More like Dreck the Halls, am I right?
Steve Finch (Matthew Broderick) lives in the idyllic town of Cloverdale, Massachusetts with his wife, Kelly (Kristin Davis), fifteen-year-old daughter, Madison (Alia Shawkat ("Maebe" they'll give her something to do in this movie; no, no they will not)) and ten-year-old son, Carter. Steve is an optometrist and his office is located on Main Street. He loves Christmas and follows an advent calendar which helps them with their Christmas schedule. He has a set schedule for Christmas. For instance, on the third, when he opens the door of the advent calendar, there's a wreath so that's when they put up the wreath. They use this calendar every year so he already knows what's behind each number, but what if something is really late in the Christmas season? For instance, I think stockings were on the 24th, so does that mean they hang up their stockings on Christmas Eve? This is dumb, I'm sorry.
His wife tells him they shouldn't have everything so rigidly scheduled when it comes to Christmas and to basically just go with the flow, but he tells her that when he was a kid and his dad was in the Air Force, they moved from one base to another and they never had a Christmas tree and "Christmas was not a priority" for his dad. He wants to make sure he has family traditions for his children around the holidays they can look forward to. He's worried about his kids because his daughter doesn't have many friends and their son acts like he's having a midlife crisis. I did laugh when he says, "Let's face it, our kids are a little weird."
We are introduced to the new neighbors, who, for some reason, are moving in across the street in the late evening. Why are they moving in so late? There's really no reason for them to do that. They could move in the next day. Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito) and his wife,Tia (Kristin Chenoweth), come over to introduce themselves the next day. Tia invites Kelly and her kids to come over, which they do. They're still unpacking stuff at the house and Carter sees a provocative painting of Tia and is staring at it, his mouth agape. Tia tells them she used to do some modeling, "mostly for art classes at the community college" and that's where she met Buddy. Kelly asks if he's an artist and Tia replies, "They caught him peeking through the windows." While I did laugh at that, that is dark and messed up!
We are introduced to the Hall's twin girls who are both blonde and super tall (which is probably part of the joke since their parents are short) and act really ditzy and boy-crazy. Like a dope, Carter is staring at them and basically drooling. I loved how his sister was just looking at him with disgust because he's being so obvious about it. I don't even remember theirs names or if we were ever told their names.
There's a vase sitting on a stool in the middle of the room and when one of the twins walks by it to ask Madison a question, she almost knocks it off, but Kelly catches it. Tia thanks her and says it's been in her family for years and that "it's worth more than this entire house put together." If it means that much to her and it's that expensive, why would she have it out in the middle of the room on a stool where anyone could walk by and accidentally knock it over. Now this (spoiler alert!) will be Chekhov's vase so I get they need to set it up, but I'm sorry, it still made me mad that she would treat a valuable piece like that.
Buddy has started a new job at a car dealership. On his first day, three other sales guys point out an older gentleman inspecting a car and tell Buddy he should try to sell him a car. One guys bets him $1,000 he won't be able to sell him the car and the other guys get in on it, so for $3,000 Buddy is eager to show them what he can do. He goes outside and the other guys start snickering because the joke is that the man outside owns the dealership. From their perspective, we see Buddy talking to him, but we don't hear anything. He comes in about ten seconds later and tells them to put the money on his desk by the end of the day, then the owner comes in and dumfoundedly says he can't believe he just bought one of his cars. I guess this scene is here to show us Buddy can sell anything (though we never see him trying to sell anything else), but obviously they (the writers) couldn't think of how he would be able to sell the owner of the car dealership a car (at sticker price!) so they copped out and didn't show us.
Tia is thrilled when Buddy tells her he sold a car on his first day because they can now pay off their "monumental debt." Obviously, Buddy doesn't care about this because we'll soon see him spending a lot of money on frivolous stuff.
His daughters show him a website called "My Earth" which is basically Google Earth, but they must not have had the rights to use its name. On it, "you can see every house in the country from space." Every house, that is, except for their house. For some stupid reason, Buddy is really upset about that and when he sees a Christmas light while he's taking out the trash, he gets the idea to put lights on his house to brighten it.
The next day he goes to a hardware store and throws all the lights in his cart until it's full with boxes of lights. He empties the shelf and asks an employee if he can order more lights for him. In the backroom, he sees a horse-drawn sleigh which he buys. Now you think his wife would be outraged that he bought such an expensive (and unnecessary, like what are they going to do with that thing?) purchase, but she loves it! (Maybe Buddy got a good deal on it.)
Meanwhile, across the street, the Finches are getting ready to take their annual Christmas card photo where they all wear the same Christmas sweater and get their picture taken in front of the fireplace. Carter looks outside and exclaims, "The new neighbors have reindeer!" I thought we were gonna see reindeer, but they're just horses with fake antlers duct-taped to their heads. Is this kid a bit dumb?
Steve tries to herd his family back to the house to take their photo, but Tia suggests they take it on the sleigh and Kelly loves the idea. I have to admit, I think it's a really good idea and would make for a really cool Christmas photo. Carter gets in the sleigh and Buddy tells them, "We should keep our voices down a little because I found these horses on the outskirts of town and they look a little skittish to me." I'm a little confused how he rounded up these horses. You would think he was borrowing them from a stable, but he makes it sound like they're random wild horses. How would you even be able to round up wild horses? This is so dumb. Steve is (rightly) freaked out by what Buddy just said and tells his son to get out. Somehow the kid gets off the sleigh, but Steve is now in it and the horses take off. The horses take Steve into the streets where the sleigh is crashing into parked cars and barely missing people on the sidewalks. The sleigh comes unattached from the horses and goes over a snowbank where it flies across a street and lands on a frozen lake after sliding and spinning around a few moments. When the sleigh was flying overhead, a kid in a car sees it and exclaims, "Santa! He's real! I knew it!" Oh, I should mention that Buddy had put a Santa coat and hat on Steve so he was wearing that. The ice breaks and he and the sleigh go underwater, but luckily his family and the Halls must have followed him there because the next scene has him in the back of a car. He's naked, in a sleeping bag, next to Buddy who tells him they're onto way to the hospital and they had to strip him so he wouldn't freeze. The camera pans out to reveal that Buddy is also naked in the sleeping bag. When Steve questions him about that, his reply is, "I had to get your body temperature up, so I stripped us both and down and zipped us into this sleeping bag." Hmmm, I don't think it works that way. The movie could have gone for many jokes, but instead Steve just starts screaming. Yes, whatever joke they would have come up with would have probably been really stupid, but it's better than just the punchline being a scream.
When he's back home, he's complaining to his wife who says, "The doctor says he probably saved your life." Steve replies, "Which is only fair since he's the one that almost got me killed in the first place." I mean, he's not lying. Do you think Buddy got his money back for the sleigh? Did he get sleigh insurance? Why isn't his wife angry that he spent so much money on something that they don't have anymore? This movie is so stupid.
We're now seeing more lights on the Hall home and people are driving by to look at it.
Much to Steve's chagrin, Kelly has invited the neighbors to join them to pick out a Christmas tree. We don't see it, but I'm assuming the advent calendar has a Christmas tree on this particular day. The Finch's have their own private Christmas tree lot with about five or six trees, each one taller than the next. Is this a thing? Do people grow their Christmas tree several years in advance? Steve tells the Halls he has the next five years of trees all lined up. He has brought an axe and promised his son he could chop down a tree. (I dunno, chopping down a tree does NOT look like fun to me! It looks like a lot of hard work!)
Buddy has brought a chainsaw and before he and his family go out to find a tree, he says, "Last ones to the cars are losers." This stupid comment makes Steve become competitive and he wants to chop down the tree himself so they can get it faster. (Um, I've never used an axe or a chainsaw, but I'm betting the chainsaw gets the job done quicker!)
We see Buddy turn around and knock over a can of gasoline with the tip of the chainsaw. I was confused why there was a random can of gasoline just sitting in the snow, but I guess you need gasoline for chainsaws...which I had no idea. The thing is, we never see him putting it in the chainsaw or mention it or anything. It's just sitting there. I don't think he knocked it over on purpose because the movie would definitely let us know by showing him being devious and really obvious about him wanting to sabotage Steve's Christmas tree lot.
The gas pours out in a puddle around the tree Steve has started chopping down. It's a good thing his son isn't chopping it down because a burst of flames goes up and swallows the tree in seconds. And if it isn't bad enough their tree for this year goes up in literal flames, so do all the other trees lined up behind it. Of course Steve is livid (yeah, I would be too, that's gotta be expensive having your own private Christmas tree lot) and why the hell would someone just leave an unopened can of gasoline around flammable trees?
Buddy wants to work on a sequencer (I think that's the right word) so he can have the lights set to music. The next day, while he's at work, Steve sees Buddy buying more lights. (I would love to know how much all these lights are costing!) He goes over to talk to him and some guy stop them, asking what he thinks of the tree in the town center. Steve thinks he's talking to him and starts to speak, but the guy says he was talking to Buddy because "he is the expert." This doesn't make Steve happy. After Buddy is done talking and praising the tree (and basically offering obvious things about it such as the ornaments are nicely placed), Steve tells him he's the Christmas expert. Apparently this town also has a Fourth of July expert and another holiday with an expert that I can't remember. He tells Buddy he can have Halloween. I'm sorry, but this is the stupidest thing. Why is he an "expert" at Christmas? He just seems to be an expert at wanting to make sure his family Christmas is the same every year with their scheduled events.
It's now December 15th and the advent calendar shows carolers so that must means it's time to go caroling! Some people have come over to the Finch's to go caroling with Steve, which is obviously a tradition they always do. This was a funny scene because while he's trying to harmonize with his carolers in his yard, across the street, Buddy's lights are on full force and a Christmas rap song starts blaring. Everyone in Steve's caroling group keeps looking behind them and it's clear they have no intention of caroling and want to go over and join the festivities going on at the Halls'. There's even a local news reporter from channel 8 to interview Buddy about the lights. He says he's gonna put out more lights (WHY??) and he's not gonna stop until he has "the biggest and brightest light display in the world" and adds that he wants his house to be "seen from outer space." What is with this weird obsession with wanting his house to be seen from space? Yes, it's been stated that he doesn't like being invisible, but I never get the sense that he's invisible...everyone in town seems to love him and his Christmas lights and his Christmas "expertise". It's just so stupid! Ha, I was listening to the podcast episode that How Did This Get Made? did about this movie and they were arguing (in a joking way) over who was the protagonist of this movie because both of them suck!
Steve is trying to get out of his driveway, but a trailer and another large vehicle are parked in front of it with very little room for his car to get through. Some guy (who's been drinking) tells him he'll guide him out. Well, he gets distracted by the lights and Steve's car ends up getting scraped by a hook on the back of the trailer. (Even if the guy wasn't drunk and/or distracted, there's no way he would have successfully guided Steve's car between that small space!) The door on the other side gets caught up on something and the guy just tells Steve just to floor it and he does and when he gets out on the street, both front doors of his car are gone. I admit, I did laugh at that.
Once everyone is gone, Tia tells her husband the thing we're all thinking: "It's the stupidest thing", referring to Buddy wanting their house to be seen from space. I honestly don't know why Tia hasn't set her foot down on all the money Buddy is spending on frivolous things. But she still doesn't say anything. There is now a "live manger scene" in their front yard complete with a cow, donkey, and camel. (And he'll hire actors when he's performing for the neighbors.) How much is all this costing? Do the animals stay there all the time or are they just there when he puts on a show? If they're there all the time, how is he affording to feed and take care of them? (We only see them when they're needed for the plot.) Also, something tells me a camel cannot survive in the Massachusetts winter!
The camel makes its big appearance (camel cameo?) the night Steve decides he's going to dress all in black and sneak over to cut the power. He uses his son as a lookout. Before he gets to the fuse box, Buddy comes outside and looks around (I guess he heard a noise) and to hide himself, Steve dives into the penned-in area where the animals are being kept. This results in the camel spitting some bright atomic yellow stuff on him.
He ends up stuffing a snowball in the fuse box and the light go out. This satisfies Steve greatly. Right away, I knew the lights were going to come back on shortly with the help of a generator. And I was right. Buddy knows it was Steve who sabotaged his lights and decides to get back at him.
At first, Steve thinks Buddy is offering an olive branch because he wakes up to find a new (and tall!) Christmas tree in his living room with an apology letter. Um, when did Buddy put that up? Did he comes over to their house in the middle of the night? This movie leaves so many unanswered questions. Not only is there a new tree, but also a new car in the driveway. When Buddy sees Steve and Kelly fawning over it, he comes over to tell them the car is theirs for what he's put them through.
The first sign that Buddy is up to no good is when Steve drives to work and sees someone has cut down the tree in the town center, leaving only the stump. Surely Steve, being Mr. Christmas and all, would recognize the ornaments on the tree. I think deep down he knows it's the same tree, but is telling himself it's not. The second sign that Buddy is up to no good is when Steve arrives at work and his assistant hands him some papers from the car dealership and says, "They say you have to pay for the car by lunchtime or you're going to be arrested." Guess he wasn't gifted a car after all!
Meanwhile, at his job, Buddy is told that while he's a great car salesman, his numbers are down because he's never around (because he's buying all those stupid lights!). Buddy goes into some spiel about how the Christmas lights are more important than his job because he's always quitting things, but he needs "to finish this." (And apparently it won't be finished until aliens can see his house or something stupid like that!) He is told that he won't have a job to come back to when he's done with the lights.
Steve shows up with the paperwork and confronts Buddy about it who tells him, "I'm guessing that's the bill to the new car you bought." He tells Steve the car is his (Steve's) because he signed a contact. This enrages Steve because of course never signed anything and Buddy admits he was the one who forged Steve's signature. Uh, that seems like a major felony! There's this whole stupid subplot where the chief of police wears women's underwear so this makes Steve wary of calling the police for help, so you know he's not getting the police involved in this. Instead, he tells Buddy he's going to call his attorney. At least that's something, but Buddy talks him out of it and brings up Winterfest and the speed skating race where they can compete against each other. Steve likes this idea and lays down the rules: "You win, I buy the car. I win you take down the lights." This seems a bit one-sided. One guy has to buy a very expensive SUV and the other guy just has to take down some lights? WTF is this? Why is Steve agreeing to this? And he was the one who made the rules! Dumb idiot!
The Winterfest has arrived. It's Christmas carnival their town hosts every year that has "a show, games, ice sculptures, and [speed skating] races."
Steve and Buddy are freaked out by what they've just done and we see them wiping their eyes out with holy water at a church. This church has a P.A. system which alerts them the speed skating race will be held in five minutes. There's really nothing to say about this race except that there's a lot of people falling and tripping and Buddy ends up winning which means Steve will have to pay up. So stupid of him to agree to have this race! Steve goes low by telling Buddy the last time he looked at the My Earth website, he couldn't see Buddy's house (Whoooooooooooo cares?) and asks him, "How's it feel to be invisible?" This hurt Buddy's feelings. So your house can't be seen from freakin' space! As my mom would say, Buck up!
Buddy has gone completely off his rocker because in the next scene we see him at home talking on the phone, asking how much a bunch of LED lights he wants to order would cost with the shipping. We don't hear the price, but it's obvious exorbitant. I did laugh when he asks if that price is in yen. We see him looking at his wife's priceless vase and puts in the order.
In the next scene, Tia has discovered the stand holding her vase is empty and asks Buddy about it. (Is this the same day? How did he sell it so quickly?) When she asks him if he pawned her grandmother's vase, he asks her, "How am I supposed to afford a camel on a car salesman salary?" Why is this now about the camel? I thought he was buying lights with the money from his wife's vase. He adds he couldn't get a loan because he lost his job and that's how she finds out he doesn't have a job anymore. Those Christmas lights/Christmas display seem to be more important to him than his wife or kids of having a job.
But Buddy doesn't seem to care about any of this and puts on a big show with his lights and music for a big crowd, including the local news. There are even images of himself on the roof. He must have filmed himself, then projected himself. I would love to know how long it took to coordinate all of this. It's actually pretty impressive what he did, surely there's a profession for him in Christmas light and music sequencing or whatever you would call it. While the show is going on, his wife and daughters get in the car and leave. He half-assedly yells after them not to leave, but what's more important is that after the show is over, he tells the audience, "The show is gonna be repeated every night, on a loop, until 4 a.m." I'm pretty sure this is called disturbing the peace and is illegal to be playing music that loud (because it is blaring).
Steve has had enough and his solution is to buy some firecrackers. Now we had heard earlier there was a "Fourth of July guy" in this town and you would think that's the guy he buys it from, but it's never mentioned it's the same guy! He gets on his roof and shoots some fireworks off towards Buddy's house. He will later learn this was all for nothing because Buddy was at the motel his family was staying at, throwing pebbles at the window to get their attention. But even worse, a large firework ends up going down Steve's house's chimney and ricochets around his house before hitting the tree, setting it on fire. His wife is up at this point and sees the whole thing (and the firework nearly misses her). You would think she would grab the kids and leave, but no, this doesn't happen until the next morning. They go to stay with Tia and the twins.
Steve is sad and Buddy is sad. Boo hoo hoo, maybe they shouldn't have acted like total idiots.
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