turns on a lamp by clapping his hands. He tells Frasier Maris got it after the power went out during a storm once. It's battery-operated and works on a clapper, but, as Niles tells his brother, "The poor thing could never clap hard enough to activate it." I swear every time they describe Maris, I wonder how is it even physically possible she could be alive? But her physical descriptions are so outrageous, that's what makes it so funny (and why they never cast anyone to play her because it is physically impossible to look like that and still be alive!) 

They go outside on the deck to admire the view, then immediately start gagging because they smell something foul. It's a dead seal laying on the beach next to a dinghy, but as Frasier points out, "On the bright side there's not a single crack in these windows!" Niles calls animal control to ask them to remove the seal. He tells them it's deceased, but when he finds out they only handle live animals, he changes his story and says, "Oh wait, I was mistaken, It's not dead after all. It's sitting up. It looks very disoriented. Come quickly!" Frasier takes the phone from him and asks how they can dispose of a dead seal. When he hangs up, he tells Niles they have two options: they can bury it or haul it out to sea. If they do the latter, animal control suggested they stab holes on it so it doesn't float. Niles is repulsed by the idea of stabbing it, so he thinks they should bury it. (Okay, I've never had to deal with this situation in my life, but I think hauling it out to sea would be easier...says the girl who lives in the Midwest). 

They go inside to find shovels. Chef Marcel arrives and they need to make sure he doesn't see the seal or he'll leave. As Niles tells Frasier, "He won't let anything upstage his food." As Marcel and his sous chefs go into the kitchen, Niles finds two plastic shovels and a bucket, something a little kid would play with on the beach. Frasier asks him, "What's the matter, Niles? You couldn't find any demitasse spoons?" 

He suggests they stick the seal in the dingy and haul it out to sea. Niles agrees, but refuses to touch it with his bare hands. Frasier tells him to get a sheet to wrap it in, but since all the beds are stripped and the linen cabinets are locked, the best he can come up with is Maris's peach peignoir to wrap it in. He also gets some perfume to cover the smell. After he sprays the seal with the perfume he asks Frasier if he thinks that helped. Frasier replies,"Oh, yes, Niles. It smells so lovely now, it's almost a shame to bury it." 

A moment later, we see them come back with the boat, soaking wet. They look like they jumped into the water with their clothes on. Niles makes a comment that that stench is still quite strong and when they turn back to look at the shore, they see the tide has washed the seal back. All that hard work (and getting soaked!) for nothing. Niles thinks they should row it back out and weigh it down with something and Frasier suggest they use the clap on/clap off lamp. The guests will be arriving in fifteen minutes so Niles asks Frasier if he can go alone because he needs to get ready. Frasier agrees, but he's not happy about it. 

The fact that they both managed to get cleaned, dried off, and dressed in fifteen minutes is absolutely ridiculous, but welcome to TV world. The title card after the commercial break is very clever:  "Their fête is sealed." Give the writer who came up with that a raise. I have to admit, there are times when I have no idea what the title card is referring to, or I just forget what it was, but this is one of those times when it works very well.

The party seems to be going quite smoothly. Niles tells everyone to claim a spot on the deck for the meteor shower and opens the curtains to the doors. They all go outside and one guy complains about a lot of gnats and claps his hand against his neck. What do we have here? Oh, it's Chekov's lamp! Niles immediately claps to turn it off. Soon, many people are swatting gnats away and every time they inadvertently turn on the lamp, Frasier or Niles clap back to turn off the light. Claudia wants to know what's on the beach and Frasier tells her, "It's just a rock with some seaweed on it." Niles tells everyone to go back inside because dinner should be served soon. When he and Frasier are alone on the deck, he tells him to stab it, but Frasier refuses. Niles finally gives in and tells Frasier to get him a knife, close the curtains, and not to let anyone outside until he comes back. 

While Frasier is standing guard, a woman says she saw a meteor and Frasier says, "Everyone, please stand back and witness the spectacular view through this transom." Of course, it's just these small triangle-shaped panes above the doors and they provide absolutely no good view of anything. Someone wants to know why they can't go outside to see them and Frasier says it's much safer if they stay in here because you never know where they might land. Even so, wouldn't you at least want to open the curtain? Before anyone can point out that logic to him, the doorbell rings and it's the police asking for a Niles Crane. He's "investigating a possible homicide" and a neighbor (we all know who!) "saw Dr. Crane and another man row out to sea with a third party dressed in a nightie. The men returned alone. We suspect they dumped the body overboard." Whoa, this just became an episode of the many true crime podcasts I listen to! 

Frasier tries to clear things up by telling them he was the other man in the boat. I laughed so hard when Claudia exclaims, "You dumped a body overboard?" Gretchen shows up at that moment to tell the police what she saw: "Dr. Crane was on the beach with his wife, Maris. I recognized her peignoir. I could even smell her perfume. He was stabbing her again and again!" This got really dark! 

Frasier tells the cops they can search the house: "I defy you to find one scrap of evidence that there's been foul play here."Of course, after he says that, Cher Marcel comes out from the kitchen and says his butcher knife is gone. 

A second cop opens the curtains and we see Niles right outside the window wiping blood off the knife. When he notices the cop, he quickly tosses the knife away. It is the funniest thing (funny because we know nobody was murdered!) because everyone is staring at him and saw him cleaning blood off a knife. He comes inside to tell them the meteor show has started. He notices he's still wearing black gloves and quickly removes them. I don't know if this is supposed to be a wink at the OJ Simpson murder trial as this did air three years after that, so by that time it may have been old news? IDK. 

Frasier tells him they should explain to everyone about the dead seal, but Niles just looks at him in disbelief and says, "Dead seal? At my Golden Apron dinner? That's enough bubbly for you." Frasier tells him they all think he murdered Maris, so they both tell what happened with the seal. Everyone is having trouble understanding why they would dress the seal in a nightgown and spray it with perfume. When one of the cops come back with the bloody robe, Niles says, "If that doesn't prove my innocent, I don't know what does." Hmm, I think it might be a good thing Niles is not a lawyer! 

The cops don't believe their outlandish story and Frasier and Niles are handcuffed as they are led to the cop cars to be taken to the police station. Niles tells them his wife is in Antwerp having her elbows done. Frasier tells him even he didn't believe that one. Guess Niles didn't win that Golden Apron! 

     3. Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Season 7, Episodes 23-24)

"I was wondering if you might be free for a date."

Even though this is technically two episodes (titled as Part 1 and Part 2), I'm counting it as one hour-long episode. If you even add the episode previous to this, Dark Side of the Moon, it works well as a trilogy. I refer to these episodes as the wedding episode even though no wedding actually takes place. I call it that because the episode is set around Daphne and Donny's upcoming wedding (especially the second part). 

In the first part, Daphne confides in Frasier that she knows Niles has feelings for her. Frasier is so haughty, demanding who told her and thinks it must have been Roz. (Poor Roz gets the blame for spilling the beans to Daphne when she had nothing to do with it). Daphne tells him it was him and he's surprised he was the one who blabbed. When she tells Frasier she think she has feelings for Niles, he tells her she needs to talk to Niles about this and that it will be easier to do it before the wedding (which is in a couple days).

Niles has gone away with Mel for a couple days and they end up eloping while they're away. Ruh-roh! Unfortunately, it was talking with Frasier that gave Niles the idea to marry Mel. He tells Martin the news first. You can tell Martin is not happy by this, but he puts on a front for Niles' benefit. You can also tell the audience isn't thrilled because you hear literal gasps. Niles say he doesn't want to tell Daphne until later because he doesn't want to take away from her wedding. There is a funny scene where Frasier and Daphne come back to the apartment and Daphne tells Frasier to get rid of Martin, and Niles (who still needs to tell Frasier the news) tells his dad to have Daphne leave. Martin and Frasier end up on the elevator together with the guise they're going to the store, but Martin ends up telling Frasier what happened and Frasier runs back to the apartment before Daphne can talk to Niles. She does end up finding out about the marriage through Mel and congratulates them, but of course, she's devastated. Poor Daphne! (Also, uh, poor Donny...here's his future wife crying because another man got married to a woman who isn't her). 

The second part all takes place the day before the wedding at the inn where it's being held. While we don't see the garden where the wedding is to take place, it does look like a classy place for a wedding. This is the first time Frasier's seen Daphne since she found out Niles and Mel got married. She tells him she's fine and that she was just feeling "wedding jitters". 

After the rehearsal dinner (which is offscreen), Frasier and Martin are in the piano bar/lounge area having a drink and Frasier tells Martin that Daphne knows about how Niles feels about her. Martin wants to know how she found out, but Frasier says that's not important, though he will once again throw Roz under the bus as being the one who blabbed. (As I already pointed out in "Back Talk", Martin should've known that Daphne would've figured it out from what he told her!) Martin tells Frasier that he can't tell Niles anything about this because Niles says he's happy with Mel. It's a little surprising that Martin tells Frasier not to meddle because he is definitely not thrilled about Niles marrying Mel. Frasier says that Daphne told him she was happy with Donny, but he isn't sure if he believes either one of them. Martin warns him there are two marriage on the line so he better know what he's doing before he get involved. 

Daphne and Donny join Frasier and Martin at the bar. Daphne mentions she wished they had gotten a toast from Martin, but he says he would have felt awkward. Daphne says it's okay, that she should be toasting him. The bartender gives Martin a Ballentine, his favorite beer. He says, "You know, I just found out they're going to quit making this stuff. It's going to her one sad day when I get down to my last one. You get used to having something in your life. It's part of your day. Just take it for granted. Then suddenly, it's gone and you realize how much it meant to you." It's really sweet and Daphne thinks so too and squeezes his hand. 

Niles and Mel join them.  The music is playing and Donny asks Mel to dance since it's his last night as a "carefree bachelor". Daphne and Niles make small talk and after Daphne says she loves the song that's playing, Niles asks if she wants to dance. Daphne says it will give them "a chance to keep an eye on those two." Yeah, I don't think those two are the ones that need to be watched! But to be fair to her, she has no intention of saying anything to Niles and isn't about to do anything rash. Niles comments, "It's been awhile since we've danced together" which is a nice little call back to "Moon Dance". Frasier is sitting at a table, watching them dance and notices the way they look at each other when they're dancing with their respective partners.  

Frasier brings Niles to his room at the inn to tell him that Daphne knows he has feelings for her and she's known for a long time. When Niles asks how, Frasier replies, "Well, it's a long story. I think Roz said something. Anyway, she knows." Poor Roz! Just getting flung under that bus left and right here. Niles thinks he's just dropping this bombshell on him because Frasier doesn't approve of his marriage. Perhaps Frasier should have started with Daphne also having feelings for him. He does tell Niles that she did deny it once she found out he was married. 

There's a knock on the door and it's Mel saying that Niles had their only roomkey (okay, what kind of place is this where they only give out ONE key to a room that has two people?) and he apologies and lets her in through Frasier's room. Now I need to pause for a minute and explain the set up of these rooms. It's so odd. I understand it's for the sake of the TV show, but it is so odd. Not only is Frasier's room connected to Niles' and Mel's room, but it's also connected to Daphne's and Donny's room. I can kinda understand his room connecting to the one with Niles, but it's super weird that his room is adjourned to the couple getting married. But like I said, it's all for the sake of the episode, but it would make absolutely no sense in the real world. 

Mel tells Niles it's okay and that he has "a whole lifetime to make it up to [her]." The audience laughs nervously at that. I don't know about that! Once Mel is in their room, Niles (predictably) starts hyperventilating and tells Frasier he needs to talk to Daphne. 

He gets Daphne to come in and talk to him and I have to wonder if she knows what's up. She looks pretty nervous and she just saw Frasier leave so she knows they were alone in the room before she was there so I think she knows that Frasier spilled her little secret to Niles. And what other reason would Niles want to talk to her the day before her wedding? Also, when he offers her a drink, she just starts rambling like she doesn't want him to say anything, so she totally knows why he wants to talk to her. 

Finally, after all this time, Niles tells Daphne that he loves her and the audience gasps. I just love how invested the audience is in this relationship. I mean, it only took Jim and Pam three seasons before they got together and they were married by season five. (I should probably fact check this - I've only seen The Office once Okay, so it looks like they get together by season four and married by season six, well whatever. The point I'm trying to make here is that it took a long time for Niles and Daphne to get together). 

After Niles professes his love for her, they are interrupted when Martin barges into the room, looking for Frasier. Once he sees them, he knows what's going on and excuses himself. This is the first of many interruptions these two will have and this is also when out adjourning rooms come into play. The next time they are interrupted is when Donny comes in to ask Niles for some advice on what he should do about a blister on his foot. He says, "What luck, huh? Can you imagine a worse thing could happen to me the night before my wedding?" Yes, yes, I can, Donny. 

Once they're alone again and Daphne tells Niles, "I'm twelve hours from the altar and you're on your honeymoon" (technically, he wasn't on his honeymoon, but I get what she means), he tells her that he never would have gotten married if he knew she shared his feelings that that he will "leave Mel in a heartbeat." Right after he says that, Mel walks in (yikes, that was close!) and he exclaims, "Darling!" She wants to show him brochures for where they can go on their (actual, but non-existent) honeymoon. He tells her to pick one and "a woman with her exquisite taste can handle this decision." Mel tells Daphne, "He says that now. Wait until the honeymoon is over." We get more nervous laughter from the audience. Cuz we know that honeymoon is gonna be over real soon! In fact, there won't even be one. 

Niles says it's not too late for them and wants to know if she feels the same way about him. Even though she kisses him (to which he tells her, "I think you can call me Niles now") and tells him she does love him, she says she can't do this. She calls Donny a "dear and wonderful man" and says she made a promise to him. Daphne feels very guilty about what this would do to Donny and it's clear that she loves Donny way more than Niles love Mel. She also points out that Niles made a promise to Mel and adds, "We have no idea how we'd be together. For heaven's sake, we've never even been on a date." Uh, I beg to differ! Okay, they weren't an official couple, but I would call their attendance to the Snow Ball together as a date. It is surprising that she's turning him down when she was literally crying over him not that long ago. I didn't remember this part at all. 

Poor Niles looks so sad. It's funny that in the first part I'm all "Poor Daphne" and in this part, I'm all "Poor Niles." Of course, we all know they get together the next day when Daphne pulls a runaway bride and meets Niles in the Winnebago that was used to pick up Daphne's family (the same one that Martin bought with the money he thought he got from the Russian bear clock, but it was actually Frasier and Niles paying for it). The night before, when they said good-night, Daphne had called him "Dr. Crane." Now, when she's about to drive off with him, she calls him "Niles". 

Niles and Daphne shippers can rejoice because they're finally together and it only took seven years. Although, it is too bad their happiness had to come at the expense of two other people. But who cares! Our favorite Frasier ship is finally sailing! 

2. The Innkeepers (Season 2, Episode 23) 

"I'm picking out the china and sandblasting the wine cave." 

When I think of absolute classic Frasier episodes, this one comes to mind. It's when Frasier and Niles decide to buy a restaurant that is dear to them and holds many fond memories for them. Orsini's is closing because the owner is ready to retire. 

When Frasier tells Niles the news, Niles reminisces about their grandfather (I'm assuming their mother's father!) taking him there for his 8th birthday. He remembers the party hats, people singing "Happy Birthday" to him, and "sending back the Veal Prince Orloff." Yes, I did look that up, and yes, it is a real dish. Frasier suggests they make reservations for "one glorious farewell dinner" and Martin and Daphne join them. 

Besides the KACL studio at the very beginning, this entire episode takes place at the restaurant. Frasier and Niles haven't been to Orsini's in quite some time and when they arrive, they are the only customers there and the place is clearly shabby and run down. Niles compares it to meeting the movie star you worshipped as a child only to discover that "time has left her hair brittle, her eyes sunken and dull, her skin waxy and sallow." The look of disgust Martin gives him is HILARIOUS and he sarcastically comments about what an appetite he has now. 

They see Otto, an elderly waiter who has been at Orsini's since its inception. Frasier tells Daphne that Otto is "legendary", how he never writes anything down; he can remember all the orders in his head. Unfortunately, Otto is old now and seems to forget things easily. When Frasier calls him over once they've been seated, he gives him the check and Frasier has to correct him. 

Frasier and Niles start discussing how the restaurant would be better if the pillars were knocked down, the  curtains were gone, the walls got a  fresh coat of paint, etc. Frasier tells Niles, "You know, I've always dreamed of owning a four star restaurant" to which Niles replies, "What growing boy hasn't?" He points out that they could get the chef at Emilio's because he's not happy there. 

Not everyone is as enthusiastic as they are. Martin think it's "a dumb-ass idiotic idea" for them to own a restaurant (spoiler alert: he's not wrong!) Frasier tells him, "We know food. We know wine. We have style, taste, and refinement." Martin points out they're not thinking about the hard work or the long hours. He tells his sons, "To you, owning a restaurant is just wearing fancy clothes, hobnobbing with your friends, and turning your enemies away at the door." That last bit excites Frasier and Niles, especially Niles who giddily replies, "I hadn't even though about that!" Martin continues and tells them about a restaurant he knew that changed owners about twenty times in ten years. Niles takes this to mean they need to come up with the perfect name. Frasier agrees and says he was thinking about that while Martin was talking. He suggests they call the restaurant Les Frères Heureux which is "The Happy Brothers" in French. Ha, I can't help but think of Los Pollos Hermanos. (Something tells me the Crane brothers would not last long in the Breaking Bad universe; Martin on the other hand, I could see him getting along with Mike Ehrmantraut. This is a fanfic crossover I never knew I needed until now). Niles loves the name and says it is "homey and just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff."

Frasier (being Frasier) wants to make the restaurant exclusive: "no sign on the outside, no advertisements, and an unlisted phone number." Martin sarcastically says they could put guards on the roof who can shoot people if they try to get in. 

After the commercial break, we see they have already bought the restaurant and it has been redecorated and refurbished. Obviously, some time has passed, but since this is a 23-minute sitcom we don't need to go into the semantics of how they were able to (so easily) acquire the restaurant. 

Everything seems to be running smoothly on their opening night. Daphne and Martin are dining together along with a roomful of diners. There is a running joke where whenever either Frasier or Niles pass by a big bowl of cherries to be used for the cherries jubilee (which is right outside the kitchen doors), they keep adding more brandy, not knowing the other one is also adding more brandy. Yep, you probably already guessed they're setting this up for a big payoff later in the show. 

Chef Maurice is making individual soufflés, but Niles tells him to make one large soufflé and "dish the portions out at the table." He starts doing that, only for Frasier to come back in the kitchen to tell him to make them in individual cups. I'm with Frasier on this one; I think you need to make them individually. That just seems like the easiest and more convenient way to serve them. The brothers start arguing about the soufflés and Maurice gets so fed up with them, he just walks out and leaves. The sous chef is made the new head chef. Niles tells him to make them proud because at the governor's table, they have "two state senators and the head of the immigration bureau." This scares the man (who has a strong Eastern European accent) and all the other cooks and they run off. If that isn't bad enough, in an earlier scene, Niles had pushed the "in" door from the kitchen and knocked out one of the waiters. Frasier had pushed the "out" door from the dining room and ended up breaking another waiter's nose. The bartender offers to take them to the ER, so now they are out two waiters, a bartender, and all cooks. 

Frasier tells Niles he is the new head chef. He gets Martin to bartend and Daphne to help Niles in the kitchen. He tells Martin, who has a smug look on his face, "You can gloat later." Martin replies that he'll "pencil it in." Just as Daphne asks him who's going to wait all the tables, here comes Roz with a date and of course Frasier takes advantage of this. She tries to explain to her date that she needs to help Frasier and hopes that he'll understand. Her date asks her if he can get a menu and some bread and butter. What a douche! 

Frasier tells Martin that Niles is panicking in the kitchen and Martin suggest that he just tell everyone the truth, that they'll understand. Frasier agrees that "honesty is the best policy" and is about to tell everyone the truth, but before he does, Gil Chesterton, the food critic for KACL walks in with a bunch of other food critics and Frasier can't (or, more likely, won't) admit defeat. Gil and the others order the special, the anguilla. Chef Maurice liked his food super fresh, so the eels are kept in a tank. When Frasier tells Niles he needs to kill five eels, Niles is just flinging a knife in the tank, too scared to touch them. (I don't blame him; eels are scary!) Daphne just marches over, takes one out and slams it onto the table. The title card for this scene was along the lines of "No eels were harmed during this scene". 

Oh, remember that bowl of of cherries soaking in brandy? Yep, well, that's about to pay off. When Roz tells Frasier a couple tables are ready for their dessert, he tells her to flame the cherries jubilee and he'll serve them. From behind the doors, we see a huge flame, then Roz walks into the kitchen with her hair sticking up and smooshed cherries all over her face and (white) outfit. In a state of shock, she says, "Big blue flash. Cherries everywhere." Frasier replies, "Lucky it didn't set off the sprinkler system." And on cue, the sprinkler system goes off.

At that moment, Otto, who Frasier didn't have the heart to let go, so he made him the parking attendant; drives a car right into the restaurant as everyone is evacuating the restaurant. Just a disastrous evening all around! 

   1. The Two Mrs. Cranes (Season 4, Episode 1)

"You're the most appalling family I've ever met!" 

So not having this episode in a very long time, I couldn't remember the plot of it and was trying to think what it could be about. I was wondering if they could be talking about Lilith and Maris in reference to "the two Mrs. Cranes", but at this point Frasier and Lilith are divorced (plus Lilith kept her surname while she was married to Frasier) and Niles and Maris are separated (not to mention we never see Maris). But as the episode progresses, you quickly realize what's going on. This episode is one big lie that keeps escalating.

It all starts when Daphne's ex-fiance, Clive, calls. Everyone (especially Niles!) is surprised to find out she was once engaged. She tells them they didn't get married because she couldn't see a future with him. He didn't have any ambition, couldn't hold a job, and just tinkered with his car. She wanted to break it to him easily, so she told him she wasn't ready and if they "were still free in five years, [they] could try again," And now it's been five years. So Daphne agrees to invite him over for a drink. 

Now my question is: how did Clive get Frasier's number? Did he even know she was in another country? To be honest, I don't know when exactly Daphne moved to America. They may have mentioned it somewhere in the series, but I can't remember. Did he call her parents and they gave him Frasier's number? That seems a little invasive. You think they would have called Daphne first and asked if it was okay to give Clive the number where she can be reached. Of course, Daphne's parents (especially her mom) aren't the greatest. 

Before the arrival of Clive, there are two plot points that will help set up the story. The first is that Martin has been invited to go to Rattlesnake Ridge for a reunion with his army buddies. He needs someone to drive him since it's five hours away and because Niles and Daphne are both busy that day, Frasier is the one who has to do it. The second plot point is that Roz had borrowed Frasier's opera glasses (to "ogle the bodybuilder that moved in across the street") and he tells her he needs them back because he's going to the opera the next evening. 

The evening Clive is supposed to arrive, Daphne is wearing a bulky housecoat over a long dress to make sure there are "no romantic signals, whatsoever." Frasier tells her maybe he just wants to say hello. When the doorbell rings, it's Nile who claims he forgot Clive was coming over. He's brought over a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle of which he's "already assembled one kitten and two yarn balls." Frasier knows what he's up to and snatches the box out of his hand and tells him they're going out to dinner so they don't interfere with Daphne's reunion. 

When Clive arrives, Frasier in in bedroom getting his jacket (and it takes him a very long time to put on a jacket!) and Niles is in the kitchen to give them privacy (per Frasier's request). But let's be honest: anyone in that kitchen can hear what is going on in the living room! There's no door and the back wall of the kitchen is just open shelves! Daphne asks him what brings him to Seattle and Clive (not so subtly) replies, "My undying love for you." He apologizes and says he meant to lead up to that and that his feelings haven't changed for her in five years. 

Niles comes in to offer cheese nips. I'm guessing he heard the whole thing and went in to intervene. Daphne introduces Niles to Clive as her husband. I don't know who's more shocked when she says that - Niles or Clive. She tells him they're been married for six month and they're "still at the honeymoon stage" and "It's sickening, really" as she kisses Nile's cheek. Of course, Niles is loving this and with a big grin on his face, replies, "Revolting" and kisses her cheek back. He adds, "Positively stomach turning" and tries to kiss her again, but she recoils from him. Daphne probably didn't realize it, but she probably chose the best person to pretend to be her husband. If she had tried this with Frasier, I don't think he would have gone along. 

But on the other hand, Daphne may have chosen the worst person to pretend to be her husband. Clive is about to leave, but Niles tells him no, that they're enjoying having him there. Daphne says she did promise him a drink and he replies he could stay for a beer. Niles will also ask him to stay for dinner a little later, so he's just milking this whole thing 

While Daphne and Niles are in the kitchen getting Clive a beer, Frasier (finally) comes out from his bedroom and says hello to Clive. After he introduces himself, they have this conversation:

Clive: "Oh, your Nile's brother." 
Frasier: "Yes. You've met Niles?"
Clive: "Just now. I used to know his wife quite well."

Frasier (looking super confused): "Really? You know his wife?"

Clive: "She's one of a kind, that one."
Frasier: "Isn't she?" 
Clive: "Certainly can light up a room."
Frasier: "Oh, yes. Usually by leaving it." 

When Niles and Daphne enter the room and Daphne tells  Clive, "I see you've met my husband's brother", Frasier immediately understand what's going on. Niles tells Clive he's living with them temporarily because he's "had a spat with his wife, Maris." Frasier is not amused he's married to Maris. When Clive tells him, "Sorry to hear that", he replies, "Yes, me, too." Ha! 

Frasier asks Daphne to show him where the wine is, but before she leaves, Niles tells her she has to "pay the love toll" and points to his cheek. Daphne kisses him and he tells her, "Too much, here's your change" and kisses her back. He is definitely taking advantage of the situation, but he knows trying to kiss her on the lips would be pushing it. 

While Frasier and Daphne are in the kitchen, this is when he enthusiastically asks Clive if he can stay for dinner.  In the kitchen, Frasier is chiding Daphne for what she's doing. She tells him it's just one drink and can he play along until then. Niles comes in to tell them Clive is staying for dinner; claiming he invited himself, but Frasier is giving him this look as though he knows Niles asked him to stay. Niles tells Daphne, "Obviously, he has hopes of winning you back. We must keep these displays of affection as realistic as possible." Oh, Niles! 

Daphne tells Frasier if he plays along with the charade this evening, she'll do any favor for him. He gets her to drive Martin to Rattlesnake Ridge. She says if anything goes wrong, the deal is off. He assures her everything will be fine as long as they "stick to their stories and avoid any unnecessary complications." Just as he says that, Martin comes home and Frasier, Niles, and Daphne all greet him with, "Dad!" Daphne introduces Clive to her new husband's father. Niles suggest that Daphne give Clive a tour of the rest of the apartment so he and Frasier can catch Martin up. When Niles tells Martin that Frasier is staying here temporarily because he's separated from Maris, Martin says to Frasier, "You couldn't stand her either, huh?" and they both crack up. Niles does not look amused! 

Frasier thinks Martin should leave for the evening because trying to keep up with the whole story "requires quick thinking and improvisational skills and a knack for remembering details." Martin sarcastically replies, "I never used any of those skills as an undercover cop." Ha! I love Martin. He does not leave, just sits in his chair. 

Clive asks Martin what he does. He says he's a retired, but used to be an astronaut (!!) and flew missions with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. He adds that he was the one who give Buzz his nickname because "he was scared of bees." 

The doorbell rings and everyone looks at the door wondering who it is. Frasier asks who is it and we hear Roz reply, "It's me." Martin has a huge grin on his face as he says, "What do you know? It's Maris!" Now I get that he's mad at Frasier and Niles, but he knows that this whole charade is because of Daphne and he likes her, so I don't know why he's making this whole thing worse for her. Of everyone involved, he's definitely having the most fun with this little scheme, even more so than Niles which will crash and burn for him shortly.

Roz is there to give Frasier back his opera glasses. Frasier greets her with, "Darling!", then hugs her and whispers in her ear, "You're Maris. We're married. Play along." He introduces Roz to Clive and Roz, being Roz, is very attracted to him. Frasier tells "Maris" they could use a moment alone, so he takes Roz out on the balcony to explain what's going on.

Niles asks Clive what he does. Daphne assumes he's still messing around with cars because he had grease on his hands, but Clive says he helped a lady change a tire on the way over. He claims he doesn't have much time for cars anymore now that he has started three sporting goods shops. Yeah, I don't understand why Daphne just assumed he was the same because there was grease on his hand. Even if he was still messing with cars, I think he would be wise enough to take a shower before meeting her. Helping someone with a flat tire on the way home at least excuses him for not getting all the grease off. By this point, Daphne is trying to distant herself from Niles. I think at this point, Daphne needs to cut her losses. She either looks like she's a married woman flirting with Clive (which she does and which he points out!) or she has to admit she was lying the whole time. Either way, she doesn't look great in front of Clive.

When Frasier and Roz come back into the room, Frasier tells everyone "Maris" has to run off for "a previous engagement."Martin tells her to forget about it and stay for dinner and "Maris" accepts. During dinner, both Daphne and Roz are blatantly coming onto Clive, even though they're both supposed to be married and their husbands are sitting at the table with them. 

In kitchen, Daphne tells Frasier she better get Roz to leave or he'll be driving Martin to Rattlesnake Ridge. Frasier does try to get her to leave, but it's to no avail. When Roz asks for more wine, Daphne tells her she better not since she blacked out the last time she had too much. Roz retaliates by mentioning that Daphne is pregnant. 

When Clive is in the bathroom (which Niles tells him they call it "Frasier's bathroom" because all the towels are monogrammed with his initials), Daphne and Roz start fighting. Roz says she thought Daphne wanted to get rid of Clive, but Daphne says she's changed her mind. Again, I think Daphne needs to let this go. I don't think Roz has much of a chance either, though.  Nobody sees Clive as he's coming out of the bathroom. Roz has given up and tells Daphne, "You can have him. He's yours!" Daphne yells back at her, "Fat chance I've got now that you've told him I'm pregnant. How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby?" This is when she notices Clive and looks absolutely horrified. Also, I don't think she can blame Roz for her chances with Clive; she did that to herself when she said she was married and let it go on way too long. 

Clive says he should be going. Daphne apologetically tells him, "I know what you must think, but we're not what we seem." Clive agrees with her and goes on to tell them all what he thinks of them. Daphne says, "We're not the awful people you think we are." Frasier adds, "No! The truth is, we're been lying to you all night!" Ha! Like that makes it any better. 

Honestly, I don't think Daphne was missing anything by not making a reconnection with Clive. As he says goodbye, before he leaves, he says to Frasier and Niles, "I'll never understand how two men like you could have been spawned by that sweet, courageous old astronaut." Clive, Clive, Clive. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

So those are my top ten episodes of Frasier. I won't lie; it was hard just picking ten because there are so many great episodes out there - I could have easily picked ten more!