Fun Christmas Movie This or That

I searched online and found some Christmas movies this or that questions that I thought would be fun to answer (in a festive red and green color scheme, no less!):

1. Love, Actually or The Holiday - I remember not being very fond of The Holiday and I really like Love, Actually, so this is an easy choice. (I don't think they're all going to be so cut and dry!)

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas or Miracle on 34th Street - I'm not sure if this is the animated television special from the' 60s or the 2000 movie with Jim Carrey. Either way, I'm going with Miracle (whether it's the one from 1947 or 1994, it doesn't matter). I haven't seen the animated Grinch in years and the 2000 movie is not that good, so therefore either iteration of Miracle wins this for me. 

3. The Polar Express or The Christmas Chronicles - This might be a controversial pick, but I'm going with the latter. I love the illustrated Polar Express children's book and the movie is good for what it is, but The Christmas Chronicles has a certain charm and was a nice addition to the Christmas movie canon. 

4. Nativity! or The Muppet Christmas Carol - Even if I was familiar with Nativity! (which I'm not), I would still choose Muppet Christmas Carol.

5. Scrooge or It's a Wonderful Life - So I had to look up to see if Scrooge was a movie (it is; it came out in 1970) and not some typo where they forgot to add the d at the end and meant the Bill Murray movie from 1988. I have never seen Scrooge (which, according to Wikipedia is "a musical adaptation of Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol") so therefore I'm going with It's a Wonderful Life which I haven't seen in years, and, if I'm being honest, I don't think I've actually seen the entirety of in one sitting. It wins more on a technicality. 

6. Bad Santa or Die Hard - I've never seen Bad Santa, but I still think I would go with Die Hard even if I had because it's such a classic Christmas action movie and who has never quoted Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber dryly saying, "Ho, ho, ho"?

7. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or A Bad Mom's Christmas - I'm starting to sound like a broken record! I've never seen A Bad Mom's Christmas and while I'm sure it's very funny, even if I was familiar with it, there's no way it can be better than Christmas Vacation because now only is that a classic Christmas comedy, but it's also the best (in my option and I think a lot of people's) movie with the Griswold family. 

8. Elf or A Christmas Story - I have to go with Elf and not because I love to quote it and I remind people every year how "the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear" and that the four food groups of elves are candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup, but I do prefer it to A Christmas Story. Elf is in my top three for favorite Christmas movies while A Christmas Story isn't even making my top ten. 

9. The Santa Clause or Jingle All the Way - I'm going with The Santa Clause because while I don't love this movie, I remember Jingle All the Way being pretty dumb and The Santa Clause does have an interesting premise (though the sequels are awful).

10. Happiest Season or Last Christmas - I'm not familiar with nor have seen Happiest Season, but I remember liking Last Christmas and thought it was charming. 

11. Home Alone or Home Alone 2 - While I do like Home Alone 2, I have to go with the original. 

Christmas movie adjacent questions!

1. Cameron Diaz's mansion or Kate Winslet's cottage - This is referring to The Holiday and of course I'm taking Kate Winslet's cozy English cottage which Cameron Diaz stayed at when she swapped houses with a stranger for the holidays. 

2. Kurt Russell's Santa or Richard Attenborough's Kris Kringle - The Kurt Russell Santa from The Christmas Chronicles (and its sequel) is more of a cool Santa while the Richard Attenborough Santa from the remake of Miracle on 34th Street is more of a traditional Santa. I think the Russell Santa would be more fun to hang out with. Thought I do feel this is weird pitting these two against each other since we know Russell is definitely Santa in The Christmas Chronicles, but we're really never really sure about Santa in Miracle. This should have been Attenborough's Santa or Edmund Gwenn's Santa or Russell's Santa against Tim Allen's Santa since we know Santa Claus is a real person who exists in The Santa Clause movies. 

3. Michael Caine's Scrooge or Alastair Sim's Scrooge - I don't even know what A Christmas Carol version  Sim is from, but I'm choosing Michael Caine because he's Scrooge in A Muppet's Christmas Carol! 

4. Kevin McCallister (Home Alone) or Susan Walker (Miracle on 34th Street) - Kevin is more of an iconic Christmas character to me. I do like Mara Wilson's Susan more than Natalie Wood's as I felt Wood seemed more like a mini adult with a stick up her butt. At least Wilson's Susan felt more like a kid. But Kevin is the ultimate Christmas movie kid. 

5. Would you rather be Kevin from Home Alone or Kate from The Christmas Chronicles - Of course I'd rather be Kate from The Christmas Chronicles! She gets to meet Santa and ride in his sleigh and travel to the North Pole...twice! Santa's Village in the two Christmas Chronicles films looks awesome! If I were Kevin, I would be terrified if I was left home alone and there were two burglars trying to get into my house! I probably wouldn't be able to come up with all those DIY traps like he did; I'm just not very handy around the house, especially at the age of 8.

Travel Companions

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Director: John Hughes

Cast: Steve Martin, John Candy, Laila Robbins, Dylan Baker, Michael McKean, Kevin Bacon

Released: November 25, 1987

This is a movie I've always wanted to review around Thanksgiving. It seems like there aren't that many Thanksgiving movies out there. I know there's Home for the Holidays with Jodie Foster and Claire Danes and I'm pretty sure I remember one that starred Patricia Clarkson and Katie Holmes. It's called Pieces of April. I had to look that up; I would have never remembered that. Oh, and I double checked Home for the Holidays and Holly Hunter starred in it; Jodie Foster directed it. Wikipedia has a whole list of Thanksgiving movies, but most of them are movies that contain a Thanksgiving scene. Like, I remember the Thanksgiving scene in Brokeback Mountain, but I certainly wouldn't call it a Thanksgiving movie. Now there is actually no Thanksgiving feast scene in Planes, Trains and Automobiles, but the plot revolves around Neal Page (Steve Martin) trying to get home in time for Thanksgiving, so I would say that this is a Thanksgiving movie. 

It's two days before Thanksgiving and Neal, who works in advertising, is in New York for a meeting. His client is very indecisive and can't decide which print ad he likes best for his cosmetic company and just keeps mulling over the ads. Neal keeps looking at his watch impatiently. He discreetly takes out a plane ticket and we see why he's so antsy. He's scheduled to take a six o'clock flight to Chicago. I swear the ticket says he's supposed to land at 6:45, but there's no way that can be right. It probably says 8:45 as he told his wife that he would be home by 9. (Though there's no way you would get home in fifteen minutes after landing!) Now they linger on the ticket for a good while so the viewer can read it, but yet they felt the need to highlight the part about what time the flight left. 

When he and his colleague finally get out of the meeting, his colleague tells him he's going to take the eight o'clock flight home because there's no way he'd make the six o'clock flight. Neal is going to look back at this moment and just wished he had taken this flight. All he has to do is call his wife and tell her he's going to be a little later than expected. Now that flight was probably cancelled because of the weather, but he wouldn't have been in the predicament he will soon find himself in! 

In the bustling streets of Manhattan, Neal is in a long line of people waiting for a cab, but he gets out of line and tries to find one on his own. We see a man on the opposite side of the street who is also trying to hail a taxi and they both spot one at the same time. It's a little down the street and they both start running, on opposite sides of the street. It looks like Neal is going to get there first, but just as he's about to reach it, he trips over this huge clunky trunk and the other man gets there first and salutes Neal as he gets in. The man is played by Kevin Bacon and I thought for sure he was going to appear again in some capacity, but he never does. I watched this on Paramount Plus and he's the third name listed. True, it's probably because after Steve Martin and John Candy, he's the next biggest name (with all due respect to Dylan Baker and Michael McKean), but it's just so weird to see him in this role without any lines. I wouldn't even call it a cameo. The only thing that would have made it work for me is if he was playing himself (because that would have been hilarious), but I didn't get that sense. 

Neal runs up to a businessman who's just hailed a cab and pleads if he could have it because he's "desperately" late for his flight and was "wondering if I could appeal to your good nature to ask you to let me have it." The man replies, "I don't have a good nature." Neal offers him ten dollars and even that made me scoff. Like, seriously? That seems low even for 1987. And we know he can afford more because he lives in a house that looks a lot like the Home Alone house (but with no circular driveway). They bargain and eventually the price is raised to $75 (due to the other guy conning him; Neal had settled on $50 and the guy told him anyone who would pay $50, would pay $75 which makes no sense to me except for the fact that he knew he could take advantage of a desperate man). While they're barraging, we see the same trunk Neal tripped over earlier being lifted up and put into the trunk of the cab with the help of the taxi driver. We don't see the person but we all know it's John Candy's character. (Who else would it be?) This is happening right next to Neal and I don't know how he doesn't notice this. Does he not see this in his peripheral vision? The taxi screeches off right after he has given the other man the money. He picks up his briefcase and luggage and starts running after the cab and I'm impressed he's actually able to catch up to it when it stops at a red light. He tells the passenger (who is indeed the character played by John Candy) that this is his cab and to get out. The passenger looks startled, but the light turns green and the taxi speeds off. 

Neal ends up taking the bus and at 5:58, he is rushing towards the gate. I know this was before 9/11, but even that is cutting it close! There's no way they would let a person on a plane with only two minutes! Right? Right?! Well, it turns out the flight is delayed so he's not getting on the six o'clock anyway. He looks really disappointed and I'm thinking, he should be glad because there's no way they would have let him on the original flight anyway! He calls his wife to tell her about the delay. He has three young kids; the middle one is played by a pre-Mrs. Doubtfire and Boy Meets World Matthew Lawrence. His oldest child (she's probably nine or ten) is super annoying. When Neal calls, she keeps demanding her mom to tell her who's on the phone and keeps repeating, "Who IS IT?" STFU, little girl. 

While waiting for the flight, Neal looks across and sees a guy reading a book called "The Canadian Mounted" and instantly recognizes him as the man who took his cab. He calls him out on it and the man apologizes and wants to make it up to him. He offers to get Neal a hot dog and beer, but Neal tells him no thanks. Then he start spouting a bunch of other food and drinks (mostly drinks as he mentions coffee, tea, milk, and a slurpee) he could offer, but Neal says no. 

When boarding the plane, Neal is told he will be seating in coach. He's pretty angry because he bought his first class ticket a month ago. The flight attendant is pretty short with him; she's not very professional at all which seems to be a running theme in this movie. I can't blame him; I'd be pretty ticked off too if I didn't get the seat I paid for. She does tell him he'll be refunded. I think he just needs to cut his losses and accept his fate. He'll get his money back and the flight will only be less two hours (well that's what the intended flight should be!). To make matters worse for Neal, he's sitting next to the man he just met. The man introduces himself as Del Griffith and tells him he sells shower curtain rings. That's an object you use, but something you never think about. Don't most shower rings come with the shower curtain? Unless he's selling them to shower curtain companies...I dunno, but it's just amusing that's what he sells. 

Instantly, you know that Del is one of those people who constantly runs his mouth. Neal tells him politely that he's not much of a conversationalist and would like to read his magazine. Del tells him he understand. But I don't think he does: "The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth....you know, nothing grinds my gear worse than some chowder-head who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut...You catch me running off at the mouth, just give me a poke in the chops." Neal is clearly becoming annoyed. Del takes off his shoes and makes a big scene of how relieved he feels. Then, even worse, he takes off his socks and is making loud groaning sounds about how it feels good to let his feet breathe and he starts waving is socks around near Neal's face. Del is what you would call self-unaware. 

Because of the bad weather, they end up landing in Wichita, Kansas. He calls his wife to let her know. She is so dumb: "I don't understand what Wichita has to do with a snowstorm in Chicago." Duh, they had to be rerouted because they couldn't land. Neal has to explain this to his idiotic wife.

There's no flights out of Wichita and Neal tries to call hotels looking for a room, but nothing is available. When Del tells him he booked a rom at the Braidwood Inn and tells him he'll make sure Neal gets a room because he (Del) knows the manager if Neal will pick up the cab fare. Neal is hesitant at first, but then agrees when he sees a guy sleeping by a trash receptacle. 

The motel is clearly in a seedy part of town. During the time they're checking in, they both give the manager, Gus, their Diners Club cards. There's a mix up and somehow they end up with each other's cards which nobody notice because Del is chatting with Gus. There are no names on the cards (which is odd) which is why they don't realize they have the wrong cards. This will come back later.

They are told there is only one room left, which means they'll be sharing a room with one (small!) bed. It's a little awkward when they enter the small room and see the single bed, but they don't mention anything about it.

While Neal is in the bathroom taking a shower, Del starts taking stuff out of his trunk including a framed photo of a woman who is his wife which he places on the bedside table next to him. Carrying around framed photos is just odd to me...even in 1987. I know people didn't have smart phones with pictures back then, but they could put a small photo in their wallet. 

In the shower, the water shuts off while Neal is shampooing his his hair and he gets shampoo in his eyes. (As you can probably imagine, this is a crappy motel.) It does turn back on and when he's done with his shower, he opens the sliding door to see a huge mess. There are wet towels strewn across the floor (along with a wet newspaper) and the countertop has toiletries scattered about everywhere. There's only one single small washcloth on the rack that Neal uses to dry off with. This scene confused me so much because it couldn't have happened before Neal took a shower or otherwise he would have for sure said something. Did Del come in while Neal was in the shower? I don't think Neal would have liked that very much! But if Del came in, why didn't they show that? There's no way Neal wouldn't have heard him. But if he's using all the towels, that would have implied that he showered first and Neal should have seen this mess BEFORE he took a shower. I am so confused! I guess there was a deleted scene of Del messing up the bathroom while Neal was in the shower. Still doesn't make any sense to me. Anyway, I would have been livid if somebody just made a big mess like that and used ALL the towels. Not cool, dude.

As they're getting settled in (the very small!) bed, we find out the Neal's side of the bed is damp with beer because the cans had exploded when Del opened them because they had been sitting on the bed which had been vibrating. (What is the deal with vibrating beds anyway? I feel like they're alway in '80s movie, more specifially John Hughes movies because there was one in National Lampoon's Family Vacation.) 

As Neal tries to sleep, Del is doing his (what I assume) sleeping ritual. This includes cracking his knuckles, itching some part of his body (I can only imagine what), then most annoyingly, starts doing some weird snorting noises with his throat. Neal can't take it anymore and jumps out of bed in a heap of rage and Del explains to him that if he doesn't clear his sinuses, he'll snore all night. He couldn't do that in that bathroom? Neal just explodes and tells Del he's been "under [his] skin since New York, starting with ripping off [his]  cab." He goes on a tirade about how Del talks too much and has nothing interesting to stay. He goes a little beneath the belt, but I can understand why he's annoyed with him.

Then sad, inspirational music comes on as Del agrees that he talks too much, but says he's not changing because, as he says, "I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me 'cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."

I think Neal should have focused more on Del's inconsiderate habits (like taking and using all the clean towels in a hotel room or smoking in the room) rather than make it super personal. Here he's just downright cruel to Del and the audience is meant to feel bad for him, but I would find him annoying as well. If somebody just left me with a washcloth to dry off with, that person is dead to me. Getting out of a shower and not having a towel to dry off would make me very cranky. 

Neal doesn't say anything, but he looks a little guilty. They both get in bed and during the night we see someone breaking in and stealing their money from their wallets. Apparently, there was a deleted scene where they order pizza and they gave the pizza guy a terrible tip and he broke in and robbed them. They need to keep this scene in because they will soon discover their money is gone.

In the morning, we see a bunch of crap on Del's side of the bed, including beer cans and an empty Cracker Jacks box. It looks like most of the caramel popcorn got on the bed and spread on his pillow and pajamas...gross! 

The camera pans to show that a sleeping Del is spooning against a sleeping Neal and kisses his ear as Neal smiles. Seriously, he can't tell that's not his wife? Something tells me Del's breath doesn't smell like his wife's breath! His arm is draped over Neal who is holding his hand. Neal wakes up, realizing what just happened and we get this hilarious exchange:

"Del, why did you kiss my ear?" 

"Why are you holding my hand?" 

"Where's your other hand?"

"Between two pillows." 

"Those aren't pillows!"

They both quickly jump out of bed and start talking about the Bears so they seem manly.

Neal goes into the bathroom only to see Dels dirty socks in the sinks. Even worse, he reaches for something to dry his face with after washing it, but we all know there are no towels left and he grabs Del's underwear. He doesn't realize until after he's used it what it is...ewww! I can only hope it was clean underwear, but who are we kidding. Blergh!    

They have breakfast at a diner where Neal tells Del he called the airport who said everything is booked solid, but he has "a good chance of getting on stand by." Del says there's no way either of them will be getting on a flight, but he has a friend who works for the railroad and suggests taking a train. They get the check which Neal says he'll pay for. He says he doesn't mind as long as Del can get him on that train. He opens his wallet to see his money is gone. He thinks Del took his money and when he glares at Del and Del says, "What?", I love how Neal replies, "You know goddamn well what." He had $700 cash in there! Who carries around that much cash? Del gives him his wallet and tells him the exact amount he has and to go ahead and count it, but when Neal opens it, it's also empty. 

Del looks at the positive side (he did have $200 that was stolen, but at least it wasn't $700!) and says since the thief didn't take their credit cards, they can just charge their way home. That honestly seemed like the no duh answer to me that I looked up to see what people used their credit cards for in the '80s and discovered that people really used them for big purchases or emergencies. I guess I would count this as an emergency! Neal asks what cards Del has and he has a Visa and a gasoline card. Del has a card for "Chalmer's Big and Tall Men's Shop" which is a chain in the Pacific Northwest. I love how he adds, "Unfortunately, it does us no good here." Like, even if that store was in the Midwest, it's not going to help with their travels!    

They are picked up by Gus's (the manger of the motel) son who has arrived in a huge pickup truck. Both Neal and Del are a little weary when they meet Owen (Dylan Baker) who keeps snorting and spitting. Right after introducing himself and before shaking Neal's hand, he spits in his mouth and Neal is just grimacing as he touches his hand. Ewwww. I think in this instance, you can refuse to shake a hand, right? The face Steve Martin makes everytime Owen snorts is so funny. 

Del and Neal grab Del's trunk, but Owen tells them his wife will get it and that she's stronger than she looks. She's sitting in the car with a toddler and a baby, but the two guys quickly say they'll get the trunk. They ride in the back with a dog. It's vey cold and the ride to the train station is "no more than forty-five miles". By the time they arrive, they are covered in frost. 

Their seat tickets for the train aren't together. Del is a little upset, but you can can tell Neal is trying to hide his glee that he won't have to sit next to his traveling mate and that he's finally gotten to get rid of him. He explains the train being full because of the holidays, which is true. Del asks if he wants to meet later and get a drink at the bar car, but Neal says he plans to sleep and tells him, "It's been interesting." As Neal walks away, Del calls after him saying he needs his address so he can send him money for the ticket, but Neal says it's a gift. I assume he's feeling quite generous since he will never have to see this man again (so he thinks!). 

Of course, we know it can't be that easy and the train breaks down somewhere near Jefferson City. Everyone is told if they walk a mile to the highway, the trucks will take them to the bus station. Neal sees Del struggling with his trunk and helps him carry it.

Now they (and everybody else) are on a bus traveling from Missouri's capital to St. Louis. This has to be their worst form of transportation. It's so terrible it's not even mentioned in the title! (Though I'm assuming a bus counts as an automobile.) The bus is full and cramped, there's a kid running up and down the aisle, a couple sitting across from them is getting hot and heavy, then they start smoking. I know it was used as a joke, but I would be LIVID if someone on a bus started smoking! This is something I noticed about this movie: that people are always smoking. Del, especially. We already saw him smoking in the motel room and in diners. 

At the bus stop in St. Louis, Del starts conning people by selling them shower rings and telling them they're earrings or rings (that's a big ass ring!) autographed by people like Diane Sawyer or Darryl Strawberry or Walter Cronkite. At one point he says the earring were "handcrafted by the grand wizard of China in the fourth century." He admits these aren't the originals, "but they are very good replicas." 

The two travel companions are eating at a diner when Neal starts to say, "You know, I've been thinking that when we put our heads together, you know, we really..." As he's saying this, Del starts to smile, thinking Neal is going to say how good they are together, but Neal finishes the sentence with, "we've really gotten nowhere and I think I'm holding you up." Del's smile falls but reluctantly agrees to part ways. 

Neal is dropped off by the bus in a parking lot of rental cars. He goes to the marked spot where his car is supposed to be but it is empty. Rightly, he is upset. He is very upset. He calls after the bus that dropped him off, but it's too far away and he's not going to make it. He has to make the long trek back to the building where the rental car agency is. This includes walking along a busy highway and across a busy airport and sliding down a steep embankment where he nearly gets hit by a bus. This probably has to be the worst thing that happens to him during the entire jaunt. 

When an irate Neal gets to the counter, the car rental agent (Edie McClurg) is talking on the phone, but it's obviously a personal call because she's talking about Thanksgiving plans with a family member. I feel like they have this in here for the audience to be annoyed at her so that maybe Neal's rant at her will be justified. I think it would have been just as effective if she was professional, but had the super chirpy annoying personlity which is part of the reason Neal lashes out at her. This woman has a LONG LINE of customers. Why is she taking a personal call?  

This is probably the most famous scene of the movie and the scene you remember the most if you've only seen it a couple times. When she asks Neal if she can help him, he tells her, "You can give me a f'ing automobile." After she tells him, "I really don't care for the way you're talking to me", he starts in on his tirade: "And I really don't care how your f'ing company left me in the middle of f'ing nowhere with f'ing keys to a f'ing car that isn't f'ing there. And I really didn't care to walk down a f'ing highway and across a f'ing runway to get back here to have you smile in my f'ing face. I want a f'ing car right f'ing now." All these f***s pay off because after the agent asks to see his rental agreement and he says he threw them away, she tells him, "You're f***ed." But seriously, I want to know what happened to his rental car. Why wasn't it there? 

He tries to get a taxi to take him all the way to Chicago (how much would THAT cost, I wonder?), but ends up meeting up with Del where he will share a ride with him. Del tells him, "You know, I had a feeling that when we parted ways, somehow, someday our paths would cross again." (Yeah, they would cross again literally the same day!)

When Neal takes his turn at the wheel, it's dark outside. Del is trying to get adjusted to his seat, but can't seem to get comfortable and keeps messing around with it. When they switch, there's a funny payoff when the passenger seat launches Neal forward so his nose is pressed up agains the windshield. While Neal is sleeping, Del is driving and lip syncing along to "Mess Around" by Ray Charles. He's mimicking all the instruments in the song like the piano and saxophone. At one point when he's playing the "piano", both his hands are off the steering wheel and he's closing his eyes to emulate Ray Charles. Probably not the best thing to do when you're driving! This causes the car to start to veer off the road a couple times. I don't know how this or the loud music doesn't wake up Neal, but he only stirs a couple of times. Once again Del is smoking in the car, which seems very inconsiderate, but I know they are only doing this for plot purposes because he throws the cigarette out the window, but it flies back into the back window and lands on the back seat. 

Del is wearing his heavy blue parka and decides to take it off. I understand it's late November, but he's also wearing a sweater under his coat, so I don't know how he wasn't roasting well before now! If I'm driving a long ways in cold weather, I always take my coat off. I just let my car's heater do its thing. I would rather be cold at first and eventually warm up rather than be uncomfortable and roasting in my winter coat. He starts to take off one sleeve of the coat, but it gets caught in the seatbelt mechanism so now his arm is caught in the sleeve. While he's trying to get free, the car starts careening all over the highway. He's lucky this isn't a busy highway. Somehow Neal doesn't wake during this...he must be a heavy sleeper. Del tries to take his coat off at the other arm but it also gets tangled in some other mechanism and now both his arms are caught up in his coat and he has no hands to drive with so he uses his knees. Guess what? Driving with your knees? Not very effective! At this point I'm wondering he's not waking up Neal to help him out. He's not even calling his name. It would be one thing if he shouted his name and Neal was so out of it he didn't hear him, but it's not like he's even trying to ask for help. 

He ends up driving across the road and onto the opposite one. The car spins around and this wakes up Neal who asks, "What's happening?" and Del tells him they almost hit a deer. 

Already, them driving in the car is the most memorable of the transportations they take and it's about to get even crazier. I mentioned earlier there are few cars on the road and this is probably a good thing as they are now going the wrong way. Neither of them seem to realize this, not even when a couple in a car going parallel with them across the median screams at them, "You're going the wrong way!" Del just honks back, thinking the guy wants to race, but he's making motions at Del to turn around. You would think Del or Neal would wonder why the car on the opposite side of the road was going in the same direction as them. When Neal tells Del the guy is telling them they're going the wrong way, Del asks, "How would he know where we're going?" He assumes the guy is drunk (which is probably what the guy is thinking about them!) and mimes drinking from a bottle. I just don't understand how neither of them could figure this out! The guy tries to clear is up by shouting, "You're going in the wrong direction!" Finally, Neal seems to figure it out, but now two semis have appeared, side by side. There's no time to do anything and they end up driving between the trucks with the outer parts of the car being scraped off. I'm sorry, but there's no way that a car could fit (even snugly) between two semi trucks. That car would have been totaled. 

After the trucks have passed by them, Del slams on the brake and their luggage goes flying over the car onto the street. The trunk had been propped open to fit Del's large piece of luggage which is how everything went flying out. I'm honestly surprised the trunk (Del's luggage, not the back of the car) didn't pop open when it was catupulted onto the asphalt. 

After turning the car around so they're facing the correct way, they both get out and Del inspects the damage and claims "it doesn't look too bad" which I agree with since in real life it would have been much, much worse. They get their luggage off the road and pull it to the side. They sit down on Del's trunk with the car behind them. It isn't long before the unmistakable sound of a fire starting is heard and they both look behind them to see the car is on fire and they just start laughing because that's all they can do. 

Remember the scene at the motel when their Diners Club cards were switched by accident? It turns out Del rented the car with Neal's card, but he put it back in Neal's wallet. There was a scene earlier where Neal had put his wallet in the pocket of the side door and asked Del to remind him not to forget about it. Right away I knew he was gong to forget it or something was going to happen. And it did: it caught on fire. 

They drive to a motel in the burned car. There's no way that thing would be cool enough to touch, let alone sit in even when all the flames have gone out! A joke will be made about the car being so hot to sit in that Del is sure there are grill marks on his behind. There's a funny moment when Neal is trying to get a room at the motel and gives the manager his credit cards which have all been burnt to a crisp. He ends up getting a room by giving the guy $17 in cash plus his watch. Del has nothing to offer but two dollars and a Cassio watch (it's funny when he tries to model it over his wrist) and ends up outside in the car bundled in his parka.  Neal feels bad when he sees him sitting in the cold so he invites him in. Luckily, this room has two separate beds. 

Oh, yeah, before Neal invites Del into his room, he tries to call his wife with the room's rotary phone, but the phone is locked so you can't dial the numbers all the way. WTF? Why would they have that locked? I guess it's to serve the tension of the movie for the wife to wonder why her husband has barely been able to keep in touch with her. 

Also, before Del is invited inside, he starts speaking aloud to his wife as he's sitting in his car: "Well, Marie, once again, my dear you were right as rain. I am, without a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike." Right away I knew his wife was dead. It also explained the framed photo of his wife being carried with him everywhere. That had a very posthumous feel. 

In the hotel room, Neal is laying in his bed and Del is sitting in a chair. Both are talking and joking and eating snacks with little bottles of liquor. Neal likes his combination of Doritos and tequila. Before he goes to bed, he tells Del, "as much trouble as I've had on this little journey, I'm sure one day I'm gonna look back and laugh." At least he's able to laugh about it now. 

Their car had been backed into a parking space in front of the room they were staying in. When they leave, Del accidentally reverses the car and it backs into the front of their room, just demolishing the wall. That was a laugh out loud moment for me. They hightail it out of there before anyone sees (more likely catches) them. I love that Del uses his arm when he's signaling.  

On their (nearly) last leg of the trip, they are stopped by a police officer (played by Michael McKean) for going too fast, but let's be honest, they'd be stopped just for driving that death trap. The officer asks Del if he knows how fast he was going and Del replies, "Our speedometer's melted, and as a result, it's very hard to say with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going." The officer asks, "Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?" I love Del's genuine reply: "Yes, I do. Yes, I really do." 

The officer stars to tick off all the problems: No outside mirror, no functioning gauges (including the speedometer!), but Del informs him the radio still works, somehow. The officer tells them the vehicle is not safe to drive and it will be impounded. It's honestly a miracle it wasn't impounded earlier.

Del has found a semi truck driver to take them the rest of the way to Chicago (maybe not all the way home but at least to the L train station), however they need to sit in the trailer which is refrigerated since it's carrying boxes of cheese. They aren't allowed to sit in the cab with the driver because he doesn't like people sitting next to him. Del tells Neal he's going to be in Chicago "in less than three hours." 

Before they part at the train station, Neal tells Del he appreciates him helping him get home. They have a nice, sincere exchange and even hug before Neal gets on the train. He's now only a few miles away from his house and seeing his wife and kids and enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner with his family. He starts thinking about what's waiting for him at home until he starts thinking about all the crazy things that happened to him in the last forty-eight hours and starts smiling and shaking his head, as if he's thinking, What a crazy story I'll have to tell my children and my eventual grandchildren! You know he's pulling this story out at family gatherings for decades to come! 

Then the music starts to turn somber as he thinks about the times Del mentioned his wife and when he told Neal he hadn't been home in years and comes to the realization that maybe Del doesn't have anywhere or  anyone to go home to for Thanksgiving. He returns back the station where Del is sitting on a bench. He tells Neal he doesn't have a home and that Marie's "been dead for eight years." 

The next scene is of them walking up the street to Neal's house with each of them carrying a handle of Del's trunk while an instrumental version of Everytime You Go Away plays. Neal is reunited with his family and Del meets Neal's wife and kids and parents and parents-in-law and everyone is happy. 

I am a little confused as how they got to Neal's house from the train station because if they had taken a cab, it would have stopped right in front of the house and let them out, but we don't see that, plus they wouldn't have any money to take one. Did they walk from the train station to Neal's house in the suburbs? There's no way they would have walked all that way lugging that heavy trunk, plus Neal's own luggage. I feel like we missed an important part of the puzzle on the very last leg of the trip. 

The movie ends on a freeze frame of Del's face looking happy and thankful to be celebrating Thanksgiving with a family who has invited him in. Makes you wonder how long Neal let him stay at his house.

Santa Slay

Violent Night

Director: Tommy Wirkola 

Cast: David Harbour, John Leguizamo, Alex Hassell, Beverly D'Angelo

Released: December 2, 2022

I feel like this movie was made because of the "Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?" debate. Because this movie is basically Die Hard except Santa Claus (David Harbour; guess he had a little break from Stranger Things) is now taking the role of John McClane. And, for the record, I definitely think Die Hard is a Christmas movie (it takes place at a Christmas party, there's Christmas songs, there's a Christmas tree, and who can forget the dead terrorist wearing a Santa hat and the message John McClane left for the deceased's friends: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho."). However, despite all that, I think it is easy to forget it's a Christmas movie once it gets going because it's not saturated in Christmas-y goodness. Also, it takes place in a warm weather location and I need my Christmas movies to have snow, damnit! This movie, on the other hand, you don't forget it's Christmas. There's snow, there's Christmas decorations (complete with a large Christmas tree), there's plenty of Christmas music, there's nods to other Christmas movies, and Santa Claus (the REAL Santa Claus, this isn't some mall Santa!) plays a big part. 

It's Christmas Eve and we first meet Santa at a pub in London where he's "taking a break between shifts". There's another man dressed as Santa who tells the real Santa he's been doing this gig for four years now and the real Santa tells him he's lost count of how long he's been doing it and forgot why he started in the first place. The faux Santa tells him it's for the money (do mall Santas really make that much? I guess it might be some nice extra money during the holidays) and Santa tells him that "this whole planet runs on greed." This is a very cynical Santa. He has noticed that kids just want the next present as soon as they open one, that "they just want, crave, consume." He thinks this might be his last Christmas. 

Santa had mentioned he needed to get back to his sleigh to deliver the rest of the presents and the barmaid and mall Santa had just chuckled at this, but when he gets up to leave, he hands the barmaid a gift for her grandson which has his name on it, then leaves out the door that leads to the roof. The woman wants to know how he even knows her grandson's name or how he even knows she has a grandson, then chases him out the door once she realizes he's on the roof. She doesn't see him, but then sees a sleigh and reindeer flying and he flies over her and pukes on her head. We're really setting the tone for this movie. Now, I can handle a bad guy getting his eye gorged out with a sharp star ornament (spoiler alert!), but someone getting vomit on their head? Ugh, no thanks. I could have done without that! 

We're now in Greenwich, Connecticut, where we will stay for the rest of the film. We meet Trudy, a girl of about eight or so (I thought she was six, but we find out later she's older than six, but I am horrible at trying to figure out how old kids are!) and she is the epitome of pureness and goodness. Her parents, Jason (Alex Hassell) and Linda (Alexis Louder) are separated (we find out why later in the film), but they are coming together for their daughter's sake to spend Christmas at Jason's mother's mansion. 

When Trudy and her mom pick up her dad, she tells him, "Merry Christmas, Daddy, ya filthy animal" and we find out that she watched Home Alone the night before. I thought this was just a fun little shoutout to a classic Christmas movie, but this will actually come back in a big way later. 

Gertrude Lightstone, the matriarch of the family is played by Beverly D'Angelo and I have to admit I didn't recognize her at first, especially because her voice is so raspy. It is a fun little wink that they got the mother/wife from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. The Lightstones are very wealthy from their company (something involving oil, maybe? I don't really know exactly how they made their fortune) and Gertrude (no mention of her husband, so he's out of the picture whether he's dead or they're divorced) lives in a compound so huge that it's gated and a guy works at the little post at the front of the gate and lets people in and out of the grounds. The guy's name? Al. That cannot be a coincidence. This guy was clearly named after one Sergeant Al Powell (Reginald VelJohson's character from Die Hard). Honestly, they might as well just named him Carl Winslow and we would have gotten the wink. But unlike Die Hard Al, who survives the movie (pretty sure he survives the entire franchise), this Al will not make it and as soon as I saw him let Trudy and her parents through the gates, I go, Oh, this guy isn't making it out of this movie alive. (Spoiler alert: I was right.) 

You know, for a mansion with huge grounds, they were pretty stingy with the outdoor decorations. I saw a lit-up deer, a wreath, and a few lights that were wrapped around tree trunks. The inside was a little more festive at least, but, man, that outside was lacking. I guess since nobody can see their house from the outside since it's hidden from view and it's on a private road, they don't think it's worth to decorate the exterior. 

We meet the rest of the Lightstones who aren't the most likable of people. Gertrude is very foul-mouthed and doesn't have any qualms about swearing in front of her young granddaughter (who Trudy is named after, although Gertrude thinks her nickname makes her sound like "a whore"). Her grown children seem to be a little scared of her and accuse the other of always sucking up to her. Jason has a sister named Alva (Edi Patterson) who tells him she thinks this is the year their mom is gonna choose one of them to "start running the show." 

Alva has a 14/15 year old son named Bert. His real name is Bertrude (she was attempting to name him after her mother) and he's just your typical rich douchey teen who isn't very bright. We don't know anything about Bert's father, but Alva is dating an actor named Morgan Steel (Cam Gigandet) who is famous in "parts of Asia", but other than that, nobody would ever recognize him or care about him. He and Alva are trying to get up the nerve to ask Gertrude to fund a movie for him. Morgan is also a bit of an idiot. When we first meet him, he's telling Alva that if he were on one of the planes that was hijacked on 9/11, he would have saved everyone. At that moment, I figured he, too, wasn't going to survive this movie. I knew Trudy and her parents would make it, but, honestly, wasn't sure about Gertrude, Alva, or Bert. 

Before getting ready for bed, Trudy shows her parents the homemade cookies she's made for Santa. Actually, I think someone else must have made them and she just decorated them with frosting. She's worried that Santa won't know which of the many chimneys to go down and her mother tells her that Santa "just knows" because of "Christmas magic". Trudy is worried that Santa doesn't know what she wants for Christmas because her dad never took her to see him at the mall. Jason looks extremely guilty and tells her to put on her pajamas and he'll be right back. We see him open a closet full of board games and other random junk until he finds a Walkie Talkie with an ear piece which he wraps and gives to his daughter, telling her she can open one present tonight (am I the only one whose family opens presents on Christmas Eve?). He tells her the Walkie Talkie is a "direct hotline to Santa" and she can communicate with him that way, but warns her that Santa probably won't answer because he's very busy tonight delivering presents. Heh, nice save to explain why she won't be getting any reply!

Trudy is enthralled by the gift and immediately starts talking to "Santa". Her parents leave and they can hear her talking behind the closed door. She tells "Santa" she was extra good this year and wrote him a list with all the stuff she wanted, but the she realized she didn't really need any of that stuff and instead the only present she really wants for Christmas is for "Mommy and Daddy to make up so we can be a family again." Boy, that's enough to make any parent feel guilty!

At the house, there's a bunch of caterers and other people hired for the holiday party. Right away, I could spot the bad guys who are sprinkled among the workers. They were the ones that gave sinister looks or weren't smiling. I understand they need to find a way to get the bad guys in the house, but it's literally just Gertrude and six other people. There are more workers than family members; it seems a little overkill to have all those extra people there, but again, I understand it's part of the plot. 

Before Santa will inevitably arrive at this house, we get a funny montage of him delivering presents and you can tell he's just so over it. At one house, you see a bunch of Amazon packages under the tree and that made me chuckle. At another house he finds a list where a kid has told him he just wants "cash" and "video games". Aren't kids supposed to tell Santa what they want BEFORE Christmas so he already has it with him? Duh. 

When Santa arrives at the Lighstone mansion, he really enjoys the cookies and especially likes the fact that they're homemade. I loved the "mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!" sound he makes. However, he's not fond of the skim milk and pours it out in an ice bucket and goes for some brandy that he sees sitting on a shelf and comments, "That's the stuff." He thinks the brandy "pairs well" with the cookie. He also finds a massage chair he sits in and starts to use and I'm thinking, Santa sure is spending a lot of time here! Isn't he on a tight schedule? He's only in Connecticut, he still needs to do the rest of North America; who knows if he's even been to Central and South America yet! Tick tock, Santa! 

Our bad guys soon take over after their leader, who calls himself Scrooge (John Leguizamo), shows up and kills Al (poor Al never had a chance), then enters the house where all the security and staff are killed too. Those poor people never had a chance, either. Scrooge has a team of people and they're all given Christmas code names: Gingerbread, Candy Cane, Peppermint, Jingle, Sugarplum, Krampus, Frosty, Tinsel." I'll tell you right now: Gingerbread, Candy Cane, and Krampus are really the only ones that have the most screen time. Gingerbread cuts the phone lines so no one can call for help. It is funny that Scrooge gave his team these code names since he hates Christmas (hence why his name is Scrooge). 

Before they start killing the staff and security, Jason and Linda have a conversation. We find out they're estranged because Gertrude keeps coming between them and causing rifts. He tells Linda that they can just walk away from his family and the company and never have to see them or deal with them again. Before he can continue, gunfire is heard downstairs. Santa, still in the massage chair, also hears this too. 

Scrooge instructs two of his cronies to bring all the Lightstones to the living room and to kill anyone else they find. Santa is hiding in a room with a fireplace and he tries to use his magic (by touching his nose) to go up the chimney, but it won't work. Tinsel finds him and they get into a fight. Tinsel starts firing his gun, but when Santa tries to get the gun away from him, he ends up shooting at the roof and the reindeer are scared off and fly away. Let's just say Tinsel has a gruesome death and ends up impaled on a large icicle decoration right below the window. Santa also ends up outside and is about to get the hell out of there, but when he looks up he can see a scared looking Trudy in the living room with the rest of her family, so he decides he's going to stay and get help.

In the living room, we learn that Scrooge has "spent months planning a complex break-in to the most secure private residence in the country." We also learn that he's there to take $300 million in cash that he knows is in the vault. 

We get more stupidity from Morgan when he tells Alva that this reminds him of a scene from one of his movies called Dark Ransom and if these guys didn't have guns, he could take out three or four of them. 

Gertrude tells Scrooge that if he had done his research, he would know that her brother was kidnapped in the '70s. Her her father never called the police, but instead sent in their own private extraction team and her brother was home a week later and the kidnappers were never found. He tells her he knows all about that and her extraction team and how long it's going to take them to get there. (Surely the extraction team they have now isn't the same one they had in the '70s, because those guys would be old.) 

The bad guys are communicating by radio and Candy Cane calls Scrooge when she finds the impaled Tinsel. 

Meanwhile, in another room, Santa is trying to call for help, but the phones are dead. He hears Frosty approaching him and reaches in his bag of toys (bag of tricks?) to find a weapon, but all he seems to pull out are video games. His sack looks empty, but the way it works, you reach in and a gift comes out. Even though all of these gifts are wrapped (in the same red and white striped wrapping; where's the fun in that?), Santa always seems to know what it is. There is one moment he pulls out a small toy guitar that's easy to tell what it is because of the shape. We get a funny line where he mutters, "Doesn't anyone ever ask for a bat or a sword or Molotov cocktails?" The best he can come up with is a doll which he uses to bash Frosty on the head with after sneaking up on him. Santa reaches in to see what else he can find and there's a nice little wink when he pulls out Die Hard on Blu-ray. Of course, since the gifts are wrapped, Santa has to say what it is out loud for our benefit. 

Even though Frosty gets knocked in the head a few times with a stocking full of pool/billiard balls (they're in a room with a pool table), he is still conscious. (Frosty the Iron Man?) Somehow he gets the upper hand on Santa, having him in a tight grasp. In their struggle, the Christmas tree (I think they must have a Christmas tree in every room or maybe it just seems that way) has fallen over. Santa starts reaching for ornaments to smash against Frosty's head, but nothing works. Finally he reaches for the pointy Christmas tree star topper and jams it in his eye. Yes, this is the scene I'd rather watch than someone getting puke on their head. Okay, maybe I'm being a little hyperbolic, but I really can't stand vomit. Frosty is still alive (owww!), but Santa turns his lights out ironically when he plugs in the string of lights it was attached to and it electrocutes him. 

Santa collects Frosty's radio and hears Scrooge, Gingerbread, and Candy Cane talking about how the Kill Squad (what Gertrude calls her extraction team) won't be there for another two hours. Santa tries to see if he can call for help by trying a different channel, but gets Trudy, who asks, "Can you hear me, Santa?" Before this whole scene, we had seen Trudy on the couch talking into the ear pierce. Now while nobody is sitting right next to her, there are still people in the room (obviously, since they're being held hostage) and surely they can hear her end of the conversation. I guess they just think she's playing pretend and not actually talking to a live person, let alone the real Santa! I guess this is why they gave her an ear pierce to talk into! 

She tells Santa her name and he takes out his magical scroll which shows any name he needs to look up and whether they're on the "Nice" or "Naughty" list and traits on why they're either one. (All the bad guys are on the naughty list; what a shock. Although, to be honest, I'm surprised there are adults on the list; I would think  it would only be reserved for children.) I paused the movie to see all the reasons why Trudy is on the nice list: 

-sweet to everyone

-listens to parents

-kind to animals

-kept room clean

And the one that made me laugh:

-invited weird kid to party 

From their conversation, Santa realizes there are still six bad guys left. He tells her he's going to help her and her family and asks if she has any suggestion and she must tell him about the phone at the front gates, but when he gets there he finds Al dead and the phone line dead. 

In the surveillance room with all the video footage of the house, Scrooge finds out there's "a Santa Claus running around" and Candy Cane tells him there's no Santa listed on the employee manifest. When he tries to check in with Frosty on the radio, Santa answers and basically taunts Scrooge by saying, "Frosty? Is that the naughty guy I met in the basement? Your friend is dead." When Scrooge gets confirmation that he is talking to their "Santy Claus" and asks what he wants, Santa tells him he wants him to put down their weapons and leave and let this family go. He also adds, "I want to find my reindeer and I want to continue delivering my presents." The three bad guys are just looking at each other with amused looks and Scrooge asks him, "Are you f**ing kidding me?" He demands to know who he really is and thinks he might be "some security guard who's watched too many action flicks." Santa tells Scrooge they need to talk in person and adds in a sinister voice, "Santa Claus is coming to town!" I mean, technically, Santa is not only in the same town, but also in the same property, but I get what they were trying to do and it's still pretty funny. 

Santa puts the radio away and we see that he's bleeding quite heavily (he was gashed on his side with a sharp object when fighting with Frosty) so he goes into a room where he bandages his wound with wrapping paper. 

Meanwhile, Scrooge and the others go to the living room and he demands Gertrude to tell him who Santa Claus is, but she tells him she didn't hire one; that she never has a Santa because "it's tacky." Scrooge grabs a nutcracker from the mantel and tells them if someone doesn't tell him who this Santa is, he's going to start torturing someone with it. Unfortunately, for Jason, he's the one chosen. Trudy, who was whimpering in her mother's arms, gets up and yells, "Sop hurting my daddy or Santa will get mad!" This gets Scrooge's attention and he asks her what she knows about Santa. Before she can reply, Jason says she doesn't know anything about the Santa that's running around, and Linda adds that she's playing make believe and pretending to talk to Santa. Trudy insists she really is talking to Santa, adding that he's her friend and that he's going to save them and beat up Scrooge (glaring at him while she tells him this). Scrooge tells her, "I bet he'd come out of hiding if you asked him to." Jason tells her to tell the truth, that she really isn't talking to Santa, but Trudy won't deny it. Finally, he snaps, "Damn it, Trudy, Santa isn't real!" There are hilarious reactions from everyone, including the bad guys (especially the bad guys!) when they realize he's dashed her childhood dreams and basically ruined Christmas for her. He realizes he's upset Trudy and apologizes to her and admits that he and her mom give her the presents and just tell her they're from Santa. He adds that Santa isn't saving them because he doesn't exist. Trudy is upset and runs out of the room. Her mom starts to run after her, but Gingerbread stops her from leaving and Candy Cane is sent to look for her. 

This brings me to a point I've brought up in other movies that deal with Santa Claus existing in that film's universe: if Santa is real, wouldn't everyone know about it? Who do they think is leaving all the gifts under the tree? The other parent or the grandparents? I understand why they have people (usually adults) not believing in him because it is a fun reveal when they do realize he's real, but surely if he was real, the secret would be out. 

Trudy hides in the attic and calls Santa on the radio to tell him where she is. Seeing them chat on the Walkie-Talkies felt very Die Hard to me. However, Trudy has another movie on her mind. She tells Santa that she "can set up booby traps, like in Home Alone." Santa replies that he doesn't know what that means, but she should do it quietly. I guess Santa doesn't have time to watch Christmas movies since he's preoccupied with other stuff around that time of year! 

She asks him if he really is Santa Claus and that her dad told her that Santa isn't real and that her parents give her gifts and say they're from Santa. Santa tells her that a lot of parents say that to their kids, but that he "still brings presents to kids that need me; kids who really believe." He tells her that he remembers she wrote to him when she was six (I seriously thought she was six right now, so I'm guessing she's eight) and in her letter she told him she felt lonely so he brought her Mr. Bunny, her stuffed rabbit that's already been introduced to the audience. He also remembers when she wrote and told him she had a dream where she flew and her Christmas wish was to fly. He said that even though he had magic, he didn't have the magical ability to make a little girl fly (he can make reindeer fly, though! Just saying, Santa!) and gave her a kite for that Christmas. This confirms for Trudy that he is the real Santa. 

Santa tells her not to be too hard on her parents because "grown-ups have a hard time believing in things." Trudy asks if he can use his Christmas magic to have her parents reconcile, but he tells her it doesn't work like that. He says that he and Mrs. Claus are going on year 1100 and that "grown up relationships are complicated." 

We get some backstory on Santa when we (and Trudy) find out that he had a life before this "a long, long, long time ago." He used to be called "Nicomund the Red" (because he had red hair, I presume) and he was a viking/warrior and he used to be "a warrior, a raider, a thief" and had a large hammer he called Skullcrusher and you can guess why it was named that! Trudy asks him why he used to do those things and he tells her because he was "mean" and "greedy" and that if there was a "naughty list" back then, he'd be at the top of it. So how the hell did this guy become Santa Claus? We really need an origin story for this Santa! 

It makes sense that this Santa has a background of being a brutal warrior and is no stranger to killing people. I mean, can you imagine if 1994 Richard Attenborough's Santa from Miracle on 34th Street found himself in this predicament? He wouldn't be making it out alive. No pop culture Santa would. You just can't throw a good and pure-hearted Santa into this situation and just have him act like he's John McClane! 

Trudy tells him maybe he can use all the bad things he's done in the past to do "good things instead." She says that he's "good and kind" and he can help her family and adds, "You mean more than just the presents you bring. That's why I believe in you, Santa." Damn it, Trudy, stop making me cry! (Disclaimer: I actually didn't cry during this movie, but if I had, this would have been the scene to bring me closest to tears.) He tells her to stay hidden until he can get to her. 

Back in the living room, Krampus wants them to open their presents because he wants to see what "rich a-holes get each other" and that they might as well see what they got for Christmas before they die. Morgan uses this opportunity to give his present to Gertrude which is a pitch for the movie he wants her to fund and he adds that this is "a gift of a golden opportunity". Alva gives her mother "a sentimental photo of the day [she] was born." Ha, I honestly don't know which gift is worse. They're both very self-involved. Gertrude wants to see Jason's presents, but he tells her he left it in the car. Bert tells him he remembers seeing him put a gift under the tree, but Jason insists it's in the car. Now, I admit, at first I thought he was trying to use that as an excuse to go to his car and drive away and get help, but obviously they weren't going to let him leave just to get a gift out of his car. Or they would have someone (with a gun) escort him. Krampus grabs the gift and it's whiskey, but when Gertrude reads the note, she doesn't look too pleased. Alva wants to know what the card says, but she tells her it's between her and Jason. 

We get another update that the extraction team will be arriving in thirty minutes and we see the team getting prepared to leave with their leader, Commander Thorp, telling them to take care of "any idiot who gets in their way."  

Okay, let's yada yada through some action scenes that brings Santa to being tied up to a chair with Christmas lights and Scrooge, Gingerbread, and Candy Cane questioning him. They're in a room that's right below the attic and Trudy is able to hear (and see a little bit) through a grate on the floor. Candy Cane notices that he's not armed and the only thing he's carrying is his bag. Gingerbread reaches into the bag and pulls out a wrapped present and after opening it, Scrooge asks, "What kind of moron carries a chess set with him?" Gingerbread keeps pulling out more gifts and Scrooge asks, "What's the gimmick with the bag?" and Santa replies that it's "Christmas magic" and even he doesn't know exactly how it works. 

When Scrooge asks who he is, he lists a bunch of names including "Weihnachtsmann", "Babbo Natale", "Pere Noel", "Kris Kringle", "Jolly old Saint Nick", and that "people call [him] a lot of things." Gingerbread wants to know where his reindeer are and he says they ran off because they were scared by the gunfire. Candy Cane is gullible enough that she starts to believe that he actually may be the real Santa, but Scrooge isn't buying any of it. He throws the bag into the fire which enrages Santa. 

We get to hear the backstory of why Scrooge hates Christmas. Little Jimmy Martinez (his real name) didn't use to always hate it, but when was 11/12/13 (I can't remember how old he said he was), his dad got laid off and they didn't have a Christmas that year because they weren't able to afford anything, but their neighbors had gone all out for Christmas and he felt like they were rubbing salt in the wound, I guess, so he snuck into their house on Christmas Eve to steal their presents (his code name should have been Grinch!), but the grandfather was up to use the bathroom and he was scared by seeing an intruder and fell down the stairs and broke his neck, then later died in the hospital. I was a little confused because Scrooge says that everyone accused him of doing it, then says he may have pushed the old man. Well, whether he pushed him or not, he was the one to cause him to hurt himself since he was the one who scared the old man! I get that it's worse if he purposely pushed him. Also, if Gramps fell down the stairs, why did Jimmy even go upstairs in the first place? Or did Gramps just hear/see someone downstairs and got startled and fell? I'm a little confused when I probably shouldn't even give this any thought. Also, Phoebe Cates called and she would like to say her character in Gremlins had a much worse Christmas memory (third paragraph from the bottom, but seriously, does anyone not know what I'm talking about?) 

Santa calls them by their real names and while Gingerbread and Candy Cane (I don't remember what their real names were) wonders how he knows their names, Scrooge doesn't really question it. He points a gun to Santa's head and tells him he has five seconds to tell them who he really is and he's not accepting "Santa Claus" as an answer. Before he can pull the trigger, they're distracted because "snow" is starting to fall and Candy Cane thinks he's "doing this with his Santa magic." Well, of course, it's just Trudy who has dumped a bunch of Styrofoam bits through the grate. 

During all this distraction, Santa is able to knok himself over and use his magic to go up the chimney. The others had their backs turned, but Gingerbread saw the last few seconds of it and Scrooge thinks there are rigs and pulleys to help him do that "trick". 

Okay, now is the time I'm going to put a spoiler warning up. I don't think anything I've mentioned so far has been too spoiler-y. There's a couple of twists coming up (though I predicted one and I should have realized the other one) and I will be revealing (if anyone) if any of the hostages or anyone else of importance dies. 

SPOILER ALERT IN 3....2.....1! 

Everyone can hear the extraction team (there must be about 30 of them?) approaching on their snow mobiles. Morgan and Bert taunt Krampus that they are about to be saved. Morgan, feeling confident, I guess, punches him, but when Krampus begins to fight back, Morgan runs and jumps out the widow (I guess he was feeling like he was in an action movie) and tells the extraction team he's one of the hostages.

Okay. When we first heard about the extraction team and were given updates of when they would arrive, I knew they would be working for Scrooge now. For one thing, there was just too much time left for the hostages to be rescued. For another thing, I just found it so super obvious. And I was right. Morgan is shot and killed. Totally called it that he would die.

Commander Thorp is given the update by Scrooge about the Santa running around and he has his men posted around the property to keep an eye out for him. He joins Scrooge and a few others in the room with the vault, attempting to open it. Obviously, Scrooge has promised Thorp a share of the money for his help. He has a key that will help open it. Ironically, while they're working on opening it, Thorp shares an anecdote of when he was a kid he loved opening presents so much that his mother would give him empty wrapped boxes for him so he could unwrap them and he didn't care if anything was inside. Sheesh, what a waste of paper! Well, guess what? The vault opens....and nothing is inside! I bet he cares now! 

Scrooge doesn't understand how this could have happen because he had "rock solid" intel and he knows that 300 million in cash was delivered to this residence yesterday. He thinks "somebody must have intercepted it." Do you remember the card Jason wrote to his mom? He was the one who took the money and told his mom in the card. Of course, he thought he would be long gone with it and his wife and daughter and that his mom would find out about it the next morning when she read the note. He only reveals this to Scrooge when he's about to shoot Linda because he doesn't think an in-law would know about the money. He and Gertrude (not really sure why she goes with them) lead him out to a life-size replica of a manger and the money is hidden in the hay. He gives orders to Krampus to kill the remaining hostages, but they are able to overtake him and kill him by beating him with some fire pokers.

While all that is going on, Santa is in a tool shed (one that's the size of a barn) where he finds a sledgehammer and this helps him single-handedly kill a bunch of the Kill Squad set to Bryan Adams' "Christmas Time" (which I always thought was called "Something About Christmas Time"). Other fun Christmas-y weapons of choice include an ice skate blade and a candy cane shiv. That reminds me; I haven't had a candy cane yet this holiday season! What is wrong with me? 

Now we get to the part of the film that simultaneously made me laugh and cover my eyes in horror while I cringed. I call this the R-rated Home Alone scene. Trudy has managed to set up a few traps and I was amazed that she set all this up in a couple hours, tops, but the I realized that in Home Alone it took Kevin a couple hours to set up all his traps which seems insane. Gingerbread and Candy Cane are walking through the upstairs hall when they see a board of nails (the sharp sides facing up, of course) on the floor and the ladder that leads to the attic is down with a nail on one of the rungs. Gingerbread calls up to her, "Booby traps don't work unless you hide them." Trudy hears him and radios Santa to tell him the bad guys have found her and he says he's on his way.

Gingerbread climbs the ladder, but Trudy has done something to one of the rungs so it's lose and he falls and his chin lands on the nail. Ahhhhhh, no! I honestly think that was way worse than the dude who got a star ornament stuck in his eye. Candy Cane climbs over him and enters the attic, but Trudy has lined up about five or six bowling balls and released them so they bounce off a small trampoline and roll towards her. She is able to get out of the way and they end up falling on Gingerbread. By this time he has lifted his chin off the nail (owwwwwwwwww) and one of the bowling balls knocks him into the board of nails. He pulls a nail out of his butt and stupidly looks closely at it. I wasn't really sure what he was doing, but it was very close to his eye and I was cringing hard just waiting for the last bowling ball to drop and send the nail in his eyes. Well, instead of his eye, it jabs him right in the middle of the forehead and he falls over, dead. So are you still on the nice list if you kill someone even if it's in self defense? 

After Trudy gets stuck in super glue and steps on ornaments (she had to take her shoes off), she's getting pissed off. The only contraption Trudy has left is a slingshot that doesn't really do anything but make the woman even more irate. Candy Cane takes out her gun, but here comes Santa to save the day. He's just like Old Man Marley! But instead of a shovel, he has a sledgehammer. Since she's still alive, he finishes her off. Now, isn't Santa a murderer in this scene? Yes, he has killed many other people this night, but that was in self defense, but here Candy Cane is pretty defenseless. Yes, she is a bad person, but maybe they should have tied her up and let the cops deal with her. 

Santa and Trudy meet up with the others in the living room and nobody really questions who this man dressed like Santa is, probably since they know he's helping them. Santa and Linda go outside to eliminate some of the men that are with Jason and Gertrude. There's some tense moments and many of the Kill Squad are killed, but Scrooge and Thorp (and maybe a couple more) are able to get away with the money on the snow mobiles. Jason and Linda passionately kiss when they realize they're both safe (for the moment) and Trudy sees this. 

We soon get to our stand-off between Santa and Scrooge, and Scrooge realizes that this is the real Santa when he gets his hands on the scroll and sees his name on the naughty list. Here are some of the reasons why he made that list:

-killed his best friend

-spreads misery

-thief

-broke his mother's heart

-greedy

-murderer

-hates Christmas

-selfish

Okay, what if you hate Christmas, but you're not a murderer? Would you still be on the naughty list? This proves to Scrooge that Santa is real. Now Scrooge wants to kill him so Christmas will end forever. He gets the upper hand on Santa, but Santa kills him by stuffing him up a chimney. Don't even ask me how that worked, but it certainly looked like an unpleasant death. Oh, and Thorp is killed by Gertrude so all our bad guys are dead as far as I know. 

Santa isn't doing too well and the others are gathered around him. He's cold and there are fires around him from the snow mobile crashes, but they're going out so they need to find something to burn to keep them going. Jason grabs the money from the snowmobiles and Alva isn't happy about that. 

Santa tells Trudy he thinks he used up all his Christmas magic and that he's sorry he didn't give her what she asked for, but Trudy tells him that he did. He dies (I thought he was just unconscious, but it is confirmed that he's dead) and I'm thinking, Wow, this movie is really gonna kill off Santa. Jason comments that "whoever he was, he was a brave man." Trudy insist that he's Santa and that she'll always believe in Santa. This makes everyone go around saying they also believe in Santa. (Linda believes in him because he saved Trudy and saved their family.) Santa wakes up and Jason is shocked because he was dead. Santa replies, "Christmas magic." Jason tells him he doesn't know how he'll ever replay him, but Santa tells him since he brought him back from the dead, they'll call it even. I mean, are we sure he just wasn't unconscious? 

Trudy sees the reindeer have come back and Santa goes over to inspect them. Apparently they flew all the way back to the North Pole and got his spare stack and Mrs. Claus put Skullcrusher in the sleigh for him with a note that reads "Thought you might need this too! Mrs. C."  A little too late for that now, Mrs Claus! I wonder how she even knew her husband needed that? Can the reindeer communicate with her somehow? I loved how she signed it Mrs. C., but I guess we don't know her first name. It's too bad we never meet her because I want to see who would be married to this Santa. I also want to know how the hell this man became Santa in the first place. 

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

A Christmas Story

Director: Bob Clark

Cast: Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin

Released: November 18, 1983

I know this movie is a Christmas staple for most people, but, honestly, it wouldn't even make my top ten holiday movies. What are those ten movies, you ask? Well, I would have to give it some real thought, but I know Home Alone, Elf, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation would be on there.

I think this was the second time in my life I have seen A Christmas Story in its entirety from start to finish. Now, I've seen certain scenes about a million times because back in the 2000s, (they may still do this; I honestly have no idea) it used to be on 24/7 during Christmas week on TBS or TNT so often, if I was watching TV with my brother, we would catch certain scenes at certain times and watch those. But I don't think I've seen a single second of the movie for the last ten years! (I kinda got sick of it from being on TV all the time in December!) 

This is a pretty straightforward movie. It revolves around the Parker family during Christmas in 1940s Indiana. I had a Today I Learned moment when I watched the movie recently: TIL that A Christmas Story takes place in the 1940s. I had no idea; I always thought it took place in the '50s. To be fair, I don't think they actually tell us when the movie is set, but when I streamed it, it was part of the description. It had to specifically be the year 1940 because there is no talk of World War II and there's mention of The Wizard of Oz which came out in' 39. Nine-year-old Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) is the main character and he narrates the movie as an adult, looking back at one of his most memorable childhood Christmases. Fun fact: the narrator is Jean Shepard, who wrote the novel the movie is based on. Ralphie wants a BB gun for Christmas, but since there isn't enough material to make that into an hour and a half film, the movie is comprised into many vignettes.

Ralphie first sees the "official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle" at a window display of Higbee's department store. So I thought Higbee's was a made up place, but it actually existed. Although it was in Cleveland, so they must live pretty close to the Ohio border if they're going there twice during the movie. Or they just didn't care if the geography made sense or not. I know the movie was filmed in Cleveland, so they probably just used it for convenience's sake. 

He's been thinking of ways to get the BB gun into his parents' subconscious, so he places an ad (which is more like a full-sized booklet than an ad!) for it in his mother's "Look" magazine so she'll see it. Ralphie thinks she'll read the ad, but I doubt she would. He places the magazine on his mother's bed. Yes, his mother's bed; not his parents' bed. His parents' room have two single beds with a bedside table between them. The two single beds are weird for a married couple and I wonder if this was how married people in the '40s slept or if this was how movies made in the '40s portrayed married couples so it wouldn't be scandalous. And, yes, I realize A Christmas Story was made in the early '80s, but maybe they were trying to go with a "realistic" approach. Or maybe this is a subtle way to show up that Ralphie's parents (Melinda Dillon and Darren McGavin) actually really can't stand each other. 

We never do see if Ralphie's mom finds the ad, but she does ask Ralphie what he wants for Christmas during breakfast and he just blurts it out. Isn't that easier just to tell her what he wants instead of going to all this trouble to give her subconscious hints? His mother's reply is, "You'll shoot your eye out." Yeah, I would never let my kid have a BB gun...that's just asking for trouble. It's either going to hurt someone or cause damage. 

Ralphie's teacher, Miss Shields, wants her students to write a theme, "What I Want For Christmas." This makes young Ralphie excited and adult Ralphie narrates, "I knew when Miss Shields read my magnificent, eloquent theme, that she would sympathize with my plight and everything would work out somehow." I guess he thinks his teacher is going to love his paper so much and agree that he should have a BB gun and she'll convince his mother to let him have one? I'm not sure what his thinking is here! 

Ralphie's "theme" is only about a paragraph long: 

What I Want For Christmas 

What I want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. I think that everybody should have a red Ryder BB gun. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think that a football is a very good Christmas present.

That's it. That's the entire paper. Maybe when Miss Shields said "theme", she meant paragraph. Look, I understand he's in third grade, but even as a third grader, I can guarantee you my class wrote longer papers than that! I cracked up when narrator Ralphie says, "Oh, rarely had the words poured from my pencil with such feverish fluidity." This paper is just awful. I think my favorite part is the last sentence because where the hell did a football suddenly come from? What does that have to do with anything? 

When Ralphie hands in his paper the next day, he tells us he knew he was handing in a "masterpiece" (this kid is delusional!) and that maybe his teacher would excuse him from writing theme papers "for the rest of [his] natural life." Like your third grade teacher could keep you from writing papers in high school or college. Often, Ralph has little daydreams about how he envisions certain events to go and one of the funniest is when he has a daydream of Miss Shields giving Fs to every single paper (and there's a huge stack of them in his fantasy even though there's probably about only 20 kids in the classroom), but then she comes to his paper and she is overwhelmed with emotion because his paper is so fantastic. She claims the sentence, "....Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time" is the sentence that she's been waiting for all her life and calls it "poetry". She writes A+ on his paper, then gets up and writes his name on the board with A++++++ next to it while all the kids around him cheer and hoist him on his shoulders. It is absolutely ridiculous, but that's what makes it so hilarious. 

As you can imagine, Ralphie did not get an A+ on his paper and his teacher did not think he was the next Shakespeare. He got a C+ which I thought was pretty generous, cuz that was a D+ paper at best. In red ink, his teacher writes, "You'll shoot your eye out" and Ralphie thinks his teacher and his mom are in cahoots together. 

Ralphie has one more chance to get the word out that he wants a BB gun and that's when his family goes to Higbee's to see Santa after watching a Christmas parade. Asking Santa for a gift makes more sense for a kid rather than writing a paper about it for his teacher. 

The line for Santa is a lot longer than Ralphie and his little brother, Randy, think it is. In front of them is this creepy kid who never stops smiling or staring at them. He tells them, "I like Santa", then, when people dressed like characters from The Wizard of Oz who were in the parade they saw, interact with the kids in the line, he tells them, "I like The Wizard of Oz." The Wicked Witch comes up to Ralphie and says, "What a tasty boy." Ralphie tells her, "Don't bother me. I'm thinking." Heh. I love that he basically told her to get the f*** away from him in the most polite way. 

Ralphie and his brother make it closer to Santa, but the clock is ticking down and the store will be closing at nine, which is just minutes away. Santa, who has an unnaturally red nose, tells one of the elves, "If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past nine, he can kiss my foot." But the thing is, once it is announced it is nine o'clock and the store is closing, he has at least five more kids come up to see him! Granted, none of them are visiting with him that long, but still, the way he was acting, I thought he was going to get up and leave. The elves are being rude and aggressive, telling the kids to hurry up and manhandling them and forcing them to sit in Santa's lap. If I were a kid in that line, I would definitely turn around and leave! Although the slide they go down after they see Santa looks like fun so I would be disappointed about missing out on that. Once it is Ralphie's turn and Santa asks him what he wants, he can't remember what he's supposed to say. I can't really blame him since the elves are being extremely rude, telling him to hurry up. Santa suggests that he might want a football (I guess a football was a popular gift for Christmas in the '40s?) and he nods in agreement, but as he's being put on the slide, he stops himself from going down and blurts out what he really wants: "an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle." He says it so fast that if I didn't already know what he was going to say, I would not have understood him. Santa understood him and tells him that he'll shoot his eye out. Hmmm, that seems to be a running theme!

Despite all that, Ralphie does get his beloved BB gun for Christmas. It's after all the presents have been opened and his father tells him there might be one more gift behind the desk. The mother is surprised, so she wasn't behind that at all. The father tells her that he had a bb gun when he was eight. 

Watching this movie again in a very long time, I found myself really disliking the mother and Randy, the little brother. Randy was just whiny, and yes, I realize he's just a little kid, but I just couldn't with his constant whining. I thought the mother was a little bit stupid or maybe naive (don't worry, I'll give examples shortly) and she treated both her sons like they were babies, especially Randy, she infantilized him. 

Point #1: When getting ready for walking to school, Ralphie is wearing normal winter clothes: jeans, sweater, coat, hat, mittens. Randy, on the other hand, is being stuffed into a red snowsuit while already wearing a bulky sweater. Ralphie compares his brother getting ready for school to getting prepared for deep-sea diving and he's not wrong. Randy is already wearing a hat, but his mom puts the hood of his snow suit over the hat. This is such a pet peeve of mine! If there is a hood already attached to the coat you're wearing, YOU DO NOT NEED A SEPARATE HAT! You already have one! She then proceeds to wrap a long scarf completely around his face, like a mummy. He starts whining and because his mouth is covered, he's muffled. I thought for sure he was going to tell her he needed to use the bathroom, but instead he whines that he can't put his arms down. He's just so overstuffed that it's impossible to put his arms by his side. His mom tells him that he can put them down once he gets to school. We never do see how he got out of that thing at school, but we do see him wearing it when he walks home from school, so did he ever take the stupid thing off? Also, that kid had to be ROASTING in that thing, good Lord! You would think his mother would just get him a normal coat and not a snow suit that takes forever to bundle up in. Ralphie has a normal coat, so why not her other son? There is a hilarious moment when they're walking to school and Randy gets knocked down and he's rolling around on his back like a turtle because he can't get up, so Ralphie has to help him. 

Point #2: Ralphie tells us that Randy "had not eaten voluntarily in over three years." I think this is because his mom is a horrible cook. All the meals just look so disgusting. The oatmeal he has for breakfast makes me want to vomit because it looks like vomit. She also serves them a disgusting dinner of meatloaf, mashed potatoes (didn't see any gravy) and red cabbage not once, but twice during the film. Although, her husband and Ralphie seem to have no problem eating this disgusting meal and it seems more like they're telling us that Randy is just a picky eater. He's just playing with his food (building a sculpture) and his mother tells him, "Don't play with your food, eat it" and that starving people would be happy to have it. Ha! Now while they may eat it (because they're starving), I doubt they would be happy about it! She asks Randy to pretend he's "a little piggy" and that his plate is the trough and show her how one would eat. We get this gross scene of him just putting his face in the plate of food and his mother is laughing in delight like it's the cutest thing she's ever seen when just seconds before she had told him not to play with his food. I would have more of the reaction that Ralph and the dad have...they just look on in disgust, especially the dad. This scene goes on way too long and I definitely could have done without it. 

Point #3: When they're opening presents Christmas morning, Ralphie is told by his mother to open the gift from Aunt Clara because she always sends him "such wonderful presents." Really? Does she? Because for this Christmas, Ralphie gets a pink bunny onesie. This is just not ugly, but creepy, because attached to the feet are pink bunny slippers....why would a bunny have heads attached to their feet? That makes no sense. Adult Ralphie narrates to us that not only did Aunt Clara seemed to think he was "perpetually four years old, but also a girl." But I don't think even a nine-year-old girl would want that pink atrocity. I don't think anyone in their right mind would want that. Of course, Ralphie is embarrassed as he's forced by his mother to show everyone what he got. She tells him (and she's being sincere here) that Aunt Clara "always gives [him] the nicest things." Huh? Is she for real? Is Aunt Clara her sister? And how old is Aunt Clara? Cuz I'm picturing this eighty-year-old woman who has no idea what a nine-year-old boy would want for Christmas. She makes Ralphie go upstairs to try it on and reluctantly he does. Once he returns, she says, "That's the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life." Again, I ask, is she for real? How can you think something so UGLY and CREEPY look "precious"? At least the father think it's a sh*t present. He tells his wife that Ralphie looks like "a deranged Easter bunny" and "a pink nightmare." Finally, the mother realizes how miserable Ralphie looks and tells him he only needs to wear it when Aunt Clara visits. I hope for his sake that Aunt Clara lives on some remote island off the coast of Alaska, but why would he need to wear it when she visits? 

So pretty much all the examples I've given so far are how she treats her sons like babies, but I do have one last example of her being a little bit dumb. (Although I think she's pretty dumb if she thinks Ralphie would like that creepy bunny outfit.) After Ralphie gets his bb gun, he goes outside to play with it. It came with a paper target that he's taped to a tree and after he shoots the gun the first time, the force is so strong that it ends up knocking his glasses off his face (and losing one of the lenses) and he gets a scratch on his face. While looking for his glasses, he ends up stepping on them and the other lens crack. He decides to make up this bullshit story of how an icicle broke and shattered his glasses and his mom buys this story! Seriously? Like, he was literally just playing with an effing BB gun that she was worried about and she believes that his glasses were broken because of an icicle? So stupid. There's no way anyone would buy that story. 

All right, so now I'll talk about some of the vignettes that are sprinkled throughout the story. I'm going to start with the ones I remember the most.

While walking to school with his two friends, Schwartz and Flick, Schwartz tells them that he asked his "old man" if sticking your tongue to a metal pole in winter will make it stick and he said it was true. Flick doesn't believe that to be true. Schwartz tells him that his dad knows because he saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track and it got stuck and the fire department had to come and help. I see what you're doing there, movie. A little foreshadowing. 

At recess, while standing next to the flagpole, Flick tells Schwartz he still doesn't believe one can get their tongue stuck to a metal pole and Schwartz double dares him to do it. Flick tells him he doesn't want to stick his tongue to the pole because it's dumb and Schwartz replies, "That's cause you know it'll stick." Can't argue with him there. He next double dog dares him. Ralphie's wide-eyed reaction is hilarious and so is his narration: "Now it was serious. A double dog dare. What else was left but a triple dare you? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare." Schwartz skips the triple dare and goes right into the triple dog dare which shocks everyone (all the students are pretty much gathered around the flagpole watching this whole thing unfold...I guess they didn't have a teacher out on the playground in those days). Because of the triple dog dare, Flick finally agrees and the stupid kid sticks his tongue to the flag pole and it gets stuck. I'm pretty sure this movie is the reason why I've never stuck my tongue to a frozen pole, though I've never had any inclination to touch my tongue to anything. Even before Covid, the idea just makes me shudder with disgust. 

The bell rings and all the kids start running back towards the school. Flick (who can barely talk, mind you) pleads for Ralphie to stay with him and he's all, "The bell rang!" When Schwartz asks Ralphie what they're going to do, Ralphie's only response is just to whine, "I don't know! The bell rang!" and both friends just run off, leaving poor Flick by himself. At least Schwartz, the one who dared Flick to touch his tongue to the pole, tried to act like he cared! When all the kids are back in the classroom and the teacher asks where Flick is, a little girl points to the window where she sees him and the fire department has to come and help him. Maybe back in those days, the fire department would be the best people to call, but I feel now people would just Google what to do! Honestly, if I were that kid, I would be mortified in a firetruck came and caused a huge scene. I think even one kid mentions that the cops are there....like, what the hell? Of course, I would never be that stupid in the first place to touch my tongue to a cold (or even non-cold!) metal pole! 

Since we're already in the school setting, there's a scene at the beginning of the school day where the teacher has just come in and says good morning to the class while her back is turned to them writing something on the chalkboard. The class replies to her in muffled voices and when she turns around, they're all wearing these exaggerated fake front teeth. She doesn't even crack a smile, but instead just holds out her hand for them to all put their fake teeth, which have been in their disgusting little germ-filled mouths, mind you. Ewww! Why not tell them to throw them away in the trash? She opens a drawers in her desk and dumps them in there and we see it is full of other jokes and gags which includes chattering teeth, a rubber mouse, a rubber frog, sunglasses with a fake nose, and a fake ear with a fly. Whoever bought those fake teeth sure wasted their money!

The leg lamp ("Oh, wow!") is another storyline that is very memorable. Actually, what I didn't remember is how the dad obtained it in the first place, but I guess he won a trivia contest in the newspaper and he would be getting his "award" that night. I don't know why he referred to it as an "award"; when I think of an award, I think of a trophy or a certificate. Wouldn't this be a prize for winning the contest? 

For some reason, he thinks he might be getting a bowling alley and his wife asks him how they're going to deliver that to their house (another reason why I think she's dumb) and he tells her they would deliver the deed. But instead he is delivered a huge wooden crate that says "fragile" on it and he pronounces it "frah-gee-lay", claiming it must be Italian until his wife points out what it really says. Personally, I think we should all pronounce "fragile" like "frah-gee lay"! 

Since it's a wooden crate, he has to open it with a hammer and he opens the box to find the tacky and gaudy leg lamp wearing a heel and fishnet stockings and the lamp shape is made to look like the skirt. The dad and Ralphie are instantly enthused by it. The dad wants to put it on a table in the middle of their front room window, basically so all the neighbors can see and be envious of his arousing leg lamp. He plugs it in and we see there's about ten plugs in one outlet; guess they didn't care about electrical safety back in those days! He goes outside to direct his wife where to move it so it's in the perfect spot and he attracts a crowd around him and his poor wife is just mortified. I guess back in those days, that lamp would be considered scandalous and racy. Ralphie keeps caressing the leg and his mom distracts him by telling his favorite radio program, "Little Orphan Annie" is on. 

This brings me to the next vignette, one I didn't remember much of. After school one day, Ralphie gets his "Little Orphan Annie" secret decoder pin that he's sent away for and it finally comes in the mail. He tunes in to listen the numbers that are given which he writes down and will decode a secret message. Once he has the numbers, he goes to the bathroom because it's the only private room in the house (he shares a room with his brother) because he thinks this is some top secret, important, for his eyes only kind of message. While he's in there, his brother has to use the bathroom (guess they only have one bathroom in this house!) and so far he only has "Be sure to..." written down. I thought it was going to reveal to say "Be sure to tune in tomorrow night for...." or something like that. By this time Randy is knocking on the door and whining for him to hurry up and his mother is yelling at him to get out of the bathroom. I really can't blame either of them; I would be livid if I had to go and the only bathroom in the house was being occupied by someone who wasn't even using the toilet! The message actually ends up being "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine" and Ralphie is greatly disappointed. I really hate how this kid writes. He leaves no spaces between his words so it looks like BESURETO....He really should be grateful he got a C+ on that paper because even a D+ seems pretty generous for that atrocious paper! 

And finally, the last vignette I'll talk about is when Ralphie gets his mouth washed out with soap for saying a bad word. It's when the family is driving home from buying a Christmas tree and the car gets a flat tire. When the dad gets out to take a look at it, the mom tells Ralphie to go and help his dad. (By the way, in case you hadn't already noticed, the parents in this movie aren't given names). I thought Ralphie was going to whine, but instead he seems excited about the prospect of helping his dad. His dad gives him a bowl-shaped thing so he can hold the bolts in it. Because of the dad's actions (he flings his hands too quickly and it ends up knocking the bowl), the bolts go flying in the air and Ralphie goes, "Oh, fuuuuuuuuu-dge." But of course that's not what he really said! The dad is appalled by his language and when they get back in the car, he whispers to his wife what his son just said and she is just so aghast. This leads to Ralphie getting his mouth washed out with soap when they get home and when she asks him where he heard that word, he tells her it was his friend.

This whole thing just made me mad. First of all, it was his dad's fault for flipping the bowl over and losing the bolts! I think Ralphie just had a natural reaction to it. I could totally understand him getting in trouble if he had said, "Hey, Ma, this meatloaf looks like f****** s***!" Now, he would have been telling the truth, but I would totally understand him getting in trouble if he had said that! But if I were in his situation, off the shoulder of the highway, helping my dad fix a flat tire and a bunch of bolts flew all over, yes, I'd probably have some choice words to say! (I don't think the bolts are ever retrieved, so they must not have been that important!) I get that he's in trouble for the word he used and not because of what happened to the bolts, but it is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS that the mom asks Ralphie where he heard that word because she should know he heard it from her husband. There's a scene early in the movie where it is established that the furnace often breaks down and he has to go down to the basement to fix it. When he's down there, we can hear him saying gibberish words which are meant to be obscenities the whole family can hear. It kind of reminds me how Joe Pesci "curses" in Home Alone. Since he wasn't allowed to swear in a PG movie, he just ended up saying gibberish words which were being substituted for swear words his character would probably say in real life! But the mother is right there and I'm sure she's heard other instances of her husband cursing like a sailor because Ralphie tells us that he's heard his dad use "the f dash dash dash word" at least ten times a day! I'm not really sure why he's trying to protect his dad and tells his mom he learned the word from his friend, but his mom should know. Hell, even Mrs. Schwartz knows when she calls his friend's mom and tells her the word that Ralphie just used (I love that she whispers the word instead of just saying he said "the f word") and asks her does she know where Ralphie heard that word and you can hear Mrs. Schwartz (rightly) say, "Probably from his father." Just another reason why I think the mother in this movie is an idiot! She tells Mrs. Schwartz that he learned the word from her son and you can hear Mrs. S screaming at and smacking her son. I felt bad for the kid since he did nothing wrong and Ralphie sold him out. 

Ralphie is sent to bed early for his punishment and we get a funny daydream where he has gone blind and when he visits his parents, they're shocked to find out he's blind and when they ask how this happened, he dramatically tells them, "It was soap poisoning" and they're besides themselves, crying. It's hilarious when they go back to Ralphie, laying on his bed, with a big grin on his face. 

Oh, something I had completely forgotten about was their neighbors, the Bumpuses, have about five or six bloodhounds (Ralphie will tell you it's 785) who "ignore every other human on earth but [his dad]." I remember the family ends up eating at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day, but I thought it was because their turkey had deflated (I must have been thinking of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation!), but it's actually because the dogs get in the house (I guess Ralphie had left the door open when he came in from playing with his BB gun) and gobble (ha! no pun intended, honestly!) up the turkey. 

I know people love this movie and while there are some fun and memorable scenes, for the most part, I can take it or leave it (mostly leave it). It's not as funny as Elf or Home Alone or Christmas Vacation or even as sentimental as those!