Two and a Half Elves

Onward

Director: Dan Scanlon

Voice Talent: Tom Holland, Chris Pratt, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Octavia Spencer

Released: March 6, 2020

Oscar nominations:

Best Animated Picture (lost to Soul)

This movie is set in a parallel universe in a town called New Mushroomton and all the residents who live there are fairy tale creatures such as elves (like our main characters), ogres, fairies, goblins, wizards, and pretty much anything you would find in a Harry Potter novel/movie. In this world, magic was once used, but once electricity was invented, "over time, magic faded away." With magic, you have to learn spells and it takes a discipline to perform them correctly, while with electricity, you just flip a switch on and off, so it's much easier. A lot of these mythical creatures don't use their features anymore. We see a fairy board a plane and many other winged creatures just don't fly because they haven't "exercised their wings". Unicorns are treated as pests with matted, mangy fur who rummage in the trash or hide out in caves. 

The movie follows the two Lightfoot brothers, high-schooler Ian (voiced by Tom Holland) and his older brother, Barley (voiced by Chris Pratt). They are elves and their mother, Laurel (voiced by Julia Louis-Dreyfus), describes Ian as being afraid of everything and Barley as being afraid of nothing. This is a pretty apt description. Ian's and Barley's father died right before Ian was born, so he doesn't remember him at all and Barley only has about three vivid memories of him. Apparently, these elves don't share the immortality of the Rivendell elves because their father died of an undisclosed sickness. 

It is Ian's 16th birthday and he is wearing an old sweatshirt that his dad used to wear in college. This means a great deal to him since he never knew his dad and makes him feel closer to him. Unfortunately, Barley, who can be a bit of a clumsy oaf at times, ends up accidentally ripping the shoulder of the sweatshirt. Ian decides to skip breakfast at home and grab something at Burger Shire. One of my favorite jokes in the movie was the sign outside Burger Shire that read "Now serving 2nd breakfast." Okay, its been a minute since I've seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy and I can't remember which movie it was (the first one, I think), but I love it when Merry/Pippin asks, "What about second breakfast?" They eat second breakfast? That is hilarious! So, yes, I appreciated that joke. 

While Ian is waiting for his food, he meets an elf who knew Ian's father in college (his name was on his old sweatshirt that Ian was wearing) and he tells Ian his father was someone who people always noticed and was very bold, so basically the opposite of Ian. Ian is grateful that he's learned this new information about his dad and it inspires him to make a checklist titled "New Me." Earlier, his mother had told him that his birthday was a good start to try new things. On his list, he writes, "Speak up more", "Learn to drive", "Invite people to party", and "Be like Dad." 

We will see him attempt these as he attends his classes at New Mushroomton High School that day. In one of his classes, a huge ogre student (like, he's probably four times bigger than Ian) sits behind Ian, but he also putt his huge green sandal-wearing foot on Ian's chair which means Ian barely has any room to sit (good thing he's skinny!). Ian speaks up and asks the ogre if he would not put his foot on his seat, but the ogre just replies he needs to do so in order to keep the blood circulating to his brain. When Ian is taking his driver's lesson for the day, he gets too scared to merge and doesn't complete his driving task. I do love that the stop signs in this world say "Halt" in a fancy, Medieval-like font. 

So now he's zero for two on his list. At the end of the school day, he gets up the courage to invite a group of students (who seem to know him) to his party. It's super awkward the way he invites them because he's hemming and hawing and can't seem to spit the invitation out, but once they realize he's inviting them to a party, they agree to come. Ian suggests they take the bus to his house. It seems like Ian might actually get to check a box off his list, but here comes Barley driving erratically in his purple van he's named Guinevere with a unicorn painted on the side. In fact, the movie gets its name because Barley has covered the "D" on the gearshift and replaced it with a piece of tape that says "O", which he says is for Onward. When he sees that Ian has friend coming over, he tells his brother that he can take them all in his car. An embarrassed Ian quickly tells the others he just remembered his party was cancelled and scampers away, leaving them confused. 

Once he gets home, he strikes out all the things on the list. His mom can sense that he is blue, so she tells him she has a gift for him and Barley from their dad. She was told to give it to him once they were both over sixteen. Technically, Ian is not "over sixteen" as he just turned sixteen that day. That could be the reason things go a little haywire. But it's probably just a writer's mistake. 

Their gift looks to be rolled up, almost like a carpet. Once it's unrolled, they find a wooden staff. Barley think this means their dad was a wizard, but Laurel is quick to tell them he was an accountant, something I'm sure they both already knew. Ian finds a note where their dad tells them there was once magic, but it faded away and hopes there is magic still in them. He wrote down a Visitation Spell so his sons can perform it and he will be able to see who his sons grew up to be. The spell will bring their dad back "for one whole day." Along with the spell, he has also included the Phoenix Gem, which is very rare. (Makes you wonder where he found it, doesn't it? They never tell us). Barley places the gem in the staff and starts reciting the spell, but nothing happens. He keeps reciting it, but still nothing happens. 

 

A defeated and depressed Ian goes to his room. He has taken the staff with him and he decides to try the spell. This time the Phoenix Gem begins to light up. Barley hears the commotion and comes to is room. They both see feet and legs appear out of thin air, then the gem breaks and the spell is done and they're only left with the bottom half of their father. Yeah, it's super weird. The very top of the bottom half just has some glowing light emitting from it. And even though this pair of legs has no brain to tell it what to do, this half-body seems to be sentient. Sure, it can't see or hear, but it still seems to understand what's going on. For instance, in an earlier scene, we had learned that one of Barley's memories with his dad was playing the drums on his father's shoes. Sure, its' a bit odd, but, as you will see, it will come back in this scene when Barley does just that and his half-dad seems to understand it's him. So even though their dad doesn't have a brain, they do have a way of communicating with him. 

Barley tells Ian, "A person can only do magic if they have the gift" and he is thrilled that Ian "has the magic gift." My question is, why didn't thy have Ian try after all those failed attempts from Barley? I know, I know, it's for the plot of the movie. They need to get Laurel out of the house (she's picking up Ian's cake) for the next stage of the movie to happen. Ian may have the "magic gift", but he hasn't honed his skills. (Though to be fair, he is just a beginner. Like a literal beginner.) They need to perform the spell again before the twenty-four hour time limit is up to see all of their dad. They just need to find another Phoenix Gem, you know, that gem that is super rare and hard to find. No problem! (I still want to know where their dad found his Phoenix Gem.)

Barley is obsessed with this board game called Quest of Yore, which is like Dungeons and Dragons? I guess? IDK, I've never played D&D. It's a board game where you go on adventures and there are cards that correlate to actual things and people in the real world. (Well, their real world.) Barley's game has a card that gives stats about the Phoenix Gem which basically tells them to start at the place where all quests begin, The Manticore's Tavern, because the owner knows where to find anything they'll need. 

They leave a note for their mom which reads, "Be back with mind blowing surprise!!" and Ian creates a "top half" for their dad which includes a sweatshirt, puffer vest, gloves, and a "head" with sunglasses and a hat. They control him with a string wrapped around his waist and it's attached to a pulley thing where they can decide how much they need. (I don't know the right word, but you know what I'm talking about, hopefully.) It gave me Weekend at Bernie's vibes. 

While they drive to the Manticore's Tavern, Ian has created a new list of things he wants to do with his dad which includes "Play catch", "Take a walk", "Heart to Heart", "Laugh together," "Driving Lesson", and "Share my life with him." Even if he did have the allotted twenty-four hours with his dad, I still think he wouldn't have time to do all those things with him. It is a very sweet list, though. 

They reach the Manticore's Tavern which is one of those medieval-themed restaurants. The Manticore aka Corey (voiced by Octavia Spencer) is the manager. I have to admit, I had never heard of a Manticore before. It has a body of a lion, the (poisonous!) tail of a scorpion, and the head of a human. The drawings of this online looks super freaky....there's something uncanny about half-human, half-animal creatures. I don't like it! Luckily, for this character they give her a lion head (to match the rest of her body, except for the tail, of course) and they don't give her a weird elf or fairy head. This manticore also has wings and horns on her head (according to my research, a manticore can also have wings and/or be horned and she has both). When the brothers ask her about the Phoenix Gem, she just gives them a children's menu with puzzles and games on it. The main puzzle is a word scramble where you will uncover where the gem is. Barley asks if she has the real map and she points to it where it's hanging on a wall and he proceeds to take it down, but she tells him he can't take it. It just makes me laugh imagining someone walking into a restaurant and taking something off the wall...like, what are you doing? 

Ian gets up the courage to talk to her and that's when she realizes she's been living a lie and that her life is boring and she needs adventure. We will learn later that she hasn't exercised her wings in a long time so she never flies and has come to live a mundane life. She ends up roaring and starts a fire (oh did I mention that she breathes fire?). The map ends up burning and they are unable to save it (guess they don't have a spell for reversing fire damage). In the car, Barley had told Ian that he was gonna have to practice his magic before he cast the spell again. Ian had been practicing a spell where he's supposed to levitate objects (no, not Wingardium Leviosa, but rather Aloft Elevar), but no matter how many times he tries, nothing happened. But now is he able to save his father's legs by being crushed by a falling burning beam by performing the spell and this time it works. I guess when you're under pressure and you're trying to save something, you have more agency in your magical capabilities. Just a guess. Makes sense to me. 

The Lightfoots (Lightfeet?) make it safely back to the van. Even though the real map has burned, Barley had grabbed a children's menu. As he tells his brother, "On a quest, you have to use what you've got And this is what we've got." Luckily he grabbed a menu where the word scramble had already been solved by a child patron and the answer to where to find the Phoenix Gem was "Raven's Point." They look at their road map and it shows that location in the mountains. They won't be able to get there until the next morning, but Barley tells Ian that they will still have plenty of time with their dad. Eh, I don't know about that. 

Looking at the map, Ian tells Batley that the expressway should take them right there, but Barley thinks that's a little too obvious. He tells his little bro, "On a quest, the clear path is never the right one." Obviously, he's quoting from his favorite game. He thinks they should take "an ancient trail called the Path of Peril." The 'Path of Peril'? Are you kidding me? No, thanks. I'm with Ian: taking the expressway will be faster. That's why they call it the expressway. It seems like Barley just wants to have an adventure like his game and it's pretty obvious that we're going to find out Barley was right all along, but in the end, he agrees with Ian and takes the expressway. 

Meanwhile, Laurel had found the Phoenix Gem card lying on a table next to the note Barley had scribbled so she heads to the Manticore's Tavern which is now ablaze. She talks to Corey who tells her she told her sons about the gem, the map, and the curse, but then realizes she forgot to tell them about the curse. When giving her statement to a police officer, she says, "Last name Manticore, first name, The." This joke has been used many times, but it never fails to make me laugh. Laurel sees the smallest scratch on the Manticore and tells the cop she needs to give her first aid and when the cop turns his back, they both get in Laurel's car and she drives away. 

Corey tells Laurel about the curse and that if her sons take the gem, "the curse will rise up and assume the form of a mighty beast and battle [them]." Her enchanted sword, The Curse Crusher, is the only weapon "forged with the rarest metal can destroy it." Unfortunately, she sold it to a pawn shop because she "got in a little tax trouble a few years back" (heh), but at least she knows where to find it. 

Later, they will arrive at a strip mall where the pawn shop is located. Other shops in this area also include "Mystic Donuts", "Master Froyo", "Sir Snipz a Lot", and "Sword and the Scone." I'm sure the writers had a lot of fun with these! The proprietor of the pawn shop is a small female goblin voice by Tracey Ullman. She finds the sword and is willing to sell it to them for ten bucks, but then Corey (in a very stupid move) exclaims that it's made of rare metals and the only sword of its kind in all the land, so of course she ups the price to ten thousand dollars (or whatever currency they use). When Corey asks the goblin store owner if she knows who she is, the goblin replies, "Some kind of winged bear-snake lady?" and Corey corrects her: "Winged lion-scorpion lady!" 

We get a hilarious scene where Laurel starts explaining and pleading to the goblin why she needs the sword, but Corey just stings her in the neck and she falls down, "only temporarily paralyzed" as she explains to Laurel. They grab the sword and Laurel still pays her the original price, plus a little extra "for her troubles." 

I should mention that Laurel is dating a police officer named Colt Bronco who is a centaur. It's a great name for someone who is half horse, but it makes me squeamish that this elf has a romantic relationship with a centaur. It makes me think of when I was reading Harry Potter and we discovered that Hagrid's dad was a human and his mom was a giant (or was it the other way around?). It's like...how did they, uh, create Hagrid? I assume there was some magic involved there, but still. Eww, I don't want to think about that. There is a scene later on in the movie where it makes sense why they made Colt a centaur. 

Back on the quest, Ian begins to strike things off his list because he sadly knows they're not going to have time to do everything he wants to with his dad. The van starts sputtering and breaks down, so they pull over. Barley says they need gas. Even though the fuel gauge says it's full, Bartley tells Ian that doesn't work. Uh, that's not good. If your fuel gauge is always on full, your brain is always going to assume it's full and you'll never know when to fill it up unless you just make yourself do it at least once a week. They get out of the van and Barley gets a gas can out. At least he's smart enough to carry gas around with him in times like this, except for the fact that there are only a few drops left. Ian asks if there's any way they can fix the car by magic and Barley thinks he should try the Growth Spell. He thinks if they grow the can, the gas inside will grow with it. I agree with Ian when he says, "That's kind of a weird idea." 

Barley tells him the Growth Spell is a bit more advanced and he has to follow a magic decree: "It's a special rule that keeps the spell working right." This means he can't let anything distract him while he's performing the spell. He does the spell (with some "helpful" tips from Barley, but they end up distracting him) and the can remains the same size. There is a hilarious reveal where we hear Barley, in a squeaky voice exclaim, "It worked! The can is huge!" Then we see that Barley himself is tiny. I honestly don't know how that happened since Ian never pointed his wand anywhere near Barley, but he must have gotten mixed up with the spell when he was interfering. It doesn't take long before Barley realizes what happens and tells Ian there are consequences if he messes up a spell, but luckily the side effects will wear off eventually. 

They are able to find gas and Barley eventually becomes his normal size. While they were at the gas station, they come across this gang of pixies who are driving motorcycles (each motorcycle needs about ten pixies to control it since someone needs to push the gas pedal and someone needs to steer). These pixies may be little, but they are tough! If you look at them the wrong way, watch out! Little Barley gets in a fight with them (unintentional on his part, but they got super offended when he asked them why they just didn't use their wings and fly) and end up chasing the elves on the expressway. Of course, Barley is too small to drive, so Ian has to. With some help from Barley, he manages to merge onto the expressway and fight off the pesky pixies. During all this, Barley changes back to his regular self. They are pulled over for speeding and while their dad (their half dad?) stumbles out, looking like he's intoxicated, Barley confers with Ian and tells him to do a disguise spell and that he can disguise himself to be anyone he wants: "Disguising yourself is a lie, so you must tell the truth to get by." As long as he doesn't tell a lie, the spell will be fine. 

While the two police officers (voiced by Ali Wong and Lena Waithe) are about to take their dad to the station, Ian disguised as Colt Bronco comes out. Remember when I said there was a reason for Colt being a centaur? Well, this is it. While Ian is disguising as the front of Colt, Barley is behind him, crouched down, disguised as the back. I guess centaurs need two people to disguise them, like they're a Halloween costume or something? :::Shrug::: Okay, whatever. He starts out telling a lie when the other two officers told him they thought he was working the other end of town and he tells them he changed his mind. This makes "Colt's" ear change into Ian's elf ear. He tries to hide it by moving is neck and tells them he has a neck cramp which further complicates things by changing "Colt's" hand into Ian's original elf hand. Barley tells him he has to stop lying and to "answer every question with a question." I guess the cops can't hear Barley. Ian takes his advice and things start going more smoothly. That is, until one of the cops tells Colt that Laurel's eldest son is a screwup. "Colt" says he does't agree with her, but then one of his horse legs changes to Ian's skinny denim-clad leg, and of course Barley sees this so he knows his brother is lying and agrees with this harsh statement. This makes Ian become flustered and he starts lying more and rapidly starts changing back to his elf self. One cop just laughs it off, but the other is suspicious and calls dispatch to have her put through to Officer Bronco. 

There is awkward silence in the van as they continue their journey. Ian tells his brother he doesn't think he's a screwup and perhaps the magic got it wrong. Barley pulls over and tells Ian that he (Ian) doesn't think he (Barley) has any good ideas. Ian tries to deny this and when Barley tells him he thinks they should take the Path of Peril, Ian replies, "I think that would be good, normally..but this isn't a game. All that matters today is Dad." It's at that moment they notice their father's legs dancing in the back of the van to the music on the radio that was still turned on. Even though he can't hear the music, he "can feel the vibrations of the music." After some fun dancing with their dad, Ian finally agrees to take the Path of Peril. When Barley takes the turn onto a bumpy gravely road though a bunch of scary trees, the rear bumper with the license plate that says "Gwniver" falls off. Gee, I wonder if this will help somebody who's looking for them? Oh, yep, I was right. Here come Colt and he sees and recognizes the license plate so he follows the path. 

It's now the next morning and Barley and Ian have come to "the bottomless pit", this huge gap in the middle of nowhere. Barley almost drove right into it because he had turned to talk to Ian. It's like, look where you're going! Luckily Ian screamed at him to stop. As Ian is standing very, very close to the edge, Barley tells him, "Whatever falls in there, falls forever." Hmm, I'd be telling him to "back it up!" Their father's legs, who they don't have the leash around, starts walking and actually walks off the edge of the cliff and his sons catch him. Yikes! A bunch of pebbles fall instead. 

An ancient drawbridge is on the other side as well as the lever. I laughed when Barley says to look for a lever and Ian goes, "Found it!" and points to the other side of the gap. He tries to lift it with magic, but the magic doesn't reach it. Barley tells him he can't cast a levitation spell on something that far away because it only has a "15-meter enchanting radius." He suggests a "Trust Bridge" which will create a magical bridge he can walk on. The only catch is, the bridge is invisible! Barley informs him he won't know if the bridge if there util he steps on it! And if he "believes the bridge is there, then it's there." There's a lot of psychological persuasion going on here. You basically have to psych yourself up to believe you are walking on a bridge when there is nothing literally there! Ian does not feel confident about this plan and I don't blame him. Barley ties a rope around Ian's waist and the other end around a big rock, but tells Ian he doesn't need the rope because he believes he can use the magic without it. The first try, Ian steps off the ledge and immediately falls. Thank God he had the rope! I don't know if I'd want to try that again after experiencing that! After Barley pulls him back up, he points out that since Ian now knows the worst that can happen, there's nothing to be scared of. Although I would argue that the worst that could happen is if the rope untied and he kept falling indefinitely. I wonder if there's a spell to course correct that? 

Ian takes a deep breath and tries the spell again. This time he steps out onto nothing and the spell works. However, on his second step, he begins to fall, but Barley pulls him back up with the rope and reminds him to "believe with every step." Ian does this and he is able to make it halfway across...and that's when the rope unties from his back. All I could think was thank God the rope didn't untie when he first fell! I'm honestly surprised Ian didn't notice the rope wasn't still tied around him, but perhaps he was concentrating so hard on making himself believe he was walking on a bridge that he didn't even notice. Barley has this horrified expression on his face and he tells his brother to just keep going and look straight ahead, and not to look back. I think this would be good advice even if the rope was still tied to him. Ian exclaims, "This is amazing!" He asks Barley if he still has the rope and Barley says he does. Yes, good answer. And this is a perfect example of when it's alright to lie! 

Ian is so overconfident because he thinks he has the rope and the magic is working perfectly. He says how alive and amazing he feels and that he could stay out there all day and starts dancing. Not surprisingly, this is making Barley anxious and he reminds his little brother to keep moving and to remember they're there for their dad (did I just use they're, there, and their all in one fell swoop?) and to get as much time with him as possible. By this time, Ian is one step away from reaching the other side of the huge gap and says he's taking his last step for their dad. When he says that, he looks back and sees Barley holding the rope. This causes the magic to break and he starts falling. Very luckily, he is able to catch a protruding stone and pull himself up. Thank goodness he didn't look back earlier! His confidence drained, he lowers the drawbridge and Barley drives his van across. He notices a large stone raven atop the bridge and thinks that's significant since the clue said "Raven's Point." The raven is literally pointing with its beak towards the side of the gap where they just came from. From there, they can see another raven statue that's also pointing in that direction. Bailey thinks this will lead them to their gem. If I were Ian, I would be a little irked that I walked across that gap for nothing.

But before they can continue on, here comes Colt in his police car. (Yeah, he found the license plate hours after the brothers took the Path of Peril.) Barley explains to him what's going on and Colt tells them he's not going to let them upset their mother anymore and tells them to get in their car and he'll escort them home. Ian readily agrees and takes the keys from Barley and gets in the driver's seat with Barley in the passenger seat. I guess Colt didn't know about Ian's trepidation of driving because he doesn't question it. Once the brothers are in the van, Ian guns it before Colt is even back in his car. Colt immediately calls for backup. 

He keeps driving before they find themselves trapped on the side of a cliff. On one side, there's a steep drop and they're barricaded from the other side because cop cars are driving towards them. The backup Colt called for sure showed up quick! Barley tells Ian to do the "Arcane Lighting" spell, which is one of the harder spells but he thinks Ian is ready. He wants Ian to use his magic to dislodge two huge boulders that are up in the mountain and have them block the road. Ian tries this a couple times, but he is unsuccessful. The cops are getting closer, so Barley goes to another plan. He takes a big rock and puts it on the gas pedal and puts Guinevere in "O" and lets her drive towards the cop. What happens next seems a little too precise; like there's no way he would know that his plan would work: the van drives up a slanted rock and flies towards the big boulder and crashes into it, thus breaking the boulder an it falls to the ground to block the path like they had originally planned. Like, WTF? That is the luckiest thing to have happened. 

Now they are able to continue without any cop interference and they keep following the raven statues. They do this for awhile until they come to a raven statue where the beak is pointing towards the ground. Ian takes a little stone tablet that is inserted in the bird and it has a symbol etched into it that indicates water as well as an "X". They go into a cave where they follow a river. Barley thinks the gem will be where the river ends. Ian is (rightfully so) worried that the river could go on for miles. (I guess they don't have a map for where they are so they can't determine long long the river is). He checks his watch and we see they have a little over five hours before their dad will be completely gone forever. 

Barley suggests that Ian use a Velocity Spell to make them speed down the river really fast. There's not much to float on, but he's been eating Cheeto-like snacks, so Ian makes one of them bigger and they float on that. (Barley also occasionally munches on it, and, not gonna lie, I would probably do the same thing.) At one point, the boat doesn't seem to be going that fast, but this is when Ian and Barley are having a heart to heart when Barley is telling him about a memory with their dad he's never shared with Ian: when their dad was sick and hooked up to a bunch of tubes, Barley was supposed to say goodbye, but he was too scared to go in the room because their dad didn't look like himself. He tells Ian, "That's when I decided I was never gonna be scared ever again." 

They reach the point where the water stops and it's almost like they're in a video game where they have to dodge a bunch of traps. After all that, they come out out a manhole and are in their own town, right across the street from Ian's school. They're right back where they started. Ian is irate. He thinks the gem was in the mountains the whole time and points out they could have had it hours ago if they had just stayed on the expressway. Ian calls Barley a screwup and tells him he's screwed up his chance of meeting their dad. He walks away with their dad and tells Barley he's gonna "spend what little time [they] have left with [him]." Barley tells him they can still find the Phoenix Gem if they keep looking, but Ian is having none of it. He takes his dad to some rocks overlooking the water and takes out his checklist and crosses out "heart to heart" and "laugh together." He's about to cross out "driving lesson", but pauses and realizes he did have a driving lesson, only it was with Barley. He checks the box next to it. He then has an epiphany that he has shared many, if not all, of these items on his checklist with Barley. We see a flashback of them growing up together and Ian checks the box next to "share my life with him." Damnit, movie, stop making me cry! 

Meanwhile, Barley is at a fountain/statue across the street from the school. He has climbed on top of it and notices there's an insert that perfectly fits the stone tablet. He puts it in and the Phoenix Gem is revealed. He takes it and red smoke starts to appear and soon covers everything around the vicinity. The smoke goes into the school and starts ripping away the stones and bricks and other material that makes up the building. A dragon is formed, made out of all these materials. It uses the face of the dragon mascot painted on the side of the school. It's a little unsettling because the face of the dragon is smiling and looks like a friendly kids' show TV character, but it's also kinda funny. By this time, Ian and their dad have walked back towards Barley and he sees what's going on. The dragon starts chasing Barley as he runs and he throws the gem because he knows that's what the dragon wants, only it was a decoy - it was the headlight from his car.

By this time, Laurel shows up, wielding the sword and riding on the back of Corey, who's flying. (They got into a bit of a car accident and that's why they flew). She tells her sons that she'll take care of the dragon and they should go see their dad. And that's exactly what they do as Laurel and Corey try to weaken the dragon, which includes cutting off its wings. Ian starts to apologize to Barley, but he tells him there's no time and we see that the sun is about to set. The only problem is, while Laurel was trying to stab the core of the dragon (aka the heart), she got tossed off the dragon and it's now heading towards her sons. She yells to warn them and Barley tells Ian that he'll go distract it. When Ian tells him he'll miss seeing their Dad, he replies, "It's okay. Say hi to Dad for me." And this is what you think is going to happen. After all, it makes sense for Ian to be the one to meet their father since he never got that chance. But then Ian tells him he (Barley) should be the one to stay because he himself "had someone who looked out for [him]. Someone who pushed [him] to be more than [he] ever thought [he] could be. [He] never had a dad, but [he] always had [Barley]." Seriously, movie, STOP making me cry! Before Barley can even rely, he takes his staff and runs off towards the dragon. He pretty much uses all the spells he's learned and used in the past twenty-four hours to try to defeat the dragon. Unfortunately, he gets thrown back and his magical staff is thrown in the water. 

Meanwhile, their dad is still manifesting. This seems to be taking very long time. No wonder people didn't like using magic once electricity was discovered. It reminds me of when I used AOL back in the day and it took forever to log on. Ian is able to create a new wand from a splinter in his hand that he got from the old one. This time he is able to defeat the dragon and rocks fly everywhere and Ian is covered in a pile of rocks. He's okay, but he's a bit trapped so there's no time for him to get to his dad. All he can do is watch from a small crevice where he can see Barley and the back of his fully formed father. He is also able to see the sun is getting very close to setting. We are seeing this happen all through Ian's perspective. We can't hear what Barley and his dad saying, we just can tell that they're talking, then laughing, then his dad gives him a hug, and yep, once again, I'm crying. Thanks, Pixar. 

A moment later, Barley helps Ian up from the rocks and when Ian asks him what their dad said, he replies, "He said he's very proud of the person you grew up to. be" and Ian tells him he owes that to him (Barley). Barley also adds that their dad told hive to "give [him] this" and proceeds to hug Ian. My question is, did their father know why Ian couldn't be there? Did he know what was going on? I know he was there the entire time, but at the same time, he wasn't because he couldn't hear or see anything. But did he realize what the entire journey was about with just his legs? We see them talking a little, but I doubt Barley had enough time to explain and probably wanted to spend the precise time he did have with his dad not explaining things. Also, can't they just do this spell again or does it only one work once you use it on someone? OMG, does anyone remember remember that episode of Buffy where Dawn used a spell to bring Joyce back, but Buffy stops her right before Joyce comes to the door? You see her silhouette and it is the creepiest thing. Also, after I read Pet Semetary years ago, I could not let my cat sleep in my bed for a week because I was so freaked out by the cat that came back from the dead in that book. Yeah, not a fan of bringing things back from the dead! But at least in this movie, it wasn't creepy. 

So the brothers became closer than they ever were before and everyone is happy. It makes me wonder if this is the brother version of Frozen? Barley now has a new van he's fixed up and Ian can make it fly and the movie ends with the two of them flying down the neighborhood. I was half expecting for one of them to say, "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!" I mean, this was literally the same ending to Back to the Future! 

Here We Come a Netflixin'

The Christmas Chronicles 2

Director: Chris Columbus

Cast: Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn, Darby Camp, Jahzir Bruno, Julian Dennison, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Tyrese Gibson, Darlene Love

Released on Netflix: November 25, 2020

It's December! That means it's time for reviews of Christmas movies, yay! Two years ago I reviewed The Christmas Chronicles and today I will be reviewing its sequel. If you had asked me, I would have told you the first one came out last year, but no, it came out two years ago. Where did the time go? I would have also told you that Chris Columbus directed that movie, but no, he was a producer. He did, however, direct this movie, and I did notice some nods to some of his other holiday fare.

Many of the same characters from the first movie come back for this one (Kurt Russell as Santa is an obvious one!) and there are also some new characters. We are reacquainted with Kate and Teddy Pierce, who went on the adventure with Santa in the first movie. Don't get too reacquainted with Teddy, though, because he's only in the beginning and the end. He has aged out and has been replaced by a younger, cuter kid. I had no idea how old Kate was in the first movie and still don't know how old she is. They do mention the events of the first movie took place two years ago so this does follow real time. If I had to guess, I would say Kate is in the 11-13 range, but if she's 13, that would mean she would've been 11 in the first movie and I can't see an 11-year-old still believing in Santa. Yes, I realize that in this universe, Santa IS real, but even before they knew that, she still believed in him. Teddy was about to tell her, but decided against it. I looked up to see how old Darby Camp, the actress who plays Kate, is and she is currently 13, so she was probably 11 or 12 when she filmed this. 

Kate and Teddy are in Cancun with their mother, Claire (played by Kimberly Williams-Paisley). They were all brought there on a holiday vacation by Claire's boyfriend, Bob (played by Tyrese Gibson...the name "Bob" does not suit him at all) and his son, Jack, who is the younger, cuter kid who will be joining Kate on the new adventure. I would estimate Jack's age to be between 7 and 9. Kate is not happy at all. She hates being on a sunny beach so close to Christmas and would rather be ice-skating or drinking cocoa or Christmas shopping. I'm with Kate. Christmases in warm weather climates just seem strange to me. While it doesn't always snow every Christmas where I live, I can always count on it to be cold. Christmas is the holiday where you sit around the fire wearing your favorite cozy sweater and sipping a mug of cider or hot cocoa. It just makes more sense in cold weather! Kate is also not happy because she still misses her dad, who had died as a firefighter only a few years ago. She thinks Bob is going to propose to her mom and she's not ready for that. I can kind of see where she's coming from because if your mom's boyfriend invited her, both her children, and his kid on a trip to Mexico during Christmas vacation, that does seem like he's in it for the long haul. We know Claire and Bob have been dating for ten months and have known each other before they started dating, but we don't know where they met. Work? A support group for widowers? As it turns out, Bob's wife also died. You'd think Kate and Jack would bond over having a dead parent, but no, doesn't really ever come up. 

Kate is so upset she makes a Christmas Wish to Santa. She decides she doesn't want the electric scooter (from going over my review of the first movie, I was reminded that in this universe, kids only get ONE present from Santa, so you better choose wisely!), but would rather "get out of this place." She's worried "it's gonna feel like Dad never existed" if her mom and Bob get married. She even threatens (to literally nobody) that she'll run away. The next day she'll get her opportunity to do so when Bob discovers some tickets "complimentary from the hotel". Teddy and some girl go snorkeling. I wasn't sure if this was his girlfriend he brought along on the trip or a girl he met there (I have reason to believe it's the latter), but all he talks about in this movie is going snorkeling with this girl. Claire and Bob get to spend the night at Tulum with a private tour of the Mayan ruins. Meanwhile, the two youngest kids will get to go to a "kids' club slumber party" complete with all the ice cream they can eat. As a kid, that would have been my worst nightmare. Not the all the ice cream you can eat part (though I'd probably eat too much and get super sick), but being in a foreign (quite literally in this case!) place with a bunch of hyper kids (you know they'd be all buzzed on sugar!). Honestly, Claire and Bob, if you wanted to have your own romantic trip to Tulum, why didn't you just go on this trip without your kids? 

I need to interject with a weird fashion choice that I believe that was missed by the wardrobe department. There's no way this could have been intentional. So when the group is all gathered saying their good-byes before they go their separate ways, I notice that Claire and Teddy are wearing VERY similar shirts. They're both blue and peach buttons-ups. The designs are different, but both have some kind of pattern, kind of like a Hawaiian shirt. I have a hard time believing a teen boy would wear a shirt so similar to his mother's. 

Kate sees this as a great opportunity to run away since the adults have conveniently been painted out of the picture for the time being. I love that Claire and Bob just leave Kate and Jack in the lobby of the hotel; they don't even go to the kids' club with them. You'd think they'd want to check out where they'll be leaving their children overnight. Also, what about Teddy? They're leaving him alone overnight with no supervision with some girl he met? Like I said, Claire and Bob, why didn't you just go on this trip alone? But I digress...Kate tells Jack to head to the room where the slumber party is being held (seriously, what are they doing at this "kids' club" besides eating ice cream? Well, I guess we're told there's a slime-making station) and tells him she needs to go to the bathroom and she'll meet him later. Earlier she had called the airport who had told her she could book a flight home there (um, she has a phone...couldn't she just do it on there? Not that it's an important part of the story), so she heads outside and hitches a ride on a golf cart that will take her to a shuttle to the airport. Sensing that she's up to something, Jack sees this and hops on the back of the tram. He makes himself known a little while later and while he and Kate are arguing, they get flung through a portal that leads them to the North Pole. 

Confused? Let me explain.

The Pierce kids aren't the first characters we see, no, the first scene is of a character we've never met before. In the South Pole we see some kind of cave/hideout with lots of "Get Out!" and "No Trespassing!" signs. (Dude, who's going to be trespassing in your South Pole hideaway?) We see a young man with an Australian accent (I guess technically it's a New Zealand accent because I looked up the actor and that's where he's from, but honestly, I can't tell the difference) who is glowering as he looks at a picture of Santa and Mrs. Claus, stating that they "ruined everything" and that they "were the first humans I ever trusted and the last." My goodness, laying it on a little thick there, aren't we? So I didn't catch this the first time, but he's in the picture with the Clauses' in elf form. Yes, this human person used to be an elf and is now a human and has somehow been wronged by Santa and the Mrs. (By the way what is Mrs. Claus's first name?) We don't know the story, but don't worry, we will. 

He needs a "ticket" to get to the North Pole and he believes the answer is Kate. An elf that switched allegiances (either that or maybe there are also elves in the South Pole) has brought him the knowledge of Kate, a friend of Santa's. Somehow, he finds out that Kate is in Cancun (must still have some of that elf magic) and he happens to overhear Kate on the beach when she's making her Christmas wish. He's the one who leaves the "complimentary tickets" and he's the one who's driving the golf cart, thus the reason they go through a portal because he has a device that he throws that opens the portal. I honestly don't understand why Kate and Jack just don't jump off the cart that's only going about ten mph. They see the portal way before they enter it, so just jump off! I know, I know, they need the to go through so there can be a movie. But they could have easily escaped, that's all I'm saying.

Once they're in the North Pole, Kate figures Santa must have heard her wish about wanting to escape and granted it. Since she and Jack came from Cancun, they are wearing t-shirts and shorts and soon find themselves victim to the cold. Luckily, Santa spots them and puts them in his sleigh. By this time they are both pretty blue and unconscious. All they need is a little hot chocolate to warm them up! That's exactly what Mrs. Claus (Goldie Hawn) gives them and they wake up and are back to their normal selves. 

Kate thanks Santa for granting her Christmas wish, but Santa tells her he hasn't given her the scooter yet, so she knows that she didn't get to the North Pole via Saint Nick. When Jack figures out where they are, he is in awe. He exclaims, "I must be dreaming!" Santa tells him, "You're not dreaming, Jack. You're in Santa's Village: the real one!" The Clauses give the kids a tour of Santa's Village and boy oh boy, it is a more magical place than Disney World. (They use REAL magic at Santa's Village!) It's too bad this place isn't open to the public because Santa would make a fortune! We learn that the village houses over a million elves and Santa tells the kids this fun fact: "If you combine Amazon, FedEx, the postal service, and UPS with every manufacturing company in the world, and they quadrupled their output for an entire year, you just might be getting close to what we can accomplish here in Santa's village in a single day." Ha. Okay, yeah, I'm impressed! 

If you add up all the shops on Fifth Avenue, Rodeo Drive, the Magnificent Mile, and the Champs-Elysées, you're still going to get a better shopping experience at the North Pole. There are over 300,000 shops! We get to see a few of them, including a candy cane factory, a toy shop, and the place where they make video games (Santa knows how to code games...of course he does!). When the kids learn that Mrs. Claus designed all the shops, they point out the center should be called Mrs. Claus's village. Again, does Mrs. Claus have a first name? Santa agrees that it might be time for a change since it's been called Santa's Village for over a thousand years, but he's pretty reluctant about changing it. 

One of my favorite aspects of the village was the Polaris Cinema where Elf was playing and the admission was free. They also see the Hall of Letters, which is the place where Kate found herself in the previous movie. Kate mentions she's been there and Jack wants to know why she never told him. Good question, Jack. Kate replies, "There's a lot of things I haven't told you." Um, if you had met Santa and been to the North Pole, wouldn't that be something you'd want to tell everyone you met, especially a fellow kid?

Mrs. Claus prepare "dinner" which is a tableful of sugary desserts. Despite there being cookies, candies, pie, cakes, and brownies on the table, she tells the kids that all the food is actually "super healthy", but it tastes and look like desserts. Look, I am all for that. I would love if you could eat a cheesecake that was healthy for you AND tasted like real cheesecake. However, even if all these desserts were good for you, ugh, I could not eat all that sugar for every meal. No, thank you. That's why they call it a treat. If kids could have dessert anytime they wanted, I don't think they would be as coveted as much as they are now. I was very confused as to why Kate was eating Halloween brownies - they had orange frosting on them; they totally screamed "Halloween", but Santa told her it was lima beans and carrots and that's when I noticed it had green specks too. Jack eats "broccoli" which was a white and green layer cake. That did look pretty good. 

Jack and Kate want to stay overnight because their parents won't return to the hotel until the next afternoon anyway. Mrs. Claus says how wonderful it will be to have children, if only for one night and she and Santa look wistfully at each other. This makes me wonder: did they want children, but could never have any? They did this as a plot in the second or third The Santa Clause movie and Santa having a kid always felt weird to me. First of all, he's super old (in this one, we learn he's 1700 years old, so if he did have children, they'd all be very old too (assuming they're still alive with Christmas magic). Well, we do learn that time stands still in the North Pole, so nobody ages, so I suppose if they did have a baby, the baby would remain a baby forever? That's super...weird. Also, Santa having a kid just seems...unfair to both the kid and Santa. The kid would resent Santa for paying more attention to all the other kids in the world (remember this...this theme will pop up later) and all the kids in the world would be jealous of Santa's kid because they would pretty much get everything for Christmas. 

Now would be a good time to explain why the human-who-used-to-be-an-elf needed Kate to help him with his plan. Where Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the elves live, it is protected under the shield of the Veil of Borealis, which keeps them hidden and protected from the outside world. The veil is created by light from the star of Bethlehem which is also connected to the Christmas star tree topper that sits atop the massive Christmas tree in the center of the Village. (I think I got that right?) Santa is the only one who knows how to get in and out of the veil safely; remember that scene in Finding Nemo where Nemo and Dory go through the jellyfish waters (when they should have been staying above them) and they're dodging all the jellyfish? Well, in this case, when Santa goes through the veil he has to dodge a lot of electrical currents or something. He's the only one who knows how to weave in and out of them and when he gets the kids in his sled, the human/elf hitches a ride on the back and that's how he finds his way there. 

When the kids are getting ready for bed in their adorable matching red and green plaid pajamas, Jack discovers a set of books titled "The Christmas Chronicles." Mrs. Claus offers to read them a bedtime story. She starts with the first one which is called "The Origin of Santa Claus." Even Santa Claus has an origin story! Here we get a lot of exposition that will tell us that back in the day, WAY back in the day of 312 AD, he was "a local hero and his legend spread" to the Forest Elves. We learn that elves are "an ancient species of very magical and wild creatures." It gets super dark, but never really explored when we are told that they "were hunted for their magical powers" and were "captured by humans to the brink of extinction." Yikes! Anyway, the story goes on to say that the elves knew about a man who would be "King of the Elves" and "lead them to safety." This, of course, was Santa Claus. As we are told by Mrs Claus, "He led the elves on a mystical journey to an unknown land, where Christmas would truly endure." In the story, there is one particular elf who comments how much he hates humans. His name is Belsnickel and he is the elf who turned into a human; yes, the very same one who needed Kate (and Jack) as bait to get to Santa. Why is an elf who hates human now a human, you ask? Well, luckily, we're about to get some backstory on Belsnickel! He was "a precocious and brilliant elf"  who was taught the "art of magical potion-making" by Mrs. Claus and "the art of invention" by Santa. Mrs. Claus makes a comment how she and Santa loved him "very, very much", but don't they love all their elves the same? I would assume the elves are almost like children to them. Why does Belsnick get special treatment? As we're going to soon find out, Belsnickers was a little sh*t. By the time he became a teen, (elves can become teens? I kinda assumed they were all kind of one age), things started to change: "The spirit of Christmas had grown around the world. Santa had less time for Belsnickel. He became resentful of Santa and more rebellious." Yep, see, there's no way Santa could have ever had children - if an ELF, who WORKS for Santa becomes resentful of him, can you imagine how his own child would feel?

The Elves live by the ELVES' Code which stands for Ego, Lying, Viciousness, Envy, Selfishness. I'm guessing this is a list of things that elves strive NOT to be! As Mrs. Claus tells the kids, "If an elf commits every single one of those, they become cursed." Well, guess who broke all five? I'll give you zero guesses because you don't need any. 

We get a few examples of what a little sh*t weasel Belsnot has turned into. He places a whoppee cushion on a chair in a room with a handful of other elves and when one unexpected elf sits on it, he makes a big scene, pointing and laughing at the elf, who is clearly embarrassed and humiliated. And it's not like a "Haha, Flouflou farted" ribbing in a friendly kind of way, no, he is maliciously laughing at and mocking him. F**k you, Belsneeze. We see him tip over a gum ball machine outside one of the 300,000 stores, so when one elf comes out of that store, he slips on the gum balls and drops his packages. While elves seem to have a high threshold for physical pain (they go through a lot in this movie, but always seem to be fine in the end), this elf could have seriously injured himself. Again, f**k you, Belsnoopy. The only actually funny prank he pulls is when he puts his image on cans of "Rik Cola", when they are usually reserved for images of Santa. (Much like the holiday Coke cans...hey, remember those commercials?)

When Santa asks him what he's doing, he replies, "I build all the best toys around here. It's about time I get some of the credit." Now he says this in English, and not in Elvish. While we sometimes hear the elves maybe say a few words in English, mostly they are talking in their native language, so is speaking quite fluently in English a sign of his intelligence? Also, if he hates humans so much, why is he speaking one of their languages? The last thing he does that sends him over the edge is when he commits vandalism by spray painting his name on the side of Santa's sleigh. When Santa asks him why he would do that, he replies, "Because you care more about children all over the world than you care about me." I mean, Santa can easily just get rid of the paint with a little bit of magic, so Belsnivel's acting out here is pretty weak and lame. Also, shut the f*ck up, Belsnoodle, like seriously. In case you can't tell, I really don't feel sorry for Belsnitch. He's a whiny-ass elf who needs constant attention and praise and can't stand not getting any of the glory when I'm sure the other 999,999 elves (remember, one million elves live in Santa's Village!) are just as accomplished at making toys as he is and they're actually decent elves who don't cause mischief and mayhem. I'd be like, "Bye, Belsnipper, don't let the door hit you on the way out". Well, after breaking the Elves' Code, "he transformed into the thing he despised the most, a human." To quote Nelson from The Simpsons, "HA, HA!" Belsnoozy is so ashamed of his new form that he runs away and never returns...until now. While Mrs. Claus is reading the kids a bedtime story, we see Belsnorkel looking things over in a sly way and says, "In a few hours, this entire village will be nothing but a distance memory." Geeze, he really hates Santa, doesn't he?

I did laugh when Mrs. Claus is done reading the book and claps her hand to turn out the lights. It's done with magic as you can tell from the sound and visual effects, but I love the nod to the Clap On/Clap Off lights. (I feel like my grandma had one of those, but I could be remembering that wrong. Maybe I'm thinking of the commercial...it was always an elderly woman who used those things). 

Once everyone is asleep, Belscooter can now hatch his plan. He has a pet yule cat named Jola who he tells to "take care of the reindeer" so they won't bother him while he gets the star. Oh, yeah, did I tell you that's his plan? To get the star tree topper since it powers the entire village. But first, I must interject with something that doesn't make sense. When Belsnap became a human, he went to live in the South Pole. I'm not sure how long he's been living there...maybe a couple years? Who knows. When we are first introduced to Jola (we meet him before we know he and Belsnail are chummy), Santa is chasing him because he keeps trying to take one of his reindeer as a snack. Obviously Jola lives in the North Pole. So why is he Belsnout's pet? I'm so confused. But Jola goes to the stable where Dasher seems to be the head reindeer and is the one who stands up to Jola, protecting the seven other reindeer, but also gets attacked by Jola. Because this is a children's movie, we only see shadows of Jola about to attack Dasher and when the humans find Dasher lying down in the stable (brought to their attention by an elf), there is no blood anywhere. I did like that when the Claus's (is it Claus's or Clauses'?; now I'm confusing myself even more!) are told, they are watching It's a Wonderful Life in Elvish. I'm not really sure why they would have that in that language, unless they have a magic TV that can dub movies in non-human languages. 

To cause havoc, Belsnipper drugs the elves with Elf Bane which turns them from sweet and friendly elves into mean and mischievous elves. It's very similar to when Mogwais (don't ask me what the plural of Mogwai is...) turn into Gremlins. And I'm sure that wasn't accidental since Chris Columbus wrote that movie. One elf is even tied up in lights before it breaks free, much like that poor dog. Also, there's a scene that is VERY similar to the one where the gremlins are in a bar just going crazy. In the movie, the scene involves elves dancing to "Who Let the Dogs Out?" 

So while Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the kids are fretting over Dasher, who is apparently dying (this movie goes to some dark places!), Belscooby nabs the star, but Santa catches him before he can make his getaway. When he finds out what happened to Dasher, he does look remorseful (I guess a sign that he can be redeemable). He says that Jola was only supposed to scare the reindeer so they would run off into the forest. The kids out the human elf as the guy that drove the shuttle that took them through the portal and Belsnow thanks Kate for helping him get back to Santa's Village, making though as this is all her fault. Belsnub's plan is to take the star back to the South Pole and start his own village, aptly named "Belsnickel's Village" (doesn't roll off the tongue like "Santa's Village") where he's going to gather his own elves and invent "really cool stuff" that "will make everyone forget that the North Pole and Santa Claus ever existed." But that's not the only reason he's taking the star. It will stop him from aging so he can have time to figure out a way to "break this awful curse." When Kate asks him what's so bad abut being human, he responds in a very teen human whiny way: "Humans suck! Elves rule! And I am tired of being a human." Yeah, that's some weak sauce. And YOU suck, Belsuckle. 

So he just wants to become an elf again and as Mrs. Claus tells him (and the audience), the only way for him to break the curse is to come home and embrace his family. Dude, you're right there. Just say you're sorry and I don't know if that means to literally hug his family or accept them the way they are, but just do whatever you need to do and you'll be a stupid elf again. This movie could end now, but we still have an hour and eight minutes to go! Belsnuff's response is "Bah humbug!" and Santa scolds him, "You watch your mouth, young elf!" I admit that got a chuckle out of me. 

Santa and Belsnickerdoodle get into a brouhaha over the star and end up breaking the veil, which makes everything go dark. Belsneedle ends up with the star and flies off with it in his homemade flying contraption. Santa exclaims, "Without the star, the North Pole, the village, Christmas itself, is doomed!" Kate asks, "Like, for this year?" and Mrs. Claus replies, "Like, forever." Gulp! 

It is decided that Santa and Kate will go to Turkey to get a new star, which can only be made by the Forest Elves while Mrs. Claus and Jack will stay behind to take care of Dasher and find a cure for the elves. The excuse they give for Kate joining Santa is that he doesn't think he'll be able to get his sleigh off the ground with only seven reindeer. So a pre-teen girl can hep with that? Really, Santa? It's a very contrived way to get Kate to go with him. When they do start flying away, there's an empty spot in the front where Dasher would have been. Wouldn't it be better to move one of the reindeer from the middle to the front so the missing spot is in the middle so at least the front and back are both loaded with reindeer? I'm no expert in physics, but this just makes more sense to me. 

So Santa and Kate get to Turkey, but they don't know that Belsnood has also hitched a ride on the bottom of the sleigh. They talk to the Forest Elves, a new star is made, Belsnapper tries to stop them, yada, yada, yada, they fly back to Santa's Village.

Meanwhile, back at the Village, Mrs. Claus has given Jack the task of finding an arctic flower that "only grows in one place" (which isn't exactly close to where they are). It is the only thing that will cure the elf bane and she needs to stay with Dasher. She gives him a map and some cookies that will help him: a gingerbread man cookie will explode when he throws it and a snowman cookie will give him courage if he eats it. There are two of each cookie on the platter, but he only takes one of each. I mean, why not stock up on more ammunition? There's also two Christmas tree cookies on the plate, but we don't find out if they have any special powers. Naturally, Jack is worried about frost bite, but Mrs. Claus tells him not to worry because she's "an expert at reattaching fingers and toes." You'd think a place brimming with magic, they'd have some kind of heating installation in their winter clothes (btw, Mrs. Claus "magically" changed the kids' resort clothes into winter garb). 

Jack has to climb a mountain to get to the antidote so he takes a bite of the snowman cookie to give him courage. Luckily he didn't bite the exploding cookie. He almost did, but then realized that was the wrong one. He does use the exploding gingerbread man cookie when he gets attacked by Jola and they both fall off the mountain. He throws the cookie at the yule cat who runs off and Jack has to climb the mountain again, but finally reaches the flower which he brings back to the stables. 

In order to distribute the antidote to the elves, he has to go to a certain spot in the village. The scene where he's fighting through the slew of elves who is making this very difficult for him is quite funny. Mrs. Claus has armed him with a Nerf crossbow and we see slow motion scenes of him shooting at the elves and running and taking cover like this is a war movie. At one point, when the elves are closing in on him, he grab a large lollipop and just smacks the crap out of them. Talk about elf abuse! I love that while the elves turn "bad", the movie at the Polaris theater has turned from Elf to Bad Santa. Personally, I think they should have gone with Gremlins as an inside joke, but they probably wanted to go for a joke that kids would have gotten since it literally says "Bad Santa". 

So Santa has dropped Kate off (literally) at the tree so she can reconnect the star to it, but that won't be without any problems. In the air, Santa and his reindeer are about to have a standoff with Belsniffles whose flying contraption is being pulled by a jackal and coyote hybrid called jackalotes. Santa tells him that it "doesn't exactly scream aerodynamic." We see them charging at each and Mrs. Claus throws a gingrbread man cookie that explodes, causing Santa, Belskittles, and all the animals to come crashing down to the ground. The gingerbread man's mouth turns into an "O" expression which got a laugh out of me. 

Kate has managed to restore the power of the star and the elves have turned back to their happy, helping, healthy elves selves. The movie is almost over, but we just need to close up Belstar's story. He and Santa share a moment when Santa shows him the first toy they built together. When Belstickle tells the Claus's he's always loved them, he turns back into an elf. All the other elves cheer and are happy, but I'm not sure why. When he WAS an elf, Belsnag was a massive jerk douche to them. I certainly wouldn't be welcoming him back with welcome arms. But, whatever.

There's a nice moment when the kids are saying good-bye to Mrs. Claus as they get in the sled with Santa so he can take them back to their resort in Cancun and she reveals to Jack that the snowman cookie he ate that supposedly had magical powers to give him courage was actually just a regular old cookie and that "the hero was always inside you." Aww. 

I did have to laugh when Belsnare jumped into Mrs. Claus's arm and you can tell Goldie Hawn was probably holding a cookie jar or something before they replaced it with the CGI elf. 

Kate and Jack are returned to the beach where they meet up with Teddy and he's like, "Oh, cool, you got to see Santa again" and they fill him in on what they did with one sentence each. The adults have returned from their getaway and they are hugged by their kids as though they've been gone for a thousand years and Kate surprises Bob when she seems to have accept his and her mother's relationship. The movie ends with the five of them outside on the beach singing "O Christmas Tree." (This is why I don't think the girl who was always going scuba diving with Teddy was his girlfriend; she wasn't a part of this singalong). While the mere mortals are singing on the beach, we see Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the elves are also singing the same song in Santa's Village. Of course Belsnagglepuss has to be the center of attention. I'm sorry, what did he do again to deserve the Best Elf of the Village title and Santa's and Mrs. Claus's favorite elf? Oh, right, he was a total asshat who whined about being a human when he was one so was rewarded by turning back into a whiny bratty elf. While they are singing this song, it struck me that I never knew the words to it. I could hum it, but I couldn't tell you the words besides the obvious "O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree..." I think there are different variations of it. I feel like this is a song you don't hear a lot on Christmas albums. I honestly couldn't tell you any artist who has covered it. They get a surprise from Santa when he magically makes the words "Merry Christmas" appear in the sky formed by the stars. I'm sure Claire and Bob though it was some sort of special effect the resort put on, but the kids know better. 

This was a cute movie and I can see it and its predecesser being holiday staples in peoples' homes. After all, they're both on Netflix, so it's pretty easy to come upon. 

HOWEVER, that being said, they could have gone a completely different route with this movie and I, personally, think it would have been more interesting. So there was a part I literally yada-yadaed over earlier in my review and I want to go back to that. It's when Santa and Kate now have their newly minted star and Belsnarl is ready to snatch it from them. He rams into their sleigh which makes the star fall and he throws a device at them which makes them enter a vortex and they find themselves flying above Logan International airport in Boston in the year 1990. Kate is from Boston, but she definitely wasn't around in 1990. I was confused by the year, but it soon becomes clear why it's that particular year. 

Their sled loses power and Santa tells Kate that is due to "the lowest Christmas spirit" that people have at airports during the holidays. Their plan is to make people happy at the airport which will power up their sled again and Kate needs to find batteries for the time twister device that made them enter the vortex. I would think this thing would be powered by magic that they would get from lifting peoples' Christmas spirits rather than batteries, but we do get an amusing scene of Kate buying batteries at a newsstand and the woman thinks she's using counterfeit money and notices the bill is from 2020 (I NEVER notice the year on paper money!) and says people "probably won't be using paper money in thirty years." I mean, she isn't totally wrong. 

All the flights have been cancelled due to bad weather so that's why everyone is in a bad mood. A woman goes to the ticket counter and demands, "I want a flight to Chicago right now." She totally reminded me of Kate McCallister from Home Alone when she's begging to get on a flight to Chicago to get to her son. It can't be coincidental the same city was used! 

Santa uses his magic to have the woman who's working the ticket counter to belt out, "Now wait a minute...!" When she sang those notes, I was like, is that holiday song legend Darlene Love who sang "All Alone on Christmas" from the Home Alone 2 soundtrack and "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)", the opening song from Gremlins, coincidently, both movies Columbus worked on as a director and writer, respectively? Obviously he loves Darlene Love. Oh, by the way, just this year, I learned that she was the original singer of "Baby Please Come Home". I honestly had no idea and never really gave it any thought. There are so many artists who have covered this song (it IS a great song) that I just figured the original just got lost in the shuffle. I was always aware of her version and knew it was one of the best versions of that song and now I know why! It's so good; no wonder so many artists cover it. It also makes SO much sense when she sings the line, "Do you remember sleigh riding in the snow; dancing all night to 'Baby Please Come Home'?" in "All Alone on Christmas?" (Another great song that sadly gets overlooked).

Anyway, Darlene Love can add another Christas song to her repertoire: "The Spirit of Christmas" which she sings with Kurt Russel. It's a catchy little ditty, but it doesn't hold a candle to her other Christmas songs. The song gets everybody in the airport dancing and singing and their Christmas spirits are lifted so much that all the flights are able to be boarded and everyone will be able to be home for Christmas. (I guess Christmas spirit also helps clear up bad weather!) 

So while all that is going on, Kate strikes up a conversation with a boy about her age who tells her he's flying to Miami to spend Christmas with his grandparents. Immediately I knew that was her dad; immediately. Later it is confirmed that her dad was 13 when she met him in 1990, so I wonder if she is supposed to be 13 too? :::shrug:: Because the kid doesn't give his name until she and Santa are about ready to leave, she doesn't realize who it is at first. Young Doug is absolutely adorable and if I were a pre-teen girl, I would have a crush on him and I was a little worried that Kate would get a crush on him and this would be a reverse Back to the Future, but this is a family movie, so I figured they wouldn't go there. When she does figure out it's her dad as a thirteen-year-old, she gives him a tearful hug goodby and thanks him. I do have to laugh because they want to make sure the young kids who are watching it know that he is her father as a kid. You would think when he tells her his name is Doug, that would be the obvious clue. But then Santa clarifies that his name is Doug Pierce and when Kate hugs him goodbye, she calls him "Dad" but quickly corrects herself. It just made me laugh that they wanted to make it very clear that this is her dad! 

But I think it would have been a more interesting movie if she had spent Christmas with her dad in 1990. Maybe his flight to Miami was cancelled (despite all that Christmas spirit), so she was invited to his house and also got to see her grandparents when they were around her mom's age. Maybe, just maybe, Kate could inspire young Doug to go into a different profession other than a firefighter. Not that I think 13-year-old Doug knew he wanted to be a firefighter, but maybe he and Kate make Christmas cookies and she inspires him to be a pastry chef (do pasty chefs even make cookies? IDK) or maybe they play with Lego bricks and she's impressed with his designs and tells him he should be an architect. I don't know, just something that inspires him so he has a profession that is't so dangerous, so when Kate returns to present her dad is still alive! (Poor Bob). I think they could have had a really cool idea for a movie, but instead they went with the Belsnuffleupagus plot line. Oh, well, at least I had fun making up different names for him and I hope you all got a kick out of that too.