Amaze, amaze, amaze!

Project Hail Mary

Directors: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller

Cast: Ryan Gosling, Sandra Huller, Lionel Boyce, Ken Leung, Milana Vayntrub

Released: March 20, 2026

Before I saw this movie, I read the book. Actually, I listened to the audiobook which I really enjoyed. I became quite immersed with the story. The movie is just shy of almost three hours while the audiobook is 16 hours! I highly recommend it if you saw the movie and liked it. As you can imagine, the book goes a tad more in depth! For instance, they took out the guy from New Zealand and the whole Sahara Desert plot. For those of you who just watched the movie, you're probably asking, What guy from New Zealand, question? What's this about the Sahara Desert, question? Exactly. But I get it. I understand that not everything from the book can make it into the movie. I think for the most part they did a good job of adapting the novel into a movie. 

Project Hail Mary was written by Andy Weir, the same guy who wrote The Martian (and was made into a movie with Matt Damon). I also read the book (and I actually read the physical book - in fact, I own it).  No surprise, this is also a sci-fi story. 

There is a "streak of infrared light from the sun to Venus" called the Petrova line (named after a "radio telescope enthusiast named Irina Petrova" who noticed this two years ago). In this streak, there is a bunch of tiny little black dots called astrophage (ha! I was quite familiar with that word since it's mentioned A LOT in the book) that are essentially eating the sun and dimming it. It is bit of an issue because over the next thirty years, the earth could cool 10-15 degrees. This means crops will die, and people and animals will die of starvation. So, not great. 

The movie starts with our main character, Ryland Grace (Ryan Gosling - ha, both character and actor have the same initials!), waking up on a spacecraft from an induced comma. He sees there are two other astronauts - a Chinese man and a Russian woman, but they are both dead. They don't really go into much about why they were in a coma, but it's really interesting in the book. Basically they put the astronauts in a coma so they wouldn't go crazy and kill each other because they would be in a small enclosed space for about four years (UGH!). But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

He has no idea where he is until he looks out a big widow and sees outer space. He starts to have flashbacks and this is how he eventually puts the pieces together. He's a middle school science teacher and he remembers telling his class about how the sun is dying, but reassures his kids by telling them "the best minds in the world" are working on it. 

German Eva Stratt (Sandra Huller) with the Petrova Task Force comes to his classroom (after all the kids have left) and pulls out a journal titled "An Analysis of Water Based Assumptions and Recalibrations of Expectations for Evolutions Models" (yes, I paused the TV so I could jot all that down!) which Grace wrote. BIG YAWN. That sounds like something that could put you to sleep! There was one part of the thesis where he claims that water is not necessary for evolution. She asks him if he still believes this and he replies while "water is required for life on Earth, a completely different planet might have completely different conditions." A lot of his colleagues were skeptical over this and he was pretty much kicked out of the scientific academia circle after he called a the leading expert in the field "a staggering waste of carbon" which is so on brand for a biologist. This is why he now teaches middle school. 

He is hesitant when she tells him he needs to come with her. According to her, "Petrova line samples splashed down last night. I want you to tell me what they are, how they work." She has chosen him because of that scientific journal he wrote and he wrote it because he has a doctorate in molecular biology. But when she adds that the samples survived on the surface of the sun, that gets his attention. He meets Carl (Lionel Boyce) the bodyguard who escorts him into the SUV. 

He is driven to a lab where he's completely covered up in a hazmat suit. There is a big concrete wall with a window separating him in the lab from Stratt and a bunch of officials. She's communicating with him via a radio and reminds him to try not to rip his suit because the entire room is filled with argon. 

He can't seem to be able to see into the astrophage (since I listened to to the audiobook I'm not sure if this should be capitalized or not; I've seen it printed both ways online so I'm just gonna lowercase it) even though he's tried x-rays, microwaves, gamma rays, and visible light. We know it's a tedious process because all the officials except for Stratt are falling asleep. He finally discovers it's a tiny alien cell. He's very excited about this when he announces it to his audiences, but when he looks back at the cell, he's discovered it's died. But this is good because now they can find out what these little dots are made of. He takes the sample and see it's composed of carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen, so it's made almost entirely out of water. This disappoints him greatly. 

Stratt basically tells him, "Thanks, bye"; she has over 300 other biologists from around the world to help figure out what's going on with these dots, but he still wants to help, so she leaves him three of the tiny cells so he can continue to study them. 

He and Carl buy a bunch of supplies at a hardware store (with the government's money; I laughed when they also each got a pair of sunglasses and a bunch of candy; Grace's choice of candy appears to be Twizzlers). They're trying to figure out why the astrophage traveled to Venus. They build a large wooden crate where Ryland hangs a box inside that crate that is supposed to represent Venus. He even has it set "to emit the same infrared light frequency as Venus's C02 atmosphere." Carl dumbs it down for us non-scientific folks: "So if the dots move when you turn the lights on, that means they're looking for CO2." 

The atrosphage move off the slide when they begin the experiment. Ryland can't just go in the crate to retrieve them because they will escape if there is light. The only way to retrieve them is to move the crate into an enclosed room within the bigger room they're in which they cover the windows with foil that they duct tape to the walls. It's a good thing they bought a crapload of foil and duct tape! I guess they knew they would come in handy! When Ryland enters the dark room, he not only finds the three astrophage, but there is a fourth. He calls Stratt to tell he they figured out how astrophage breeds. 

He's taken by fighter jet to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean. Stratt asks him if he can do the astrophage reproduction at scale. She introduces him to a room full of scientists who are working on this issue. They have figured out that the C02 of Venus helps the astrophage breed and that's why they're going there. 

It turns out that Grace was flown to this top secret location because they need two million kilograms of astrophage. Stratt has to quickly grant him clearance to Project Hail Mary and she presents a slide show explaining what it is: "The sun is not the only star dying. There is a clear pattern of infection. Every star was infected by its neighbor except one." That is Tau Ceti, which is 11.9 light years away. Okay, when I saw how that was written out on the screen when I watched with the subtitles on, I was like, Ooohhh, that's how you spell it. For some reason, I was thinking it was Tau City, but I knew that couldn't be right. Anyway, it is uninfected despite being well within a cluster of infected stars. Nobody knows why this is so they built a ship to go there and find out. It was easy enough to build the ship (really, question?), but the energy required to power the ship is the problem, or at least, it was. This is where the two million kilograms of astrophage comes in. If they can make enough of it, they'll be able to reach Venus. Ryland isn't sure about this. The cells store a lot of energy and if they make a mistake, that much astrophage could vaporize California, to give an example. Stratt reminds him that is why they "live on a boat in the middle of the ocean" in case something like that happens. 

Grace reiterates, "So you wanna build a near-light speed spaceship, have it travel further than any human-made object has ever traveled, and visit a star just to 'see what's up?'", question.  Stratt confirms this and when Ryland asks what will happen once they get there, she says, "There won't be enough fuel for a round-trip so they send their findings back to Earth on probes." On the screen behind her, we see the "Beetles" prototype design. This is an Easter egg for those who read the book, though it should be spelled "Beatles." (Though to be fair, I never read the book, so maybe it was spelled "Beetles" :::shrug:::.)

When he learns that the astronauts are basically going on a suicide mission, he asks if there's any other possible solutions, but this is the only choice they have if they don't want the entire population to starve "and watch everything on this planet go extinct." 

In another flashback a little later, Stratt introduces the flight team to Grace. He meets the pilot, Commander Yao (Ken Leung); the engineer, Oleysa Illyukhina (Milana Vayntrub); and the scientist, Martin DuBois (Malachi Kirby); plus their back ups. Once the mission is completed, they will have the option to end their lives on their terms or "the alternative is a slow, miserable death by starvation." The Russian woman wants to do "lethal injection with heroin" and the Chinese pilot jokes, "I'll have what she's having." This is true that Illyukhina wants to die that way (she wants to experience "massive pleasure" before she dies), but Yao just wants to shoot himself in the head to end his life. I guess they wanted to lighten the morbid scene, so they just had him make the joke. Of course, neither of them will have to worry about that because they just never woke up from their comas which is probably the best way to go if you're going to die anyway, though it doesn't help if you're dying before you've completed your mission! You may be wondering why Grace only found the bodies of Yao and Illyukhina and why he himself was on the Hail Mary when he wasn't one of the astronauts prepared to go. Well, I'll get to that later. 

Aboard the spacecraft, there is a computerized voice dubbed Mary that is there to answer Ryland's questions. While this computer is still there in the book, Ryland figures out most of his questions himself, but I suppose this is to help move the film along. When he commands Mary to "call Earth" (lol), the AI informs him, "Current transmission time to Earth is 11 years, 10 months, 14 days, and six hours." That makes the Pony Express look like high speed internet! 

Okay from here on out, I will be spoiling the movie, so if you haven't seen the movie then and don't want to be spoiled, then don't read any further. 

Warning! Spoilers ahead! Warning! Spoilers ahead! Don't cry if you're spoiled because I warned you! 

Okay, I probably could have waited a few more paragraphs, but I wanted to touch on something. When I listened to the audiobook, I had NO idea there was an alien in it and when Grace sees the large alien spacecraft, I was thinking there's no way there's an alien...there must be some explanation. Well, I was wrong because there is indeed an alien! 

I watched the trailer for the movie after listening to the audiobook and for the first minute and thirty seconds of the two minute trailer, I was impressed that Rocky wasn't shown or mentioned. I think there is one little moment shown where Grace is meeting him for the first time, but if you're not familiar with the book, you wouldn't know what's going on. So I'm thinking, oh, I love that. They're keeping the alien out of the trailer. That's brilliant! Uh, yeah, no, that didn't happen. The last thirty seconds of the trailer is all about Rocky. Now they don't show him (maybe just like a claw), so at least they saved that for the movie. But there's a scene of Ryland recording a video and saying, "So I met an alien today..." and I'm thinking, Why are they spoiling this?!, question? Okay, yes, they're probably assuming most people who are planning to see the movie have read the book, but I bet there are a lot of people who never read the book who also saw the movie! In my opinion, they should have kept the alien out of the trailer! Or at least maybe hint at an alien and take out the "I met an alien today" line!  Okay, thank you for listening to my gripe about this! 

Once Grace approaches the Tau Ceti orbit, he sees a huge unidentified flying object that Mary refers to as "Blip A." We are only thirty-six minutes into the movie at this point. In the audiobook, it's about four hours in when he notices the odd spacecraft. It is gigantic in comparison to the spacecraft Grace is in. He's freaked out and wants to get away from the other spacecraft which can only be described as otherworldly. In the book, he's more curious about it. But in the film, he's desperate to get away from it. There is a bit of a comical scene where we see him zoom away, only for the other spacecraft just to follow him. An automated arm outside the spacecraft sends what looks like a bottle (except not made out of glass or plastic). Grace surmises it's either a message or a bomb. It hits his space vehicle and goes off into the void. The next one is moving a lot slower than the last one and he realizes it's because the aliens think he's dumb, haha. He has to put on an EVA suit and go on a space walk. I think this would be terrifying, especially if you've never done this before. 

The bottle is difficult to open because it's made out of Xenon (he has machines to tell him what is is) which is odd that a gas is a solid. Once he gets it open, inside is a model showing where the alien's planet is compared to where they are now (what, question? is Google Maps available in space, question?). Grace comments that this alien is "also a long way from home." In return, he adds Earth to the model to show where he's from and sends it back. 

Now we're ready for Ryland to meet Rocky. Well, he's unnamed at this point, but I enjoyed the alliteration of that sentence. 

One thing I appreciate about the movie was the visualation of Rocky. When I listened to his description in the audiobook, I had a hard time imagining him. He's described as looking like a spider about the size of a dog (specifically a Labrador) with a carapace. He's faceless and has five limbs that have three triangular "fingers" that look more like claws. He kinda sounded freaky to me! He got his name Rocky because his exterior looks like it's made out of rocks...which is how he looks in the movie. 

I also appreciate that Rocky was created as a puppet rather than CGI. He is voiced by James Ortiz who also operated the puppet. The voice is fine, but after listening to hours of Rocky's voice in the audiobook, that's what I was used to. When we first meet Rocky (in the audiobook and movie),
he communicates by "speaking" in musical notes. It almost sounded like an electric organ in the audiobook. (BTW, I would love to know how this is conveyed in the physical book.) Once Rocky is speaking English, in the audiobook, you can still hear the musical chords behind the words. It also has a robot-sounding quality to it, but this is probably to reflect that his words are being translated through a computer. Rocky's movie voice does have a computerized sound to it, but the background musical chimes are missing. It just wasn't the same, so it was a little jarring. To me, it just didn't sound like Rocky. This is not my Rocky! 

I'm still not exactly sure how Rocky's alien language was translated into English. I mean, it's not like Google translate has Eridian. It's a little more elaborated on in the book, but I'm still a little skeptical that Ryland could understand Rocky...but I get it. If the main character or the readers/listeners/viewers couldn't understand Rocky, then that would just be frustrating! All I'm saying that if, for some crazy ass reason, someone in real life met an alien, there's no way they'd be understanding the alien as well as Grace understands Rocky...but I digress...

When Grace becomes the first human being to come into contact with an alien, there is a cute moment where he finds that whatever pose he makes, the alien will mimic him. It's also really cute when the alien laughs; it sounds like a little chitter. 

Now there's a lot of things about Rocky that never gets addressed in the movie or are very quickly addressed while in the book we learn a lot about him and his his physiology and biology works and what his home is like. For instance, they never touch on that he's 291 (!!) Earth years old. When Grace asks Rocky what he misses most about home, he replies, "My mate" and says they've been together for 186 years, so I guess that's a clue that Eridians live a long time. Also, the reason I'm using Earth years is because Eridians use a whole different system, which makes sense. It's explained in the book. Grace also asks what Rocky's mate's name is and Rocky replies with a long musical note. 

For the most part, I was fine with how Rocky was portrayed in the movie, but there were a couple of qualms I had. The first one was that he didn't end all his questions he asked with the word "question." Every single question he asked in the book ended with a question, like "What do we do now, question?" or "What does that word mean, question?" (hehe, he asked what the word "jerk" meant after Ryland called him one...Ryland told him it didn't matter!) or "How long since last sleep, question?" You get the idea. In the movie, he looked to be on track to follow this tradition, but then he asked a question without saying "question" at the end, and then it happened a few more times. Now they would still pepper in him saying "question" at the end of his questions, but it wasn't consistent and it drove me crazy! That was one of the endearing little things Rocky did in the book and I do not approve that they took it out of the movie. 

Also, I feel like they made him just a taaaad more annoying than he is in the book and I wouldn't call him annoying in the book. There are times when Ryland gets a little irritated with him, but Rocky can dish it right back to him. In the movie, when Rocky moves in, he's asking a lot of questions (hence the reason they probably don't have him end each question with "question" because there's so many of them in a row it would probably annoy the audience...just a theory), but in the book he's a lot more smarter than he's portrayed in the movie (not that he's an idiot) and doesn't come off as the comic relief. Look, he's no where near Jar Jar Binks level, but I would trust book!Rocky before movie!Rocky. 

Grace quickly realizes that Rocky is having the same issue him. His sun in his orbit is also dying. Rocky recognizes astrophage when Grace shows it to him and says, "Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad." I don't know how many times he says "bad" exactly, but it should have just been three times. As it is pointed out in the book, he says a word three times in a row if he's trying to emphasize something.

Grace is keeping a video diary of his findings and this is for the benefit of the audience; this was not in the book since he told us everything in his head. There are some funny moments where he's complaining about his new roommate but has to speak very softly because Rocky has excellent hearing (very true fact from the book). He's whispering and Rocky can still hear him, ha! 

Oh, wait! There's another Rocky moment in the movie that didn't quite gel with the book. The film got it right that Eridians like to watch other Eridians sleep (he often asks Grace if he can watch him sleep), but they do not like anyone to see them eat as it is a private matter. In the book, when Grace asks if he can observe him eat (he let Rocky watch him eat), Rocky is very hesitant about this. In the movie, Rocky is watching Grace eat and he comments, "Grace look disgust when eat." The Rocky I know and love would never say that. In the book when he watched Ryland eat, he was intrigued. When Ryland (in the movie) asks how it looks when he (Rocky) eats, Rocky replies, "Beautiful" and when Ryland asks him to show him, he's fine with it. No, no, no! Rocky would never volunteer to eat in front of anyone and he would never refer to it as "Beautiful!" Quite the opposite! 

Rocky was the sole Eridian on his spacecraft because the other twenty-three that were with him all died of radiation. Grace comments in the video diary that Rocky's species doesn't know anything about radiation or relativity, which is true to the book, but goes way more in depth.

Ryland and Rocky come up with a plan to orbit the planet where astrophage breeds to collect a sample and figure out why it's not eating the Tau Ceti star. (I just looked up Tau Ceti and it appears to be a real star with its own Wikipedia page. I just scanned it because it looks really boring.) So they do that and decide to give this planet a name. They decide to name it after Rocky's mate, but Grace needs a word to translate it into something he can speak. When this happens in the book, I knew he was going to suggest Adrian and I've never even seen the Rocky movies, but even I know there's an Adrian. And, yes, this is exactly what happens and they name the planet Adrian. 

Once they collect the samples, they do some experiments. I did like Ryalnd's shirt which showed a picture of the periodic table and under it were the words "I wear this shirt periodically." I bet he's a fan of Breaking Bad, but really, who wouldn't be? The samples they found include life. Rocky gets excited and exclaims, "Life is reason!" He explains that "Life on Adrian makes astrophage die" and if they bring this predator home, their stars won't die. 

Now they have a new plan where they will get very close to the Adrian atmosphere and lower a collector that Rocky has assembled to, you guessed it, collect more samples to get this Adrian predator. Grace will have to go out on the hull to reel in the collector to reel it in, like he's fishing. If they're not at a precise angle and speed, they will die. That's not terrifying. Grace is able to collect what he needs during the mission, but once back inside the ship they hear a loud creaking noise and realize that the gravity is tearing the ship apart. Grace hits his head and passes out and Rocky risks his life by getting out of his makeshift bubble that's keeping him safe (you know because he and Grace are used to different atmospheres) and drags Grace to his bed where he's given medical treatments. Poor Rocky is on fire, but makes it back to his little pressurized ball. When Grace wakes up and sees a trail of black sludge, he realizes that Rocky got out to save him. He sees an unconscious Rocky and is happy when he wakes up a few days later (or however long it is.) I have to say this scene is way more emotional/scarier/crazier in the book. 

While Rocky is unconscious, Ryland creates the predator that he dubs taulmeaba. He tells a comatose Rocky that all they have to do now is "breed enough to survive the trip." It was really cute when he makes a bunch of get well cards and tapes them to Rocky's sphere.  

Okay, remember when I mentioned that Grace meets the three astronauts that will be on the mission, but one of them (DuBois) wasn't aboard the spacecraft, question? This is because he was killed a few days before the flight was to depart. When I saw a flashback scene of Ryland and Stratt standing outside with a large building in the background, I immediately knew which scene this was from the book. I knew the building was going to blow up because inside there were scientists (including DuBois) who were working "with a dangerous amount of astrophage." That is why there was no DuBois. And you may also be wondering why DuBois's replacement didn't replace him. It's because he was also killed in the same explosion. That seemed kind of dumb! But this is the reason why Grace was abroad. He is pretty much the only scientist available that knows what's going on with Project Hail Mary. He did not want to go, but was pretty much forced to go. He was scared of dying, but Stratt pointed out if he didn't go, he would die anyway, along with the rest of the planet. 

At one point, Ryland has to tell Rocky that he's not going to survive this trip. Rocky is upset by this, but Ryland tells him he's made peace with it. When Rocky discovers that Ryland will need two million kilograms of astrophage, he has plenty and is happy to give him some so he can make the trip home. Grace starts crying because he is so overwhelmed with happiness. When this happens in the book, Rocky ask him why his face is leaking (question?), but he never asks this in the movie! He also cried when he found out that Rocky was okay after being unconscious. 

Everything seems to be looking up. Both Ryland and Rocky will save their planets and Ryland will get to go home. It will be a loooong trip, but now he has the mileage (it's that the right word, question? Probably not) to get there. The journey will be four years, 2 months, and eleven days. And I thought the road trip I took from Omaha to Charleston about a decade ago that took about two full days was never ending! 

Ryland and Rocky say their tearful goodbyes (well, Rocky isn't crying because he physically can't) and Ryland even gets to visit Rocky's oddly shaped spacecraft (which is not a scene in the book) before they go their separate ways. So there's twenty minutes left in the movie and about this part in the audiobook, there was about an hour and a half left, so I knew they were going to rush/skip over a few things!

There's one last issue Grace has to deal with and this goes way more in depth and is a lot more stressful in the book! Like, when this was going on in the book, I was STRESSED OUT! But maybe because I knew everything would work out, I was less stressed out while watching the movie. Plus it all happens pretty quickly, so there was no time to stress! 

Grace hears a warning on the ship saying "contaminant detected." The taumoeba were able to get through the Xenonite which they were in. Luckily, he was able to stop them before they ate all the astrophage on the ship, which remember, are his ticket home. The issue is that he's worried about Rocky because Rocky's ship is made of Xenonite and the taumoeba will already be in his fuel line. He's going to be stranded without fuel and his life support systems will fail. As Ryland muses, "He's looking at a long, slow painful death alone." How do you say "Rocky is f***ed" in Eridian, question? 

Ryland must make a Sophie's choice: return to Earth or go and save Rocky. He only has enough fuel to choose one. Of course he saves his space buddy! I do think he made the right choice. Rocky is such a great character, you can't help but cheer for Ryland to save the alien. And of course Rocky is indepted to him and puts in a good word for him on his planet where Ryland will be a guest for the unforeseeable future. He's even pretty much fluent in Eridian by now! 

And yes, Earth is saved too He was able to send the taumoeba to fight off the astrophage and Earth will be spared, hurray! The one thing I don't like is that we see an older Stratt watching the videos Grace sent and he's talking about Rocky and showing footage of him. In the book, nobody ever found out about Rocky (because there was no video diary!) and I kind of liked it that way. 

I enjoyed the movie and I implore everyone who also liked it to check out the book, especially the audiobook. It is definitely worth the 16 hours.

This Stitch Has a Glitch

Lilo and Stitch  

Director: Dean Fleischer Camp

Cast: Maia Kealoha, Sydney Agudong, Zach Galifianakis, Billy Magnussen, Tia Carrere, Courtney B. Vance, Hannah Waddington, Chris Sanders

Released: May 23, 2025

Since I already reviewed the animated movie from 2002, I thought I would point out the differences in the live action movie and what worked and what didn't work. For the most part, the movie (like most live action Disney movies that are a take on their animated counterpart) follows the original almost exactly, with just a few tweaks. 

In my other review, I mentioned that Chris Sanders and Dean DuBlois, the directors of the original (and more superior) Lilo and Stitch also directed How To Train Your Dragon from 2010. Chris Sanders (remember, he's also the person who came up with the story for Lilo and Stitch) returns as the voice of Stitch. I bring this up because How To Train Your Dragon was also made into a live action movie that came out about a month after this one and that one was directed by Dean DuBlois. While I like the animated HTTYD better (than its live action counterpart), I think the live action HTTYD works better than the live action Lilo and Stitch. If neither of these movies existed in their animated forms (how sad!) and we only saw them in their live action forms, I could see a world where HTTYD could exist in live action without having an animated counterpart. But if you were to watch live action Lilo and Stitch without any context of the animated movie, it would just be odd. I was really invested in the story of these two orphaned sisters and how they would make ends meet, but when Stitch or the other aliens are on screen, it almost just takes me out of it. I think the 2002 movie works better because you can get away more with the absurdity of the story because it's an animation. When it's live action, you notice the absurdity a lot more and it doesn't fit within the world. If that makes sense.  

My TL;DR sentence: I think both Lilo and Stitch and How To Train Your Dragon work better as animated movies, but HTTYD also works as a live action movie while Lilo and Stitch just feels odd as a live action film. 

(Remember, I'm only comparing the two because both live action adaptions came out within a month of each other and the animated movies were directed by the same guys.)

Obviously, I need to compare and contrast the two titular characters. The gist of both of them is still the same: Lilo, an orphaned girl, befriends this strange "dog" she names Stitch. I know this may sound strange, but one of the things I noticed is that in the animated movie, Lilo and Stitch are the same height (Lilo is very short!). This is not the case in this movie; after all, it would be weird as hell if they made Stitch the same size as a six-year-old. (In the animated movie, I wasn't sure exactly how old Lilo was supposed to be, but in this movie, we get confirmation that she's six.) I feel this makes them almost seen as equals in the animated film while Stitch just feels like her pet (which, to be fair, is what he's supposed to be) in the newer movie. 

Lilo is played by newcomer Maia Kealoha and while she is very cute, she wasn't the best at acting. Look, the girl was probably only seven or eight when she filmed this so I wasn't expecting an Oscar-winning performance, but some of her lines sounded really stilted. I'm thinking in particular of the scene where she and Stitch are in this motorized child's vehicle  (which Stitch hijacked from some poor girl around Lilo's age) driving around the island (it's a Big Wheel in the animated movie!) and Lilo says, "Don't you love living on an island with no big cities? It's just miles and miles of water." The line reading just sounds so stiff; it's almost like they told her what to say right before the scene and she said it, but it came out like a line. Which, technically, it was, but the secret of acting is to make people believe you're not acting! In the animated movie, Lilo has a very similar line, only she says, "It's nice living on an island with no big cities." They probably should have just had live action Lilo (heh...Live Action Lilo...that sounds like a superhero name) say the exact same line and just try to capture Daveigh Chase's natural line reading. 

When Stitch lands on Earth, he comes across an outdoor wedding where "Uptown Funk" is playing and spotting a piece of cake on a table, Stitch uses a golf cart to transport himself there.

Uh...damn, I just realized I'm doing the same thing I did in my review of the originial movie where I refer to Stitch as "Stitch" before he's given the name. Just go with it. It's hard not to call him Stitch, you know?

Anyway, we get this ridiculous scene where the bride and groom are about to do a Dirty Dancing-type dance and before the bride leaps into the groom's arms, Stitch goes flying and ends up in his arms instead and of course the guys is freaked out. I think I would be too if this strange blue furry creature landed on me! Stitch starts running under the tables and people are screaming and freaked out (but not freaked out enough in my opinion! Like what do they think this odd creature is? Surely they know it's nothing of this world!). Someone is trying to smack him with a broom which made me chuckle. I did think it was insane that everyone at this HUGE wedding is looking for him and it seems to take awhile before someone finally notices that he's sitting in the punch bowl (EWWW) and then he jumps into the cake as the grand finale. If I were the bride, I would be PISSED! I will say the image of him having four pieces of cake in each of his hands is pretty funny.

We saw at least one person taking photos of him while he was being chased at the wedding. You would think this would go viral, but it never does. I don't really understand the point of this whole sequence (aside from the silly shenanigan) especially because Stitch will still get run over by a truck (in this case it's a trolley).

The live action movie introduces us to some new characters (and has subtracted at least one pretty big (no pun intended) character. I was okay with these new characters because they made sense in the context of the movie. The first is that Cobra Bubbles is not the social worker. Don't worry, he's still in the movie. Instead the social worker is a woman named Mrs. Kekoa and she's played by Tia Carrere, who was the original voice of Nani, Lilo's older sister. I love that they incorporated someone from the original movie into this one so I'm okay with the change and it was fun seeing the two Nanis interact. 

When Mrs. Kekoa (original Nani) visits the sisters for the first time, they do the similar scene in the 2002 movie where Nani (Sydney Agudong) asks the social worker to wait a minute (because Lilo has locked her out of the house) and she runs into the house (after pushing the back door so hard that the chain keeping it locked breaks) and the camera remains on the social workers as we hear some crashing and the record scratching and Lilo exclaiming, "Hey, don't touch that!" before the Elvis song stop playing. I appreciate that they try to replicate what they do in the animated movie, but it was just done so much better in the 2002 movie. It might have to do with the fact that it is probably easier to convey in an animated movie. 

Nani asks Mrs. Kekoa if she would like anything to drink and when she requests tea, Nani puts Capri Sun in a tea cup and microwaves it. Yuck! I did laugh when Mrs. Kekoa mentions the tea is "pretty sweet" and by the end of their meeting, she knows that it's just heated up Capri Sun. 

She tells Nani that things don't look good and that they "have a new director coming into town next week." When she mentioned that, I figured this must be Cobra Bubbles. She wants to come up with some goals with Nani for her and Lilo to achieve by then. These goals include cleaning the house (including laundry and stocking the fridge), paying all the bills, and filing for health insurance for both her and Lilo. Mrs. Kekoa wants Nani to get all these done by Friday. I'm not sure what day it is now, but I hope it's at least Monday to give her some time to get all this done. 

Another new character is the neighbor lady who almost acts like a grandmother figure to the two girls. At first I thought she was David's mom, but I don't think that's the case. She just seems to know David. But I was fine with this authority figure because that means at least the girls had one adult looking out for them. Although there are a few changes concerning her that irritated me. 

After her visit with Mrs. Kekoa, Nani is chatting with her neighbor and this is when we find out that Nani got accepted to her "dream school" which is UCSD which she wants to go there for marine biology? Uh, do they not have marine biology department at a Hawaiian school? It's Hawaii....I mean, you would think. Her neighbor encourages Nani to attend college, but Nani claims she can't go because she has to watch Lilo. Do these girls not have grandparents or aunts or uncles that can help out? I guess not. This was never really touched on in the animated movie either. It does seem pretty unfair for this eighteen-year-old girl to have to become her sister's mother as well....and we know that Lilo prefers her as a sister than a mom. 

In the animated movie, when Jumba and Pleakley are sent to Earth, they "disguise" themselves by wearing clothes and trying to hide their alien features (which doesn't exactly work), but because we're dealing with the (literal) real world in this movie, Jumba and Pleakley disguise themselves as humans. I'm okay with this change because while it was absurd and funny in the 2002 movie, it wouldn't work here. Even though we're dealing with a universe where aliens do exist, this movie does try to be as realistic as it can. However, the way they come by their disguises just baffled me.  

The two aliens are wearing trench coats and have scarfs and/or handkerchiefs wrapped around their faces, and are wearing big sunglasses and straw hats. They're walking down a busy tourist street with a "Federation-certified cloning device", looking for their prey. They're completely covered up,...except for their tails and Jumba's huge heavy elephant-thick legs. (Don't ask me how nobody noticed THAT!) They look absolutely ridiculous...there's no way they could keep up that disguise without looking suspicious. 

They find two guys (Zach Galifianakis and Billy Magnussen) walking towards them who "look like best friends just like us" according to Pleakley. He knocks over one of the guy's golf bags and helps him with it. He touches the human's arm with his green tentacle and the guys doesn't even seem to notice. Yeah, I call bs. This allows him to become cloned and Jumba does the same thing with the other guy. They have now become those humans...but what happened to the two guys? Are they just laying in the middle of the sidewalk? Did their bodies disappear? Have Pleakley and Jumba completely inhabited these humans? Yeah, they didn't really explain that very well. As far as I know, they just killed those two guys. It was amusing trying to watch them "walk" because they're not used to having human legs, though I would argue at least Pleakley had legs more similar to a human's while Jumba had these huge tree trunks for legs. I have to say, it does feel off Jumba not having a Russian accent, though if you think about it, aliens should not have any accent from this world, much less be able to speak English! When they check into the hotel, they're acting all weird, asking for a "hot tube" and when the receptionist asks where they're from they both reply "Earth" and Jumba adds, "We both grew up in Earth." Wait a sec...aren't you supposed to show some sort of identification (like a driver's license) when you're checking into a hotel? The way these two are acting, I'm surprised the receptionist wasn't a bit more suspicious. These two would have been red flags to me, but they just let it slide for the plot of the movie. 

Later, they see something on the news about a trolley that ran over an unusual creature and that it is recovering at the animal rescue. Video footage of Stitch taken at the wedding is shown, but I still think the whole wedding scene was unnecessary.  

The way Lilo acquires Stitch is a little bit different than the animated movie. She still gets him from the animal shelter, but it's her neighbor who takes her there while Nani is at work. They're actually at some outdoor market and the animal shelter is nearby and Lilo asks if she can look at the dogs. 

Before Lilo arrived, Stitch had escaped from his cage and went outside where he sees a sandwich in the garbage and when he goes to gobble it up, darts are shot at him. Jumba and Peakley had found him because he was wearing a tracking device on his collar. He uses the garbage lid to shield himself from the darts and goes back in through the front door where he walks on the ceiling while Lilo is talking to the girl at the front desk. 

It's the neighbor that allows Lilo to get her new blue "dog" after Lilo begs her. I can't believe she just bought a dog without Nani's permission. In the animated movie, it was Nani who took her to the animal shelter with the intention of getting her a dog. I'm not sure why they changed it. Obviously, when they get home, Nani is not happy about this new pet and I don't blame her one bit. An animal is a big responsibility and they already have enough to deal with. The neighbor tells her it was her idea to get Lilo the animal because "a pet might bring some joy." Okay, then maybe suggest that to Nani first, then let Nani take Lilo to the shelter to pick out a pet. 

Stitch being a lil sh*t #1

Lilo and her new pet are in the truck with Nani who's driving to work. (Another difference is that in the animated movie they walked everywhere while in this movie they have the convince of a car.) Stitch is just being an *$$h0le and going wild, messing around with the radio, honking the horn, taking out the CD (who still listens to CDs in cars? What is this? 2002?) and throwing it out the window where it hits the car behind them. Like, Stitch was annoying in the animated movie, but he's probably even more annoying in this one. He rips the fabric of the seat with his claw and Nani comments they'll have to stitch that up.

For some reason, this causes Lilo to scream bloody murder. Nani stops the car and asks, "What?", obviously concerned that something has happened. Lilo replies, "That's his name, Stitch!" Seriously, you screamed like you were getting murdered for that? Why? Anyway, I liked how Stitch got his name in the 2002 movie better. Lilo just straight up said "His name is Stitch" and that was it. Plus she didn't scream before she thought of it, so that's a plus. I don't know why they needed a reason for his name to be Stitch. Sometimes kids just think up a name for their pet as soon as they get them. 

When Nani starts the car, she almost hits the two aliens disguised as humans who are standing on a crosswalk. They know that Stitch knows he's safe as long as he's with Lilo because they can't be attacking him if he's near humans. Nani apologizes to them for almost hitting them and as she continues to drive, Jumba throws a tracking device which attaches itself underneath the car. (Stitch must have gotten rid of the collar with the tracking device earlier.) 

Stitch being a lil sh*t #2

While they're at the outdoor restaurant where Nani works at, Stitch continues to be super annoying. He goes over to this little kiosk that serves drinks and takes out a sprayer and shouts, "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!" before spraying Lilo with it and they get into a soda spraying fight. This is not in the animated movie and I have no doubt they wanted to add more obnoxious things for Stitch to do because the kids watching this movie would love it. 

During a fire twirling performance, Stitch decides to grab his own pair of fire sticks and starts twirling them. When he sees a security guard running towards him, he throws the sticks and one of them lands on a table and starts a fire. This is way worse than what happened in the animated movie. (He attacks Jumba and Pleakley who are not here.) The fire is put out, but Nani's boss gives her the death stare. Nani knows who did this and turns to give Lilo and Stitch the death stare of her own. 

Stitch continues to act like an @$$hole. He tries to high five Lilo, but even she knows the situation isn't good and refuses. 

Now we see Jumba and Pleakley show up just as the sisters are leaving. There is a funny scene of Jumba trying to drive a golf cart and he doesn't know how to start it because "there are no instruments." 

It's interesting that after animated Nani gets fired from her job, she doesn't blame it on Lilo, but when real girl Lilo makes a remark that Nani didn't even like that job, Nani snaps, "I don't want to hear it." (Though I certainly don't blame her for being pissed!) 

Stitch being a lil sh*t #3

I've already mentioned that they made Stitch way more annoying in this movie. Well, remember how bad he was the first time he's introduced to the house in the animated movie? He might be even worse during this scene in this movie. They try to give him a bath, but he ends up in the toilet, then goes to the kitchen and wipes his bum across the floor, ewww. He turns on the stove and he smacks Nani in the face (twice!) with the freezer door when he's holding on to the fridge handle and she's trying to grab him. Lilo pulls the "Ohana means family" guilt trip on her and that's how Stitch stays, but if I were Nani, I would tell Lilo, "F Ohana, we're taking this terror mutt back to the pound!" 

We do see Scrump (Lilo's ragdoll) when Lilo shows her to Stitch and tells him, "You can play with Scrump, but be nice." 

Okay, remember when Mrs. Kekoa told Nani that a new director was coming next week and I thought it would be Cobra Bubbles? Well, I was wrong. When we meet Special Agent Bubbles (Courtney B. Vance), he's in a field studying an odd vessel that crashed in a tree (clearly the spaceship Stitch crashed). He's with other agents and one of them tells him, "There's no sign of a pilot, no tracks, no trails." It turns out he bugged the home of the sisters (not sure when that happened) and when he heard a social worker would be coming to the house, he asked an agent for the social worker and remarked, "I'm going undercover." 

At the beach, during the surfing scene, Jumba and Peakley shoot darts at Stitch who falls into the water. He keeps scrambling on top of Lilo's head making her sink so he won't. While all this is going on, Cobra is on the beach and sees that he's not the only one after Stitch. 

Once Lilo gets back to shore, there is a big difference where Nani tells someone to call an ambulance after Lilo spits out some water. I'm not really 100% sure about water safety, but I feel like she's probably okay and the ambulance wasn't needed? Maybe? IDK? I mean, she spit out the water and is breathing okay. 

Looks like I'm right because at the hospital, the doctor pretty much tells Nani that Lilo's going to be okay. Stitch is there too, sitting on David's lap and I'm thinking, They're allowed to bring this animal in the hospital when the doctor asks, "Is that a-" and David says, "It's a service animal." Service animal, my ass! When the doctor mentions she can go up front where they can run her insurance, Nani has a look of horror on her face because there is no insurance. Again, why did you call the ambulance and bring her to the hospital when she was breathing on her own two seconds after getting pulled from the water? 

She must have called Mrs. Kekoa because in the next scene we see her sitting with Nani in the hospital hall, outside of Lilo's room. She tells her, "There's a way that the state will pay for all of this, but it means you have to official relinquish guardianship of Lilo." When Lilo is released from the hospital, Nani tells her they're going to "have to make some changes." 

There's a sweet moment where Lilo and Nani are cuddled on the hammock together singing a song while Nani strums a ukulele and Nani tells her, "I want you to know, whatever happens, I love you so much much."  While this is going on, Stitch leaves and ends up back at the animal shelter. 

The Ugly Duckling storyline is not in this movie which felt a little jarring since in the original film he feels lost like the duck and it was a great analogy. Instead, Lilo shows him a photo book of her family when her parents were alive. I mention this because in the animated film Lilo tells Stitch can go if he wants and he grabs the book before leaving.

The next morning, Mrs. Kekoa and Mr. Bubbles have come to get Lilo, but when Nani goes in her room, she isn't there. Instead, she is outside looking for Stitch. It's interesting that in the animated movie she gives permission for Stitch to go, so there's a big difference there. 

Like the 2002 movie, the Councilwoman checks in with Pleakley and Jumba from time to time. She is not happy that 626 hasn't been captured yet and basically gives Agent Pleakley the go ahead to arrest Jumba and bring him back to Turo, but Jumba has other plans. I mentioned earlier a pretty major character is missing and that is Gantu the humongous elephant/shark-like alien. Instead, they make Jumba the Big Bad of the movie. I don't love this change, but I do understand why they did it. When Lilo eventually finds Stitch at the animal shelter where he's back in his cage and after a heartfelt conversation, Jumba enters and chases them to Lilo's house. 

During the house raid, in front of Lilo, Jumba tells Stitch the only reason he manipulated  Lilo into choosing him at the animal shelter was for his own protection and if does care about Lilo, then he'll leave her here. Stitch surrenders and lets Jumba put the tracking collar on him and follows him to his spaceship. I should also mention that Jumba is now in his alien form during all this. 

We're about an hour and ten minutes into the movie at this point and I can't help but notice that Stitch knows quite a bit of English...more than he did in the animated movie. I don't remember him speaking in full sentences; I just remembered him maybe uttering a word or two in English to make his point so the humans could understand him, but here it seems like he's just having full blown conversations. 

So now we're to the part where the house has collapsed and Nani, David, Cobra, and the neighbor lady find the debris. Pleakley appears from a pile of rubble and tells them Lilo's not there, that she's on the space ship. That's another slight difference, In the 2002 movie, Gantu captured Lilo and Stitch and put them in the capsule attached to his space craft. Here, Jumba's only interested in Stitch and Lilo sneaks on the space ship. I don't remember how Pleakley knows this...I guess he saw her? 

This whole scene in the animated movie is pretty insane with Stitch trying to save Lilo and crashing and hijacking a semi truck and driving it into a volcano....the 2025 movie doesn't do any of that...probably because it's insane and would be a bitch to do all that. That said, it's still pretty crazy, just not crashing into a volcano crazy. 

Just before Jumba is about to put an end to Stitch, Lilo crawls out from her hiding space and distracts him long enough for Stitch to escape from his constraints. Lilo is way too laid back for the situation she's put herself into. She's not scared at all. She's calling Jumba names like Pizza Face and making cracks about him having a disco ball in his space ship. (What was that all about anyway?) Maybe she feels confident because she has Stitch on her side, but she doesn't seem to realize what she's gotten herself into. 

Jumba falls out of the ship and the vessel crashes into the ocean. Lilo is stuck under some wreckage and Stitch is able to lift it up (remember, he's super strong) so she can escape. She tries to save Stitch, but he's too heavy. I think one thing this movie does better than the animated movie is remind us that Stitch becomes super heavy when he gets wet because his molecular density is too great. In the animated movie, it's easy to forget about that because it's only mentioned once in the beginning and when David rescues him after the surfing incident, he doesn't seem to have any issue. Of course, in this movie, live action David does the same and doesn't seem to have any issues so David must have some super strength for a skinny guy. 

Nani puts Lilo on David's surfboard and Lilo begs her to save Stitch and reminds her about Ohana and asks, "What about nobody gets left behind?" They're probably about a half mile (or maybe closer to shore). Nani dives down and scoops up Stitch and walks across the ocean floor holding him like he's an anvil. This reminded me of that one Survivor challenge (don't ask me what season, but probably one in the late teens or early twenties) where the players had to dive down to the ocean floor and carry a heavy chest to the shore...of course they would come up with air and dive down again while Nani seems to do this in one go. I'm impressed she can hold her breath for that long. I'm also a little  skeptical she was able to do that. 

She makes it to the beach and they try to revive him, but it doesn't look like he's going to make it and there's sad music and everyone's sad. Like, who are we kidding here? It's f***ing Lilo and Stitch. We know he doesn't die in the original (spoiler alert!) so we know he'll make it. This felt a little like emotional manipulation.

Then the Councilwoman arrives to take 626 and we're back in sync with the 2002 movie, the only difference here is that they take out Stitch belonging to Lilo because she owns him since she paid for him. I guess we never saw her pay for her new pet in this movie (I'm guessing her neighbor bought him for her) so instead Cobra and Pleakley make a deal with her that Pleakley will watch over Stitch and Cobra will make sure this will never be found out and she seem satisfied with this. I guess they forgot about all those videos taken of Stitch at that wedding. 

There are a few loose ends that we need to tie up. The neighbor lady (you can probably tell that I don't remember her name) has offered to take in Lilo so she'll still be next door. Wouldn't have this been easier if she had just done this a long time ago? This just seems way too easy and it's a bit dumb they didn't think of this before. 

Nani ends up going to college in San Diego to study marine biology and after the ending montage set to "Burning Love" (it's not Elvis or Wynona singing it; it's two kids who are Bruno Mars' nephews (now I get why they had "Uptown Funk" playing during the wedding scene) and let's just say these kids didn't inherit their uncle's talent...I'll just leave it at that. 

The very last scene of the movie, we see Lilo talking to Nani on FaceTime and Nani tells her to "hold on a sec" and disappears from the frame. Lilo is asking her questions about her dorm room and college life, but Nani isn't responding and Lilo asks her where she went. We then see a light and a hand reaches out to touch Lilo's foot. It's Nani behind her and she's come through a portal with one of the ray guns the aliens brought with them. Oh, did I not mention these? They're laser guns you can shoot and it can make you go from one place to another in an instant. It's insane that the girls were able to keep this and I am 110% positive the only reason they had Nani go to college in San Diego was so they could have this asinine scene. 

It felt like they were trying to shove Stitch in our faces, like "Look how cute he is! You came to see this movie because you love Stitch!" There's even a scene where Pleakley mentions to Jumba how cute or adorable Stitch is (I can't remember the exact context) and it just felt like it was pandering to the Stitch Stans (heh). I don't even think this Stitch was even cute. I love animated Stitch, but CGI Stitch is f***ing annoying as hell. 

Skip this one and watch the animated movie. 

Strength and Honor

Gladiator

Director: Ridley Scott

Cast: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Connie Nielsen, Oliver Reed, Dijimon Hounsou, Richard Harris, Derek Jacobi, Spencer Treat Clark

Released: May 5, 2000

Oscar nominations

Best Picture (won)

Best Director - Ridley Scott (lost to Steven Soderbergh for Traffic)

Best Actor - Russell Crowe (won)

Best Supporting Actor - Joaquin Phoenix (lost to Benicio Del Toro for Traffic)

Best Original Screenplay - David Franzoni, Josh Logan, and William Nicholson (lost to Cameron Crowe for Almost Famous)

Best Art Direction -Set Decoration (lost to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

Best Cinematography (lost to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

Best Costume Design (won)

Best Visual Effects (won)

Best Editing (lost to Traffic)

Best Original Score - Hans Zimmer (lost to Dun Tan for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

Best Sound (won)

Oh, man, this movie has so many great quotes:

"Are you not entertained? Are. You. Not. Entertained?"

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"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the North. General of the Felix Legions. Loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next." 

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"What would you have me do, Ceasar?"

"I want you to become the Protector of Rome after I die. I will empower you to one end alone. To give power BACK to the people of Rome and end the corruption that has crippled it. Will you accept this great honor that I have offered?"

"With all my heart, no."

"Maximus! That is why it MUST be YOU!"

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"You won your freedom?"

"A long time ago, the Emperor presented me with a rudius. It's just a wooden sword. The symbol of your freedom. He touched me on the shoulder, and I was free."

"Ha, ha, ha. You knew Marcus Aurelius?"

"I did not say I knew him! I said he touched me on the shoulder once!"  

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"I knew a man once who said, 'Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.'"

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"Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome." 

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 "The General who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking Story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?

"You would fight me?"

 "Why not? Do you think I am afraid?"

"I think you've been afraid all your life." 

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"Now we are free. I will see you again...but not yet...not yet!"

This was only the third time I've seen this movie and it had been quite a long time since I last saw it, but I could still quote many lines from the movie. This is because I owned Gladiator: More Music from the Motion Picture (as well as the original soundtrack!) and there are lines of dialogue over some of the score. I have listened to the soundtrack so many times that I could hum every note of pretty much each scored scene. 

The film opens with a quick history lesson, telling the audience that the Roman Empire "was vast, stretching from the deserts of Africa to the borders of Northern England" and that "over one quarter of the world's population lived and died under the rule of the Caesars." It is 180 AD (so a looooong time ago) and Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris) is the Emperor. 

Maximus (Russell Crowe) is a general who has just lead the Roman army to victory in a battle. When Marcus Aurelius asks how he can award him, Maximus just wants to go home to see his wife and young son who he hasn't seen in almost three years. But Marcus Aurelius has other plans for him and tells him, "There is one more duty I ask of you before you go home...I want you to become the protector of Rome after I die." He wants him to "give power back to the people of Rome" and "end the corruption that has crippled it." Maximus thinks this should go to somebody who understands Rome's politics and Marcus Aurelius wants it to be Maximus because he "has not been corrupted by politics." When he asks about Marcus Aurelius's own son, Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), he is told, "Commodus is not a moral man." Marcus Aurelius is adamant that he "must not rule." (Ruh-roh, we all know that this is not going to end well!) He tells Maximus, "You are the son I should have had." Ouch! Good thing Commodus didn't hear that! He also adds that Commodus will accept his decision because "he knows that [Maximus] commands the loyalty of the army." 

Well, guess who isn't too happy when he is told he will not be the emperor? I'll give you zero guesses because you should know this. Maximus is "to hold in trust until the Senate is ready to rule" and that "Rome is to be a Republic again." Because Commodus doesn't take too kindly to this news, he ends up killing his father by suffocating him. Surprise! Guess who's now the new Emperor? Again, I'll give you zero guesses. When Commodus informs Maximus that his father is dead, Maximus asks how he died and Commodus tells him he died in his sleep. Uh-huh. I guess back then, they didn't really have the means to conduct autopsies. Plus, nobody was listening to true crime podcasts so nobody was quick to question this "sudden death" or be suspicious about it. Though, to be fair to Commodus, his father was a frail, old man, so him dying in his sleep probably wouldn't be that far-fetched. However, to also be fair to Maximus, he was way ahead of his time because he wants to talk to the council because he believes Marcus Aurelius was slain! Maximus knows what's up! Quintus, a Roman military officer and commander of the Praetorian guard, tells him, "The Emperor died of natural causes." It's clear who's side he's on (and, yes, I had to look up his info on the Gladiator movie Wikipedia page)!  

Because Maximus won't allege his loyalty to the new Emperor, the guards have been ordered to take him and "ride until dawn, then execute him." Why they need to ride until dawn, I'm not sure, but I suppose if they had just killed him on the spot, the movie would have been only forty minutes instead of two hours and thirty-five minutes.

When he asks for his family to be taken care of, he is told that they will meet him in the afterlife. Maximus is able to thwart his executioners and kill most of the guards before grabbing a horse and galloping off to make the long journey to his home. Maximus is referred as "the Spaniard" throughout the movie, so I'm guessing his home is in Spain? (Did Spain exist way back then? I mean, was it called that? I dunno.) Unfortunately, he is too late and his wife and son have already been brutally killed. He is so overcome by exhaustion and grief that he collapses and the next thing he knows, he is being carried on a stretcher-like thing (I'm sure that's not what they called it in 180 AD!) through the desert along with many men and animals. He has been found by slave traders and he is taken and sold in Zuccabar to a a gladiator trainer named Proximo (Oliver Reed). He needs "good stock" for his next fight and likes the looks of Maximus and a slave named Juba (Dijmon Hounsou) who will become Maximus's closest confidant. Proximo tells his gladiators in training, "I did not pay good money for you for your company. I paid it so that I could profit from your death." I would have thought they make money if their gladiator wins? 

Before their first fight, Coach Proximo gives them a "pep" talk: "Some of you are thinking, you won't fight. Some that you can't fight. They'll say that, until they're out there." He tells them to listen to the crowd chanting, "Kill, kill, kill." We'll soon learn this is the crowd's favorite word to chant during these fights. 

The whole concept of pitting men (and sometimes women as we'll see later) to fight against each other to the death is all kinds of messed up. I know we sometimes use the phrase, "That was a different time", but in this case, it really was a different time. It was a totally different era! 

The music right before they go into the arena is EPIC! Too bad they didn't have speakers in the Colosseum, or they could pump it through the arena and get the audience all pumped. Right before they run out, we see a big beefy guy clad in armor and waving around a chain with a spiked ball attached to it. Two seconds later a guy is bludgeoned with it. I was like, oh, okay, that's how we're gonna start things. Let's just say, this movie earned it's R rating!

This fight seems highly unfair as the big beefy guys are protected by armor and the slaves are only wearing rags. The slaves are partnered with someone and chained together, with maybe about two feet of leeway (I dunno, I could be totally wrong there). Maximus and Juba are partners and they work very well together; if these two were born in our time, they would have been great on The Amazing Race together! They run towards a big beefy guy, attaching him with the chain which they trip him with. We get the epic 360 camera shot of them as they look up and around the arena of the cheering audience. 

Between the first battle and the next one, we see the Emperor arriving in a very CGI Ancient Rome (complete with a fully built Colosseum!). Commodus tells his sister, Lucilla (Connie Nielsen), "I'll give the people a vision of Rome and they'll love me for it." 

Here are a few things you should know about, Lucilla: She has an eight-year-old son named Lucius Veras ("after his father"), she has been recently widowed, and Maximus if a former lover of hers. Oh, and Commodus has some icky incestuous feelings towards her which she definitely does not reciprocate. At one point, he wants her to "stay the night" with him, but she tells him she won't. He asks her to kiss him and she kisses him on the forehead, probably not what he had in mind! 

Now it's time for the second battle in the arena! Maximus is already a big hit with the crowd. As they're waiting for the fight, the crowd is yelling, "Spaniard! Spaniard!", which is what they call Maximus (before they learn his name). Maximus enters the arena and starts slicing and dicing some big beefy boys' metal shields and metal hats. He slices one guy at the waist and another guy in the chest, then sticks two swords in one guy's chest, then takes both of them out and decapitates him (keep in mind he's at least two feet taller than Maximus). If I were in that crowd, I definitely would be covering my eyes! Eugghghg! 

He throws one sword at the VIP tent (well, the equivalent of what it would be called today) and this is when we get the famous scene where he yells to his captivated audience, "Are you not entertained? Are. You. Not. Entertained? Is this not why you're here?" He throws down the other sword in disgust and the crowd just cheers and chants, "Spaniard! Spaniard!" They are very much entertained! 

Proximo sends for Maximum and tells him while he's good, he could "be magnificent." Maximus replies," I am required to kill, so I kill. That is good enough." Proximo tells him that is not enough for Rome (where they will be taking the show next) and that "the young emperor has arranged a series of spectacles to commemorate his father, Marcus Aurelius." He finds that amusing since it was Marcus Aurelius who closed them down. With a glint in his eye, he says they are "going back to the place where we belong", of course referring to the Colosseum. "Fifty thousand Romans watching every movement of your sword, willing you to make that killer blow." From the way he is talking, Maximus surmises that he was a gladiator and Proximo confirms it. Maximus asks if he won his freedom and Proximo tells him, "A long time ago, the Emperor presented me with a radius. It's just a wooden sword. The symbol of your freedom. He touched me on the shoulder and I was free." He gets haughty when Maximus starts laughing and asks him, "You knew Marcus Aurelius", to which he responds, "I did not say I knew him. I said he touched me on the shoulder once." 

Maximus says he also wants to stand in front of the Emperor as Proximo did and his mentor advises him, "Then listen to me. Learn from me." He says he wasn't the best because he "killed quickly", but because "the crowd loved me...win the crowd and you'll win your freedom." Maximus says, "I will win the crowd. I will give them something they've never seen before." 

Now it's time to take a roadtrip to Rome! Roam if you want to, indeed! Actually a journey from what I assume is probably modern day Morocco to Rome would SUCK. I can't ride a horse for more than two horses without my butt and legs getting sore. I can't imagine the horrendous trek that would be! I looked up the distance and it takes 32 hours to DRIVE that distance! With a modern car! Can you imagine if you had to walk it or go on horseback? I would be dead after the third hour! Luckily, we just get a ten second clip of them on their journey. 

When they reach the Colosseum, Maximus, Juba, and the others are looking at it in awe. Even though I know this particular Colosseum is CGI, it is pretty spectacular. The actual, real Colosseum in Rome today is quite impressive. How about some Colosseum fun facts? 

*It was built during 69-79 AD and completed in 80 AD. I have no idea how this is known, but there must be some record.

*It could hold 50,000 - 80,000 spectators, thus making it the largest standing amphitheater in the world.

*It was used for public events including executions, re-enactments of famous battles, dramas based on Roman mythology, and, of course, gladiatorial contests.

*It was ruined by earthquakes and stone robbers. The latter made me chuckle. 

*There were 80 entrances on ground level.

Okay, I think that's enough fun facts for now. There's a whole Wikipedia article you can read about it. Actually, I'm also sure there are more reputable sources about it! 

Before his first battle in the Colosseum, Lucilla's young son, Lucius (Spencer Treat Clark), is outside the gate where Maximus and the others are waiting and beckons him to come closer and asks if he's the one they call the Spaniard and Maximus confirms this. Lucius tells him he will be cheering for him and Maximus is surprised that this young boy is allowed to watch the games (so am I, Max, so am I!). Lucius tells him he's allowed to watched because "my uncle says it makes me strong." When asked about what his father thinks, Lucius tells him his father is dead. Are we sure about that? (Wink, wink.)

Before they enter the arena, they are given instructions to raise their weapons and salute the Emperor when he enters. They are NOT to turn their backs on him as it is a huge sign of disrespect. He tells them, "Go, and die with honor." 

A man named Cassius is the one who announces who will be fighting that day. He wears a wig with red curls and has these crazy eyebrows that slope up. He introduces Proximo's gladiator slaves as "the barbarian horde". In the arena, they are all facing forward as they were instructed, and Maximus, in the front, asks the group if anybody has ever served in the army and someone next to him says he served with him and Maximus tells him he can help: "Whatever comes out of these gates, we've got a better chance of survival if we work together...if we stay together we survive." Earlier when they were still in the...whatever the equivalent of locker rooms were called back then....., you could hear growling noises and was sure some wild cat would be coming through the gates. But no, that will be for another show! 

Several gates open around the Colosseum and a bunch of chariots being pulled by horses come rushing out. In each chariot are two people: one in front holding the reins and the other in back, wielding a weapon. In this case, there were many bows and arrows. I was quite shocked to see a woman (who gets a pretty nasty death when she's cut in half at the waist) in the arena, but I guess it happened. One particular guy in the crowd is getting a little into it and chanting, "Kill, kill, kill!" Like, settle down, dude! If he were living in this day and age he'd be the obnoxious guy at sporting events, standing up and yelling every three seconds. The woman is shooting arrows at her opponents and Maximus instructs everyone to stay close and they use their shield to protect themselves. 

At one point, I'm not sure exactly how it happened (because everything is moving so fast), they're able to tip one of the chariots over. This causes the other chariots to start crashing into each other and soon there's lots of carnage and many of the chariot riders are getting killed. Maximus gets on a horse that has escaped from one of the crashed chariots and uses a spear (which I believe he retrieved from one of the dead opposition) to throw at one of his enemies. There's a cool shot where he's coming around the arena and Juba shouts his name and throws a sword at Maximus which he catches and uses to cut any b*tch who gets in his way. 

Throughout this battle, we get some shots of Commodus who has some choice reactions. At one point he's sticking his tongue out and another time he's going "ooooh" in a sarcastic manner. 

There's lots of cheering from the crowd when everyone from the other side has died. I get the impression the crowd doesn't really care who wins/looses. They just want people to die and they'll cheer for the people who live (or, really, the people who killed off the other side). Commodus asks Cassius shouldn't have the barbarians lost this battle since that was the plan for them to die. He asks about the Spaniard and says he wants to meet him. Because Maximus is wearing an armored helmet that covers most of his face, Commodus has no idea who he is. 

The gladiators are told to drop their weapons, then Commodus comes out, flanked by a bunch of bodyguards. Maximus sees an arrow laying on the ground and discreetly picks it up, but then he sees that Lucius has ran up alongside Commodus and knows he can't do anything if a kid is there. (Though even if the kid wasn't there, would he really try anything with all those men with swords surrounding them, their duty being to protect Commodus?)

When Commodus asks him if he has a name, Maximus simply replies, "My name is Gladiator." The turns around and walks back toward the other men. This does not make Commodus happy: "How dare you show your back to me." He orders him to remove his helmet and tell him his name. With his back still turned toward him, Maximus removes his helmet, the turns to face him. This is when we get the "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius" quote. When he finishes with "I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next", Commodus is speechless and his main guard quickly orders the other men to surround him. He shouts, "Arms!" and they pull out their weapons. People in the crowd chant "Live! Live Live!" This is literally the only time when they're not shouting "Kill! Kill! Kill!" I'm honestly shocked, usually the crowd is blood thirsty. Commodus puts his arm out with his hand in a fist and everyone is waiting to see if he's going to give the thumbs up (that means you get to live) or the thumbs down (that means you die). Lucky for Maximus, he's given the thumbs up. Hmmm, that makes me think of something. Gimme a sec....haha, okay, it's a good thing Roger Ebert wasn't around during the Roman Empire or else Maximus would have died! Because he gave it thumbs down! I mean the movie, you know what I mean. 

Everyone in the crowd is cheering and Maximus puts his arm up in triumph and he knows he has the crowd's adulation as he looks around the arena at all his cheering fans. Now that people know his name, it's being shouted as he leaves the arena. 

I need to do a quick fashion corner before I resume. There's a couple times where Lucilla wears a dress with a ribbon (for a lack of a better word) that is wrapped around her stomach, goes under her breasts, and is weaved around low on her hips and around her arms. It's just so odd. It also looks like an annoyance to put on/wear. I tried Googling this look, but couldn't find anything. Who knows how accurate it is. 

Commodus asks his sister why Maximus is still alive and she tells him she doesn't know. He says one of my favorite lines in the movie (but not as iconic as many other lines) which is, "It vexes me. I am terribly vexed." This is a quote I may have used once or twice in my real life. Commodus is also not very happy as he was told that Maximus had died when he was taken to Germania to be executed and this means he was lied to!

Lucilla goes to visit Maximus in the prison where he's being held when he's not entertaining crowds and tells him that Commodus controls everything. He has enemies, most of them are in the Senate. While people follow him, "no one would dare stand up to him until [Maximus came along]." She asks him if he will meet a man who has dedicated his life to Rome if she can arrange a meeting with him. Maximus reminds her he is only a slave and may die in their prison or in the arena tomorrow and what difference can he make. He basically tells her to get the hell out and forget about him. 

Now it's the second time in the Colosseum. That Cassius sure likes to blow a lot of smoke before the show starts because he's just keeps talking and talking and talking. He tells the audience that they are celebrating the 64th day of the games on this particular day. He adds, "The Emperor has deigned this day to favor the people of Rome with an historical final match." There is a special guest today! Returning to the Colosseum after fives years in retirement, "the only undefeated champion in Roman history, the legendary Tigris of Gual!" Some guy in a chariot led by four horses with red plumes comes charging out. Everyone cheers wildly so I guess they're familiar with him. This is just proof that the audience will cheer for anyone. They were going gaga over Maximus the last time they saw him and now they're cheering for this dude. 

Now you may have noticed that Cassius says "historical final match." In their equivalent of a VIP box, Commodus admits to his sister that Maximus will be gone soon because "it's been arranged." Ha! Joke's on you, Commie! 

This battle will be a one-on-one fight between Maximus and the undefeated guy who came out of retirement. Oh, did I mention he looks like he's built like The Mountain from Game of Thrones? He looks like he could squash Maximus like a bug. 

This may be a one-on-one battle between the two men, but they aren't the only ones out in the arena. After Tigris kicks sand in Maximus's face (someone likes to play dirty!), Maximus falls back and a wall right behind him opens to reveal a tiger, attached to a chain, run out and swipe at Maximus before he is able to roll away. There are men controlling the tigers with the chains and decide how much leeway they get. Another tiger comes from under the floor, then another jumps on Maximus's back, but the men controlling the wild animal are able to pull him back. Hmm, I wonder if they put tigers in the arena because Tigris was fighting that day. Like, that can't be a coincidence! 

A tiger leaps up on Maximus, but he's able to spear it in the belly with his sword. The tiger falls on top of him and while he's under the tiger's corpse, he's trying to shield himself from Tigris who's stabbing at him. From his position on the ground, Maximus is able to take Tigris's axe and stab him in the foot with it. This causes Tigris to fall on the ground and now that he does't have anyone trying to stab him anymore, Maximus is able to get up. The audience is (of course) chanting, "Kill, kill, kill!" Maximus takes his sword and removes the mask from Tigris's face with it. One guy in the crowd is particularly enthusiastic and shouts,"Yeah!" Commodus turns his thumb down, signifying for Maximus to kill his opponent. 

Maximus lifts the axe up, but instead of striking the (no longer undefeated) (ex) champion with it, he throws it to the side. Someone shouts, "Maximus the Merciful!" and now the crowd is chanting and cheering, "Maximus! Maximus!" It's like, pick a lane, audience, only a few seconds ago you were cheering for him to kill the other dude. 

Commodus is not too happy since he thought Maximus was supposed to die. He comes down to the arena with all his guards and says some pretty terrible and despicable things about Maximus's son's and wife's last moments before they died. He is just being a prick and egging him on him. Maximus simply tells him, 'The time for honoring yourself will soon come to an end." Later, Commodus will whine about how the crowd now loves Maximus for his mercy: "So I can't just kill him or it will make me look more unmerciful." Commodus is a whiny little bitch. 

Before the battle, we saw a man with a scar on his face in the crowd. This is Cicero who is a loyal servant to Maximus. While Maximus is walking through the crowd after the battle, Cicero is able to walk near him and tell him his legion still remain loyal to him and would be ready to fight tomorrow. Maximus tells him he needs to do something for him. A few moments later, we see Cicero get close to the carriage that Lucilla is in. It's one of those modes of transports without wheels and men are carrying it. When he mentions Maximus's name, she beckons him to come closer and he tells her that Maximus will meet with the politician she wanted him to talk to. 

When Maximus meets with Senator Gracchus (Derek Jacobi), he asks him if he can buy his freedom and smuggle him out of Rome. He wants to get out of the city walls with horses ready for him to take to Ostia where his army is. He will return by nightfall the second day with five thousand men. Lucilla informs him that the legions have new commanders who are loyal to Commodus, but he says when his men see him alive, their loyalties will lie with him. 

When Gracchus asks him why he will give the city of Rome back to the people, he tells him, "Because that was the last wish of a dying man." He says he will kill Commodus and leave the fate of Rome to Gracchus. 

Their plan doesn't quite work out because Commodus gets a whiff of what's going on (thanks to Lucius unknowingly spilling the beans) and has Gracchus arrested. Lucilla tells Maximus that they "must leave tonight" and that Cicero will be at the gate waiting with horses. 

Commodus doesn't like it when little Lucius is cos-playing, not only pretending that he a gladiator, but that he is Maximus, "the savior or Rome!" Commodus tells Lucius a story about "Mark Antony and his adventures in Egypt" that parallels what is going on right now and it's clear to Lucilla (who's nearby, listening) that Commodus knows that she and Maximus are up to something. He informs her that if she does't fess us, he will do something terrible to her son. She has no choice but to tell him everything, which is how they know where Maximus is meeting Cicero and are able to capture him. Both Cicero and Proximo end up dead trying to protect Maximus. 

Senator Falco (or someone...there's so many ancillary characters) tells Commodus that it's been done and Commodus asks him what should happen to his sister and nephew and should he "be merciful"?  He says that Lucius will stay with him now and "if his mother so much as looks at me in a manner that displeases me, he will die."
After he says this, the camera pans to show that Lucilla is sitting nearby. He adds that if she takes her own life, her son will also die. He tells Lucilla that she will love him, as he loved her. Eww. But wait, it gets worse! He says to her, "You will provide me with an heir of pure blood, so that Commodus and his progeny will rule for 1000 years." That fact that he refers to himself in the third person is almsot as bad that he wants his sister to have babies. I know this was back in three digit years so maybe this wasn't seen as taboo (and gross!), but ughghghg! But then it gets even worse when he starts caressing her cheek and runs her fingers over her lips. It would be pretty icky even if she wasn't related to him. She's crying and she can't recoil from his touch for the sake of her son's safety.  

There is one final battle in the Colosseum and this time it's between Commodus and Maximus. Everyone is shouting Maximus's name which I'm sure Commodus loves. Maximus is chained to the wall and Commodus tells him that since Maximus loved his father like he did (are we sure about that, Commie, you know, since you killed your father), he declares they are brothers. He hugs him, but it's only a pretense so he can stab him in the chest with a little dagger. He tells one of the guards to strap on Maximus's armor so it will conceal the wound. They are lifted up by chains from under group up to the arena. Someone in the crowd yells, "Off with his head, Maximus!" This battle is a little bit different as all the guards are in a circle around the two men battling. 

They begin fighting with their swords and everyone cheers when Maximus gives Commodus a huge slash across the back. This causes him to drop his sword and he asks Quintus to give him his sword. I was kind of confused by this because was he able to retrieve his own sword? Did Maximus take it? Also, it seems like cheating asking for a sword from one of your guards (which seems like it's cheating having them there!). However, Quintus, who had earlier betrayed Maximus to ally with Commodus is now betraying Commodus as he not only obliges to give him his swords, but he orders the other guards to "sheathe your swords" after Commodus starts to panic and yells at anyone to give him a sword. 

Maximus turns into Russell Crowe and uses his elbow to knock Commodus in the face, then he just uses his fists to punch him in the face. The funny thing is, I'd probably still use the Russell Crowe joke even if another actor played Maximus. Hey, at least he's being fair not using his sword since Commodus didn't have one. (I still don't understand why he couldn't retrieve it!) But I probably spoke too soon because now Maximus has Commodus in a headlock and has pulled out a dagger that he's pointing towards Commodus's face and the young tyrant is straining to get away from it. Maximus jabs him in the throat and Commodus falls to the ground. Maximus stays on his feet fora few seconds, but also ends up falling on the ground. He starts to have visions of his idyllic home but before it is time to be ruined with his family in the afterlife, he has a few more tasks to take care of. He tells Quintus to free his men and that Senator Gracchus is to be reinstated. He says these are the wishes of Marcus Aurelius. Right away, Quintus orders for the prisoners to be freed. Maximus falls (quite dramatically) backwards onto the dirt and Lucilla runs toward him. He tells her that Lucius is safe and she nods. She tells him, "Go to them", giving him permission to die and return to his family. 

In a fierce voice, she tells Senator Gracchus and the others surrounding her to honor Maximus because he was a soldier of Rome. Gracchus asks who will help him carry him and Maximus's fellow gladiators flock to help the Senator lift the deceased soldier above their heads and carry him out of the arena. In the last scene, Juba tells his friend, "Now were are free. I will see you again. But not yet, not yet."

If you haven't seen Gladiator 2 and don't want to be spoiled, stop reading this now! You have been warned! 

Okay, I saw Gladiator 2 a couple months ago and while I'm not going to review it (at least not right now), I will say the first movie is still better. We find out that Lucius is actually Maximus's son, which makes sense. If they were hinting at it in the first movie, they don't flat out say he's the father, but I'm sure the audience is to think it could be a possibility. If you thought the first movie was a bit gory, wait until you see the sequel. The battles in the arena are just ridiculous, especially one when they put water in the arena and everyone is on ships and there's sharks in the water. Like, how are they even transporting sharks to the arena?