This Stitch Has a Glitch

Lilo and Stitch  

Director: Dean Fleischer Camp

Cast: Maia Kealoha, Sydney Agudong, Zach Galifianakis, Billy Magnussen, Tia Carrere, Courtney B. Vance, Hannah Waddington, Chris Sanders

Released: May 23, 2025

Since I already reviewed the animated movie from 2002, I thought I would point out the differences in the live action movie and what worked and what didn't work. For the most part, the movie (like most live action Disney movies that are a take on their animated counterpart) follows the original almost exactly, with just a few tweaks. 

In my other review, I mentioned that Chris Sanders and Dean DuBlois, the directors of the original (and more superior) Lilo and Stitch also directed How To Train Your Dragon from 2010. Chris Sanders (remember, he's also the person who came up with the story for Lilo and Stitch) returns as the voice of Stitch. I bring this up because How To Train Your Dragon was also made into a live action movie that came out about a month after this one and that one was directed by Dean DuBlois. While I like the animated HTTYD better (than its live action counterpart), I think the live action HTTYD works better than the live action Lilo and Stitch. If neither of these movies existed in their animated forms (how sad!) and we only saw them in their live action forms, I could see a world where HTTYD could exist in live action without having an animated counterpart. But if you were to watch live action Lilo and Stitch without any context of the animated movie, it would just be odd. I was really invested in the story of these two orphaned sisters and how they would make ends meet, but when Stitch or the other aliens are on screen, it almost just takes me out of it. I think the 2002 movie works better because you can get away more with the absurdity of the story because it's an animation. When it's live action, you notice the absurdity a lot more and it doesn't fit within the world. If that makes sense.  

My TL;DR sentence: I think both Lilo and Stitch and How To Train Your Dragon work better as animated movies, but HTTYD also works as a live action movie while Lilo and Stitch just feels odd as a live action film. 

(Remember, I'm only comparing the two because both live action adaptions came out within a month of each other and the animated movies were directed by the same guys.)

Obviously, I need to compare and contrast the two titular characters. The gist of both of them is still the same: Lilo, an orphaned girl, befriends this strange "dog" she names Stitch. I know this may sound strange, but one of the things I noticed is that in the animated movie, Lilo and Stitch are the same height (Lilo is very short!). This is not the case in this movie; after all, it would be weird as hell if they made Stitch the same size as a six-year-old. (In the animated movie, I wasn't sure exactly how old Lilo was supposed to be, but in this movie, we get confirmation that she's six.) I feel this makes them almost seen as equals in the animated film while Stitch just feels like her pet (which, to be fair, is what he's supposed to be) in the newer movie. 

Lilo is played by newcomer Maia Kealoha and while she is very cute, she wasn't the best at acting. Look, the girl was probably only seven or eight when she filmed this so I wasn't expecting an Oscar-winning performance, but some of her lines sounded really stilted. I'm thinking in particular of the scene where she and Stitch are in this motorized child's vehicle  (which Stitch hijacked from some poor girl around Lilo's age) driving around the island (it's a Big Wheel in the animated movie!) and Lilo says, "Don't you love living on an island with no big cities? It's just miles and miles of water." The line reading just sounds so stiff; it's almost like they told her what to say right before the scene and she said it, but it came out like a line. Which, technically, it was, but the secret of acting is to make people believe you're not acting! In the animated movie, Lilo has a very similar line, only she says, "It's nice living on an island with no big cities." They probably should have just had live action Lilo (heh...Live Action Lilo...that sounds like a superhero name) say the exact same line and just try to capture Daveigh Chase's natural line reading. 

When Stitch lands on Earth, he comes across an outdoor wedding where "Uptown Funk" is playing and spotting a piece of cake on a table, Stitch uses a golf cart to transport himself there.

Uh...damn, I just realized I'm doing the same thing I did in my review of the originial movie where I refer to Stitch as "Stitch" before he's given the name. Just go with it. It's hard not to call him Stitch, you know?

Anyway, we get this ridiculous scene where the bride and groom are about to do a Dirty Dancing-type dance and before the bride leaps into the groom's arms, Stitch goes flying and ends up in his arms instead and of course the guys is freaked out. I think I would be too if this strange blue furry creature landed on me! Stitch starts running under the tables and people are screaming and freaked out (but not freaked out enough in my opinion! Like what do they think this odd creature is? Surely they know it's nothing of this world!). Someone is trying to smack him with a broom which made me chuckle. I did think it was insane that everyone at this HUGE wedding is looking for him and it seems to take awhile before someone finally notices that he's sitting in the punch bowl (EWWW) and then he jumps into the cake as the grand finale. If I were the bride, I would be PISSED! I will say the image of him having four pieces of cake in each of his hands is pretty funny.

We saw at least one person taking photos of him while he was being chased at the wedding. You would think this would go viral, but it never does. I don't really understand the point of this whole sequence (aside from the silly shenanigan) especially because Stitch will still get run over by a truck (in this case it's a trolley).

The live action movie introduces us to some new characters (and has subtracted at least one pretty big (no pun intended) character. I was okay with these new characters because they made sense in the context of the movie. The first is that Cobra Bubbles is not the social worker. Don't worry, he's still in the movie. Instead the social worker is a woman named Mrs. Kekoa and she's played by Tia Carrere, who was the original voice of Nani, Lilo's older sister. I love that they incorporated someone from the original movie into this one so I'm okay with the change and it was fun seeing the two Nanis interact. 

When Mrs. Kekoa (original Nani) visits the sisters for the first time, they do the similar scene in the 2002 movie where Nani (Sydney Agudong) asks the social worker to wait a minute (because Lilo has locked her out of the house) and she runs into the house (after pushing the back door so hard that the chain keeping it locked breaks) and the camera remains on the social workers as we hear some crashing and the record scratching and Lilo exclaiming, "Hey, don't touch that!" before the Elvis song stop playing. I appreciate that they try to replicate what they do in the animated movie, but it was just done so much better in the 2002 movie. It might have to do with the fact that it is probably easier to convey in an animated movie. 

Nani asks Mrs. Kekoa if she would like anything to drink and when she requests tea, Nani puts Capri Sun in a tea cup and microwaves it. Yuck! I did laugh when Mrs. Kekoa mentions the tea is "pretty sweet" and by the end of their meeting, she knows that it's just heated up Capri Sun. 

She tells Nani that things don't look good and that they "have a new director coming into town next week." When she mentioned that, I figured this must be Cobra Bubbles. She wants to come up with some goals with Nani for her and Lilo to achieve by then. These goals include cleaning the house (including laundry and stocking the fridge), paying all the bills, and filing for health insurance for both her and Lilo. Mrs. Kekoa wants Nani to get all these done by Friday. I'm not sure what day it is now, but I hope it's at least Monday to give her some time to get all this done. 

Another new character is the neighbor lady who almost acts like a grandmother figure to the two girls. At first I thought she was David's mom, but I don't think that's the case. She just seems to know David. But I was fine with this authority figure because that means at least the girls had one adult looking out for them. Although there are a few changes concerning her that irritated me. 

After her visit with Mrs. Kekoa, Nani is chatting with her neighbor and this is when we find out that Nani got accepted to her "dream school" which is UCSD which she wants to go there for marine biology? Uh, do they not have marine biology department at a Hawaiian school? It's Hawaii....I mean, you would think. Her neighbor encourages Nani to attend college, but Nani claims she can't go because she has to watch Lilo. Do these girls not have grandparents or aunts or uncles that can help out? I guess not. This was never really touched on in the animated movie either. It does seem pretty unfair for this eighteen-year-old girl to have to become her sister's mother as well....and we know that Lilo prefers her as a sister than a mom. 

In the animated movie, when Jumba and Pleakley are sent to Earth, they "disguise" themselves by wearing clothes and trying to hide their alien features (which doesn't exactly work), but because we're dealing with the (literal) real world in this movie, Jumba and Pleakley disguise themselves as humans. I'm okay with this change because while it was absurd and funny in the 2002 movie, it wouldn't work here. Even though we're dealing with a universe where aliens do exist, this movie does try to be as realistic as it can. However, the way they come by their disguises just baffled me.  

The two aliens are wearing trench coats and have scarfs and/or handkerchiefs wrapped around their faces, and are wearing big sunglasses and straw hats. They're walking down a busy tourist street with a "Federation-certified cloning device", looking for their prey. They're completely covered up,...except for their tails and Jumba's huge heavy elephant-thick legs. (Don't ask me how nobody noticed THAT!) They look absolutely ridiculous...there's no way they could keep up that disguise without looking suspicious. 

They find two guys (Zach Galifianakis and Billy Magnussen) walking towards them who "look like best friends just like us" according to Pleakley. He knocks over one of the guy's golf bags and helps him with it. He touches the human's arm with his green tentacle and the guys doesn't even seem to notice. Yeah, I call bs. This allows him to become cloned and Jumba does the same thing with the other guy. They have now become those humans...but what happened to the two guys? Are they just laying in the middle of the sidewalk? Did their bodies disappear? Have Pleakley and Jumba completely inhabited these humans? Yeah, they didn't really explain that very well. As far as I know, they just killed those two guys. It was amusing trying to watch them "walk" because they're not used to having human legs, though I would argue at least Pleakley had legs more similar to a human's while Jumba had these huge tree trunks for legs. I have to say, it does feel off Jumba not having a Russian accent, though if you think about it, aliens should not have any accent from this world, much less be able to speak English! When they check into the hotel, they're acting all weird, asking for a "hot tube" and when the receptionist asks where they're from they both reply "Earth" and Jumba adds, "We both grew up in Earth." Wait a sec...aren't you supposed to show some sort of identification (like a driver's license) when you're checking into a hotel? The way these two are acting, I'm surprised the receptionist wasn't a bit more suspicious. These two would have been red flags to me, but they just let it slide for the plot of the movie. 

Later, they see something on the news about a trolley that ran over an unusual creature and that it is recovering at the animal rescue. Video footage of Stitch taken at the wedding is shown, but I still think the whole wedding scene was unnecessary.  

The way Lilo acquires Stitch is a little bit different than the animated movie. She still gets him from the animal shelter, but it's her neighbor who takes her there while Nani is at work. They're actually at some outdoor market and the animal shelter is nearby and Lilo asks if she can look at the dogs. 

Before Lilo arrived, Stitch had escaped from his cage and went outside where he sees a sandwich in the garbage and when he goes to gobble it up, darts are shot at him. Jumba and Peakley had found him because he was wearing a tracking device on his collar. He uses the garbage lid to shield himself from the darts and goes back in through the front door where he walks on the ceiling while Lilo is talking to the girl at the front desk. 

It's the neighbor that allows Lilo to get her new blue "dog" after Lilo begs her. I can't believe she just bought a dog without Nani's permission. In the animated movie, it was Nani who took her to the animal shelter with the intention of getting her a dog. I'm not sure why they changed it. Obviously, when they get home, Nani is not happy about this new pet and I don't blame her one bit. An animal is a big responsibility and they already have enough to deal with. The neighbor tells her it was her idea to get Lilo the animal because "a pet might bring some joy." Okay, then maybe suggest that to Nani first, then let Nani take Lilo to the shelter to pick out a pet. 

Stitch being a lil sh*t #1

Lilo and her new pet are in the truck with Nani who's driving to work. (Another difference is that in the animated movie they walked everywhere while in this movie they have the convince of a car.) Stitch is just being an *$$h0le and going wild, messing around with the radio, honking the horn, taking out the CD (who still listens to CDs in cars? What is this? 2002?) and throwing it out the window where it hits the car behind them. Like, Stitch was annoying in the animated movie, but he's probably even more annoying in this one. He rips the fabric of the seat with his claw and Nani comments they'll have to stitch that up.

For some reason, this causes Lilo to scream bloody murder. Nani stops the car and asks, "What?", obviously concerned that something has happened. Lilo replies, "That's his name, Stitch!" Seriously, you screamed like you were getting murdered for that? Why? Anyway, I liked how Stitch got his name in the 2002 movie better. Lilo just straight up said "His name is Stitch" and that was it. Plus she didn't scream before she thought of it, so that's a plus. I don't know why they needed a reason for his name to be Stitch. Sometimes kids just think up a name for their pet as soon as they get them. 

When Nani starts the car, she almost hits the two aliens disguised as humans who are standing on a crosswalk. They know that Stitch knows he's safe as long as he's with Lilo because they can't be attacking him if he's near humans. Nani apologizes to them for almost hitting them and as she continues to drive, Jumba throws a tracking device which attaches itself underneath the car. (Stitch must have gotten rid of the collar with the tracking device earlier.) 

Stitch being a lil sh*t #2

While they're at the outdoor restaurant where Nani works at, Stitch continues to be super annoying. He goes over to this little kiosk that serves drinks and takes out a sprayer and shouts, "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!" before spraying Lilo with it and they get into a soda spraying fight. This is not in the animated movie and I have no doubt they wanted to add more obnoxious things for Stitch to do because the kids watching this movie would love it. 

During a fire twirling performance, Stitch decides to grab his own pair of fire sticks and starts twirling them. When he sees a security guard running towards him, he throws the sticks and one of them lands on a table and starts a fire. This is way worse than what happened in the animated movie. (He attacks Jumba and Pleakley who are not here.) The fire is put out, but Nani's boss gives her the death stare. Nani knows who did this and turns to give Lilo and Stitch the death stare of her own. 

Stitch continues to act like an @$$hole. He tries to high five Lilo, but even she knows the situation isn't good and refuses. 

Now we see Jumba and Pleakley show up just as the sisters are leaving. There is a funny scene of Jumba trying to drive a golf cart and he doesn't know how to start it because "there are no instruments." 

It's interesting that after animated Nani gets fired from her job, she doesn't blame it on Lilo, but when real girl Lilo makes a remark that Nani didn't even like that job, Nani snaps, "I don't want to hear it." (Though I certainly don't blame her for being pissed!) 

Stitch being a lil sh*t #3

I've already mentioned that they made Stitch way more annoying in this movie. Well, remember how bad he was the first time he's introduced to the house in the animated movie? He might be even worse during this scene in this movie. They try to give him a bath, but he ends up in the toilet, then goes to the kitchen and wipes his bum across the floor, ewww. He turns on the stove and he smacks Nani in the face (twice!) with the freezer door when he's holding on to the fridge handle and she's trying to grab him. Lilo pulls the "Ohana means family" guilt trip on her and that's how Stitch stays, but if I were Nani, I would tell Lilo, "F Ohana, we're taking this terror mutt back to the pound!" 

We do see Scrump (Lilo's ragdoll) when Lilo shows her to Stitch and tells him, "You can play with Scrump, but be nice." 

Okay, remember when Mrs. Kekoa told Nani that a new director was coming next week and I thought it would be Cobra Bubbles? Well, I was wrong. When we meet Special Agent Bubbles (Courtney B. Vance), he's in a field studying an odd vessel that crashed in a tree (clearly the spaceship Stitch crashed). He's with other agents and one of them tells him, "There's no sign of a pilot, no tracks, no trails." It turns out he bugged the home of the sisters (not sure when that happened) and when he heard a social worker would be coming to the house, he asked an agent for the social worker and remarked, "I'm going undercover." 

At the beach, during the surfing scene, Jumba and Peakley shoot darts at Stitch who falls into the water. He keeps scrambling on top of Lilo's head making her sink so he won't. While all this is going on, Cobra is on the beach and sees that he's not the only one after Stitch. 

Once Lilo gets back to shore, there is a big difference where Nani tells someone to call an ambulance after Lilo spits out some water. I'm not really 100% sure about water safety, but I feel like she's probably okay and the ambulance wasn't needed? Maybe? IDK? I mean, she spit out the water and is breathing okay. 

Looks like I'm right because at the hospital, the doctor pretty much tells Nani that Lilo's going to be okay. Stitch is there too, sitting on David's lap and I'm thinking, They're allowed to bring this animal in the hospital when the doctor asks, "Is that a-" and David says, "It's a service animal." Service animal, my ass! When the doctor mentions she can go up front where they can run her insurance, Nani has a look of horror on her face because there is no insurance. Again, why did you call the ambulance and bring her to the hospital when she was breathing on her own two seconds after getting pulled from the water? 

She must have called Mrs. Kekoa because in the next scene we see her sitting with Nani in the hospital hall, outside of Lilo's room. She tells her, "There's a way that the state will pay for all of this, but it means you have to official relinquish guardianship of Lilo." When Lilo is released from the hospital, Nani tells her they're going to "have to make some changes." 

There's a sweet moment where Lilo and Nani are cuddled on the hammock together singing a song while Nani strums a ukulele and Nani tells her, "I want you to know, whatever happens, I love you so much much."  While this is going on, Stitch leaves and ends up back at the animal shelter. 

The Ugly Duckling storyline is not in this movie which felt a little jarring since in the original film he feels lost like the duck and it was a great analogy. Instead, Lilo shows him a photo book of her family when her parents were alive. I mention this because in the animated film Lilo tells Stitch can go if he wants and he grabs the book before leaving.

The next morning, Mrs. Kekoa and Mr. Bubbles have come to get Lilo, but when Nani goes in her room, she isn't there. Instead, she is outside looking for Stitch. It's interesting that in the animated movie she gives permission for Stitch to go, so there's a big difference there. 

Like the 2002 movie, the Councilwoman checks in with Pleakley and Jumba from time to time. She is not happy that 626 hasn't been captured yet and basically gives Agent Pleakley the go ahead to arrest Jumba and bring him back to Turo, but Jumba has other plans. I mentioned earlier a pretty major character is missing and that is Gantu the humongous elephant/shark-like alien. Instead, they make Jumba the Big Bad of the movie. I don't love this change, but I do understand why they did it. When Lilo eventually finds Stitch at the animal shelter where he's back in his cage and after a heartfelt conversation, Jumba enters and chases them to Lilo's house. 

During the house raid, in front of Lilo, Jumba tells Stitch the only reason he manipulated  Lilo into choosing him at the animal shelter was for his own protection and if does care about Lilo, then he'll leave her here. Stitch surrenders and lets Jumba put the tracking collar on him and follows him to his spaceship. I should also mention that Jumba is now in his alien form during all this. 

We're about an hour and ten minutes into the movie at this point and I can't help but notice that Stitch knows quite a bit of English...more than he did in the animated movie. I don't remember him speaking in full sentences; I just remembered him maybe uttering a word or two in English to make his point so the humans could understand him, but here it seems like he's just having full blown conversations. 

So now we're to the part where the house has collapsed and Nani, David, Cobra, and the neighbor lady find the debris. Pleakley appears from a pile of rubble and tells them Lilo's not there, that she's on the space ship. That's another slight difference, In the 2002 movie, Gantu captured Lilo and Stitch and put them in the capsule attached to his space craft. Here, Jumba's only interested in Stitch and Lilo sneaks on the space ship. I don't remember how Pleakley knows this...I guess he saw her? 

This whole scene in the animated movie is pretty insane with Stitch trying to save Lilo and crashing and hijacking a semi truck and driving it into a volcano....the 2025 movie doesn't do any of that...probably because it's insane and would be a bitch to do all that. That said, it's still pretty crazy, just not crashing into a volcano crazy. 

Just before Jumba is about to put an end to Stitch, Lilo crawls out from her hiding space and distracts him long enough for Stitch to escape from his constraints. Lilo is way too laid back for the situation she's put herself into. She's not scared at all. She's calling Jumba names like Pizza Face and making cracks about him having a disco ball in his space ship. (What was that all about anyway?) Maybe she feels confident because she has Stitch on her side, but she doesn't seem to realize what she's gotten herself into. 

Jumba falls out of the ship and the vessel crashes into the ocean. Lilo is stuck under some wreckage and Stitch is able to lift it up (remember, he's super strong) so she can escape. She tries to save Stitch, but he's too heavy. I think one thing this movie does better than the animated movie is remind us that Stitch becomes super heavy when he gets wet because his molecular density is too great. In the animated movie, it's easy to forget about that because it's only mentioned once in the beginning and when David rescues him after the surfing incident, he doesn't seem to have any issue. Of course, in this movie, live action David does the same and doesn't seem to have any issues so David must have some super strength for a skinny guy. 

Nani puts Lilo on David's surfboard and Lilo begs her to save Stitch and reminds her about Ohana and asks, "What about nobody gets left behind?" They're probably about a half mile (or maybe closer to shore). Nani dives down and scoops up Stitch and walks across the ocean floor holding him like he's an anvil. This reminded me of that one Survivor challenge (don't ask me what season, but probably one in the late teens or early twenties) where the players had to dive down to the ocean floor and carry a heavy chest to the shore...of course they would come up with air and dive down again while Nani seems to do this in one go. I'm impressed she can hold her breath for that long. I'm also a little  skeptical she was able to do that. 

She makes it to the beach and they try to revive him, but it doesn't look like he's going to make it and there's sad music and everyone's sad. Like, who are we kidding here? It's f***ing Lilo and Stitch. We know he doesn't die in the original (spoiler alert!) so we know he'll make it. This felt a little like emotional manipulation.

Then the Councilwoman arrives to take 626 and we're back in sync with the 2002 movie, the only difference here is that they take out Stitch belonging to Lilo because she owns him since she paid for him. I guess we never saw her pay for her new pet in this movie (I'm guessing her neighbor bought him for her) so instead Cobra and Pleakley make a deal with her that Pleakley will watch over Stitch and Cobra will make sure this will never be found out and she seem satisfied with this. I guess they forgot about all those videos taken of Stitch at that wedding. 

There are a few loose ends that we need to tie up. The neighbor lady (you can probably tell that I don't remember her name) has offered to take in Lilo so she'll still be next door. Wouldn't have this been easier if she had just done this a long time ago? This just seems way too easy and it's a bit dumb they didn't think of this before. 

Nani ends up going to college in San Diego to study marine biology and after the ending montage set to "Burning Love" (it's not Elvis or Wynona singing it; it's two kids who are Bruno Mars' nephews (now I get why they had "Uptown Funk" playing during the wedding scene) and let's just say these kids didn't inherit their uncle's talent...I'll just leave it at that. 

The very last scene of the movie, we see Lilo talking to Nani on FaceTime and Nani tells her to "hold on a sec" and disappears from the frame. Lilo is asking her questions about her dorm room and college life, but Nani isn't responding and Lilo asks her where she went. We then see a light and a hand reaches out to touch Lilo's foot. It's Nani behind her and she's come through a portal with one of the ray guns the aliens brought with them. Oh, did I not mention these? They're laser guns you can shoot and it can make you go from one place to another in an instant. It's insane that the girls were able to keep this and I am 110% positive the only reason they had Nani go to college in San Diego was so they could have this asinine scene. 

It felt like they were trying to shove Stitch in our faces, like "Look how cute he is! You came to see this movie because you love Stitch!" There's even a scene where Pleakley mentions to Jumba how cute or adorable Stitch is (I can't remember the exact context) and it just felt like it was pandering to the Stitch Stans (heh). I don't even think this Stitch was even cute. I love animated Stitch, but CGI Stitch is f***ing annoying as hell. 

Skip this one and watch the animated movie. 

Yuppie Yuletide

All I Want For Christmas

Director: Robert Lieberman

Cast: Ethan Randall, Thora Birch, Harley Jane Kozak, Jamey Sheridan, Lauren Bacall, Leslie Nielsen, Kevin Nealon

Released: November 8, 1991 

I tried to get this review up by Christmas, but on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I was sick with a sore throat and was miserable. I tried to write a little on Christmas Eve, but, as you can see, wasn't able to get the review out until now. At least it's still December and it's not like I'm posting a Christmas movie review in January.

This is a movie about a brother and sister trying to get their divorced parents back together. Ethan (played by Ethan Embry, though he is billed as Ethan Randall) and Hallie (played by Thora Birch) are the siblings; Ethan is about thirteen and Hallie is around seven or eight. 

 

This is the first Christmas since their dad moved out, so I guess their parents have been divorced for nearly a year. Apparently they divorced because their dad, Michael (played by Jamey Sheridan), quit some high-paying job to open a diner, which has always been a dream of his. Their mother, Catherine (played by Harley Jane Kozak, resented him for it because he was so busy with the diner because there's a lot of hard work involved in running one and she was never consulted about it. Honestly, this seems like something they could easily work through. At first I thought they were just separated, because it's mentioned the dad moved out, but no, they are divorced. 

It seems like this family is mooching off of Catherine's very rich mother, Lillian Brooks (played by Lauren Bacall), because they live in her very nice Manhattan townhouse complete with two housekeepers. One of them is a French woman named Olivia and she's pregnant. Just keep that in mind. Lillian is supposed to be some super famous actress and is referred to as "the second lady of the American theater", whatever that means. She's also a super snob. Later in the movie, the paramedics will arrive when Olivia goes in labor and when one of them asks her if she's Lillian Brooks, she replies, Yes, I am the Lillian Brooks." Like, get over yourself, lady. 

Catherine has started dating a man named Tony (played by Kevin Nealon) who works on Wall Street. I don't know how long they've been dating, but it seems to be moving awfully quick because later on in the movie it is revealed they plan to get married. 

Michael is supposed to take the kids to visit the Natural History Museum to see the dinosaurs, but Ethan suggests they visit the diner instead. The kids love the diner and they love helping out there. This is one of my favorite scenes: we see a montage set to the '50s song "Yakkity Yak" (you know, that song that goes, "Take out the papers and the trash or you don't get no spending cash...") while Hallie and Ethan are helping their dad, wait staff, and cooks. Now Hallie is doing very easy tasks like adding sprinkles to a sundae or taking two slices of cherry pie to a table. She's wearing a uniform complete with an apron and a paper hat, so it's all very cute, but if I were one of those patrons receiving pie from a seven-year-old, I'd be a little concerned. Ethan is behind the line, grabbing tickets and calling out orders like he's been doing this all his life. It looks like they're having a lot of fun while they're working and singing and dancing along with the other waitstaff and customers to the music. I guess it's a good thing these very well-to-do trust fund children are eager and willing to work at their father's diner, but something tells me OSHA wouldn't be too happy if they walked in and saw two underage children as part of the staff. 

Their dad lives in this HUGE loft on the top floor of the building where his diner is located. It was hinted that he had a good paying job before the diner gig, so I'm guessing that's how he's able to afford it, because no way he could pay for that otherwise. Don't these kids know that if they kept their parents divorced, they'd get twice the presents at Christmas and their birthdays? I kid, I kid. They'd probably get the same amount of presents regardless.

While they're playing pinball (because of course their dad has a pinball machine) while their dad is closing up the diner, Hallie tells Ethan she thinks their parents are getting along better. He asks her what makes her think this and she replies, "Cause I'm going to ask Santa to get them back together again so we can have us back together again." The hell? THAT DID NOT ANSWER HIS QUESTION! By the way, I don't know why she says that because she herself saw her parents arguing when their dad picked them up and he was late because something had come up at the diner. Their mom makes a comment about how the diner always comes first with him.  Ethan tells her she can't ask Santa for that and when she asks why not, he tells her he's "not a marriage counselor." 

When their dad reappears, Hallie asks him if he can take her to see Santa the next day since her mom is     busy. He has to work at the diner all day, so Hallie asks Ethan if he can take her which Michael thinks is a great idea. Ethan is making the biggest f***ing deal about it: "No. Uh-huh, don't even think about it. No." Dude, just take your little sister to see Santa. 

The next day they go to Macy's (in an earlier scene Hallie mentions that the Santa who works at Macy's is the real deal while all the other department store Santas are frauds) to see Santa. While they're waiting in line, Ethan tells her she can ask for toys or hair care products, but shouldn't ask him to get their parents back together and tells her, "You may not ask anything to do with interpersonal relationships, got it?" I think he is being a good older brother here, not telling her the reason why Santa won't be able to grant this particular request. 

Ethan sees some classmates from his private school and freaks out. He quickly gets out of the line, but remind his sister he's watching her before he does. While he's waiting for his sister, he's making a big show of looking at model airplanes when the boys from his school come over to taunt him. One of them tells him they saw him standing in line to see Santa. All he has to do is say the truth: that he's taking his little sister to see Santa. 

When it's Hallie's turn to see Santa (played by Leslie Nielsen) he asks her what her name is and she tells him, 'Hallie O'Fallon." He repeats it and adds, "There's a lot of L's in there" which made me laugh. Hallie gets straight to the point as she sits on Santa's lap: "Now here's the deal, Santa. My brother's watching, so whatever I say, just smile and nod." I should add that at this point, Ethan wasn't watching because he was interacting with his classmates. Hallie starts whispering in Santa's ear presumably telling him about her Christmas wish. He says that her request is "a tall order" and that "I usually specialize in stuff you can wrap." We get this odd moment where Hallie shushes him, then gets up to leave to end the scene.  

A party is being held at their Nana's house. It's pretty much held for her to light Christmas tree in front of everyone. It's a nice tree (though I have some issues with it), but like she even says, it's not the tree in Rockerfeller Center and why is she having a party just to have everyone ooh and aah when she plugs in some lights? If you're wondering, my issue with the tree is that there only seem to be green baubles on it. Maybe some red or gold ones would make it pop a bit more. There's just a lot of green. 

I guess there is a point to the party: it's to introduce us to a very pointless character who we really don't need in the movie. Catherine has invited one of her friends (I think they work together), Susan, and she has invited her daughter, Stephanie, who is visiting from Boston where she lives with her father and stepmom. According to Susan, "[Stephanie's] father and his really delightful fourth wife decided that they could trust me with her for a few days." Now there's a storyline that sounds way more interesting than these two yuppie kids trying to get their parents back together! This guy is on his fourth wife? Why don't they trust his ex with Stephanie? Anyway, Ethan has a crush on Stephanie and she's just there to pad out the movie and add a few extra scenes. She really doesn't add anything to advance the plot forward. 

We know he likes her because he gets embarrassed after making oinking sounds and sees her looking at him (though she's smiling). Why is oinking? Because Hallie had gone over to him with some hors d'oeuvres, but before she gave him any, she requested that he "make the pig sound." This scene is stupid for three reasons:

1. He tells her he will, but only once. He proceeded to oink for quite a while!

2. A better movie would have established he makes a pig sound that delights his sister before this scene.

3. Why is he even indulging her? Just get your own snacks! 

The party-goes are treated to a delightful duet of Baby it's Cold Outside between Hallie and her Nana. Now you think it would be a choice to have a grandmother and granddaughter singing this, and yeah, it is, but the audience loves it and is ahh-ing. Yes, Hallie has quite the voice for someone so young, but I tell you, if I were in that audience, I'd be rolling my eyes. The whole thing is just too cutesy and made me want to gag. 

The next day, Ethan has gone to an art museum (because he overheard that Stephanie would be there). He sees her in one of the rooms and in another room (with patrons roaming around) he starts having a monologue about what he's going to say to her. I guess the other patrons are used to being around weirdos in New York that it doesn't bother them this kid is talking to himself. He and Stephanie spend some time at the museum, then get lunch (at a department store of all places).

While Ethan is having his sort of date with Stephanie, Hallie is at home and overhears her mom tell her Nana (that would be Hallie's Nana, not Catherine's Nana; it would be Catherine's mother) that she's going to marry Tony. What the hell? That came up awfully fast. We never even saw Tony propose or even heard them discussing it. The only reason this is happening is for the sake of the plot. You see, little Hallie thinks this is her fault because when she told Santa she wanted her parents to remarry, she forgot to specify that she wanted them to remarry each other. Silly girl! 

When Ethan returns, Hallie confesses to him that she did ask Santa for "Mom and Dad to get married again", then tells him her little snafu with her wording and tells him about their mom marrying Tony. 

At this point, we had only met Tony when he came to pick up Catherine for a date, but now he's taking Catherine and Hallie to see a performance of The Nutcracker. They drop off Ethan at Michael's and Ethan convinces his mom to come in and see the diner (she's seriously hasn't seen it?), then she goes upstairs to check out his loft. While she's up there she tells him she's getting remarried and you can tell he's sad about it. If I were him, I'd be a little concerned that she's marrying someone who she probably just met. Unless did she just start dating Tony right after her divorce? 

During the intermission, Tony grabs three ginger ales. While he's gone, Catherine asks her daughter, who's been a little dismissive of Tony, if she could try to be friends with him because it's important to her (Catherine). Hallie says something about how Tony always expects her to be cute or do something cute or say something cute, which I didn't think was true at all. If anything, it's the movie that expects her to do those things. We've seen Tony ask her questions about The Nutcracker, asking her if she knows the composer (she does) and asking her if she wants to learn the rest of the words to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" when she keeps repeating the title over and over again (and not even singing the melody right). We even see him correct her when she uses the wrong word (she tells her mom she feels nauseous  and he tells her the word is "nauseated"). I never got the impression that Tony expected Hallie to be "cute" all the time. Hallie asks her, "Mommy, do you really like him, like a whole lot?"

Tony returns with the ginger ales and tells Hallie he put a cherry in hers, "so it an official Shirley Temple." Uh, no it's not. You need the grenadine. Hallie tells her mom she feels sick (this is when we get the nauseous/nauseated moment) and her mom feels her forehead, commenting she does feel warm and takes her to the bathroom. I swear, there's about four of five times in this movie that Hallie is sick of feigns sickness. I did laugh when Tony takes the cherry from her drink and eats it while they're gone. 

The next day Hallie heads out to see Santa in a red coat with black toggles (I swear, this girl wears about four different coats in this movie...I don't even own that many winter coats!) with white tights, white gloves (this outfit needed black or red glove), and I sh*t you not, a muff. Yes, a f*cking muff. Does this girl thinks she's Samantha Parkington circa 1904? Her mom and Nana have already gone out for the day and she tells Stella, one of the maids, that she's "got to go fix a problem." Stella sees she's dressed to go outside so you think she would be concerned who is taking this seven-year-old out to do her errand, but she does't seem to care. 

As she walks down the city streets, she greets passerbys with "Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah." She did this in an earlier scene when Ethan was walking her home from ballet class and explained to him, "My teacher says you should always say both things in New York because people are really sensitive." Why not just say "Happy Holidays". That way you're covering everything and it's fewer syllables.

Ethan is looking for Hallie and Stella tells him she went out ten minutes ago to "fix a mistake." He knows what that means and starts running towards Macy's. By the time he gets there, Hallie has already visited with Santa again. Like the first time, we don't hear the actual conversation. Santa reminds her "it's awfully late in the season for such a big order"...which is pretty much what he told her the first time.

Ethan is firm with his young sister and tells her she cannot go off alone in the city. Of course he's right, but Hallie starts turning on the waterworks and whines, "I had to see him! This is special! Not all moms and dads should get back together, but ours should...I just had to see him, I just had to." I just love the entitlement. There's no way Ethan is buying this, but he consoles her with a hug, pretty much telling her what she did was okay because she was doing it for their parents. Ugh, this movie. 

Now we get to the part of the movie where Ethan and Hallie (well, probably mainly Ethan) have devised a plan to get their parents back together. Ethan tells Stephanie his idea and that's how she becomes involved (but she's really not needed). He admits it might not get them back together so he hopes that at the very least he can get them to spend Christmas Eve together. 

The audience will learn the parts of the plan as the movie proceeds. I have to say, this so-called plan seems a bit convoluted at times and needs to have everything timed just right. 

Step 1 involves the O'Fallon siblings buying a bunch of little white mice at a pet shop. When I first watched this, I was confused by what they were going to do with all these mice, but then I realized that they had some pretty dark intentions for these mice. Now these mice are the kind you buy to feeds snakes, but that's all part of the circle of life. No, what these kids had in mind (at least Ethan, maybe little Hallie didn't exactly realize what all this meant) was to release these mice (there was about a dozen of them) in their Nana's home. They needed their mom out of the house and if they needed to exterminate the house, nobody would be able to stay overnight. It's a little messed up these kids bought mice just to have them exterminated! I think even the movie realized that was pretty dark, so when they release the mice and try to shoo them into a room where their mom and Nana are talking to a wedding planner (already?), they end up going outside when Stella opens the door. Not only does Stella not even see any of these mice that are scurrying around her feet, but she is lucky not to accidentally step on one of them. The mice scurry outside and the siblings follow them, but are unable to catch them. Now these mice will probably freeze to death, but at least now they have more of a chance than just being exterminated.  

There was one particular mouse that Hallie took a liking to, claiming he was "the cutest" (they literally all look the same) and named him Snowball. Snowball was the only one to make it to the living room and without anyone noticing him, he gets up on the coffee table and gets on a dessert plate where a piece of the guest's cake is. The guest picks up the plate, not noticing the extra weight of having a mouse on it. Still talking to the other ladies, she takes her fork and presses the back of the tines on the mouse. There is no reaction. I'm sorry, but if you pressed the back of your fork against a mouse, you would KNOW that something isn't right. It's only when she sees the mouse, she starts screaming and this causes Lillian to call the exterminators. She calls the Carlyle Hotel for her and the maids to stay. Because it is Christmas Eve, there are no rooms available, but because she is THE Lillians Brooks, she is able to snag a suite for over night.

Catherine has a date with Tony that night (they're going to a party) and decides she'll get ready for it at Susan's place (remember, she's the mother of Stephanie). After she calls her, we get a stupid scene where Stephanie is in the kitchen, overhearing her mom's conversation. Her mom (who's in a different room), tells her, "Catherine has mice." She says, "Oh, really?", then in an overly exaggerated move, she pumps her arm and hisses "yes!" It's so cringey. 

Step 2 involves Ethan calling a tow truck company to tell them a black BMW (the car Tony drives) has been parked in front of his dad's diner for three days. The guy tells him he can be there in an hour. This is lucky for Ethan because if the guy could be there right away, the plan wouldn't work! 

Step 3 involves Ethan calling his friend Marshall, then asking him to call him back. When he does, Ethan makes this big show of running down the stairs and yelling, "It's for me, it's for me! At least I assume it is." Even if someone else answered the phone, his friend would have just asked for him. When he's done having his fake conversation, he asks his mom if he can spend the night at Marshall's house. What the hell? It's Christmas Eve. He's doing this because he needs a cover for not being at his dad's place. He just plans to hang out at the diner. His mom asks him why he doesn't want to spend Christmas Eve with his dada he makes up some stupid story about how it will be too sad. If I were her, I would tell him he's not interrupting somebody else's Christmas Eve. Tony (who's shown up at the house to pick up Catherine) is the one to convince Catherine to let her kids do what they want after she suggests that they just skip the party and they (her and Tony) can take the kids out. Hallie feigns a cough so they quickly put the kibosh on that. So I had assumed Tony was there to pick up Catherine, but then Ethan suggests that Tony can drop him off at Marshalls and Catherine says if he does that, she can go over to Susan's and change. I'm so confused. Are her clothes at her house? Is she going to be driving her own car to Susan's? We'll soon find out that Tony won't be dropping her off there. Tony also adds that he can take Hallie's to her dad's. I did laugh when Tony says, "This is working out perfectly" and Ethan adds, "So far" because he knows what's in store for Tony. 

Somehow, Hallie was able to retrieve Snowball after the little critter caused a panic at her Nana's. She brings him along in the car and asks Tony if he would like to meet Snowball, "a friend of [hers]." Tony assumes she's talking about an imaginary friend and asks if she's the only one who can see Snowball, but she tells him, "Oh, no, you can see him too. Here." Then she shoves him right in Tony's face. Even though Tony doesn't love having the mouse right up in his face, he does take it pretty well. He doesn't smack the mouse out of Halie's hand or anything. After Hallie is satisfied when he says hello to Snowball and tells the mouse that he loves him, Hallie puts the critter back in her pocket. This scene is only here so Tony knows about Snowball because the kids have a plan.

When they get to their dad's, Ethan tells Tony he can take Hallie up to the loft which takes us to Step 4 which involves Hallie releasing Snowball. She will start shrieking and Tony will get out of the car to see what the commotion is all about. I thought Ethan was being a dick when he makes Hallie release the mouse. She has obviously become attached to Snowball and doesn't want to part with him. He tells her, "Look, Hallie, Snowball is a mouse. I know you love him, but he's a mouse." He adds that if she lets him go, he'll buy her "a million mice." Dude, that's not the point! Also, why does she even need to release it? I know they want to make it look real, but when Tony gets out of the car, he doesn't see Snowball anyway, so what was the point of releasing him? She could have just kept the mouse in her pocket. I don't fault Hallie for this because she's only seven, but seriously, Ethan didn't think of this? When Tony gets out of the car after Hallie is screaming, they tell him Snowball got loose and Ethan says it just went inside the back of a Ben and Jerry's ice cream truck (the door was open). I don't know how a mouse could climb up the back of the truck. The door is about three feet off the ground. Tony gets in the truck and the kids close the door and lock it. That's so f***ed up! To make it even more sadistic, the kids start laughing at him. The driver of the truck is nearly deaf and when he comes out, the kids distract him so he doesn't see (or hear) Tony banging on the back of the window. I find it a tad ridiculous that the driver didn't even hear him yelling or banging on the door later when he's driving. He's singing along loudly to a Christmas song, but you would think he would hear the vibration of Tony knocking. Tony will end up in New Jersey before he's able to make his way back. 

With Tony out of the way, Ethan tells Hallie to go upstairs and tell their dad that Tony dropped her off. After she heads on up, he sees the tow truck arrive to take away Tony's car. What perfect timing! 

Up at the loft, Hallie tells her dad that Ethan is at his friend's. Michael doesn't seem that concerned or hurt that his son doesn't want to spend Christmas Eve with him. Hallie has found a suit in her dad's closet and asks him to put it on. She says she'll put on a party dress and they "can pretend they're at a really nice restaurant on Pluto." (Pluto is her favorite planet; remember, this was 1991.) Michael agrees because he can't say no to her. 

Step 5 involves Hallie feigning sickness (once again). As Catherine is getting ready at Susan's house, she gets a call from Michael who tells her that Hallie "has been in the bathroom for half an hour." We see Hallie, in a dress, sitting on the toilet (lid closed just in case you were wondering!), reading a book. When her dad knocks on the door and asks how she's doing, she tells him, "Terrible." She gets up and takes a glass from the counter that she already filled with water and, while groaning, pours it down the toilet. Was that supposed to sound like she was throwing up? Because that is not the sound one makes when vomiting! You wretch when you throw up, you don't groan (maybe after the fact...okay, I'll stop talking about this). She asks him if "mommy" is coming and he confirms she is. We see a big smile on her face. 

Remember when Hallie asked her dad to wear a suit? Well, it's so he can look handsome when he answers the door to his ex who's wearing a sparkly red dress for the party she's supposed to attend with Tony. Michael is surprised when Catherine tells him that Tony isn't with her. They both comment about how attractive the other look. They both check on Hallie, now in her bedroom, pretending to be asleep. She actually opens her eyes a tiny bit at one point when she knows her parents aren't out of the room yet which is pretty ballsy on her part. And she does it in a way that's so obvious she wasn't sleeping; it's like, girl, you need to act like you're slowly waking up like you've been alseep for while.

Step 6 is Stephanie's turn to shine! I feel like this movie wanted to justify her having in this movie, telling us, See! She's important to the plot! They needed her for this part of the plan! But I would argue, no. Let me tell you what she did and then I'll explain why I still think she's super unnecessary. She calls Michael's number (obviously she got the number from Ethan) and asks for "Mrs. O'Fallon" and tells her she got a call for Mr. Boer. (That would be Tony.) I did laugh when she calls him "Mr. Bore" and Catherine corrects here. (Though they do sound very similar.) She tells her that he "had an emergency come up" and to still go to the Plaza. Is is me or would it have been better for Catherine not to get a message (albeit fake) from Tony. The fact that they're telling her he had an emergency, gives him some leeway. If they had just left it where he never called or anything, then that makes him even worse. Yes, this girl was really not needed. You know, in terms of dynamics, this movie reminds me of Hocus Pocus with the younger sister (played by Thora Birch in both movies), her older brother, and the brother's crush. At least in Hocus Pocus, the crush was established early and her role in the movie makes sense. In this movie, it just seems like they needed more scenes and that's why they added her and the movie would have been fine without her. 

Okay, wait, you guys. I may have spoken too quickly. I forgot that Catherine tells Stephanie that she's going to head back to her mom's place (Stephanie's mom's place, just so we're clear). This is not part of the plan! If it weren't for Stephanie coming over when the cab for Catherine arrives (I have no idea how far she lives away, but she seems to conveniently arrive a minute after the cab arrives) and pretending to be Catherine and telling the driver that something has come up and cancelling the cab, then Catherine wouldn't have a ride! She's totally useful, you guys! 

I should mention that during this whole time, since Hallie went up to their dad's loft, Ethan has just been hanging out outside the diner, which is closed and locked up. It's cold and snowy and he's all bundled up and trying to keep warm and whining about how their plan better work because he's outside freezing his ass off. (Okay, he didn't say that, but he was whining about how cold it was. Like in the museum, this was another instance where he was just talking to himself.) After Stephanie shows up and shoos the cab away, we get this really stupid scene where she asks if they can go inside the diner and he holds up a key. Barely a few minutes ago he was complaining about waiting in the cold and the whole time he had a key to go inside the diner? Are you flipping kidding me? What was with all the "Oh, poor me" brouhaha? 

Catherine has found out her taxi has bailed on her and starts to get a new one, but then Michael, looking out the window at the snow, starts reminiscing about the blizzard the happened when she was pregnant with Hallie. Or maybe it happened when she gave birth to her, I don't remember. Hallie is peering outside the door (if her parents turned around, they would have seen her obviously spying on them) making pitiful noises as her mother says she isn't sure if she'll stay. She starts whimpering, "Please, please, please", then, as if somehow hearing her daughters pleads, Catherine decides she's going to stay...but she'll sleep with Hallie in her room. 

Michael lends her one of his shirts to wear and when she gets into the bed with Hallie, her daughter, pretending to be asleep, slaps her arm across her mom. After she does this a couple more times, Catherine gets up and goes to the couch where her ex is now sleeping. She puts a blanket over him and curls up next to him and shares the blanket. The second she puts her head down, Hallie speaks out of her bedroom and across the room to the door where she closes it with a loud click. There is no way Catherine is already asleep. People don't fall asleep the second their heads hit the pillow. I think that's only happened to me once and it was after a really long day where I woke up early, drove a few hours with a friend to visit an amusement park in another state, then drove back the same day, so yeah, I was exhausted when I got home. Catherine definitely would have heard her daughter sneaking out. 

Hallie goes down to the diner where Ethan and Stephanie have been eating burgers and fries and tells her brother that her parents are sleeping on the same couch. Ethan is ecstatic and exclaims that "they did it", they got their parents back together, WTF? Just because their parents are sleeping on the same couch? I'm not gonna lie; I was rooting for the parents not to get back together because the kids are so damn entitled. I know, I know, I'm a total Grooge. (You like my portmanteau of Grinch and Scrooge? I couldn't decide which one I was being, so why not combine the two? Although Scrinch is good too.)

The kids have fallen asleep in the diner (after going outside and playing and shouting in the snow). They wake up when they hear their parents outside. They are worried because Hallie wasn't in her room and they had called Marshall to talk to Ethan and Marshall confessed everything, telling them Ethan never slept over and he was told to say that he did. Busted! Now you would think the parents would check the diner first because they're literally standing right outside it, but instead they hail a cab to take to the Nana's house.  

The kids realize they're in trouble and they head to Nana's house. Do you remember Olivia, the French pregnant maid that we're introduced to at the beginning of the movie and never hear from her again? We might seer her in the background, but she doesn't have any purpose to the plot. Well, Nana Lillian is back at her house on Christmas morning and while she's on the phone, Olivia goes into labor. Paramedics are called and so when the kids reach their house, they see an ambulance outside the house. Ethan thinks they're there for them (the kids), but why would they think they needed to call am ambulance for them? If the parents thought their kids were missing, they'd call the police. Or does he think something bad happened to one of his parents or Nana because they were freaked out about them missing? Also, we're given one line about Olivia having her baby, then that's it. There was absolutely no reason for this plot line. I think this movie was written in a week. 

When Catherine and Michael come running in the house, asking Lillian if she's seen the kids, I laughed at Lauren Bacall's face when she asks, "Are they missing?" I laughed because the expression on her face says, "That wouldn't be a terrible thing." I read this as being Lauren Bacall's reaction because she probably knows this movie is crap and how entitled those kids are and that it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Or maybe that's just me. 

The kids come home and there's a lot of hugging. Now Tony has arrived and storms into the house. I understand he's a little irked (that's an understatement!), but he goes about it all wrong. Instead of telling Catherine what devious act her kids did to him, he calls them brats and tells her once they're married, the kids will be shipped off to boarding school. THEN he tells her what they did. Of course, Catherine doesn't like what he's saying and basically tells him, No dice, Tony, we're not getting married. I want to know how he got his car back.

After he leaves, Ethan stands in front of the Christmas tree and gives a saccharine speech about how he didn't realize "how much I missed us." I will say the background is beautiful with the
Christmas tree and the snow falling outside the large windows. He explains how they put their plan in action. Catherine and Michael embrace and kiss and tell each other they're in love with the other.  I guess they're back together. Who didn't see that coming.

The movie ends with the Macy's Santa Claus (who we are to presume is the real Santa) arriving at their house. He has Snowball with him and returns him to Hallie. To be honest, I had totally forgotten about the mouse.

Ethan gets a peck on the cheek from Stephanie before she leaves with her mom (who had also arrived at Nana's house that morning). So is she moving to New York to live with her mom or are they gonna have a long distance relationship? Who knows? Who cares. 

Then the movie ends with the truly horrendous original theme song sung by Stephen Bishop (yeah, I don't know him either). We had heard it earlier in the movie when Ethan is at his dad's house, watching a video of his parents' wedding and other home videos. This song could join the song from the end of Teen Wolf and the song from the end of Splash in terms of their awfulness. I just need another awful song and then I'll have my Mount Rushmore of movie theme songs so schmaltzy, saccharine, sappy, and so-cheesy-you-can-practically-see the-Velveeta-dripping-off-of-them.

Let me share the lyrics so you can see what I'm talking about. I should add the melody of the song isn't even that catchy so this song has nothing going for it: 

"All I want is what I had back then

when time was my friend

and love didn't end. 

All I want is what I had with you

Is it too much to ask?

Can dreams still come true?

Don't look down on me

with compromise you can see the world from my point of view

it's all up to you.

All I want is the promise that you'll stay.

All I want is one more yesterday.

I don't mean to oversimplify,

but I cross my heard and hope to die

Seriously, what is this dreck? Truly awful.

Go watch The Parent Trap (Hayley or Lindsay) if you want a movie about kids getting their divorced parents back together. 

Light Fight

Deck the Halls

Director: John Whitesell

Cast: Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito, Kristin Davis, Kristin Chenoweth, Alia Shawkat

Released: November 22, 2006

More like Dreck the Halls, am I right? 

I had never seen this movie until a few days ago and if you asked me to tell you the plot of this movie before I saw it, I would have told you it's about neighbors who are battling over who has the better Christmas light display. Well, I would have been wrong! Because that's not what the plot of the movie is! Even though it would have made more sense than the actual plot! 

Steve Finch (Matthew Broderick) lives in the idyllic town of Cloverdale, Massachusetts with his wife, Kelly (Kristin Davis), fifteen-year-old daughter,  Madison (Alia Shawkat ("Maebe" they'll give her something to do in this movie; no, no they will not)), and ten-year-old son, Carter. Steve is an optometrist and his office is located on Main Street. He loves Christmas and follows an advent calendar which helps them with their Christmas schedule. He has a set schedule for Christmas. For instance, on the third, when he opens the door of the advent calendar, there's a wreath so that's when they put up the wreath. They use this calendar every year so he already knows what's behind each number, but what if something is really late in the Christmas season? For instance, I think stockings were on the 24th, so does that mean they hang up their stockings on Christmas Eve? This is dumb, I'm sorry. 

His wife tells him they shouldn't have everything so rigidly scheduled when it comes to Christmas and to basically just go with the flow, but he tells her that when he was a kid and his dad was in the Air Force, they moved from one base to another and they never had a Christmas tree and "Christmas was not a priority" for his dad. He wants to make sure he has family traditions for his children around the holidays they can look forward to. He's worried about his kids because his daughter doesn't have many friends and their son acts like he's having a midlife crisis. I did laugh when he says, "Let's face it, our kids are a little weird." 

We are introduced to the new neighbors, who, for some reason, are moving in across the street in the late evening. Why are they moving in so late? There's really no reason for them to do that. They could move in the next day. Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito) and his wife,Tia (Kristin Chenoweth), come over to introduce themselves the next day. Tia invites Kelly and her kids to come over, which they do. They're still unpacking stuff at the house and Carter sees a provocative painting of Tia and is staring at it, his mouth agape. Tia tells them she used to do some modeling, "mostly for art classes at the community college" and that's where she met Buddy. Kelly asks if he's an artist and Tia replies, "They caught him peeking through the windows." While I did laugh at that, that is dark and messed up! 

We are introduced to the Hall's twin girls who are both blonde and super tall (which is probably part of the joke since their parents are short) and act really ditzy and boy-crazy. Like a dope, Carter is staring at them and basically drooling. I loved how his sister was just looking at him with disgust because he's being so obvious about it. I don't even remember theirs names or if we were ever told their names. 

There's a vase sitting on a stool in the middle of the room and when one of the twins walks by it to ask Madison a question, she almost knocks it off, but Kelly catches it. Tia thanks her and says it's been in her family for years and that "it's worth more than this entire house put together." If it means that much to her and it's that expensive, why would she have it out in the middle of the room on a stool where anyone could walk by and accidentally knock it over. Now this (spoiler alert!) will be Chekhov's vase so I get they need to set it up, but I'm sorry, it still made me mad that she would treat a valuable piece like that. 

Buddy has started a new job at a car dealership. On his first day, three other sales guys point out an older gentleman inspecting a car and tell Buddy he should try to sell him a car. One guys bets him $1,000 he won't be able to sell him the car and the other guys get in on it, so for $3,000 Buddy is eager to show them what he can do. He goes outside and the other guys start snickering because the joke is that the man outside owns the dealership. From their perspective, we see Buddy talking to him, but we don't hear anything. He comes in about ten seconds later and tells them to put the money on his desk by the end of the day, then the owner comes in and dumfoundedly says he can't believe he just bought one of his cars. I guess this scene is here to show us Buddy can sell anything (though we never see him trying to sell anything else), but obviously they (the writers) couldn't think of how he would be able to sell the owner of the car dealership a car (at sticker price!) so they copped out and didn't show us. 

Tia is thrilled when Buddy tells her he sold a car on his first day because they can now pay off their "monumental debt." Obviously, Buddy doesn't care about this because we'll soon see him spending a lot of money on frivolous stuff. 

His daughters show him a website called "My Earth" which is basically Google Earth, but they must not have had the rights to use its name. On it, "you can see every house in the country from space." Every house, that is, except for their house. For some stupid reason, Buddy is really upset about that and when he sees a Christmas light while he's taking out the trash, he gets the idea to put lights on his house to brighten it. 

The first glimpse of a rival between Steve and Buddy happens when Buddy is putting lights on at three in the morning (why?) and Steve comes over to confront him about it and tells him how bright his house is. He must be using some really bright bulbs because at this point, his house is just outlined in white lights. Steve is gonna wish that's where Buddy stopped because it's about to get worse. Buddy checks My Earth, but he still can't see his house. 

The next day he goes to a hardware store and throws all the lights in his cart until it's full with boxes of lights. He empties the shelf and asks an employee if he can order more lights for him. In the backroom, he sees a horse-drawn sleigh which he buys. Now you think his wife would be outraged that he bought such an expensive (and unnecessary, like what are they going to do with that thing?) purchase, but she loves it! (Maybe Buddy got a good deal on it.) 

Meanwhile, across the street, the Finches are getting ready to take their annual Christmas card photo where they all wear the same Christmas sweater and get their picture taken in front of the fireplace. Carter looks outside and exclaims, "The new neighbors have reindeer!" I thought we were gonna see reindeer, but they're just horses with fake antlers duct-taped to their heads. Is this kid a bit dumb? 

Steve tries to herd his family back to the house to take their photo, but Tia suggests they take it on the sleigh and Kelly loves the idea. I have to admit, I think it's a really good idea and would make for a really cool Christmas photo. Carter gets in the sleigh and Buddy tells them, "We should keep our voices down a little because I found these horses on the outskirts of town and they look a little skittish to me." I'm a little confused how he rounded up these horses. You would think he was borrowing them from a stable, but he makes it sound like they're random wild horses. How would you even be able to round up wild horses? This is so dumb. Steve is (rightly) freaked out by what Buddy just said and tells his son to get out. Somehow the kid gets off the sleigh, but Steve is now in it and the horses take off. The horses take Steve into the streets where the sleigh is crashing into parked cars and barely missing people on the sidewalks. The sleigh comes unattached from the horses and goes over a snowbank where it flies across a street and lands on a frozen lake after sliding and spinning around a few moments. When the sleigh was flying overhead, a kid in a car sees it and exclaims, "Santa! He's real! I knew it!" Oh, I should mention that Buddy had put a Santa coat and hat on Steve so he was wearing that. The ice breaks and he and the sleigh go underwater, but luckily his family and the Halls must have followed him there because the next scene has him in the back of a car. He's naked, in a sleeping bag, next to Buddy who tells him they're onto way to the hospital and they had to strip him so he wouldn't freeze. The camera pans out to reveal that Buddy is also naked in the sleeping bag. When Steve questions him about that, his reply is, "I had to get your body temperature up, so I stripped us both and down and zipped us into this sleeping bag." Hmmm, I don't think it works that way. The movie could have gone for many jokes, but instead Steve just starts screaming. Yes, whatever joke they would have come up with would have probably been really stupid, but it's better than just the punchline being a scream. 

When he's back home, he's complaining to his wife who says, "The doctor says he probably saved your life." Steve replies, "Which is only fair since he's the one that almost got me killed in the first place." I mean, he's not lying. Do you think Buddy got his money back for the sleigh? Did he get sleigh insurance? Why isn't his wife angry that he spent so much money on something that they don't have anymore? This movie is so stupid. 

We're now seeing more lights on the Hall home and people are driving by to look at it.

Much to Steve's chagrin, Kelly has invited the neighbors to join them to pick out a Christmas tree. We don't see it, but I'm assuming the advent calendar has a Christmas tree on this particular day. The Finch's have their own private Christmas tree lot with about five or six trees, each one taller than the next. Is this a thing? Do people grow their Christmas tree several years in advance? Steve tells the Halls he has the next five years of trees all lined up. He has brought an axe and promised his son he could chop down a tree. (I dunno, chopping down a tree does NOT look like fun to me! It looks like a lot of hard work!) 

Buddy has brought a chainsaw and before he and his family go out to find a tree, he says, "Last ones to the cars are losers." This stupid comment makes Steve become competitive and he wants to chop down the tree himself so they can get it faster. (Um, I've never used an axe or a chainsaw, but I'm betting the chainsaw gets the job done quicker!) 

We see Buddy turn around and knock over a can of gasoline with the tip of the chainsaw. I was confused why there was a random can of gasoline just sitting in the snow, but I guess you need gasoline for chainsaws...which I had no idea. The thing is, we never see him putting it in the chainsaw or mention it or anything. It's just sitting there. I don't think he knocked it over on purpose because the movie would definitely let us know by showing him being devious and really obvious about him wanting to sabotage Steve's Christmas tree lot. 

The gas pours out in a puddle around the tree Steve has started chopping down. It's a good thing his son isn't chopping it down because a burst of flames goes up and swallows the tree in seconds. And if it isn't bad enough their tree for this year goes up in literal flames, so do all the other trees lined up behind it. Of course Steve is livid (yeah, I would be too, that's gotta be expensive having your own private Christmas tree lot) and why the hell would someone just leave an unopened can of gasoline around flammable trees? 

Even though Buddy offered to cut him down a tree, he refused because their family always gets a silver noble tree. The only one left was probably about three feet tall. It would be a great tree for an apartment or somewhere small, but looks pretty dinky in their living room. There were plenty of high quality trees at this lot, he couldn't just get another type of tree? They're all in the pine family. I'm surprised his kids aren't whining about it, but they probably know it's a loss cause since their dad is so set in his ways for Christmas. 

Buddy wants to work on a sequencer (I think that's the right word) so he can have the lights set to music. The next day, while he's at work, Steve sees Buddy buying more lights. (I would love to know how much all these lights are costing!) He goes over to talk to him and some guy stop them, asking what he thinks of the tree in the town center. Steve thinks he's talking to him and starts to speak, but the guy says he was talking to Buddy because "he is the expert." This doesn't make Steve happy. After Buddy is done talking and praising the tree (and basically offering obvious things about it such as the ornaments are nicely placed), Steve tells him he's the Christmas expert. Apparently this town also has a Fourth of July expert and another holiday with an expert that I can't remember. He tells Buddy he can have Halloween. I'm sorry, but this is the stupidest thing. Why is he an "expert" at Christmas? He just seems to be an expert at wanting to make sure his family Christmas is the same every year with their scheduled events. 

It's now December 15th and the advent calendar shows carolers so that must means it's time to go caroling! Some people have come over to the Finch's to go caroling with Steve, which is obviously a tradition they always do. This was a funny scene because while he's trying to harmonize with his carolers in his yard, across the street, Buddy's lights are on full force and a Christmas rap song starts blaring. Everyone in Steve's caroling group keeps looking behind them and it's clear they have no intention of caroling and want to go over and join the festivities going on at the Halls'. There's even a local news reporter from channel 8 to interview Buddy about the lights. He says he's gonna put out more lights (WHY??) and he's not gonna stop until he has "the biggest and brightest light display in the world" and adds that he wants his house to be "seen from outer space." What is with this weird obsession with wanting his house to be seen from space? Yes, it's been stated that he doesn't like being invisible, but I never get the sense that he's invisible...everyone in town seems to love him and his Christmas lights and his Christmas "expertise". It's just so stupid! Ha, I was listening to the podcast episode that How Did This Get Made? did about this movie and they were arguing (in a joking way) over who was the protagonist of this movie because both of them suck! 

Steve is trying to get out of his driveway, but a trailer and another large vehicle are parked in front of it with very little room for his car to get through. Some guy (who's been drinking) tells him he'll guide him out. Well, he gets distracted by the lights and Steve's car ends up getting scraped by a hook on the back of the trailer. (Even if the guy wasn't drunk and/or distracted, there's no way he would have successfully guided Steve's car between that small space!) The door on the other side gets caught up on something and the guy just tells Steve just to floor it and he does and when he gets out on the street, both front doors of his car are gone. I admit, I did laugh at that. 

Once everyone is gone, Tia tells her husband the thing we're all thinking: "It's the stupidest thing", referring to Buddy wanting their house to be seen from space. I honestly don't know why Tia hasn't set her foot down on all the money Buddy is spending on frivolous things. But she still doesn't say anything. There is now a "live manger scene" in their front yard complete with a cow, donkey, and camel. (And he'll hire actors when he's performing for the neighbors.) How much is all this costing? Do the animals stay there all the time or are they just there when he puts on a show? If they're there all the time, how is he affording to feed and take care of them? (We only see them when they're needed for the plot.) Also, something tells me a camel cannot survive in the Massachusetts winter! 

The camel makes its big appearance (camel cameo?) the night Steve decides he's going to dress all in black and sneak over to cut the power. He uses his son as a lookout. Before he gets to the fuse box, Buddy comes outside and looks around (I guess he heard a noise) and to hide himself, Steve dives into the penned-in area where the animals are being kept. This results in the camel spitting some bright atomic yellow stuff on him. 

He ends up stuffing a snowball in the fuse box and the light go out. This satisfies Steve greatly. Right away, I knew the lights were going to come back on shortly with the help of a generator. And I was right. Buddy knows it was Steve who sabotaged his lights and decides to get back at him.

At first, Steve thinks Buddy is offering an olive branch because he wakes up to find a new (and tall!) Christmas tree in his living room with an apology letter. Um, when did Buddy put that up? Did he comes over to their house in the middle of the night? This movie leaves so many unanswered questions. Not only is there a new tree, but also a new car in the driveway. When Buddy sees Steve and Kelly fawning over it,  he comes over to tell them the car is theirs for what he's put them through. 

The first sign that Buddy is up to no good is when Steve drives to work and sees someone has cut down the tree in the town center, leaving only the stump. Surely Steve, being Mr. Christmas and all, would recognize the ornaments on the tree. I think deep down he knows it's the same tree, but is telling himself it's not. The second sign that Buddy is up to no good is when Steve arrives at work and his assistant hands him some papers from the car dealership and says, "They say you have to pay for the car by lunchtime or you're going to be arrested." Guess he wasn't gifted a car after all! 

Meanwhile, at his job, Buddy is told that while he's a great car salesman, his numbers are down because he's never around (because he's buying all those stupid lights!). Buddy goes into some spiel about how the Christmas lights are more important than his job because he's always quitting things, but he needs "to finish this." (And apparently it won't be finished until aliens can see his house or something stupid like that!) He is told that he won't have a job to come back to when he's done with the lights. 

Steve shows up with the paperwork and confronts Buddy about it who tells him, "I'm guessing that's the bill to the new car you bought." He tells Steve the car is his (Steve's) because he signed a contact. This enrages Steve because of course never signed anything and Buddy admits he was the one who forged Steve's signature. Uh, that seems like a major felony! There's this whole stupid subplot where the chief of police wears women's underwear so this makes Steve wary of calling the police for help, so you know he's not getting the police involved in this. Instead, he tells Buddy he's going to call his attorney. At least that's something, but Buddy talks him out of it and brings up Winterfest and the speed skating race where they can compete against each other. Steve likes this idea and lays down the rules: "You win, I buy the car. I win you take down the lights." This seems a bit one-sided. One guy has to buy a very expensive SUV and the other guy just has to take down some lights? WTF is this? Why is Steve agreeing to this? And he was the one who made the rules! Dumb idiot! 

The Winterfest has arrived. It's Christmas carnival their town hosts every year that has "a show, games, ice sculptures, and [speed skating] races." 

The Christmas show includes a "sexy" one where three young girls in red fur-trimmed dresses and Santa hats are dancing to "Santa Baby". They pretty much ripped off that scene from Mean Girls. You can't see the faces of the girls because they start the dancing by facing away from the audience, but right away I knew it was Madison and the twins. We've seen them become friends throughout the movie. Buddy and Steve start acting gross and start hooting and hollering at the girls. Yes, maybe they don't realize those are their daughters (how would they not know that they're in a show at the Winterfest? Major pothole there), but they're still oogling very young girls with their wives somewhere nearby! Steve even yells out, "Who's your Daddy?" which is very uncharacteristic  for him. There is no way this rigid character who has a schedule for everything would ever yell that (especially in public!). Obviously, they do it for the stupid joke (because he is her daddy, har, har, movie), but it's so OOC for him. Like, maybe I could see Buddy doing that (after all he was a peeping Tom at his future wife's art class!), but not Steve. If I were Madison, I would never speak to my dad again for being a gross dirty old perverted man. 

Steve and Buddy are freaked out by what they've just done and we see them wiping their eyes out with holy water at a church. This church has a P.A. system which alerts them the speed skating race will be held in five minutes. There's really nothing to say about this race except that there's a lot of people falling and tripping and Buddy ends up winning which means Steve will have to pay up. So stupid of him to agree to have this race! Steve goes low by telling Buddy the last time he looked at the My Earth website, he couldn't see Buddy's house (Whoooooooooooo cares?) and asks him, "How's it feel to be invisible?" This hurt Buddy's feelings. So your house can't be seen from freakin' space! As my mom would say, Buck up! 

Buddy has gone completely off his rocker because in the next scene we see him at home talking on the phone, asking how much a bunch of LED lights he wants to order would cost with the shipping. We don't hear the price, but it's obvious exorbitant. I did laugh when he asks if that price is in yen. We see him looking at his wife's priceless vase and puts in the order.

In the next scene, Tia has discovered the stand holding her vase is empty and asks Buddy about it. (Is this the same day? How did he sell it so quickly?) When she asks him if he pawned her grandmother's vase, he asks her, "How am I supposed to afford a camel on a car salesman salary?" Why is this now about the camel? I thought he was buying lights with the money from his wife's vase. He adds he couldn't get a loan because he lost his job and that's how she finds out he doesn't have a job anymore. Those Christmas lights/Christmas display seem to be more important to him than his wife or kids of having a job. 

But Buddy doesn't seem to care about any of this and puts on a big show with his lights and music for a big crowd, including the local news. There are even images of himself on the roof. He must have filmed himself, then projected himself. I would love to know how long it took to coordinate all of this. It's actually pretty impressive what he did, surely there's a profession for him in Christmas light and music sequencing or whatever you would call it. While the show is going on, his wife and daughters get in the car and leave. He half-assedly yells after them not to leave, but what's more important is that after the show is over, he tells the audience, "The show is gonna be repeated every night, on a loop, until 4 a.m." I'm pretty sure this is called disturbing the peace and is illegal to be playing music that loud (because it is blaring). 

Steve has had enough and his solution is to buy some firecrackers. Now we had heard earlier there was a "Fourth of July guy" in this town and you would think that's the guy he buys it from, but it's never mentioned it's the same guy! He gets on his roof and shoots some fireworks off towards Buddy's house. He will later learn this was all for nothing because Buddy was at the motel his family was staying at, throwing pebbles at the window to get their attention. But even worse, a large firework ends up going down Steve's house's chimney and ricochets around his house before hitting the tree, setting it on fire. His wife is up at this point and sees the whole thing (and the firework nearly misses her). You would think she would grab the kids and leave, but no, this doesn't happen until the next morning. They go to stay with Tia and the twins. 

Steve is sad and Buddy is sad. Boo hoo hoo, maybe they shouldn't have acted like total idiots.

At that motel, Carter looks out the window and tells everyone else to come see something. It's a path lit with Christmas lights and lined with plastic candy canes, Santas, stars, snowmen, etc. They follow it to see where it leads and it's right back to the Halls' house. (I'm guessing the motel wasn't too far away from their house.) All the lights and Christmas decorations are Buddy's as we saw him taking all of it down because it wasn't worth having up anymore since it took away from his family. 

Buddy and Steve have a meal waiting for their families and you would think this would be the end of the movie: the wives and kids have forgiven their husband/dads, Buddy has gotten Tia's vase back (and telling her they won't be using their credit cards for a long time), but nooooo, it's not! 

Okay, I have to be honest with you: I had a few more paragraphs of this review which I had written, but for some reason, when I was putting in photos, I somehow erased the end of this review! Usually, I can get it back, but it won't let me get back and I'm so irritated right now! All that typing for nothing! I don't want to write all of it again! So I'll just write a very condensed version because who cares, right? F this movie!!! Ugh, I'm so mad! 

So basically Steve had called everyone in town to bring their own lights and help put lights on Buddy's house (like they don't have their own plans for Christmas because it's either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day). The lights so on for ten seconds before they go out again. Tia starts singing "O Holy Night" and everyone joins in. (Might as well make use of having Kristin Chenoweth in your cast.) In a very Christmas Vacation move, Carter sees the plug isn't all the way in and fixes it and the lights go on. And the most important part is that Buddy's house can be seen from space. I'm so glad we have our priorities straight!