Sibling Rivalry

Fred Claus

Director: David Dobkin

Cast: Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kathy Bates, Miranda Richardson, Kevin Spacey, Rachel Weisz, Elizabeth Banks

Released: November 9, 2007

This is a weird movie that doesn't exactly work. The titular Fred Claus (played by Vince Vaughn) is the older brother of Santa Claus (played by Paul Giamatti). The movie begins in the Middle Ages (according to Wikipedia, but I'll rely on it since we aren't given a certain time period) where young Frederick's mother (played by Kathy Bates) gives birth to a very fat baby whose first words right out of the gate is, "Ho, ho, ho." He is named Nicholas Claus. At first, young Fred is enamored with his baby brother and promises to be the best big brother, but over time he becomes jealous of his perfect brother. Nicholas wants to give all his birthday presents to "the poor orphan down the road" and his mother calls him "my little Saint Nicholas." He likes to be "inventive" and slide down the chimney because "the door was locked" and made himself a red outfit.

The movie explains how it went from olden times to present day by telling us Nicholas fulfilled his mother's prophecy by becoming a saint: "It's a little known rule of saint hood, but when you become a saint, you freeze in time, eternally ageless. The rule apples to the family of the saint and spouses, as well." Oh, that seems convenient. So that means Fred has been around 35 for centuries and centuries. You would think he would have some jokes about all the historical events he's witnessed through all the centuries he's been around, but there are none. It's just a way to explain how Santa's been around all the time and how the movie is set in the present. 

Fred lives in Chicago and Vince Vaughn has a couple scenes with kids where he's doing his Vince Vaughn thing where he's just talking a mile a minute, obviously doing his improv thing. He gets into arguments with these kids about Santa. A little girl tells him Santa brought her a TV for Christmas and in return he tells her that Santa's not looking out for her and she should be outside "playing kick-the-can." A young boy called Slam (his real name is Sam) often drops by to visit him in his apartment. He tells Fred that he asked Santa for a puppy, but he doesn't know "how [Santa] will know where to bring [him] gifts this year, because [he doesn't] know where [he'll] be on Christmas morning." Fred asks him if he's ever really though about Santa Claus and tells him how Santa likes the spotlight and craves the attention and adds, "Don't be a cheerleader for Santa...don't drink the Kool-Aid, you're better than that." I did laugh when Slam replies, "I like Kool-Aid."

Apparently, Slam is living alone because his father died and CPS comes to collect him. I'm not sure if Fred knew about this (he did seem surprised when he hears this news). We will check in on Slam a bit later. 

Fred has been dating a beautiful British woman named Wanda (played by Rachel Weisz) for the past three years and he has forgotten that it's her birthday tomorrow. He tells her he didn't forget, that he has a special surprise planned for her. She's a little skeptical because the last time he told her he had a surprise for her, he told her to brush up on her French and she thought he was taking her to Paris, which she's always wanted to visit but instead he took her gambling on a riverboat in Indiana. They get coffee and she asks him to tell her what the surprise is and he says it won't be a surprise if he tells her. It's so obvious he forgot and doesn't have anything planned. Outside, he sees a sign behind her advertising for a new restaurant called Bonsai Palace and tells her he's taking her to this great new place and names the restaurant. It's funny when she says that sounds familiar (probably because she's seen the huge billboard for it!). I'm surprised we didn't see her seeing it when they left the coffee shop, but they cut from the scene while they're still there. She obviously had to see it when they eventually left!  

Fred is involved in some kind of project involving casinos and real estate. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but he needs $50,000 by the 22nd, which is about a month away. It's not really important what the project is (because, spoiler alert, it will never happen); the main takeaway is that he needs the money. He also needs an extra five grand for bail money because he's been arrested for impersonating a Salvation Army Santa and gets into a huge fight with all these Santas.

Fred calls Nick and at first, it seems like a courtesy call, then he tells his brother if he wanted to send him a gift, he could "send $5,000 to the police station on Michigan Avenue in my name." Nick's wife, Annette (played by Miranda Richardson), doesn't want him to do it, but he tells Fred he'll send it to him. Fred tells his brother he's going to give him a gift in return: "I'm gonna give you $10,000 for Christmas in cash." Of course this confuses Nick because how can Fred give him ten grand when he needs five grand? He points this out and Fred just starts babbling, then adds, "Go ahead and send me $50,000 on top of the five." What the hell? How did we go from five to fifty thousand? It sounds like Fred's done a few scams in his (very long!) lifetime! Nick is firm and tells his brother he'll pay the five thousand for his bail, but if he wants the rest of the money, "then you're just gonna have to come up here" where he can earn the money. Fred isn't so sure, but Nick reminds him he's never come to visit. Really? In ALLLLLLLLLLLL that time, in all those centuries, not once he's ever been curious to check out the North Pole and Santa's Village and see how it all works? 

Fred asks him what he would be doing and Nick replies, "Shave reindeer, sprinkle the doodads on the cookies, put the stars where the little guys can't reach." I'm sorry, but this sounds like stuff that won't make him fifty grand! Fred agrees, but tells him he needs to leave by the 22nd and Nick is fine with that. 

While he was in jail waiting for the bail money, Wanda was waiting for him at the restaurant and breaks up with him because he never showed. Or maybe she didn't break up with him, but just said she needed a break. I'm not really sure because (spoiler alert:) they will get back together. 

Santa's head elf, Willy, has come to pick up Fred in the "company car", which, of course, is the sleigh powered by eight reindeer. When
they land in Santa's Village, the Northern Lights are very prominent and there are many elves running around, wearing greed outfits with red and white striped stockings. Fred meets Charlene (played by Elizabeth Banks) who is also known as "Santa's little helper" and she's the one who keeps Santa on schedule. Her nickname is ironic because she's not an elf and a fully grown person. I would love to know her backstory. She's not an elf, so how did she end up there? Is this a Buddy the Elf situation?  There's a weird storyline where Willy has a crush on her, but she never remembers her name and Fred teaches him how to dance and he ends up wooing her and they're a couple by the end of the movie. It's a very unnecessary plot line and Charlene is really not needed in this movie. There's a million elves that live and work in the North Pole; one of them can't do her job? And at least the title "Santa's little helper" would make sense if it was attached to an actual elf! 

Fred is sharing a room with Willy, no, I take that back. He's sharing a bunk bed with Willy. He's on the top bunk and Willy asks him if he would be more comfortable on the bottom bunk, but Fed tells him it wouldn't make much difference. We see his legs hanging from the end of the bed. I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would be! 

The next morning, Willy gives Fred "a full orientation of the gift giving process" (which was ordered by Santa). They enter the work shop which is full of elves working on and making. toys. Willy explains that kids write to Santa to tell them what they want, then the letter are delivered to the North Pole Post Office, "The busiest in the whole world" (and kids can just write "Santa Claus, North Pole" and they're good to go!). The letters are sent to the toy factory where "each and every toy that a child asks for is handmade by the elves...once built, the toys make their way to packaging...the toys are stored until Christmas Eve when Santa delivers them." I loved Fred's dry reply: "Good to know, thank you, Willy."

Nick shows Fred the "Naughty / Nice Department" which "is the key to the whole process, the nerve center of the entire operation." There's a huge crystal snow globe where you can say the name of anybody in the world and their image will appear at that moment. 

There's a "Ten Most Naughty List" with the names of the kids and what they did. I paused to read some of the reasons for these kids being on the top of the Naughty List:

-bit his dentist and his father

-made her teacher cry every day

-gave mother a nervous breakdown

-got teacher arrested at trip to White House 

-toilet papered house of his vice principal

-stole piggy bank from his best friend

-wore same underwear for 17 days

-poisoned fourth grade class hamster 

-locked little brother in closet 

-changed report card grades

I feel like a couple of these should be higher than the kid who bit his father and dentist, who, at this moment, is the most naughty kid in the world. I don't know, maybe the boy who locked his brother in a closet or the girl who (intentionally?) poisoned her class hamster or the girl who got her teacher arrested? What the hell would she be doing to cause her teacher to get arrested? Biting your dentist seems par for the course for a little kid...a dentist sticks their fingers in your mouth, it seems something a little kid would do. 

Nick tells Fred that sometimes kids are both naughty and nice (duh, I feel like that's the majority of kids) and they do "an up-to-date determination." He demonstrate how the snow globe works by saying a name of a random kid and his location. We see a kid in his sister's room just smashing everything with a plastic bat. I think we all know what list he's currently on! 

Fred's job is to review files of kids and either stamp them as "naughty" or "nice." These files also include the letter they sent to Santa. An elf brings him a tall pile of files and he asks if that's it and the elf replies, "Yeah, right. That's just Bethesda, Maryland." As you can imagine, there will be piles upon piles of files all around the room. 

Nick and Annette (remember, that's Santa and Mrs. Claus) are visited by an "efficiency expert" named Clyde Northcutt (played by Kevin Spacey), who has a backstory of hating Christmas and is trying to ruin it for everyone else. He shows the Clauses (Claus's?) a graph of how "the average size of a child's wish list has grown substantially in the last 200 years." The x-axis shows years and the y-axis shows the number of gifts kids ask for. By "present day" 2007, it's up to 25 gifts! Clyde explains, "In the 1800s, children rarely asked for more than one item and usually these items were of an intangible nature - something like a family member's health or the end of war or famine....today, the average child asks for 15 gifts per letter." He tells Nick that his toy line operation is getting "further behind each year...it's simply not good enough." Nick reminds him he doesn't give every child every toy they want as "part of Christmas is being grateful for the things that we can have." Clyde threatens that he might have to shut him down and a new operation will be "based at the South Pole." He tells Santa that he has three strikes. If he can make it through Christmas without three strikes, he'll keep his job. If he gets three strikes, "the entire operation will shut down permanently."  Well, guess what Strike One is? Oh, wait, you wouldn't know because I haven't set the scene up yet.

So while the Clauses were visiting with Mr. Northcutt, Fred was getting tired of hearing "Here Comes Santa Claus" which is the only song they play while the elves are working. Even though they play different variations of it, I would also get tired of the same song being played over and over again. (And they can't play other Santa Claus themed songs like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" or "Up on the Rooftop"?) Fred tells DJ Donny (yes, there is a DJ elf whose only job is to play the same song) that he needs to stop playing the same song because it "becomes like mental torture." Donny refuses to change the song, saying it's catchy. Fred puts him in "the naughty cabinet" and plays a different song. He plays "Rubberneckin'" by Elvis Presley, a song I wasn't familiar with, so I don't know if it's a deep cut in Elvis's discography. 

At first, the elves don't like the song and they're covering their ears, but then they soon find themselves getting into the groove and soon start dancing and cheering on Fred when he starts dancing, front and center. DJ Donny gets out of the cabinet looking mad, but even then he starts to get into the music. 

Clyde and the Clauses are on their way to the workshop as Santa is telling Northcutt the elves are hardworking and dedicated. Now do you see where this is going? When they enter the building, all the elves are cheering on a dancing Fred while all the toys and gifts are getting ruined because nobody is there to work on the assembly lines. It was pretty funny when Fred (a rather tall man) jumps into the sea of elves and crowd surfs. 

Clyde gives Santa his first mark and later we will see him shredding many of the files and letters to Santa the children wrote in a way to frame Fred and for this he gives Santa his second mark.

The next day, Fred tells his brother he didn't do anything with the files. Nick tells him how important they are because without them, they "have no idea what the children want, or whether they've been marked "naughty" or "nice" and how it was Fred's responsibility to keep track of them." 

When Clyde gives Santa his second strike, he feigns concern about Fred and asks Nick if he's "asked for large sums of money recently" or if he's "gotten into trouble with the law?" Nick confirms this and Clyde says Fred is crying out for help and that someone needs to step in and help him. This results in an intervention with the family. Even Wanda is there. At first I was wondering if she knew about Santa being Fred's brother, but my question was quickly answered when he tells her, "My brother is Santa Claus" and she replies, "Yeah, I can see that. The whole thing's been a little bit unusual." For someone who found out Santa Claus is real (and is the brother of her boyfriend) and had to travel to the North Pole (how did she even get there? Did an elf pick her up in the sleigh?), she seems pretty chill about the whole thing. The only slightly funny thing about this scene was Annette saying that her husband was "dangerously overweight" and Nick's mother saying there was nothing wrong with him. 

Fred reminds them that tomorrow is his last day on the job and then he'll go home and be out of their lives forever.

A new kid has taken over "the number one Most Naughty spot" and wouldn't you know it, it's Slam. Fred uses the snow globe to check in on him and we see him in the orphanage with other young boys. One kid asks another kid what he wants for Christmas and he replies, "A family" and the other kid says he's asking for one too. This makes Slam get up from his bed and tell them Santa's not brining them families and that "Santa Claus is a clown. He's a fame junkie." He's basically repeating everything that Fred told him earlier. He proceeds to get into a shoving match with the other boys. One of them tells him he's never getting adopted because he's mean. While not great behavior from Slam, does he really warrant the #1 spot for the Most Naughty Kid? I think Santa is a little incensed that this kid is telling other kids unflattering things about him and that's why he made the #1 spot. 

Fred looks at Slam's letter to Santa (luckily it wasn't one of the ones that got shredded, but really, how many files could get shredded out of the millions and millions of children who have files?) and it's a really cute one asking Santa for a puppy. Fred stamps his file as "nice", then starts stamping all the other letters as nice as well. 

Nick finds out about this and demands to know why Fred marked every nice child as "nice and says they cannot make enough presents for all the kids with three days left and deliver them. This results in him getting his third strike and Northcutt hands him a "notification of termination" card as he says, "You're fired." 

Apparently, Fred was paid fifty grand for stamping a bunch of papers (get me a job in the North Pole!) and he's back in Chicago. He finds a present from his brother and unwraps it to reveal a bird house like he used to make when he was a child. Nick apologizes for cutting down his tree where he hung the birdhouse, which smashed it. Of course, all of this happened centuries ago, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

Fred goes to a support group called Siblings Anonymous which felt like it could be a skit on SNL. In fact, this would make more sense to have it condensed to an eight minute skit rather than trying to make it into a two hour movie. It's basically a group of people (I think they were all men) who have a sibling (they all seemed to be brothers) who is very famous. There's Frank Stallone, Bill Clinton's brother, and one of the Baldwins...I think Stephen. I did laugh when Fred introduces himself: "I"m Fred Claus. I'm Santa Claus's brother" and everyone is just looking incredulously at him. This scene is here for Fred to realize he needs to get back to the North Pole and help his brother. He spends all his money he earned to get back. We see him take a plane, a boat breaking through the ice, being pulled on a sled by huskies, then he snow shoes the rest of the way. Was he not allowed to have Willy pick him up in the sleigh? Did he not tell anyone he was coming because he wanted it to be a surprise? It must have taken him a week just to get there that way when riding in Santa's sleigh probably only takes an hour, if that. (Just speculating.)  

Okay, I guess it didn't take him a week to get there because he returned to Chicago on the 22nd and he's back in the North Pole by the 24th. That's gotta give you some jet lag whiplash! He has all the elves gathered in the workshop and tells them they "gotta make as many presents as they can in ten hours." Ten hours? WTF? He asks what would be the easiest toys to make and they decide on baseball hats for boys and hula hoop for girls. Hmm...are baseball hats considered "a toy"? I would say no. Charlene tells him it's possible to do, but it's not what the kids asked for and he says what's most important is that all the kids get a toy and that someone is thinking about them. 

Nick is in bed because he's thrown his back out and can't drive the sleigh (great timing, Santa!). Fred tells Willy he can deliver the presents, but the elf says he can't because the rule is that "only a Claus can deliver the presents." I'll give you three guesses who delivers the presents.

Fred and Nick have a heart to heart where Fred tells his brothers there are no naughty kids, just that "some are scared and some of them don't feel listened to and some of them had some pretty rough breaks." He convinces his brother that every kid deserves a present on Christmas which is a nice sentiment. 

Northcutt sees the sleigh and tries to stop them from going, but they ignore his orders. Once they begin their descent, Willy tells Fred (wearing the Santa suit, of course) they only have ten hours to deliver and they need to be done "by 5.39 a.m. North Pole time", which is sunrise. That doesn't seen like enough time to me. 

Willy gives Fred Claus a few pointers and advice like it won't be pleasant going down the chimneys and to eat the cookies because "it hurts people's feelings if you don't eat the cookies." I can confirm this is true. I feel like there was one Christmas where the cookies were still on the plate when I woke up in the morning  and I'm pretty sure my feelings were hurt! Fred delivers all the presents in a Christmas montage sent to "Christmas Wrapping" (underrated Christmas song if you ask me). 

When they get to Chicago, he stops to chat with Slam. He's sitting so he's not facing Slam and the floppy part of his hat is covering his face so Slam can't see him. Although you would think Slam would be able to recognize Fred's voice. It's a nice moment when Slam says, "Santa, you found me" and "Santa" replies, "Yeah, I found you. I find all the good kids." He takes a puppy out of his bag (hmm, if I were one of the kids who got a baseball hat or hula hoop I'd be a little irritated that this kid gets a puppy!). "Santa" tells Slam he got some advice a little while ago and that he shouldn't heed it and gives him new advice: "The world is what you make it...I want you to believe in yourself, Slam, cause you got a lot to believe in."

Slam will have a happy ending and by the next Christmas he will be spending it with a family who adopted him. 

We also find out Clyde has a backstory where he made the Most Naught List in 1969 because he would get into fights with kids who called him "four eyed Clyde" (because he wears glasses, you see) and he was mad at Santa because he had asked for a Superman cape the year before that he never received. I feel like the whole Christmas-hating Clyde was unnecessary. Fine, he can still be the efficientcy expert and he can still threaten to shut down operations, but have Fred be the cause of Santa getting all three strikes (he already was the reason he got two strikes!) and then Fred makes it up by delivering the presents and saving Christmas. 

There's a very sentimental scene at the end where all the elves and Mr. and Mrs. Claus are watching the kids open their presents the next morning on the snow globe. It's set to a melancholy "Silent Night" sung by Sinead O'Connor. It's a sweet scene, but the tone doesn't seem to match the movie. Fred also joins to watch and Nick tells him, "You are the best big brother anybody could ever ask for." 

Fred surprises Wanda with the trip to Paris she's always wanted and they take Santa's sleigh around the Eiffel Tower. Everyone is happy. Whoopty doo.

The sad thing is, I gotta couple more Christmas movies to review and this might be the best one of the bunch which is saying a lot! 

What's in the Box?

Se7en
Director: David Fincher
Cast: Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey
Released: September 22, 1995

Oscar nominations:
Best Film Editing (lost to Apollo 13)

Seven (I'm not writing Se7en throughout this!) is similar to an arc you would see on a show like CSI: or Bones (in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they did have an arc like this on CSI:) but just with bigger names, more cursing, and a little more (but not that much more) gruesome deaths. I had never seen this movie before, but I was well aware of the big spoiler at the end. (Don't worry, I will post a spoiler warning before I discuss it in case there are people out there who don't know about it).

Detective Somerset (Morgan Freeman) and Detective Mills (Brad Pitt) are investigating a series of murders that they soon realize are motivated by the Seven Deadly Sins. The first murder they come across in this series is an obese man who was forced to scarf down food until his stomach exploded. This is literally something you would see on an episode of CSI:; in fact, I'm sure they did a storyline about this (the show was on for, like, twelve years and they had about four spin-offs, they've done an episode about everything you can think of!). They don't get the Seven Deadly Sins connection until the second murder which has taken the life of a defense attorney and "Greed" is written in blood in his office. When they go back to the scene of the crime of the first murdered man, they move the refrigerator and see that "Gluttony" is written in grease underneath it. (Now why would the murderer hide that? I guess he was playing mind games with them). Throughout the series of murders, the killer will write down the sin in case they don't know which one it is.

The most gruesome death was the man depicting sloth. He was chained to a bed and literally rotting away. Actually, he wasn't even dead even though everyone thought he was. I'm not even sure how he was still alive. Even though his death (he did eventually die later because there's no way he would be able to live and had swallowed his own tongue so he would't have been able to talk anyway) was the worst (well, there actually might be a death that was worse than this now that I think about it!), it was hard to feel bad for this man because he was either a child molester or a rapist or maybe both, I don't remember. Either way, whatever, he can die a horrible death.

Somerset does some research at the library, checking out Dante's The Divine Comedy and Chaucer's The Cantebury Tales among other material to read up on The Seven Deadly Sins. Hey! I wonder if there's a BuzzFeed quiz out there asking Which Seven Deadly Sin are you? I'm going to check! Guess what? There's a lot of "Which Deadly Sin Are You/Which Deadly Sin Do You Represent? quizzes out there. I took the first one and my result is....drumroll please....ENVY! Oooh! Eh, sounds about right! Here's the link if you want to take the quiz: MagiQuiz

Okay, wtf? I just took the BuzzFeed quiz, Which Deadly Sin Are You? and I got Wrath! Huh? I get the Envy one, but how did I get Wrath? I just answered the question honestly! Let me give you a few examples:
- They asked me which social media site I was last one and I chose Twitter. How does that make me Wrath?
-They asked me what was my choice of drink and gave me a bunch of alcoholic beverages and water and I chose water because I really hardly ever drink unless I'm in a social setting. How does that make me Wrath?
-They asked me to choose a dog and had a bunch of different breeds and you could also choose cat and I chose cat because I have a cat! How does that make me Wrath?
There is literally no answer on that quiz that should have made me Wrath. I mean, I CAN get angry pretty easily, but I blame it on my red hair. We are quick to anger and have a fiery temper sometimes! But none of those questions really gave any evidence to that. In fact, judging from that quiz, I have no idea which Seven Deadly Sin I would be. At least the Magiquiz had questions and answers that made more sense to which of the Seven Deadly Sins one would be. Here's a link to the BuzzFeed quiz so you can how ridiculous it it: BuzzFeed Quiz

OMG! I just took another quiz and this time I got Greed! What is going on here? I am answering these questions honestly, but yet I have gotten three different sins from three different quizzes! And some of these questions even overlap!  Am I Envy, Wrath, and Greed rolled into one? I mean, at least I'm not...uh, what's the worst one? Pride? No, probably Wrath and Greed are the worst! But I thought Greed was good! I'm surprised I didn't get Sloth because I can be pretty lazy at times! Or maybe unmotivated is the better word. Why do you think it's been awhile since I last updated this blog? I bet if I took another one of these quizzes, I would get Sloth! But I'm not taking anymore! Anyway, here's that quiz if you want to take all three quizzes and see if you got three different results just like I did! Playbuzz Quiz

Okay, back to the review. Remember how I said the Sloth guy got the worst death? No, I think it was the prostitute killed by Lust. Killed by Lust, how can that be so bad, you ask? Uh...it's bad if it involves a strap-on that's a blade. Yeah. :::cringes:::: Oh, no. That's so....eugh. I'm glad we didn't see a close up of her. The guy who did it to her said the killer had a gun to his head and made him do it. The fifth murder is a model who represents Pride and she was given the option to call for help, but have her face mutilated or to overdose on pills and kill herself.

I should mention while this is going on, we meet Mill's wife, Tracy (Gwyneth Paltrow) and she confides in Somerset that she's pregnant. (She tells him because she doesn't have anyone else to talk to because she and Mills just moved to New York). Why she can't tell her own husband she's unhappy living in the city and doesn't want to raise a child there, I don't know. Or maybe they do tell us and I just forgot.

They do manage to find their John Doe (Kevin Spacey, whose name isn't in the credits until the end) but rather he comes to them. He has just cut off all fingerprints so there is blood everywhere. Not to mention he's committed another murder. Now if you're keeping score at home, we still have two more murders to get though: Envy and Wrath (the ones I represent, apparently!). Now, knowing what was to come, I already knew what would by the Envy death, but I wasn't sure about Wrath. I mean, aren't all deaths Wrath if you think about it? Unless he kills another serial killer. I wasn't sure where the Wrath murder would fit into all of this. Doe tells the two detectives that he'll lead them to the last two victims and will confess to the murders. He has very specific terms on how he will do this and if they don't oblige by his rules, he will plead insanity. Even though Somerset and Mills are wary of this, they agree to do it, which seems a little ridiuclous they are letting a serial killer get his way, but whatever. He directs them to drive to some abandoned house in the middle of nowhere where presumably the last two victims are. While driving there, Mills (who totally represents Wrath as he is super quick to anger) gets into it with John Doe who's just goading him. Um, stop talking to him, Mills! Don't you see he wants to get under your skin?

Okay, this is probably the best time to stop reading if you don't want to be spoiled because I will be going into spoiler territory now. SPOILERS AHOY! STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED! BECAUSE A HUGE SPOILER IS COMING UP! I HAVE WARNED YOU!!!!!

Okay. I feel like 99% of people are already aware of what I'm talking about, even if you have never seen this movie, but you can never be too sure. When they get to the abandoned house, they see a truck coming their way. Thinking its motives are malicious, Mills keeps his gun pointed on John Doe while Somerset keeps his eye on the truck and makes the driver get out with his hands up. The driver is a deliveryman who was told to deliver a box to this location at seven o'clock (and just a few moments earlier, John Doe had asked Somerset what time it was). Now if I wasn't already spoiled and knew what was in the box, I would have thought it was a bomb. I mean, this was during the time of the Unibomber. I'm surprised Somerset opened the box willy-nilly without consulting a bomb squad. He notices there's blood on one of the flaps and when he looks inside, he jumps back in shock. Now I'm sure if I had no idea what was in the box, the next scene would have much more of an effect on me and I would have had a "Holy Sh!t!" reaction. Mills still has his gun on John Doe and is asking, "What's in the box? What's in the box?" which of course is one of those iconic movie lines. John Doe is very calm in telling him that he was envious of him and paid his wife a visit and that he took a souvenir with him and that her "pretty little head" is in the box. I was sure we were going to see a gruesome prosthetic Gwynnie-the-Pooh head, but luckily we don't. I don't think even Mills looks in the box, which is probably for the best. No reason to upset him even more especially after learning that Tracy was pregnant.

The Wrath killing all makes sense when John Doe turns the tables on Mills and wants Mills to kill him and represent Wrath. By this time, Somerset is running to him, telling him not to do it, that this is what the murderer wants, but Mills, having nothing to lose (and would totally get Wrath if he took those quizzes if they existed back in 1995), kills his wife's murderer. Can you blame the guy?

"I have a wife! And a cat!"

Horrible Bosses
Director: Seth Gordon
Cast: Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx
Released: July 8, 2011
Viewed in theaters: July 14, 2011

If you have not seen Horrible Bosses and plan to, do not, under any circumstance, let anybody spoil it for you. The movie will be all the sweeter if you go in without knowing the outcome. I made a prediction about what I thought would happen and let's just say I was both right and wrong. If you have no interest in seeing this movie, let me just say I highly recommend it and would dare say it's the best comedy of the summer. In fact, it's probably the funniest movie I've seen this year. I swear, I was laughing during every scene.

It seems inconceivable that a movie with such a dark and twisted plot can be hilarious, but that's exactly what it is. Three hapless guys bitch about their bosses one night while out drinking and one of them hypothesize what their jobs, and more importantly, their lives would be without them. Much better, they all agree.

Nick (Jason Bateman) works in an office where his philosophy is if he takes s**t from those higher up, he'll eventually get a promotion. This doesn't happen as his boss (Kevin Spacey) is definitely the boss from Hell. He's not just a jerk at work, but he's a jerk to everyone outside of work, including his wife, who he accuses of cheating on him. (Which he's right about.) He offers Nick a drink of whiskey at eight in the morning and Nick only accepts to be polite, but then his boss chastises him for drinking at such an early time and makes Nick drink this full shot glass of whiskey because he doesn't want to pour it back in the bottle. Of the three bosses, I would say he was the worst in terms of nastiness.

Dale (Charlie Day) works as a dental assistant for his boss (Jennifer Aniston) who sexually harasses him to no end. He's engaged to be married and his boss threatens him that if he doesn't sleep with her, then she'll tell his fiance that he did sleep with her. If the gender roles had been reversed and it was a male dentist harassing his female assistant, I doubt they could have gotten away without making it really uncomfortable and funny. This is still uncomfortable, but there are funny moments. Of the three bosses, I found her to be the most unbelievable. There's no way she could do the things she does in this and still have a job. This is a very un-Rachel Green role for Aniston - you should hear the things she says!

Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) works at a chemical plant and he loves his father figure of a boss played by Donald Sutherland. That is until he suffers a fatal heart attack and his son (Colin Farrell) becomes his new boss. While the old boss took care in how and where they dumped their chemicals, his son doesn't and only wants to make lots of money. He gives Kurt an ultimatum: fire the fat woman and "Professor Xavier" (the guy in the wheelchair) because he's discriminate to fat people and disabled people or he fires all three of them.

When the guys are discussing their bosses that night, they're only half-serious when they say they want to kill them, but then something snaps and they decide to do it. The only one who still has reservations about it is Nick. They decide to hire a hitman so a professional can do it. This is when Jamie Foxx comes in and he has some of the funniest moments in the film. First of all, his name is Mother_____ Jones (I'll let you fill in the blank) and when they sit down to discuss the process with him, Nick calls him by his name as if he were calling him "Bob" or "Steve". Funny stuff. There's a great reveal about Foxx's character towards the end. However, he tells them he's not actually going to do the hit, the five grand they paid him is for him to give them advice on how to do it. This leads the three guys sneaking into their bosses homes, spying on them, and learning anything that will be helpful to killing them (such as Kurt's boss being a cokehead and Nick's boss being allergic to peanuts).

Two of the bosses cross paths and it makes me wish that they could have somehow gotten the third one involved as well to tie the story together, but it never happened.

Yes, a sadistic plot, but hilarious, nonetheless. Highly recommended.

The Negotiator

The Negotiator
Director: F. Gary Gray
Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey, Ron Rifkin, David Morse, J.T. Walsh, Paul Giamatti, John Spencer
Released: July 29, 1998

I had seen The Negotiator about twelve years ago, but hadn't seen it since, so while I remembered the general plot, I didn't remember who was revealed as the bad guy in the end. Danny Roman (Jackson) deals with hostage situations and the film begins with one where he's trying to talk a crazy man from shooting his daughter. You see that he is very skilled at his job and knows how to talk to people to get them to do certain things and the tables are soon turned when he finds his partner has been murdered. Roman is framed for his partner's murder (unfortunately he just so happened to be at the scene when the police arrived because his partner had asked to meet him at this location). Roman knows that someone on the inside had his partner murdered because his partner had information that would implicate this certain someone.

Roman decides to take matters into his own hand and ends up taking the Internal Affairs office of a government building hostage because he knows that's where he'll find something that will disprove his guilt. For some reason I thought he had taken many people hostage, but the only people he's holding is Niebaum (Walsh), the man who he believes knows the truth about who murdered his partner, Neibaum's secretary, a shady fellow played by a pre-famous Giamatti who provides the comic relief, and a cop (Rifkin) who works with Roman. He also takes two more police officers when they come in through the window.

Because Roman is a negotiator, he knows all the tricks his team has planned to get him out of the building and tells them he will only talk to Chris Sabian, another skilled negotiator who works with another police department in Chicago. He believes Sabian is the only one who will be able to understand and help him and he knows Sabian has had a great record as a negotiator with no deaths. Sabian is played by Spacey and he doesn't show up until forty-five minutes into the movie which seems like quite a long time for your second lead to appear in a movie!

As one might expect, there's plenty of finger-biting moments, especially during one scene when Roman is talking to a fumbling police officer while they're waiting for Sabian to appear on the scene. The police officer keeps saying the wrong things to Roman who points this out to him and threatens to kill someone the next time the officer says "no" and Roman keeps baiting him and asking him questions where it's impossible to say "no". (Such as "Have you ever cheated on your wife?)

We know one of the cops on the scene is the one who had Roman's partner killed and is framing Roman. The obvious one would be the one played by Morse because it was established early in the film that he wasn't particularly fond of the way Roman handled the hostage situation and he demands that they take a shot at him every time they have a way to take down Roman. He just seemed too obvious to be the one who was the mole so I knew it wasn't him.

It's kind of funny because when I first saw this movie the only actors I knew were Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey and I was familiar with some of David Morse's work, but that was about it. Now when I watched it a second time, I recognized a lot more people: Paul Giamatti, of course, along with a bunch of actors I recognized from TV: Arvin Sloan from Alias, Leo McGarry from The West Wing, Walter White's brother-in-law from Breaking Bad, Detective Jim Brass (he played the murdered partner) and the coroner guy from CSI. They're all in this movie.

While I think this movie is great and highly recommend it, there is something that bothers me: I understand that Roman wanted to clear his name and see who was really behind all of this, but he had to know that holding people hostage at gunpoint (and not to mention causing some major property damage) wasn't going to be taken lightly and most likely he would have been sent to jail for that, but the movie just ends with him finding out who the bad guy is and going to the hospital for his injuries. I guess he got immunity since he was framed...I don't know...well, it's a good movie nonetheless!

Who is Keyser Soze?

The Ususal Suspects

Director: Bryan Singer

Cast: Kevin Spacey, Gabriel Bryne, Stephen Baldwin, Kevin Pollack, Benicio Del Toro

Released: 8/16/95

Oscar nominations:

Best Supporting Actor - Kevin Spacey (won)

Best Original Screenplay - Christopher McQuarrie (won)

Google "movies with twist endings" and chances are The Usual Suspects will always appear on all of them. While, yes, this film does have a great twist ending and is best known for it, the appeal of the movie diminishes when you watch it a second time, already knowing who Keyser Soze is. The reveal for me the first time I saw this movie was like opening a great birthday present. Watching it again is like opening a birthday gift that you already know what's inside and there's no element of surprise.

Of course, there's always benefits to watching a movie a second time to see if you can spot the clues that lead up to the big reveal, which of course is my favorite scene (and probably everyone else's favorite scene from this movie!). My second favorite scene would have to be the line up. I read that Singer meant for that scene to be a very serious, but all the actors kept cracking up (probably because of the line they had to say; I wouldn't be able to stop laughing either) and finally just went with the funniest take.

There is no one lead in the movie; everyone is supporting. In fact, if there was a lead, it would probably be Spacey even though he won the Oscar for SUPPORTING actor. But I would say he has the most screentime.

And just for fun, I thought I'd share five movies with my favorite twists. If you haven't seen any of the movies I start talking about, I would advise you not to watch any further! SPOILERS!

Looking Closer at American Beauty

This review contains spoilers!

American Beauty

Director: Sam Mendes

Cast: Kevin Spacey, Annette Bening, Chris Cooper, Mena Suvari, Thora Birch

Released: 10/01/99

Viewed in theaters: 3/24/00

Oscar nominations:
Best Picture (won)
Best Director - Sam Mendes (won)
Best Actor - Kevin Spacey (won)
Best Actress - Annette Bening (lost to Hilary Swank for Boys Don't Cry)
Best Cinematography (won)
Best Original Screenplay - Alan Ball (won)
Best Editing (lost to The Matrix)
Best Original Score - Thomas Newman (lost to John Corigliano for The Red Violin)

This was the second time seeing this film since I saw it in theaters.. With a movie like American Beauty there are some things that are hard to forget and I did remember a lot from the film, such as:
-all the damn rose petals in the Mena Suvari fantasies.
-the "dancing" plastic bag. In fact, whenever I see a plastic bag blowing in the wind, I always snicker and think of this movie!
-Kevin Spacey getting shot at the end of the movie by Chris Cooper.
-The house with the red door! If I ever passed by a house that looked like that, I would immediately think, "That looks like the house on American Beauty!"

Of course, it has been a few years since I've seen the movie and there are things I forgot or didn't realize:
-I forgot WHY Chris Cooper killed Kevin Spacey. When Cooper kissed Spacey in the garage, it all came back to me.
-I didn't realize Peter Gallager and Scott Bakula were in this movie. Gallager plays the real estate mogul who's having an affair with Spacey's wife and Bakula plays their gay neighbor, Jim, who lives with his partner, Jim. Hee!
-I knew Allison Janney was in this movie, but I kept wondering when she was going to show up. I had NO idea she played Cooper's wife. She looked really different (long gray hair and looked a lot older) and I didn't recognize her at first, then I started noticing that woman sounded a lot like Allison Janney...then I realized that it was her!

During the '00 Oscars, I was rooting for The Sixth Sense to win, but I knew that was a long shot and really, if any other movie had to win, then AB would've been my choice. I think that if Annette Bening hadn't been up against Hilary Swank that year, she would have won Best Actress, but Swank was pretty much unstoppable (and totally deserving of her win). Although if Bening had been up against Swank in Million Dollar Baby, then I believe she would have won in a heartbeat. (I mean for this movie; I know she was also up against Swank for Being Julia during the '04 Oscars).  I honestly don't know which (Oscar-winning) performance of Kevin Spacey's I like better: Lester Burnham or Verbal Kint.


I rule!

Spacey and Bening play Lester and Carolyn Burnham, a married couple who lives in suburbia America. Lester is in a bit of a slump. He has a loveless marriage, a meaningless job, his wife is always nagging at him, and his teenaged daughter (Thora Birch) hates him. That all turns around when he meets his daughter's blonde and bosomy cheerleader friend, Angela, (Mena Suvari) and starts to have fantasies about her. She motivates him to work out and he quits (more likely get fired from!) his job. Meanwhile, there are some really creepy new next door neighbors. Cooper plays an ex-U.S. marine who is extremely homophobic and Janney plays his meek wife who goes off into space from time to time. (No wonder I didn't recognize her, her character is a far cry from CJ Cregg!) Their son (Wes Bentley) has a fascination of video-taping everything he sees and pays for all his camera equipment by selling dope on the side.

Even though this is a drama, there's definitely a lot of comedy. One of my favorite scenes is the drive-thru scenes where Lester sees his wife in the car with her lover. "Smile, you're at Mr. Smiley's!" LOL. I also loved the dinner table scene where Lester is going on a long rant and ends with, "and I blackmailed my boss for nearly $60,000...pass the asparagus."

I think American Beauty is one of those movies that are better (or at least make more sense) the second time you watch it. There's just so much to absorb the first time you see it. Definitely a must-see.