This movie drove me crazy

Drive Me Crazy
Director: John Schultz
Cast: Melissa Joan Hart, Adrian Grenier, Ali Larter
Released: October 1, 1999

Yes, the title was intentional.

This movie is really bad. In fact, I'm trying to determine which is worse: this one or She's All That. At least the latter had better actors (Freddie Prinze Jr. notwithstanding) and while the plot was stupid, it at least made more sense than the plot of this movie, but I'll try my best to explain it.

Nicole (Hart) and Chase (Grenier) are next door neighbors. They used to be best friends when they were younger, but now they want nothing to do with each other because they fell into different groups during middle school (or, "junior high" as Nicole said. Good Lord, movie, nobody calls it "junior high" anymore!) She's part of the popular, school spirit crowd (hmm, wonder if she's going to make everybody sign her yearbook?) and he's the rebel who's too cool for school and hangs out with the other outcasts.

Don't worry, Ali, "Heroes" is only seven
years away!

There's a big dance coming up and Nicole is in charge of putting it together. She thinks her crush is going to ask her out, but he ends up asking another girl and now she risks the humiliation of attending the dance alone. Meanwhile, Chase's girlfriend has broken up with him and he wants to get her back. She's played by Ali Larter who is usually attractive, but they made her really ugly in this film. They gave her this awful dyed red hair and she wears this awful lipstick that clashes with her hair. Ugh, just ugh! (And speaking of superficial bickering, what is up with MJH's eye? One of them is significantly smaller than the other. I grew up watching Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch and I never remember her eyes being so noticeably wonky.)

Nicole proposes an idea to Chase: that he take her to the dance so she'll have someone to go with, but he has to date her for a few weeks before so it doesn't look like he's only just taking her to the dance. Chase agrees with this because he thinks it will make Ali jealous and she'll want him back. Or something. I don't know. Honestly, there were a few minutes of the movie I missed because watching my cat playing with his catnip toy was much more entertaining than this dreck.

Obviously, as you can imagine, they both decide they like each other at the end of the movie. Wow. I didn't see that coming! In a weird turn of events, it turns out that Nicole's mom and Chase's dad (her parents are divorced and his mom died) tell them that they're moving in together. HUH? When did that happen? I don't remember their parents starting to date. This must have happened when I was paying more attention to Milo doing some crazy acrobats across my floor. Do Nicole and Chase object to this weird and awkward reveal? Oh, no, they handle the news with great big smiles on their faces. Um, hello, you two want to date/have started dating and now your parents tell you they're moving in together? You're technically stepsiblings now! This is the third teen movie now that has dealt with stepsibling incest. It is not cute when stepsiblings date! It is creepy and icky!

Time for the checklist:

Is there a party scene? Yes

Is there a prom scene? It's not the prom, but there is a dance scene

Is there a football scene? No, but there is a basketball game

Is there a makeover scene? Yes, Nicole makes over Chase to make him appear more with the in crowd. First of all, he looked better before, and second of all, I would be pissed if somebody tried to get me to change my hair and wardrobe especially if I didn't need to. 

Is there a scene where all the different high school cliques are being shown? No

Was this movie spoofed in Not Another Teen Movie? No. Wow, even this movie wasn't worthy of getting spoofed in that one. 

Do I own the soundtrack/favorite song - I do. I bought it because I love the Britney song so much. The one on her CD is different from the one on the soundtrack which has the "Stop" remix which I like better than the original version. I also like the cover of "Keep on Loving You" by the Donnas.

Darkest scene - Not too many, but there is one scene when some drunk frat boy starts getting frisky with his girlfriend and starts beating up a kid who comes to her defense. 

Favorite line - Nothing stands out.

Favorite character - Chase, but only because he's cute.

Favorite scene - Nicole and Chase singing "Keep on Loving You" in the car. I doubt you would ever see teenagers nowadays singing to REO Speedwagon!

Hey, it's the '90s! -  A couple of references to the X-Files are made. 

Why the class of 1999 is the most awesome graduation class:

1. Many teen/high school movies came out in 1999.

2. The song that told people to "party like it's 1999."

3.  Buffy Summers is an alum from the class of '99.

4. Bella Swan is not a graduate from the class of '99.

5. One of my favorite songs, "You Get What You Give" by the New Radicals came out my senior year (though technically it was released in late '98).

Teen Tropes

Not Another Teen Movie
Director: Joel Gallen
Cast: Chyler Leigh, Chris Evans, Jaime Pressley, Randy Quaid
Released: December 14, 2001

You might find Not Another Teen Movie amusing if you are familiar with '80s and '90s teen movies. I saw this movie about a year after its release and while I remembered most of the '90s teen movie references, I did not remember there being any '80s references, although I did remember that Molly Ringwald makes a cameo toward the end, so that should have been my first clue! This may be because I've only seen two of the '80s movies parodied in this: The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off (the latter is probably one of the more funnier scenes of the movie as it has the parents of "Ferris" telling their son not to have a party while they're gone and people are literally bringing in speakers and kegs as they tell him this). On the other hand, I've seen all of the '90s teen movies that are spoofed in this two or more times except for Varsity Blues which I've only seen once. (Isn't that the movie Michael Scott shows to his employees in The Office when they have a movie day?) I do love that the characters in this movie attend John Hughes High School. That was a nice touch.

While many teen movies are made fun of (and, for some reason, American Beauty is part of this. I know there are teens in it, but that doesn't make it a teen movie. They make fun of the weird neighbor kid and his fascination with the plastic bag.), She's All That gets the most ribbing which is more than fine with me, because, my God, that movie is TERRIBLE! And this movie shows just how ridiculous it is. Seriously, go back and try to watch that movie. It is unwatchable.

Our main character, Janey Briggs, is played by Chyler Leigh (she played Lexie on Grey's Anatomy). She is 90% Laney Boggs from She's All That (look at her name and she follows most of Laney's storyline) and 10% Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You (her father (Randy Quaid) won't let her younger brother date until she does). And I guess she's also whichever Molly Ringwald character has a best friend who's in love with her (I really need to brush up on my '80s teen comedies!) as she has a best friend named Ricky who literally tells Janey that he's in love with her every chance he gets (not to mention he reads a poem aloud in class titled "10 Things I Love About Janey", heh).

It's really weird seeing Chris Evans (easily the most well-known actor in this) in this because I'm used to seeing him in a)big blockbusters or b) more serious movies and not stupid stuff like this. While there are some funny and clever elements to this movie, I gotta say the bad outweighs the good and there's a lot of cringeworthy moments in this movie. I especially felt bad for him during theVarsity Blues spoof. But this was his first movie and I guess you gotta start somewhere when you're not yet an established actor. I also felt bad for the girl playing the foreign exchange student, but we'll get to her later. Chyler Leigh also has a really embarrassing first scene (think American Pie). I suppose there'a a reason why this is the first movie (or one of the first) for many of the main actors!

Evans plays Jake who is modeled after Freddie Prinze Jr.'s She's All That character. 

His girlfriend, Priscilla (Jaime Pressley) has broken up with him, and,  just like in She's All That, he makes a bet with his friends to find the most unattainable and unattractive girl at their school to transfer into the Prom Queen. This scene is quite humorous as he's suggesting truly hideous girls to his friends for them to choose for him such as a hunchbacked girl with warts all over her face, conjoined twins, and an albino girl with red demon eyes, but when they suggest Janey Briggs he is so repulsed by the very idea of trying to make her into someone popular and that it will never work. Janey is deemed ugly because she has glasses, wears her hair in a ponytail, and has paint-splattered overalls. Despite all these terrible aspects of her physical appearance, she is obviously a very attractive girl (just like Rachael Leigh Cook is in She's All That) and I do give the movie props for pointing out just how stupid it is.

Jake does whatever he can to get Janey's attention and this includes serenading her (obviously taken from 10 Things) and he picks Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" since her name is in the title and when he starts singing it in front of her and the entire school, all the students start freaking out and Janie is tackled by the campus security. Yeah, something tells me they would never be able to get away with that scene in today's world!

Of course, Janey will get a makeover courtesy of Chris's sister, Catherine where she literally takes Janey's glasses off and lets her hair down and she is automatically "hot". Catherine is modeled after Sarah Michelle Gellar's character in Cruel Intentions (they even share the same name, just spelled differently) and she has some weird attraction to her brother. When she's trying to make out with him and he tells her they can't do that because they're related, she replies, "Only by blood." Of course in the movie it's spoofing, she responds, "Only by marriage" since they're step-siblings. Still gross in both scenarios. There's also this really weird scene where, after Jake's dad learns the his girlfriend broke up with him, offers to let his own mother "comfort" him if you know what I mean. Ewww...and what movie is that spoofing from? I mean, I at least get the Cruel Intentions joke, but what teen movie has a mother being attracted to her own son? Because I've never seen that one, luckily!

Almost Famous is another non-teen movie they spoof when Janey jumps off a roof and into a pool at a party (again, I know there are teens in Almost Famous, but that doesn't mean it's a teen movie!) and when she climbs out of the pool, SOAKING wet, Priscilla pours water on her and she runs away, crying. This is similar to a scene in She's All That when Freddie's ex-girlfriend pours her drink on Laney and she runs away, crying.

One of the worst scenes is when Janey's younger brother and his two friends are crawling in the vents to have a peek at two girls taking a shower together (and, of course, they are lathering each other up) in the girl's locker room. They also spy on a girl using the toilet and let's just say it's not as erotic as the two girls sudsing each other up. Now while this is going on, it cuts back to an English class where the teacher is about to read a poem but when a student makes a fart noise with his hand and everyone laughs, the teacher makes the comment, "Is this what your generation considers humor?" He continues to go on about what real comedy is and how this generation only seems to find toilet humor funny. I don't know what's wrong with the girl, but she has a very bad case of diarrhea; so bad that both she and the toilet end up falling through the floor and landing in the classroom where all the excrements land on the teacher (and there are a lot!) I do get the joke of this scene, but it was really gross (I, for one, do not find toilet humor to be funny, especially when it's that disgusting) and if this is a spoof from a teen movie, I don't think I've ever seen it. I know there are sometimes gross scenes in those movies (like that one from She's All That - if you know it, you know it; if you don't, I'm not going to make you lose your appetite to tell you. It wasn't as visually disgusting as this one, but it was still really gross and unnecessary.) The logistics of this scene doesn't make any sense. I have never heard of/seen a gym on the second floor of any school. Gyms are always on the ground floor! I felt bad for the girl on the toilet. The actress, I mean. I don't know who she is or if she went on to have some sort of career. I don't see anyone credited as "Girl on Toilet" in the credits so I can't look her up. Can you imagine taking this role and having your friends and family watch it? You could not pay me enough money to do that. I still have some dignity! Of course, maybe she took the role and didn't tell anyone and persuaded everyone she knew that she heard this movie was terrible and not to see it!

But she's a non-character and her role is a small one. The girl who plays the foreign exchange student (who is based off of the overly-sexualized Nadia from American Pie) is in a few scenes and she is from some random country because her accent seems to change in every scene. She is also naked in every single scene. At first, I thought she was just topless because we first see her sitting down, but no, she is completely nude. When she is standing, they do have certain object strategically placed in front of her so not everything is showing. I don't know the actress, but she's gone on to have a pretty good steady career (so maybe that helped her!) and I know it was her choice to be in the movie. I don't have a problem with nudity in movies, but this was a little much and they just wanted it in there (along with the toilet scene) so it could be as raunchy and gratuitous as they could make it. I feel like the movie goes for shock value more than actual humor.

Since Molly Ringwald represents the '80s teen movie cameo, they needed someone to represent the cameo for the '90s teen movies and that person would be...Melissa Joan Hart. Now, she's more affiliated with '90s teen TV than movies as the only movie I can think of her in is Drive Me Crazy, which might be just as terrible as She's All That. I don't think they even made fun of it in this movie, so all the more puzzling why she's even in this. She makes her appearance during the pool party scene when a kid starts slow clapping after Janey runs away and tells him that he can't start a slow clap at any moment: it has to be the right moment and he'll know when he sees it. (Which will happen when our two leads realize they have feelings for each other). Is the slow clap a trope in teen movies because I can't think of any examples. Unless it was in Drive Me Crazy and I don't remember (I will admit that movie didn't always hold my attention!) I know the slow clap is a thing in inspirational sports movies like Cool Runnings when they crash, but then they are able to get up and walk to the finish line carrying the bobsled.

When I reviewed Independence Day, I said if I could make my own edited version with just the really good scenes, that's what I would recommend to people. It's the same with this movie. There are some really funny and clever things in this movie and if I could just make an edited version with the truly great scenes from this movie, that's what I would do and leave all the other crap (literally, in some scenes!) behind.

Holiday Road

National Lampoon's Vacation

Director: Harold Ramis

Cast: Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quiad, Anthony Michael Hall, Dana Barron, Christie Brinkley

Released: July 29, 1983

This was a favorite of my family's as we had it on VHS (and it was from a recording on TV with a blank tape!) and we watched it so many times that many parts of the movie were scratched and, also, since it had been recorded from TV, there would be parts that wouldn't be recorded, because who ever recorded it (my dad?) always stopped the tape when the commercials came on and sometimes didn't start recording in enough time when the movie came back on because usually there was a 3 second delay. What the hell were we thinking taping movies off of TV? That was the stupidest way to watch a movie. However, back in those days, we didn't have DVDs so I didn't know what I was missing and was still able to enjoy the movie and always got a kick out of it even when I was watching it for the 20th time! 

This movie is the first of a series involving the Griswolds - Clark (played by Chevy Chase); his wife, Ellen (Beverly D'Angelo); and their two kids, Rusty and Audrey who are always played by different actors in each movie, but in this one they are played by a pre-Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hall and Dana Barron who, aside from this movie, is probably best known for playing Nikki, just one of Brandon's many girlfriends on Beverly Hills, 90210. She was in season 3 and had the abusive ex-boyfriend played by David Arquette. 

The family lives in Chicago (as many movies that were written by John Hughes take place!) and have a trip planned to Los Angeles to visit Wally World, a large theme park with the longest theme song ever. Seriously, it really is. They were singing it in the car and it wasn't something simple and catchy like "M-I-C-K-E-Y....", but instead it just goes on and on. Everyone wants to fly out there, but Clark thinks it would be more fun to drive because "half the fun is getting there!" He has the route mapped out on the "computer" (and I put that word in quotations because I have a hard time calling something as outdated as they showed a computer!) 

Their station wagon is packed with suitcases and there is no room for anyone to lie down or stretch out. I could not imagine being in a car for that long and having to sit in the backseat next to my brother. My family did take a trip from Omaha to Virginia Beach in our station wagon way back when I was little and we even had my grandma along with us (luckily nothing happened to her like Aunt Edna!), but I remember hardly anything about this trip, especially the traveling part. They are barely out of Chicago and Clark is encouraging everyone to sing along with him. After a while his kids put on their headphones when they can't stand it anymore. I know that would drive me crazy! 

The Griswold family have all kinds of adventures on their way to California, including everyone falling asleep in the car - including Clark who is driving!; Clark trying to impress a beautiful blonde woman (played by Christie Brinkley) driving a red convertible he keeps seeing throughout the trip; making a stop in Kansas to see Cousin Eddie and his family (one of his daughters is played by a very young Jane Krakowski!); having to put up with Aunt Edna who is joining them on the ride until they reach Arizona: accidently killing Aunt Edna's dog; and having to deal with Edna's body when she dies. They also lose their money, Clark gets lost in the desert when he crashes the car and it won't work, and Ellen catches him skinny-dipping with the beautiful blonde in an outdoor hotel pool. 

By the time they reach California, Ellen and the kids do not even care about Wally World anymore and beg Clark to turn the car around and drive home, but he refuses, saying how much they've had to put up with just to get to Wally World and how they were going to go there and have some effing fun! When they finally reach the destined theme park early the next morning, the parking lot is empty and Clark exclaims, "First ones here!" as he parks as far away from the entrance as possible. This is so when they leave the park at the end of the day, they can easily get out. They start running to the entrance and the theme song to Chariots of Fire starts playing. Now when I saw this movie, I had never seen Chariots of Fire, much less ever heard of it, so I always associate that music with this movie! I also associate that song with running in slow motion and throwing my hands in the air...

When they reach the entrance, they are greeted by a statue of Marty the Moose, the mascot of Wally World who apologetically tells them through a speaker box that the park is closed for two weeks for repairs. Clark buys a BB gun and kidnaps the security guard (played by John Candy) and makes him  take them on all the rides until the police notify Roy Wally (the Walt Disney of Wally World).

This movie is hilarious, but I would have to say my favorite from the Griswold movies is still Christmas Vacation which I reviewed as my last Christmas movie. 

'Brave' Heart

Brave
Directors: Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell
Voice Taent: Kelly Macdonald, Emma Thompson, Billy Connolly, Julie Walters
Released: June 22, 2012

Oscar nominations:

Best Animated Movie (won)

Brave marks the first Pixar movie with a female as the lead. To be honest, it had never really crossed my mind that a female had never headlined one of their movies, probably because they've made movies with toys, fish, cars, and robots and even those characters were male or voiced by males or considered male, they still weren't human characters. In Brave, all the characters are human (well, most!) Merida, the main character (voiced by Kelly Macdonald, who I know best for playing The Grey Lady in the last Harry Potter movie) is a 16 year old Scottish princess who has hair, while incredibly realistic and amazing, would drive me crazy. It's so long and curly and if I had hair like that I would either want to pull it back or at least chop most of it off! She is a free spirit and loves spending any free time she can get riding her horse (more like galloping!) and perfecting her archery skills (while doing this upon her galloping horse) and climbing 100 foot cliffs with a gushing waterfall right next to it. Ahh, with animation you can do anything!

Merida's mother (voiced by Emma Thompson) teaches her daughter how to be a lady and is getting her prepared to be betrothed by one of three young gentlemen from royal families who are each the oldest in their clans, but Merida wants none of that. When she learns that the first born that completes a task of her choosing gets her hand, she immediately chooses archery and after the three of her suiters take their turns, announces she will be competing her for own hand and wins the contest. This greatly upsets her mother and they have a huge fight. Merida ends up running away where she runs into a witch who tells Merida she can cast a spell on her mother that will make her change her mind on Merida being married. Well, Merida's mother does "change" for a lack of better word, but it's best not to give away any spoilers. I didn't know anything about this movie going in and didn't expect it to go in that direction and I was glad I wasn't spoiled about anything.

Merida is very selfish and quite the brat. Of course she learns her lesson at the end and she and her mother do come to terms on the situation. I would be lying if I said I didn't shed a few tears, but that's Pixar for you! Their movies always have to go and make me cry!

This movie feels like Scotland threw up on it. Scottish accents, Scottish music, red hair galore, everything is just Scottish. I love the Scottish accent and don't have any problem with it, but sometimes it was like, enough already! We get it! These are Scottish characters who live in Scotland and listen to Scottish music. I'm surprised there wasn't a Scottish terrier to be seen!

I had low expectations seeing this movie because it seemed like everybody didn't like it. I had heard comments on how it would be considered a a great film if it had not been Pixar, but the Pixar name always makes a huge target on their movies to be perfect, so therefore it was only "good" or "decent", but not great, but I actually quite liked it.

Lohanissance

Freakier Friday

Director: Nisha Ganatra

Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Lee Curtis, Julia Butters, Sophia Hammons, Manny Jacinto, Chad Michael Murray, Mark Harmon, Vanessa Bayer

Released: August 8, 2025

Viewed in theaters: August 13, 2025

When I reviewed the 1976 Freaky Friday and its 2003 remake almost ten years ago, I said that the 2003 version was far superior and I still stand by that. I really like the 2003 movie with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis and was excited when I found out there would be a sequel and of course I had to see it. While I did enjoy it, the original (as in the 2003 film, not the '76 movie just so we're clear!) is still better. One thing I didn't know about the 2003 version (or maybe I did know, but just forgot, but it wasn't something I mentioned in my review) is that they asked Jodie Foster to play the mom, but she passed. To be honest, I'm kind of glad she did. For one thing, I can't see anyone as the mom but Jamie Lee Curtis. (Though I also learned that Annette Bening was originally cast as the mom, but had to drop out.) Jodie Foster is a great actress (she's got two Oscars!), but she's not known for her comedic roles. Silence of the Lambs?? Definitely not a comedy! The Accused? Have you seen that? Most definitely not a comedy! I've never seen Contact or Nell (I know, deep cuts there), but I'm guessing those aren't comedies either! It would have been fun if they had done a reverse Panic Room and Jodie Foster had a cameo as someone on the phone...or even as a patient of Tess's. (I call it a reverse Panic Room because Nicole Kidman was supposed to be in that movie, but wasn't able to, so she had a cameo on the phone as Jodie's character's ex's new wife.) So yeah, I'm glad they kept the two Freaky Friday movies separate...as they should be! 

Freakier Friday shares a lot of DNA with its 2003 counterpart. In the first movie, Tess (Jamie Lee Curtis) is getting married and in this movie, Anna (Lindsay Lohan) is getting married! Like, could they at least try to come up with something new? Freakier Friday is a little more convoluted because it involves four people who get body swapped, but it's really not that complicated; it just sometimes doesn't make sense. Having Anna and Tess switch bodies like they did in the first movie, really wouldn't make sense since Anna is in her 30s now. Both women are mothers and are responsible adults with jobs...it would be a bit of a boring movie if they switched again. No, we need to bring in some more teens. Anna has a daughter, Harper (Julia Butters), who she's raising as a single parent, but Tess is helping her co-parent her (I think that's the word she used). I don't remember if they said how old she is, but I'm guessing she's probably supposed to be fifteen, like Anna was in the first movie. There's a new girl at school who Harper can't stand. Lily (Sophie Hammons) is British and she acts like she's better than everyone else and brags about her French model boyfriend (who, spoiler alert, isn't real). The girls get into a fight during a science experiment and ruin the classroom and Anna and Lily's dad, Eric (Manny Jacinto) are both called to the school for their daughter's behavior and it's pretty much love at first sight. It's pretty ridiculous and the movie knows it as the teacher calls a restaurant for them and sets them up on a date. We then get a obligatory montage of them going on dates and falling in love until they're engaged and neither girl is thrilled about this, obviously. I much prefer the original when Tess was already engaged to Ryan. I understand why they did it this way, but it's ridiculous these two people are moving this fast. 

So throughout about the first third of the movie, it was driving me crazy because I was trying to place who Eric was. I knew I recognized him from some show or movie I had seen him in. Then, it suddenly hit me that he looked an awful lot like Jason from The Good Place and when I got home that was indeed him. I think it took me awhile to place him because this character is so different from his character in The Good Place (and if you've seen that show, you know what I mean!) and he has a British accent (for some reason) in this one. At first, I thought they made him British since maybe the actress who plays his daughter is British in real life, but no, she's American. There is a plot point where the two adults are wondering if they should move to London or stay in Los Angeles. Can't they just make Lily and her dad be from New York? It's still a long way to move. 

So the way the switch happens is when everyone's at Anna's bachelorette party and a palm reader named Madame Jen (played by Vanessa Bayer) is there as a fun little novelty. Well, turns out her powers are stronger than she even knows and after reciting some mantra (which I can't remember because I've only seen this movie once (I usually am able to watch my movies on streaming platforms so I can watch with subtitles!), an earthquake appears that only the four females can feel and Anna and Tess share a look like, I hope that's not what we think it is, then both shake their heads. They both clearly have PTSD from what happened 22 years ago! 

So of course the switch happens at midnight and like I mentioned before, it's a little more convoluted than the first movie, but really not that convoluted. Anna and Harper have switched bodies. This makes sense that Anna, now a mother, has switched bodies with her daughter as she was the daughter who switched bodies with her mother in the first movie. But for some inexplicable reason, Tess and Lily switch places. Okay, I get that they don't want Tess and Anna switching bodies again because it's more fun when a kid is an adults body and vice versa and Anna and Harper make sense switching bodies, so that leaves only Tess and Lily to switch bodies, but yeah, I'm sorry, it makes no f***ing sense. Maybe I need to dig deeper to see if I can find a podcast or review that will make me change my mind about that, but I haven't come across anything so far. 

So now Tess and Anna are in the bodies of the two teenaged girls and while they're trying to remain calm and are discussing that they need to find Madame Jen, in the background we see Harper and Lily, now in the bodies of the two adult women run across the room and smack right into each other. Seeing Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan repeat this scene from the first is a really funny callback to the first movie...BUT it really doesn't make sense. If Harper is in her mom's body, then why would she try to collide with Lily who's in her grandmother's body? Yeah, makes no sense. 

I do think the way this scene was done in the first movie is way better and much funnier. There's also the fact that it was just two people and they were freaking out, but also knew they couldn't tell anybody what had happened. In this movie, Harper and Lily are freaked out, but they don't seem that freaked out to me. In fact, both teen girls in their adult women bodies seem to think this might be a great way for them to get what they want: have their parents break up. 

So the high school girls spend their day trapped in the bodies of older women (one, a woman in her mid-thirties, and another in her late sixties, but knowing high school kids, they probably think anyone over the age of 28 is ancient!) and the two grown ups spend their day as teen girls.

Anna and Tess, trapped in the body of the high school students have some amusing moments, but we're really here to watch Lohan and Curtis, so I'll just quickly try to remember as much as I can from their day: they go to school and are sent to detention and I can't remember why. Something involving a food fight, but I can't remember how it all started. Stephen Tobolowsky is one of many people from the first movie who came back for this movie. Remember, he played Mr. Bates who had a grudge against Anna because he once asked Tess out in high school and she rejected him. That's such a petty thing. Of course the girls recognize him and are surprised he's still teaching there. I would be surprised too because he's in his 70s! 

Other people who are back from the first movie include Mark Harmon as Ryan, Tess's husband, Anna's younger brother makes an appearance at her wedding reception, her old band mates from Pink Slip, and of course, Chad Michael Murray as whatshisface. But we'll get to him in a minute. Even the mother and daughter from the Chinese restaurant where the whole thing started in the first movie make an appearance at Anna's bachelorette party. It's nice to know she doesn't hold a grudge against the mother for what happened a couple decades ago! 

Back to Anna and Tess who are being portrayed by the young actresses. There is a funny moment when they're outside (somehow, the entire detention class convinced Mr. Bates to move detention outside) and they want to try to escape and they look over and see something that will help with their escape. Well, the camera shows a shot of two motorcycles and I was thinking they were going to take those, but in the next scene they're riding scooters. Being that they're two adults trapped in teen bodies, they're being very responsible. The only sign of rebellion is when they go crazy with all the junk food they eat because, hey, why not. This is also a callback to the first movie when Tess, in Anna's body, goes crazy with the fries.

Meanwhile, Harper and Lily (you know, Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis) decide the best way to split up their parents is to try to get Harper's mom back with her old high school boyfriend, Jake (oh, yeah, that's his name). They find him on Facebook, something "only old people use" according to Harper. (Heh, she's not wrong. I actually remember when you had to have a college e-mail to use it. Also, if you think the Facebook reference is dated, I'm pretty sure they make a MySpace reference in the 2003 movie. Now that's antiquated!) They find out he works at a record shop and there's another joke about listening to a band that only old people like and that band is Coldplay. Lindsay Lohan as Harper is "flirting" with Jake and it's the most awkward, excruciating thing ever. He's very confused because he knows she's engaged and as far as I remember, they don't really keep in touch anymore. Though I don't know if that moment was more awkward then when he sees Tess and is asking her if her husband was still around. You remember how he had a connection with Tess in the first movie, but of course that was because it was actually Anna. It could also be that Jake is into older women. 

Anna is a music producer and on this particular day there is a photoshoot with a singer named Ella. Harper and Lily, in their adult bodies, decide to crash the photoshoot and we get a montage of Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis wearing crazy outfits and posing with the young singer. Earlier, Harper had found a song her mom wrote a few years ago and she assumed it was a love song her mom had written about Jake. 

There's a moment when the girls are in a car with Lily in Tess's body driving  and being that they're teen girls who haven't learned to drive yet, they drive very erratically. At one point they stop next to another car where there's a teen boy in the back seat and Lily starts flirting with him. I guess she forgot she was in the body of a 60-something woman? It reminded me of that scene in 13 Going on 30 when Judy Greer tells Jennifer Garner that this hot guy is checking her out (I think they're at a restaurant, it's been a minute since I've seen that movie) but Jennifer (who started the movie as a thirteen-year-old (you've all seen the movie or go read the review if you don't know what it's about!) thinks she's talking about the teen boy who's sitting nearby and she goes over to flirt with him. It's so cringe! 

Anna and Eric are supposed to have an interview with an immigration officer (oh, is this why they make them British?) and Harper, as her mother, is ready to fail miserably, but then she realizes how much Eric loves her mother because he knows the answer to everything, even obscure questions. She does not sabotage the interview as initially planned. She is coming around to her mom and Eric getting married, but that may be because Eric told her (thinking she's Anna) that it would be best for all of them to stay in Los Angeles. 

Lily is still determined to ruin the wedding and invites Jake to the rehearsal wedding. (Oh, yeah, the wedding is the next day, much like the first movie's "freaky Friday" happened the day before Tess's and Ryan's wedding.) Eric ends up calling off the wedding and to be honest, I can't remember exactly why. I don't think it's only because Jake was there. 

Lily has a heart-to-heart with Tess and realizes that she wants her dad to be happy so she talks to him (as Tess, because remember that's who's body she's in) and convinces him that he shouldn't throw away what he has with Anna.

Meanwhile, Anna has been invited to the concert Ella is performing that night because her old bandmates from Pink Slip are going to perform (maybe they've collaborated with Ella? IDK) so both she and Harper go, because obviously the real Anna is in Harper's body so she's going to need to hide backstage while her daughter performs onstage as herself. You think this is another callback to the first movie when Jamie Lee Curtis, portraying Anna, is backstage playing the electric guitar while Lindsay Lohan, portraying her mother, is onstage pretending to play the electric guitar during the scene when Pink Slip is performing "Take Me Away", that one song that seems to be their only song because they always play it. It's kinda like how The Wonders from That Thing You Do! always performed "That Thing You Do!" Anyway, the movie does NOT do what we were expecting and Harper (as Anna) invites her "daughter" (actually her mother, God, this movie is confusing when you're trying to explain it!) to sing "Baby" with her. Why does she invite her out on stage with her? Because just moments earlier, Harper found out that the song she thought her mom wrote about her former boyfriend was actually about her. The song is called "Baby" so she thought it was being used as a term of affection. (Personally, I've always hated when people call their significant others "baby" because it skeeves me out...the only time I'm willing to let it go if it's used in a song.) But, no, "Baby" is about her literal baby. If this girl had just listened to the lyrics, she probably would have figured it out. 

Anyway, Eric ends up at the concert and he and Anna end up together. By the time they are reunited, everyone has switched back to their rightful bodies. I honestly don't remember anything that happened after that, but everyone is happy and all is good in the world again. At least, in their world. I still think the 2003 movie is better than the 1976 original film and this movie. 

Pie-oh-my

American Pie
Director: Paul Weitz
Cast: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Eugene Levy, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein, Mena Suvari, Tara Reid
Released: July 9, 1999
Viewed in theaters: July 31, 1999

If you like immature and raunchy movies, this one is for you! As far as my rankings for the teen movies I've reviewed thus far, I would only put it ahead of She's All That and Drive Me Crazy (both of which I didn't care for), but below everything else. There are some genuinely funny moments, but the gross-out scenes outrank the funny.

The movie's premise is pretty simple: four senior guys make a pact to "get laid by graduation". Kevin is the only one of the four who has a girlfriend, so the other three have to make their move. Finch goes around spreading rumors about himself that gets girls interested in him, Oz joins the school choir because he learned from a college girl he dated that he should look and appear sensitive at all times, and Jim, the main character, goes after Nadia, the foreign exchange student who is way out of his league, so instead he has to settle for going to prom with Michelle, the band geek.

As you can guess there's plenty of embarrassing scenes Jim finds himself involved in and his dad walks in on every single one! You think he would learn to lock his door! Or not assault a pie in the kitchen in the middle of the day! At least find some privacy in a bathroom or your bedroom!

Most people who've seen this movie when it came out twelve years ago, only remember three scenes: the disturbing pie scene, Finch and Stifler's mom, and the band camp joke. Oh, and maybe the Sherminator. Everything else is pretty forgettable. For instance, I had totally forgotten about the odd porno style music that is used throughout this movie during the more risque scenes.

Is there a party scene? Yes

Is there a prom scene? Yes, and they hired the most tacky band ever!

Is there a football scene? No

Is there a makeover scene? No

Is there a scene where all the different high school cliques are being shown? No

Was this movie spoofed in Not Another Teen Movie? Yes, the opening scene where he's watching a porn-o and his parents walk in is spoofed and I'm sure there were other scenes spoofed.

Do I own the soundtrack/favorite song - No, and  the only song I remember from the film is "One Week" by BareNaked Ladies, a song I do like.

Darkest scene - There are no dark scenes, but I think we can all agree on which the most disturbing is!

Favorite line - "This one time, at band camp -"

Favorite character - the Sherminator! I felt kind of bad for him when the girl humiliated him in front of the whole school! 

Favorite scene - The one where Jim's dad is showing Jim those porno mags is pretty funny.

Hey, it's the '90s - Jim's computer and webcam look like prehistoric artifacts!

And to continue my list of why '99 is the best graduating class:

1. Many teen/high school movies came out in 1999.

2. The song that told people to "party like it's 1999."

3. Buffy Summers is an alum from the class of '99.

4. Bella Swan is not a graduate from the class of '99.

5. "You Get What You Give" by the New Radicals was released when the class of '99 were seniors.

6.  "Graduation Song" by Vitamin C may have been released for the class of 2000, but it was recorded and probably written in 1999, so I like to think that she got inspiration from the class of '99 for that song.

7. At my school, our class was the last who could leave campus for lunch as freshman. The following year freshman were no longer allowed to do this! (Sidenote: this is probably more because we caused too much trouble and not because we're special just because we're the class of '99, but hey, I'm gonna count it!)

Toy Story Thoughts

As you know, Toy Story 4 is coming out this summer. It's probably my most anticipated summer movie. I recently re-watched the first three films and would like to share some observations and thoughts I had. Now I already reviewed these films back in 2010 (click the Pixar label to find it), so think of this as a little bonus!

1. Sid: Psychopath in the making or misunderstood kid? Of all the humans in the Toy Story universe, I find Sid the most interesting. There are some concerning things about him such as he loves blowing up his toys (he even has a sticker on his bedroom wall that says "I 🖤 explosives") and his door has about seven deadbolts. Seriously, where are his parents and why aren't they checking his room (probably because there's seven deadbolts!) or the boxes of explosives he's ordering? Are they even aware that he's ordering explosives? The only parental figure we see in that household is the father (I assume it's the dad; you only see the socked feet of someone on a recliner) who seems to be passed out. I heard a really grim theory that the father is an alcoholic who beats Sid which would explain his morbid fascination of being cruel to his toys and why he has so many deadbolts on his door...to keep out his abusive dad. However, being that this is a family friendly Disney/Pixar movie, I doubt that's the case. In any case, his parents are not being very parental as they seem to let him skateboard by himself at night to Pizza Planet and back home. I wasn't aware that Sid is supposed to be the garbage man  in Toy Story 3; I guess the telltale sign is that he's wearing a shirt with skulls and crossbones, much like the shirt he wears when he's a kid. For someone who had to go through the horror of seeing his toys come alive, he sure seems like a well-adjusted young man.

2. That claw has some mighty powers. Indeed, in Toy Story 3, we will find out that the claw does have some mighty powers as it will save our toy heroes, but I'm sorry, there's no way in hell that a claw in a toy machine could grasp the slippery plastic helmet of a Buzz Lightyear toy. No way in hell! It would have slipped right off. Not buying it! Maybe Sid is just good at controlling the claw; he did manage to get an alien before he grabbed Buzz and Woody. When I played the claw machine as a kid, I was lucky if I barely grasped a little stuffed animal. Those things were the best way to lose money, but there was something so enticing about them.

3. Why is Andy not the least bit suspicious? We know that Andy has been looking for Woody and Buzz for about twenty-four hours and we know that he's looked everywhere. I'm pretty sure that includes the box that is sitting next to him in the car when he makes the move with his mom and sister. As we all know, Woody and Buzz fall into the box ((a, they're lucky the sky roof was open) and (b, how did Andy not hear two large thumps or see two of his toys fall from the sky?)) and that is how Andy just suddenly discovers them. He just accepts that they were there the whole time when he's been looking everywhere for them. If I were him, while I would be happy that I found my two favorite toys, I would be asking myself such questions as, "How did these toys get here?" and "I checked everywhere a million times and suddenly they're in this box right next to me? What's going on here?" It would just drive me absolutely crazy. If there isn't a logical explanation to why something isn't working or if something isn't adding up, I drive myself mad trying to figure out why.

4. Emily is Andy's mom? This is a theory that's floating around the web. As you may recall in that super sad scene from Toy Story 2, Emily was Jessie's owner who loved her doll and had a lot of fun adventures with her, until she started to grow up and forgot about poor Jessie who was collecting dust under Emily's bed for years before Emily eventually donated her (and some other stuff from her childhood that she didn't want/need anymore). Cue tears. There are some good reasons why this is a theory: the time period lines up, Andy's mom would have been the same age we see Emily as a teenager; Emily is wearing a hat very similar to the one Andy wears. While this is a fun theory, I don't think it's true because it's way too convenient. Also, wouldn't we have known? Wouldn't Andy's mom tell her son that she had a Jessie doll when she was younger? Wouldn't Jessie have recognized her pervious owner?

5. I don't like the bloopers at the end of Toy Story 2. When I saw the movie the first four or five times, yes, I did enjoy the bloopers and thought they were quite funny, but now I don't like them because they don't make any sense. The characters of the toys are acting like they're making a movie and they're actors, not toys who actually belong to Andy. If that's the case, then what's the point of these movies? They should have done what they do at the end of Toy Story 3 did where you see a little montage of what's happening with the toys at Bonnie's house or you see what's up with Barbie and Ken at Sunnyside Day Care. I think it would have been fun to see Stinky Pete with his new owner, the "artistic" Amy and we could have seen Andy playing with his new toys.

6. Big Baby is creepier than any of the disfigured toys Sid had. Enough said.

7. Does Lotso deserve all that hate? Hearing Lotso Bear's backstory is pretty heartbreaking. To remind you, he belonged to a little girl named Daisy, who, while one day at the park, left him along with Big Baby and Chuckles the Clown. (Chuckles the Clown was also creepy...what is up with this little girl and her creepy toys? Though I will admit Big Baby wasn't creepy here). Daisy falls asleep and her parents pick her up to put her in the car. You think they would see her toys too, but nope, they just leave them. They eventually find their way back to her house, Homeward Bound-style, but by then Lotso discovers he has been replaced when he sees Daisy with another Lotso Bear. They eventually make their way to Sunnyside Daycare where Lotso becomes a dictator deciding where toys are going to go. When all the toys are in the landfill and about to heads towards certain death, Woody does the right thing and saves Lotso when they're about to go through the shredder, but when Lotso climbs a ladder to a button that will stop the incinerator, he doesn't push it and just leaves the other toys to burn. So yes, Lotso deserves all the hate. Lotso is a piece of sh*t. Who happens to smell like strawberries.

8. I love the callbacks. Of course in the first movie, we have Woody telling Buzz, "You are a toy!" and Buzz will reiterate that point to Woody in the second movie. There are several little callbacks in the movies, but my favorite is probably The Claw. ("The Claaaawwww!") Of course a huge claw would rescue the toys right before they're about to go into the incinerator. If they didn't worship The Claw before, they certainly do now!

9. What happened to Bo Peep? I guess we will find out in Toy Story 4! 

11 '11 quick movie reviews

1. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes - This is the first Planet of the Apes movie I've seen. I've never seen the original movie or that God-awful Tim Burton one from 2001. But this one was getting good word-of-mouth and thought I would check it out when it was available on Netflix. It stars James Franco who's been testing a drug on chimps to try to cure Alzheimer's which is what his dad (John Lithgow) has. They have to shut down the facility because one of the apes goes balistic and they have to shoot her. Turns out she had a baby and was only protecting him, so Franco ends up taking it home and caring for it. The chimp is named Ceasar and is super smart from the drug. He can solve puzzles and communicate with sign language. However, after he attacks the neighbor (because he is being a bully to Lithgow) he is taken by animal control and sent to a primate shelter where all the primates are being abused by the owner and one of his slimy little workers, Tom Felton, who of course everyone knows as Draco Malfoy. All the apes are created by computers because obviously there's no way they could have used real primates...that would have been a little difficult to have them do what's done in the film by the CGI ones. I have to be honest...while somebody has mad skills with the computers, all the apes still looked exactly like that...like computer apes. The main ape is played by Andy Serkis in the same vein as he played Gollum in Lord of the Rings. The orangutang was my favorite...he was really cute! The gorilla scared me the most, probably because I had a horrifying experience with a gorilla when I was little. Not a real gorilla, but an animatronic one. I used to go to this kiddie place called ShowBiz Pizza (kinda like Chuck E Cheese...do they even still have those around?) and they had a stage where a band of different animals (some animatronic, some people in costume) would play different instruments. You had your cute little bunny or doggie or friendly lion or whatever, and they you had this HUGE gorilla. He was taller and wider than all the other animals, so he was very intimidating and it scared me so much! The gorilla in the movie is much bigger and more aggressive than the other primates and has to be kept in a special cage when all the other primates are playing together. Of course, he's the one who ends up sacrificing his life for Caesar. There's a little teaser at the end of the movie that hints that there may be a sequel...or maybe not because it shows that a virus has spread around the world and is killing people in droves...kinda like Contagion.

2. Beginners - The beginners in question are Christopher Plummer and Ewan McGregor who play father and son in this coming-of-age film. After Plummer's wife dies, he admits to his son, that, at the age of 75 he is gay and wants to live the remainder of his life as who he really is and has a relationship with a much younger man played by Goran Visnjic. Plummer's scenes are told in flashbacks because he has already died of cancer in the film's "real time" which focuses on McGregor and his relationship with a woman played by Melanie Laurent. It was a sweet little movie with a cute little dog to boot.

3. Friends With Benefits - Dear God in heaven, what idiot came up with the bright idea to have Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis star in a movie where they're naked most of the time?! God, they are so hideous! Calm down, people, I'm just joking. If anything, this movie will make you feel even more insecure about yourself because both actors are ridiculously gorgeous and have the added benefit of being rich so they can afford a trainer. Oh, and I'm sure the airbrushing department helped too.  They're not really friends in the movie, though. They've just met through work so they're more like co-workers who decide to have casual sex with no strings attached (hey, the name of that other movie with the same plot!) so it should have been called Co-Workers With Benefits, but that would have been weird. Kudos to this movie for reminding the world what an awesome song "Closing Time" is. (By Semisonic, NOT by Third Eye Blind :-))

4. Kung Fu Panda 2 - I thought the first Kung Fu Panda was really cute and charming and this one is no different. When it comes to Pixar vs. Dreamworks, I am always Team Pixar; the only animated movies from Dreamworks I've ever enjoyed are the Kung Fu Panda movies and How to Train Your Dragon. In the sequel, we are once again introduced to Po the panda (Jack Black) and his team of fighting animals: the tiger (Angelina Jolie), the monkey (Jackie Chan), the snake (Lucy Liu), the praying mantis who is so strong that he can hold a panda back (Seth Rogan), and a crane (David Cross). Po finds out that he was adopted (pretty obvious since he was raised by a goose) and wants to find out who he really is and where he came from. The villain in this film is a peacock voiced by Gary Oldman. And just like a real peacock, he was also strutting around and acting vain. By the looks of how the movie ended, they definitely have a third movie set up. (It turns out Po's father - his real biological panda father - is still alive).

5. 30 Minutes or Less - Jesse Eisenberg plays a pizza delivery boy who finds himself in a situation where these two idiots who need money have knocked him out and strapped a bomb to him and tell him if he doesn't get them $100,000, he's going to be blown to smithereens. Aziz Azari plays his friend who tries to help him rob a bank. There were a few funny moments (like him speeding to the houses so nobody gets a free pizza), but for the most part the movie is filled with stupid racial and homophobic jokes.  Okay, I did laugh when one of the idiots calls Aziz's sister "Slumdog".  Only see this one if you can see it for free.

6. Crazy, Stupid Love - I didn't love this movie as much as all the critics did, but it was an enjoyable watch. Steve Carrell and Julianne Moore play a couple who split up after he finds out that she's had an affair with someone she works with. Carrell, who plays a bit of a doofus, spends some time at a bar to try to pick up women and gets some help from Ryan Gosling who is a certified smooth-talking ladies' man. Carrell soon starts picking up women and starts a relationship with Marisa Tomei, who turns out to be his son's middle school teacher. Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling makes the moves on Emma Stone who's already in a lackluster relationship with Josh Groban (in what I believe is his first movie role). Carrell's son is in love with his baby-sitter, who in turn, is in love with Steve Carrell. I didn't buy that at all because what teenage girl would have the hots for some goofy older guy? There's a little twist at the end that I won't spoil.

7. Cowboys and Aliens - You think a western/sci fimovie with Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig (Indiana Jones and James Bond, for God's sake) would be awesome, but no, it was just as bad as all the critics said it was. The concept was cool, but they just couldn't get there. Skip this one, folks.


8. The Hangover 2 - Everyone was right when they said this is an exact replica of the first one, only it takes place in Bangkok instead of Vegas and there's a monkey instead of a tiger. This time the gang is in Thailand for Stu's (Ed Helms) wedding and once again he, Phil (Bradley Cooper), and Alan (Zach Galafanakis) get drugged and spend a wild night and forget everything they did when they wake up the next morning. Stu's fiance's little brother was with them and he's the one they lose and need to find. (Of course they check the roof first since that's where they found Doug in the first movie). There were some funny lines, but you'd be better off watching the first movie. I really don't understand how you could be so stupid that you get that s***-faced twice! And now I heard they're making a third one. God, please, no!

9. Our Idiot Brother - Paul Rudd plays Ned, the "idiot brother", his three sisters are played by Zooey Deschanel, Elizabeth Banks, and Emily Mortimer. After Ned sells weed to a cop (in uniform!) he loses his job and his girlfriend kicks him out of their house after he returns from jail. To make matters worse, she has a new boyfriend and is keeping Ned's dog, Willie Nelson. Ned seeks help from his family, but only makes matters worse. He finds out one of his sister's husband is cheating on her, accidently tells another sister's girlfriend that she cheated on her with a guy and is pregnant, and messes up the friendship of the third sister with this guy she knows. Of course his intentions are good, but he doesn't know that he's not always helping. The scene that made me laugh the most was when he was on the subway and is counting a big chunk of money while everyone is staring at him. He drops his bag and gives the guy next to him the money to hold while he picks up the things from his bag. The guy is just looking dumbfounded at everyone and it looks like he wants to bolt, but he doesn't.

10. Abduction - This movie did not make any sense. I was confused throughout the whole thing. It stars Taylor Launter, who is a horrible actor but does have some charisma, I'll give him that, as a high school senior, who, while doing a project for a class, finds out he is in the database for missing children. Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello, his "fake" parents are killed off by the bad guys who are alerted when Launter accesses the missing children database. In a plot I don't fully understand, Launter's mom was attacked and killed in Paris when he was a toddler because....uh.....I don't remember. I honestly don't know why. Well his dad is still alive and he has some list that the bad guys want...IDK. This movie was so effing stupid! I thought it might be good because it was directed by John Singleton and it has Jason Isaacs in it! Alas, he does not last long in this movie.... Lily Collins (I believe she's Phil's daughter) plays Launter's love interest and she's always with this other guy who is fighting with her and giving Launter the evil eye, but she tells him that he's not her boyfriend and there's this weird history between her and Launter where they used to be childhood friends, but then they drifted apart. They're also neighbors...sounds like Drive Me Crazy! She really has no use for the movie other than to be arm candy for Launter (and let's face it...he's the prettier one between them!) Sigourney Weaver (another cool person wasted in a crappy film) was right when she tells him that he should get rid of her. The movie was confusing because I was really never sure where they were. It takes place in Pittsburgh, but they (Lautner and Collins) find themselves in Virginia, but then I see Lautner's friend and I'm wondering how the hell he got to Virginia, but they were back in Pittsburgh...uh....HUH? And that happens twice! Stupid movie.

11. Rango - This won the best animated Oscar this year. Johnny Depp voices a lizard who finds himself in a town full of interesting characters that included mice, cats, birds, and snakes. (Still not sure what exactly Beans, his love interest, was suppose to be). He had been used to being alone his entire life and always wanted to be somebody and now gets the chance when he is put in a situation where he has to find out what's happening to the town's water supply.

It's me. Hi. (Ranking Taylor Swift's albums)

Three years ago (on this very same, totally random date!) I ranked Taylor Swift's seven studio albums. Well, now she has added three more (and that's not even counting the re-recordings of two of her previous albums), so I have decided to rank her TEN studio albums.  

Here is a quick recap of my previous rankings:

7. Speak Now 

6. Taylor Swift aka Debut 

5. Fearless 

4. Red 

3. Reputation 

2. Lover 

1. 1989

Now here are my NEW rankings:

(Just a disclaimer before we get started: as I already reviewed her first seven albums before, I probably won't spend too much time on those, so I would recommend reading my original ranking that I linked above if you want to know more of my thoughts about a particular album).

10. Speak Now, 2010

Okay, I know people are going to be mad at me because I know the die hard Swifties LOVE this album, but, honestly, it's never done anything for me. That's not to say I don't like any songs on this album because I do: I really like "Mine", "Mean", and "Long Live". The last song is a great ender for the album and I truly understand why her fans love it so much. I love the line, "It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age."

There are a few songs I'm slowing coming around to. I have a love/hate relationship with Enchanted. While it is a pretty, dreamy, fairy tale, Disney Princess-esque song, it also is a tad eye-roll-y. It also cracks me up that it's about the dude from Owl City. It's like...what? 

I used to really dislike "Dear John", but I find it interesting, though "Would've, Could've Should've" from her most recent album eats that song for breakfast...WOW! I'm really interested to hear "Dear John" when she re-records the songs from Speak Now. In my last review, I criticized "Dear John" for being too long and boring, but I don't think that anymore. I think her re-recording is going to make me appreciate that song more. 

I do think "Last Kiss" and "Innocent" are still boring. You would think the latter should be anything but because it's about Kanye West, but yawn! I think it may be my least favorite TS song of all time. "Back to December" doesn't do anything for me either, but it's okay. 

Another song I don't like, but I'm really interested to hear when she re-records Speak Now will be "Better Than Revenge." That song was not one of her finest hours. Not only is she being petty in the song, but she's just being downright cruel with lyrics like, "She's an actress, she's better known for things she does on the mattress." Yikes! Will she change/delete those lyrics? Will she keep the song the same, but issue an apology? Will she just leave the song off the album? I am DYING to know and will listen to that song first once that album is released! 

All the other songs on the album I didn't mention are just meh. 

9. Taylor Swift aka Debut, 2006

This is her debut album. I have to admit I hardly listen to this and probably the last time I did listen to this was three years ago when I did my original TS album rankings.  I like "Tim McGraw", "Teardrops on My Guitar", "Our Song", and "Mary's Song (Oh My My)". The last song is criminally underrated and is absolutely adorable without being too saccharine. Well, maybe it's a tad saccharine. But it sure is darn cute! 

"I Should've Said No" and "Picture to Burn" are catchy little bops. I was pretty down on the latter in my 2019 review because of the cringe-y line, "So go on and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy, that's fine. I'll tell mine you're gay." When I first ranked her albums, I was listening to the ones that I had bought, but now I'm listening to them on Apple Music and while listening to that song, noticed the lyrics had changed to, "So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy, that's fine. You won't mind if I say, by the way." Apparently she changed it in 2008. I always listened to this song from the original album until very recently, so that's why I always heard the original lyric. I think I remember hearing she had changed that lyric, but didn't realize when. I think it was very smart of her to change it, especially since this is the same artist who will write and perform "You Need to Calm Down" in the future.  

"Stay Beautiful" is a cute little ditty, "Cold as You" is okay. All the other songs - "The Outside", "Tied Together With a Smile", and "A Place in This World" are totally forgettable to me. I even had to look at the album list to remember what these songs were called. 

8. Fearless (2008)

Okay, first of all, I love that she's re-recording her albums because I think she sounds crisper, her voice has gotten better, vocally, and just the overall quality is better. So I think FearlessTV is better than the original. That said, I still can't rank this higher because I just prefer the other albums I haven't ranked yet to this one. And that's saying something because I love "Love Story", "You Belong With Me", and "Breathe." "Breathe" is probably in my top ten of TS songs (I really need to sit down and do a ranking of my top ten TS songs, but that is so, so, so hard!) It was my favorite TS song until "All Too Well" came into existence. Count "Hey Stephen" as another of my favorite songs on this album; I've always enjoyed that song. 

 

7.  Red  (2012)

"All Too Well" is my favorite TS song of all time. (I know, how original!) "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is my favorite first single of hers (although there are other contenders!) "Starlight" and "22" are fun bops. The album starts strong with "State of Grace", "Red", and "Treacherous". All the other songs, I can pretty much take or leave, ranging from it's okay to meh. I pretty much skip all the songs I haven't named.  I may have been a little harsh on "Begin Again" in my first ranking, but I still think it's one of her weaker album enders. I mean, at least compared to some of her other album ending songs.

However, when you add the bonus songs and the vault songs, I think it catapults the album a little more. "The Moment I Knew" is a bonus song I really like. The vault songs are ridiculous! (And I say that as a good thing!) "Better Man" and "Babe" were originally supposed to be on the original Red album, but they didn't make the cut so she gave them to Little Big Town and Sugarland, respectively. Okay, I actually think "Better Man" sounds better with Little Big Town singing it (not that Taylor's version is bad at all), but I'm kind of on the fence with "Babe". Both versions are really good. Taylor and Jennifer Nettles have very different voices so you're hearing the same song with distinct voices. Of course, with the Sugarland version you get both their voices since Taylor sings the background.

And don't get me started on the ten minute version of "All Too Well!" How long have we known there was a ten minute version out there? No, seriously, I'm asking. I'm honestly surprised she didn't wait to release Red as the final Tayor's Version album because getting the ten minute version of "All Too Well" has to be one of the top things her fans have been waiting for with bated breath. Not only did we get the song, we also got a video, excuse me, short film, for it! Now the real question is: do you associate Sadie Sink with "ATWTMV" or "Running Up That Hill?" 

I love the part where she goes, "YOU, that's what happened, yooooooooouuuu-oooouuuuuuuuuu." I also love the ending is pretty much a two-minute slow burn.

 

Even though there are some amazing songs here, this has to be her least cohesive album, she's got a lot going on here. There are a lot of songs I skip that I just couldn't place it too high.

6. Midnights, 2022

With her most recent album, I wasn't really sure where to place it. I like it, but I don't LOVE it. It's still fairly new, so it has the potential to go up a spot in the future...but just one spot. My top four is pretty rock solid. This is the first album on this list that wasn't on the original ranking I did, so let's go through the songs one by one:

"Lavender Haze" - I see a lot of people claiming this song as their favorite Track 1, but for me, it's probably in the middle. I mean, it's no "Mine", "State of Grace",  "Welcome to New York", "The 1", or "Willow" (Track 1s, I like better than this song - btw, I feel like I'm the only person who loves "WTNY"). I like this song fine; the drums are really cool. Reminds me of the cool drums in I Think He Knows. I have no idea what "Lavender Haze" exactly means, apparently she heard this phrase on an episode of Mad Men, a show I haven't seen. 

"Maroon" - I really love how this song sounds, but it sure is wordy! 

"Anti-Hero" - This was a good pick for her first single; it's very catchy and upbeat and the "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me" lyrics are very ear-wormy. I think the lyrics to this song are very clever. I know a lot of people don't like the "sexy baby" line, which I get, it is super weird even though I know she's not referring to a literal baby. Honestly, the one lyric I'm not a fan of is "At tea time everybody agrees." I get that is rhymes and flows with, "It's me, hi," but this is going to age so poorly in the future! You know how nobody says "YOLO" or "FOMO" anymore (are those supposed to be capitalized? IDK)? I feel like that's going to be the same with "spilling the tea" in the future. But it's just a stupid little nitpick. I like how lets the s linger in the last chorus of "everybody agreesssssssssss."

"Snow on the Beach" - This is the song that features Lana Del Ray and the first time I heard it, I did not hear her at all. I was expecting her to have her own verse, but nope, she's just singing in the background. The next time I listened to it, I definitely heard her. She has a very distinct voice. Now I can probably only name three LDR songs, so I didn't really care that much she didn't have her own verse. This song is...not my favorite. I mean, it's okay. I think the "weird but f***ig beautiful" line is a bit jarring. Taylor cusses a lot on this album and this song probably gets the most cursing since it's in the chorus. It feels like she's trying to be cool and edgy. It kinda reminds me of how she kept talking about how she can drink alcohol in Reputation. I know she first started bringing out the swear words in Folklore and Evermore, but I feel like when she did that, it was more effective and impactful and it made sense for the cuss words to be there, but in this album (especially this song) it just feels forced, and, like I said, she's trying to be cool. LDR is listed as a writer on this song, so it's very likely she was the one who came up with the oh-so-thought provoking line, "weird but f***king beautiful." The edited version is actually better where they sing, "weird but it was beautiful". I think it flows better and it's not jarring and doesn't take you out of it. Somebody on reddit said they were disappointed that this song wasn't about cocaine. I know they were joking, but that had me laughing. 

"You're on Your Own, Kid" - The more I listen to it, the more I like it. 

"Midnight Rain" - Okay, if this song didn't have that weird distorted voice, I would like it a lot more. The weird distorted voice (which, apparently is Taylor's voice) just sounds sooo weird and takes me out of the song and it's the first thing you hear! At first, I thought maybe it was Jack Antonoff's voice because it sounds like a male voice. I knew it was clearly not someone's real voice because it's very obvious it's been filtered through a computer program. This weird distorted voice will show up in other songs, but it's the most prominent in this. It's like, Taylor, stay away from the electronic devices.

"Question...?" - I didn't like this song at first and I couldn't quite place my finger on why. It sounds like something that would be on Lover and (spoiler alert) I love that album. It could be that it's a bit on the juvenile side but so is"Bejeweled" and (spoiler alert) I like that song. I am coming around to it the more I listen to it. 

"Vigilante Sh*t" - This sounds like "Mad Woman" if it was on Reputation, if that makes any sense. While this song has a cool beat, "Mad Woman" runs circles around it. I feel like she was a little pretentious and trying to be edgy when she titled this song. She literally only says "vigilante sh*t" once in this song. She should have named it "Revenge" because she says that word about 300 times throughout the song! 

"Bejeweled" - I already mentioned I like this song. I love the way she says "Nice!"; it made me lol the first time I heard it. It has some kind of instrument (I'm terrible with trying to identify instruments) that evokes shimmering jewels. It's a fun, upbeat song with a catchy chorus. If I have to give a complaint, it would be "Familiarity breeds contempt, don't put me in the basement when I want the penthouse of your heart" is a little clunky (and a little hokey, let's be honest). Also, while looking at the lyrics, I heard 

And when I meet the band

They ask, "Do you have a man?"

I can still say, "I don't remember"

as 

And when I meet the band

They ask, "Do you have a man?"

I can still say, "I don't", remember.

See, same words, but I heard the grammar differently! Like she's telling the guy, remember, I CAN tell the band I don't have a man. I think my way makes more sense. Who's going to forget if they're in a relationship? 

"Labyrinth" - This song is...okay. It has a very ethereal sound to it. I can't think of another song where her voice is high-pitched through the majority of it, but I'm probably missing an obvious one. There's also this weird sound that you hear every once in awhile. To me, it sounds like a horn fart...I really don't know how else to describe it. It's like this little "toot", if you will. Someone else on Reddit described it as a baby elephant which is also pretty accurate. It's just this weird, random noise and it distracts me from the song! Also, I wonder if Taylor really is scared of elevators, or, more likely, she was just using it as a metaphor. 

"Karma" - I love this song! OMG, when I was reading Reddit comments about this album, somebody posted Karma is a cat purring in my lap because it loves me! in font that size. I just laughed and of course I gave the comment an upvote! That is the most TS line if I ever heard one. Someone else on Reddit was complaining that she talks about her cats too much in her songs! WTF? She has only literally mentioned her cats in TWO songs (if there's others besides this one or "Gorgeous", let me know!) You know, when I think of karma, I think of it as having a negative connotation, but she sings it as a positive attribute (though not so positive for her foes!) I love the way she sings, "It's coming back.....around." I mean, I love the whole song, what's not to love? I think I just convinced myself this is my favorite song on the album. 

"Sweet Nothing" - This song is a sweet piano ballad, but if I'm being honest, it's usually a skip for me. 

"Mastermind" - So technically, if we're not including the 3 am songs aka the bonus songs, this is the closing song to the album. To me, this does not feel like a closing song for her album. Don't get me wrong, I do like this song, but it does not have the epic feeling or finality or sentimentality like a "Long Live" or "Clean" or "Daylight" or "New Year's Day" has. I also have a little quibble with this song: it totally contradicts "Invisible String"! That song is about how fate brought her and her boyfriend together; this song is about how she was the one who brought them together. Although I doubt a super-talented, extremely successful world-famous singer had to do that much to convince a not at all famous actor (I'm sorry, but he's not!) to fall for her. I do love how she manages to get the word "Machiavellian" in this song. Such a scholar, that Taylor Swift! 

There are quite a few bonus songs on this album. I always wonder why some albums don't have bonus songs (like Reputation) or some have a lot (like this one) of just one or a couple (like Folklore or Evermore). I really don't get how it works. 

My two favorite bonus songs are "Would've, Could've, Should've" and "Dear Reader". The former is a big sister to "Dear John" (and a much better song, IMO). It's a pretty powerful song. "Dear Reader", is the last song on the album (if you're listening to the 3 AM edition) and it feels more like a TS ending song, so I really like it. She uses the weird voice that she uses on "Midnight Rain" and "Labyrinth" (it's like, Taylor, put the vocorder (or whatever it's called) down!). However, and I know I'm being a total hypocrite here, but I really like how it's used in "Dear Reader!" I think it works! Maybe its because it's more in the background and the deep/distorted voice eventually becomes her voice while in the the other songs, she either starts the song with the weird voice or she's singing the chorus in so it's way more prevalent. IDK, I just don't mind it that much in "Dear Reader". 

Even though I'm impressed she rhymed "Paris" with "somewhere else", "Paris" and "Glitch" are my two least favorite bonus tracks. The line "All the outfits were terrible, 2003 unbearable" reminds me of something The Black Eyed Peas would sing. Probably because they sing that "I'm so 2008, you're so 2000 and late" line in one of their songs. "Glitch" just sounds weird. I get that's the point, but, eh, I'm not a fan.

5. Evermore (December 2020)

This is the sister album to Folklore, both released in 2020. I like Evermore, but I think Folklore is the superior album. I will say that I like "Willow", the first single from this album better than "Cardigan", the first single from Folklore (of course I still like "Cardigan"!) 

I do wonder if I would have liked this album better if it had come out before Folklore, but I don't know. 

I already mentioned I love "Willow", but if I had to choose my absolute favorite song on the album, it would be "Ivy." An amazing song I barely hear anyone mention or bring up when they're talking about their favorite TS songs from this album. This song seems to be as underrated as "Breathe"; another amazing TS song that never seems to be part of her discography greats conversation. 

I also love "Marjorie", which is about her grandmother (who passed away before Taylor was famous). I have to say, it's always a nice change of pace when she sings about something other than romantic love or heartbreak. According to the Wikipedia article (which was probably written by a Swiftie) the lyrics, "Never be so kind, you forget to be clever; never be so clever, you forget to be kind" was advice her grandmother gave to he and she incorporated it into the song. There's also "Never be so polite, you forget your power; Never weild such power, you forget to be polite." This woman had some very good, sound advice! This song is a very sweet tribute without being overly saccharine. It just feels very real to me. 

I love "Goodbye, Earl", so it probably comes as no surprise that "No Body, No Crime" is another one of my favorite songs on this album. It's about a woman who suspects her husband of cheating, then ends up missing and her friend (the singer) suspects the husband of killing her. I love the pov change where it goes from, "I think he did it, but I just can't prove it" to "They think she did it, but they just can't prove it" when the narrator tells us she killed the husband as revenge in the bridge and everyone suspects the mistress, then it goes to, "She thinks I did it, but she just can't prove it." This song is pretty much every true crime story where the wife of a husband ends up missing and 99.9% of the time the husband has a girlfriend he was cheating on the wife with. Then the wife is found dead and 99.9% o the time, it was the husband who killed her. When I first heard of this, my mind went immediately to Scott Peterson and the disappearance and murder of his wife. Crime Junkie did this "crime" as a podcast as an April Fool's joke and even Taylor commented about it on their Instagram. I mean, Crime Junkie is a super popular podcast, but I'm sure they were freaking out that Taylor Swift made a comment about that episode. 

I do like the other songs on the album (some more than others - the only songs I'm not exactly in love with are "Happiness" and "Closure". The former just hasn't grabbed me (yet) and the latter has a weird sound to it that isn't totally pleasing to my ears. Nonetheless, these songs aren't totally off-putting or anything). I feel like there's many tracks I'm going to appreciate a lot more in the future. 

4. reputation (2017)

It is an absolute miracle that this album is in fourth place and it beat out two of the three new albums she's released since 2019 (okay, in this scenario I'm not counting FearlessTV and RedTV as new albums, though technically they are, but I just mean albums with all brand new music). I say this because I did not like this album when it first released and it did take me awhile to warm up to it. I think this is because it came after an album that I absolutely LOVED and was obsessed with, so it was going to be hard to top it. (Okay, if you're reading this, you're probably a TS fan, so of course you know I'm talking about 1989!) This album definitely gets the reward for most improved! 

Now I admit I don't feel the love for Midnights as I do for many of her other albums, but I still like it, and I just think she has so many albums that are more superior to it and perhaps I just need to warm up to it. With reputation, I did not like it (except for a couple songs (I remember loving "Getaway Car", but who doesn't love that song?), but now look at it; it's number four! "Delicate" and "Call it What You Want" were songs I did not like (I know, what is wrong with me?) but now are they not only two of my favorite songs on this album, but they're two of my favorite TS songs. 

I was listening to a podcast where the three (maybe four; I don't remember) hosts were ranking her first tracks off of every album. When "...Ready For It?" was being discussed, one of the hosts mentioned they liked the line, "And he can be my jailer; Burton to this Taylor." Well, I just assumed they liked it because of the clever Ricard Burton/Elizabeth Taylor lyric, but no. They had no idea what that line meant, they just liked that she rhymed "jailer" with "Taylor." Oh, boy. Sometimes I forget how young her fans are. Luckily, there was someone else on the podcast who knew what Taylor meant!  

Songs I really love on this album include the aforementioned "Delicate", "Getaway Car, "Call It What You Want", "....Ready For It", plus  "Gorgeous", "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things", "New Year's Day", "King of My Heart", oh, hell, all the songs are pretty good. I've even come around on "Look What You Made Me Do". It's still not my favorite TS song, but I do appreciate it more than I used to. 

Anyway, you can get more of my feelings on this album if you read my original ranking. 

3. Lover, 2019

I really love Lover; I was debating if I should put this at #3 or #2. Honestly, my third and second rankings could swap with each other; they're very close. 

-"I Forgot That You Existed"- Not the best song on the album, but a fun way to get it started and it's only going to get better from here. 

-"Cruel Summer" - One of her most catchy songs, right up there with "Blank Space" and "Getaway Car". How did this not become a single? It should have been the hit summer song of 2019! I love the part where she goes, "He looks up grinning like a devil!" 

-"The Man" - Super catchy. I like the end where they alter her voice to make it sound like she's waking up from a dream of pondering how her life would be different if she was a man. 

-"Lover" -  You can't help but sway when you're singing it. 

-"The Archer" - Very underrated track 5 song. Very underrated track in general. Seriously, I feel like a lot of people either don't like this song or are indifferent to it and I love it! I love the '80s dream pop vibe with the synthesizers and how it builds and builds.

-"I Think He Knows" -  I think I know this song is a banger and I love the drums after the bridge. This might be my favorite TS bridge just for those drums. 

-"Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince" -  Love the way she incorporates the "Go! Fight! Win" into the song as cheerleader chants.

- "Paper Rings" -  I mentioned this in my original ranking - it reminds me of something that would play during the prom scene in 10 Things I Hate About You.

- "Cornelia Street" - Amazing song. I was listening to this podcast where they were joking about the lyric, "I'd never walk Cornelia Street again" because it's a small street in New York and it's pretty easy to bypass if you need to. 

-"Death by a Thousand Cuts" - Another amazing song. I love the plucky instrument. In my original ranking, I said that "I ask the traffic lights it will be all right; They say, 'I don't know'" is my favorite line, which is still true, but I also love the bridge.

-"London Boy" - Taylor lists every famous thing about London! I love this song; it's so cute!

-"Soon You'll Get Better" - Kind of a downer in an album full of upbeat and happy (for the most part) songs, but still a beautiful song, nonetheless.

-"False God" - Such a cool vibe and that saxophone! This was the perfect song for her to sing on SNL when she was the musical guest during this time. 

-"Afterglow"- If I were to rank all the songs on this album, this might be in the lower half, but still a great song and a testament to how many amazing songs are on this album. 

-"You Need to Calm Down" and "Me!" are perfectly fine poppy and fine songs (I personally prefer YNTCD of the two) but I feel like she had much better songs to introduce as singles. 

-"It's Nice to Have a Friend" feels like filler. If I'm being an honest, this is one I usually skip (I also sometimes skip "Soon You'll Get Better" only because it's too sad to listen to.) 

-"Daylight" - Another amazing album ending song for her. I love the echo in her voice. 

Those were pretty short thoughts on each song, but I go into a little more detail on my original ranking. You know, if you need even more to read! 

2. 1989 (2014)

So this was my number one ranked Taylor Swift album since it came out in 2014. As you see, it is been demoted to number 2. (You can probably figure out what my #1 TS album is now!) Of course, this album is amazing and I feel like this is when I became a true TS fan. I had listened to her previous albums and I liked many of her songs, but I feel like this was the first time I truly loved an album of hers, if that makes any sense. That probably explains why her first four albums are ranked in the four last spots. I listened to this album every day for a year. It had so many great singles and so many great songs that could have been singles. Like, every single song on this album could have been released as a single Even the weakest song on this album, "Bad Blood" is still pretty damn catchy. Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone has ranked every TS song (literally an impossible job!) and he updates it every time she releases new content. He ranks everything - even her bonus songs, songs she does for movies, and holiday songs. "Bad Blood" is ranked dead last at #229. It's like, 'cmon. That is not her worst song. Not by a long shot. It's not even her pettiest song (I would give that to "Better Than Revenge"). It's fine to rank "Bad Blood" last if you're ranking her 1989 tracks, but out of all her songs? I mean, I know it's totally subjective, but a song from one of her best albums (and one that won a Grammy for Album of the Year!) should not be ranked DEAD last! 

I still hear her say "Got a lot of Starbuck lovers" when I listen to "Blank Space." I know now that isn't the lyric, but for the longest tine I DID think that was the lyric and while I thought it was a bit odd, I just accepted it. Then one day I looked it up and saw she was actually saying, "Got a long list of ex-lovers". 

"Clean" is not only my favorite TS album ending song, but in my top five....maybe, IDK! It's so hard to choose. 

It still cracks me up that "All You Had To Do Was Stay" (STAY!) is a track five because it is so poppy (and I freaking love it). There is absolutely no way she was aware that her tracks fives, up to the point, were ballads with more vulnerable lyrics. Obviously she figured that out after this album and before reputation! 

Again, if you want to read more about my thoughts on this album, go check out my original rankings.

1. folklore (July 2020)

This is the "indie record that's much cooler than mine", hee!

In a way, I'm kinda glad that another album topped 1989 as my favorite TS album. I think this shows that she can top an amazing album and that's good for everybody. In a weird way, if Covid hadn't happened, this album probably wouldn't have existed (neither would Evermore). She most likely would have gone from Lover to Midnights. So, uh, thanks - oh, never mind, I won't go there! 

I love every song on this album. There's only one I'm not so fond of (but we'll get to that later). Some songs I love more than others, but they're all so good.

This album gets most compared to Evermore which makes sense since they were both surprise albums released in 2020, the only bright spot in a year of darkness! Obviously, I like this album more than Evermore even though I still enjoy that one. In my Evermore review, I pondered if that album had come out before Folklore if I would have liked it better, but I don't know. I don't think so. If I were to do a track battle between the two albums, Folklore would beat Evermore in every one...except maybe Track 1 and Track 10. Even though I love "The 1" and think it's a great way to begin Folklore, I like "Willow" just a tad more...but just a tad! Also, "Ivy" is my favorite track from Evermore, but even so, if it was pitted against pretty much any other song other than "Illicit Affairs", that would be a tough choice! I like "Illicit Affairs", but it would probably be ranked in the latter half of my favorite songs from Folklore.

Obviously one of the big thing about this album is the trio of songs that make up a story. The first time I listened to this album, I honestly didn't even notice it. I think it was when I was on Reddit and several people mentioned it, so of course the next time I listened to the album, I paid extra attention to "Cardigan, August, and Betty." Oh, look, she rhymes "car again" with "cardigan" in "Betty". And who could forget when we connected "Remember when I pulled up and said, 'Get in the car'" from "August" to "Just thinking of you when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intentions. She said, 'James, get in, let's drive'" from "Betty".  I feel like if most artists were going to have a little teen drama mini series in their album, the trio of songs would be in chronological order and they would be in consecutive order. But not Miss Swift! The chronological order of the songs are "August", "Betty", and "Cardigan", but she has "Cardigan" as track 2, "August" as track 8, and "Betty" as track 14. Clearly she made "August" the 8th track for the same reason she made "Seven" the 7th track and "The 1" the first track, then she spaced out the other songs in the trilogy so there were five tracks between them. There is one thing I'm confused about. So in this teen love triangle, we know the players are Betty, James, and the girl James cheats on Betty with in "August." When this album first came out, I know a lot of people speculated the other girl was Inez who is mentioned in "Betty": "You heard the rumors from Inez, you can't believe a word she says." I agreed with the people who said that Inez was just the school gossip and not the other girl. Then, recently, I was listening to a podcast where they were discussing this trio of songs and someone mentioned the name of the girl was August and I was thinking, Wait a minute, I thought August was referring to the month, not a person. Also, the song is sung in her POV so why would she be referring to herself in the third person? I'm pretty sure we never actually learn the name of that girl.

Apparently, Taylor had always wanted to use the line "Meet me behind the mall" in a song which, of course, is used in "August." This gave me a slight chuckle because the line is nothing more than an instruction and she has much better lines in this album like "Tried to change the ending/ Peter losing Wendy" from "Cardigan" or, my personal favorite, "I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere" from "This is Me Trying."

Speaking of which, if I had to rank my top three songs from this album, they would probably be "This is Me Trying", "Invisible String", and 'The Last Great American Dynasty" (but not necessarily in that order!) I love the lyrics and sound of "This is Me Trying" and the way her voice has this dreamy/hazy aspect to it. "Invisible String" is a cute song about how fate, or an "invisible string" brought her and her boyfriend together. (Which is why "Mastermind" is such a contradictory song). I love the plucky guitar sounds, it's just such a happy-sounding song. So I have to laugh because somebody on Reddit (yes, I am a bit obsessed with Reddit, why do you ask?) was bemoaning about how some of her lyrics sound awkward on Midnights because she has them arranged in a way to get words to rhyme. I don't even remember the examples they gave because I honestly didn't think they were that bad. But man, that person must have hated "Invisible String" because she has the lyrics arranged in a certain way that certainly isn't how one would speak, but I personally love it:

"Green was the color of the grass...."

"Teal was the color of your shirt...."

"Bold was the waitress...."

I'm sure there's a term for whatever structure this is. Obviously, this is not how most people would talk, but I think it works quite well for the song and I like it. The only line that is a bit awkward is "Bad was the blood of the song in the cab on your first trip to LA".  Yes, it's fun she's referencing her own song, but I don't understand why she's referring to it in this way (actually, I do understand - she wants to keep the song structure). Also, I wonder if "Bold was the waitress on our three year trip getting lunch down by the lakes. She said I looked like an American singer" is a true story? I wonder if "an American singer" was replaced by "Taylor Swift"? I'm sure if this English waitress knew she was waiting on "an American singer", she probably realized it was Taylor Swift....I mean, c'mon. I feel like you would recognize Taylor Swift if you saw her - she is very tall! I totally bet you the waitress told her, "Hey, you look like Taylor Swift", rather than, "Hey, you look like an America singer." That just seems too vague. Honestly, I bet the waitress just asked her if she was Taylor Swift. Wow, I certainly got off on a tangent, didn't? Is there a Reddit AMA out there with someone claiming to be the waitress who's mentioned in the song? Probably not because how would you prove that? 

I absolutely love "The Last Great American Dynasty" and dare I say it's the most underrated song on this album? I got goosebumps when I first heard it. The first time you listen to this song you're just hearing about these crazy antics this rich woman named Rebekah (not Rebecca like I originally thought) does (like dye a little dog "key lime green" - heh, so apparently it was actually a cat this happened to. Leave it to Taylor, the friend of felines to change it to a dog!) Then the bridge comes:

"Fifty years is a long time

Holiday House sat quietly on that beach

Free of women with madness, their men and bad habits..."

And then you get the money line....

"And then it was bought by me."

Total goosebumps every time I hear that line! It's like a little twist the first time you hear it. It's that line when you realize she's talking about the mansion she owns in Rhode Island. Now I suppose there are little clues like "Rebekah gave up on the Rhode Island set" and "They picked out a home and called it 'Holiday House'". Now, I didn't know the house had a name, but it makes sense. I did know she had a seaside mansion in Rhode Island where she throws (threw? I don't know if she still does) 4th of July parties. If you go on Google maps and type in Watch Hill, RI, (it's located in southwest portion of the state) there is actually a little icon for "Holiday House" you can click on and not only does it give you the address (I'm sure Taylor loves that! Though I do wonder how often she stays there and when she does, you know that place is secured up to the wazoo!), but you can also read reviews of the place...please, like anyone is allowed to visit! It is super funny because all the reviews are just the lyrics to "The Last Great American Dynasty." 

I do love the pronoun change where, in the first verse, when she's talking about Rebekah, she sings, "There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen, she had a marvelous time ruining everything", then, in the last verse she sings, "There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen, I had a marvelous time ruining everything." Nice contrast comparing herself to the previous owner. 

Remember when she sang "Soon You'll Get Better" for that special where a bunch of artists performed something from their home when Covid was going on and everybody was in lockdown? This would have been before this album was released, but can you imagine if she had preformed "Epiphany"? Oh, man, the entire world would be drowning because everybody would be in tears! I have to admit this song was not on my radar the first few listens because it's more of a slow, serious song, but now I love it. While "Soon You'll Get Better" is an emotional song and makes sense why she would choose to perform that one (I mean she can't very well perform "Look What You Made Me Do"!), "Epiphany" was literally written because of Covid. Super emotional song that the whole world can relate to. 

So this is the first album where Taylor gets a bit of a potty mouth and starts cursing. However, unlike Midnights, I feel like the cursing is done in a way that fits the song (or the character who's narrating the song, such as in "Betty" with the line, "Would you tell me to go f*** myself?"). I think one of her best examples of cursing is in "Mad Woman", when she says, "Or does she mouth, 'F*** you forever'." It's very understated, but it's so much more effective than any of the curse words she uses in Midnights. 

Okay, so I mentioned there's only one song on this album that I don't care for and that is "Hoax". It's not her worst song, but on an album of amazing songs, this one falls a little short for me. It's too bad since that is the album ending and usually her last tracks are pretty strong. Maybe I just haven't learned to appreciate it yet. 

Thanks for taking the time to read all that! If you want the TL;DR version, my rankings are:

10. Speak Now

9. Debut

8. Fearless

7. Red

6. Midnights

5. Evermore

4. reputation

3. Lover

2. 1989

1. folklore