Corresponding in New York

You've Got Mail

Director: Nora Ephron

Cast: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Greg Kinnear, Parker Posey, Dabney Coleman, Dave Chappelle

Released: December 18, 1998

Wow, this movie brought back memories of AOL. Not necessarily good memories, but aggravating memories. Remember how long it took to get onto AOL and that ANNOYING dial tone sound (which I was reminded of because that irritating sound is used in the movie when they get on AOL). It was like EUGHGHGHGHGHRRRRH,,,RRRRRRRR...!!! Okay, I can't really mimic it with my typing, but if you've ever used America Online, you know what I'm talking about! Now, I liked AOL when I had it, but I didn't have anything else to compare it too, but once internet connection got better, you can bet I was done with that sh*t! 

So as you may or may not know, this is the third movie Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star in together. Even though they have way more screen time together in this movie than they did in Sleepless in Seattle, I would say Sleepless is the more iconic and beloved movie. The first movie they were in together was Joe Versus the Volcano, a movie I don't think I've ever seen (if I have, I've forgotten everything about it). 

The beginning of this movie with the credits has some of the worst computer graphics I've ever seen, but I'm guessing for the time (1998), they were supposed to be innovative or something. Yikes! We are first introduced to Kathleen (Meg Ryan) who lives with her writer boyfriend, Frank (Greg Kinnear). After he leaves for work, she tiptoes around the house to make sure he's gone so she can sign onto AOL and essentially cheat on her significant other as she's been having a relationship with someone she's met online. The movie wants you to think this is the cutest thing ever. As soon as I heard the sound of that irritating dial tone, I thought to myself, Yep! That's a sound I sure don't miss! As soon as she signs on, we hear the computerized voice tell her, "Welcome! You've got mail!" That's a sound that will be forever etched into my brain, even though it's probably been more than twenty years since I last heard it. (Okay, obviously that's a lie since I just saw this movie not that long ago, but you know what I mean). Kathleen mouths "You've got mail" along with the computer voice and that is kinda cute, I will admit. We see her screen name is Shopgirl which would never happen. More likely, it would be Shopgirl1962 or Shoppppgirrrll. There's no way she would be able to get simply "Shopgirl". I still remember my AOL screen name: it was Hourless. I didn't want to add numbers (I don't know why I was so opposed to numbers in my screen name, I guess because it doesn't look as nice, but now I usually do have to add number to any site where I have a screen name and I usually just use my birthday...now you know my birthday!) I got the name from a horse that won the Belmont Stakes in the early 20th century. I scoured my almanac of the list of horses that won races that are part of the Triple Crown; you can find a lot of interesting names and unusual names since they have very strict rules about what people name their horses since you obviously you can't have repeat names. 

Anyhoo, Kathleen does indeed have mail just like the AOL computer guy tells her. It's an e-mail from someone with the screen name NY152. I suppose this screen name is more realistic to get than "Shopgirl", but yawn, how boring! Though "Shopgirl" isn't particularly exciting or original. BTW, you may be thinking Kathleen chose the name "Shopgirl" because she likes to shop, but you would be wrong. While I am sure she does like to shop, she has it because she owns a children's bookstore called The Shop Around the Corner. The e-mail from NY152 is presumably from a man around her age (how would she even know for sure since she's never met him?) that talks about his dog and how much he loves New York in the fall. This scene establishes that they don't know each other's names or addresses (or what they look like, for that matter). NY152 tells Shopgirl "this not knowing has its charms." Uh-huh, sure. 

If you haven't already guessed by now, NY152 is Tom Hanks, whose character's name is Joe. His screen name is what it is because he lives on 152nd street in New York. These people aren't the most original with their screen names! Like Kathleen, Joe also lives with a significant other. His girlfriend, Patricia (Parker Posey), lives with him. After she leaves, like Kathleen, Joe is also tiptoeing to the computer to make sure he's not caught. I'm not really sure why they gave our two main characters live-in significant others. I guess to be an obstacle, but it just made our main characters unlikeable because they were essentially cheating on them. Sure, Shopgirl and NY152 have never met, but they were still having an emotional connection online and were keeping the other a secret from their significant others. Super shady if you ask me! It's also so weird how Kathleen is acting like she is in love with this man she's never met (and could be anyone from a sixteen-year-old boy messing with her or an eighty-year-old lonely man or a man her age....but who is a serial killer...I guess the concept of being "catfished" wasn't something people thought of back then). She writes him, "I can't wait to hear those three little words (she means "you've got mail", not the other three you may be thinking of!). I don't hear the streets of New York, jut the sound of my heart beating." Huh, what? Who says that?

As "Dreams" by the Cranberries (the only good song in this movie) is playing, we see a montage of both Kathleen and Joe walking the streets of New York...and just barely missing each other several times! Joe goes into Starbucks just as Kathleen is coming out of it and we see them walking parallel each other on opposites sides of a gate. 

So I mentioned Kathleen owns a small children's book shop called The Shop Around the Corner. It used to belong to her mom, but Kathleen took over when her mom died...whenever that was as we're not given a definite time when this happened. Since it only caters to children (and probably only children to a certain age because I didn't see any young adult novels in there, though maybe there were) it's a very niche shop. It is a very charming little shop and feels very cozy and homey. Kathleen is very personable with her patrons and knows many of them by name. She has story hour and just makes sure everyone who comes to her store has a good experience. The only thing people might gripe about on their Yelp page might be the prices because they tend to be a little higher than what you would find at a chain bookstore. 

And speaking of chain bookstores...Joe's father (Dabney Coleman) owns a chain of Barnes and Noble clone bookstores called Fox and Sons and they're opening on on the Upper West Side which isn't too far from The Shop Around the Corner. (In fact, I'm pretty certain where they filmed was a B&N). Joe tells his friend/employee, Kevin (Dave Chappelle), about their customers: "We're going to seduce them with our square footage, our discounts, our deep armchairs and our cappuccino." 

Joe's dad is getting married again. The "again" implies that he's been married quite a few times. The woman he is marrying, Gillian, is quite younger than him as they have a four-year-old son together. They've been living together for five years. At this point, why even bother getting married? So a thirty-something man has a four-year-old brother. Granted, it's his half-brother, but still, that's odd. The whole thing with Joe's unusual family situation doesn't really add anything and doesn't need to be in the movie. 

I had to chuckle during a scene where we see Kathleen on the subway and she's reading a book as are some of the other people around her. No way this would happen now; most people would be on their phones! I say that even though I would be someone with a book.

When Kathleen opens her shop the same day she's just messaged Joe, her young employees, Christina and George (Heather Burns and Steve Zahn) can tell something is up with her because she's acting all lovey-dovey. When they ask her what's going on, she asks, "Is it infidelity if you're involved with someone on e-mail?" Uh, yes, especially if you're building an emotional bond with that person. We find out that she met NY152 in the "Over 30" chatroom. Oh, man, the only thing I remember about chat rooms were the stupid A/S/L template somebody would type every thirty seconds, I swear. Also, I remember that in chat rooms everyone was talking at the same time and it was just a mess. That got real old real fast. She tells her co-workers they both started chatting about "books and music" and how much they "both love New York." You know, I listened to a podcast where they said they treat New York like it's some quaint little town and I have to agree with that statement. I wonder if they went into their own private chat room or just kept chatting while there were other people in the chatroom. Oh, besides not knowing his name or what he looks like, she also doesn't know what he does because they agreed not to tell each other that for some reason. Gee, how totally convenient! Because if she learned he was part of the Fox Books empire, she would not take so kindly to him! 

And speaking of Fox Books, Kathleen and her employees see the building where they have painted "Fox Books Coming Soon" ON THE BUILDING. Why did they paint that on the building? Why not just make a sign? They're just going to have to paint over the letters. 

We get a montage of NY152 and Shopgirl (aka Joe and Kathleen) exchanging cutesy little stories and insights. We see Joe attempting to read Pride and Prejudice as we hear a voiceover from Kathleen telling him she's read it 200 times (200 times? That seems like overkill.) She tells him that she gets "lost in the language" and we see Joe looking really bored and flippantly toss the side aside. I'm on Joe's side here. I've never read Pride and Prejudice. I once tried to read Wuthering Heights. Boy, that didn't last long. I think I read the first chapter, then was like, Nope, not for me. But when Kathleen tells him, "Read it. I know you'll love it," he throws up his hands in defeat and reaches for the book which he does read. I'm not really sure why Kathleen thinks he'll love it. I guess they've had enough discussion about books for her to come to that conclusion.

The day Joe meets Kathleen (without knowing she's the one he's been corresponding with, obviously) is the day he spends with his four-year-old half-brother, Matt. Also along with them is Annabel, the daughter of his grandfather, who is probably around ten. What the heck is up with this family? They sure like to have children when they are old! Gillian brings the kids to him along with the nanny in case he couldn't handle them, but he tells the nanny to take the day off. Gillian tells Joe to kiss her because she's going to be his "wicked stepmother" and as he hesitantly kisses her on the cheek, she turns her head so they're kissing on the lips. I thought she was making a pass at Joe because she is closer in age to him than she is to Joe's father, and let's face it, she's only getting married to Mr. Fox because he's worth a lot of money. 

We see a cute montage of Tom Hanks and the two kids at the fair doing cute stuff like a ring toss, riding in cars that go around in circles, getting their faces painted, eating cotton candy, and hitting a scale with a hammer to see how much weight they can hit (which when Joe does, the hammer goes flying, so I don't know if this was purposeful or something they left in because Tom Hanks accidentally lost control of it). When they leave the fair, they walk past Kathleen's shop where there is a sign saying that story hour is about to begin and the kids want to see the "Storybook Lady", who is obviously Kathleen. While she reads from a children's book (I don't even remember what it was, but I wasn't familiar with), the children are engrossed in the story and Joe is clearly charmed.

Afterwards, Kathleen is showing Annabel some books. She assumes Joe is her dad, which, I can't blame her, because I would probably think the same thing. I would not think that this little girl is the aunt to this grown man, but that is what she tells Kathleen. 

Annabel sneezes and Kathleen offers the girl her (unused) handkerchief. Okay, why would you give a child (or anyone for that matter) a handkerchief to blow their snotty nose with? There are daises on it and Kathleen tells her that her mom embroidered them on it because daises are her favorite flower. I thought this was going to tip off Joe, like maybe Shopgirl had mentioned daises being her favorite flower, and he was going to figure out who she was, but he doesn't. I suppose even if he did know that fact about Shopgirl, I'm sure a lot of people like daisies. However, daisies will come back later on in the movie. And it wouldn't make sense for one of them to know who the other is so early in the film. We still have a lot of shenanigans to go through! Anyway, in a later scene, Kathleen reaches under the counter to retrieve a box of Kleenex which she offers to a woman who is crying because she is upset that Kathleen has to (spoiler alert!) close her store. This is proof that Kathleen didn't need to give Annabel her handkerchief! I would rather give someone my handkerchief to dry their tears than to someone who just sneezed! Look, I get that we need to have a link to the daisies, but that just bugs me! 

When Joe asks who she is, she tells him her name and that she owns this store. When she asks who HE is, he just replies, "Joe. Just call me Joe." This won't be the first non-truth that he keeps from her! 

The Fox bookstore has been opened for six days and Kathleen learns that they did $1200 less than the same week last year. Her young employee, Christina, is worried they will have to close and she will never be able to find another part time job and won't be able to pay her rent and will have to move to Brooklyn. I have so many questions: Where does she live now? And does she have another job? Because surely she can't afford anything in Manhattan if she's working part time at a children's book store unless Kathleen is super generous with the salary. Also, I'm sure it wouldn't be that HARD to find a part-time job....there must be thousands of them in NYC. Of course, I don't live there, so what do I know? Also, when she mentions she'll have to move to Brooklyn, she says it with such disdain dripping in her voice. I guess this was before Brooklyn became a cool place to live. 

Kathleen learns who Joe really is (as in that he's part of the Sons of Fox and Sons Bookstores, not that he's NY152, because, again, it is to early for them to find out who they really are) when she's attending a party with Frank. After she sees Joe and chats with him for a few minutes, someone comes up to her and tells her he can't believe she was talking to Joe Fox. She confronts Joe and accuses him of spying on her because she is the competition. 

Later that evening, Kathleen e-mails NYC152 to vent to him about Joe (which is hilarious since she is talking to Joe), but of course she's being as vague as possible so he doesn't even have a clue she's actually talking about HIM. When he replies back, he asks her if she thinks they should meet and Kathleen responds by closing her laptop. 

We then get a montage of either Kathleen seeing Joe everywhere she goes and trying to avoid him or Joe seeing Kathleen everywhere he goes and trying to avoid her. 

Things aren't looking too good for Kathleen's bookstore. A children's book author will be signing books soon at Fox and Sons, an author who used to have a good relationship with Kathleen and the Shop Around the Corner. Also, it's around Christmas and Kathleen sees many holiday shoppers walking by holding Fox and Sons Bookstore bags. How depressing is that? 

Kathleen emails NY152 and tells him she wishes her mother was still alive so she could ask her for some advice and Joe replies and ask if he can help. When Kathleen is about to reply, she gets an IM from Joe who tells her he had a feeling she would be online. (Um, if I remember right, you can see when someone is online unless they have you blocked or something. It's not like you're blindly sending them an instant message and guessing that they're online). Anyway, this seems to be the first time they're chatting live. She tells him her business is in trouble and he replies that he's a "brilliant businessman" and that he can help. When he asks her what she does, she refuses to tell him since they had both agreed on "no specifics." Obviously, this is done for plot purposes. Haha, can you imagine if she had told him she owned The Shop Around the Corner and he realized he was talking to Kathleen? But it's not time for either of them to realize who the other really is yet. 

So she vaguely tells him the problem and he tells her she "needs to go to war". Basically he writes a three paragraph essay on IM; doesn't he know that's what emails are for? I almost wanted to type out the entire thing he wrote to her, but that would take way too long and I didn't want to bore you with the details. (There were a lot of references to The Godfather). He writes her, "It's not personal, it's business" and tells her to recite that until she's all psyched up.

She asks Frank if he could write something about the store and he does. After his article comes out, people start picketing in front of Fox and Sons with signs that read "Bigger isn't better" and "Put socks in Fox" (eh, I feel like that one's kinda stretching it). They chant, "1, 2, 3, 4 we don't want your superstore, 5, 6, 7, 8, go away and close the gate." 

Ever after all this publicity, there hasn't been any difference in Kathleen's store's sales. So she e-mails NY152 to tell him she needs help and ask if he still wants to meet. They really hadn't talked about meeting since he had asked her earlier and she just ignored his comment about it. So now this is when the movie starts to get interesting. They're finally going to realize who the other person is and that they actually hate each other in real life! Ruh-roh! So they agree on a time and place to meet.

While Kathleen is already at Cafe Lalo (insert Better Call Saul joke here) Joe is walking with Kevin to meet Shopgirl. He has brought Kevin with him so he can check out the woman he's to meet. Shopgirl has told Joe that she will be have a book with a rose in it (ugh, how cliche is that? I would be too embarrassed to have a book (that she so prominently places on the table) with a rose sticking on it. If I were meeting somebody I never met, I would just tell them what color top I'm wearing or something like that) so that's how he will know it's her. Joe plans to only stay ten minutes. He'll say hello, have a cup of coffee, then "split". Now I know what you're thinking: couldn't have Joe just peered into the cafe and take a peek and see for himself? Well, yes, of course he would have, but it wouldn't have the same impact. You see, Kevin knows what Kathleen Kelly looks like because he saw her being interviewed on TV. 

Cafe Lalo -
they serve killer coffee!

So Kevin peers through the entrance and spots the book with the rose in it and first tells Joe that the woman looks very similar to Kathleen Kelly, then tells him it IS her. Joe is such a douche in this scene and I'm wondering why we are rooting for these two to get together? Instead of going in and admitting that he's NY152, he decides to let her wait there for a few minutes, then go in and act like he just popped in for a coffee and pretty much torments her and makes her feel bad about being stood up even though he's the one who stood her up! He tells her "this is a coincidence" that he ran into her. He sits at her table even though she tells him she's waiting for somebody (although, unbeknownst to her, the person she is waiting for is already sitting at her table!). He tells her he'll just sit there until her friend arrives. Obviously he knows nobody will be coming and just wants to rub it in her face and watch her face fall as any guy who enters completely ignore her. He even makes fun of the rose she brought. And when she asks him to leave, he just sits at the table behind her. This has to be the worst character Tom Hanks has ever played! He's such a jerk! He's just making her feel bad for being stood up and she tells him the man she's meeting is nothing like him (Oh, honey, if you only knew...) and tells him, "If he's not here, he has a reason." Joe takes offense to this and tells her she doesn't really know him to which she replies, "If I really knew you, I know what I would find. Instead of a brain, a cash register. Instead of a heart, a bottom line." She also tells him nobody will remember him or his and store and that he's "nothing but a suit." 

Of course she e-mails NY152 to tell him she went to meet him but he wasn't there and she felt foolish and wishes she knew why he wasn't there. I feel like if this happened in real life, the person who was stood up wouldn't even contact the person who stood them up because, odds are, they wouldn't even reply. She tells him while she was waiting for him, "a man who has made my professional life a misery" showed up, and, "for the first time in my life, when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I said it." She writes him this because they have had conversations about this. She had told him when she is provoked by someone she doesn't like, she gets tongue tied and her mind goes blank, then she "spends all night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what [she] should have said." She tells him it was the first time in her life she was able "to say the exact thing [she] wanted at the exact moment [she] wanted to say it. She goes on to say she she felt terrible afterwards and pretty much apologized to Joe without realizing it.

When Joe receives this e-mail, he thinks of an excuse as to why he wasn't there and starts typing things like he was out of town or he was stuck in a meeting and the electricity went out and he couldn't get out of the building. This scene drove me absolutely crazy because every time he would delete something, instead of highlighting the section he wanted to delete and pressing the "delete" button, he would press the backspace/delete key several times to delete the individual characters he had just typed! UGHGHGHGH! That was so irritating! WHY do people own a computer if they don't know how to use one?? 

After taking ten minutes to delete everything, he starts over and writes, "Dear friend, I cannot tell you what happened last night." (Oh, yeah, that doesn't sound shady at all!) He continues to say he feels terrible she found herself in a situation that caused her "additional pain" and that he will "explain everything" someday. Why not just come clean right now? I think the longer he waits, the worse it's going to be. At least, in theory. 

The movie takes a surprisingly realistic turn when Kathleen finally realizes she needs to close her store. I honestly was expecting her to come through and "win" and be able to keep her store. It is very sad when she has to close it. She puts a sign on the door which reads, "After 42 years, we are closing our doors. We have loved being part of your lives."  Now, ironically, Fox and Sons Bookstore would be closed (probably not too long after Kathleen's shop closed) because Amazon would be taking over. So suck it, Joe Fox!

She and Frank break up and it is the most mutual break up ever. They go out for dinner (well, first, actually they go to a movie, but they end up leaving during the previews because Frank can tell Kathleen is upset about something, so basically they wasted their money on a movie they never saw). At the restaurant Kathleen basically tells him she wants to break up and he agrees. He even admits he has his eye on someone. It's like, dude, maybe not mention that. I know she wants to break up with you, but you don't need to justify why you want to break up with her. Though to be fair, she's essentially been cheating on him this whole time so I guess it's only fair that he has someone else on the sideline He asks her if there's someone else and she says no (:::coughthat'saliecough:::), but that "there is the dream of someone else." Okay, Kathleen, whatever makes you feel better. 

For some reason, she goes to the children's section at Fox Books. I guess to make herself even more depressed. No, the reason for this scene is for Joe to observe her. While she's there, someone comes up to a guy who is working and asks him about a certain book he can't find but the employee has no idea what he's talking about. Kathleen, overhearing all this, gives them her expertise. 

Joe also breaks up with his girlfriend and moves into his boat. Because apparently he can't afford an apartment? They sure tied up Kathleen and Joe breaking up with their significant others into a nice little bow, didn't they? We also found out Joe's dad broke up with Gillian. She ran off with the nanny, of all things. I was so confused by this because throughout the movie it seemed like she was coming onto Joe. There was the scene where she tricked him into kissing her on the lips. There's also another scene around Christmas where the entire family is listening to Annabel sing Christmas carols and Gillian sits next to Joe on the couch and starts massaging his thigh! Like, what the hell? This prompts Joe to get up and the nanny sits in his spot. I guess you could say that was a ruse to get Joe to leave so the two secret (very secret, as this came out of left field!) lovebirds could sit together. 

Okay, I mentioned earlier that Dreams is the only good song in this movie. I totally forgot that Signed, Sealed, Delivered plays while Joe goes to Kathleen's apartment to bring her flowers. And not just any flowers, but daisies! Aha! That scene with the daisies on the handkerchief has finally paid off! Joe is bringing her flowers because he heard she was sick (from who?). He rings her buzzer and she doesn't want him to come in. Even if they were on good terms, I doubt she would want him to come in because when you're sick, the last thing you want is to socialize! You just want to stay in bed and sleep! Even though she has adamantly told him she doesn't want him to come in, he does anyway when someone is leaving the building. Kathleen is in her pajamas and she's got Kleenex everywhere and is eating soup. Joe tells her he wants to be her friend and wants to know what happed with the guy at the cafe. Obviously, he knows what happened! He seems to have a sick pleasure of messing her this way. She replies "nothing" and affirms she is crazy about him. But why? Why is so so head over heels about this guy she's never met and (as far as she's concerned) stood her up? It doesn't make sense to me. Joe suggests that she should meet him. Oh, really, Joe? 

Kathleen agrees with Joe (for whatever reason; I know, I know, it's all part of the plot) and later e-mails NY152 to tell him she wants to meet him and he agrees and replies, "I'm in the middle of a project that needs tweaking" and they will meet after that. Of course, his project is to groom Kathleen to make her fall for him and get info about her conversations with NY152, to see her side of things. He gets Kathleen to tell him what NY152 wrote to her and he suggests that he might be married. She doesn't believe this at all, but he's all, "Oh, are you sure?" and this makes her write to NY152 to ask if he's married and he replies with something like, "I can't believe you would ask me something like that" and never gives her a yes or no answer. Aurgh, at this point he is just messing with her for his own amusement. I honestly don't understand what the point of all of this is except for him to be an a$$h0le. 

We find out that Kathleen is working on a children's book and she tells Joe that that NY152 was the one who got her thinking about writing, so you know he felt pretty smug when she told him that!

Kathleen mentions that they keep bumping into each other (because he is low-key stalking her, it's all part of his plan) and Joe suggests that they "bump" into each other on Saturday, knowing full well that Kathleen can't meet with him because she's already made plans to meet with NY152 that afternoon at Riverside Park. Joe suggests he mights be a "westside" and Kathleen says, "Maybe I've seen him and don't even know it" and Joe replies, "You could have seen him every day and not know it. He could be anybody." At this point, I'm wondering if Kathleen is beginning to suspect it's him. We get no real evidence that she might. 

Joe tells her this guy has great timing and has waited until he's convinced "that there's no other man that [she] could possibly love" and proceeds to tell her that if he wasn't who he was or she wasn't who she was (basically if they had different careers that didn't conflict with each other's), then he would have asked her for her number and took her on a date. He also wants to know, "How can you forgive this guy for standing you up, and not forgive me for putting you out of business." Yeah, I might be annoyed if someone stood me up, but if it was someone I had never met before, I probably wouldn't be as annoyed if it was someone I had an established relationship. I think someone taking your business and your means of making a living is way worse than some rand-o standing you up. She doesn't even answer him; just tells him she has to go. 

During this scene, I thought the movie might go in a different direction. I thought she and Joe might have a long, serious talk and Joe would confess his feelings for her and she would decide he was the one for her and just stop communicating with NY152 altogether. At this point, it seems like too much time has gone by for Joe to reveal he is really her pen pal without her getting ticked off. I don't know what you would do in a situation like this. If you started a relationship with a person who didn't know you were the one they were talking to online, would you tell them or just let it slide? However, this movie knows that their audience wants Kathleen to find out who NY152 is so it's not surprising it ends the way it does. 

NY152 (btw, super weird that you would be meeting someone in real life you met online and not even know their name; I get it's for plot points, but this makes no sense) told Kathleen he would be with his dog, Brinkley. Joe has never told Kathleen he has a dog. Very clever, movie. When Kathleen goes to the park to meet him, she hears a dog barking and hears someone yelling, "Brinkley!" That's when she sees Joe. She is surprised at first, then just smiles and laughs, shaking her head, like, "Oh, you." I'll tell you one thing. I would not have this reaction. I don't think anyone would realistically have this reaction. I think most people would be a little irked that he was basically jerking her chain this entire time. She tells him, "I wanted it to be you." Okay, she had to know it was him, right? Does she know how astronomical the odds are that NY152 and Joe would be the same person? They kiss and Brinkley jumps up on Joe which made me laugh. 

And they lived happily ever after. Until Fox Books went under because of Amazon. Yeah, this movie infuriated me how Joe was pretty much messing with Kathleen the last third of the movie and she seems to be okay with it when it's revealed he's NY152. Also, the weird subplot with his soon-to-be stepmother didn't need to be in there at all. 

So I found this wild fact when I was cruising through the movie's IMDb page. I don't know if any of it is 100% accurate because I know nothing about computers from 1997, let alone how much they would cost, but this blew my mind:

Joe is using an IMB Thinkpad 770 series, which had a retail price of $6,900 in 1997 dollars. Kathleen is using an Apple PowerBook G3 250, which had a list price of $5,700 in 1997 dollars.

Good lord! I can't imagine paying $6-7 thousand dollars for a laptop in any year's money! Apparently, $7,000 in 1997 is equivalent to nearly $13,000 in today's money. WTF? That seems insane! Is that even right? Basically I got my iMac, my MacBook, and my phone all for less than what Joe paid for his stupid clunky-ass laptop in 1997! Good thing he's a multi-millionaire!! 

More Than Friends

When Harry Met Sally

Director: Rob Reiner

Cast: Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan, Carrie Fisher, Bruno Kirby

Released: July 21, 1989

Oscar nominations:

Best Original Screenplay - Nora Ephron (lost to Tom Schulman for Dead Poet's Society) 

This is a movie I've always known about but have never seen until now. I didn't love it as much as I expected to, but I also didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. Yep, I know I totally contradicted myself! I thought there were charming parts of the movie, but there were also parts that just made me internally groan. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan as the titular Harry and Sally are very good together and have a good chemistry. The very first scene is when they meet; how perfect! It is 1977 and we're at the University of Chicago where Harry and Sally are graduating and off to New York for a new life. We don't really get too much other than Sally is friends with Amanda, who is Harry's girlfriend. Apparently Amanda found out that both her friend and boyfriend are going to New York so she suggested they car pool together. I don't know. I'm just speculating. I have no idea how they both ended up driving together to New York. All I know is I would never drive halfway across the country with anyone I was just meeting for the first time; I don't care if we have a mutual friend. Eff that! I do find it weird that Sally has never met her friend's boyfriend before. Why is this the first time they're meeting? (I know, I know, it's for the plot of the movie). They never tell us how close Sally and Amanda are (not very, apparently). Are they best friends? Did they have a couple classes together and just know each other that way? My guess is the latter is more on the right track. Still, it's just weird that Sally would agree to drive 788 miles (I Googled the distance) with a guy she's just met. 

The way they style Billy Crystal (who was 40) and Meg Ryan (who was 27; I didn't realize there was such a big age gap between the actors!) to look like college students in their early twenties is hilarious. They give Billy Crystal a hairpiece to hide his receding hairline and they dress him in a hoodie and jeans. At least he's wearing something that a young college person would wear; what they give Meg Ryan to wear is super bizarre even though she can pull off a young twenty-something much better since she is much closer to the actual age. She is wearing khaki shorts, knee high socks, and a blue cardigan over a yellow collared shirt. No college girl would ever wear this. What is this? Was this some kind of trend in the mid '70s? Or are they just trying to tell us she's an academic by the way she dresses? 

Once they get started on their road trip, we immediately see how different they are. Sally is very structured and tells him she thinks they should take turns driving in three hour shifts. Meanwhile, he's not paying attention to her and rifling through the backseat for his grapes (this happens seconds after they start driving, so why didn't he just keep the grapes with him in the first place?), pops one in his mouth, then spits out the seeds which splat onto the car window. I guess he thought it was rolled down? Who spits out grape seeds? Is this a thing? Also, he just sheepishly rolls down the window (without cleaning the nasty grape spit!) and continues to eat the grapes and spit the seeds out of the open window. If I had been driving that car, I would slam on my break so fast and tell him to "get the f*ck outta my car!" That would drive me bat-sh*t crazy! They've only known each other for less than two minutes and already I would want to murder him. 

He asks her why she's going to New York an she replies she's going to journalism school to become a reporter (and even though later we do learn that she did become a reporter for a newspaper (or maybe it was a TV program; I'm not really sure...or perhaps it was a magazine) called The News, nothing else about her career is ever mentioned in the movie). He replies with, "So you can write things that happen to other people" and says it like it's a bad thing. What does he care if she wants to become a journalist and what's so bad about that? He then proceeds to tell her (and keep in mind they've probably only known each other for an hour when he says this), "Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you live there your whole life and nothing happens, you never meet anybody, you never become anything and finally you die one of those New York deaths." Wha-what? 

Sally comments that Amanda told her he had a "dark side" and he agrees, telling her he reads the last page of whatever book he's reading just in case he dies before he's done reading it. I don't know; I don't think that means you have a dark side. I think it just means if the book is worth continuing to read! They get into this (one-sided) stupid competition about who thinks about death the most. He tells her he "spends hours, days thinking about it and that for her, it's probably just a "fleeting thought that drifts in and out of the transom of [her] mind." 

So at this point, I'm fine with Sally and I feel sorry for her having to deal with Harry (at one point he accuses her of never having "great sex" and I firmly believe Sally would be justified in smacking the sh*t out of him), but then they stop at a diner for dinner and this is what she orders: 

"I'd like the chef's salad, please, with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie a la mode. But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on the top, I want it on the side. And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream just whipped cream, but only if it's real, if it's out of a can, then nothing."

Oh my God. I can't even. If I was the waitress, I would have told Sally to f*ck off. Let's dissect her order, shall we? I have no problem with her asking for the oil and vinegar on the side for her salad. That is very reasonable. It's the dessert order that is insane and over the top. Having the pie heated doesn't seem like an odd request; in fact, don't most places heat up pie? I don't know; I guess I haven't ordered pie that much to really know. But ordering strawberry ice cream instead of vanilla? What kind of monster is eating apple pie with strawberry ice cream? That is some whack thinking right there. If I were the waitress, I would tell her we don't have strawberry ice cream and I would have told her you can have vanilla ice cream of whipped cream or just plain. None of this fancy special stuff. If you want this so bad, go buy an apple pie at the store with strawberry ice cream. Ugh, I hate people who order like this...it's like just order what's on the menu and shut the f*ck up. Apparently this is how Nora Ephron ordered so she wrote from experience. I'll tell you what, I feel sorry for all the people who have ever had to take her order at restaurants! Yeah, the whole thing just comes off very privileged. 

While Sally is figuring out the tip, Harry stares at her and tells her, "You're a very attractive person" and how Amanda never said how attractive she was. (Why would she? What does that have to do with anything?) Sally thinks he is coming on to her (which I don't think is unreasonable for her to think) and reminds him that Amanda is her friend and he's dating Amanda. Harry claims he wasn't coming on to her and asks, "Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come on?" Oh, boy, this guy is gonna find himself in a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits! I can just see him using that line to get out of them, too. He tells her he takes back the comment, but she says he can't do that "because it's already out there" and to "just let it lie." He asks her if she wants to spend the night at a motel (he is half-joking), then makes a joke about how he didn't "let it lie." She firmly tells him, "We are just going to be friends, okay?" The way Harry is acting, I almost forgive Sally for her obnoxious ordering. Almost. 

Harry tells her that they can never be friends. He has a theory that men and women can't be friends "because the sex part always gets in the way." Sally tells him she has "a number of men friends and there is no sex involved." He tells her, without ever having met any of these male friends of hers, that they all want to have sex with her and that "no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive" because he just wants to have sex with her. Sally replies, "So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive." Harry replies that they "pretty much wanna nail them, too" which made me laugh but also made me wonder if they threw that line in so they wouldn't offend any "non-attractive" women watching this. I don't know; just a theory. 

She drops him off at Washington Square Park and they say good-bye with a handshake and tell each other to have a nice life. This is such a weird place to drop someone off. Harry walks toward the park with his bags like he's going to camp out there. Doesn't he have an apartment he's staying at that she could have dropped him off in front of? 

This version of Harry is the worst Harry we see and it's pretty clear why Sally doesn't like him. Honestly, I'm surprised she even offered to be friends with him, although maybe she's just saying that and doesn't really mean it, not knowing she will later run into him in a few years. 

And that time comes five years later when we see Sally at an airport, kissing her boyfriend, Joe. Fun fact: Joe is played by Steven Ford who is the son of Gerald Ford. At first I was like, if they're going to cast an ex-POTUS's son as the love interest for Sally, why not JFK Jr? But then I looked up Steven Ford and apparently he is an actor (or was; he hasn't been in anything since 2007) and has had bit parts in a handful of movies (some I've even heard of!) 

As they're kissing, Harry walks past, sees them, and backtracks his steps. It turns out he knows Joe as they used to live in the same building (I feel like the chances of that are very astronomical). I really thought it was Sally that he had recognized, but it's Joe who he says hello to. It's also super weird that he's waiting patiently for this couple to stop making out before he says anything. I don't know what is more weird: a couple making out in the middle of a very public place (a quick kiss is fine, but full on making out in the airport? C'mon, people.) or someone waiting for a couple to stop making out. As soon as Joe says his name (he says something like, "Hey, Harry Burns, how are you doing?" which is really weird because who ever calls someone by their first and last name like that?), she immediately knows who he is and is trying to avoid eye contact. 

So I'm a little confused as to whether Harry had recognized Sally or not. When Joe introduces him to Sally, he seems to recognize her name, but doesn't say anything about knowing her. But then, as soon as Harry leaves to catch his plane, Sally says to Joe, "Thank God he couldn't place me. I drove from college to New York with him five years ago and it was the longest night of my life." This is such a weird line to have in the movie. As an audience, we know this because it just happened minutes ago in the movie! I guess it's for the benefit for Joe to ask what happened and for her to tell him Harry made a pass at her...I don't know. Or maybe it's a reason for Joe to tell Sally that he loves her, seemingly for the first time. (They've only been together for a month). Also, the airport is a weird place to say that for the first time. 

So guess who else is on the plane that Harry boarded? That's right, it's Sally and she's sitting in the row right in front of Harry. Here's her eye-rolling drink order:

"Here's what I want. Regular tomato juice. Fill it up about three quarters then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix, just a splash and a little piece of lime, but on the side."

Arrgh. Does she not realize there are probably over 100 people on this flight that also want drinks? Just order a simple drink and stop being so extra extra. The movie implies that this is when Harry recognizes Sally (because of her obnoxious ordering) because he leans over and asks if they knew each other at the University of Chicago. Now, I could have sworn he recognized her when Joe introduced him to her, but maybe he just thought he recognized her name and this is when he definitely remembers her, who knows. But he must not have remembered her that well because he asks her if they ever slept together (without actually saying it, but he implies it). You think he would remember sleeping with an attractive woman like Sally if he did. How can he not remember making the big spiel about men and women not being able to be friends because sex gets in the way...surely he remembers that he did not sleep with her! 

The guy sitting next to Sally offers to switch places with Harry so the two of them can catch up. This is when we learn that Sally has become a journalist and this is pretty much the only scene in the movie that mentions her job. (I must admit I did laugh when he says to her, "You were gonna be a gymnast" (LOL, what?) and she replies, "A journalist.", and he says, "Right. That's what I said."). In fairness, this is also the only scene we really learn about Harry's job; he works with a small firm that does political consulting. (Yawn!)  

Harry asks about Joe and wants to know if they're getting married (kinda presumptuous to assume just because somebody is a couple they're going to get married), but she tells him they've only known each other for a month and neither are looking to get married at the moment. To her surprise, Harry tells her he's getting married. She tells him it's optimistic of him and he replies, "You get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole-life-as-a-single-guy thing." (And by the way, he's not getting married to Amanda, his college girlfriend; it turns out neither of them still keep in touch with her). 

When they land (not even sure where they are), Harry asks her to have dinner with him, just as friends. When she says she thought men and women can't be friends, he tells her, "They can't be friends unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can." (It feels like he's just making up the rules as the movie goes along). Sally tells him goodbye and they don't have dinner. 

Another five years goes by and now it's 1987 so we're very close to the movie's "present day" 1989. Sally is having lunch with two of her girlfriends, Marie (Carrie Fisher) and someone else whose name I don't remember because she's really not that important. Marie has been seeing a married man for two years and lamenting about how he's never going to leave his wife. Nonchalantly, Sally tells them that she and Joe broke up three days ago. Her friends are shocked since they were together for five years and seemed to have this perfect relationship. Marie's kind of a terrible friend because she asks, "Joe's available?" like she's ready to pounce. Both of her friends can't believe she waited three days to tell them about this, but Sally tells them she's not upset about it; that they've "been growing apart for quite awhile." Marie takes that as a sign that she's "ready" and proceeds to pull out a ROLODEX (I am not joking) that has the names and numbers of single men she knows. I understand this is 1989 and smart phones are not a thing yet, but they had those little black books where people wrote down numbers and addresses. A small leather book seems way more plausible for a woman to carry around in her purse than a clunky freakin' rolodex! Sally tells her even though she's over Joe, she's not ready to date yet. (Yeah, it's only been three days; give the woman some room to breathe!) Marie tells her not to wait too long or the man she's meant to be with could be scooped up by another woman. 

We transition over to Harry who's at a baseball game with his friend, Jess (Bruno Kirby) and telling him that his wife recently left him and he found out she's in love with someone else and she moved in with that guy. A few days later, Sally and Marie are in a bookshop where Harry also happens to be and Marie notices that he keeps glancing at Sally and tells her some guy is checking her out. Sally recognizes him instantly and tells Marie he's obnoxious and that he probably doesn't even remember her anyway and that's when he comes over and says her name so he obviously does remember her. This scene is basically here to have them reunite and for Harry to find out that Sally broke up with Joe and for Sally to find out that Harry's getting a divorce.

They go out to dinner (as friends, of course) and Sally tells him when she and Joe first started dating, they wanted the same thing: to live together, but not get married because "every time anyone [they] knew got married, it ruined the relationship." But that's not true, it seems the real culprit was that having children is what seemed to ruin their friends' relationships. She talks about how they all have kids and can never have sex because they're too exhausted to have it. Okay, two things:

1. You don't need to be married to have kids and you don't have to have kids if you're married. The two do not go hand in hand.

2. It seems like sex is the number one priority for Sally in a relationship. Like, if you don't want to have kids, that's fine, but not wanting them because you'll never be able to have sex seems odds. 

Sally realized that even though they don't have kids, they aren't very spontaneous when they could be. They have the luxury to be able to go anywhere they want without worrying about kids. She then realized she DID want to get married and have kids and when she had a talk with him about it, he said he didn't want those things, so they decided it was over. She tells him she's fine about the decision and that she's over him, a statement she will keep reiterating throughout the movie.

Around this time, Harry and Sally become friends (and they're both single!) We hear a phone conversation between the two of them while we see a montage of them doing things by themselves or having dinner together. Harry talks about how he misses his ex and Sally says she doesn't miss hers at all (see, again, we get another example of this...makes me wonder if this is going to be a big factor later on in there movie...hmmm!). 

They're both in their own beds, on the phone with each other as they're watching the end of Casablanca and Harry comments how Ingrid Bergman is "low maintenance" and goes on to say, "There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance." It's a very generalized, sexist statement, but in a way, he is right. He's just treading in some dangerous territory with it, especially when Sally asks which kind she is. Because she is his friend, he replies with the truth (I don't think he tells her this if they are dating!): "You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance." Ha! He is so right. Of course, Sally disagrees. He mocks her ordering habits and says "on the side" is a very big thing. Personally, I don't have a problem with Sally ordering things "on the side"; it's just the minute stupid nitpick-y details of her ordering that really grates on me. Her very privileged response is, "Well, I just want it the way I want it." Ugh, shut up. Or go to Burger King and "have it your way." (Is that even still their slogan?) They continue to watch the movie and Harry remarks that, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" as the best last line of a movie. 

Later, Harry asks her to go to the movies, but she tells him she has a date. She didn't want to tell him about it because she "felt strange about it" since they've "been spending so much time together" (this makes no sense) and tells him that he should "get out there too", but he claims he's not ready. 

However, it turns out he did go on a date because in the next scene we see Harry and Sally together, they are telling each other about their first dates after splitting with their exes. They are in Sally's ridiculously huge apartment unrolling a Persian rug that is the size of an Olympic swimming pool (seriously, how does she afford this on a journalist's salary, especially when she's never at work??) and she tells him that after she and her date finished dinner, the guy reached over, pulled a hair out of her head and began flossing!? What the actual f*ck? That seems like something a serial killer would do. This scenario seems a little far-fetched; I feel like they could have come up with something a little more realistic, but still make the guy look like a loser, like maybe he conveniently left his wallet at home and made Sally pay or even have him pay and maybe have him leave a terrible tip. 

Harry says he had a "massive anxiety attack" because he found out his date went to Michigan State and it reminded him of him ex, even though she went to Northwestern and justifies it by saying, "They're both Big Ten schools." His anxiety attack must not have been as big a deal as he thought, because he admits to Sally that he slept with his date. I can't imagine any woman sleeping with someone on the first date if her date is freaking out over something stupid like where they went to school. I did wonder if he was lying to Sally but we never get any confirmation about it. 

Then we get the famous scene in the deli that everyone knows even if they've never seen the movie. In a scene previous to this, Harry was telling Jess how he can talk to Sally about the women he's dating and get a female perspective on things. At the deli with Sally, she tells him, "most women at one time or another have faked it" and he is very sure that's never happened with him. Sally asks, "How do you know?" and he replies, "Because I know" which isn't answering her question at all. That's when she fakes an orgasm right there at the booth in the middle of the deli with a bunch of people just staring at her like she's crazy. I do have a hard time believing somebody like Sally, who is more on the conservative side, would do that in a very public place, but at the same time, she loves to prove Harry wrong and has a smug look on her face when Harry realizes how easy it is for a woman to fake one. Then, of course, we have the line of the movie, delivered by Rob Reiner's mom as one of the customers in the deli, "I'll have what she's having." 

It's soon New Year's Eve and since neither of them have date, they attend a party together as friends. We see a little spark as they're dancing (as each one faces the camera, we see a look of forlorn longing on their faces). When the countdown begins, they go outside to get some fresh air and they watch as all the couples are kissing each other and they just look at each other, then give a peck on the lips and hug each other. It's a nice, friendly moment. They both agree that if they're both single at this time next year, they'll be each other's date for whatever New Year's party they'll attend. Well, a lot can certainly happen in one year! 

Sally wants to set up her best girl friend, Marie (remember her? She's the one seeing a married man) with her best guy friend, Harry. Likewise, Harry wants to set up Sally with his friend, Jess. I can sort of understand why Sally wants to set up her two friends: Marie did see Harry in the bookstore that one day (and was briefly introduced to him) and did admit to Sally she thought he was cute, plus Sally wants her to stop seeing a married man, especially one that's never going to leave his wife. The Sally and Jess pairing doesn't make any sense and seems to be done because they're both single. 

The four of them all go out on a double date which seems like a terrible idea. Who goes out on a double date for their first date? I don't know, maybe that's more common than I think. The only reason they go on a double date is to serve the plot of the movie. 

They're eating dinner at a restaurant and the couples are sitting next to each other, talking to each other. You can tell it's not going well for either of them as they have nothing in common. Everyone looks bored and annoyed to be there. Sally tells Marie and Harry that they're both from New Jersey and they're interested in that fact for two seconds, and then it doesn't go anywhere. 

Right before they order, Jess says, "I think restaurants have become too important" (what does that even mean?) and Marie agrees and says she read a line she loved in a magazine, "Restaurants are to people in the '80s what theater was to people in the '60s." This is the most pretentious thing I've ever heard (okay, not really, but pretty close). Jess (who is a writer) tells her he wrote that line in New York Magazine and there's an instant connection between him and Marie. Harry sees this and interjects that Sally also wrote for them. (I suppose that's one reason why Harry thought Sally and Jess would connect; they're both writers). I laughed when Jess looks at Sally for one second, then turns back to Marie and they continue their conversation. 

After dinner, as they're walking home, Marie takes Sally aside and asks her if she had any intentions of going out with Jess and tells her she likes him. Meanwhile, Jess is having the same conversation with Harry about Marie. In the end, Jess and Marie take a cab home together. I kind of love that they end up getting together and threw a wrench in Harry and Sally's plans. 

It goes so well for Jess and Marie that they get engaged four months later (that seems awfully quick!). Harry and Sally are at Sharper Image trying to find a wedding gift. Okay, seriously, who the hell registers at freakin' Sharper Image? Crate and Barrel? Sure. Williams-Sonoma? Of course. Pottery Barn? Your basic wedding registry store. Look, I understand this is the '80s when Sharper Image was a big thing and they do have a lot of fun things, but nothing you really need. I remember going into their stores at the mall when I was a kid and loving it. But, really, they just sell a bunch of crap. You're lucky if you get a year's use out of their products. A few years back I ordered a clock radio with different ambient noises (I need some kind of background noise when I'm sleeping...ironically, dead silence keeps me awake!) and that thing lasted a year before it went to sh*t. Now I have an Alexa that serves the purpose of an alarm clock and plays any ambient noise I wish (I'm pretty boring though, I usually just go for white noise). Anyway, while they're there, they run into Harry's ex-wife, Helen (this is the first time we see her) and her new beau. After they exchange some awkward polite banter,  Harry says to Sally, "She looked really weird, didn't she?" and Sally replies, "I've never seen her before." That exchange made me chuckle. Like Sally, I had never seen her before either, but I have to agree with Harry. She has A LOT of hair. That's the only thing I could think of when I saw her: just SO MUCH hair.

When Harry and Sally are over at Jess and Marie's new place, Harry is still reeling from seeing his ex. He tells them right now everything is great and everyone's in love, but "sooner or later they're gonna be screaming at each other" over who's gonna get what in their inevitable divorce. Yikes! He storms outside and Sally follows him and tells him, "You're gonna have to try to find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have every moment that you have them. There are times and places for things." Heh, I can't believe this came from a woman who faked an orgasm in a public place. 

Harry is annoyed that she is giving him advice because nothing bothers her and she never gets upset about anything. He gives the example of her never getting upset over Joe (you know, if you made a drinking game out of this movie, you could drink every time it's pointed out how Sally is "fine" with her breakup with Joe). They get into a spat, but then Harry apologizes and they hug and they're friends again. 

Some time goes by and both Harry and Sally are dating (different people, not each other). They have both brought their dates to Jess and Marie's place to play Pictionary. We see Sally and her date kiss as Harry looks at them sadly; we see Harry and his date kiss as Sally looks at them sadly. It's almost like the movie is trying to tell us something! Both Harry and Sally gossip about each other's dates to their same-sex friends. Harry asks Jess if he thinks Sally's date seems "a little stuffy" to him and Sally comments to Marie that she thinks Harry's date is a "little young" for him. While talking with Jess, Harry admits that she is young. He tells him he asked her where she was when Kennedy got shot and she thought he meant Ted Kennedy. I did some quick arithmetic in my head and Harry would have been around seven when JFK was assassinated. I suppose a seven-year-old could be old enough to remember a national tragedy like that. Though it is weird for him to ask her that since if she is younger (not sure how much younger), then she probably wasn't born yet. That would be like me asking a teenager where they were when 9/11 happened. 

Okay, remember how Sally keeps reiterating to Harry how she's fine with having broke up with Joe and she's over him and all that? Well, all that has been building up for the scene we get when Harry gets a call in the evening from a very upset Sally. She tells him that Joe is getting married and asks Harry if he can come over, which he does. She tells him that Joe had called her earlier that day and asked her how she was, then told her he was getting married to a paralegal who works in his office. She tells Harry, "All this time I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married, but the truth is he didn't wanna marry me." I do feel for Sally in this moment because that has to be painful that your ex tells you he doesn't want to get married, but ends up engaged to somebody else (even those Joe seemed very bland and boring, so she was most definitely better off without him!) 

She starts named her negative qualities, almost to justify why Joe wouldn't want to marry her, but Harry spins them in a positive way. When she says, "I'm difficult", Harry tells her, "You're challenging." When she says, "I'm too structured and I'm completely closed off", Harry adds, "But in a good way." Then she starts crying (again) and exclaims she's gonna be forty "someday". As Harry tells her, she still has eight years to go. Eh, I'm not a big fan of movies that implicate if you're a woman and not married by a certain age, your life is pretty much worthless and you should just kill yourself, but only if you're a woman! It seems like Harry got married because it was just convenient for him and nothing to do with the fact that society would shame him if he didn't get married by a certain time. 

Harry comforts Sally by hugging her and that turns into them making out which turns into them sleeping together. After the act, their reactions are opposite of what you would expect. Sally is happy and smiling while Harry looks like he's just made a huge mistake. Sally gets up to get some water and when she returns, she cuddles close to him and asks with a smile, "Do you wanna go to sleep?" Clearly she is ready for another round. Harry says, "Okay" and a hurt Sally slides over to her side of the bed. To be fair to Harry, I think he knows that Sally is vulnerable and this is not the best time for her to have sex after hearing her ex is with someone else. He probably thinks he is a coping mechanism for her to get over Joe. 

The next morning, Sally wakes up to see Harry getting dressed and asks where he's going. He tells her he needs to go to work (she couldn't figure that out?), but wants to take her out to dinner later if she's free and then he goes.

The next scene is a great scene of our four main characters having a phone conversation all at the same time. Marie and Jess, both sleeping in their bed, are woken up by their ringing phones. Yes, phones. They each have a phone on their bedside table (and remember, this is the late '80s so it's those huge honking' phones with a cord and receiver; they're not using cell phones!) so that means they both have their own phone line. Um, please tell me, why do you need TWO phones in the bedroom? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Now if one of them had a phone in a study with their own private line for work (I have no idea what Marie does), then yes, I could get behind that. Yeah, yeah, I know this is done solely for the scene, but this would have made so much more sense in a more modern version where both couples had cell phones laying on their bedside table. 

So Marie's phone rings first and it's Sally, then seconds later, Jess's phone rings and it's Harry. (Both phones sound alike when they ring, so how do they even tell which phone it is?) Sally is calling from her bed and Harry is calling from a payphone. They both tell their friends about what happened and Jess and Marie think it's great until their friends tell them after it was over, they felt awkward and embarrassed. Marie gives Sally some good advice: "You should never go to bed with anyone when you find out your last boyfriend is getting married." 

Both Sally and Harry, who can hear their friends' significant others, also talking, ask if they're also on the phone, but they just reply it's the TV. At the same time, Jess and Marie asks their friends, "Do you wanna come over for breakfast?", then look at each other with uh-oh faces when they realize they said the same thing, but luckily both Harry and Sally decline their friends' invitations. 

When Harry takes Sally out to dinner that night, we get a voiceover from him telling us he hopes Sally realizes last night was a mistake, but he wants her to say it first and we get a voiceover from Sally telling us she hopes she gets to say it first. She does and Harry replies, "I am so relieved that you think so too." 

We see Sally with Marie at her fitting for a wedding dress. This dress is so ugly. It has a weird bodice that's a different shade of white than the rest of the dress. I always feel like when a movie features a wedding dress, nine times out of ten, I hate the dang thing! Probably the best wedding dress I've seen in a movie is the one from Crazy Rich Asians. Sally tells Marie she looks beautiful and she seems sincere. I would be a terrible person to take wedding dress shopping. Not that I would tell someone I hated their dress (even if I did) because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings if they did like the dress. But if they said they didn't like it first, then I would definitely agree with them! Sally asks her if Harry's bringing anyone to the wedding or if he's seeing anyone, but he's not. 

At the wedding, Sally and Harry, as the Maid of Honor and Best Man, appear to be the only people in the wedding party. Meg Ryan's curls are perfection in this scene. Here's a controversial opinion (IDK, maybe it's not as controversial as I might think): not a big fan of when Meg got her pixie cut. Will probably discuss this more in an upcoming review, *hint hint*. Sally and Harry are looking at each other while the vows are being read. 

During the wedding party, they get into an argument about what happened three weeks ago. She accuses him of acting like what happened didn't mean anything. He asks her, "Why does it have to mean everything?" He says they both agreed it was a mistake and tells her, "I did not go over there that night to make love to you. That is not why I went there." He says that she was asking him to hold her longer and what was he supposed to do? Sally takes this as he was taking pity on her. They are in the kitchen where all the food is being prepared as they're having their argument. I notice this is a troupe used many times in movies...characters finding their way into a kitchen while food is being prepared. There's no way the head chef or anyone working back there would allow two random people to come in and start arguing...they would tell them to get out of there. But we need our two main characters to be out of the area where the reception is because they need to enter it again as Jess and Marie are holding up their champagne glasses, ready to make a toast. Jess says, "I'd like to propose a toast to Harry and Sally. If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive, we would not be here today." While this is funny, I don't think it's true. Marie did tell Sally she thought Harry was cute when she first spots him in the bookshop (and thought he was checking out Sally) and it seems that Jess and Sally didn't have anything in common, I never got the impression that he wasn't attracted to her.

This was one of the rare late fall weddings because we see a Christmas montage of Sally carrying a Christmas tree home and Harry keeps calling her, trying to speak and apologize to her, but she won't answer the phone and just screens her calls. Finally, she does answer and he says he's sorry and asks her what she's doing for New Year's and if she's going to Tyler's party (who the heck is Tyler?). He tells her he doesn't have a date and reminds her about the deal they made last year that they would be each other's date if they were both still single, but Sally shuts him down and basically says she's not going with him. 

While Sally is at the New Year's party (I guess this is Tyler's party...seriously, who is Tyler and when did we meet him during the movie?) with some random guy (probably set up by Jess and Marie who are also at the party), she pretty much tells Marie that she doesn't want to be there. While this is going on, we see Harry walking outside, just moping around. He is obviously sad that he has lost Sally as a friend and something potentially more. But then he seems to get an epiphany and starts running toward the building where the New Year's party is being held. This is just like many movies where one half of a romantic couple will run to the airport to find their other half to proclaim their love. 

When Sally, wearing her strapless party dress, is about to leave, Harry comes in, wearing his street clothes. He tells her he's been doing a lot of thinking and that he loves her and tells her what he loves about her: "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts." (Of course the camera cuts to Sally with said crinkle above her nose as he's talking). "I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night. I came here tonight because when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with somebody you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Aww, that's sweet. You know he came up with that speech as he was moping around previously. Or maybe he just came up with it on the fly; that would be very impressive. I liked the examples he gave for reasons he loves her. They were really cute and funny, although too bad we never get an example of her being cold when it's seventy degrees. By the way, is Sally from Florida or something? Only people from warm weather places get "cold" when it's seventy degrees. That is hilarious. For me, it has to be in the lower 50s when I truly get cold (and even lower than that for me to be freezing). I am one of those people who would much rather be cold than hot because it's so much easier to get warmed up by putting on a sweater, but when you're sweating and dying from the heat, it's not fun. I attribute this to my Norwegian heritage, my people are used to the cold, heh. Plus I like winter clothes better than summer clothes. Of course, I absolutely hate snow...I mean, it's fine as long as I don't have to drive in it. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I just thought it was funny that Sally gets cold when it's seventy degrees! 

Sally replies, "That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you! And I hate you, Harry." Of course, she doesn't really hate Harry. It's more like he drives her crazy at times. By this time the countdown has started and when they kiss as a new couple, they are ringing in the New Year. 

So throughout the movie, short clips of senior citizen couples talking about how they met have been peppered in. At first, I thought they were real couples telling their stories, but then thought they were way too polished. I found out while the "couples" were actors, they were taken from real stories of how elderly couples met when they were younger. The movie ends with a confessional from Harry and Sally. It's months later and we find out they've gotten married. Harry says the first time they met, they hated each other, but Sally corrects him and says she hated him (ha!) The second time they met, Sally says Harry didn't remember her, but Harry says he didn't forget (I'm with him...I think he knew it was her the entire time). And the third time they reconnected, they became friends and were friends for a long time until they weren't and fell in love and got married. 

The last line of the movie calls back to Harry making fun of her for "on the side" being a thing for her because she's describing the wedding cake they had and says they served the rich chocolate sauce "on the side." That was funny; that made me laugh. 

I do have to wonder if it would have been better if Harry and Sally had just remained friends. After all, it's proving Harry's stance about men and women not being able to be friends because sex gets in the way. Or romance. Or both. But I guess since the entire movie is about both of them, the audience is (probably) rooting for them to get together so I get why they did it. 

It's a Stiff!

Weekend at Bernie's

Director: Ted Kotcheff

Cast: Jonathan Silverman, Andrew McCarthy, Terry Kiser

Released: July 5, 1989

Whenever I think of this movie, I think of it as Rachel Green's favorite movie. Remember that episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel are competing against Joey and Chandler where they have to answer a bunch of trivia questions about each other and if Joey and Chandler win (spoiler, they do) they get to switch apartments with the girls and if the girls win, they get....something. It doesn't matter since they lost. Anyway, Ross is asking all the questions and one of them is something along the lines of, "According to Rachel, what is her favorite movie?" They get the answer right, which is Dangerous Liaisons. Then there's a follow-up question where Ross ask, "What is Rachel's actual favorite movie" and Joey quickly replies, "Weekend at Bernie's", which is also correct. That's hilarious. I can see Rachel covering that up by pretending her favorite movie is a little more cultured.

Anyway, can you believe I've never seen this movie until now? Yep, it has always eluded me. But when I saw it was on Amazon Prime, I decided to finally check it out. Of course, I knew the basic premise: there's a dead guy two guys are passing off as being alive. I honestly don't know how all these people can be so stupid and think this man is alive...but, hey, we'll just have to suspend our disbelief with this one. 

Jonathan Silverman (remember him on The Single Guy? That show that was on between Friends and Seinfeld until it got replaced by another show that would eventually get replaced by another show because people only cared about Friends and Seinfeld and not the "filler" shows that were between them) and Andrew McCarthy are Richard and Larry, two twenty-somethings working in corporate NYC. Richard is the more serious of the two, who wants to make sure the work gets done and do the right thing and Larry just wants to party.

Labor Day weekend is right around the corner and it is established that there's a major heat wave. As the weatherman on the radio says, "The Big Apple becomes the Baked Apple" and the weather will be "hot, humid, hazy, and horrible." Yeah, that does sound horrible! I would much rather be cold than hot because it's easier to warm up by throwing on a jacket or sweater. When you're boiling hot, it's very hard to cool down. Now, I'm not talking about negative degrees; I don't like being THAT cold...I just don't mind a chilly, rainy day. I would much rather have that than temps in the high 90s and above. No, thank you! 

So Richard and Larry go into the insurance corporation office where they work. As soon as they get there, Larry (remember, he's the fun one) wants to go to the beach, but Richard (remember, he's the serious one) tells him no. They end up "compromising" and go to the rooftop of Larry's (I'm guessing it was his) apartment building where they have set up a kiddie pool. Even as a small child, I remember kiddie pools being lame. They have printed out pages of boring insurance numbers from the office and have brought those with them. These papers have those perforated edges that you tear off on each side of the paper...haha, remember those kinds of printers? That's how old this movie is. It's so hot that the tar on the rooftop is melting and Larry gets his shoes stuck in them as he stands up to sit in the kiddie pool. 

While Larry is in the kiddie pool bitching about how hot it is and how much he hates his life, Richard is looking at the papers and gets excited, saying he's "got the $2 million." He tells Larry which page and line to look at, but Larry does't see what Richard sees. As he's flipping through the pages, the tar is just getting everywhere on the papers so they have this sticky black substance on them. 

Since Larry has no idea what Richard is seeing, Richard has to explain to him (and us) that on one life insurance policy claim, there was more than one check issued. There were four, in fact: one in December of '87, one in April '88, and two more in June. According to their records, this particular person died four times. Larry says, "Somebody screwed up. It wasn't us, was it?" Richard assures him that it was not them. He tells them they're actually the heroes because they just "uncovered a $2 million error" and that they're "going up the corporate ladder." 

Larry realizes that this is a good thing and says he'll tell their boss first thing in the morning, but Richard wants to tell him. Finally, they agree that they'll both tell him first thing in the morning and they give each other a high five and I thought for sure their hands were going to get stuck since Larry had tar all over his hands, but that doesn't happen. (We have death and mayhem to get to!) 

So this movie has a romantic subplot which I don't know if it really needed. I guess a few funny moments come from it, but it really wasn't necessary to the plot. Richard has a crush on a girl named Gwen, who's worked in his office as a summer intern and will be gone in a week before she goes back to school. (BTW, I looked up the actress, Catherine Mary Stewart, and she was almost 30 when she filmed this...but to give her credit, she does look young, but not quite college young!) When Richard and Larry go into their building the next morning, they see Gwen in front of them (with a bunch of other people) and Larry is (loudly) telling Richard he should ask her out and even though there are other people around, I'm pretty sure she can hear them. After much badgering from Larry, Richard finally decides to talk to her and he stops by her desk to say, "My aunt is very sick" and she just looks very confused. He just runs off after that. Hey, at least he finally said something to her! 

Larry and Richard go to their boss's office, the titular Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser), to tell them about what they've found, but he's not interested in hearing what they have to say at the moment because it's too early and he tells them to come back "after lunch, quite a bit after lunch." When they do come back after lunch, on their way up to their boss's office, they run into Gwen and she tells Richard that she hopes his aunt feels better. This gives Richard the opportunity to talk to her and later we learn that he scored a date with her. Since we never see this conversation on screen, we never do learn if he told Gwen that he doesn't have a sick aunt, but I'm guessing he didn't.

When Mr. Lomax's secretary calls them in to to talk to their boss, Richard tells him they have been "reprogramming the accounts on the new computer system" and they found something he should know about. After they tell him about what they found, he asks them if they are sure these figures are accurate and they reply with, "Yes, sir" and "Yes, Mr. Lomax."  Their boss tells them to call him Bernie since his father is Mr. Lomax and we get a funny scene where Larry takes it too far when he calls him just "Bern" and his boss says, "E. Bern-ie." Haha!  

There's another small funny moment when they got out the printed pages and Bernie makes a face at the melted tar that is just smeared all over the papers and Larry tells him it's computer ink. Bernie looks at the numbers and tells them they're wrong. He tells them, "There's multiple checks issues because there were several policies written." He explains why there were multiple checks and tells them they're wasting his time. Larry is quick to throw Richard under the bus by telling him that Richard worked on that part. (Let's be honest; Richard did all the work). Richard admits that's true, but tells Bernie if he looks at the index, he'll notice the "remaining polices are dated after the policy holder died." Bernie looks at the numbers again, briefly, then tells him they're right and compliments them on their "very good work." As soon as Richard says, "I hate to say this, but it appears as if somebody is trying to defraud the company," I immediately knew Bernie was the one behind it. I definitely 100% knew he was behind it when he told them he wanted to keep the whole thing confidential and meet with them sometime soon and go over the numbers with them to make sure they got everything 

 

Since Labor Day weekend is right around the corner, Bernie invites them to his beach house on the Hamptons to which they agree. He tells the two guys that he'll have his secretary send them the ferry schedule since that's the only way to get there. We get this funny moment where Richard randomly tells him he's never been on a boat before except for the one time when he was on the Staten Island ferry with his parents and is about to launch into some story about this experience, but Bernie just interrupts him and says, "Whatever, whatever." He tells them to come Friday night and he'll drive him back to the city himself on Monday. 

Of course Richard and Larry are too excited about the upcoming trip (not to mention a little stupid and naive) that little do they know that Bernie is planning on having them whacked. We get an amusing scene transition where Larry tells Richard how, "the man absolutely loves us" after they are given a sincere thanks from Bernie to Bernie at a restaurant telling his mobster friends they need to kill two of his young employees. Bernie has a whole plan worked out where he's going to make it look like a murder-suicide job. He says he'll write the note, plant the money, and they (Larry and Richard) can take the rap and he won't have to change the books. 

His mobster friends are Vito and Paulie (yep, pretty sure these are also character names from The Sopranos!) and they're also joined by Tina, who is Vito's woman. However, Bernie and Tina have a little something going on on the side, but they're not keeping it very secret because Tina keeps making eyes at Bernie and is playing footsie with him and as soon as Bernie leaves, Tina immediately runs after him. Vito knows there's something going on between them and once he and Paulie are the only ones remaining at the table, he tells Paulie to "forget the accident with the two guys." He wants him to take out Bernie for messing with Tina. Tina, btw, is just this stereotypical mobster girlfriend with the tight clothes and gaudy jewelry and crazy hair and she has this Noo Joisey accent where she calls Bernie "Boy-nee". OMG, it cracked me up the way she pronounced his name. "Boy-nee, Boy-nee!" 

Richard has his date with Gwen. They had dinner at a little dive (which we don't see) and as they're walking the busy and loud streets of New York, trying to have a conversation, she tells him she would invite him back to her apartment, but she has five roommates (six girls living in one apartment (and you know it's tiny!)! Can you imagine? That sounds like absolute hell!) and they're all doing their hair. She asks him if he has his own place and he says he does and she suggests they go there. We, the audience, know that Richard, in fact, does NOT have his own place. He lives with his parents (obviously a native New Yorker if his parents live in the city!) I actually thought he was going to take her to Larry's apartment because he does live on his own (albeit in a very small apartment which is in a bad neighborhood) and Larry did offer him his apartment, but he told him no. He takes her back to the apartment he shares with his parents and she's impressed that she can afford an apartment that size and is confused as to why he keeps whispering and tiptoeing around. He tells her the walls are really thin and he doesn't want to wake the neighbors and the people who live below him are light sleepers. 

He then proceeds to tell her a huge lie (even bigger than telling her he has his own place) when she asks how he can afford a place like this and he tells her he doesn't like to talk about his financial success, but that his parents were rather well off, implying that they died. When he tells her they died in a train accident, she says she always thought trains were safer than planes and he says that a plane fell on the train. Now, if I were this girl, I would have a lot of questions. For one thing, I would be asking when this happened. Because if this had happened sometime in the last decade, I feel like you would remember an event like a plane crashing into a train! That seems like a once in a lifetime catastrophe that you would remember. But she doesn't even ask about it. Instead she feels sorry for him and they start making out. Of course, at that moment, his dad walks out of his room and into the kitchen to get something from the fridge and he and Gwen are just sort of watching him. When she whispers to him that there's a man standing in his kitchen, in a hushed tone, Richard replies that that's his butler and if they're keep quiet, he'll just ignore them and go back to bed. Of course we all know he's hoping his dad won't notice him with a girl on the couch in the living room, but of course he does and says, "Sorry, I didn't realize you had company." Richard snaps his fingers and says, "That's all right, Monroe" and asks him to lay out his navy blue suit for tomorrow. His dad replies, "How about if I lay you out" and once he goes back to his room, Gwen asks Richard, "You let your butler talk to you like that?" It's at that moment she realizes that was his dad and Richard was lying to her, so she gets up and leaves. Yeah, Richard really blew that one! 

So now we're finally in the Hamptons (though I learned those scenes were filmed in North Carolina...not that I would know since I've never been to the Hamptons or the coast of NC) and Bernie has arrived at his beach house, which, while impressive on the inside with its massive space that has a piano and a bar and even a pool, it is super ugly on the outside...it just looks like a concrete square. It's like a compound that Osama Bin Laden would have hidden out in (thought he probably wouldn't have a pool or a bar!) It is just such an ugly monstorsity  on the beach and I had to look this up to see if this was an actual home they found on the beach and I was relieved to read that it was just a set they built, so it does not exist in real life. Thankfully.

As soon as Bernie enters his ugly beach house, the phone is ringing and he runs into his office to get it. It's Paulie, the guy who's supposed to kill Richard and Larry. Bernie tells him he's early, that they're coming on the six o'clock ferry, and he still needs to plant the note. Paulie asks him where his house is and Bernie tells him not to kill them while while he's around and Paulie reminds them they're on a phone which made me laugh. Why would you say something like that over the phone? Good Lord! It's probably not a spoiler when I say that this will come back to haunt him (although he will be dead at this point, so kind of a moot point anyway since you can't send a dead guy to jail). Bernie tells him he he just needs to be back in New York with an alibi.  

He has just finished typing the confession/ suicide letter and puts it in a suitcase full of money when he turns around and Paulie is there. He tells him he didn't hear him and Paulie says he's good at that. When Bernie leans over to get a cigarette that Paulie asks for, Paulie shoots him in the butt with heroin. At least, I think it's heroin. I'm not quite sure what it was, but I looked it up on the oh so reliable Wikipedia and that's what they say it was, so we'll go with that. I don't really know that much about heroin...I know taking a lot of it is really, really bad, but would it really kill you that fast? To be honest, I thought he shot him up with something that would just paralyze him and he was actually alive the whole time; he just couldn't move or speak and I was just amazed that this whole time I thought Bernie was actually dead and maybe this was a twist in the movie - but, oh no, he's really dead. He's pretty much a goner in the first thirty seconds he was injected with the heroin (or lethal dose of whatever it was). 

To be honest, when we first learn that Bernie has a hit out on his two young employees, I thought Richard and Larry were going to be the ones to kill him....accidentally, of course. But I can see why the movie didn't want their two protagonists be murderers (even if it was totally accidental or in self defense). They also make Bernie a character where you really don't care if he dies. He doesn't have a family, all he cares about is money and he's really quite rude to everyone. We see an earlier scene of him talking on the phone with the Maserati people telling them he wants a black one and they better paint one black if they don't have a black car to offer him. We also see him with other women, so he's not faithful. Oh, and let's not forget that Bernie is planning on having two of his young employees murdered! All in all, Bernie is kind of a rich, smug jackass. 

When Richard and Larry arrive at the house, they just let themselves in since they're guests (fair enough) and the house is unlocked. We'll soon see pretty much anyone lets themselves in at any time and helps themselves to whatever. They find Bernie sitting at his desk and thinks he's sleeping. Larry slaps him on his cheek, then on top of his head and Richard tells him "Don't slap him! That's your boss!" You think they would be concerned that two slaps have not even stirred Bernie, but they think they just need to move him to the couch to "get the blood circulating". They do just that and Bernie is as limp as can be. You think they would realize by now that he's dead, but no. 

While Larry is making him coffee to help "wake" him up (hell, they could throw hot coffee in his face and he still wouldn't wake up!), Richard finds a syringe and a baggie of cocaine in the pocket of Bernie's windbreaker. He alerts this to Larry who says he didn't know that Bernie was in the "drug scene" and "if he's not careful, he's going to wake up one morning dead." While he's saying this, Richard is holding his sunglasses up to Larry's nose, realize he's not getting any breath residue on them and feels his pulse and it's at that moment he realizes Bernie is dead and tells Larry. They both immedietly think it's suicide (fair enough; the way his body is, there's no evidence of trauma) and Larry says he can't believe he didn't wait until Monday to kill himself, which, I'm ashamed to admit this (well, not really), but that made me laugh. Also, I wonder if he meant Tuesday since it was Labor Day weekend. 

Naturally, Richard's first instinct is to call the police, but then he stops when he realizes he doesn't know what he's going to tell them and that they might think they had something to do with it. I mean, they did have access to Bernie's house and they were the last ones to see him as far as the police are concerned and yeah, it doesn't look too good for them so I can see why he would be concerned about that. 

Remember when I said that people just let themselves into Bernie's house? Well, a bunch of people start arriving because "it's party time." And I mean a lot of people arriving; the house if just flooded with random people who just show up. Well, I guess they're not random to Bernie because it seems like everyone in the Hamptons knows who he is. I guess he's just popular because he's so rich and generously lets anybody into his house. People are helping themselves to drinks at the bar, they're getting into his pool, his house is pretty much much a free for all. 

Nobody has a clue that Bernie is dead and Richard and Larry are just watching all of this in disbelief. Bernie is still propped on the couch and his arms have been posed so they're splayed out on top of the couch. People are coming up to him to say hello and we see several different people have one-sided (of course!) conversations with him. Since Bernie has recently purchased a new car, I guess he is selling his Porsche and one guy comes up to him to ask if he's had a chance to think about his offer for the Porsche. A woman sits right next to him and tells him she hears he's got something for her and she fishes the drugs out of his pocket. Bernie's person trainer comes by to massage his shoulders and tells him he needs to loosen up. 

Once again, Richard decides he should call the police. He is aghast that nobody realizes he is dead. But before he can call them, Larry hangs up the phone. He thinks they can just keep up the charade that Bernie is alive and still have their great weekend in the Hamptons. Richard is totally against this idea, but once he sees Gwen enter the house, he changes his mind. Apparently, Gwen's parents also own a place in the Hamptons and that's why she's there. I'm not sure why Richard is attempting to start something with her again because she's going back to school in a week. Now I don't remember if they told us where she attended college, but even if she did go to school in the city, Richard told her that both his parents were dead when she found out that was clearly a lie. I think this 'ship has sailed! 

But apparently not. They end up at a lighthouse (where the light blinds Richard and he ends up falling down the steps.) They end up on the beach and start making out. While this is happening, Richard looks up and sees that Bernie's corpse has washed up on the beach and is literally just feet away from them! (Don't ask how Bernie ended up there...they had many faux pas with Bernie's dead body). It's quite morbid, but it made me laugh. Richard manages to convince her they need to stop and is able to get her away from the beach without her seeing (or smelling, apparently) Bernie. So I guess Gwen forgave him for lying to her about his parents!

So as you can imagine, a lot of hijinx ensue with Richard and Larry trying to pretend that Bernie is alive. Everyone vacationing in the Hamptons must be really stupid. Or, more likely, they're just hopped up on drugs all the time. That seems to be the most likely explanation. There is one insanely implausible (and gross!) scene where Tina is super pissed at Bernie because he's been ignoring her so she demands to see him. Larry and Richard at first tell her that he's not home, but after she threatens to trash the place, they tell her he's upstairs. They figure that she can be the one to find the body and call the cops. They've both been sitting on the couch for about ten minutes wondering why she hasn't been running down the stairs freaking out and crying. Instead, she moseys on down singing a little tune and says she's "never been better." Yeah, she just preformed necrophilia. Like, how did she not realize what she was doing (like, in the literal sense) and how is that even physically possible? You know what, don't even answer that. I don't want to know. 

While Tina was having her "fun" with Bernie, Paulie was watching the whole thing from outside. (The window shades were conveniently left wide open and he was there to check up on Tina for Vito). So Paulie thinks Bernie is still alive and keeps trying to "kill" him, but whatever he does never seems to work as far as he's concerned. 

One of the stupidest (and by that, I mean one of the funniest) scenes is when Richard and Larry take

Bernie on a boat. For one thing, they can't seem to get the boat started, but once they do, they haven't untied the boat from the dock so they're confused as to why they're not going anywhere until the rope break off. Once they finally get out in the water, they're going so fast and keep having to veer sharply whenever they're about to hit another boat or object in the water. This results in Bernie's body flopping out of the boat, but luckily they've tied his hands to the rope so he's still attached to the boat and it looks like he's water skiing ----just without water skis and his body is just flopping around. OMG, it's so wrong, but it the funniest thing. They go past these metal buoys (not really sure what they were) that make this clanking sound every time Bernie's body hit them and they have no clue what's making that sound until Larry finally looks back and sees that Bernie is no longer in the boat and says, "Man overboard!" So stupid, but so funny! 

There's another time when Richard is about to call the cops once and for all, but he accidentally activates the old phone messages and this is when he and Larry hear the conversation he had with Paulie about killing them. They find the money and note that Bernie had planted. They still think they are in danger and Paulie thinks Bernie is still alive and is still trying to get him out of the picture and it's all one big mess. Meanwhile, Gwen has been trying to find a moment where she can talk to Bernie so she can thank him for giving her the job or something and every time she tries to do this, Larry and Richard make up some excuse as to why he can't talk. Finally, Richard confesses and tells her that he's dead but she doesn't believe him because he told her his parents died and that was clearly a lie. 

She finally does believe him when she sees with her own eyes that Bernie, is, in fact, dead. Paulie has come back to the house to finish off Bernie once and for all and also has plans to kill the others, but his plans are thwarted and Richard manages to call the police who take Paulie away in a straightjacket because he's adamant that Bernie is still alive and they take Bernie's body away in a gurney, but while it's on the dock, it ends up rolling away and his body flips over on to the beach where Richard, Larry, and Gwen are hanging out.

This movie is so stupid and not very realistic. How can a body that's been in the water and sun for the past two days not even have a hint of a foul aroma? Nobody ever acts like they're smelling anything bad when they're in the vicinity of Bernie's corpse. You know that would reek! I will say, that I did laugh quite a few times just for how stupid and ridiculous it was. I will not be watching the sequel because I hear it's awful....like even more awful than this one. Not that I'm surprised by that.