Honey, I Shrunk Myself

Downsizing

Director: Alexander Payne

Cast: Matt Damon, Christoph Waltz, Kristen Wiig, Hong Chau

Released: December 22, 2017

As someone who lives in Omaha, the people of Omaha/Nebraska should be thankful for Alexander Payne. Why? Because if it weren't for him, the state of Nebraska would probably be best known for Teen Wolf, and trust me, we need all the help we can get. Yes, we have Warren Buffett and that one Lady Gaga song, but as far as films, it would be totally embarrassing and shameful if Teen Wolf (which takes place in some fictional Nebraska town, but wasn't filmed there) was the movie everyone thought about if (for whatever reason) movies that take place in Nebraska was brought up. Payne, who is from Omaha, has set many of his movies in Nebraska, usually Omaha. I remember when I saw About Schmidt with my mom and she goes, "Oh! There's [name of friend]'s house!" 

So this movie is interesting, to say the least. I knew that it was about Matt Damon becoming small (very small!) and when I first started watching it, I was like, Oh, this movie is like Honey I Shrunk the Kids! Except it's not. In that movie, Rick Moranis invents his contraption to shrink items; it's not meant for shrinking people. In this movie, shrinking people is very intentional and the whole point. Also, once you become small, you can never go back to your normal size, but, luckily, in Honey, the four shrunken kids are restored to their normal size. 

The movie starts in Bergen, Norway, where we see a scientist inject a mouse with something and put it into some machine, and, later, when he opens it, he looks surprised. We don't see the mini mouse (heh), but we know what he's seeing because we know what this movie's about. He excitedly tells his news to another colleague. 

Five years later and we're in Istanbul at a conference with a company called Global Solutions where the topic that day will be "Human Scale and Sustainability" with Dr. Andreas Jacobsen and Dr. Jorgen Asbjornsen from the Edvardsen Institute. In case you couldn't tell from their names, they're the two men from Norway we met in the first scene. 

Dr. Jacobsen tells the audience that the Institute "identified overpopulation as mankind's single greatest long-term threat" in the 1950s. One of their ideas they came up with many year ago seemed "too ambitious" and "out of their grasp", but they have finally made it a reality. While he's talking, he's standing next to a podium with a wooden box, maybe a little bigger than a shoebox, on it. He announces they are about to unveil what they "believe to be the only practical, humane and inclusive remedy to humanity's gravest problem" (He sure is laying it on thick here!) and that his colleague, Dr. Jorgen Ashborgsen, will tell them what it is. The audience clearly sees what is it when he lifts the box to reveal the tiny man who is Jorgen. He is standing behind his own tiny podium. 

Everyone is gasping and I can't blame them. That would freak me the f*** out. People are standing to get a better look and most of them are taking pictures/videos with their phones. Honestly, I'm surprised they were allowed to bring their phones. Somebody could just post a picture/video to social media and it would be out before they were ready to share their finding with the rest of the world. Even though Jorgen is small, his voice is still the same when he was his normal size. He says he and his colleagues "discovered a process by which all organic material can be reduced at the cellular level by a ratio of approximately 2,744 to one." This converts a man of 1.8 meters (5'11"; I had to ask Alexa to convert!) to 12.9 centimeter (5 inches)! That's a lot of science and math in one sentence. They also tested flora and fauna and "with the exception of some fish and shellfish, no side effects were detected." (I wonder what they were.) 

He presents a slideshow on the screen with the "experimental group" which consisted of 36 volunteers who joined him and his wife, Anne-Helene. Once they knew the procedure was safe, these 36 people became the "very first humans to undergo cellular reduction." I'm sorry, but who the f*** would volunteer for this? Jorgen says the volunteers are brave, but I would call them stupid idiots. We see a slide of the group sitting on some rocks outside. I guess the rocks are supposed to be pebbles, but they look like normal sized people sitting on/standing around boulders, which it probably is in reality! He claims the process is "short and painless" (heh, I wonder if he realized he was making a pun), the only discomfort being the "removal and replacement of dental and other prosthetics". We see a before and after picture of a man who downsized and the latter has a ruler and a measuring cup next to the tiny man to make it clear and obvious he's tiny! 

This must be going viral by now (thanks to all those audience members publishing their pics and videos to social media!) because other people who are in the building (at other conferences or meetings, I guess) come rushing into the auditorium to see the tiny man. He is now talking about their "little village" which is 7 meters (23 feet) by 11 meters (36 feet). It was "placed inside a gas-permeable enclosure designed to protect [them] from the hazards of weather, animals, and insects." Obviously, these people have never seen Honey, I Shrunk the Kids or they would know they could become friends with ants! Remember Anty? While he tells them they are living together in "the world's very first self-sustaining community of the small" (well, duh), Dr. Jacobsen, who had left while Tiny Jorgen was talking, walks in with a trash bag that's probably a third full, and announces to the audience that he's holding "all of the un-compostable waste produced by 36 people over four years." Wait, shouldn't it be 38 people since it was 36 people who joined Jorgen and Anne-Helene? Well, 36/38, either way, they don't use that much trash. Can you imagine how much waste 36 (or 38!) people produce in four years? Much more than that! I guess the tiny people have to feel smug about something! They have a "proposal for a two to three hundred-year transition for the world to transform from big into small." 

This seems like a lot of work to transform every person in the world (not to mention all the flora and fauna!) into miniature versions of themselves. Not to mention you'll have to completely change the infrastructure and don't get me started on transportation. Are there going to be tiny planes and boats now? I'm not exactly sure how far they got into their plan. There's a lot of holes in their plan that don't always get addressed. 

The very first village of tiny people are brought out on stage on a cart and the audience thinks this is the greatest thing ever. Nobody seems to have any objection to this at all. You think there would be one person who might find this a little unethical? No? Anyway, as you may have guessed, trick photography is used in scenes like this. 

They don't specify but I'm guessing all the small people are Norwegian. Jorgen points out a family with a toddler and baby and tells them that Ronni Nestrud is the "first small baby ever born." I'm guessing his baby sister is the second small baby ever born! 

I have to wonder....they said these 36 people volunteered to become small, but do you think there was a much larger pool of volunteers and they specifically picked these 36 people because they would help society? Like, maybe there was a doctor, someone in engineering, computer software, construction, just different experts in different subjects so they would have the knowledge to create what they needed? They don't really address that, but it must be the case! 

To no one's surprise, this thing goes viral and is shown all over the world. This is when we meet Paul Safranek (Matt Damon) who lives in Omaha and works at Omaha Steaks. This is just a quick introduction and the next thing we know, ten years have passed. He's now married to a woman named Audrey (Kristen Wiig) and still works at Omaha Steaks, but he's an in-house physical therapist who helps people with their wrists and joints. 

By this time, it's been fifteen years since the reveal of the new technology that can make people become small and several people have undergone the treatment. Paul and two of his friends are at a bar watching a news program that is debating the effects of people becoming small. We see a regular sized man and a small woman debating. The man says it's having a "devastating effect on our world economy" as billions of dollars are lost in consumer spending.  

So in this part of the movie, it's set in Omaha and I did get a chuckle out of a few things that only I (or anyone from here) would get. Paul and Audrey are wanting to move and are looking at a very nice house (that's probably in west Omaha!) and Audrey really likes it, but Paul thinks they should look "at that place in Benson". Haha, I know where that is! We see them attend a reunion at Creighton Prep. I've heard of it! Matt Damon wears a "Nebraska" shirt in a couple scenes. Ha, do you think he felt like a traitor? 

At the reunion, Paul runs into a former classmate randomly played by James Van der Beek (we'll see some other cameos pop up later) who is in the medical field. We find out that Paul was pre-med and wanted to be a surgeon, but had to take care of his sick mom (who has since passed away). Basically, he could have had this great life and make good money, but that's not the way things worked out for him.

During the reunion, a guy walks in with a diorama box and it contains a former class mate, Dave Johnson, and his wife, Carol who have both become small. In the box there are two small couches and they both have miniature megaphones (hmmm, is that an oxymoron?) they use to communicate. Quick question: do they have to make the small furniture, or can they shrink that too? I'm guessing it's the former. Now if they had Wayne Szalinkski's contraption, they could have easily just shrunk furniture and other objects. 

After the party, a few people have gone back to Paul and Audrey's house, including the small couple. While Carol is talking to a large group in the living room (she's on the coffee table they're sitting around), Paul is talking to Dave in the kitchen. Dave tells Paul that he and Carol had been living in Vegas where he had gotten "into some real bad habits" and "hit rock bottom." He and his wife decided they needed to change and "start all over" and that's why they became small. (That's a pretty intense and permanent change!) Paul tells him he must feel good about helping to save the planet, but Dave tells him "downsizing is about saving yourself." He says it takes money pressure off and that he's not "driven and ambitious", but he and Carol have a pretty cushy life. He tells Paul that if he and Audrey ever decide to go to small, they should live in Leisureland which is located in New Mexico. The name makes me laugh because it sounds like something you would find at the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, you know, like Adventureland or Tomorrowland, etc. Leisureland has the best houses, doctors, and restaurants...it even has three Cheesecake Factories! (Why the f*** do you need THREE of those?) 

Much later, Paul will have another conversation with his (small) neighbor who tells him that people don't become small to help the environment, but do it to become rich and have the things they couldn't have if they weren't small. 

Both Dave and Carol have romanticized the idea of being small and Paul and Audrey basically think what do they have to lose? They drive to Sante Fe where people go to get small just so they can check it out and see "if it's for [them] or not." On the drive there, they pass a billboard for Leisureland Estate claiming to be "America's #1 micro communinity." Pictured is a bunch of people and a dog...and a hot air balloon, so I guess they've created hot air balloons for the miniature people! They enter a huge building that has models of the homes that small people live in. Actually, models would imply that they're smaller scale, but these are probably the same size of the actual homes you would see in Leisureland. They look like huge doll houses, so they're basically mansions for the miniature people. 

A huge home for the small is set up in a theater and Senior Product Specialist Jeff Lonowoksi (played by Neil Patrick Harris) comes out the front door, being filmed by a camera guy and it's being shown on the screen for the normal sized people to watch. How did they create a camera that small? I guess it's very possible to create anything in small scale! 

He shows the audience the inside of his house (which, let's be real, probably isn't really his house, but probably a version of it) and it opens up like a dollhouse. I'm guessing since this is a show house for normal sized people, they created it that way so they could see the inside. Laura Dern is taking a bubble bath in the upstairs bathroom and her name is Laura and I thought she was playing herself, but she's the wife to Jeff, so she's just playing a character named Laura. I know Alexander Payne worked with Bruce Dern in Nebraska, so it was probably easy for him to get her to have a quick cameo in this movie. She's pretty much there to schmooze about what an amazing life they have. She's taking a bubble bath "to relax after such a busy day." She took a tennis lesson, had a massage, and after "a gourmet lunch with the girls" (heh, guess they didn't go to one of the three Cheesecake Factories in their town!), they went downtown to the new jewelry store where she bought "another diamond necklace" with a matching necklace and earrings. Of course she had to add that they were "all conflict free and set in platinum." All of it cost only $83 which is also equal to their food budget for two months. I have to say, they are doing a great job of selling becoming small because the normal sized people are looking very impressed and Paul and Audrey both have an excited look on their face as if to say that they're ready for this lavish lifestyle. I don't know...I don't know if I could become a miniature version of myself just to have all this nice stuff. It might seem great at first, but I feel like I would regret it very soon! 

Paul and Audrey talk to a (normal-sized) representative about going small and how much it would cost. She tells them that if they "liquidate [their] current home, cars, and other assets, they can purchase the Regency-level estate (which is the 12,000 square foot equivalent home on the 1.5 acre equivalent lot) at a base price of $63,000." Added to that will be the health and fitness package ($4,500) that includes gym, pool sauna, stream, hot tub, and a tennis court. The medical procedure for the two of them will cost $15,000 and insurance doesn't cover any of it, but "at the Recency level [they] qualify for a substantial discount." Now I wasn't quite clear if it was $15,000 for the both of them or each of them, but either way, it seemed kind of cheap for the procedure they might undergo. She takes a look at their current debt and retirement and other savings to see they are at a $152,000 in equity and tells them that's a "comfortable number" and in Leisureland that translates to 12.5 million. Both Paul and Audrey are very impressed by this and it makes them happy. Audrey asks the woman why she hasn't become small since it's such a good thing and she replies that she would except that her husband had a hip replacement so he's ineligible. A part of me (the cynical part) was wondering if the woman was just making that up, that she was just trying to sell them on becoming small and makes up some reason why she isn't a small person because she does a great job of selling it! 

Back home, Paul and Audrey decide that they're going to go through with becoming small and they sell a bunch of their stuff at a garage sale. In one of the last scenes set in Omaha, they have a farewell dinner with their friends at a restaurant called Jams downtown in the Old Market. This was the most exciting part of the movie for me because I've been to that very restaurant a couple times! The last time I was there I ordered the Texas Chopped Salad. 

Audrey tells her friends that she'll miss them, but they'll be back at least once a year to visit. Her dad shows up without her mom. He tells her that she "couldn't bring herself to come, but she sends her love." He admits that he was a little skeptical about the idea at first, but then he talked to an old friend who became small and he and his wife retired in Leisureland and they're "getting along just fine" and that now he "sees the appeal." I appreciate that they gave at least one character (even though they're off screen) some reservation about this whole procedure. 

Before they head out to Santa Fe, Paul and Audrey have put their wedding rings and a few sentimental photo and letters in a box marked "Keepsakes" and these will be the only things they will keep. When they're small, they can hang the pictures on their walls as huge portraits! 

Once they get to New Mexico, they take a bus from the airport to the facility. There's a closed off section (kind of like a display case) where a bunch of small people are sitting in their small seats. One of the small women (played by Margo Martindale) strikes up a conversation with Paul (who was sort of staring at the small people). When he tells her he's nervous about becoming small, she tells him he shouldn't be, because "it's the best thing you'll ever do." Seriously, does not one person regret becoming small? I find that hard to believe.  

Okay, better put a spoiler warning here, just in case.

Slight spoilers coming up ahead! You have been warned! 

Before they go through with the procedure, they have to answer some legal questions such as, "Do you understand of your own free will, you will undergo the permanent and irreversible medical procedure commonly known as 'downsizing', and that following the procedure your bodies will be approximately .0364 percent of their current mass and volume?" They have to give their consent to have this medical procedure and they are also told "that there exists an approximately one in 225,000 chance that the procedure could result in injury, permanent disability, or death." 

They're sitting in the waiting room and Paul's name is called. They both get up, but the nurse tells Audrey that she'll have to wait until her name is called because they separate the men and women. The whole procedure will take about five hours and they'll be reunited in the recovery room. Paul and Audrey hug goodbye and tell each other "I love you" and Audrey watches as Paul walks down the very long hallway with the nurse. It's gotta be a scary thought that the next time you'll see your spouse, they will be complete different. 

The majority of the five hours is spent getting ready for the actual procedure and we are shown a montage as Paul and other men are being prepped. Everyone's head and face is shaven clean, including eyebrows, then they are put under sedation and the rest of the body hair is shaved off. Next, dentists work on teeth to remove any cavities or fillings. When that is done, all the patients are wheeled into a huge machine (there's probably 30 men on gurneys in there) and they are all injected with "downsizing solution" which you must "shake well before use." Now don't get that mixed up with any other kind of solution! The door is shut and secured and the machine is turned on and it only seems like the actual shrinking only takes about a minute! The hell? A few nurses, who have been waiting (cuz they know this doesn't take much time at all!), go in and lift the tiny men off the beds with a spatula-like tool (hell, they probably WERE spatulas) and place them on a cart and they are delivered through a slot where small doctors and nurses are on the other side to finish up the rest which is just pretty much putting in new fillings for their teeth. 

Paul wakes up in the recovery room and the nurse checks up on him and everything seems to be okay. She asks if he's hungry and comes back holding an individually wrapped saltine cracker and of course it's almost as big as she is. (I'm sure they had a lot of fun with the props!) This is just a cute joke she plays on everyone and tells him she'll bring him some real food. Paul asks about his wife and she checks the records where she sees Audrey's name, but she hasn't been transferred over yet. She assumes she's probably still in dental. Now, at this point, it did cross my mind that something happened like maybe Audrey had died during the procedure. But what actually happens makes way more sense to the plot: she didn't die; she never went through with the procedure. Paul finds this out when he receives a phone call from her. We see her at the airport wearing a hat and one of her eyebrows has been shaved off, so it looks like she made it that far, and, as she tells him, she freaked out after they shaved her hair. She came to the realization that she didn't want to leave her friends and family and while she feels awful, she realized she was only doing this because she was trying to make him happy. Look, I don't blame her at all; that is a very big change to undergo, but it's too bad she didn't talk to him about this sooner. It's pretty funny when she tells him she's upset and he replies, "You're upset? I'm the one who's five f***ing inches tall!" 

Paul now has his nice, cushy big small home all to himself. When the keepsake box (which transforms into a storage truck) arrives at his house, a delivery man carries the rings up to his house and it looks like he's carrying two heavy gold hula hoops. 

One evening, Paul is watching BBC World News where the anchor is talking about how the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and the Immigration and Naturalization Services "have been warning about the ease with which downsized people, from illegal immigrants to potential terrorists, could penetrate U.S. borders." They report a story about how last week at a Target store in Eugene, Oregon, workers "opened a suspicious TV box (there were small holes in one corner) and discovered 17 downsized stowaways from Vietnam, 14 of them already dead, two more dying hours later at a local hospital." The only survivor was a woman named Ngoc Lan Tran (Hong Chau) who was transferred to the best hospital in Leisureland and doctors had to "amputate a portion of an infected leg". Her condition is "described as fair but stable." Ngoc Lan claims to have been jailed for her "political and environmental activism and was miniaturized against her will in a Vietnamese prison facility." This will all come back later. 

One year has passed and Paul and Audrey are officially divorced and Paul has moved into a nice apartment. He works at call center for Land's End and we see he's not really into the job and snaps at a caller who can't decide what color sweater she wants. The woman tells him, "Don't be short with me!" and he gets offended. 

I think this movie is more interesting when you see small people interacting with normal sized people because then you can see the obvious difference, but when Paul is interacting with other small people, you kind of forget they're all five inches tall...probably because they're just normal sized people in real life! 

Paul starts dating a woman, but it doesn't really go anywhere, so he decides to check out one of the wild parties that are often hosted by his upstairs eccentric European neighbor, Dusan (Christoph Waltz). He introduces his friend, Konrad, who is a sea captain, to Paul. Dusan had been in Paul's apartment earlier and noticed he had a life-size rose that he got from the shop that sells life-size flowers, so Paul brought it to him as a gift. I do enjoy when they bring in props to show us (and remind us!) that these are tiny people. 

The next morning after the wild party, Paul wakes up in Dusan's living room and sees three Vietnamese cleaning ladies come in to tidy up the place. He recognizes one of them as the one found in the box from the news because she's limping. He catches her stealing pills and thinks she's taking them for her leg. She informs him that they're old pills and Dusan allows her to take them; she's taking them for her roommate who is very sick. He offers to help with her prosthetic leg and after looking at her leg, he tells her she has arthritis and if she doesn't do something about it soon she's going to need a new knee. He advises her she need to go to a specialist as soon as she can to get a new foot. In the meantime, he can make adjustments to her existing prosthetic and give her tips on how to walk better. She tells him when she's done with her cleaning, he can come with her. He says they can do it here, but she wants him to go with her to help her sick friend. He tells her he's not a doctor, but she says she's tried to take her to a clinic, but her friend has to wait too long and she can't find any doctors to help.

So they take a bus that goes through a tunnel and Ngoc Lan takes him to her very crowded and shambled apartment building where she shows Paul her bed-ridden and sick roommate. Paul gives her some pills that might ease her comfort, but the next day, we find out she died. This whole plot point was to get a working relationship/friendship started with Paul and Ngoc Lan. He tells her he will help her clean until she has a better prosthetic to walk on. 

Ngoc Lan gathers leftover food from the wealthy people she cleans for (with permission) and takes it back to some of the people who reside at her apartment. 

Two weeks pass and Dusan invites Paul to join him and Konrad to visit the original small colony in Norway. After the party, Paul told Dusan that he had met Little Ronni (remember, he's the first small baby ever to be born and now he's a teenager) who still lives in Norway and how he's always wanted to visit the original small colony. Dusan tells him it's "all right" and he usually goes once or twice a year with Konrad for business. 

Now Paul has his chance to go and when the three men tell Ngoc Lan this, she invites herself along (not what they were expecting!) because she's been invited before because of her story. She had received a letter from Dr. Jorgen Asbjornsen who told her he feels guilty that her becoming small was a bad thing and that he never meant for it to be that way. He had invited her to Norway and she never had the means to get there, but now she has the chance to go there and meet him. 

The next thing we know, they're on a boat in the waters of Norway and Jorgen and Anne-Helene have joined them. They're talking about how methane in Antartica has been released and "it's the end of everything" and that "homo sapiens will soon vanish from the Earth." Paul asks if downsizing is an option for humankind, but Jorgen informs him that only 3% of the population has downsized and there isn't enough time. That's a shockingly low number considering that downsizing has been around for about 16 years. I guess the majority of the population wasn't into it. 

When they get to the first small colony (I can't remember the name of it...Smallville, perhaps? Heh.), Paul and Ngoc Lan are shown a huge tunnel (well huge for small people) that leads to the vault the colony have been workin on "almost since the beginning." They are told "the tunnel leads to a vault 1.6 kilometers (almost one mile) inside the Earth's lithosphere (which is the solid outermost rock shell of the planet...I had to look it up) and is encased in a double layer of Inconel 625" (I have no idea what the f*** that is). There's way too much math and scidene in this movie! Anyway, back to this vault. In it, they will be containing a "broad spectrum of biodiversity, the vault is equipped with fields for growing foods, forest for lumber, livestock for animal husbandry, the residential areas are spacious and easily expandable to provide for future generations." While they are being told about this, there's a monitor with many screens so they can see all this. Everything is lit because of artificial light. The power is 100% geothermal. They have thought of everything and it's only possible for them to do this because of their small size. They all will be heading down in the earth's core soon and they will stay down there for 8,000 years (!!!) or "until the surface environment stabilizes." Ugh, no thank you! Paul, however, thinks this is the best idea ever and he wants to join them. 

He tells Ngoc Lan and he wants her to go with him. By this point, they've developed a somewhat romantic relationship. She refuses and tells him she needs to go back home and take care of the people there.

When it's finally time to go into the tunnel (just a few days later), Paul says his goodbyes to Ngoc Lan, Dusan, and Konrad who will all be heading home soon. There's a long line of people going into the tunnel and he's the very last to enter. The only thing he has with him is his suitcase...something tells me he's not going to have enough clothes for this expedition. He runs up to somebody and asks him if they're walking uphill. The guy replies that they are because it prevents flooding. Then he adds a bombshell that Paul wasn't ready for (and thank God he found out about it now!): It's just a few hours climb before they descend to the vault and that entire walk will take eleven hours. Ugh, no thank you! 

Paul looks ahead at the people who are walking towards the vault, then back at the door which is still open, about half a mile away. Two guys are about to shut the door (and once the door shuts, it will be shut for good!) and he starts booking it, yelling at them not to shut it. He barely makes it out (and has to leave his suitcase because it gets stuck) and his three friends are still waiting for him outside. 

Can you imagine if he hadn't gotten that information about the eleven hour walk until one minute later? He might have not made it out in time! Also, how could he not have already known this information before he went? It seemed like this was just a spur-of-the-moment decision he made with no thought behind it whatsoever. Yeah, I'm sure the eleven hour walk didn't seem like a fun time to him, but I feel like if he really wanted to do this, he would have endured it.

They go back home and back to their lives.

This movie was interesting, but not my favorite. It gets pretty preachy at times. Honestly, if you want to watch a movie about people who become small, go see Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It's much more entertaining, not to mention much shorter (I swear, that was not meant to be a pun!). Also, in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, you are constantly reminded that the kids are small (Anty, Rick Moranis almost eating his son who fell in his Cheerios, the entire backyard, the Lego, etc. etc.), while in Downsizing, I would literally forget that they're supposed to be tiny. 

Retirement in Outer Space

Cocoon: The Return

Director: Daniel Petrie 

Cast: Wilford Brimley, Don Ameche, Jessica Tandy, Hume Cronyn, Jack Gilford, Steve Guttenberg, Courteney Cox, Maureen Stapleton, Gwen Verdon, Tahnee Welch, Elaine Stritch

Released: November 23, 1988

When I reviewed Cocoon seven years ago, I briefly mentioned its sequel. I sort of spoiled a major plot point of that movie and I would feel bad about that, except for that fact that a) this movie is over 30 years old, and b) this movie is pretty bad and unnecessary. Don't get me wrong. I love the first movie just for the nostolgia of it, but it absolutely makes no sense there's a sequel. Even Ron Howard, who directed the first movie, thought it was unnecessary and pointless to have a sequel, thus the reason he didn't direct it. 

Sure, it's fun to see the old (literally in this case!) gang back, but other than that, you're left wondering why the hell they're back.

Let's just get on with the review, shall we? First of all, even though this movie came out in 1988, it takes place in 1990. I guess they wanted it set five years after the original. I knew the first movie was set in Florida (heh, I just noticed that I have Jessica Tandy films representing Florida, Georgia, and Alabama and she's originally from England), but in the sequel I learn they're in St. Petersburg. They may have mentioned that in the first movie and I just forgot. It was filmed there as well, and my God, the water is absolutely stunning wherever they filmed a scene where they're at the beach...crystal blue waters that looks so inviting. Obviously the Gulf side is more picturesque than the Atlantic side. 

This movie wants to quickly get to the point of having the senior citizens back on Earth. Just a quick recap of the first film (in case you don't want to read my review): Three elderly couples become friends with aliens who can disguise themselves as humans and they learn they're from a planet called Antarea where one never grows old, never gets sick, and never dies. Rivendell must be their sister city! They live in a retirement community called Sunny Shores and pretty much everyone who lives there ends up going to live in Antarea. I was always a little suspicious of Antarea and voiced it in my Cocoon review: 

Seriously, would you go to another planet? You don't know what you're going to find when you get there. All these old people may be getting scammed! They're too naive! And even if where they were going did provide immortality, who would want to live forever? I feel like that would be more of a curse than a blessing.

Well, luckily they never got scammed, although we never do see a second of Antarea (although it will be described (barely, though!) for us.) At first, I was disappointed, but then I was kinda of relieved, because, let's be honest, it probably would have looked terrible. They didn't really have the technology in the late '80s to create a utopian planet. Anyway, besides David (the grandson of one of the couples) and a few other select people, everyone else thinks they were lost at sea and have been dead all this time. Including David's mom. 

It always irked me that Ben and Mary (Wilford Brimley and Maureen Stapleton) boarded the spaceship because in the first movie it was established they were close with their grandson, David (especially Ben). Now I'm sure the others had family they were leaving behind, but we never really heard about them, so it didn't really both me as much that they left Earth. I just never bought it that Ben and Mary would leave their grandson (or the daughter...I assume David's mom was their kid and not his dad because we don't really see/hear from his dad). 

So like I mentioned earlier, the movie just wants to jump right into the plot. And it does exactly that when we see David (probably 14/15, hell I don't know how old he's supposed to be!) in his room doing his homework while watching TV at the same time. His mom is downstairs and hears the TV and tells him to turn it off. He does, but it keeps coming on even after he keeps clicking it off. He gets up to inspect it and suddenly it turns to static before we see his grandpa telling him they're coming to visit because their friends have "some unfinished business to do there" so he and Grandma are hitching a ride. 

Dear Lord, I have so many questions:

-Is this the first time Ben has communicated with his grandson this way? I honestly couldn't tell. David seemed a little surprised by seeing his grandpa, but not that surprised. I would think if this wasn't the first time, David would realize why the TV was acting up and wouldn't be banging on it and acting so confused. So his grandparents have been gone for five years and they just realized they could communicate with their grandson this way? What the hell have they been doing all this time? You think they would try some way to communicate with him after all this time. Hmm, I guess I only had one question. But you have to admit it was a pretty valid one! 

Ben also tells David that he's going to have to tell his mom the truth which is pretty hilarious. "Uh, Mom, Grandpa and Grandma weren't 'lost at sea'. They actually boarded a spaceship with the other old people you thought were lost at sea and a couple of new aliens friends and flew to a planet called Antarea where they will spend the rest of eternity." I mean, I would be very concerned if I were this boy's mother! Sadly, we never get this scene where he tells her what actually happened, we just get a scene of her telling him that she doesn't believe him and that maybe he should talk to someone (i.e. she thinks he's crazy), but at least we get the rebuttal where David insists that they "really did go to another planet." He sounds so insane that I really don't blame his mom for not believing him. As they're talking, the doorbell rings and you know its gonna be the grandparents. I don't know how long it's been since David received the message from his grandpa, but in movie time, it's only been a few minutes. His mother answers the door and faints when she sees her parents. After this scene, we will never see her again. I didn't even bother to remember her name. I honestly don't even remember how much screen time she had in the first movie, but it had to be more than this! We never see her wake up after fainting and asking her parents question or anything. Is she just unconscious throughout the rest of the movie? 

Well, I assume she must have woken up from fainting and we just never see her again because Ben and Mary don't seem at all concerned about her as the next morning they're making breakfast and dancing while the radio plays, "You Make Me Feel So Young". Also, there's some shameless promoting going on while the camera lingers on the radio which is next to a box of Quaker instant oatmeal. If you're old enough, you might remember Wilford Brimley as the spokesperson for Quaker Oats. Speaking of Wilford Brimley, I learned something that I never knew before. He was only 49 years old when he filmed the first movie. This blew my mind. To put it in perspective, here are the ages of the other actors when the first movie came out:

Don Ameche: 77

Hume Cronyn: 74

Jessica Tandy: 76

Gwen Verdon: 60 (To be fair, that's pretty young for a person to live in an assisted living residence, especially a vivacious one, such as her character, but it's still not 49!)

Maureen Stapleton: 60

Jack Gilford: 77

I assume all the characters are suppose to be around the same age, probably mid-70s. I don't know, if I were 49, I would be a little insulted that I got cast to play a senior citizen in their 70s, ha! I guess this explains why Wilford Brimley was the last of the cast to die in 2020 when all the others passed away in the 90s or early '00s. 

The natural born humans aren't the only ones to return to Earth, they have also come with Kitty (Tahnee Welch) and those two random guys who don't have any lines. Walter (the main alien guy from the first movie played by Brian Dennehy) isn't there, but he'll show up for a few minutes at the end. Remember, Kitty and the two guys are aliens, but they're disguised as humans. It's all very Third Rock From the Sun. Kitty is a very attractive human woman and Jack (Steve Guttenberg) is happy (and a little surprised) to see her at the marina where he works, giving tours on his glass bottom boat. At one point, we see him wear a shirt that says "My grandma saw the Lost Treasure of the Florida Keys and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" that he sells at his gift kiosk. This is about the only scene we see Jack wear a shirt too. It is blatantly hilarious how often we see Steve Guttenberg shirtless in this movie. Or at the very least, he's wearing a shirt, but it's unbuttoned. Yeah, they're in Florida and I could forgive them if he was swimming or something, but he's usually not! 

Kitty tells Jack that they have come back because the cocoons are in danger and "The sensors that [they] left on the bottom of the ocean floor indicate seismic activity" so they have come to take their friends away. To tell you the truth, I don't even know why they have cocoons on another planet. I probably should have rewatched the first movie. I did read my review of the first movie, but didn't find any answers. So apparently this is the "unfinished business" Ben told his grandson about. Why did they even bring the old folks? They have four days to rescue their pod friends. So you're telling me they took a trip from outer space to Earth for only four days? I wouldn't go to Europe for only four days and that only takes, like, eight hours to fly there....not eight months (I'm just speculating how long it takes to fly from Antarea to Earth, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's how long this fictional journey took!). This has to be the worst travel plans ever. 

Now you may remember Bernie (Jack Gilford) as the only person of this old people friend group who did NOT get on the spaceship (smart man, in my opinion!). His wife died in the first movie and he still misses her terribly. Bernie is still at Sunny Shores even though I thought that place had closed down since all the other residents left to go to Antarea. But then again, they're in Florida and there is no shortage of senior citizens in Florida! After we see a scene of Bernie talking to his wife at her gravesite, he's in his room, attempting to hang himself, but it's not working. He hears a knock on his door right before he's going to step off the table and tells whoever is on the side to wait a minute, but once he realizes it's not his day to die, he just gives up with the suicide attempt and answers the door. And it's a good thing his suicide attempt didn't work because he finds his friends who he hasn't seen for the past five years and is thrilled to see them. This includes Art (Don Ameche), Joe (Hume Cronyn), Alma (Jessica Tandy), and Bess (Gwen Verdon). Joe and Alma are married (as were Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy were in real life....so cute!) and Art and Bess were a thing in the first movie and must have gotten married while in Antarea....or maybe they got married in the first movie and I don't remember. Who knows. All I know is that they're married now. 

Bernie thinks his friends have come back to Earth for good, but they're not. They don't want to tell him until he's ready to handle the news. I honestly still don't know why they're there. They have nothing to do with helping Kitty and the two other guys retrieve the pods. And I can't blame Bernie for thinking they returned for good.

Joe and Art meet Ruby (Elaine Stritch), a woman who runs the motel they're staying at until they leave. At first I thought Art was gonna have thing for her and cheat on his wife, but then I quickly realize she's gonna be used to be set up with Bernie.

Joe, Art, and Ben stop at Sunny Shores to retrieve Bernie to take him to the beach and as they're leaving, a male nurse tells them to stop and that Bernie's supposed to be in his "rug hooking class." Seriously. Like, why is that mandatory and how would he know where he's supposed to be? Art tells him to take his hands off Bernie and the nurse asks, "Or what?" in a challenging voice and calls him "an old coot". What he doesn't know is that he's messed with the wrong senior citizen! He may be in his 70s, but living in Antarea has rejuvenated him and he is easily able to bodyslam the bigger and younger nurse to the floor. It is hilarious because he literally just assaulted this guy and all the residents around them are applauding. Obviously, nobody likes this bully nurse. 

While at the beach, they see some college girls in bikinis frolicking on the beach and Joe tells the other guys that those girls "need some mature male company." Eww. There's a scene of three of the four old men (guess which one isn't participating?) playing keep away with a beachball while the girls are giggling and acting like airheads. I'm sorry, but there's no way a bunch of college girls would be frolicking and giggling with three senior citizen men...unless they were billionaires or something! 

Meanwhile, Jack has taken Kitty and the two guys on his boat where they are getting ready to scuba dive to retrieve the cocoons. We get a stupid joke where Jack tells Kitty, "You're my favorite martian." If this joke was used today (which it wouldn't be), it would go over everybody's head. At least people of a certain age. I've heard of My Favorite Martian (a TV sitcom from the mid-60s; I had to look that part up), but I've never seen it.

While the others are scuba-diving, Jack sees a boat from the St. Petersburg Oceanographic Institute and they have captured a cocoon. Ruh-row! Now we are introduced to these characters, but the only one you really need to know is Sara (played by a pre-Friends Courteney Cox). Trust me, I wouldn't have remembered her name if it wasn't the same as mine and probably would have just called her Monica! 

At the lab at the Oceanographic Institute, they are taking X-rays of the cocoon and one guy think it's a meteorite, but Sara doesn't think it came from the sky because it doesn't have the markings that would be characteristic of one. In the X-ray, they see a human form. Think a fetus, but an adult version of one. They are literally seeing a human shape in this cocoon and nobody is freaking out. They all seem pretty chill that there's a life form inside this giant rock. Okay, sure. 

Oh, and while all this is happening, Jack, Kitty, and the two random dudes have followed them so they know where their friend has been taken so they'll be able to rescue him later. And if you're wondering how the scientist from the Oceanographic Institute were able to find the cocoon so easily, it was because it was knocked out of its hiding space from an earthquake. It's not like they just left them laying around for people to easily find them. Cuz that would just be stupid. Jack is surprised when the aliens decide they're going to rescue their friend in three days. That will be right before their spaceship is set to arrive and take them back home. He tells them by then that they will have cut the cocoon open and start performing experiments on their friend. Hey, he's not totally wrong. 

They do eventually cut the pod open and Sara is all smiles at the weird and creepy alien being. It's obviously a human dressed up in some weird prosthetic with a glowing aura, so that just adds to the uncanniness. It is the most terrifying thing and I wouldn't be acting like it's some cute puppy that I discovered. Sara finds out she can communicate with the alien they have named "Phil" (no clue why....was that an alien on My Favorite Martian?) when he makes her watch beep. It beeps constantly and it's the most irritating sound. She finds it charming and cute, but I would find it super annoying and grating. She plays a game with him where they give him cards with shapes on it and she has the same cards and he has to guess what she has and he gets them right, so I guess he's clairvoyant? It honestly goes nowhere so it doesn't matter. 

Sara finds out they want to give the alien to the government because they believe "there's a genuine national security issue." Not sure what Phil has done to make them believe that. It's not like he's trying to take over the world and destroying mankind like the aliens in Independence Day! These aliens seem pretty peaceful and just want to lay low. 

Kitty and the other aliens know the the cocoon has been opened (I guess they can sense it? IDK! I don't question it!). They think their friend will be okay for a little while (yeah, as long as he doesn't get dissected!), but if he doesn't get an "infusion of life force soon, he'll weaken quickly." 

Ben bonds with his grandson when he sees that David is not very good at baseball (he plays on a a team and his other teammates make fun of him for how much he sucks) and helps him with his batting skills. It's a good thing David has his grandparents to look after him since his mom is God knows where. Ben and Mary discuss how they're getting older on Earth (what the eff? They're only there for four days, so it's not like they're getting that much older! I'm sure four days isn't going to put a dent in the aging process, good Lord!), but they're happy to be back to spend some quality time with their grandson (but apparently not their daughter!). 

Since the senior citizens are only on the planet for a few days, they are keen on getting down to boogie! Maybe they don't have social events like this on Antarea. Who knows. We barely hear anything about this mysterious planet except that you never get sick or age. The three couples are out dancing while Bernie is sitting at a table by himself. Ha, out of all these old people, I'm totally the Bernie of the group. His friends join him and Art tells him, "I see something that will get his juices flowing" and we see that he's looking at Ruby who's sitting at the bar. They must have invited her over because the next thing we see is all the old people sitting around the (extremely tiny!) table talking and joking. Ruby tells them, "You are my kind of group. Most people our age are a pain in the ass." Heh, as somebody who works with senior citizens, no comment! (But many of them are lovely!) I love when Bernie deadpans, "Most people our age are dead" and at first they're shocked, but then they start laughing. Bernie proceeds to do a bunch of impressions including Laurel and Hardy, then does a very specific impression which is of "an eagle who just found out his teenage daughter's pregnant." I have to admit, I didn't really get that one, but, weirdly, he did kind of look like an eagle. I was a bit confused why he was doing a comedy routine because it seemed so out of character for Bernie, but after looking up Jack Gilford's Wikipedia page, it made sense because he started his career doing impressions and I'm sure Laurel and Hardy and an eagle were just some that he did! 

Ruby tells Bernie that he's adorable and gives him a kiss on the lips. Wow, she's certainly forward! Bernie doesn't like that and I can't blame him. He tells her he's a married man and she's confused because his friend had told her that he was single. Let's just say the evening does not end well for either one of them.

While writing this review, it's only now I'm realizing just how much stuff is crammed in this movie and these old people are sure doing a lot in the few days they're visiting Earth! I mean, I get it, they want to try to get as much done as they can before they go back to their home on an entirely different planet and who knows what you can do on Earth that you can't do on Antarea. 

Alma is walking through a park near the beach when she sees a little girl bump her head on the playground equipment. The girl starts crying so Alma goes over to the woman who's trying to comfort the girl (at first I assumed she was the girl's mother, but I think she just ran the playgroup the girl was a part of) and asks if she can help. She then proceeds to cover the girl's head with her hands and a glowing light appears and the girl stops crying. The woman asks Alma to watch the rest of the children while she takes the girl to the first aid station. I love how this woman just leaves the rest of the children with this elderly woman she just met. Yes, Jessica Tandy has the friendliest and kindest face in the world, but she's a 75-year-old woman who probably won't be able to chase after a child if one decides to run away. 

The only time we learn anything remotely about Antarea is when Alma has gathered the children around the swing set and is telling them a "story" about the planet. We learn that they can float there and there are three pale pink moons. Also, apparently there's no ice cream? What kind of hellhole is this? 

Later that day, Alma tells her husband that she's been offered a job by the woman who runs a preschool for foster children. First of all, why is this woman offering a 75-year old a job? And I know the woman doesn't know it, but Alma and Joe are leaving in two days anyway. Joe points this out and Alma replies she wanted the fantasy of getting a job offer to last a little longer. I don't know, but when I'm 75, I doubt I would call getting a job offer a "fantasy". 

So what had Joe been doing earlier that day? Glad you asked cuz now we're about to get to my favorite scene of the movie and it's my favorite scene because it's so hilarious and ridiculous. Actually, now that I think of it, there might be a scene even more hilarious and ridiculous than this one if you can believe it. Joe, Ben, Art, and Bernie are about to eat lunch at a picnic table near a basketball court and a ball bounces over the fence and splatters Bernie with ketchup when it lands on the table. The four young guys (probably in their twenties) who were playing basketball, come over to retrieve their ball and they get in an altercation with the older men when Bernie starts complaining about what happened. Ben bets the younger guys $10 they (the older crew) can make eleven baskets before the young crew can. Why eleven and not ten, don't ask me. Also, ten dollars seems cheap even in 1990 money. 

The game starts and Bernie is just standing there. After one of the older men make their second basket, one of the young guys says, "No more charity, now we're gonna play." Okay, I can see him saying that if the older guys had made five or six baskets, but you're getting scared because they made two baskets? And you're seven baskets ahead of them? Really? In hindsight, I guess they should have been worried, but it seems a little premature to get worried about it now. 

Ben calls a time out after the older guys are beating them nine to two and Joe and Art huddle with him. I love that Bernie is not even involved because he could care less. Ben tells his friends it's time they show them "what they learned" and this is when all play basketball like they're Michael Jordan....why they didn't do this from the beginning, you got me. There's even one ridiculous moment where Joe makes a basket and he's literally floating in the air (due to awful special effects) and none of the younger guys even question this at all. They must have seen it! Somebody other than the Antarean residents must have seen that because a few people have gathered around the court, outside the fence and are cheering the old geezers on. There is this hilarious moment where they two twelve year old on bike give each other a high five and it's so dorky. It was so hilariously bad that I had to share it with you:

Obviously, the older men win and collect their winnings. During the game, Joe writhes in pain, but nobody seems to notice. Unfortunately, we will later learn that this is due to his leukemia coming back, which he was diagnosed with in the first movie, but it disappeared once he started soaking in the pool with the pods. The doctor he sees tells him he doesn't know if he has six months or six years left. I'm confused. He's going back to Antarea in two or three day, right? (At this point, I have no clue how many days are left in their short visit to Earth). So as long as he doesn't drop dead before then, he should be okay....unless I'm not factoring in the four month (presumably) journey back to Antarea. That could pose a problem....unless they have their life forces on the spaceship. Ugh, the problem with this movie is that we don't have enough information about how these life forces work and where they're kept. I mean, it's not the only problem with this movie! 

There's a cute scene of the ladies trying on fancy old-lady clothes at a store, like they're in Pretty Woman. This scene pretty much confirms that Jessica Tandy was the most adorable old lady who ever lived. Bess ends up fainting and we later find out that she is pregnant. WTF? This woman is no younger than sixty, how the hell can she be pregnant? We see a montage of her and Art getting ready for their baby and this includes them shopping for baby clothes. It I were in that store and saw them, I would just think it's an old couple shopping for an upcoming grandchild. We also see them in a lamaze class where the much younger couples are just staring at them. Why are they even bothering with this when, again, they are only on the effing planet for three days and also, how are they not getting on the news for being the oldest couple ever to have a baby? Honestly, I think they just threw this lame plot twist in because they had nothing for Bess to do. 

Also, I have a question that probably is never going to be answered, so I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask it, but how does this age thing work on Antarea? Like, are you always the age you are when you go there or do you stop aging at a certain point? Cuz if it's the former, their baby is going to remain a newborn forever! And that sounds terrible....for everyone! 

Ruby and Jack go on a second date and everything seems to be going pretty well (he tells her he thinks she's pretty and they kiss) until they're dancing and he thinks he see his wife. Ruby tells him his wife is dead and he's alive and that he's using his wife as "an excuse so [he doesn't] have to go on living." It is a little amusing because Ruby and Jack's first wife, Rose, are just so different. Let me give you a side by side comparison:

Okay, it's not really side by side, but one above the other, but whatever. Rose gives off a grandmotherly vibe who likes to bake cookies and sew while Ruby is more of a Blanche Devereaux type. They just give off totally different vibes. By the way, I was pretty proud of myself because I had no idea Elaine Stritch was in this movie, but when I first saw her in a scene I thought it was Elaine Stritch and I looked it up and I was right! 

It probably won't surprise you that in the end, Jack and Ruby reconcile and things between them at the end are good. 

We get some foreshadowing when Ben and Mary are talking about how much they miss being around their grandson and how they missed his 14th birthday (uh....didn't they miss his previous last five birthdays and won't they miss seeing him grow up?). Mary indeed does point out they they've missed the last five years of David's life and tells her husband that she wants to stay so they can all be together. Yes, Mary! That's what you should have said in the first movie! Ben tells her everyone around them is sick and dying and doesn't want that to happen to her. Okay, is this really true? He doesn't even know that Joe's cancer has returned and besides Bernie's wife, who else do they know that has died in the last few years? I feel like Ben is being a tad hyperbolic here. Mary tells him that people shouldn't outlive their children. She forgot to mention people also shouldn't outlive their grandchildren! 

Now we get the most ridiculous and stupidest scene of the movie when Kitty "shows" Jack his future when he's bemoaning he'll never find anyone to share his life with. And the worst part is that this scene is supposed to be taken seriously! In any other movie, this would have been seen as satirical. Kitty tells Jack to close his eyes and places her hand on his forehead and this allows her to show him his future. Um, okay, this is a new development with these Antarean aliens, but never mind that! Jack's "current self" is walking by a lake and he's either wearing pajamas or leisure wear....I don't know what he's wearing, but his shirt is unbuttoned. He comes across a large house that's painted white (I can't just type "White House" because it literally just capitalizes it....yeah, like that) with black shutters and pillars. He sees two young girls with a maid/nanny in the front yard (where an old fancy car is parked....I don't know my cars, but I'm sure it's expensive). The girls looks like extras from Mary Poppins, dressed in sailor dresses and large brimmed hats with ribbons that tie around their chins. Like, what century are we in? We see a woman dressed in a matching dress and hat come out the front door. You can't see her face because it's hidden by the hat, but it's so obvious it's Courteney Cox. After all, she's the only other woman in the movie that's Jack's age aside from Kitty, but we know Jack can't have a future with Kitty because a) she's an alien, b) she lives on an entirely different planet, and c), she's an alien! The "mystery" woman brushes her hair back and we see she has a birthmark in the shape of a heart on her neck, behind her ear.

I though the outfit Jack is wearing just strolling about is ridiculous, but then the front door opens and he sees his future self (and keep in mind the is probably only a few years in the future) walk out looking absolutely ridiculous in a navy blue suit jacket and yellow tie and white pants and he's smoking a pipe (wonder what's in that pipe?). He hugs the girls, then the woman. It's so obvious that this is his family in the near future. Either Sara makes a good living as a scientist or he got a better job because I don't know how he's affording all these things.

It's the last day of the senior citizen's field trip to Earth and they have found out about Phil, so they tell Kitty that they'll help her get her friend back since the Antareans have given them so much and they want to help. She tells them that the spaceship will meet them at the rendezvous point at midnight and if they have any "unfinished business" today is the day to do it. Duh, Kitty, they only have one last day on Earth. Also, why are they only visiting for four days? This is so stupid. And....I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CAME BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE! It sure damn well wasn't to rescue their friend because at that point they didn't even know there would be any rescuing to do! This movie literally makes zero sense. They still haven't told Bernie that they're not staying and Art tells the others they need to tell him, but he conveniently overheard everything and now he's mad. 

Apparently Alma took the job at the day care because we see her playing kickball with the kids and the ball goes into the street. (Why are they letting young children play by a busy street?) A stupid young boy chases the ball and Alma runs after him. Of course, she saves the boy from getting hit by a car and she gets hit instead. She's taken to the hospital where the doctor tells Joe that she won't make it through the night. Remember when Alma healed that young girl's bruised head with her glowing powers? Well, Joe uses his powers to heal his wife. I wonder why he couldn't do the same for himself. Maybe it only works on exterior body ailments or he ran out of power. She wakes up and tells him she dreamed something was pulling her further and further away but he wouldn't let her go. Joe is the one that ends up dying because of his cancer. I figured one of our older characters was going to die when they retuned to Earth. 

After Joe has died, Ben and Art are walking on the beach. Art says, "We never should have come back. If we stayed put, this never would have happened." Duh, you think? Also, his line should have been, "We never should have made this movie."! 

Before his grandparents leave, David gifts his grandfather with a baseball that he has written "I love you, Grandpa" on it. Even if I didn't already know that his grandparents would end up staying, I feel pretty confident that I would have correctly predicted it. We get this scene, plus the other scenes where Mary keeps telling her husband how much stuff they're missing by not being on the same planet as their daughter and grandson. I also love that we still haven't seen David's mother since she fainted. I just picture her still being unconscious by the front door. 

So Ben and Art go to the science facility to help Kitty and Jack rescue Phil while the other women are....doing something. I honestly don't remember. I won't bore you with the details, but it consists of Kitty changing into her alien form. Actually, I don't really remember, but the rescue operation is successful and Sara sees them running away with the alien and she yells at them to stop, but Ben tells her that this is their friend and they're taking him home so she just lets them go. This place has the worst security ever. Oh, and David was there to help them because apparently he was able to sneak in the trunk of his grandparents' car without them noticing and this isn't revealed to the audience until we see him get out of the trunk. I love how his grandfather isn't even that surprised when he sees David at the facility, he just tells him to hold the door open for him. 

So now everyone is at the boat which is where the spaceship will pick them up (just like in the first movie). Ben thanks David for his help and tells him after all that, hitting a baseball should be easy? Huh? He literally just held a door open....how is that like hitting a baseball? David tells him he wishes he could be there to see his games and without any fanfare, his grandfather replies, "We will be" and his wife starts crying (from happiness, I hope). Seriously, if I were Mary, I would be a little peeved. She has been telling him all this time that they should stay and he's like no, no, no, but then when he decides they should stay, they stay. What the hell? Actually, I thought Bernie and Ruby might take their place, but it wouldn't be in Bernie's character to go so I'm glad that prediction didn't come true. Alma is also staying so she can continue to work at the day care, but I think she's staying only because her husband died and it would be too painful to live an eternity without him. But that's just my analyzation. 

So this means that Art and Bess are the only humans going back. What is the point of that if all their friends are staying on Earth? (And they'll all be in the same area on Earth!) Yeah, I know they're also friends with the aliens, but it's not the same. Oh, wait, I forgot other residents from Sunny Shores also went on the spaceship in the first movie, so I guess there are other humans there as well. I wonder if this is why they made Bess pregnant so they could have them raise their child on a different planet even though we will never see a second of this. 

This is when we see Walter, the main alien from the first movie, make a quick appearance to say a quick goodbye to everyone who's not coming back. 

It's at this point I'm wondering when are we going to see any interaction between Jack and Sara. After all, they're supposed to end up with each other and so far they haven't had any screen time together. The movie ends with Jack on his boat at night and Sara comes up and asks for some gas. She asks him because his boat was the only light she saw. Jack tells her he can give her a lift to the gas station which is down the way and she agrees. Uh....this is a great way to get murdered! A pretty, young woman accepts a ride from a random stranger in the dark of night. Yep, that's going to end well. (I listen to too many true crime podcasts.) Well, actually it does end well because if Kitty's promotions are right, they end up happily married and rich with two daughters. Or maybe she'll end up in New York, live in an extremely large apartment, change her name to Monica and become a chef and get married to another guy. Haha, a little Friends humor there. Oh, and this is when it's "revealed" to Jack and audience that Sara is the "mystery" woman with the heart-shaped birth mark. What a shock! It sure would have been nice to see those two meet in a previous scene and then we could have seen their relationship form instead of this random scene that felt more like an afterthought.

While the credits roll, we see clips of the first movie. It feels like they're trying to tell us that we just watched this movie because we loved the first movie so much, which is true, but it also reminds me of how much better the first movie is. Do yourself a favor and skip this movie and watch the first one! 

My Pet Raptor

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Director: J.A. Bayonne
Cast: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard Howard, James Cromwell, Rafe Spall, Toby Jones, BD Wong, Jeff Goldblum

Spoilers ahoy!

I know the new Jurassic World movies get a lot of flack, but I still enjoy them. I think they are much better than Jurassic Park's two awful sequels, but that isn't a very high bar to cross! Look, there are a lot of stupid things in this movie that don't make any sense at all, but we'll cover all of those. As you may remember, in the previous Jurassic World, which only took place three years prior, many people were killed after everything went to hell at the dino theme park. The park is gone, but the dinosaurs still roam the island where there's a volcano that's expected to erupt "at any moment." Hang on one second. Nobody checked with a geologist first to see if opening this park (that was only open three years before the volcano would erupt!) on this island would be a good idea? (Obviously, it was NOT a good idea with or without a volcano!) So even if dinosaurs hadn't gotten loose and killed a bunch of visitors, both people and animals would have died in the inevitable volcano eruption. That's really reassuring.

There's a global debate over what should be done about the dinosaurs. Do they deserve the same recognition as other endangered species? Should they be protected from the volcano or left to die on the island, as Ian Malcom (in a cameo reprised by Jeff Goldblum) suggests because they should have never been cloned in the first place. Of course Ian Malcolm is going to be against the rights of the dinosaurs. He's had two harrowing experiences with them. (Though I don't believe that The Lost World or JPIII are canon in this rebooted Jurassic universe, but correct me if I'm wrong).

Our two heroes from the previous movie, Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) go to the island to help an operation get the dinosaurs safely off of it. I understand why Owen is there because he has a relationship with Blue, one of the raptor he raised and trained in the previous movie. By the way, while I remember one raptor (there were four total) being killed in that movie, I don't remember two more also being killed, but apparently Blue is the only living raptor left. (Hmmm, I went back and read my review for that movie and I do mention only one raptor remains alive). It's a good thing Blue was the one who lived because she seems to have the best relationship with Owen. We see training videos of Owen working with the raptors when they were babies and Blue is the only one to show any sign of empathy. When Owen sees what would happen if he was vulnerable the other raptors try to attack him, but Blue tries to comfort him. And, yes, it is very cute. It doesn't make much sense for Claire to go, but ironically she is the one who has to persuade Owen to help her rescue the animals, namely Blue. When did Claire become such a bleeding heart for these animals? She never seemed to care much about them in the first movie; she only cared about the profit they brought in. But in this movie she is all about their rights and saving them. I will say she does seem more soft-hearted towards the herbivores, though!

Hey, that staff looks familiar!

She is recruited by Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), who is - get this - the partner of John Hammond. Uh...why were we never told this in Jurassic Park? Because they just made him up for this movie, that's why! He and his assistant, Eli Mills (Rafe Spall) have a plan to move as many species as they can to another island. However, while Lockwood's intentions are pure, Eli's are not and right when we met him I knew he was going to be a bad guy. In fact, a lot of the predictions I made about this movie came true, that's how transparent it was. He wants Claire and Owen to help him because Owen is the only one who can get Blue. Eli has plans to create a new dinosaur using Blue's DNA and the DNA from the Indominus Rex, which, you may remember, was the genetically created dinosaur from Jurassic World who was the one who started all the havoc and was eventually done in by the T-rex. The movie starts with two guys locating and collecting the remains of the I-Rex underwater. They and the little bubble contraption they're in are swallowed whole by the mosasaur, the huge aquatic dinosaur that makes a great white look like a guppy. When one of the men is trying to communicate with them, telling them he is going to shut the underwater gate, he (obviously) gets no reply. This guy has to be the stupidest person in this movie (although he has some contenders!) because when the other men on the truck are waving and screaming at him, he shouts, "What is going on? I can't hear you!" Uh...what do you THINK is going on? Let's see, you're on an abandoned island where dinosaurs are roaming freely and people are frantically shouting at you and telling you to get on the truck. Seriously, you would have to be a moron to not understand that there is probably a big dinosaur with big teeth somewhere in the area, and sure enough, the T-rex is right behind him. The other men make it to a helicopter and are able to fly away and they send down a rope to the man who manages to climb on it, just barely missing the chomping jaws of the T-rex. As they were flying over the water, I knew right away that the mosasaur was going to jump up and grab him, but I also thought he was also going to take the helicopter down with him, but it manages to fly away. I did re-watch the trailer and that scene is in it, so maybe subconsciously I must have remembered that, but I honestly didn't know it was in the trailer. There is another scene from the trailer that I remember vividly and I'll talk about that when I get there.

What is it with the new Jurassic movies creating new species of dinosaurs? Are the dinosaurs that actually

roamed the earth not scary enough? Do we need something more ferocious than the T-rex? It used to be that the velociraptor used to be the true villains of these movies, at least the first movie. I remember them in TLW, but don't think they were as prevalent and I'm sure they're in the third movie, but I don't remember anything about that movie (which is probably for the best!) But in these new movies, they have decided to make raptors friendly and cuddly pets. Okay, maybe not quite, but they have strangely become dinosaurs we're rooting for. They're still dangerous, but if you're Chris Pratt or a friend of Chris Pratt's, then they will not try to kill you. I guess this is why we need new dinosaurs to be the Big Bad.

This new dinosaur is to be called the Indoraptor and Mills has plans to create it to be trained and used as a weapon for military combat. This was brought up in Jurassic World by that movie's bad guy played by Vincent D'Onofrio and I was thinking to myself, Wait, where is he? before I realized, that duh, he was the bad guy in that movie, so of course he had a vicious death! Let it be known that if you are a bad guy in the Jurassic movies, you will get a horrible, gruesome death, although still not as  horrible and gruesome as the woman who worked for Claire and watched her nephews when they came to visit the park.

A paleo-vet working on her very first patient

Claire and Owen join a team led by a man named Wheatley (Ted Levine). He is a terrible character, pulling the teeth out of sedated dinosaurs to make a necklace and just treating the animals inhumanly all around, so you know he's going to get a horrible death. (Spoiler alert: he does!) There are two new characters who are brought in to help Claire and Owen. They are really there to serve a purpose: when the movie needs them, they show up, when they aren't needed they conveniently find a way to get a rid of them (and no, I don't mean they get eaten by dinosaurs...since they are on the good guy's team, they don't die). They are tech nerd Franklin (Justice Smith) who is there to help them with anything computer related and Zia (Daniella Pineda) is a paleo-veterinarian  who has never seen a dinosaur in her life...huh? She is there to help Blue who gets shot by one of the men who is there to aid in the capture the animal.

The volcano erupts and our heroes manage to make it on a boat that has secured many, but not all of the dinosaurs. (I actually have no idea how many dinosaurs were on the boat and how many were left on the island to perish). There is a really sad scene of a brachiosaurus bellowing and crying as she is being swallowed up by smoke and fire. Wasn't that how Little Foot's mother died in The Land Before Time?  If a baby brachiosaurus had come up to her, I surely would have lost it! (Although, technically, Little Foot and his mother were apatosauruses, which are (I think?) the same thing as a brontosaurus? IDK. It's a good thing I'm not a paleontologist! We do see a mother and baby triceratops which share a very tender Dumbo-esque moment which is very cute.

The boat is sailing back to the California coast where Lockwood's massive mansion is located. This house makes the house in Home Alone look like a shack. It's a residence, museum, and laboratory all combined in one huge building. There's also an underground system of cages where they keep the dinosaurs in. They have come to the building to be auctioned off.

A man named Eversol (Toby Jones) is heading the auction and he has brought a bunch of his wealthy clients from all over the world to the mansion to bid on the dinos. What exactly do they plan to do with these dinosaurs? We do hear that one man wants to buy a baby triceratops for his kid. (And major points to that kid if he names his new pet Cera). What happens when that baby grows up? I suppose a lot of these people are going to exploit these animals and have people pay to see them. We know the theme park in Jurassic World was open for ten years, but I always imagined that not even one percent of the world's population ever got to see it because the tickets had to be astronomical, not to mention the flight to Costa Rica. So there's probably a huge mass of people who have never even seen a dinosaur (like the veterinarian who has specialized in dinosaurs!) I do wonder about the one man who wanted to buy TWO carnivores. There's something shady with him. Also, how do these people plan to take their new pets home? How does the man from Indonesia plan to take his ankylosaurus home? (The one he got for a great deal for only ten million dollars. Seriously, does that seem pretty cheap to you for paying for a dinosaur? I know the ankylosaurus might not be as well known as the T-rex or a stegosaurus, but it was still an extinct creature brought back to life! Even the 21 million that was paid for another dinosaur (was it the allosaurus?) still seems quite low.) I would love to know who would have bidded on the T-rex and what they planned to do with that monstrosity. However, before we get a chance for her to be put up on the bidding block, all hell breaks loose.

As a "special treat", they bring in a prototype of the Indoraptor to show prospective buyers. It is not for sale as it still needs to be tweaked by the geneticist, Dr. Henry Wu (BD Wong). The Indoraptor looks similar to a raptor, but is bigger, as we will later see the two fighting each other. It is supposed to follow human command, which I find laughable because this thing does not look like it's very obedient! All the dinosaurs are brought out in cages and this one is snarling and snapping at the bars. Eversol demonstrates the effects of the new species by pointing a laser at some poor guy sitting in the front row (and he looks a little nervous!) The dinosaur locks on to him and when a trigger sound goes off, that is his signal to attack. I really thought he was somehow going to get out and kill the guy (not to mention everyone else in the vicinity), but that doesn't happen...yet. He does try his darnedest to get out! Even though this is only a prototype and not ready to be put on the market ( I don't think it will ever be ready!), it goes to an Eastern European guy for almost $30 million. I want to know what this guy plans to do with that creature!

This is around the time Owen makes a distraction by unleashing a

stygimoloch, a human-sized dinosaur that starts butting into people. Everyone runs out and the Indoraptor is left alone in its cage where Wheatley sees it and decides to sedate it and get one of its teeth for his necklace. In one of the stupidest scenes in the movie, as Wheatley is attempting to pull one of the teeth, we see the dinosaur open its eye, then close it again and almost smile in a cartoony way. It literally made me groan out loud. Why do we need that scene? Of course we know the dinosaur is still awake and is pretending to be out. Of course we know that this character, who has already been established to be a villain is going to get a horrible and gruesome death at the hands (or should I say teeth, haha) of this evil and terrible creature. We don't need the cute hints that this Big Bad is about to strike. It's so dumb. Well, of course Wheatley realizes the dinosaur is not out and gets his arm bitten off before being killed. The Indoraptor gets out of his cage where he kills and attacks Eversol in an elevator. There were about four other people in there as well and I assume they probably got it as well. I feel bad for them because they really didn't do anything wrong...

So now we have this creature (said to be the scariest in the Jurassic franchise...don't they say that with every new creature they create?) loose in the mansion. The only bad guy still alive is Eli and he has smothered Lockwood with a pillow. As with every movie that preceded this one, a child comes into play. This time, it's a young girl named Maisy who is the granddaughter to Lockwood. She spends most of the movie whispering, "Grandpa, Grandpa!" We assume she's the daughter of Lockwood's daughter who was killed in a car accident. But then we soon learn that she is not his granddaughter, but rather a CLONE of his daughter and Hammond cut his ties with him because he thought what he did was "unholy". Yeah, cloning humans...probably not a good idea. I mean, look how it worked out for Michael Keaton in Multiplicity.

Claire and Owen join up with the girl and they all get chased by the Indoraptor around the mansion. Supposedly this thing has a keen sense of smell, but somehow can’t sniff its prey out when they’re all literally right below its nose. I know she’s just a scared little kid, but Maisy does something really stupid that puts her as another contender for the stupidest person in the movie (though, she is a clone, so at least she has that excuse!): she runs away from Claire and Owen (who has a gun) and hides under the covers in her bed. Like that’s really going to help you. Also, her room is easily three times the size of my apartment. The shot of the claws reaching towards her in the bed is the one I remember from the trailer and I remember thinking, How is she going to get out of this one? I knew she was going to be okay because while the kids in Jurassic movies come very close to their demises, they never get killed off. At the very last second, Owen comes in with his gun and shoots the Indoraptor, but it doesn’t seem to affect it and when he runs out of bullets and is about to be cornered, who should come in and save him? Blue, his trusty pet velociraptor. I saw this coming a mile away. The two dinosaurs fight and the Indoraptor ends up falling into a glass ceiling and impaling itself on the horns of a triceratops model. 

Meanwhile, the other animals are dying from a poisonous gas that has been let lose and Claire wants to free them, but doesn't  know if she should, but Maisy steps in since they’re clones like her and they also are alive. Mmm, I don’t know if that was such a good idea, but I did feel bad for the dinos, so I may have done the same thing. We see them all running out of the building and of course Eli gets his comeuppance when he gets eaten by the T-rex. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen the T-rex eat anyone: I don’t think she had any human snacks in Jurassic World. It looks like the next movie is going to be about all these dinosaurs running amok on the West Coast and I’m sure plenty havoc is to be had. It also looks like the T-rex made her way to a zoo because she is shown roaring at a lion who roars back at her. Please…that lion would be shaking in its fur! 

Throughout the film I noticed some callbacks to the first movie. When they return to the island and are looking at the brachiosaurus in awe (the first dinosaur that dinosaur vet Zia has ever seen) is very similar to when Alan and Ellie see the brachiosaurus (in fact, it might even be the same one). The scene where they’re running away from the erupting volcanos and all the other dinosaurs join them reminds me of the scene where Grant, Lex, and Tim are running away from the flock of Gallimimus. The scene in this movie is a little more alarming because not only are they trying to not get struck by hot spewing lava rocks, but every type of dinosaurs is running in their direction: not just ostrich-sized ones. It’s really a wonder nobody got trampled on. And the scene that gave m a real flashback to Jurassic Park was when Maisy, who is running away from the Indoraptor, gets into a dumbweighter and is desperately trying to shut the door and manages to pull it down a second before it reaches her. This obviously reminds me of the scene from the original movie when Lex gets into a pantry with the same kind of door and wants the raptor to come to her to get it away form Tim, but she can’t shut the door and it ends up attacking her reflection. 

I did learn some new things from this movie: I learned about dinosaurs I’ve never heard of before like the aforementioned ankylosaurus, and stygimoloch, the baryonyx, and the carnotaurus.