Do You Want To Build a Snowman?

Jack Frost

Director: Troy Miller

Cast: Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston, Joseph Cross, Mark Addy

Released: December 11, 1998

This is a weird movie. I had never seen it before until now, but the only think I knew was that Michael Keaton's character dies and he is reincarnated into a snowman with the help of his young son. The first half hour of the movie he is alive and, well, honestly, I kept waiting for him to die. (Well, I knew it was eventually going to come!) He plays Jack Frost (yes, that's his real name; who names their child 'Jack Frost'?) and he's in a band called The Jack Frost Band (very original) that sometimes get air time in the small town they live in, Medford, Colorado. The radio station seems to pride itself on playing music from the '70s and '90s and promises it won't play anything from the '60s or '80s. Wouldn't it make more sense to play something from two consecutive decades? I would rank the '70s as my least favorite for music from those four decades, so I wouldn't be listening to that station! The Jack Frost Band has a song called "Frosty the Snowman." No, it's not a cover; it's an original song. At the beginning of the movie, we see them playing and a talent agent is there and is just so amazed by them. :::whispers:::: They're not that good. 

Jack is married to Gabby (Kelly Preston) and they have a ten-year-old son named Charlie (Joseph Cross). Charlie is on the hockey team and he wants his dad to attend the big game. His dad has band practice or a gig or something to do with his band, but he promises Charlie he'll be there. When he's saying this, I thought for sure he was going to get killed in an accident while driving there, but that doesn't happen. He does miss the game and Gabby is furious with him since he promised Charlie he would be there. He apologizes to Charlie and gives him a harmonica that's special to him because he got it the day Charlie was born. He tells Charlie it's a "magical" harmonica because he can hear it whenever Charlie plays it, no matter where he is. Since Christmas is near, he tells Charlie that he has a great idea of the three of them spending the day at their cabin in the mountains with no distractions and have a nice family Christmas and Charlie loves this idea.

Somewhere between this scene and before Christmas Eve, Jack and his son build a snowman and Charlie tells his dad it looks like him (it doesn't) because it's wearing his hat or something. I don't know. 

On Christmas Eve they've got the car packed and are ready to go to the cabin, but Jack gets a phone call from a big name label that wants to listen to The Jack Frost Band and potentially sign them. When he tells this to his family, they are ecstatic for him, but when he reveals he has to do it tomorrow (which is Christmas Day), they are not so happy. Gabby is a little more understanding and asks him how long he would have to play. He says only a couple songs, it wouldn't be a full set. Both him and Gabby think he'll be able to play the set, but still be able to spend time at the cabin. Charlie, however, is not happy about this at all and he gives his dad the harmonica back, telling him he doesn't want it anymore. 

Jack and his friend, Mac (Mark Addy), who's also the band's keyboardist, are driving to the gig in one car while the rest of the band and equipment are following them in a van. At one point, Jack tells Mac to pull over. He has decided he needs to be with his family and that they're more important than his career. He takes Mac's car and its now dark and snowy and the windshield wipers won't work and he's driving through a windy mountain road and I knew this was when he was going to die. 

Ironically, if he had just stayed with his band, he not only would have (most likely) still been alive, but he probably would have had a very lucrative career and I'm sure his son would have forgiven him for missing the Christmas when he was ten. But now he's dead and Gabby is working two jobs: we see her as a teller at the bank and a teacher at Charlie's school. Well, maybe she's just volunteering at the school; I wasn't really sure. 

After the car careens off the mountain, the screen goes black, then we are given a title card saying that it's one year later. This surprised me somewhat because I was thinking the snowman that Charlie and his dad had built was the one that is reincarnated into Jack. But it does make sense that they let a year go by because it would be a lot to deal with in this family comedy if we had to see how a young boy copes with the death of his father right after it happens. He's still pretty torn up about it a year later which is understandable. 

He has withdrawn from his friends and has quit the hockey team. One of his friends is played by Andy Lawrence and I'm like, okay, that's the one who wasn't on Blossom or Boy Meets World. Mika Boorem plays another friend who is also on the hockey team and I think she lives next door to him and I think she has a crush on Charlie, but they don't really explore that. We also never see them walk home together, so I may be wrong on her being his next door neighbor. There's also a bully named Rory who picks on Charlie and we see this in a scene before Jack dies and Charlie is usually able to get the upper hand on Rory. 

One snowy evening, Charlie builds a snowman while "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac plays over the scene. He draws the snowman's mouth in the snow instead of using material like most kids would do, but this is probably for the sake of the production of the snowman (which was created with puppetry and some CGI). He's wearing a hat (the one that made him look like Jack) and a red scarf. He has a cork for a nose and his eyebrows are made out of pine needles, which I thought was clever. I can't tell what his eyes are made out of. 

Even though Charlie gave the harmonica to his dad before he died, he has it back and starts playing it in his room. We see some wind whip around the snowman and voila!, he comes alive. Okay, if I had built a snowman and it came alive, I would be terrified. Espeically if it looked like this snowman. And Charlie is terrified. Jack doesn't seem to realize he's a snowman until he sees his reflection in the mirror and even that doesn't deter him from people seeing him walk around town. 

When Charlie is pelted by snowballs the next day by Rory the bully, Snowman Jack has followed him and starts launching snowballs at Rory, just like that scene in Elf when Buddy pelts snowballs at the kids. Rory and his minions start chasing after him and Snowman Jack saves the day by rescuing him on a sled and they go down the mountain (I didn't even realize they were on top of a mountain in the first place) with the bully entourage chasing him with sleds and snowboards set to some very '90s song. I did some research and found it was "Hey Now Now" by Swirl 360, a song or a group I'm pretty sure I've never heard of in my life...and I was around in the' 90s. The song is so '90s it simultaneously made me cringe and feel nostalgic. While they're sledding down the mountain, Snowman Jack says, "I'm the man! No, I'm the snowman!" Insert groan here. 

Since the snowman helped Charlie escape the big bully and the little bullies, he thinks it might actually be his dad, so he asks him a few simple questions that his dad should know, right? Wrong! Jack gets them both wrong! But then he calls Charlie "Charlie-boy" while he's talking to him and Charlie is all, "What did you call me?" And this is his proof that the snowman is his dad. Really? I honestly feel like any random person could just guess that "Charlie-boy" is his nickname. I don't think that would be enough proof for me, but it's enough for this eleven-year-old. 

I mentioned that this was the first time seeing this movie and while watching it, I thought that perhaps the snowman isn't actually sentient; perhaps it's all in Charlie's mind and he's just imagining it to be alive because his grief is still so fresh. Charlie tells his dad that he came alive as a snowman after he played the harmonica and says he didn't know it really was magical and even Jack admits that he was bs-ing him when he said that. Being that this is just an ordinary harmonica, I wondered if Charlie had created this fantasy when he played the harmonica. However, there were a few scenes that made me question if this could actually be the case. Snowman Jacks tells Charlie he's hungry, so they go back to the house where Charlie gives him frozen vegetables (I guess that's what snowmen eat? Why would a snowman even need to eat anything? It's a snowman!) and while they're in the kitchen, they don't hear Gabby's car pull up. She's walking towards the house and notices the snowman isn't there. Snowman Jack is hiding in the pantry and Charlie tries to distract his mother until the snowman can go back to the front yard where it was. When Gabby opens the blinds, she sees the snowman back in its place and just thinks she's losing her mind. The only thing I could explain for this scenario if the snowman isn't sentient is that Charlie brought in the snowman himself (Gabby did mention the floor was all wet). 

Charlie isn't the only one to witness a talking and moving snowman; his hockey coach sees Snowman Jack when Jack, who seems to forget that he's a freaking talking snowman, stops the coach in his car to ask him something and the man just screams. We will see later that he's being interviewed on TV about it and when the reporter asks if there were any other witnesses around (heh, clearly she doesn't believe him), he can only tell her no. Also, when Rory was chasing Charlie down the mountain, Snowman Jack comes up from behind him to wipe him out and Rory sees a snowman on a sled and he screams, "Ahhh! Snowman!" 

So those two examples don't really help my case that the living snowman is all in Charlie's mind. Even though it's still December and we got a couple months of winter left, the weather is getting warmer and if Charlie doesn't help him, he's going to turn into a puddle. 

After some heart to hearts with his snowman dad, Chatrlie has decided to rejoin the hockey team and Snowman Jack goes all the way to the rec center or wherever they have hockey games and watch his son play hockey since he always missed it when he was alive. The best thing about this movie is the adorable pet dog Charlie has named Chester and he uses the dog to pull a sled. By this time Snowman Jack knows he can't just be walking about since he's a freaking snowman so he has the dog pull him on a sled. You might be thinking the dog was a husky or a Samoyed, but it was a Wire Fox Terrier; at least that's what Google told me. I knew it was a terrier, but I had to look up what breed it was. But whatever it is, it is an absolutely adorable dog and easily the best part of there movie.

So Snowman Jack makes it to his son's hockey game (don't worry, he's not sitting with the rest of the spectators, he's sort of hidden...somewhere) and he only sees about the last fifteen seconds of the game, but Charlie scores a goal and he's able to see that, whoopee. After the game, Charlie doesn't seem one bit surprised that he's there. He does notice his snowman dad needs to get somewhere colder because he's starting to melt. He runs to the bank his mom works at, telling her she needs to help him and admits the snowman is her deceased husband. Of course she doesn't believe him and basically tells him she's not driving a snowman up a mountain. I mean, can you blame her? She had seen him talking to the snowman and was worried about him, but never did she think it was this bad! She runs after him, but he's gone, so she goes to see if Mac can help. By this time, Charlie has spotted an alpine tree truck heading towards the mountain so he decides to get his snowman dad on the truck. He does this with the help of Rory, of all people. At first, Rory taunts the boy, but then Snowman Jack talks to him, startling the boy. It kind of reminded me when Woody talks to Sid, but Rory handles a sentiment snowman way better than Sid handled a sentient toy. I probably would be more like Sid. Rory has grown up without a dad...I think he's in jail, maybe? I don't know, but he knows what it's like to not have a dad so this makes the two boys bond, I guess, and he helps Charlie get Snowman Jack in the truck. Charlie also rides with him even though Snowman Jack could easily just jump out of the truck when the truck reaches the  top, but I guess they need Charlie here as part of the plot. 

So they go to the top of the mountain and jump out and slide down. There's lots of snow and it's very beautiful, but the jacket Charlie is wearing looks very light. Maybe it's one of those coats that are warmer than it looks. I also noticed that this kid never wears a scarf or anything to cover his neck or lower face and I can just imagine how cold he must get. Maybe it wasn't as cold as it looked, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a wimp when it comes to cold weather and I like to bundle up. But luckily, they are near their cabin, so Charlie is able to get warmed up on the couch in front of the fire. We don't see who made the fire, but how f***ed up would that be if the snowman made it? 

It's now dark outside and you can imagine that Gabby is besides herself with worry because her son not only thinks his dead dad is a snowman, but he's also missing. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, when she and Mac are looking for him, we see them go down a street, just missing Charlie and Snowman Jack jumping onto the truck. Gabby gets a phone call and it's Snowman Jack telling her that Charlie is safe and he's at the cabin. Gabby wants to know who's calling her, then realizes it sounds like Jack's voice and when she says "Jack"? he hangs up. I would be a little concerned if I were her and would probably call the cops to accompany me to the cabin. Who knows if this is some sick creep who kidnapped Charlie and maybe he knew Jack so he's able to impersonate his voice and now he's trying to lure Gabby into his trap. Just saying!

But Gabby drives up alone and there's nothing to worry about because it's just a sentient snowman who's her deceased husband. I guess the magical curse or whatever you want to call it wears off because the snowman disappears, but then we see Michael Keaton with a glow emitting from him as he says goodbye to his son and wife for the final time. By the time Gabby witnesses this, I knew for a fact that Michael Keaton was really a sentient snowman this entire time and Charlie wasn't just imagining it. I sort of figured this out earlier, but kept trying to tell myself that they would explain the odd things. No, it's a real f***ing snowman! That was brought to life by a regular old harmonica! O-kay! 

Another thing I felt they never address or maybe I just missed it, was if Gabby and Charlie knew that Jack was coming to see them at the cabin last year at Christmas? Did they figure out when they realized his car was coming towards them? But his car flew off a mountain, so how would they know if he was going towards the cabin or away from them? I kept waiting for Snowman Jack to tell Charlie this, but he never does. Maybe he just didn't want to make Charlie feel guilty. 

I suppose this could be classified as a Christmas movie and even though it's set around Christmas and there's a Christmas tree and Christmas decorations, it just doesn't feel like a Christmas movie. It feels more like a winter movie, you know, with the winter sports like hockey and snowboarding and, duh, the snowman. When I was looking up the song that played during the sledding scene, I noticed there were Christmas songs listed, but I honestly don't even remember hearing them. I doubt this is on anyone's top ten Christmas movie list, let alone top fifty! 

Okay, bye. 

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

Waiting to Exhale
Director: Forest Whitaker
Cast: Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, Loretta Devine, Lela Rochon, Dennis Haysbert, Gregory Hines, Donald Faison, Wesley Snipes
Released: December 22, 1995

It's always frustrating when you're about to watch a movie with four women as the leads and the only thing they talk about with each other is men and their relationships with men. This is one of those movies and they literally talk about nothing else. Sometimes you think they're going to talk about their jobs or something else, but the conversation will always veer back to men and how much men suck. I read the book right before I saw the movie and it's probably even worse because there's more of it. At least with the movie there are a few parts they took out for time. I had to laugh at one scene in the book where two characters are talking about (what else?) men and one of them says something like, "Can we please change the topic? We always talk about men" and I'm thinking, yeah, no sh*t, you really do, and then what happens? They go back to talking about men! :::bangs head against the table::: If I were friends with these women, I would be like, Please, for the love of God, please stop talking about your sh*tty boyfriends and the sh*tty men who want to date you! Don't you have any other interests? Apparently not.

So let me go through each character. We'll start with Bernadine who is played by Angela Bassett. She'll start out with long hair, but will get her hair cut pretty early in the film. It's kind of funny because her hair dresser friend, Gloria, doesn't want to cut her hair, so Bernadine cuts it herself and she ends up looking fabulous! She looks much better with short hair than she did with long hair. Of all the characters, she has the right to be the angriest at the man who screwed her over. Her storyline is her and her husband, John, are going through a nasty divorce. When we first meet her, she's getting ready to go to a New Year's party at her husband's office. When he suggests that they don't go, she looks relieved because she'd rather stay home, but then he tells her that HE is still going, but just with HER, meaning his secretary that he's having an affair with. Now she seemed to know who he meant so I was a little unclear of how long this affair had been going on and how long she had known about it. Were they going through with the divorce at this time, but were trying to keep up appearances for their kids' sake? I wasn't really sure about that. All we know is that he's leaving his wife of eleven years for a white woman. In the book, not only she is white, but she's supposed to be much younger, like mid-twenties. She's played by Kelly Preston in a cameo role who isn't that much younger than Angela Bassett in real life. It is made into a very big deal (especially more so in the book) that he is leaving her for a white woman. He even asks her if it would be better if he was leaving her for a black woman, to which she says no. I'm guessing they put that in because in the book I was kind of wondering the same thing. They almost make it seem (in both the movie and the book) that interracial relationships are much worse than, you know, cheating on your spouse. Three out of the four women in this commit adultery - yikes! And only one feels like she's doing something wrong. Besides cheating on his wife, John is just not a good guy. We learn a lot about him through exposition (done pretty obviously) when Bernadine is tossing a bunch of his clothes and other belongings in his car which she will set on fire. He is very successful with his own business (I don't really remember the specifics) that Bernadine helped him start and is a big reason of the success of it, even though he never acknowledges that. We learn in a throw away line that she wants to start her own catering business (even though we never see her cook and she never, ever talks about it with any of her friends), but John never allowed her to because he needed her to help with his company. Even though John is super successful which is evident from the house they live in, it turns out he has a lot more money that he was hiding from his wife. Not only that, but we find out, along with Bernadine, that he also owns an apartment building (!), 200 acres of farmland in California (!!), and a vineyard in Arizona (!!!).  She is finding this out for the first time, despite being married him for eleven years! He tells her to sell the house for money and offers to give her $300,000 on the spot, which seems like a lot, but she knows she can get more than that. She will find out that everything he purchased in the last ten years is in his name only, including the business that she helped build. Yeah, this guy is a douche bag and it makes me wonder if he was always this awful throughout their whole marriage or if she is just figuring this out. We're just kind of thrown into their marital problems so we don't really know about why they were together for so long. Bernadine comes off as very strong and confident, it really doesn't make sense why she was ever with this guy. She is also supposed to be super business-savvy, so the scene where she's having a garage sale and selling all of her husband's things (the stuff she didn't burn!) for one dollar each (including skis, golf clubs, and a CAR of all things) doesn't make any sense. This guy has some pretty nice stuff; WHY is she selling it only for a dollar? She could have been making a nice mini fortune, instead of getting, like, fifty dollars at the end of the day. I know, I know, it's supposed to be a statement that she's selling all his nice stuff so cheaply, but I don't think she really thought it through.

So now that John is trying to cheat Bernadine out of her fair share of their money, what does she do? Does she throw all of her anger into creating her catering business she has always wanted to started? Nope, she goes out with the girls one night at a club and starts dancing with a handsome man named Herbert who's an ex-football player and now is a sportscaster. Oh, and he's MARRIED. And it's not like she's just "friendly" dancing with him, no, she is all over him. She even tells her friends, "His wife's at home, he better watch out for me." She does end up sleeping with him. Um, does she even remember when she slapped the woman her husband is sleeping with? So by every right, Herbert's wife should be able to slap her. But as far as the movie is concerned, Mrs. Herbert never finds out. I guess Bernadine thinks it's okay to sleep with him since it doesn't mean anything, while her husband's adultery feels like more betrayal since he is leaving her to marry the other woman? :::shrug::: It sounds like she only slept with Herbert once (while in the book, it's way more than once), but he is calling and paging (hehe, how' 90s!) at "all hours of the night" and even showed up to her house unannounced. Geeze, this guy fell for her fast and hard.

While having a drink at a hotel bar (don't ask me why she was there), a man hits on her so obviously it's down-right cringey. Even she is not impressed. This man, named James (played by Wesley Snipes in an uncredited role) is not only married, but he's married to a white woman. (I mean, what are the odds for Bernadine to be hit on by a black guy who is with a white woman?) But guys, it's okay that he's blatantly hitting on Bernadine even though he is married because his wife is dying of breast cancer. (Haha, so in my notes, it says breath cancer, but I'm pretty sure that's not a thing!) I mean, dude, at least wait until your wife is GONE before you start looking for your next wife. They go up to his room to get it on and he tells her he hasn't had sex in over a year because his wife stopped wanting to. They don't have sex, but just spoon on the bed. Maybe it was because Bernadine felt guilty because the guy's wife was on her deathbed or maybe, unlike Herbert, she made a connection with James and actually liked him and didn't want to start their relationship being an adulterer. She does hear from James later in the movie via a letter he sends her. It is implied they will get together after all is said and done.

At the settlement, Bernadine wins big when she is rewarded 1.5 million dollars, $500,000 in stocks and bonds, a Mercedes station wagon, the house, and another house in Acapulco, Mexico. Hmmm, I almost think her husband cheating on her is the best thing that could ever happen to her! I'm sure there's a throwaway line about her starting her catering business, but I could be thinking about the book.

Next, we'll discuss Savannah, played by Whitney Houston. Now if you just watched the movie without having read the book, you might miss the part where she is moving from Denver to Phoenix, where the movie is set. In a very quick scene, you see her driving a car and in a voiceover she says she's moving because "all the men are dead" in Denver. Savannah, we all know you're moving to Phoenix because you got a job there. Also, because your friend, Bernadine, lives there. So in the book, she is introduced to the two other women (and is extremely judgmental of them, especially Robin, my God!), but in the movie, she's never introduced to them. We just see her interacting with them as though she's known them all her life. It almost feels like she used to live in Phoenix, moved to Denver, then moved back to Phoenix. They really just should have had this character be from Phoenix the entire time. One of the things that drove me f***king crazy in the book is that all the characters kept bitching about how boring Phoenix was and how much they hated it there. And it wasn't like it was one line, no, it was often repeated. Y'all are f**king fictional characters; you can live anywhere you want; STFU and just MOVE!  Thankfully they took all that out in the movie.

So Savannah gets to say the title of the movie. Of course she does since she's played by Whitney Houston (btw, there is a scene in the book where that character is listening to Whitney Houston...super weird!) It comes super early. She's at a New Year's Eve party slow dancing with a man named Lionel who she's met at the party as a blind date set up. You could say she wants to dance with somebody, she wants to feel the heat with somebody, yeah, she wants to dance with somebody - with somebody who loves her. Anyway, in a super cheesy voiceover, she says, "And then I did it....I closed my eyes and I exhaled and pretended the man was mine and he was everything I dreamed of." Okay, so technically she didn't say the actual title, but she got to exhale after waiting so long for a good man to come along. Now don't get too excited. We're not even ten minutes into the movie; there's no way this is the man she's been waiting all her life for. In fact, right after their dance, another woman comes up to them and tells Lionel he hasn't danced with her yet and Lionel introduced her to Savannah as "his friend". Yeah, whatever.

We do find out that Lionel called Savannah after their date and they end up going out and sleeping together. We also learn that Savannah finds out she doesn't even like the guy, but is so desperate to get laid, she just deals with the stuff that irritates her about him which includes finding out he has no income (yep, that's a deal breaker!), he chain smokes (she smokes too; but she seems to be more of a social smoker...I was kind of surprised that three out of the four women smoke in this!); brags about being a vegetarian, but inhaled three hots dogs (dude, you're not a vegetarian, then!) and she gave him twenty dollars for gas which only cost $7.18 (for gas, can you imagine! Oh, to be living in 1995 (much better than 2020, am I right?!?!) and he didn't even give her any change.

He quickly disappears and Savannah's ex, Kenneth, calls her out of the blue, telling her he's coming to Phoenix for a conference and would like to see her. On paper, Kenneth seems like a great catch. He's good-looking, well educated, I want to say he's a doctor, maybe? He's also going to be the POTUS in a few years and fight some terrorism alongside Jack Bauer cuz he's played by Dennis Haysbert aka President David Palmer aka the All State guy. Unfortunately, Savannah was NOT in good hands with him! (I can't take credit for that joke!) The man is married, for one thing, and has a seven-year-old daughter. He tells Savannah that he married his wife when she was five months pregnant. I'm not really sure why they broke up in the first place. He tells Savannah that she is the only woman he's ever loved (so he married a woman he didn't even love? Yes, I realize it's complicated cuz there's a child involved). We get a super cheesy sex scene between them with lots of slow motion and a slow song.

Savannah calls one of her friends, asking, "How will I know if he really loves me? I'm asking you cuz you know about these things." Kenneth calls his wife, telling her he's going to have to probably visit Phoenix a few more times for more "conferences", uh-huh. He keeps telling Savannah he's going to divorce his wife for her, but of course, he never does and she soon realizes it's never going to happen. The real kicker is when he tells her she's going to have to wait a little bit longer because his wife is having a baby. It's like, dude, are you serious?

Guess who my least favorite character in this movie is. You'd think it would be one of the many loser men that these women keep finding themselves attracting, but nope, it was Savannah's mother. This woman....ugh. First of all, she's the one who gave Kenneth Savannah's number even though she knew the man was married. When Savannah mentions this, she says, "How happy can he be if he went and found me to get to you?" She tells her, "Every woman needs a man", which is not only extremely sexist and setting feminism back about fifty years, but also a little bit homophobic, no? I'm just saying if Savannah told her mom she was with a woman, I don't think she'd take it very well. After Savannah tells Kenneth once and for all to get out of her life for good, her mother calls her to tell her that Kenneth called her, crying, and tells her, "Men don't cry over woman unless they love them" and asks her how she could be so insensitive. Why is Savannah's mother taking this man's side over her own daughter's? I feel like she's the one who's being insensitive! Savannah tells her, "I am sick of you telling me how I should live my life, who you think I should love, marry. I'm sick of it!" I'm all, Yes! You tell her, Savannah! And then her mom has the gall to say, "It isn't too late! He's begging on his knees and you're letting him get away." Again, why is her mother not listening to her? Savannah tells her, "I have a job. I have friends. I have interests you don't even ask about. (She does?) Only one thing counts with you, Mama."  She tells her mom that she should be proud that she'd rather live alone then crawl up behind some two timing loser like Kenneth. This woman keeps defending Kenneth! She tells her daughter "He's a good man, he's just in a bad situation right now and trying to get out of it." Savannah snaps at her "Why don't you f**king marry him, then?" and hangs up on her. Oooooh, burn! She does call her back to apologize because the movie has established that they do have a good relationship even though her mother sucks. She tells her she didn't mean to disrespect her, but she meant what she said about her life. He mom tells her she just doesn't want her to end up alone like her. What happened with her and her husband? I don't know. But maybe stop trying to set up your daughter with married men.

I should probably mention the theme song since Whitney Houston (duh, obviously) sings it. It's played in the movie for about sixty seconds when she's about to meet Kenneth and then we never hear it again. It's possible it's played during the ending credits after "Count on Me" which is the first song that's played as the credits roll, but I didn't watch all the credits to find out. I like the song just fine, but I feel like when it was written, they couldn't think of any lyrics during the "Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop de doop" part so they just made up words and just forgot to go back and put in actual words.

Now let's talk about Robin played by Lela Rochan. She's dating a married man (of course) named Russell who she's very attracted to. Well, I don't know if "dating" is the right word because he's the one who decides when they're going to meet and when it's most convenient for him. She is trying to meet other men so we see her in her bedroom with Michael, a man she works with at an insurance company where he's been promoted to her marketing team. I don't know if they've been on a couple dates before or if she works this fast. Something tells me it's the latter because she is clearly not attracted to him. He is a little bit overweight and has an extremely annoying personality. They have sex even though she is clearly not enjoying it. Why is she sleeping with a man she's not attracted to or even likes? I don't know. Because she's stupid. It's a good thing she's pretty. They're trying to make it a hilarious scene, but really, it's just awkward and uncomfortable. There's a moment when she thinks, "I could have had a V8". She'd rather have a blended vegetable drink than have sex with that man. Again, why are you sleeping with him?? These are the moments when I really hate this movie. Afterwards, Robin has this stone cold look on her face and Michael asks her how it was for her. Dude, read the f**king room! He tells her, "Tell me what you want, what you need. Because whatever it is, I'm gonna see you have it." The things she says do make sense, but the way this speech is said is a bit odd. Let me list each point she makes:
-First she says she wants a house in Scottsdale and Michael tells her he has a house there. Okay, that's fine.
-Next, she says she wants to get married and have kids, again, which is fine.
-Then, she says she wants to eat out 2-3 times a WEEK! At first, I thought she was going to say a month, but no, A WEEK! What the actual f**k? Does that seem a little extreme to anyone? She's not going to be able to maintain her figure if she goes out to eat that many times a week! Why does she need to eat out that many times in a week? Why is this the third thing she lists?
-Then she tells him she wants to have babies. Um, you mentioned this already in your first point when she said you wanted kids. Same thing.
-Then she mentions she would like to go away for long weekends. Okay, fair enough.
-Then, AGAIN, for the THIRD time, she says she wants to have a family. We get it! You want to get married and have kids. You've already told him this like five seconds ago!!
-Then she ends that she wants to be happy which is a good way to end this terrible speech. I mean, seriously, where were the editors for this screenplay? Did they not realize she was being super redundant in this? Also the whole eating out thing was weird. Yes, it's in the book, but we don't always have to keep everything from the book. She only mentions wanting kids once, though, in the book.

Michael tells her he can give her all that, plus more, and they have much better sex. However, their relationship doesn't go anywhere. She ends up firing him because he challenges her or something. I wasn't quite clear, but they break up. When she's out with her friends at a club and sees him entering with another woman, she looks super jealous.

She starts dating another guy, Troy, who she picked up at a grocery store and who she's much more attracted to. They've known each other for only three days and I don't know which is more surprising:  a) that he wants her to meet his mother already, or b) that he takes her to a coke party. And I'm not talking about the drink. It's funny because he's smoking as they're driving to the drug party and we hear her voiceover say, "I wish he didn't smoke, but I can live with one bad habit." Oh, you have no idea, honey. Run far, far, away from this one. When she finds out there are drugs at the party, she just wants to go home and eventually they do leave. She figures since this is the first time a man has asked her to meet his mother, "maybe he's not into this stuff all that much and maybe if we got to know each other better, I might be a good influence on him." Uh-huh, keep dreaming, honey.  In the end, Robin decides not to meet his mother.  He comes to pick her up two hours later, higher than a kite, wearing jeans and a black leather vest (in Phoenix in the summer!) and complaining how hot it is. He also mentions he has a thirteen-year-old son that she didn't know about.

So we get an interesting phone call between Robin and Savannah, who seems to know an awful lot about cocaine and the people who use it. This is a bit unfortunate; history was not kind to this scene. Robin tells Savannah she can't find her wallet and Savannah predicts that Troy took it. Robin gets another call from Russell, the man she's trying to break away from because she's just his mistress and he's never going to leave his wife, but when he asks her if she wants some company, she answers yes right away, explaining why he has her wrapped around his finger. This woman is so desperate, it's really quite nauseating. We get an explanation from Robin, telling us the last time she was with Russell, he told he he wanted to spend the whole night, except he had to take his mother to church the next morning. Please tell me she did not fall for this bs lie!

While taking to Savannah (for some reason there were quite a few scenes with just Savannah and Robin, even though Savannah was closest to Bernadine; they also matched up Bernadine and Gloria often), we learn that Robin had an abortion. After Savannah tells her about Kenneth, Robin says, "There was a woman in your same situation. This man kept saying he was going to leave, too. Quit her job, moved to the city he lived in. Found out she was three months pregnant. Dumped the woman because he didn't want to hurt his kids." Then Savannah asks her, "What show was this on?" because she thinks Robin is talking about a segment she saw on a daytime talk show. Doesn't she realize Robin is talking about herself? DUHHHH. Robin replies with, "I've never been on Oprah."

Robin, who has always wanted a baby, is pregnant with Russell's baby (again), but this time she's going to keep it and tells him she doesn't want anything from him.

Last, but not least, is Gloria, played by Loretta Devine. She is my favorite of the four women because she has the least drama. She is a hairdresser who has her own salon, but they should have made her the one with a catering company. They probably didn't do this because they didn't want to make the "fat" one of the group the one who likes to cook (even though she likes to cook). I get the feeling she's supposed to be a lot bigger in the book, maybe to the point of being obese. She has a heart attack (they took it out in the movie) and Savannah being the total judgmental bitch that she is has the gall to tell Gloria that she could probably get a man if she lost some weight. Luckily they kept this out of the movie.

Gloria has a teen son named Tarik (played by Donald Faison, who was also in Clueless the same year), who instead of going to college where he has been accepted to Arizona University, wants to travel to Spain to play the saxophone in the Up with People International Choir.

Tarik's father, David, who was never married to his mother, is coming to visit, but he doesn't want to see him because they don't have a very close relationship. He's also mad that his mother slept with him the last time he visited and she is planning on doing so again because Tarik is spending the night at a friend's. David, who is, er, was, bi-sexual, tells her he is now just gay so he has no interest in spending the night with her. When I was looking at the cast list for this movie, I saw Giancarlo Esposito's name in this and I was racking my brain, thinking of who he played, but he was David! He looked so different! I guess I'm used to seeing him as Gus Fringe in a yellow button down shirt and being super menacing. Also, after watching him in many episodes of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul; it's weird when he doesn't have an accent!

Gloria has a new neighbor, Marvin (Gregory Hines) who she introduces herself to. There's this super weird moment where the camera lingers on his crotch and butt and he's wearing super baggy jeans. I should mention this movie was the directorial debut of Forrest Whitaker and let's just say he should stick to acting. There was some weird choices, this one included. There was just too much '90s cheese on this. Marvin, who is a widower, tells Gloria that he "likes women with a little meat on her bones" and mentions that his wife was a "big woman" which is an adjective I'm sure every woman loves to be called.

Gloria invites him over for dinner, telling him, "It's just leftovers: collard greens, corn bread, candied yams, potato salad, fried chicken ham, and peach cobbler." We see one of the meals she made; I think it was friend chicken with biscuits and cole slaw and it looked delicious; this is why she should have been the caterer. Where is Bernadine's mouth watering food? Oh, right, we never see her make anything! I do love that Gloria is the only one to end up with a man; good for her. Oh, well I guess Bernadine also ends up with a man.

One of the very few scenes where the four women are together is Gloria's birthday. We see this amazing cake, that looks like it came from a bakery, but it's possible she made it. This scene would be the perfect opportunity for them to talk about anything but men, but guess what they talk about? I'll give you one guess (because you're going to guess it correctly!) Savannah mentions that none of them have a man. Who the f**k cares? Then she says, "I'm 33 and I still look good." (FYI: she's 36 or 37 in the book). WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K??????????? What is that supposed to mean? Thirty-three is not that old; damn, I would hope you still look good at the age of 33 or else you have a huge f**king problem!! Then we get some huge whiplash from Bernadine. One minute she's about to angry call her husband's new girlfriend, then she's crying, then she's giggling and laughing as they dance to "Creep" by TLC (great song). This all happens in the span of about ninety seconds.

Another scene where all four of them are together is at the end when they're headed to a New Year's party, so we've just spent an entire year with these women. The last shot is the four of them by a bonfire and there's a weird super slow motion of them hugging. Okay, I'm done with this review...I can now exhale!

An American in London

What a Girl Wants
Director: Dennie Gordon
Cast: Amanda Bynes, Colin Firth, Kelly Preston, Eileen Atkins, Anna Chancellor, Jonathan Pryce
Released: April 4, 2003

Let me rank all the things titled "What a Girl Wants" I've come across in my life:

1. Boutique in Langely, Washington. Back in 2004 when my cousin got married on Whidbey Island, my mom, my aunt, her daughter, and I would visit this shop daily because it was within walking distance from the inn we were staying at. (I think everything was in walking distance, though). This shop was accurately named as it had clothes, jewelry, accessories, knickknacks, pretty much everything was pink and girly. Now I'm not a girly girl but even I oohed and aahed over this shop. We spent a lot of time (and money!) in that store. My cousin bought a brown leather bag with a cat on it and a black top with a white collar and I bought a black tote bag with pink lining and a pink poodle holding an umbrella on it, a matching coin purse (I don't particularly like poodles, but I guess I thought it was super cute and had to have it!), a pink oval alarm clock with a black cat on it, a white top with a boat neckline and a ribbon around the collar and a black top with sleeves that had black laces. The only things I still have are the tote bag and coin purse.

2. Christina Aguilera song. If this were my favorite song of hers, it would rank #1, but it's not, though it's certainly in the top tier. The only thing that could have made the What a Girl Wants boutique in Whidbey Island better is if they had "What a Girl Wants" playing on a loop. Every time you say "What a Girl Wants" in whatever context, you have to sing it to the tune of the song, am I right?

3. This movie. Just because I have this ranked last doesn't mean I didn't like it, but it also means I don't love it. It's also ranked last because I don't understand why the movie has the title it does. At least it makes sense the Whidbey Island boutique and Christina Aguilera song being called "What a Girl Wants." It just seems like a generic title for the movie and there had to be a better title for it. They don't even play the Christinas Aguilera song in the movie. What's up with that?

Good on Colin Firth for being a good sport to be in a movie that's (barely) one step above a tween movie that you would see on the Disney Channel. Of course, this was years before he won his Oscar for The King's Speech, heck, it was even before Love, Actually, which is the first thing I knew him from. Oh, wait, I guess he was in Bridget Jones's Diary, but to be fair I've only seen that movie once and I've seen Love, Actually at least ten times. I will still sometimes say "Just in cases" randomly. Looking at his IMDb, he was also in Shakespeare in Love, but I definitely do not remember him in that! The only thing I literally remember from that movie is Gwyneth Paltrow spinning around in her corset and saying "It is a new day" and that probably isn't even right!

Also in this movie is Amanda Bynes. Oh, yes, remember her? She's a former child star who has gone through some rough patches. I remember her from her All That days. God, she was annoying in that show, wasn't she? Granted, she was like, what? Seven, eight, nine? She was in a handful of movies in the mid 2000s and she always seemed to play the same character (wacky, outspoken), though I only saw this one and She's The Man, so I could be wrong. She plays a seventeen-year-old girl named Daphne who lives in New York with her mom, Libby (Kelly Preston). Daphne really wants to meet her father who doesn't even know she exists. We know the backstory of her parents is that her mother, a free-spirited wedding singer (who can't particularly sing very well) met Henry Dashwood (the guy Colin Firth plays) when they were both in Morocco and fell in love and got married, though its uncertain if they were actually legally married. He brings her back to England so they can get married for real, but she doesn't quite fit in with his rich, uptight family and leaves. He never knew she was pregnant.

Henry thinks Libby left because there was someone else and Libby left because she thinks it's what Henry wanted.

Daphne often works as a waitress at the weddings her mom sings at and she gets sad every time her mom sings a song (like "Because You Loved Me") for the father-daughter dance and laments how she will never be able to have a father-daughter dance. She decides it's time she find and meet her father, so she flies to London and leaves her mom a voice recording explaining where she is. When she first arrives in London we get a cliched montage of her on a double decker bus as all the tourist attractions flash by as "London Calling" plays. Speaking of the music, most of the songs in this movie are awful mid-2000 songs (the Michelle Branch one notwithstanding because I love her first album). The mid-2000s truly had the worst music of all time. The movie begins with a song called "Good Life" by Leslie Mills (never heard of her) and it contains insipid lyrics such as "Gotta get me out of the junkyard heap, kicking back in marigold dream" and "Falling in love under the raspberry sun, turn up the stereo, have some fun" and "Bean bags, bobby pins, glitter gel, I'm home again." Like, WTF are these terrible lyrics? Just because they rhyme doesn't mean they're good. No wonder nobody's ever heard of this woman (who I assume also wrote the song, but I could be wrong).

She checks into a hostel and meets a boy named Ian who works there as one of his many day jobs. Right away you know the movie is setting them up for a romance, even though it isn't needed. I understand why they want to give Daphne an ally while she's in London, but the romance part seemed forced.

Henry is running for Prime Minister and Daphne sees him on TV and learns that he is getting married to a woman who has a daughter about Daphne's age. I really thought Daphne was going to try to break them up, but if anything, its the mother, Glynnis (Anna Chancellor), and daughter, Clarissa, who are trying to make Daphne leave.

Daphne only has a photo of her father from the eighties, but she seems to know exactly where he lives. I guess since he's a well-known member of society, it was easy finding his home (not to mention it's a huge manor). Instead of going through the front (guarded) gates and asking to speak to him, she decides it would be more fun to sneak in through the back and go over a brick wall and into the garden maze. I guess this is done for comedy purposes as Glynnis and Clarissa are sitting in the kitchen and Clarissa keeps seeing flashes of what she believes is a "large bird". At one point, Daphne stands directly in front of the window and Clarissa screams and clearly sees a human has intruded upon their grounds. Henry thinks it's the paparazzi and calls security, which prompts Daphne to run away. Seriously, what was her plan here? They will call back to this scene later in the film when Daphne and Henry are trying to get away from the paparazzi who are in front of the house, so Daphne has him climb over the back gates, so I guess in the context it makes sense.

Henry catches her and demands to know which paper she's working for and Daphne springs the surprise on him that she's his daughter. She also does this in front of Glynnis, Clarissa, and Henry's mother, Jocelyn (Eileen Atkins), the first two who are scandalized. They let Daphne stay at their house (it's not like they don't have enough rooms to spare!) and Daphne claims her room is bigger than her apartment back home, which is true. She gives Jocelyn a hug who recoils and tells her, "I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses." I'm not British, so maybe that's why this joke went over my head. I guess they're saying British people tend not to be very affectionate. Henry calls Libby to tell her that Daphne is with him. It's a bit weird that he knows her number when they haven't spoken in seventeen years! Also, if Libby knew her daughter was headed to London to find her father, why didn't she give Henry a heads up? I assume she also had his number.

We see a scene of Henry talking to his campaign manager, Allistair (Jonathan Pryce) who also managed Henry's father's campaign and is the father of Glynnis. Allistair is worried about this American teenager who is now living with them, but Henry assures him that Daphne is a soft-spoken, well-behaved young woman and as he says these things, we see juxtapositions of Daphne being obnoxious and doing things like sliding around on the wood floor in her socks, boxer shorts, and a t-shirt like she's Tom Cruise or something or walking around in her tank top and pajama bottoms while dancing and listening to her awful mid-2000s music on her headphones. You're a guest in this house, girl, have a little decorum.

Pretty much the next part of the movie is Daphne attending all these important events with her father and his fiancee and stepdaughter to be. Glynnis and Clarissa are always trying to sabotage Daphne and make her look like a fool, but Daphne seems to one up them most of the time. When she's invited to the Royal Fashion Show, Clarissa tells her she should wear something "funky"; that if she were to show up in pearls and a sensible dress, she would be a "plonker". Daphne wears jeans and a tank top (the only thing she appears to own) and shows up late at the show and ends up being confused with one of the models (even though they're all modeling dresses...how did the dumb idiot backstage mistake her for a model?) and she ends up walking the runway, instead, of you know, getting down as quickly and discreetly as possible. People seem to love her, though, but she ends up falling where faux Prince Charles is sitting with his two faux sons, William and Harry.

Daphne realizes that Clarissa did not explain it all to her and she calls her "my evil stepsister" and I had to laugh when she asks Clarissa if she's seen "Cinderella" and says, "Let me clue you in: I win."

She goes to another event that's a coming out party for the twin daughters of another Lord. Again, Clarissa and Glynnis try to sabotage her by picking out the most hideous dress for her to wear, but she ends up altering it so she's the most beautiful girl there. It's not a very happening party and Clarissa is being rude about it, so Daphne convinces Ian, who is playing with his band (and Ian and his band will show up at another three more events in this movie; apparently he's the only gig in London) and he plays a James Brown song and the music is so loud that it shatters a huge chandelier that's the pride and joy of the Lord that lives there. Henry saves her by getting her out of there as quickly as possible, but the press (why are they even there at a private event?) get their picture anyway.

This is around the part of the movie where Daphne starts to bond with her dad. She learns that they both love '70s music and Coco Pops. Yes, you read that right. Apparently the movie didn't get the right to Coco Puffs. They also use All-Bran for another made up cereal because when Daphne sees Henry pouring himself a bowl of Coco Pops, she tells him she thought he would be an All-Bran guy. Henry also gets concerned when he sees Daphne going out with Ian who drives a motorbike and is in a band. This is especially hilarious because Ian is the least threatening boy ever. Like I said earlier, I could care less about the romance between Daphne and Ian. Yawn.

After a few more mishaps with Daphne (she can't help it! She's kooky and free-spirited!), Henry sits down with her to tell her that a certain code of behavior is expected with this family, so she trades her jeans and funky jewelry for tweed jackets, skirts and pearls and attends functions without acting like a fool anymore. This angers Ian and he tells her he wants the old Daphne back.

Towards the end of the movie, her father throws a big, fancy party for Daphne's honor which will be attended by the Queen (and Ian is playing it with his band, which I find hilarious; why would he agree to play that party if he's so angry with Daphne?) and Jocelyn has invited Libby. Clearly Henry still has feelings for her when he sees her and asks her to dance which infuriates Glynnis. Daphne overhears Glynnis and Allistair talking of how he got rid of Libby once and he can do it again. Ruh-roh! Glynnis locks her in a closet (what are wicked stepmothers for?) and chooses that moment to have Ian play the traditional father-daughter dance and has Clarissa dance with Henry. Libby finds and frees her daughter and when Glynnis puts her hands on Daphne to keep her from interrupting her dad and Clarissa, she tells her, "Keep your hands off my daughter or you'll get a Broadway musical, not just a scene." Heh. I thought that was a good line.

Daphne tells Clarissa and her dad that she doesn't want any of this and she and her mom head back to New York. We get a few scenes of her looking sad, but we all know how this story is going to end, especially after we see a scene of Henry announcing he's stepping down from his position and basically tells Glynnis it's over. He flies to New York where he and Daphne finally get their father-daughter dance to "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?" Well, it's half a dance because he also brought Ian to surprise her and they start dancing, so he starts dancing with Libby and obviously they get back together and officially get married and they all live in Henry's manor.

Oh, so throughout the movie (like in two scenes) Daphne has been applying to different colleges. The funniest line in the movie is at the end when she tells the audience, "I didn't get into NYU, but I got into Oxford!" Wait......what? HUH? WTF? EXCUSE ME??? She wasn't accepted into NYU, but yet she got into freaking Oxford which is probably even more prestigious than Harvard? HOW THE MOTHEREFFINGHELL DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? Me thinks Daddy Warbucks did some illegal underground paperwork to get her in and worked his privileges and connections. This girl doesn't even know that "loo" means toilet in England. We never got any sense that she was a serious, Ivy League scholar. In a movie full of questionable things, that was probably the most unbelievable.