Showing posts with label 2000. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2000. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Strength and Honor

Gladiator
Director: Ridley Scott
Cast: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Connie Nielsen, Oliver Reed, Dijimon Hounsou, Richard Harris, Derek Jacobi, Spencer Treat Clark
Released: May 5, 2000

Oscar nominations

Best Picture (won)
Best Director - Ridley Scott (lost to Steven Soderbergh for Traffic)
Best Actor - Russell Crowe (won)
Best Supporting Actor - Joaquin Phoenix (lost to Benicio Del Toro for Traffic)
Best Original Screenplay - David Franzoni, Josh Logan, and William Nicholson (lost to Cameron Crowe for Almost Famous)
Best Art Direction -Set Decoration (lost to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)
Best Cinematography (lost to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)
Best Costume Design (won)
Best Visual Effects (won)
Best Editing (lost to Traffic)
Best Original Score - Hans Zimmer (lost to Dun Tan for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)
Best Sound (won)


Oh, man, this movie has so many great quotes:

"Are you not entertained? Are. You. Not. Entertained?"

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"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the North. General of the Felix Legions. Loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next." 

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"What would you have me do, Ceasar?"

"I want you to become the Protector of Rome after I die. I will empower you to one end alone. To give power BACK to the people of Rome and end the corruption that has crippled it. Will you accept this great honor that I have offered?"

"With all my heart, no."

"Maximus! That is why it MUST be YOU!"

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"You won your freedom?"

"A long time ago, the Emperor presented me with a rudius. It's just a wooden sword. The symbol of your freedom. He touched me on the shoulder, and I was free."

"Ha, ha, ha. You knew Marcus Aurelius?"

"I did not say I knew him! I said he touched me on the shoulder once!"  

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"I knew a man once who said, 'Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.'"

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"Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome." 

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 "The General who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking Story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?

"You would fight me?"

 "Why not? Do you think I am afraid?"

"I think you've been afraid all your life." 

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"Now we are free. I will see you again...but not yet...not yet!"

This was only the third time I've seen this movie and it had been quite a long time since I last saw it, but I could still quote many lines from the movie. This is because I owned Gladiator: More Music from the Motion Picture (as well as the original soundtrack!) and there are lines of dialogue over some of the score. I have listened to the soundtrack so many times that I could hum every note of pretty much each scored scene. 

The film opens with a quick history lesson, telling the audience that the Roman Empire "was vast, stretching from the deserts of Africa to the borders of Northern England" and that "over one quarter of the world's population lived and died under the rule of the Caesars." It is 180 AD (so a looooong time ago) and Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris) is the Emperor. 

Maximus (Russell Crowe) is a general who has just lead the Roman army to victory in a battle. When Marcus Aurelius asks how he can award him, Maximus just wants to go home to see his wife and young son who he hasn't seen in almost three years. But Marcus Aurelius has other plans for him and tells him, "There is one more duty I ask of you before you go home...I want you to become the protector of Rome after I die." He wants him to "give power back to the people of Rome" and "end the corruption that has crippled it." Maximus thinks this should go to somebody who understands Rome's politics and Marcus Aurelius wants it to be Maximus because he "has not been corrupted by politics." When he asks about Marcus Aurelius's own son, Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), he is told, "Commodus is not a moral man." Marcus Aurelius is adamant that he "must not rule." (Ruh-roh, we all know that this is not going to end well!) He tells Maximus, "You are the son I should have had." Ouch! Good thing Commodus didn't hear that! He also adds that Commodus will accept his decision because "he knows that [Maximus] commands the loyalty of the army." 

Well, guess who isn't too happy when he is told he will not be the emperor? I'll give you zero guesses because you should know this. Maximus is "to hold in trust until the Senate is ready to rule" and that "Rome is to be a Republic again." Because Commodus doesn't take too kindly to this news, he ends up killing his father by suffocating him. Surprise! Guess who's now the new Emperor? Again, I'll give you zero guesses. When Commodus informs Maximus that his father is dead, Maximus asks how he died and Commodus tells him he died in his sleep. Uh-huh. I guess back then, they didn't really have the means to conduct autopsies. Plus, nobody was listening to true crime podcasts so nobody was quick to question this "sudden death" or be suspicious about it. Though, to be fair to Commodus, his father was a frail, old man, so him dying in his sleep probably wouldn't be that far-fetched. However, to also be fair to Maximus, he was way ahead of his time because he wants to talk to the council because he believes Marcus Aurelius was slain! Maximus knows what's up! Quintus, a Roman military officer and commander of the Praetorian guard, tells him, "The Emperor died of natural causes." It's clear who's side he's on (and, yes, I had to look up his info on the Gladiator movie Wikipedia page)!  

Because Maximus won't allege his loyalty to the new Emperor, the guards have been ordered to take him and "ride until dawn, then execute him." Why they need to ride until dawn, I'm not sure, but I suppose if they had just killed him on the spot, the movie would have been only forty minutes instead of two hours and thirty-five minutes.

When he asks for his family to be taken care of, he is told that they will meet him in the afterlife. Maximus is able to thwart his executioners and kill most of the guards before grabbing a horse and galloping off to make the long journey to his home. Maximus is referred as "the Spaniard" throughout the movie, so I'm guessing his home is in Spain? (Did Spain exist way back then? I mean, was it called that? I dunno.) Unfortunately, he is too late and his wife and son have already been brutally killed. He is so overcome by exhaustion and grief that he collapses and the next thing he knows, he is being carried on a stretcher-like thing (I'm sure that's not what they called it in 180 AD!) through the desert along with many men and animals. He has been found by slave traders and he is taken and sold in Zuccabar to a a gladiator trainer named Proximo (Oliver Reed). He needs "good stock" for his next fight and likes the looks of Maximus and a slave named Juba (Dijmon Hounsou) who will become Maximus's closest confidant. Proximo tells his gladiators in training, "I did not pay good money for you for your company. I paid it so that I could profit from your death." I would have thought they make money if their gladiator wins? 

Before their first fight, Coach Proximo gives them a "pep" talk: "Some of you are thinking, you won't fight. Some that you can't fight. They'll say that, until they're out there." He tells them to listen to the crowd chanting, "Kill, kill, kill." We'll soon learn this is the crowd's favorite word to chant during these fights. 

The whole concept of pitting men (and sometimes women as we'll see later) to fight against each other to the death is all kinds of messed up. I know we sometimes use the phrase, "That was a different time", but in this case, it really was a different time. It was a totally different era! 

The music right before they go into the arena is EPIC! Too bad they didn't have speakers in the Colosseum, or they could pump it through the arena and get the audience all pumped. Right before they run out, we see a big beefy guy clad in armor and waving around a chain with a spiked ball attached to it. Two seconds later a guy is bludgeoned with it. I was like, oh, okay, that's how we're gonna start things. Let's just say, this movie earned it's R rating!

This fight seems highly unfair as the big beefy guys are protected by armor and the slaves are only wearing rags. The slaves are partnered with someone and chained together, with maybe about two feet of leeway (I dunno, I could be totally wrong there). Maximus and Juba are partners and they work very well together; if these two were born in our time, they would have been great on The Amazing Race together! They run towards a big beefy guy, attaching him with the chain which they trip him with. We get the epic 360 camera shot of them as they look up and around the arena of the cheering audience. 

Between the first battle and the next one, we see the Emperor arriving in a very CGI Ancient Rome (complete with a fully built Colosseum!). Commodus tells his sister, Lucilla (Connie Nielsen), "I'll give the people a vision of Rome and they'll love me for it." 

Here are a few things you should know about, Lucilla: She has an eight-year-old son named Lucius Veras ("after his father"), she has been recently widowed, and Maximus if a former lover of hers. Oh, and Commodus has some icky incestuous feelings towards her which she definitely does not reciprocate. At one point, he wants her to "stay the night" with him, but she tells him she won't. He asks her to kiss him and she kisses him on the forehead, probably not what he had in mind! 

Now it's time for the second battle in the arena! Maximus is already a big hit with the crowd. As they're waiting for the fight, the crowd is yelling, "Spaniard! Spaniard!", which is what they call Maximus (before they learn his name). Maximus enters the arena and starts slicing and dicing some big beefy boys' metal shields and metal hats. He slices one guy at the waist and another guy in the chest, then sticks two swords in one guy's chest, then takes both of them out and decapitates him (keep in mind he's at least two feet taller than Maximus). If I were in that crowd, I definitely would be covering my eyes! Eugghghg! 

He throws one sword at the VIP tent (well, the equivalent of what it would be called today) and this is when we get the famous scene where he yells to his captivated audience, "Are you not entertained? Are. You. Not. Entertained? Is this not why you're here?" He throws down the other sword in disgust and the crowd just cheers and chants, "Spaniard! Spaniard!" They are very much entertained! 

Proximo sends for Maximum and tells him while he's good, he could "be magnificent." Maximus replies," I am required to kill, so I kill. That is good enough." Proximo tells him that is not enough for Rome (where they will be taking the show next) and that "the young emperor has arranged a series of spectacles to commemorate his father, Marcus Aurelius." He finds that amusing since it was Marcus Aurelius who closed them down. With a glint in his eye, he says they are "going back to the place where we belong", of course referring to the Colosseum. "Fifty thousand Romans watching every movement of your sword, willing you to make that killer blow." From the way he is talking, Maximus surmises that he was a gladiator and Proximo confirms it. Maximus asks if he won his freedom and Proximo tells him, "A long time ago, the Emperor presented me with a radius. It's just a wooden sword. The symbol of your freedom. He touched me on the shoulder and I was free." He gets haughty when Maximus starts laughing and asks him, "You knew Marcus Aurelius", to which he responds, "I did not say I knew him. I said he touched me on the shoulder once." 

Maximus says he also wants to stand in front of the Emperor as Proximo did and his mentor advises him, "Then listen to me. Learn from me." He says he wasn't the best because he "killed quickly", but because "the crowd loved me...win the crowd and you'll win your freedom." Maximus says, "I will win the crowd. I will give them something they've never seen before." 

Now it's time to take a roadtrip to Rome! Roam if you want to, indeed! Actually a journey from what I assume is probably modern day Morocco to Rome would SUCK. I can't ride a horse for more than two horses without my butt and legs getting sore. I can't imagine the horrendous trek that would be! I looked up the distance and it takes 32 hours to DRIVE that distance! With a modern car! Can you imagine if you had to walk it or go on horseback? I would be dead after the third hour! Luckily, we just get a ten second clip of them on their journey. 

When they reach the Colosseum, Maximus, Juba, and the others are looking at it in awe. Even though I know this particular Colosseum is CGI, it is pretty spectacular. The actual, real Colosseum in Rome today is quite impressive. How about some Colosseum fun facts? 

*It was built during 69-79 AD and completed in 80 AD. I have no idea how this is known, but there must be some record.

*It could hold 50,000 - 80,000 spectators, thus making it the largest standing amphitheater in the world.

*It was used for public events including executions, re-enactments of famous battles, dramas based on Roman mythology, and, of course, gladiatorial contests.

*It was ruined by earthquakes and stone robbers. The latter made me chuckle. 

*There were 80 entrances on ground level.

Okay, I think that's enough fun facts for now. There's a whole Wikipedia article you can read about it. Actually, I'm also sure there are more reputable sources about it! 

Before his first battle in the Colosseum, Lucilla's young son, Lucius (Spencer Treat Clark), is outside the gate where Maximus and the others are waiting and beckons him to come closer and asks if he's the one they call the Spaniard and Maximus confirms this. Lucius tells him he will be cheering for him and Maximus is surprised that this young boy is allowed to watch the games (so am I, Max, so am I!). Lucius tells him he's allowed to watched because "my uncle says it makes me strong." When asked about what his father thinks, Lucius tells him his father is dead. Are we sure about that? (Wink, wink.)

Before they enter the arena, they are given instructions to raise their weapons and salute the Emperor when he enters. They are NOT to turn their backs on him as it is a huge sign of disrespect. He tells them, "Go, and die with honor." 

A man named Cassius is the one who announces who will be fighting that day. He wears a wig with red curls and has these crazy eyebrows that slope up. He introduces Proximo's gladiator slaves as "the barbarian horde". In the arena, they are all facing forward as they were instructed, and Maximus, in the front, asks the group if anybody has ever served in the army and someone next to him says he served with him and Maximus tells him he can help: "Whatever comes out of these gates, we've got a better chance of survival if we work together...if we stay together we survive." Earlier when they were still in the...whatever the equivalent of locker rooms were called back then....., you could hear growling noises and was sure some wild cat would be coming through the gates. But no, that will be for another show! 

Several gates open around the Colosseum and a bunch of chariots being pulled by horses come rushing out. In each chariot are two people: one in front holding the reins and the other in back, wielding a weapon. In this case, there were many bows and arrows. I was quite shocked to see a woman (who gets a pretty nasty death when she's cut in half at the waist) in the arena, but I guess it happened. One particular guy in the crowd is getting a little into it and chanting, "Kill, kill, kill!" Like, settle down, dude! If he were living in this day and age he'd be the obnoxious guy at sporting events, standing up and yelling every three seconds. The woman is shooting arrows at her opponents and Maximus instructs everyone to stay close and they use their shield to protect themselves. 

At one point, I'm not sure exactly how it happened (because everything is moving so fast), they're able to tip one of the chariots over. This causes the other chariots to start crashing into each other and soon there's lots of carnage and many of the chariot riders are getting killed. Maximus gets on a horse that has escaped from one of the crashed chariots and uses a spear (which I believe he retrieved from one of the dead opposition) to throw at one of his enemies. There's a cool shot where he's coming around the arena and Juba shouts his name and throws a sword at Maximus which he catches and uses to cut any b*tch who gets in his way. 

Throughout this battle, we get some shots of Commodus who has some choice reactions. At one point he's sticking his tongue out and another time he's going "ooooh" in a sarcastic manner. 

There's lots of cheering from the crowd when everyone from the other side has died. I get the impression the crowd doesn't really care who wins/looses. They just want people to die and they'll cheer for the people who live (or, really, the people who killed off the other side). Commodus asks Cassius shouldn't have the barbarians lost this battle since that was the plan for them to die. He asks about the Spaniard and says he wants to meet him. Because Maximus is wearing an armored helmet that covers most of his face, Commodus has no idea who he is. 

The gladiators are told to drop their weapons, then Commodus comes out, flanked by a bunch of bodyguards. Maximus sees an arrow laying on the ground and discreetly picks it up, but then he sees that Lucius has ran up alongside Commodus and knows he can't do anything if a kid is there. (Though even if the kid wasn't there, would he really try anything with all those men with swords surrounding them, their duty being to protect Commodus?)

When Commodus asks him if he has a name, Maximus simply replies, "My name is Gladiator." The turns around and walks back toward the other men. This does not make Commodus happy: "How dare you show your back to me." He orders him to remove his helmet and tell him his name. With his back still turned toward him, Maximus removes his helmet, the turns to face him. This is when we get the "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius" quote. When he finishes with "I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next", Commodus is speechless and his main guard quickly orders the other men to surround him. He shouts, "Arms!" and they pull out their weapons. People in the crowd chant "Live! Live Live!" This is literally the only time when they're not shouting "Kill! Kill! Kill!" I'm honestly shocked, usually the crowd is blood thirsty. Commodus puts his arm out with his hand in a fist and everyone is waiting to see if he's going to give the thumbs up (that means you get to live) or the thumbs down (that means you die). Lucky for Maximus, he's given the thumbs up. Hmmm, that makes me think of something. Gimme a sec....haha, okay, it's a good thing Roger Ebert wasn't around during the Roman Empire or else Maximus would have died! Because he gave it thumbs down! I mean the movie, you know what I mean. 

Everyone in the crowd is cheering and Maximus puts his arm up in triumph and he knows he has the crowd's adulation as he looks around the arena at all his cheering fans. Now that people know his name, it's being shouted as he leaves the arena. 

I need to do a quick fashion corner before I resume. There's a couple times where Lucilla wears a dress with a ribbon (for a lack of a better word) that is wrapped around her stomach, goes under her breasts, and is weaved around low on her hips and around her arms. It's just so odd. It also looks like an annoyance to put on/wear. I tried Googling this look, but couldn't find anything. Who knows how accurate it is. 

Commodus asks his sister why Maximus is still alive and she tells him she doesn't know. He says one of my favorite lines in the movie (but not as iconic as many other lines) which is, "It vexes me. I am terribly vexed." This is a quote I may have used once or twice in my real life. Commodus is also not very happy as he was told that Maximus had died when he was taken to Germania to be executed and this means he was lied to!

Lucilla goes to visit Maximus in the prison where he's being held when he's not entertaining crowds and tells him that Commodus controls everything. He has enemies, most of them are in the Senate. While people follow him, "no one would dare stand up to him until [Maximus came along]." She asks him if he will meet a man who has dedicated his life to Rome if she can arrange a meeting with him. Maximus reminds her he is only a slave and may die in their prison or in the arena tomorrow and what difference can he make. He basically tells her to get the hell out and forget about him. 

Now it's the second time in the Colosseum. That Cassius sure likes to blow a lot of smoke before the show starts because he's just keeps talking and talking and talking. He tells the audience that they are celebrating the 64th day of the games on this particular day. He adds, "The Emperor has deigned this day to favor the people of Rome with an historical final match." There is a special guest today! Returning to the Colosseum after fives years in retirement, "the only undefeated champion in Roman history, the legendary Tigris of Gual!" Some guy in a chariot led by four horses with red plumes comes charging out. Everyone cheers wildly so I guess they're familiar with him. This is just proof that the audience will cheer for anyone. They were going gaga over Maximus the last time they saw him and now they're cheering for this dude. 

Now you may have noticed that Cassius says "historical final match." In their equivalent of a VIP box, Commodus admits to his sister that Maximus will be gone soon because "it's been arranged." Ha! Joke's on you, Commie! 

This battle will be a one-on-one fight between Maximus and the undefeated guy who came out of retirement. Oh, did I mention he looks like he's built like The Mountain from Game of Thrones? He looks like he could squash Maximus like a bug. 

This may be a one-on-one battle between the two men, but they aren't the only ones out in the arena. After Tigris kicks sand in Maximus's face (someone likes to play dirty!), Maximus falls back and a wall right behind him opens to reveal a tiger, attached to a chain, run out and swipe at Maximus before he is able to roll away. There are men controlling the tigers with the chains and decide how much leeway they get. Another tiger comes from under the floor, then another jumps on Maximus's back, but the men controlling the wild animal are able to pull him back. Hmm, I wonder if they put tigers in the arena because Tigris was fighting that day. Like, that can't be a coincidence! 

A tiger leaps up on Maximus, but he's able to spear it in the belly with his sword. The tiger falls on top of him and while he's under the tiger's corpse, he's trying to shield himself from Tigris who's stabbing at him. From his position on the ground, Maximus is able to take Tigris's axe and stab him in the foot with it. This causes Tigris to fall on the ground and now that he does't have anyone trying to stab him anymore, Maximus is able to get up. The audience is (of course) chanting, "Kill, kill, kill!" Maximus takes his sword and removes the mask from Tigris's face with it. One guy in the crowd is particularly enthusiastic and shouts,"Yeah!" Commodus turns his thumb down, signifying for Maximus to kill his opponent. 

Maximus lifts the axe up, but instead of striking the (no longer undefeated) (ex) champion with it, he throws it to the side. Someone shouts, "Maximus the Merciful!" and now the crowd is chanting and cheering, "Maximus! Maximus!" It's like, pick a lane, audience, only a few seconds ago you were cheering for him to kill the other dude. 

Commodus is not too happy since he thought Maximus was supposed to die. He comes down to the arena with all his guards and says some pretty terrible and despicable things about Maximus's son's and wife's last moments before they died. He is just being a prick and egging him on him. Maximus simply tells him, 'The time for honoring yourself will soon come to an end." Later, Commodus will whine about how the crowd now loves Maximus for his mercy: "So I can't just kill him or it will make me look more unmerciful." Commodus is a whiny little bitch. 

Before the battle, we saw a man with a scar on his face in the crowd. This is Cicero who is a loyal servant to Maximus. While Maximus is walking through the crowd after the battle, Cicero is able to walk near him and tell him his legion still remain loyal to him and would be ready to fight tomorrow. Maximus tells him he needs to do something for him. A few moments later, we see Cicero get close to the carriage that Lucilla is in. It's one of those modes of transports without wheels and men are carrying it. When he mentions Maximus's name, she beckons him to come closer and he tells her that Maximus will meet with the politician she wanted him to talk to. 

When Maximus meets with Senator Gracchus (Derek Jacobi), he asks him if he can buy his freedom and smuggle him out of Rome. He wants to get out of the city walls with horses ready for him to take to Ostia where his army is. He will return by nightfall the second day with five thousand men. Lucilla informs him that the legions have new commanders who are loyal to Commodus, but he says when his men see him alive, their loyalties will lie with him. 

When Gracchus asks him why he will give the city of Rome back to the people, he tells him, "Because that was the last wish of a dying man." He says he will kill Commodus and leave the fate of Rome to Gracchus. 

Their plan doesn't quite work out because Commodus gets a whiff of what's going on (thanks to Lucius unknowingly spilling the beans) and has Gracchus arrested. Lucilla tells Maximus that they "must leave tonight" and that Cicero will be at the gate waiting with horses. 

Commodus doesn't like it when little Lucius is cos-playing, not only pretending that he a gladiator, but that he is Maximus, "the savior or Rome!" Commodus tells Lucius a story about "Mark Antony and his adventures in Egypt" that parallels what is going on right now and it's clear to Lucilla (who's nearby, listening) that Commodus knows that she and Maximus are up to something. He informs her that if she does't fess us, he will do something terrible to her son. She has no choice but to tell him everything, which is how they know where Maximus is meeting Cicero and are able to capture him. Both Cicero and Proximo end up dead trying to protect Maximus. 

Senator Falco (or someone...there's so many ancillary characters) tells Commodus that it's been done and Commodus asks him what should happen to his sister and nephew and should he "be merciful"?  He says that Lucius will stay with him now and "if his mother so much as looks at me in a manner that displeases me, he will die."
After he says this, the camera pans to show that Lucilla is sitting nearby. He adds that if she takes her own life, her son will also die. He tells Lucilla that she will love him, as he loved her. Eww. But wait, it gets worse! He says to her, "You will provide me with an heir of pure blood, so that Commodus and his progeny will rule for 1000 years." That fact that he refers to himself in the third person is almsot as bad that he wants his sister to have babies. I know this was back in three digit years so maybe this wasn't seen as taboo (and gross!), but ughghghg! But then it gets even worse when he starts caressing her cheek and runs her fingers over her lips. It would be pretty icky even if she wasn't related to him. She's crying and she can't recoil from his touch for the sake of her son's safety.  

There is one final battle in the Colosseum and this time it's between Commodus and Maximus. Everyone is shouting Maximus's name which I'm sure Commodus loves. Maximus is chained to the wall and Commodus tells him that since Maximus loved his father like he did (are we sure about that, Commie, you know, since you killed your father), he declares they are brothers. He hugs him, but it's only a pretense so he can stab him in the chest with a little dagger. He tells one of the guards to strap on Maximus's armor so it will conceal the wound. They are lifted up by chains from under group up to the arena. Someone in the crowd yells, "Off with his head, Maximus!" This battle is a little bit different as all the guards are in a circle around the two men battling. 

They begin fighting with their swords and everyone cheers when Maximus gives Commodus a huge slash across the back. This causes him to drop his sword and he asks Quintus to give him his sword. I was kind of confused by this because was he able to retrieve his own sword? Did Maximus take it? Also, it seems like cheating asking for a sword from one of your guards (which seems like it's cheating having them there!). However, Quintus, who had earlier betrayed Maximus to ally with Commodus is now betraying Commodus as he not only obliges to give him his swords, but he orders the other guards to "sheathe your swords" after Commodus starts to panic and yells at anyone to give him a sword. 

Maximus turns into Russell Crowe and uses his elbow to knock Commodus in the face, then he just uses his fists to punch him in the face. The funny thing is, I'd probably still use the Russell Crowe joke even if another actor played Maximus. Hey, at least he's being fair not using his sword since Commodus didn't have one. (I still don't understand why he couldn't retrieve it!) But I probably spoke too soon because now Maximus has Commodus in a headlock and has pulled out a dagger that he's pointing towards Commodus's face and the young tyrant is straining to get away from it. Maximus jabs him in the throat and Commodus falls to the ground. Maximus stays on his feet fora few seconds, but also ends up falling on the ground. He starts to have visions of his idyllic home but before it is time to be ruined with his family in the afterlife, he has a few more tasks to take care of. He tells Quintus to free his men and that Senator Gracchus is to be reinstated. He says these are the wishes of Marcus Aurelius. Right away, Quintus orders for the prisoners to be freed. Maximus falls (quite dramatically) backwards onto the dirt and Lucilla runs toward him. He tells her that Lucius is safe and she nods. She tells him, "Go to them", giving him permission to die and return to his family. 

In a fierce voice, she tells Senator Gracchus and the others surrounding her to honor Maximus because he was a soldier of Rome. Gracchus asks who will help him carry him and Maximus's fellow gladiators flock to help the Senator lift the deceased soldier above their heads and carry him out of the arena. In the last scene, Juba tells his friend, "Now were are free. I will see you again. But not yet, not yet."

If you haven't seen Gladiator 2 and don't want to be spoiled, stop reading this now! You have been warned! 

Okay, I saw Gladiator 2 a couple months ago and while I'm not going to review it (at least not right now), I will say the first movie is still better. We find out that Lucius is actually Maximus's son, which makes sense. If they were hinting at it in the first movie, they don't flat out say he's the father, but I'm sure the audience is to think it could be a possibility. If you thought the first movie was a bit gory, wait until you see the sequel. The battles in the arena are just ridiculous, especially one when they put water in the arena and everyone is on ships and there's sharks in the water. Like, how are they even transporting sharks to the arena? 

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Family Guy

The Family Man
Director: Brett Ratner
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Téa Leoni, Jeremy Piven, Don Cheadle, Makenzie Vega
Released: December 22, 2000


Unlike Scrooged, this movie is not an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, but it has a similar vibe: a very wealthy New York City businessman named Jack Campbell (Nicolas Cage) gets a "glimpse" of what his life could have been like if he had never gotten on a plane to London thirteen years ago. Why is boarding/not boarding a plane to London so many years ago so significant? Well, the first scene begins in 1987 (which is 13 years prior to "current day" 2000) at the airport where Jack is saying goodbye to his girlfriend, Kate (Téa Leoni) before boarding the plane to London. Because it is 1987 (hell, because this movie was filmed in '99 or '00!), she is able to be at the gate with him. When his plane is called, she tells him she has a "bad feeling" if he gets that on that plane. That's something you never want to hear from somebody before boarding a plane. But not because she thinks the plane will crash, but because "this feels wrong". He is going to London because he has an internship there with Barclays. He tells her they already agreed on him going to London and she has "been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country" (they couldn't tell us which one?) and this is a great plan for both of them. She says she wants them to start their life right now and it's them that make each other great, not the plan. He kisses her and tells her that he loves her, but he's still going to London because it will only be for one year.

Except their plan for staying together didn't work out because thirteen years have passed and he is now a filthy rich executive who lives in a super posh building (with a doorman!) and Kate is nowhere to be seen. As he heads to work on Christmas Eve, we see him have "quasi-sexual witty banter" (his words) with Mrs Peterson, an elderly snooty woman who also lives in his building and he is chummy with Tony, the doorman. He is the president of the company P.K. Lassiter Investment House. I'm not exactly sure what this company is, but there's going to be a big merger with another company, one that is "the largest in U.S. corporate history" and it's happening tomorrow, on Christmas Day for some weird reason. Three hundred sixty five days in the year (really 366 because I believe 2000 was a Leap Year) and they had to do this on one of the biggest holidays of the year? He tells his staff they will be working through Christmas, but promises them it will be worth it because on the 26th, they'll all have so much money it will feel like Christmas every day. We meet Alan Mintz, one of his staff members, who is a bit more mild-mannered and tells Jack that he's thinking about his family and how he promised his wife he'd be home for Christas Eve and this is when Jack gives them the pep talk. Alan is played by Saul Rubinek, who played Donny in Frasier, the brash lawyer who Daphnes almost marries. Just so you know: all the characters we're meeting now will be important in the alternate timeline. What a shock, I know! 

We meet Jack's boss, Peter Lassiter, and the two of them pretty much laugh and pat their backs about how rich they are and how happy they are because they're so rich. Jack's secretary tells him that a woman named Kate called and of course she's talking about his old girlfriend who he hasn't seen or (presumably) heard from since 1987! The very same one that told him not to get on that plane to London but he did anyway. He doesn't bother returning the call, but isn't he the least bit curious why she called? We don't learn the reason for her call at that moment. He asks his secretary to schedule a "strategy session" for noon tomorrow (on Christmas, remember) and she quips, 'That will be a nice holiday treat."  

After work, he stops by a convenience store to grab some eggnog (isn't somebody as rich as he is have people to do those kind of chores for him? But he needs to be there for the procession of the plot!). While there, a guy called Cash (Don Cheadle) comes in with an interesting fashion choice of wearing a visor backwards and something is hanging from it, like a lighter, maybe. He has a lottery ticket that he claims is good for $238, but the cashier (a young Ken Leung) thinks he "[drew] the lines." I wasn't really sure what he was talking about because I don't play the lottery, but I guessed he changed the numbers with a pencil (kinda how Robin Williams changed the phone number in Mrs. Doubtfire). When the cashier still refuses to give him any money, he gets upset and takes out a gun. Jack decides to be a hero and goes up to him to offer him a "business deal" where he will buy the ticket from him for $200 and then he can cash in the rest of the $38. Cash now points the gun at Jack and asks him if he wants to die. 

It was at this point I was convinced Cash was going to shoot him (he points the gun at him sideways which is the Hollywood sign for a kill shot) and he would end up in a coma (not dead, mind you, but a coma) and this would cause him to enter his alternative life. But nope. Cash doesn't shoot him. He doesn't shoot anyone, luckily. He tells Jack he'll take his deal. They walk outside together and Jack gives him the money. He asks him why he's carrying around the gun and that he'll end up doing something he'll regret with it. He tells him, "Everybody needs something." When Cash asks Jack what he (Jack) needs, Jack replies, "I got everything I need." Don't you just want to punch people like that in the face? He then tells Cash he could get his life together with "some honest, hard work and a little bit of medicine" (the last part is a bit presumptuous of him) and Cash just laughs and says, "You just remember that you did this, Jack, you, okay? You brought this on yourself." 

Jack returns home and goes to sleep in his fancy flat, but when he wakes up there's a blonde woman in pajamas laying on his stomach who seems to know his name when she says, "Ten more minutes, Jack. It's Christmas." A six-year-old girl and her toddler brother wander into the room, singing Christmas songs and being very excited because it's Christmas morning. Jack is looking very concerned. The kids are jumping on the bed and a large dog also hops on the bed. We soon realize the woman he's with is Kate. While she's distracted with the kids, Jack (who hasn't said a word at all) gets up and puts on some sweat pants and a sweat shirt (which are the closest thing he can find to wear (and something he would never wear) and runs downstairs where Kate's parents have just arrived. Because he's met them before, he knows who they are and they chitchat with him as though they're familiar with him and he's supposed to be there. Speaking for the first time since waking up in this odd world, he tells them, "Excuse me" and runs out the front door, ignoring their question of "Where are you going?" He runs back in after a few seconds and asks, "Where's my car? Where's my Ferrari?" (Dude, where's my Ferrari?) They seem surprised he has a Ferrari and when he asks if he can borrow their car, Ed (Kate's father), tells him to "drive [his] own damn car", which is a minivan parked in the drive way. 

He takes it and drives into the city (he's in New Jersey) and parks it in front of the building where he lives (or is supposed to live) and Tony, the doorman he knows (or is supposed to know) tells him that the building is "for residents and guests only." Of course he has no idea who he is. I chortle as I try to imagine this from the doorman's perspective. He sees this minivan pull out and this guy in sweats gets out and tries to walk past him to get him into the building. Like, he's not even pretending to act like he lives in a posh building! Then he sees Mrs. Peterson, the old lady who lives in his building, walk by and Jack acknowledges her and she asks Tony, "Who is this man?" Jack is incredulous they don't know who he is. They offer to give him help and tell him they can take him to a shelter. This is kinda funny since this is exactly how he acted towards Cash the other day. He gets super angry, screaming at them about how he's the "richest man in the building." Honestly, I don't know how the doorman kept a straight face. I would have bust out laughing. 

He ends up going to the building where he works (or is supposed to work) and some guy in the lobby (who works there) tells him the building is closed for Christmas. Well, if the building is closed, why is that poor schmuck there? To tell people the building is closed? Why don't they just lock the doors? But they need this scene so Jack can tell him he's the president, but when he looks at the sign, it says that Alan Mintz, the mousey guy that worked for Jack in the previous timeline, is now the president.

He walks out onto the street where he almost gets run over by his own Ferrari which is being driven by Cash who's had a glow-up and is wearing a white turtleneck and black leather coat. He tells Jack to hop in and that he'll explain everything. It turns out Cash is some Ghost of Christmas Future or angel or something, I don't think we're quite told what/who he is and why he has these powers. Of course Jack is demanding to know what's going on and he tells him not to get so worked up because he "brought this on [him]self" and reminds him of how he said he had everything he needed and that "this is a glimpse" (I would call it more than a "glimpse"!) and when asked of what, he replies, "You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself" and he will get "as much time as it takes" (hence why it's more than a "glimpse") and adds, "Which in your case is probably gonna be considerable." 

He drives Jack back to the parked minivan and gives him a bell, the kind you put on a bike. Jack asks if it's some kind of signal and if Cash will come whenever he rings it. Cash doesn't really answer, but tells Jack he needs to go now. Jack doesn't want to, but Cash tells him he has other business to take care of. 

Jack has to use a map to get back home and I'm not talking about Google maps; he uses a physical map. He stops at a house in a nearby neighborhood and asks a guy taking out the trash if he knows the street he's looking for. The guy must not have heard him, otherwise he would have thought it was odd Jack was asking him that. This guy turns out to be Arnie (Jeremy Piven), a friend of Jack's, even though Jack has no idea who he is and learns they're friends when he sees a picture of them together in Arnie's house after he invites him in. Arnie's wife is played by Kate Walsh, but she's barely in the movie. At least she'll soon have Grey's Anatomy to look forward to. 

Arnie tells Jack that Kate called wanting to know if he (Arnie) had seen him (Jack) and asks him if he's okay since he took off on Christmas Day without telling anyone. Jack tells him the truth (without telling him the WHOLE truth): he's having a bad day. Arnie tells him he's in his 30s with a house, kids, and financial responsibilities and that he's probably thinking, 'This isn't the life I dreamt about.' In Jack's case, it's really not. Apparently Arnie had almost had an affair once and Jack had given him some advice: "Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because you're a little unsure about who you are." Sounds like Arnie is giving him that advice right back at him. 

Even though in this new reality, Jack doesn't have as much money as he used to, it's hilarious how he acts like he's so poor even though he lives in a four bedroom house with two and a half bathrooms. I guess from a multi-millionaire's point of view, he is poor. 

When Jack returns to the house, Kate demands to know where he's been and that she's called all their friends and the hospital and had the state troopers out looking him. It's been "hours later" since he's come back. He tells her he was in the city and tries to tell her that's where he lives and this isn't his house and that she's not his wife. Apparently, he's "joked" about this before because she says, "It's not funny this time." I guess they needed this to be a normal thing he does, but the original Jack from the timeline seems happy with the life, so why would that Jack have to "joke" about that? It makes no sense. I notice they kind of tiptoe around anytime Jack acts weird or doesn't know anything that he should know. 

He takes out the bell and starts ringing it, thinking Cash will show up, but Annie, the daughter, comes by on a bike she got for Christmas and takes it, thinking it's for her new bike. Annie is played by Makenzie Vega, the younger sister of Alexa Vega and she would go on to play the daughter in The Good Wife

Jack and Kate end up going to a Christmas party (Jack didn't want to go, but when he found out it was either that or staying home and watching the kids instead of Kate's mother, he opted for the party instead. I guess it was the less scarier of the two for him!) at a nearby home where they're friends with the couple. The woman, Evelyn, clearly has a thing for Jack and keeps flirting with him, but he's pretty oblivious to her. It was hilarious when he walked straight to the table with a bowl of punch and other drinks and poured himself some alcohol from a glass decanter. 

He overhears Kate telling a story to a bunch of women and this is how he finds out she's a non-profit lawyer and he's not very happy about it He confronts her about it and isn't thrilled she doesn't get paid. She dismisses his comment and continues on with the conversation. This is a great example of how the movie just has the characters gloss over how odd Jack is acting. Like, Kate should be wondering what the f**k is up with him. 

The next morning he wakes up and thinks he's back in his original life in his own bed in Manhattan because nobody is next to him in bed and it's quiet, but then Josh, the toddler, starts crying. Kate is in the en suite shower and when he knocks on the door and opens it to tells her, "that baby is crying", she tells him it's his day to take care of the kids and adds he needs to get Josh to daycare on time. Does she not think it's weird that he says "that baby" instead of the kid's name or even "the baby"? She was showering while "Beast of Burden" was playing, so maybe she didn't hear him say "that baby". 

Annie helps him change Josh's diaper (well, she doesn't physically help him, just tells him what he needs to do and where things he needs are). Annie is very perceptive and knows that isn't her real father and tells him. She thinks aliens have abducted her real father and the new Jack is an alien in disguise. It's pretty cute when she asks him if he like kids and he replies, "On a case-by-case basis." She asks if he knows how to make chocolate milk (but sounds more like "chalk-wit milk" with her lisp) and he tells her he thinks he can figure it out. She helps him with directions to the daycare (amazing that a six-year-old can do that, so I'm guessing the school isn't too far away from their house) and when Jack drops off Josh he asks the woman who works there if he needs a receipt. Yeah, it's funny that he says that, but I'm sure that woman has seen Jack drop off his son many times and that comment didn't arouse any suspicion? Maybe she thought he was being funny? But the way he was carrying Josh (had his arms way outstretched with him in them) was super sus too. Why are these people just accepting how odd he is acting? Is the six-year-old the only smart one in the movie? Apparently, she is! 

After he drops off Annie at school, he asks her what he's supposed to do next and she tells him he goes to work at Big Ed's Tires. That's Ed as in his father-in-law. He is thrilled to be selling tires (that was sarcasm, obviously). Another weird thing that happens and nobody questions is when he asks one of his employees where his office is. Yeah, he will ask Jack if he's okay a little bit later, but still...the movie really just isn't worried about how his odd behavior is coming across to the everyday people in his life and they just don't seem to notice or care that much. In his office, he finds a checkbook in the desk and starts flipping through it and says, "Oh, no" so whatever the amount is, it's not good, though to be fair, he's used to having millions of dollars so the amount he has in this timeline could be totally fine for his situation. The checkbook (along with the physical map and airport security) definitely dates the movie! The only time I use a check is to pay my rent. I used to write checks way back in the early 2000s and I hated it because it took so long! I think my mom might be the only person left who still writes checks. 

On the wall, he sees a plaque that says he was the #1 Junior Sales Associate in 1988, the same year he should have been in London, so does that mean he never made it across the pond? Well, obviously in this timeline it does! It reminds me of one of those Choose Your Adventure books and this time instead of choosing to go for the path that will lead him to a plushy career with lots of perks, he chose the domestic life with a family. Honestly, his life in the domestic path isn't bad at all; he'll soon find out it's quite nice. The only thing I would say is a downgrade is the job and not just because he's making significantly less money, but selling tires (or anything in retail, really) just seems like one of the worst jobs you can have. To me, anyway! 

There are moments when it looks like he's coming around and accepting this new life, but then he'll just turn into a complete ass. In one scene, the whole family is at the mall and Kate is listing off places they need to go and he sarcastically says they should just go to every store in the mall. She tells him she'll take the kids shopping and he can stay in the men's department. 

While they're gone, he looks around and finds a $2400 suit very similar to one he wore in his old life and tries it on. Kate and the kids come back and she tells him he looks amazing in it. She's not so impressed with the price, though, when he tells her he wants to buy it. He retorts back like a petulant child and claims that Annie got new shoes and she says they only cost $25. He starts to have a hissy fit and the sales guy quietly sneaks away, probably upset he isn't making a sale. Jack asks her, "Do you have ay idea what my life is like?" and starts rambling about his mundane life. When talking about work, he says "retail" in a very acidic tone which I can totally relate! (I don't even work in retail, but I know I would hate it if I did!) He harkens back to the very first scene when he asks her how she could "let [him] give up on [his] dream?" She just looks at him and asks, "Who are you?" in a tone of disbelief and he tells her that maybe he's not the same guy he was when they got married. The most Nic Cage-iest line of the movie is when he shouts at her, "I'm sorry I was such a saint before and I'm such a PRICK now!" He was really channeling some Castor Troy energy there. 

He does apologize to Kate while they're driving home and also learns some new stuff such as Annie was a surprise pregnancy and Kate's dad had a heart attack and Jack stepped in to help out and that's why he works at his shop now. 

In this timeline, he likes to go bowling with his friends (something I very much doubt the Wall Street executive Jack would do; in fact, I bet that Jack didn't even have any friends!) and while at a bowling alley with some friends, he runs into Evelyn, the attractive woman who's always flirting with him. He's pretty straightforward with her and asks her if there's anything going on between them. She asks him if they're finally going to be honest and tells him "we've been dancing around this for years." So does that mean the previous Jack in this timeline had been thinking about cheating on his wife? She admits she likes him and wants to have an affair and that Kate "will never have to know."  He seriously considers it and tells Arnie who is in disbelief that he's even thinking about cheating on Kate. Jack replies that "it wouldn't really be cheating" because he's thinking this isn't his life and Kate isn't his wife but of course he can't explain that to Arnie! (Heh, it reminds me of that song, "And you may tell yourself, 'This is not my beautiful house' and you may tell yourself, 'This is not my beautiful wife.'" EDIT: After writing this, I watched the trailer, and no joke, they use that song, so they had the same thought.) Arnie tells him he's an idiot because he already has an amazing wife and he's going to mess it up if he does this. So he doesn't. 

I wasn't totally sure how much time has passed while Jack is in this alternate universe, but I think it's around Valentine's Day (or perhaps even on Valentine's Day because they totally seem like the kind of couple who would get married on that day) when he learns it's their anniversary. Of course he doesn't know it so he doesn't have a gift for her. He tells her he wants to give it to her later because their anniversary is all day. This is another sign that she should know something is up because she tells him that he always gives her his gift first thing in the morning. She's very excited to receive her gift, like a kid on Christas morning. She had given him a knockoff suit of the one he liked. It was a sweet gesture, but I'm not sure if he's ever going to wear it because it's not quite the same thing! 

He ends up taking her out to dinner at a nice restaurant in Manhattan. All he had to tell her that morning was that he had a surprise planned for her later that evening, but I guess in that moment he still had no idea what he was going to get her. He orders for both of them: "Terrine of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms, veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce, sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts." I had to look up what a terrine was and it's a dish that is made in a ceramic or glass rectangular vessel and is "constructed in loaf-shaped layers of either meat or fish [quail in their case] and can sometimes contain vegetables" (taken from thespruceeats.com). He asks for an '82 bottle of wine, but when Kate informs him that it's $800, he changes it to two glasses of red wine. 

They're having a nice evening. He tells her he needs to tell her something and begins by saying, "I feel like I'm living someone else's life." Which technically he is, but she reads it as he's saying "How did I end up here?" She even agrees with him, telling him she wonders how she ended up in New Jersey (didn't they live in New York before? Not that big of a mystery). They talk about how their lives would have been if they had pursued their professional paths and she says, "Can you imagine life where everything was just easy? Where you ask for things and and then people just bring them to you?" Of course he knows exactly what's that like and replies, "It's wonderful" and she just laughs because of course it would be wonderful. She tells him she wonders what kind of life she would have had if she never married him. We already know what his life would be like if they never got married! When he asks her what she thinks her life would be like, she says, "I realize I've just erased all the things in my life that I'm sure about", of course meaning him and their kids. She asks him what he's sure about and he tells her that he's sure there's no one else he'd rather be with than her. Awww. It's this moment that's the turning point where he realizes this was the life he wanted all along.

We soon see him happily interacting with the kids and thriving at work where he seems to be getting into the swing of his alternate life. One day, while at work, his old boss, Peter Lassiter, pulls up in his fancy car with a flat tire. (Why would this guy who lives in Manhattan come to this place? Aren't there auto shops much, much closer? Oh, I know it's all for the plot, but I just like to complain about stuff like that.) Jack tells him he knows who he is because he's seen him on CNBC. He invites him to his office and tells him his business strategy and how he would have done things differently with the merger (which has been on the news). If I were this Lassiter character, I would be wondering why this tires salesman was giving me business pointers and at first it doesn't seem like he's interested in what Jack has to say, but then he tells him to drop off his car at his office building when the tire is fixed and they'll have a meeting. It's ridiculous that this high executive businessman is letting this random guy have a job interview. I would think people in his position are much more fussy about who they're interviewing/hiring. 

When Jack shows up at his old stomping grounds, he meets the new and improved Alan Mintz who is now in a business suit (as opposed to the sweater and slacks he wore previously in the other timeline). He tells both Peter and Alan he used to be a broker, but now he sells tires. The way they were talking to him and asking him questions such as how his sales are reminded me of an episode of Shark Tank. He basically tells them it doesn't matter if he works on Wall Street or Main Street, that people are people and he knows people and starts rattling off things he knows about them as proof that he's super perceptive. 

Alan shows Jack around, but once they are alone, he cuts the friendly act and demand to know how he found out the information about them. He asks Jack if he went through Lassiter's wallet or found the information online, only he phrases it as "Did you surf some Net?" Oh, that gave me a good chuckle. Did some eighty-year-old write the script and didn't know how the Internet worked back in '99/'00? It was just so awkwardly worded! 

It looks like Jack was able to get a job and instead of talking it over with Kate first, he decides to let her know by surprising her. He does this by taking her to a swanky Manhattan apartment and tells her about the job and they could be staying there nearly rent-free until they find a place of their own. Even though their financial situation would vastly approve, she's not happy about this because she likes the school Annie goes to (even though he told her they could get the kids into some of the best schools in the country) and she doesn't want to raise the kids in New York. I can understand not wanting to raise kids if you're tight on money, but their new digs looks plenty spacious and their new life would be pretty plush. In other words, I guess what I'm saying is that I think Kate is worrying about things she shouldn't be worrying about. I can understand her not wanting to move if Annie was in high school and didn't want their daughter to switch schools, but she's only in kindergarten! Also, she seems to be overly sentimental of the house they live in. Later, she tells him (while crying, no less) how she imagined them growing old together in their house and having their grandchildren visit them. Then she tells him she'll accept it if he wants to take the job while taking him on a major guilt trip: "If you need this,I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go." She'll do this because she loves him and because she chooses them. ("I choose us.")

There's a sweet moment of Jack playing in the snow with his daughter and he's acting like the dad Annie is used to because Annie tells him, "I knew you'd come back." 

Because it's snowed, he's picking up rock salt at a convenience store and is startled when he sees Cash is working there as the clerk (he has now traded his fashionable garb for a polyester uniform). Cash greets him with a big smile and comments that he's gotten "all domestic" since he's buying rock salt and that he "must have really figured things out." Jack just replies, "You're not sending me back." Cash reminds him that this was only a glimpse and "a glimpse, by definition, is an impermanent thing." This is when Jack knows that this is his last night in this timeline of his life. He has a moment with each kid and tells Kate he wants her to promise him that she'll always remember him how he is right now in this moment. He's doing everything he can not to fall asleep: he takes the dog for a late night walk in the cold air and instead of going to bed, he sits in the armchair in their bedroom trying not to fall asleep. Every time his eyes start to close, he snaps them back open, but he does eventually nod off and when he wakes up he's back in his own bed in his luxurious apartment without any kids or a wife. He's surprised to find out it's Christmas Day and drives to the house where he lived with his family, but now someone else lives there and tells him nobody named Kate lives there.

He calls information where he gets Kate's address. When he arrives at her apartment, there are boxes and people everywhere and it's obvious she's moving. (Who moves on Christmas Day? It's almost worse than having an important business meeting on Christmas Day!) And she's not just moving to another zip code, she's moving all the way to Paris, oh, la, la! Does Kate even know French? If she does, why were we never told this? She tells Jack that her law firm has an office there and she'll be in charge of it. Do you remember way back in the original timeline when Jack was told Kate had called him at his office, but he never returned her call? Well, she has a box of his stuff and I think she was calling him to tell him she was moving and wanted to give him his stuff back. Good Lord, it's been thirteen years...unless it's super sentimental, just toss it. If he's lived without these items for this long, I'm sure he doesn't really care about them that much. 

Even though she's super busy, he chats with her. He asks her if she's married and has a big smile on his face when she tells him she never got married. He asks her if she ever thinks about them and what could have been, but she's too distracted with packing and just tells him he should look her up if he's ever in Paris. You gotta feel bad for the guy.

He does find out her flight is leaving at seven that night which comes in handy when he decides he's going to run to her gate as she's standing in line to board the plane and shouts at her not to get on the plane. He's really lucky...one year later and he would not be able to do this! She steps out of the line and asks him if he needs closure after all these years and reassures him that even though she was heartbroken after he left, she got over it and moved on and suggests that he do the same. She gets back in line, and desperate, I suppose, he just starts talking crazy: "We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids..." He then proceeds to tell her about the alternate reality he lived with her as though they are living this life right here and now. If I were her, I would be a little concerned! After telling her every little detail about their two children (including names and their personality traits), he tells her he's seen what they could be like together and ends with "I choose us" which is a callback to when she told him that earlier. 

Look, I don't think he went this the right way at all. Rambling on about things that happened in an alternate universe and acting like they're true now is just going to make you look like a lunatic, but Kate just says "Okay" and decides not to take her flight so she can have a cup of coffee with Jack at the airport and the movie ends with them chatting.

Of course, we're probably suppose to assume that they start dating and fall in love again and get married and have their two adorable children, but for all we know she could have decided she didn't want to pursue a relationship with him and gotten on a plane to Paris the next day. C'est Paris, for God's sake! LOL, I am so cynical. 

Also, are we supposed to think this whole thing was just a dream? Think about it: he wakes up on Christmas Day and finds himself in this new life and then when he wakes up on Christmas Day back in the life he's always had (after a very long dream!), but it felt so real that he thought it was and it changed his perspective on life. I really think this movie could have worked better if it had a better script (the characters just glossing over Jack's out-of-characterness just really annoys me and it's clear the script is only calling for them to do so because they don't want to call too much attention that this is not the Jack they know) and a better director (I was shocked that the douchey Brett Ratner directed this - this kind of feel-good family Christmas film isn't his forte), I think this movie could have been a truly great Christmas movie, but it kind of gets lost in the shuffle of holiday movies and most people seem to forget about its existence. 

I really like the movie's poster:


Wednesday, December 23, 2020

As Cuddly as a Cactus

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Director: Ron Howard
Cast: Jim Carrey, Taylor Momsen, Jeffrey Tambor, Christine Baranski, Bill Irwin, Molly Shannon, Anthony Hopkins
Released: November 17, 2000

Oscar nominations:
Best Makeup (won)
Best Costume Design (lost to Gladiator)
Best Art Direction - Set Decoration  (lost to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)


For some reason, I always want to call this movie "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas", but I know that doesn't sound right. In fact, I even started writing that when I was typing the title, but caught myself after I had written "The Grinch Who"... 

So yeah, most people seem to hate this particular version of this story...and I can't blame them. This is not a very good adaptation. Look, I can understand why Ron Howard (or whoever's idea it was to make this story into a live-version adaption) thought this was a good idea: you take a beloved Christmas TV animated special from the '60s that's based on the beloved Dr. Seuss book. (See, I don't remember the book, although my family must have owned it...I do remember owning other Dr. Seuss books. I do remember watching the animated show, though). You have Jim Carrey play the Grinch which seems like the perfect match. It seems like a win/win situation. I mean, it wasn't a total disaster as I was surprised to learn that this was the highest-grossing movie of 2000. I would have guessed it to in the top ten, but not number 1! But I guess people were curious to see Jim Carrey portray the Grinch in a story that everybody is familiar with. 

This is one of the problems with the movie: the animated special is only 25 minutes long. The movie is about an hour and forty minutes. As you can obviously see, they add a lot of things to the movie. The animated movie is short and sweet and gets to the point: we know that the Grinch hates Christmas, the Grinch does his thing where he steals Christmas, the Whos are sad, the Grinch feels bad and learns the true meaning of Christmas, everyone sings. Okay, it's been awhile since I've seen the TV special from 1966, but I feel fairly confident that was the gist of it. Obviously, I understand that they need to have a feature film be longer than half an hour, so they added a lot of extra scenes such as a backstory to why the Grinch hates Christas so much and we learn more about Cindy Lou Who, who they upgrade to a more important character. The part that we're all familiar with, the part where he steals Christmas, doesn't show up until the very end of the movie. 

Cindy Lou Who is played by Taylor Momsen (probably best known as Jenny from Gossip Girl). She was only seven and this was her first role. I think for the most part, she did a good job, considering everything, but there is one scene I question, but I'll get to that later. Cindy Lou's dad, Lou Lou Who (Bill Irwin), works at the post office and her mom, Betty Lou Who (Molly Shannon), has an ongoing competition with their neighbor, Martha May Whovier (Christine Baranski) on who can decorate their house the most festive for Christmas. Martha May has her own machine that shoots lights onto her house, which I admit, seems pretty handy when you need to put lights up on your roofline. 

While the Grinch from the book and TV special seems to prefer to stay in his home up in the mountains and keep to himself, this Grinch seems to like to mess with the Whos. He prank calls them, he goes into town (wearing a mask that seems like it belong in a horror movie) and just messes with them. I suppose this is so he can have interaction with the Whos. Okay, it's totally confusing that the townspeople in Whoville are called Whos, but also that's the surname of the main family. We get our first interaction between the Grinch and Cindy Lou when he's sneaked into the sorting room at the post office and has messed up all the mail.  Cindy Lou''s dad has asked her to get something from the sorting room, so when she goes in there, the Grinch is hiding with his dog, Max (also probably the MVP of the movie...bless the real life dog for what he had to put up with and bless the character for what he had to put up with!) However, Cindy Lou encounters him and he scares her and knocks her into the sorting machine where all the Whoville gifts are sorted. He's about to leave, but Max won't let him and he fishes her out of the machine before she can get crushed. She thanks him for saving her life, but he tells her he did it because she was "improperly packaged" and wraps her up in red wrapping paper and a gold bow. When her dad comes in, the Grinch has left by then. Her dad is proud of her because he thinks Cindy has been practicing her wrapping which makes no sense because how can you wrap yourself and put a bow on top if you're already covered...oh, never mind! 

Personally, I think the best thing to come out of this movie is the song "Where Are You, Christmas?". The version sung by Faith Hill during the end credits. I love that song. Now this song is sung by Cindy Lou in her room not long after she's met the Grinch for the first time. This is the weakest scene for Taylor Momsen. For one thing, her singing voice (I mean, I assume it's actually her singing) is pretty weak. I know seven-year-olds aren't going to be great singers, but if you're going to cast a part of a young girl who is going to sing a song, then maybe cast somebody with a stronger voice. She's also by herself in this scene and doesn't seem to know what to do, while at least she's acting against Jim Carrey or some other actor in her other scenes. No shade at all to her because she was only seven. I think they should have just taken this scene out. It really didn't add anything and doesn't make sense. Why is she singing "Where are you, Christmas?" when the Grinch hasn't even stolen Christmas at this point? As far as she and I and everyone else is concerned, Christmas hasn't disappeared yet. This would make more sense if she sang it after the Grinch did his thing, but by that time the movie is almost over and you're going to hear the Faith Hill version anyway. You know something I learned that I never knew before while going through the IMDb trivia for this movie that completely floored me? I read that Mariah Carey wrote this song and I was like, What? She wrote "All I Want For Christmas Is You" AND "Where Are You, Christmas?", two songs that get so much much air time during the Christmas season on the radio? How could I not know about this? Wow, she really is the Queen of Christmas songs. Also, why doesn't she sing that song for the movie soundtrack? Look, I love Faith Hill and I think she does a great job with the song, but aren't you going to go for the bigger name? So I did some more research and found more information. So the song Cindy Lou sings is just a little bit different than the Faith Hill power ballad. (You know, kind of like Elton John's version of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" is different than the movie's version). From what I gather, the song Cindy Lou sings is "Christmas, Why Can't I Find You?" and that version was written by James Horner. It sounds like Mariah was a co-writer on the radio version, along with Will Jennings. The song is pretty similar to the one in the movie, but has more lyrics and some of them have been changed. Mariah was supposed to sing it, but couldn't because of some legal thing with her ex-husband at the time. Oh, man, now I want to hear her version! But I really do like the Faith Hill version!

To get to Whoville from his mountaintop home, the Grinch uses a chute system. This makes sense when he's going down, but when he's going UP? How is that possible? I guess they just needed a quick way to get the Grinch (and later, Cindy Lou) up and down the hill. I want to say he visits Whoville three different times. 

Cindy Lou has been doing some research to try to find out why the Grinch hates Christmas so much. She interviews these two old ladies who adopted him. We find out that Who children are brought to their parents in flying bassinets.We get two adult jokes within the span of sixty seconds when we see a father receive his new baby and tell his wife that their new kid looks a lot like her boss, then we see a bunch of Whos at the annual Christmas party and they're throwing keys in a bowl and I don't think it's because they don't want anyone driving home drunk...the two ladies tell Cindy Lou that Baby Grinch was still outside when the party was over, so they took him home. I guess he was never claimed by a parent. Baby Grinch reminded me of the baby from that '90s TGIF show, Dinosaurs. You know, "Not the mama!" or whatever it was he said. The two ladies (not sure if they were lesbians or sisters who never married and lived together or what their deal was) tell Cindy Lou they raised him like any other child, "with a deep love for Christmas." Well, there's your problem right there. His expectations on Christmas were probably way too high! 

She also interviews Martha May and the Mayor (Jeffrey Tambor) who were both in the Grinch's class in grade school. Even though Martha was the girlfriend of Augustus (the kid who would become the Mayor), she has a crush on the Grinch. Mind you, they're all eight, so that's kind of weird. I did laugh when Martha, talking to Cindy Lou, says, "Did I have a crush on the Grinch? Well, of course not" and Cindy Lou replies, "I didn't ask you that." Young Augustus tells young Grinch concerning young Martha: "You don't have a chance with her. You're eight years old and have a beard." I mean, good for him for not mentioning he stands out because he's green, I guess. The class is having a Christmas exchange where they're suppose to give a gift to someone special. The Grinch (does he even have a first name or does he just go by that "The Grinch" moniker?) makes an ornament thingofabob for Martha. He also decides to shave that day and it didn't go so well, so he's wearing a paper bag over his head. His teacher makes his remove it and everyone in the class -including the teacher - laughs at him. Everyone, but Martha. The Grinch has a few pieces of tissues to cover his scabs. It's understandable his fellow classmates are laughing at him because kids suck, but the teacher? Yeah, she sucks the most. This whole event is the catalyst for making the Grinch hate Christmas. He becomes super angry and he smashes the ornament he made and he throws the class Christmas tree out the window and basically becomes a mini Hulk (you know, since he's green and all). 

This Christmas in Whoville marks the 1,000th Whobilation where they will nominate someone to be the Holiday Cheermeister at a town Christmas party. To be honest, I wasn't clear if the Whobilation was when they nominated somebody or when they had the party where they announced the Holiday Cheermeister. On their way to hear the nominations, Cindy Lou tells her dad she might do something drastic and she does when the Mayor announces it's time to hear the nominations "for that Who among us who best typifies the qualities of Who-dom and Who-dery, the Whoville Holiday Cheermeister." Cindy Lou is the first one to speak and comes of out nowhere saying, "I nominate the Grinch." It gave me a "I volunteer as tribute" vibe from The Hunger Games. The Mayor is trying to tell Cindy Lou that the Grinch can't be nominated per The Book of Who, but Cindy isn't having any of it. She tells him, "The book says the Cheermeister is the one who deserves a backslap or a toast. And it goes to the soul at Christmas who needs it the most." She believes that would be the Grinch and everyone in attendance claps along in agreement and the Mayor has to go along with the nomination. So I guess only one nomination can be given? 

So interesting fashion tidbit I want to point out in this scene: both Cindy Lou and her mother are adorning a glass of egg nog on their head with a ( fake) candy cane. The eggnog is quite real because it's sloshing around. 

Cindy Lou pays the Grinch a visit and convinces him to come to the celebration where he'll win an award. He's late getting there, but just when they're about to give the award to someone else, he show up claiming he was promised he would get an award and a check, but Cindy denies that last part. He's reunited with his "two old biddies" and it's pretty funny, despite a little cold when he asks them, "Are you two still living?" (I guess it's a legitimate question since they were both pretty old when he was a baby!) After being dressed in a sweater with the words "I [heart] Xmas" on top of a Christmas tree, he is put in the Chair of Cheer and is the judge of a pudding contest, the Fudge Judge, judge of Fruitcake La La La (God, I would throw up having to eat all that food and I think pudding would be the worst!), he leads the Christmas conga and wins the Santa sack race. By the end, he seems to actually be having a good time and the Whos have seemed to accept him. But of course we know we're still waiting for the big scene where he's going to steal Christmas, so something's gotta happen here to ruin everything. It does when the Mayor is about to give the award he was promised. Instead of receiving a plaque or a trophy, the Mayor presents him with "the gift of a Christmas shave" and gives him a razor. This makes everyone (except Cindy Lou and her family and Martha, of course) laugh at him. To make matters worse, the Mayor decides to choose this moment to propose to Martha. He makes this like a game show, telling her if she accepts being his wife, she'll also win a brand new car and she has "twenty second on the clock" to make her decision. Before Martha can give him an answer, the Grinch scrapes the car with his fingernail and tells the Whos the only thing they care about are material possessions and that it all ends up in his garbage anyway. (All the town's garbage ends up near his home). 

He causes havoc in Whoville by shaving the Mayor's hair right in the center of his head and sets the town Christmas tree on fire. All the other Whos are going crazy trying to run away and crashing their cars into each other. The Grinch says, "Oh, the Whomanity", which, honestly, I didn't get the joke util I watched it with the subtitles on. He tries to hail a taxi that won't stop and calls after it, "It's because I'm green, isn't it?" Yeah, the movie went there. He does end up stealing a small car that is being driven by smaller Whos. They run away when they see he's about to sit on them. 

I think this would be a good time to stop and talk about the Whos and how....weird they look. We know from the book and the animated TV special the Whos have a distinct look; they have that Dr. Seuss character look. The actors in the movie are wearing prosthetic chins or noses to give them that particular look and it just looks weird. I do think they did a good job with giving them crazy hair styles. Like I mentioned before, they wear glasses of eggnog as hair ornaments and later, we will see Betty Lou wearing peppermint candies in her hair like hair rollers. The only people who don't wear prosthetics are the young kids (because, as we learn later, they "grow into their noses") or Martha May, who is supposed to be the Beautiful One. (I guess the Grinch can't have a crush on her if she doesn't look like the other Whos?) Also, in the book and animated special, we know that Whos come in all shapes and sizes. The way they did it in the movie is really creepy and unsettling. Instead of casting little people to play the smaller-size Whos (and maybe they did and I didn't notice), they take regular size people and use that trick photography to make them smaller than the other Whos. I don't know, the end product just looks really weird and creepy. It would be like walking around with people who are the size of Barbie dolls; that's what they looked like. 

So now we get to the part that's actually from the TV special and the only scene I remember from this movie (well, I do remember the flashback to when he was a kid): when he hatches his plan to dress up as Santa and sneak into Whoville and steal all their presents and stockings and food. A turkey he takes from a fridge looks so fake; it has that plastic sheen on it like that fake plastic food kids play with. When he's at Cindy Lou's house, she comes down and sees "Santa" stealing the tree and he makes up a lie that he's taking it to fix a light and he'll bring it right back. This tree is super ugly with what appears to be globs of cotton balls place sporadically around it. As Cindy Lou is going back to bed, she tells him, "Santa, don't forget the grinch. I know he's mean and hairy and smelly....but I think he's actually kind of sweet." So....surely she knows that's the Grinch right? He didn't exactly disguise his green body. She's just saying that to soften the Grinch's heart (which it does, if only for a few seconds). When she goes back to bed, the Grinch says, "Nice kid, bad sense of character."

So the next morning the Whos wake up to their Christmas being gone (now would have been a good time for Cindy Lou to sing "Where Are You, Christmas?") and they're all sad that all their presents are gone. They immediately know that the Grinch is the culprit. The Mayor is furious when he tells the crowd, "You chose to listen to a little not-to-be-taken-seriously girl", referring to Cindy Lou, then shames the young girl when he tells her, "I hope you're very proud of what you've done." Geeze, what a jerk. However, Cindy Lou's father comes to her defense and tells everyone that he's proud of his daughter and that he's glad the Grinch took their gifts, which causes everyone to gasp. He tells them, "You can't hurt Christmas because it isn't about the gifts or the contests or the fancy lights. That's what Cindy's been trying to tell everyone." He says as long as he has his family, he has everything he needs. Soon, everyone is nodding in agreement and they start singing and they're all happy and have forgotten their troubles. While all of this is going on, Cindy Lou decides to visit the Grinch who is planning to push the sleigh with a huge bag full of all the stuff he stole all the down the mountain to crash into the Whos. He hears them singing and sees them being happy without their gifts. The singing causes his heart to grow three times bigger, yada, yada, yada, you know the rest. 

When he returns to Whoville with Cindy and all the presents he stole, he does apologize for what he did. However, when Martha chooses that moment to break up with the Mayor and confess her love to the Grinch, he pretty much rubs it in the Mayor's face, though I guess he did deserve that. I did laugh when the Grinch joins hands with the rest of the Whos as they're singing and he doesn't know the words, so he's just making them up. 

A few other thing before I wrap (huh, is that a Christmas pun?) up: Anthony Hopkins narrates the story. I believe every word he says is taken straight from the book. 

While I think most movies that take place during Christmas are quite beautiful, this movie is just really asthetically ugly to look at. Yes, there's a lot of red and greens, but there's also other colors mixed in there and there's something hazy about the screen. It just doesn't look right. Skip this movie and watch the 1966 version instead. Show your kids that version instead; you know they'll like it better. The three words that best describe this movie are, and I quote, "Stink, stank, stunk!" (Yeah, that jab was too easy!)