The Sibling Switch

She's the Man
Director: Andy Fickman
Cast: Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum, Julie Hagerty, David Cross
Released: March 17, 2006

This is one of those movies where you have to wonder if every character is really that stupid and the answer, it seems, is yes, they really are all that stupid. So to set up the story, high schooler Viola (Amanda Bynes) is dismayed when she finds out her school is cutting the girls' soccer team because not enough signed up for it. After asking the boys' soccer coach if they can play on the boys' team and trying to get support from her boyfriend who is the team captain, they both pretty much laugh in her face. She (rightfully) breaks up with her boyfriend. Viola has a twin brother, Sebastian, who, we find out, got kicked out of their school for skipping, so he will be attending a boarding school, Illyria. He is a musician and is sneaking out to fly to London to play at some music festival and asks Viola to pretend to be their mom and call the school to tell them he's sick and will be out the first two weeks. After Sebastian's girlfriend, Monique, makes the comment that Viola and Sebastian look alike (they don't), Viola gets the brilliant idea to pretend to be her brother and attend his school as him. Then she will be able to play on the boys' soccer team and will prove that girls can play soccer with boys. Since she will be staying at the school, she tells her mom (played by Julie Hagerty) that she will be at her dad's house for the next two weeks. Very convenient plot device that her parents are divorced! 

We get a makeover scene of Viola asking her hair dresser friend to make her into her brother. She gets the same haircut cut as him (complete with sideburns) and that's pretty much where the similarities end. This all happens within the first twelve minutes of the movie.

Her first few days as Sebastian at her new school don't go so well. She's trying way too hard to fit in with her roommate, Duke (Channing Tatum) and his friends, who are also all on the soccer team. Because of her short stature (compared to a guy at least) they think he skipped a few grades. As a guy, she doesn't have a consistent talking voice. Sometimes she talks with a deep voice (as deep as she can make it), sometimes she seems to forget she's supposed to be a boy and talks with her normal voice, and sometimes she talks with this really weird accent like she's trying to be cool, like trying to fit in with one of the guys. When she tries out for the soccer team, she doesn't make first string.

I question some of the things she does. For instance, her first day of school, a box of tampons falls out of her bag and Duke and his two friends are staring at "him", obviously confused. Viola tells them "he" uses them to stick in "his", nose when "he" gets nose bleeds, claiming David Beckham does the same thing. She then proceeds to show them how it's done - WHY? Why do you need to show them how to stick a tampon up your nose? Seems very unnecessary. Also, if I were "him", I would have told them that my sister likes to play pranks on me and most likely put her box of tampons in my bag to embarrass me. This scene does get a payoff in a later scene when we see Duke has a tampon in his nose after he gets into a fight. Definitely not Channing Tatum's finest moment, but I guess we all gotta start out somewhere; this was one of his first movie roles, after all. Another thing I question is that Viola didn't really seem to think her whole plan through. She almost gets caught in the communal shower, but right before she undresses (she's just taken off the wrap around her chest) two guys come in. It appeared to be late, but not that late. I mean, what would have happened if those guys came in five minutes later? We then see her getting up at four in the morning to take her showers. Also, they never address this, but why aren't Viola's parents getting calls from HER school? Aren't they wondering why SHE isn't attending school?

Viola's guy friend has a great idea of how to make "Sebastian" cool with the guys and has this whole thing planned where Viola's two closest (and prettiest) friends will be at the pizza joint where all the high school kids like to hang. Viola as Sebastian will walk in and right in front of Duke and the other two guys (whose names I did not care to learn), the two girls will walk up to "Sebastian" one at a time and basically drape themselves over "him" and tell "him" how much they miss "him". Basically, they're trying to make Viola as a guy look like a lady's man to impress the guys. Seeing that Viola posing as a guy has a Boys Don't Cry vibe going on, I'm surprised they tried to make her a heterosexual male (and a bit of a player at that) because I wouldn't buy it for a second. After Viola as Sebastian impresses the guys, she has to quickly hide her face because Monique, Sebastian's girlfriend (or maybe it was his ex, I was always a little fuzzy on that until the end when we know for sure where their relationship lies) walks in and is trying to talk to "Sebastian". You think the guy's own girlfriend would know her boyfriend's own voice and realize that this person she thought was her boyfriend was half a foot shorter. Viola manages to get away, but it won't be the last time she has to escape from Monique.

There's a scene in this movie that's like the one in Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams is at a restaurant where he has to be Mrs. Doubtfire with his family, then his real character with a client or something (I don't remember...it's been awhile since I've seen that movie!) In this case, Viola has to be herself and her brother at a carnival her mom is the head of. Viola shows up as Sebastian with Duke and the other two guys, then they split up and she changes back to her regular self where she makes an appearance in front of her mom who asks where her brother is. Viola tells her she's going to find him and we see her change into Sebastian - on a tilt-a-whirl ride of all things. She literally puts a wig on while she's on a ride that spins around and around. I think that's pretty much impossible. Once again she is spotted by Monique who thinks she's Sebastian and is trying to chase him. Viola manages to lose her by diving into the ball pit where she changes back to herself while her friends (Viola's friends, not the Illyria guys) stand guard. I don't think it was necessary for Viola to change back to herself since Monique had left, but I guess she had to make an appearance at the kissing booth (as herself) where she was scheduled to work it. Actually, you know what? It really doesn't make sense that Viola was ever Sebastian in this whole scenario! Yes, I know her mom said she expected to see both her children at the carnival but you know Viola can't fool her as Sebastian; I would hope the woman knows what her own children look like! And I know Viola shows up at the carnival with the Illyria guys as Sebastian, but "he" could have just told them "he" was coming later. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more stupid this whole scene is.

Oh, I guess this is a good time to tell you about another little subplot of the movie right here. Duke has a crush on a girl named Olivia but he's not good at talking to girls (despite the fact that he looks like Channing Tatum!) and asks Sebastian if he'll help him since Sebastian is lab partners with Olivia in their biology class. Olivia is working the kissing booth and right before Duke is ready to kiss her, Viola is her relief and takes over, much to Duke's dismay. He and Viola share a kiss and that's when Viola realizes she has feelings for Duke (though let's face it: she was attracted to him since the beginning). Sidenote: even though kissing booth make great plot devices for movies and I understand why they're used, they are super gross and surely they are not used in real life, right? RIGHT? Just the fact of having to kiss hundreds of strangers makes me shudder and gag; I don't care if the money is going for charity!)

Duke finds out he has kissed Sebastian's twin sister and later tells "Sebastian" who eagerly tells him he should pursue Viola and forget about Olivia. Meanwhile, Olivia has decided she's falling for Sebastian who has told her earlier that she's not "his" type (yeah, no kidding), so to make "him" jealous, Olivia starts flirting with Duke right in front of Viola as Sebastian, which of course makes Viola angry.

To complicate matters more, the real Sebastian gets home a day early and is greeted with a kiss by Olivia who runs up to him as he's getting out of his taxi and tells him she'll see him tomorrow at the big soccer game, then runs off. Yes, I realize it was dark when she did this, but still, she couldn't tell it was a completely different person? Duke sees this from his dorm and when he sees Viola as Sebastian he accuses "him" of going behind his back and kissing Olivia which confuses Viola since she has no idea what he's talking about. At first she thinks Duke has figured out who she really is and is about to confess, then Duke says he saw "him" kissing Olivia.

Somehow, Viola has found somewhere else to sleep and the actual Sebastian sleeps in the dorm room and is woken up by the guys so he doesn't miss the big game. Okay, I realize everyone was in a big hurry and Sebastian's face is painted, but still? Nobody noticed that Sebastian's voice was completely different or he had grow half a foot or his face no longer had his delicate and smooth features? No more smooth, dainty hands? NOBODY noticed any of this?

Yep, can't tell these two apart!

A student at the school finds out the truth about Sebastian and Viola and tells the principal (played by David Cross) and is ready to expose Sebastian as a girl during a time out in the game. Sebastian says he is not a girl and to prove it, he pulls down his pants. The fact that he's so willing to pull down his pants in front of a whole stadium of people is a little weird, but maybe that explains why Olivia is so ready to end up with him. Yes, Olivia ends up with the real Sebastian even though it was really Viola she was into and the one she got to know. I really thought we were going to get a scene where Olivia finds out she likes girls, or, at least discovers she is bisexual, but nope! She's ready to date a guy she's never met before in her entire life. Super weird. The movie tries to make it out like they've been soul mates all along because in an earlier scene Olivia finds Sebastian's lyrics in the coat Viola is wearing when she's posing as her brother and she's just so enamored by them.

Viola manages to switch places with a confused Sebastian and explains to him what she's been doing for the past two weeks. She plays in the game and scores the winning point. That's when she reveals she's really a girl...by lifting up her shirt. Again, if I were these two kids' parents, I would be a little concerned they're so willing to strip in huge crowds of people. Also, wasn't she supposed to be wearing a bandage around her chest to disguise her breasts? That bandage is magically missing when she lifts her shirt (though she you don't see anything...this is a PG rated movie, after all!)

In the end, Viola ends up with Duke and attends Illyria. I don't think this movie would fare very well today. It's not very woke. There's some blatant homophobia coming from Duke whenever Viola as Sebastian tells him how hot he is. He seems very offended that who he thinks is a guy is telling him that. If I were Viola, I would re-evaluate this guy and ask myself if I would want to go out with him. That said, this movie has to be much better than Ladybugs, that movie where Jonathan Brandis dresses as a girl and plays on the all girls soccer team that Rodney Dangerfield coaches. I've never seen it (don't think I'm missing anything), but it seems to send a very sexist message saying girls need the help of a strong boy to win sports! Again, I've never seen it, so maybe it's an empowering movie, who knows, but somehow I highly doubt it. At least She's the Man is above that...but I don't know how much higher the bar goes! 

An American in London

What a Girl Wants
Director: Dennie Gordon
Cast: Amanda Bynes, Colin Firth, Kelly Preston, Eileen Atkins, Anna Chancellor, Jonathan Pryce
Released: April 4, 2003

Let me rank all the things titled "What a Girl Wants" I've come across in my life:

1. Boutique in Langely, Washington. Back in 2004 when my cousin got married on Whidbey Island, my mom, my aunt, her daughter, and I would visit this shop daily because it was within walking distance from the inn we were staying at. (I think everything was in walking distance, though). This shop was accurately named as it had clothes, jewelry, accessories, knickknacks, pretty much everything was pink and girly. Now I'm not a girly girl but even I oohed and aahed over this shop. We spent a lot of time (and money!) in that store. My cousin bought a brown leather bag with a cat on it and a black top with a white collar and I bought a black tote bag with pink lining and a pink poodle holding an umbrella on it, a matching coin purse (I don't particularly like poodles, but I guess I thought it was super cute and had to have it!), a pink oval alarm clock with a black cat on it, a white top with a boat neckline and a ribbon around the collar and a black top with sleeves that had black laces. The only things I still have are the tote bag and coin purse.

2. Christina Aguilera song. If this were my favorite song of hers, it would rank #1, but it's not, though it's certainly in the top tier. The only thing that could have made the What a Girl Wants boutique in Whidbey Island better is if they had "What a Girl Wants" playing on a loop. Every time you say "What a Girl Wants" in whatever context, you have to sing it to the tune of the song, am I right?

3. This movie. Just because I have this ranked last doesn't mean I didn't like it, but it also means I don't love it. It's also ranked last because I don't understand why the movie has the title it does. At least it makes sense the Whidbey Island boutique and Christina Aguilera song being called "What a Girl Wants." It just seems like a generic title for the movie and there had to be a better title for it. They don't even play the Christinas Aguilera song in the movie. What's up with that?

Good on Colin Firth for being a good sport to be in a movie that's (barely) one step above a tween movie that you would see on the Disney Channel. Of course, this was years before he won his Oscar for The King's Speech, heck, it was even before Love, Actually, which is the first thing I knew him from. Oh, wait, I guess he was in Bridget Jones's Diary, but to be fair I've only seen that movie once and I've seen Love, Actually at least ten times. I will still sometimes say "Just in cases" randomly. Looking at his IMDb, he was also in Shakespeare in Love, but I definitely do not remember him in that! The only thing I literally remember from that movie is Gwyneth Paltrow spinning around in her corset and saying "It is a new day" and that probably isn't even right!

Also in this movie is Amanda Bynes. Oh, yes, remember her? She's a former child star who has gone through some rough patches. I remember her from her All That days. God, she was annoying in that show, wasn't she? Granted, she was like, what? Seven, eight, nine? She was in a handful of movies in the mid 2000s and she always seemed to play the same character (wacky, outspoken), though I only saw this one and She's The Man, so I could be wrong. She plays a seventeen-year-old girl named Daphne who lives in New York with her mom, Libby (Kelly Preston). Daphne really wants to meet her father who doesn't even know she exists. We know the backstory of her parents is that her mother, a free-spirited wedding singer (who can't particularly sing very well) met Henry Dashwood (the guy Colin Firth plays) when they were both in Morocco and fell in love and got married, though its uncertain if they were actually legally married. He brings her back to England so they can get married for real, but she doesn't quite fit in with his rich, uptight family and leaves. He never knew she was pregnant.

Henry thinks Libby left because there was someone else and Libby left because she thinks it's what Henry wanted.

Daphne often works as a waitress at the weddings her mom sings at and she gets sad every time her mom sings a song (like "Because You Loved Me") for the father-daughter dance and laments how she will never be able to have a father-daughter dance. She decides it's time she find and meet her father, so she flies to London and leaves her mom a voice recording explaining where she is. When she first arrives in London we get a cliched montage of her on a double decker bus as all the tourist attractions flash by as "London Calling" plays. Speaking of the music, most of the songs in this movie are awful mid-2000 songs (the Michelle Branch one notwithstanding because I love her first album). The mid-2000s truly had the worst music of all time. The movie begins with a song called "Good Life" by Leslie Mills (never heard of her) and it contains insipid lyrics such as "Gotta get me out of the junkyard heap, kicking back in marigold dream" and "Falling in love under the raspberry sun, turn up the stereo, have some fun" and "Bean bags, bobby pins, glitter gel, I'm home again." Like, WTF are these terrible lyrics? Just because they rhyme doesn't mean they're good. No wonder nobody's ever heard of this woman (who I assume also wrote the song, but I could be wrong).

She checks into a hostel and meets a boy named Ian who works there as one of his many day jobs. Right away you know the movie is setting them up for a romance, even though it isn't needed. I understand why they want to give Daphne an ally while she's in London, but the romance part seemed forced.

Henry is running for Prime Minister and Daphne sees him on TV and learns that he is getting married to a woman who has a daughter about Daphne's age. I really thought Daphne was going to try to break them up, but if anything, its the mother, Glynnis (Anna Chancellor), and daughter, Clarissa, who are trying to make Daphne leave.

Daphne only has a photo of her father from the eighties, but she seems to know exactly where he lives. I guess since he's a well-known member of society, it was easy finding his home (not to mention it's a huge manor). Instead of going through the front (guarded) gates and asking to speak to him, she decides it would be more fun to sneak in through the back and go over a brick wall and into the garden maze. I guess this is done for comedy purposes as Glynnis and Clarissa are sitting in the kitchen and Clarissa keeps seeing flashes of what she believes is a "large bird". At one point, Daphne stands directly in front of the window and Clarissa screams and clearly sees a human has intruded upon their grounds. Henry thinks it's the paparazzi and calls security, which prompts Daphne to run away. Seriously, what was her plan here? They will call back to this scene later in the film when Daphne and Henry are trying to get away from the paparazzi who are in front of the house, so Daphne has him climb over the back gates, so I guess in the context it makes sense.

Henry catches her and demands to know which paper she's working for and Daphne springs the surprise on him that she's his daughter. She also does this in front of Glynnis, Clarissa, and Henry's mother, Jocelyn (Eileen Atkins), the first two who are scandalized. They let Daphne stay at their house (it's not like they don't have enough rooms to spare!) and Daphne claims her room is bigger than her apartment back home, which is true. She gives Jocelyn a hug who recoils and tells her, "I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses." I'm not British, so maybe that's why this joke went over my head. I guess they're saying British people tend not to be very affectionate. Henry calls Libby to tell her that Daphne is with him. It's a bit weird that he knows her number when they haven't spoken in seventeen years! Also, if Libby knew her daughter was headed to London to find her father, why didn't she give Henry a heads up? I assume she also had his number.

We see a scene of Henry talking to his campaign manager, Allistair (Jonathan Pryce) who also managed Henry's father's campaign and is the father of Glynnis. Allistair is worried about this American teenager who is now living with them, but Henry assures him that Daphne is a soft-spoken, well-behaved young woman and as he says these things, we see juxtapositions of Daphne being obnoxious and doing things like sliding around on the wood floor in her socks, boxer shorts, and a t-shirt like she's Tom Cruise or something or walking around in her tank top and pajama bottoms while dancing and listening to her awful mid-2000s music on her headphones. You're a guest in this house, girl, have a little decorum.

Pretty much the next part of the movie is Daphne attending all these important events with her father and his fiancee and stepdaughter to be. Glynnis and Clarissa are always trying to sabotage Daphne and make her look like a fool, but Daphne seems to one up them most of the time. When she's invited to the Royal Fashion Show, Clarissa tells her she should wear something "funky"; that if she were to show up in pearls and a sensible dress, she would be a "plonker". Daphne wears jeans and a tank top (the only thing she appears to own) and shows up late at the show and ends up being confused with one of the models (even though they're all modeling dresses...how did the dumb idiot backstage mistake her for a model?) and she ends up walking the runway, instead, of you know, getting down as quickly and discreetly as possible. People seem to love her, though, but she ends up falling where faux Prince Charles is sitting with his two faux sons, William and Harry.

Daphne realizes that Clarissa did not explain it all to her and she calls her "my evil stepsister" and I had to laugh when she asks Clarissa if she's seen "Cinderella" and says, "Let me clue you in: I win."

She goes to another event that's a coming out party for the twin daughters of another Lord. Again, Clarissa and Glynnis try to sabotage her by picking out the most hideous dress for her to wear, but she ends up altering it so she's the most beautiful girl there. It's not a very happening party and Clarissa is being rude about it, so Daphne convinces Ian, who is playing with his band (and Ian and his band will show up at another three more events in this movie; apparently he's the only gig in London) and he plays a James Brown song and the music is so loud that it shatters a huge chandelier that's the pride and joy of the Lord that lives there. Henry saves her by getting her out of there as quickly as possible, but the press (why are they even there at a private event?) get their picture anyway.

This is around the part of the movie where Daphne starts to bond with her dad. She learns that they both love '70s music and Coco Pops. Yes, you read that right. Apparently the movie didn't get the right to Coco Puffs. They also use All-Bran for another made up cereal because when Daphne sees Henry pouring himself a bowl of Coco Pops, she tells him she thought he would be an All-Bran guy. Henry also gets concerned when he sees Daphne going out with Ian who drives a motorbike and is in a band. This is especially hilarious because Ian is the least threatening boy ever. Like I said earlier, I could care less about the romance between Daphne and Ian. Yawn.

After a few more mishaps with Daphne (she can't help it! She's kooky and free-spirited!), Henry sits down with her to tell her that a certain code of behavior is expected with this family, so she trades her jeans and funky jewelry for tweed jackets, skirts and pearls and attends functions without acting like a fool anymore. This angers Ian and he tells her he wants the old Daphne back.

Towards the end of the movie, her father throws a big, fancy party for Daphne's honor which will be attended by the Queen (and Ian is playing it with his band, which I find hilarious; why would he agree to play that party if he's so angry with Daphne?) and Jocelyn has invited Libby. Clearly Henry still has feelings for her when he sees her and asks her to dance which infuriates Glynnis. Daphne overhears Glynnis and Allistair talking of how he got rid of Libby once and he can do it again. Ruh-roh! Glynnis locks her in a closet (what are wicked stepmothers for?) and chooses that moment to have Ian play the traditional father-daughter dance and has Clarissa dance with Henry. Libby finds and frees her daughter and when Glynnis puts her hands on Daphne to keep her from interrupting her dad and Clarissa, she tells her, "Keep your hands off my daughter or you'll get a Broadway musical, not just a scene." Heh. I thought that was a good line.

Daphne tells Clarissa and her dad that she doesn't want any of this and she and her mom head back to New York. We get a few scenes of her looking sad, but we all know how this story is going to end, especially after we see a scene of Henry announcing he's stepping down from his position and basically tells Glynnis it's over. He flies to New York where he and Daphne finally get their father-daughter dance to "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?" Well, it's half a dance because he also brought Ian to surprise her and they start dancing, so he starts dancing with Libby and obviously they get back together and officially get married and they all live in Henry's manor.

Oh, so throughout the movie (like in two scenes) Daphne has been applying to different colleges. The funniest line in the movie is at the end when she tells the audience, "I didn't get into NYU, but I got into Oxford!" Wait......what? HUH? WTF? EXCUSE ME??? She wasn't accepted into NYU, but yet she got into freaking Oxford which is probably even more prestigious than Harvard? HOW THE MOTHEREFFINGHELL DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? Me thinks Daddy Warbucks did some illegal underground paperwork to get her in and worked his privileges and connections. This girl doesn't even know that "loo" means toilet in England. We never got any sense that she was a serious, Ivy League scholar. In a movie full of questionable things, that was probably the most unbelievable.