Volcano

Dante's Peak

Director: Roger Donaldson

Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Linda Hamilton

Released: February 7, 1997

I wanted to do a double feature and review this movie along with Volcano since both these movies came out the same year and are both about erupting volcanoes (much like I did with Armageddon and Deep Impact), but I couldn't find Volcano on any streaming services and I would have to rent it if I wanted to watch it. I've never seen Volcano before (and this was my first time watching Dante's Peak), but I have a a feeling it's not worth paying to see! So, therefore, you're only getting my review of Dante's Peak. So I won't be able to tell you which movie is worse.

In Dante's Peak, we have one of the most forced relationships between Linda Hamilton's and Pierce Brosnan's characters. These two have no chemistry and I don't know why we're worried about making a romance happen when a damn volcano is about to erupt! Okay, I can kinda understand if they might form romantic feelings for each other because he (spoiler alert) does help save her and her children from the volcano and they go through the traumatic experience together, but they're trying to make them a romantic pairing even before all this even happens and they've only known each other for a couple days! 

Rachel Wando (Hamilton) is the mayor of Dante's Peak, Washington. (Before seeing this, I had just assumed Dante was the name of the volcano, hence the title of the movie). Dante's Peak has the distinct pleasure of being the second best place to live in the United States with a population of under 20,000. I want to know which town under 20,000 was voted as the best place to live. This is a very popular touristy place; I guess people like to go camping and hiking here and it is a beautiful part of the country. Even though they have Linda Hamilton in this movie, she has nothing to do besides be a mother to her two children and a potential love interest for Bronsan's character. I don't get it. You have bad-ass Sarah Connor in your action movie and you don't even let her do anything? Oh, wait, she gets to pour and hand out coffee. You see, besides being the mayor, she also runs a coffee shop. The hell? Doesn't she have enough responsibilities with being the mayor of a small town, not to mention a single mother to two children? I realize this is a small town, but you'd think she'd be pretty busy with that. Guess not! 

Bronsan plays Harry Dalton, a scientist who works for the United States Geological Survey. He studies volcanoes and such. We get some backstory that he lost his girlfriend (or maybe fiancee or wife, who can remember) when a volcano erupted about four years ago and she was killed by debris. He has come to Dante's Peak to study the volcano and make sure it's not going to explode anytime soon. It is a dormant volcano that is very close to the town. I don't remember if they told us the last time it exploded, but I'm guessing it's due soon so that's why they sent in the experts. 

As though Mayor Wando's schedule isn't already full, she's the one to drive Harry to the volcano. Her mother-in-law, Ruth, lives in a cabin near the foot of the volcano. I'm not really sure what happened to Rachel's ex-husband. They make it sound like he just left them. Kind of awkward for the mother-in-law. She still has a relationship with her grandchildren, but she's got to face the woman who her son left every time they visit. Rachel's kids, Graham (about 13) and Lauren (about 10) are your typical annoying Hollywood movie kids. Graham is a little rebel and likes to hide out in the mines with his friends (and when Rachel goes to pick him up, I knew these mines would come back in the movie, and wouldn't you know it, I was right!). The minute Lauren meets Harry, she's already asking if he's married and has kids. Pry much, little girl? 

Once they get to Grandma's house, Graham and Lauren are already in their bathing suits, ready to jump into the hot springs. On their way there, Harry starts noticing signs that things are amiss. If you thought the dead trees and the dead squirrels were the worst of it, you thought wrong! In an earlier scene, we see two young out-of-towners who are about to get it on in the hot springs and after the woman exclaims how hot it is, we see lava (I assume, as it was red) spurt from beneath their feet. Graham is about to run and jump in the water (even if the water isn't boiling hot to cook you alive, is it still a good idea to run and jump into hot springs? No, I don't think so). Luckily, at the very last second, and I mean the very last second, Harry is there to grab Graham right before he can leap to his death. You see, Harry already knows something isn't right and his instincts are right when they see the two young adults face down, all bloated and dead in the water. 

Harry tells his boss, Paul, that he thinks it's dangerous and they need to evacuate the town, but Paul doesn't
think anything is wrong and he doesn't want to panic anybody. Look, I understand about not wanting to start a panic, but isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Though this is a tourist town and if they have to close shop, they will lose money. And you know, money is more important than human life. (For the record, I'm being sarcastic there). 

Harry and another volcanologist (named Terry; really movie? Harry and Terry?) are inspecting the rim of the volcano and they have brought along a machine (made by NASA if I remember right) that can measure the seismic activity. Or something. Paul and the other volcanologists are watching all this from their headquarters on the ground on a monitor. Terry sends the robot machine (named ELF which stands for Extreme Low Frequency) a few feet down the crater so it can do its thing. Unfortunately, it gets stuck and Terry needs to go down to get it. He is attached to a rope and Harry tells him he doesn't think this is a good idea, but Terry isn't going to lose this expensive machinery. I predicted that either he was going to die or nothing at all was going to happen and he would be fine and this would just be a fake-out. Well, I was wrong on both counts. He neither dies, but nothing goes smoothy, either. Once he's down, he unclips the rope (I guess it makes it easier to get ELF). Of course, once he does that, a rock slide happens and at first I thought he got completely buried by rocks, but one of his legs get pinned and Harry has to go down and help him. He calls for a helicopter to come get them. Terry has a broken leg, but other than that he'll survive the rest of the movie. (Hope that wasn't a spoiler!) 

From the reading they got from the machine, Paul determines there is no imminent threat of a volcano. Look, I don't know exactly how volcanoes work, but you think there would be some sign of impending doom. (Spoiler alert: there will be an eruption in the near future!) All the volcanologists will be leaving to go back home tomorrow. 

The night before he's to leave, Harry goes to say goodbye to Rachel (and I think he wants to do more than just say good-bye). While they're embracing, Lauren calls for her mother, asking her to bring some water. The water that comes out of the tap is nasty and brown. Harry asks Rachel to take him to the town's water supply and he finds that the water has been contaminated with sulfur dioxide. He goes to Paul's cabin, banging on his door in the middle of the night and tells him he now has proof that the volcano is in danger of blowing. Now is when Paul gives permission for Harry to put the town on alert. "On alert"? WTF? How about we start evacuating everyone?  

Mayor Wando calls a town meeting, but it isn't until like six the next day. These people don't seem to be in any hurry to get the people out of the town. Even if they don't think the volcano is going to erupt within the next couple of hours (oh how wrong they are!), you'd think they still want to start evacuating people right that second because a) might be a good idea to get a head start before that thing erupts, and b), the water is all nasty and brown! How do you drink it? How do you shower? How do you brush your teeth? How do you cook if you can't boil water? How can Rachel serve her coffee with that dirty, nasty, brown water? 

Before the meeting, Rachel calls Ruth to tell her to get the eff out of there, but she refuses to leave. Either she refuses to believe that she is in any danger or she doesn't care if there is an eruption and she's just stubborn  and will "go down with the ship", so to speak. 

Linda and Harry go to the meeting (both of them are headlining it) and leave the kids at home. Well, wouldn't you know it, during the town meeting the volcano erupts and all hell breaks loose. Naturally, people are panicking and making a run for their cars outside to escape. Within minutes, we see buildings collapse and cars get crushed. The roads are soon filled with cars trying to get out of town and we see bridges and roads get swept away, taking the cars with them. I was listening to a podcast review of this movie and the hosts made a good point that while you don't actually see any people die, you see a lot of "car deaths" instead. Oh, we will see people die, but these are characters we've already met.

While their mom was at the meeting (and before the earthquake happened), Graham and Lauren are still trying to call their grandma, but at this point, she's taken the phone off the hook. So Graham gets the oh-so-brilliant idea to take his mom's truck and go up the mountain to get their grandma. What a dumbass. This kid is no older than thirteen, remember. By the time they're halfway up the mountain, the volcano has erupted and their visibility is zero. I laughed when Lauren tells him to make the windshield wipers go faster. Please. Like that's going to help. The air is just full of ash and dust and they can't see anything. Hell, even if it was a clear, sunny day, Graham would still hardly be able to see anything because it looks like he can barely see over the steering wheel! In reality, these kids would have driven straight off the mountain (in reality, anyone in this situation would have driven straight off the mountain!), but no, they make it safely to Grandma's house. Give me a break! 

Harry and Rachel go to Rachel's home to get her children. She's calling for them, but they're not answering. (Did she not realize her car was missing?) She finds a note in the kitchen from her daughter telling her where they went. I love the "P.S. Don't be mad" line. Oh, she is livid! 

There's no way they'll be able to get to Ruth's cabin in a quick manner because all the roads are full of cars of people trying to get out of town or they're blocked by debris and destruction. Since Harry has this heavy-duty truck (it's pretty much invincible from any kind of damage), he decides to drive across the lake. As they drive across it pretty much only the roof of the car is visible. Just as they're about to reach the other end, the car gets stuck in some mud and it starts filling up with water. As he's gunning the gas pedal, the car starts filling up with water. Rachel starts panicking, but Harry remains calm. He has faith that they'll get out of this. When they were halfway across the lake, they start seeing other cars get the same idea and start following him into the lake. There are Hondas and Toyotas and cars that aren't heavy-duty and should not be doing this. But once again, we don't see any of these cars not making it to the other end. In fact, one of them runs (well, floats, rather) into Harry's car and that's how they are able to get out of their predicament. 

They reach Ruth's cabin and find everyone. In an earlier scene, Ruths' dog, Roughy, had scampered out. If you're worried about the well-being of the dog, well, don't. But right now he can't be with them because it would just spell disaster. While they're in Ruth's cabin arguing with her because the old lady still doesn't want to go (so basically those two kids drove up there for absoluetly nothing), a flood of lava breaks down one of the walls of the house and comes pouring in. They all somehow manage to escape the lava, which, okay. Whatever, movie. They run to the lake and jump onto the motorboat. When Graham points out all the fish are dead, Harry knows that the lake is full of acid and warns everyone to not touch the water. He also knows he needs to cross there lake quickly because the bottom of the boat is made of aluminum and it's quickly disintegrating. He tells everyone to not put their feet on the bottom of the boat. This is probably the reason why they don't want the dog in this scene. There's barely enough room for the three adults and two kids on this boat with the limited space they have.

So they're pretty close to the other side, but still have a few feet to go. It's at this moment that Harry realizes that the acid has eaten the motor and they are now stuck. In one of the most WTF moments from the movie, he wraps his jacket around his arm and uses his jacket-wrapped arm to propel them towards the shore. Um, so I guess leather is immune to acid? This is some of the dumbest sh*t I've ever seen. He gets them somewhat closer to shore, but then, with only a few feet to go, Grandma Ruth decides to save the day by jumping out of the boat and pulling it towards the dock. By this time, the water is a little less than waist-deep, so her legs are getting severely burned. Once they're on shore, she can barely walk and Harry has to carry her. At one point she begs him to put her down and he does. This is when we see how badly burned her legs are. The kids tearfully say goodbye to her and she tells Rachel that her son was a fool to leave her. Then she dies a hero. 

Speaking of other characters dying, when Paul, Terry, and the other volcanologists are leaving, they cross a bridge where the water is super high. All of them manage to make it across. Paul (if you remember, he's the one who kept ignoring Harry's warnings about the volcano) is the last to cross and the water is getting higher and rougher. Instead of getting out of his truck and making a run for it (as the others are screaming for him to do), he's trying to get across with his vehicle. Needless to say, he gets swept away and goes bye-bye-bye. 

Harry and the others have found a truck and this truck must be as invincible as his heavy-duty vehicle because they are going through a forest that is just engulfed in flames. The tires catch on fire and everything is fine! This is when Roughy is rescued. They see him standing on a large rock and he jumps into the truck when it passes by him. 

Harry makes a pitstop at his headquarters to grab an emergency locator beacon. (Yeah that might come in handy later!) They realize there is no way out of town and they need to get somewhere safe because Harry has discovered (from looking at his fancy volcano equipment) that they are due to have one more large earthquake. This is when the mine comes back and they drive in it just in time. They manage to be safe from the destruction of the earthquake inside the mine, but unfortunately they are blocked in by the falling rocks and boulders. The car could only go so far in the mine before it got too narrow, so they all get out and walk towards an area where Graham (very conveniently) has water and snacks. Once they get there, Harry realizes that he left the emergency locator in the car and has to go back. Well, that was stupid, Harry. He has to be careful going back, because now rocks have started falling in the cave. His arm gets broken and we even see a bone protruding, oh, god, that is even worse than when we see Grandma' burned legs. When he gets inside the car, more rocks start falling on top of the car and the roof caves in so he's essentially trapped in the vehicle. Luckily, he does manage to activate the locator and his friends, who all presumed he was dead, get this signal and they are able to rescue them. 

So I thought they were rescued the same day, or at least the next day, but according to Wikipedia, it's "days later" when they're rescued. I guess I understand that it's going to take awhile to get there (not to mention to remove all the rocks), but I had no idea it was several days until they were rescued. I guess it was lucky they had all that food and water in there (though poor Harry didn't get any). Rachel is relieved to see that Harry is alive and they kiss in front of everyone and Graham and Lauren couldn't be happier. Yay. Now that question is, where will they now live now that their home has been completely destroyed? Too bad we never found out what the best place to live in the U.S. with a population under 20,000 because I bet that's where they went. I bet it's Mayberry, North Carolina! 

Wedding Crasher

My Best Friend's Wedding

Director: P.J. Hogan

Cast: Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz, Dermot Mulroney, Rupert Everett, Rachel Griffiths, Carrie Preston

Released: June 20, 1997

Oscar nominations:

Best Musical or Comedy Score - James Newton Howard (lost to Anne Dudley for The Full Monty)

I saw this movie when it came out in the theater and saw it on video a couple times, but it had been a really long time since I'd seen it, so I had forgotten a lot of things (although I did remember who ended up getting married at the titular wedding). I also forgot how everyone sucks except for Rupert Everett's character. His name is George and he is Jule's (Julia Roberts) editor and (at the time) closest friend. He is also gay. They seem to remind us of this every half hour in case we forgot. Jules has an editor because she is working on a book. She is a twenty-seven-year-old food critic who apparently sends fear into every chef. The very first scene we see her, she's at a restaurant with everyone in the kitchen looking on in anticipation as she tastes the dish and gives her critique right there to the waiter and tells him, "I'm writing it up as inventive and confident." First of all, pretty sure you have to be much older than 27 to be considered an established food critic. Second of all, why is she giving her critique to the waiter? Third of all, why is she telling anyone her review at all? I assume she writes it for the paper and that's when everybody reads it. There is absolutely no reason for her to be a food critic; it doesn't even come up again in the film. (You'd think they'd want her input for the food at the wedding!) They just do it to give her a glamorous job that won't interfere with the plot of the movie. Speaking of which, we will get into when she gets a phone call from her best friend, Michael (Dermot Mulroney) who writes for Sport magazine. They've only been best friends for a few years and I'm scratching my head as to why they're best friends because she and George seem to have more of a connection than she does with Michael. We find out about Michael through exposition when Jules tells George about him. She met him when they were sophomores at Brown and were hot and heavy for a month when they dated, then she broke up with him because she got "restless". Apparently Michael told her, "The thing that makes me want to cry is I'm losing the best friend I ever had" and she felt the same. Uh, what? They've only known each other for a month and they're calling each other their best friend? Give me a break, we know it wasn't her "friendship" he was going to miss if you know what I mean and I think you do! The closest thing we get to them being best friends is when Jules tells George that they've been there for each other though losing jobs, losing parents, losing loved ones (they're only 28 years old...they're not old at all...how many peoples are dropping dead in their lives? Good lord!), traveling together (that's a little weird...). They made a pact six years ago that if they're 28 and haven't married yet, they will marry each other. Well, guess who's turning 28 in 3 weeks? This is the stupidest thing ever. Why 28? Why not just round it up to 30? And even that is still pretty young. Obviously if they wanted to get married, they would have gotten married instead of leaving it up to some stupid pact. Michael has called her and left her a message to call back so she thinks it's about that and is extremely nervous to call him back. I should mention that there are many scenes when Jules is calling people in public with her big-ass '90s cell phone and I am so, so, so embarrassed for her.

Yes, she uses that thing
in public! 

Since she's been on her book tour, she hasn't had time to talk to Michael in months, but apparently they used to talk every day? Like I said, they just never seemed like best friends, or even regular friends, for that matter. He tells her he has to ask her something "incredibly important" and if she turns him down, he doesn't know what he's going to do. Before Michael even tells her what he's talking about, Jules starts blabbing about the pact which makes me cringe and I am so, so, so embarrassed for her. Luckily, he tells her he also thinks about that night all the time, so at least he knows what she's talking about, but then he tells her, "That's not why I called". Ouch. He is getting married, just not to Jules. No, he's met somebody named Kimmy (Cameron Diaz) who happens to be the twenty-year-old daughter of a BILLIONAIRE. Me thinks Michael may be a bit of a gold digger. I'm going to say it right now: for a billionaire family, they have a pretty mediocre wedding. I mean, it would be nice if you weren't a millionaire, but I was quite disappointed for what a billionaire's wedding looks like. Kimmy's dad owns the White Sox (which I guess is how Michael met Kimmy, being a sportswriter and all) and a cable company. He tells Jules that even though they're billionaires, they're "down to earth people" and that some would refer to them as "salt of the earth." Give me a break. There is no way on Earth you could refer to any billionaire as "salt of the earth." That is the most laughable thing I've ever heard. Like making Jules a food critic, it absolutely makes no sense that they make the family Michael is marrying into billionaires. It is absolutely ridiculous. We will find out they have to be better off than him for a certain storyline to work, but they were reaching quite hard with billionaires. It's not like this is Crazy Rich Asians where being extremely wealthy is part of the plot. 

Not only is Michael getting married, but he's getting married on Sunday, which is four days from now (!!!) He calls it "one of those four day weddings with all the traditional events." What the hell? I have never heard of a "four day wedding." I've heard of "Four Weddings and a Funeral"; but never a "four day wedding." This must be some billionaire thing. Of course he wants Jules to fly out to Chicago to attend the wedding. She's pretending to be all happy for him, but of course she's not because she's jealous.The next day when George drives her to the airport to fly to Chicago (did I mention she lives in New York?), she tells George she has four days to break up a wedding and steal the groom and she doesn't have any idea how to do it. She gets all freaked out and hysterical as she exclaims, "He adored me for nine years! Me!" We get why George is the best character in the movie when he tells her, "I can see why" in a deadpan voice. 

It's a little weird that an almost thirty-year-old is marrying a twenty-year-old who is a junior at the University of Chicago. I get that her being a college student plays an important role in the story, but there's something creepy about a thirty-year-old being engaged to someone who wasn't a teen not that long ago. Of course, I doubt anybody would mistake Kimmy for being twenty. For one thing, Cameron Diaz was 26 when she filmed this. For another, her character has the hairstyle and wardrobe of a forty-year-old suburban soccer mom. Sure, a well-to-do suburban soccer mom, but, sheesh, they sure make her look much older than she actually is

Jules reconnects with Michael at the airport and also meets Kimmy for the first time. I know we are supposed to be rooting for Kimmy because Jules is the villain for trying to break up our happy couple, but good God, I found Kimmy to be absolutely irritating. I guess in a nicer way, you could call her personality, "bubbly". She's all excited and giddy (WHY?) and jumping around when she meets Jules, telling her, "I've never had a sister". Uh, what? She does know Jules isn't Michael's sister so she's not gaining a sister-in-law, right? 

While they're driving, Kimmy asks Jules if she'll be her Maid of Honor because her best friend, the previous MOH, broke her pelvis. Jules is pretty much pressured into it and accepts. Personally, I would never take the job. I would feel very self conscious about being the freakin' Maid of Honor for some billionaire's daughter I've never met before.  They show Kimmy zipping her convertible in and out of traffic and driving like a maniac and just bering oblivious to, you know, safety.  I guess it's supposed to be funny? Oh she could easily kill them all or someone else, oh yeah, haha, that's really funny. I really thought her atrocious driving was going to come back when she and Michael get into a big fight (spoiler alert!) and she leaves in her car. I thought she was going to get into an accident. Not a big one to kill herself or anyone else (it's not that type of movie), but a serious enough one. But no...she's just a terrible drive for comedy's sake, I guess. It  makes no sense why they make her a careless driver. I personally think it doesn't help her case for being someone we should root for. 

They all (including Michael, for some weird reason) go to a boutique for Jules to try on her dress for the wedding. Her dress is totally different from the other bridesmaids and Kimmy tells her, "You wouldn't be comfortable unless you were distinctive", which is something Michael told her about Jules. Good God, she has to stand out so much that her dress has to be different (I mean, it is a different color, different cut, different style, different texture, different length...) from the others? Christ, Kimmy, this is YOUR wedding. Make her wear the same damn dress as the other bridesmaids! I know Jules (rightly) get a lot of blame for trying to ruin the wedding, but Michael doesn't really help matters, either. If anything, he's almost enabling Jules. When Jules is in the changing room, getting her clothes back on, he walks in on her when she's in her underwear (I guess that's why he was there? To have this scene?). She tries to cover herself up by holding her clothes over over and he tells her, "I've seen you a lot more naked than that" and "You look really good without your clothes on." That's kind of a jerky thing to say to your fiancee's maid of honor! Come on, dude. And there will be other scenes where it looks like he's leading her on. In fact, Jules feels like her plan to rip apart the happy couple is already starting to work. 

We will get a scene of Kimmy admitting to Jules that she feels inferior to her because she is "the perfect creature that [Michael] loved for all those years" and that she loves Michael, despite his flaws. Look, no offense to Dermot Mulroney (the poor man's Dylan McDermott?), but he really doesn't have the charisma to make me believe these two women would really be that gaga over him. Plus, his character kinda sucks. But, like I said everyone, except George, sucks. 

When Jules tells Michael he's going to find "that kind of perfection boring day after day, year after year", he tells her Kimmy has a "few good traits"(yeah like being the daughter of a billionaire is a big one, I bet!) and gives the example that when he hugs her in public, he doesn't have to let go right away; she lets him hold her as long as he wants. Cue my eyeroll right here. Apparently Jules isn't big on PDA. She tells Michael, "I've changed. I'm not the girl I once was." 

This movie is probably best known for its musical numbers, including the scene where they go to a karaoke bar. When they enter, Jules tells them she didn't realize it was a karaoke bar which is total bs. Earlier, Kimmy had told her she can't carry a tune (I don't even remember how that subject was brought up), so Jules gets the idea to humiliate her. Now if your fiancee is going to break up with you because you can't sing, I think that says something more about them. This is really just a stupid, mean plot that's going to backfire in front of Jule's face, anyway. Even before she has to sing, I do feel bad for Kimmy because Jules and Michael are talking like old chums, completely leaving Kimmy out and pretty much ignoring her, even when she tries to join in the conversation.  They finally do let her join in and it turns to Kimmy, who is studying to be an architect, tells Jules that she's not coming back her senior year for fall quarter. Since Michael travels all the time for his job, she thinks the most important thing is for them to be together. Another plan starts brewing in Jule's head. This karaoke bar works like no karaoke bar I've ever been to. Usually, you pick out a song from a big book, write it on a slip with your name and give it the announcer and they will put your name on a screen when you're two slots away from going up on stage to sing it. But at this place, a microphone is just randomly passed around and whoever has it can just start singing any song and magically the music will appear even if nobody has no idea what you're about to sing. What the hell? This happens when someone at the next table passes it to them and they tell Kimmy they want her to sing. Jules takes the microphone away from her, telling her she doesn't have to sing and Kimmy looks quite grateful. But then, since she's so petty and vindictive, Jules fools her into singing. Well, maybe that's not fair since Kimmy wasn't required to sing. She could of just passed the microphone on to the next table and everybody else in the room would have forgotten about her. But she takes it and starts singing "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself" by Dusty Springfield. She sounds horrendous, but I was shocked by all the patrons booing her and yelling out she sucks. Um, that kind of behavior would never be tolerated at a karaoke bar. Also, what do they expect? Most people in karaoke bars sound terrible when they sing! The absolute worst is when you have to sing after someone who sounds amazing. But Kimmy continues singing and soon people are applauding her and Michael is looking at her in admiration. Even Jules has give it up for Kimmy as she starts clapping along to the music with the other patrons. 

With the information about Kimmy not continuing college, Jules tells Michael she's surprised that Kimmy hasn't talked to her dad about offering a job to Michael so he's not traveling all the time. If I were him, I would tell her to mind her own business. She later tells Kimmy that Michael would rather "run a piece of the PR at a powerful complex conglomerate like your father's." If I were Kimmy, I would ask Michael about this and tell him it was Jules who told me this. But of course that doesn't happen. Instead, Jules comes up with a plan. She makes it seem like it was all Kimmy's idea, but of course it was Jules. When the three of them are out to dinner, Kimmy tells Michal her father needs a favor. He needs him to help out with public relations for six month because her dad is "reorganizing some of the divisions of the company." I'm not really sure what her dad does, but that's beside the point. Nothing in this movie makes sense. Michael is not happy with this arrangement which makes Kimmy angry because she thought that's what he wanted (since Jules told her) and tells him, "I'm supposed to drop out of school? Forget my family, forget my career, forget about all the things I had planned for my life?" Michael retorts back that even though his job is low paying and gives him no respect, he happens to love it (why?). Well, no wonder poor Kimmy is so confused. During her talk with Jules earlier, Jules had assured Kimmy that he despised his job and would be more than willing to help out his future father-in-law. Kimmy gets upset and starts to cry when Michael accuses her of thinking he's not good enough for her. They've now both ignored Jules who is just sitting back, pretending to look concerned, but is trying to keep a big grin off of her face. However, her fake concern is replaced by real concern when Michael and Kimmy quickly forgive each other (after Kimmy begs him to forgive her even though she did nothing wrong). That's the quickest fight I've ever seen! Once again, her plan has backfired. 

There's an ongoing theme of Jules calling George whenever she needs his help or advice and she does it

quite often, that if I were him, I would just stop talking to her, but George is a loyal friend (and besides, he is her editor, so he can't really ignore her since they have a working relationship). It's amusing because he's hosting a dinner party when she calls and you hear her voice on the answering machine and it gets louder and louder until she's screaming about trying to sabotage a wedding and everyone at the table just stop talking and listen to his machine in surprise, then George asks if anyone wants coffee and everyone continues talking again as though they were never interrupted by a screaming, deranged woman on the other end of the answering machine. George comes to Chicago to visit Jules and asks her the question every viewer already knows the answer to: "Do you really love him or is this about winning?" She admits that it was like that in the beginning, but now when she's with him, "he's just so wonderful." (Is he? Really?) George tells her to tell him that she's loved him for  years, but she's been too afraid. I call bs that she's actually in love with him. She just doesn't like him giving his attention to another woman he's planning to marry. 

During a scene where Michael is getting fitted for his tuxedo, he gives Jules the ring to "guard with her life." Why Jules has to be there for his fitting and why he gives Jules, of all people, the ring (instead of his best man or a family member) is really irrelevant. It's just all part of the plot. It's at this moment, when someone is measuring Michael and when they're in a store with other people (including George, who is also there for plot's sake) roaming around that Jules decides she's going to tell Michael her feelings for him. She never does because she gets distracted when Michael sees George and asks her who he is (he knows he's with Jules). She tells him that he's her "best friend these days", then does something totally insane and tells him they're engaged. To make him jealous, I guess? The audience find out that Jules decided to make George her fiancé the same time as George himself. She just announce it in front of him and makes a facial expression at him, pleading him to go along with her. Michael thinks it's quite peculiar that they're engaged because whenever Jules spoke about him, he sensed that George was gay (I guess she never outright told him he was gay?) Jules tells him that "George likes to pretend he's gay" which is the weirdest (and pretty offensive) thing. Michal asks George the very reasonable question, "Why would you do that?" and George tells him he finds that it attracts women, and it especially worked for for Jules. This is very baffling and makes no sense, but Michael seems satisfied with the answer because it's what the plot of the movie needs him to do. However, you would think that if Jules is his best friend, he would know about this weird fetish of hers. Just saying!

Jules bring George to the church where they're having the rehearsal and he meets a super excited and screeching Kimmy and her family (well, only Kimmy is super excited and screeching; her family is more composed.) I had to laugh when she asks George why they weren't told about the engagement and George, who is having way too much fun with this charade, says, "I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but Jules said, 'No, this is Kimmi's day, let's not take the attention away from Kimmy.'" This makes Kimmy even more happy and she hugs Jules even more tighter.

Probably the most famous and memorable scene of the movie comes next. It's the "I Say a Little Prayer For You" scene. Do I need to say more? While I remembered that scene, I didn't remember what prompted everyone to break out into the Dionne Warwick song. After the rehearsal, everyone goes out for lunch at Barry the Cuda's, the only restaurant I've ever seen with a piano! Since Jules pulled George into this whole mess, he's making the most of it and is having fun playing along and getting back at Jules. Kimmy tells Jules she's so happy Jules found "the man of her dreams" who was "right in front of her" after she heard stories from Michael of her going through so many boyfriends and never finding anyone. Again, George made me laugh when Jules looks at Michael who's sitting across the table from her and George hisses in her ear, "She's talking about me!" One of the family members asks how they met and Jules says something truthful for once, that George is her editor. It's George who embellishes the story when he says they knew each other even before then and that he first met Jules at a mental institution! At first, I thought he was implying SHE was a patient there, but she was there to see a French chef that she had "sent insane with a bad review" and he was there at the same time visiting someone who thought they were Dionne Warwick. And thus, that's how the singalong came about, complete with the waiters waving their lobster claw mitts. I have to admit that's a pretty specific story to come up on the fly like that! 

When George goes back to New York, Jules tells Michael that George isn't her fiancé so it seems like she's actually doing the right thing, but in the same breath she continues to lie about it and says that they were once engaged: "It's been over for ages, but he can't accept it." Michael admits to her that when she told him she was engaged that he got "this really strange feeling" and was "crazy jealous." So it seems like he doesn't want her to be with anyone either. Christ, these two deserve each other! He wants to spend some alone tine with her that afternoon, so they go on a boat tour of Chicago where they slow dance on the back of the boat while Michael sings "The Way You Look Tonight", which is their song. He mentions that he and Kimmy don't have a song yet. He calls Jules "the woman in my life" and Jules calls him "the man in my life" and they both note that this will be the last time they will have together alone. (Though, it's really not). Jules tells him it feels like he's saying goodbye to her. I never got the feeling that they wouldn't see each other anymore just because he got married. They can still be friends, excuse me, best friends. There is a moment when it seems like Jules is about to tell him her feelings but the moment passes them by. Obviously, they must have never talked about how they felt about each other, but again, I think they only want the other one when they're engaged (or pretend engaged in Jules' case). If they were both single, they would not be interested in each other at all. I'm sure there's a psychological term for this; whatever the big fancy word for "you only want what you can't have" is. The both of them are really quite irritating. 

Does Jules accept that Michael is getting married to Kimmy and that she must move on with her life? Oh, no, she still thinks there is time to sabotage the wedding and make Michael come back running to her. The day before the wedding she goes to Kimmy's father's company, Wallace Companies. Her goal is to sneak onto his computer when he's out to lunch and compose an e-mail to Michael's boss. This whole scene is bananas beserk. Not just because of the fraud she's about to commit, but apparently the people who worked on this movie had no idea how e-mail worked. In the late '90s. I'm sorry, what? By 1997, maybe not everybody used e-mail, but I would think SOMEBODY on the entire cast or crew of this movie would know how to use e-mail or how it worked or at least knew somebody who did. This is what I'm talking about: after she gets into his e-mail (which is an icon on his computer...okay...), she chooses "new letter" from the options and a screen pop ups where you can write your message. At the top, it says "E-mail address" and there's a "To" and "From" line. She physically types out, and I swear I am not joking, "Eric Isaacson, Senior Editor, Sport Magazine" in the "To" column and "Walter Wallace" in the "From" column. I'm sorry, but WHAT THE ACTUAL YOU-KNOW-WHAT?! Like I said before, nobody on this movie's crew had a freakin' teenager who had an AOL account with some stupid e-mail like SupaGirl83@aol.com? They couldn't confer with somebody who knew how e-mail worked? Could they not get permission from yahoo or hotmail or aol or whoever else you could get email through back then? Then just make up your own @whatever.com Also, if she's sending it from Wallace's computer, why does she have to physically type it's from him? I don't sign my name every time I send an e-mail; people already know it's from me because my name is already there! Good Lord, this scene is so stupid! There's no excuse for not knowing how e-mail worked in 1997! None! But wait, there's more! So Jules composes a message to Michael's boss (whose e-mail address probably would have been eissacson@sportmag.com if this movie took place in the real world) telling him, as Walter Wallace, that he's offered Michael "a great opportunity in my company" and that Michael won't accept the offer while he works for him. So I'm not sure if Jules wanted Michael's boss to fire him or give him his permission to quit? 

After she's finished writing the message, she gets a popup box asking, "Do you want to send?" and gives her a yes or no option. In the end, she decides not to send it because she doesn't want Michael to get fired (would he really get fired for that? If anything, I would think his boss would want to talk to him about it). She gets a second option where she can choose either "save for later" or "delete". Again, not how e-mail works. She chooses the former and justifies it as "It's not like I'm sending it...I'm saving it for a few hours 'til we come back and Michael can see it." Alright, so her plan is for Michael to see the e-mail and probably assume this was Kimmy's idea and never want to see or talk to her again. Well, guess what. After Jules saves the letter and leaves, we see Walter tell his secretary that he's "holding four or five e-mails he wrote" and wants her to send them out. Huh? Wha-? So he writes e-mails and doesn't send them out after they're composed? He just saves them and has his secretary click a button to send them out? But why? Oh, right, for the sake of the movie's plot. 

Before Jules can even continue on with her diabolical plan, while they're at her hotel, Michael receives a fax from his boss. Gee, whatever could this be about? Jules just assumes he's telling Michael congratulations because it's the night before the wedding, but instead the note says, "I think you need to know and deserve what you're marrying into." This seems...odd to me. Why didn't his boss just ask him about this supposed job opportunity his future father-in-law offered him. Look, what Jules did was wrong but it's not like she (as Wallace) threatened Michael's boss. While Michel calls Kimmy (because of course he thinks she was up to this) and blows up at her, Jules sits outside the door of her room and we see a cameo from a young Paul Giamatti who plays a bellhop. She's smoking and he tells her it's a nonsmoking floor. She tells him, "I am a dangerous, criminal person. I do bad things to honest people." I don't know, I wouldn't call her "dangerous"; more like "selfish" and "mean-spirited". 

When Michael gets off the phone with Kimmy, he tells Jules that she told Michael it's over because he's "crazy and paranoid". Oh, there was a scene earlier where Jules tried on the wedding ring (I guess the temptation was too much for her) and of course now it won't come off. Michael fixes this by putting her finger in his mouth and sucking it off. I'm pretty sure there's probably a less erotic way to get a stuck ring off a finger. Again, he's sending mixed signals to Jules. 

Because this whole fight took place the day before the wedding, the Sunday wedding brunch is still on because Kimmy hasn't told her parents that the wedding is cancelled (Probably because they would throw a fit if they went through all that prep work and money even if they are billionaires). No, the real reason is that Kimmy is still hoping for a miracle. As she tells Jules (because Michael wanted her to talk to Kimmy), "How could he think that my father and I would do such a thing?" We get another well-known scene where Jules compares Kimmy to creme brûlée and tells her that Michael would rather have Jell-O. I love Kimmy's aghast, "Jell-O? Why would he want Jell-O?" Because, yes why would anyone want Jell-O unless you're younger than six and older than eighty. I did love Jule's face when Kimmy says this, because of course, she is Jell-O in this analogy and is annoyed that Kimmy is looking down at Jell-O. She tells Kimmy that Michael is more comfortable with Jell-O. Kimmy says she could be Jell-O and Jules replies, "Creme brûlée could never be Jell-O...you could never be Jell-O." 

Kimmy tells Jules she still loves Michael and while there is truth to her wanting him to work for her father and that she wants to stay in school and have a life of her own, she would never make him do anything he didn't want to do. She asks Jules to tell Michael it's her fault and that she loves him, because she, Jules, "is the only person that I trust." Cut to Jules looking guilty. I find it a little (a lot) problematic that Kimmy wants Jules to tell Michael it's her fault...when its not! It's like when they got into the fight at the restaurant and she begged Michael to forgive her even though she did nothing wrong. I get the impression that he always has to be right and because of Kimmy's age (remember, she's only 20) it feels like she has to always be apologizing to him for her faults even though every time he gets angry with her, it's not her fault. If I were Kimmy, I would dump his ass! 

So Jules has the gall to tell Michael, "She admits that it's her fault. Totally, completely, inexcusably her fault." True, that is what Kimmy said, but Jules knows the truth and she could fix this right now, but no, she is still trying to break up the wedding, which she seems to have already accomplished. However, Michael and Kimmy still seem to want to make it work. Michael asks Jules, "Do you think she still loves me?" It takes her a few moments to answer, but she tells him that Kimmy does still love him. Michael wants Jules to tell Kimmy that he still wants to marry her if she'll have him. Good God, tell her yourself, dude! So everything slowly seems to be getting mended until Jules and Michael have a chat by the gazebo and Jules decides to make this the moment when she's going to confess her feelings for him and tell him that she loves him. She tells him she knows this "comes at a very inopportune time" (yeah, no kidding!) and wants him to "Choose me..marry me." Hmm, is this where Meredith Grey got the inspiration for her "Pick me" speech to Derek? Jules kisses him and of course (OF COURSE!) Kimmy just happens to see them. She runs off, Michael runs after her, and Jules runs after him. Kimmy's mother sees them all running and doesn't seem to be concerned that her daughter is running away in distress. They all get into cars (well, Jules steals a catering van) and continue to chase each other. I thought this was when Kimmy's terrible driving was going to come in play; that she was so upset that she has an accident, but no, nothing like that happens. Again, what was the point of making her an irresponsible driver? Oh, right, because it's so hilarious. 

Once again, Jules calls George for his advice because she can't do anything on her own. This time he's listening to a book reading at a bookstore and when his phone rings, he takes the call when he's still sitting in the audience Dude, if you're going to answer the phone, at least get up and go to a private area. Jules is screaming so loud that everyone in the bookstore can hear her and their attention goes from the author (I assume the person reading the book was the author) to George who then gets up and goes to another part of the store. After Jules gets him up to speed and tells him she and Michael kissed, George asks her, "Was there anything on the other side of that kiss that leads you to believe that this chase will end happily?" After Jules tells him Kimmy interrupted them and what was going on at the moment, he's very blunt but truthful when he says, "Michael's chasing Kimmy and you're chasing Michael? Who's chasing you? Nobody. Get it?There's your answer." Honestly, it's like George is the Voice of Reason in this movie. Why is he friends with Jules? She is a terrible person. Before hanging up, George tells her, "The wedding is at six. You have a small, but distinct window of opportunity to do the right thing."

Jules, for once, does decide to do the right thing. She catches up to Michael at the train station who went there because that's where he proposed to Kimmy, so he thought he might find her there. Jules confesses that the e-mail his boss got was written by her. She tries to rectify it by saying it wasn't supposed to get sent; that she just wanted him to see it and get mad at Kimmy. Either way she spins it, it's not good. She feels terrible about everything and compares herself to "the fungus that feeds on pond scum." Michael tells her she's even lower than that, but then takes her hand and says, "On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much" and tells her he thinks what she did is pretty flattering. Oh my God! Why does he keep sending her mixed signals? Also, why is he forgiving her so soon? If I were him, I would not invite her to the wedding, I would tell her it would be a long time before I would even consider forgiving her. The woman tried to sabotage his wedding, but for some reason, he takes it as a compliment? Huh? Honestly, I'm surprised the movie didn't have them end up together because they really deserve each other and Kimmy could have done a lot better. 

Jules assures Michael they will find Kimmy before the wedding. I forget how, but somehow she gets a tip

she went to the baseball stadium and she finds her in the bathroom stall. If I were upset, the last place I would want to go is the women's bathroom of a baseball stadium. Actually, that's the last place I want to be, regardless of how I'm feeling. There must have been a game playing because all of these women are crowded in the bathroom and are witnessing the fight Kimmy and Jules are having. In these COVID times, it's a very troubling scene. The women are cheering for Kimmy as she lets Jules have it. Jules admits, "I  tried to steal him. I lost. He doesn't love me. He loves you. I'd like to take you to the church so you can walk down the aisle and marry the man of our dreams cuz he sure wants to marry you." This makes Kimmy happy and the two women hug as the other spectators clap. 

Not loving Kimmy's dress

The last scene is the wedding. It's a nice wedding, but honestly, for billionaires, you think it would be beyond lavish and extravagant. And also, I don't like Kimmy's wedding dress. It looks cheap to me. Despite everything she's done, Jules still gets to make a speech: "I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that a psychopath was trying to break the two of you up." Kimmy and Michael just smile like it's so adorable...um, no. Her speech continues: "Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be. For my best friend has won the best woman." Good God, she's still treating this like it's a competition? Jule's wedding present for the newly weds is to have her the two other bridesmaids (Rachel Griffiths and Carrie Present), sing "The Way You Look Tonight". I guess it's "on loan" until Kimmy and Michael find their own song (they didn't have a song already planned for their first dance?). This feels like a cheap shot from Jules, I must say. It's like she's gotta remind Michael that he had a song from her before he had one with Kimmy. 

Once the wedding is over and Kimmy and Michael are leaving, Jules is trying to say goodbye in the large

crowd of people but can't seem to get to them. But Michael comes back through the throng of people to give her a hug. The movie ends with Jules getting a call (c'mon, did she really need to take her phone (which isn't even a smart phone, so it's not like she can do anything on it) to a wedding? Seems kinda rude). Turns out it's George calling her and turns out he's actually at the wedding! Is he a wedding crasher or did he get an invitation? Hmm, now that I think about it, I don't think Jules ever told Michael the real truth about George and she never apologized to George for pulling him into that stupid lie. George has the band sing "I Say a Little Prayer For You" and he and Jules dance. It is actually pretty cute. 

And Kimmy and Michale break up less than a year later. They don't say that, but, I honestly can't see those two lasting! 

Jailbird

Con Air

Director: Simon West

Cast: Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Steve Buscemi, Ving Rhames, Dave Chappelle, Monica Potter

Released: June 6, 1997

Oscar nominations:
Best Sound (lost to Titanic)
Best Original Song - "How Do I Live" by Diane Warren (lost to "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic by James Horner and Will Jennings)

I already reviewed one of Nicolas Cage's R-rated action movies from 1997, so I thought I would review his OTHER R-rated action movie that came out just a couple weeks before Face/Off, and that would be Con Air. This was another movie that was reviewed on How Did This Get Made?, hence why I wanted to see it again...it had been a VERY long time since I last saw this. This is one of those so bad, it's good movies. Although if you had asked me who directed this, I would have said Michael Bay, though I would have been wrong!

I remembered that song, "How Do I Live" is in this movie, but I forgot it was written for the movie! I guess I just thought they wanted to use a sappy country love song for the literally ten minute romance of the film. (Eh...maybe it was fifteen?) Don't get me wrong, I love the song, but it's just so weird that kind of song is in a movie about murders, serial killers, rapists, and drug lords overtaking a plane. The two just don't mesh very well. Like most people, I am very familiar with the LeAnne Rimes version of this song, but did you know they don't even play that version in the movie? It's sung by Trisha Yearwood. The LeAnne Rimes version is a trillion times better (even though it sounds like she's singing, "How do I leave without you")...the Trisha Yearwood one sounds like a watered-down version and it's not the power ballad that LeAnne makes it. I guess they (the producers, I assume) said she was too young which is ridiculous because there are two young girls in the movie and they are much younger than the 14/15 years LeAnne was when she recorded that song.

How do I "leave" without you?

The movie starts with our hero, Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage) coming home to Alabama from being in the army for however long (well at least long enough to get his wife pregnant). He goes to a bar where his wife works. She is played by Monica Potter which is so crazy because I literally just binged watched five seasons of Parenthood (I'm on the last season now) in about three weeks. I feel like there's a word for that. They are being harassed by these two rednecks. They threaten to rape the wife, then start beating up Poe for really no reason and he kills one of them in self defense. We next see him in court where he is sentenced to eight years of prison just because he killed somebody in SELF DEFENSE when that guy was attempting to RAPE his WIFE and beat him up! WTF? That seems a little extreme, but the judge says with his years of experience in the army, he's a danger to society. It makes no sense at all! But we need to find a way to get our hero in prison, I guess...without him being a bad guy.

We next see the next eight years fly by in three minutes, I am not kidding you. This movie really wants to get to the point and I salute it for doing that. Let's get to the good stuff which we all know will happen on the plane. In the montage we see Poe writing letters to his wife, then daughter, Casey, when she gets old enough to write back. He is narrating this for us and I must say Cage's Southern accent is just flawless...except not. 

I was wondering why Casey has never visited her dad and we get this answer by Poe saying he doesn't want her to see her father this way, in jail. But then why hasn't his wife ever visited him? Unless she did and I just misunderstood. IDK...I guess it doesn't really matter. The last eight years really don't matter! It's time for Poe to go home! He gets to go on a plane with other prisoners that are being transported. I was so confused because I didn't know where they were. Why was he not in a prison in Alabama? I think they were somewhere in California, but I don't know why he would be serving time there. I guess it's so he would be on the prison plane, aptly named the Jailbird. I don't think the logistics really matter. We just need some bad guys on this plane! And bad guys we will get!

There's Cyrus aka Cyrus the Virus (John Malkovich) who is 39 years old and has spent the last 25 years in prison which means he would have been 14 when he was sent to prison! Good Lord, what the hell did he do at age 14 to get that sentence? I feel like somebody did their math wrong and the screenplay wasn't checked! They did say he killed other men in prison so in fairness, he probably got more time tacked on for that. There's gangster and Black Guerilla member Diamond Dog (Ving Rhames). There's Danny Trejo playing a rapist, there's a very young Dave Chappelle playing PinBall. I think he was in there for drugs. The only other "good" prisoner besides Poe is his cellmate and friend. I forget his name, but we'll call him Bubba because the actor played Bubba in Forrest Gump. I forget why he was in there. All the prisoners are seated in chairs and are handcuffed and leg cuffed. The really bad guys (the Cyrus the Viruses and Diamond Dogs) are locked in steel cages.

U.S. Marshall Vince Larkin (John Cusack) is overseeing the flight. He has a strict no guns allowed policy on the plane. (They only have one locked in a box and a few in storage). A DEA agent, Malloy, wants one of his men (disguised as a prisoner) to carry a gun. He is on the plane to get information....it's really not important because the decoy prisoner ends up dying...spoiler alert! Malloy sneaks a gun on him but it ends up working against him. Malloy is a real piece of work. He drives a fast, shiny convertible and when he shows Larkin, he tells him it's beautiful and Malloy replies with, "Babies are beautiful, sunsets are beautiful; this, this is effing spectacular!" The vanity plate reads "AZZ KIKR" (as in "ass kicker") He's a real douche bag!

Once the plane takes off, we see Dave Chappelle start taking a piece of string out of his mouth. Attached to this string is some lighter fluid and a match that he swallowed. (This isn't even plausible, is it?) Everyone is watching him...everyone, apparently, EXCEPT the guards. And there are at least four that I remember. Plus two pilots. What the hell are they doing? Playing rummy in the cargo area? They only have one job and that is to WATCH the DANGEROUS prisoners. Chappelle lights the guy next to him on fire (I would be so pissed if I were that guy!) and this starts a riot. The guards are trying to get fire extinguishers and in the chaos, Chappelle steals the keys and unlocks the cages. The pilots hear the commotion in the cockpit and the co-pilot takes the gun out of the lockbox and goes to inspect, but Cyrus (the Virus!) immediately takes the gun from him and shoots him. He also shoots a few of the (non-important) prisoners in the mayhem. He goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot to tell ground control that everything is under control.

They make a pitstop in Carson City to pick up some more prisoners. (They have everyone fooled because they're wearing the guards uniforms). Here we meet Garland Greene (Steve Buscemi) a man who "makes the Manson family look like the Partridge family." He killed 30 people in the East Coast. When we are first introduced to him, he has a mask on his face ala Hannibal Lecter and has to be led by poles attached to his armored suit. You think a guy they're treating like that would have the physique like The Rock, (excuse me, Dwayne Johnson), but no, it's scrawny little Steve Buscemi which makes it the most brilliant casting ever! Although probably the worst wrap-sheet of all the prisoners on the plane, he doesn't even engage in any of the chaos (besides Poe and Bubba). He kind of goes off and does his own thing or chats about his creepy stories. One of the hosts on How Did That Get Made? thought maybe he was wrongly accused which was hilarious because he tells this really gruesome story about what he did with one corpse after he killed her. So, no, he was NOT wrongly accused of murdering 30 people!

Pinball has died because they forgot him when the plane took off and he's running, trying to catch it and gets caught in the wheels...IDK, but when Poe and one of the bad guys (I forget who) go down there to inspect, Poe uses the corpse to write a message on Pinball's shirt before they release him. We next cut to a scene where an old couple are stopped at a red light in their car and a bird poops on the windshield and the old man complains about it. We all know what's going to happen next. We see Pinball's body falling from the sky, getting closer and closer to that intersection. The body thumps on the car, leaving a big dent. Now, I don't think you would just get a nice little thump if a body had just fallen thousands and thousands of feet from the sky. There is no way that message would be readable; that body would be obliterated! But because this is a Hollywood film, Larkin gets the message and knows what he needs to do. He steals the DEA douche's fast car and attempts to race the airplane to the next stop...which somehow he manages to do. That is one damn fast car!

So he gets there and meets up with Poe who is keeping up his cover to be part of the bad guy's crew so they don't suspect anything. Garland Greene does his own thing and sits down with a little girl who is playing pretend tea party at a nearby abandoned pool. He joins her and sings a song with her and it's so creepy because you're wondering if he's going to kill her...but he doesn't. Perhaps he's a changed man? The police come, but are not able to thwart the plane from taking off and Poe has hooked the nice sporty car to it and at this time the douchey DEA agent has come and he sees his car being flown in the air and then it crashes into thousands of pieces right in front of him and Larkin is like, "Sorry about your car." Haha!

Oh! I forgot to mention an "important" scene. Okay, so I should say it's Poe's daughter's birthday and he has somehow managed to get her a pink stuffed rabbit from the prison gift shop, I guess. One of the bad guys finds out he's actually a good guy and discovers the bunny when they're in the cargo area together and Poe tells him to "put the bunny down". Okay, I could have SWORN there was a weapon in the bunny like a knife or something. I thought the bunny's head gets ripped off and a knife is discovered by Poe and he kills the bad guy. That never happens. The bunny is never damaged (well, except it's filthy and soaking wet when it does get to the little girl, but it was never torn apart). Poe does kill the guy but not with help from the bunny.

Okay, so they finally land the plane in Las Vegas right in the middle of the Strip and they crash into a hotel and it hits a casino machine and lots of money comes out in the street. Diamond Dog and Cyrus the Virus escape but both are killed in their attempt. All the bad guys are either killed or caught. Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter and it is hilarious that he didn't want to his daughter to see him in jail, but now he's dirty with sweat and blood from all the killing he's done (of all bad guys, but still!) The last scene shows Garland Greene at a casino.

Now I love a good airplane action movie and I have reviewed a few. As far as how I would rank it against the others, I would put it higher than Passenger 57, but lower than Air Force One and Executive Decision. This movie is completely ridiculous and makes no sense, but it's a fun, dumb movie.

Off With Your Face!

Face/Off

Director: John Woo

Cast: John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, Joan Allen, Gina Gershon, Alessandro Nivola

Released: June 27, 1997

Oscar nominations:

Best Sound Effects Editing (lost to Titanic (of course it did))

I think if one was given the choice to watch a "face off" between John Travolta and Nicolas Cage or between Bryan Cranston and Giancarlo Esposito, the latter would be chosen every time. At least that's the one I would choose. That episode of Breaking Bad was amazing and this movie is just so awfully laughably bad. I probably saw it fifteen years ago and didn't much care for it then and had no intention of ever seeing it again, but when I saw that the comedy podcast How Did This Get Made?, which reviews ridiculous movies such as this one, had reviewed it (the episode came out in May of last year if you want to look for it), I knew I had to watch it again just to listen to the podcast. I sludged through the two and a half hours (TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF OVERACTING FROM TRAVOLTA AND CAGE!) of this craziness but it was totally worth it to listen to that episode of that podcast. I was laughing so hard; I'm glad I was alone when I listened to it! And of course how could I deny you a review of the movie?  

I'm sure everyone has seen the movie, or at the very least know the basic premise: Travolta and Cage switch faces. Sean Archer (John Travolta) is the good guy. He's an FBI agent and a family man with a wife (Joan Allen) and a teen daughter. Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage) is the bad guy. He's a terrorist, who, along with his brother (Alessandro Nivola), plants a bomb set to go off in a few weeks in L.A. There is history between these two. You see, six years ago, Troy was all set up to kill Archer who was on a carousel with his five year old son. When he takes his aim (and why is he aiming when his target is on a moving object?), he misses Archer (gee you think since he's on a MOVING object?) and only nicks him, but instead kills the kid. While Archer is mourning him (and this time he is off the carousel), you'd think Troy would take the chance to kill him but he doesn't. Because otherwise we wouldn't have a movie! So now we have our characters' backstories! 

We fast forward six years later where Archer is distant from his wife and the daughter is pretty much like Eliza Dushku 2.0 from True Lies where she thinks her dad is really lame. The two sworn enemies are reunited and Archer and his FBI agents have a shoot out with Troy and his minions in an airport hanger with lots of explosions. I laughed so hard when one guy got shot and when he flew back into the wall, you could actually see the wire he was attached to that pulled him back. Troy tells Archer there's a bomb, but won't tell him where it is. This is the first of many face offs (face.....off!) they have. 

Anyway, I'll skip all the boring stuff and get to the good part. Archer thinks Troy has died (he got hurt pretty badly during their, ahem, face off) but he's only in a coma being kept alive by ventilators. Two agents tell Archer they think there's a way that he can stop the bomb and ask him, "What if you could go up to Castor's brother AS Castor" and Archer is all like, "Huh, what are you talking about?" They introduce him to a doctor who says he can do a procedure where he will take Archer's face...wait for it....OFF and then have it replaced with Troy's face. They will also alter his body and give him a haircut so he will match Troy. They are also able to change his voice so he will sound like Troy. (And I'm sure if Travolta tried hard enough, he probably could have done a fine Nicholas Cage impersonation!) The only thing that won't be the same is their blood types....which will be a plot point later! Naturally Archer is hesitant at first, but then he agrees. If this were me, I would say, "Hell, no, you cannot take my face OFF!" (I wonder how many times I'm going to say "face off" in this review?)

I understand they want to find the bomb, but of all the people, why have Archer assume Troy's identify? The guy killed his kid for God's sake and now he's got to look like the man who murdered his son? That has got to have some damaging psychological effects that can never be undone. But I guess he's the best man for the job as he knows the most about Troy and plus the movie just wouldn't be as awesome! 

We see the procedure where the doc effortlessly peels off Archer's face after using a scalpel to cut it and sticks it in a vat of saline or something and does the same with Troy's face and stitches it onto Archer's faceless face. Basically now Nicholas Cage is now playing the part of Sean Archer. He is taken to a very high-security prison that houses the worst of the worst criminals where the other Troy brother is to work on him to see if he can get any information on the bomb.  

MEANWHILE.....apparently the FBI thought Troy was good to be in a coma for a couple more weeks because they just leave him in a room which isn't locked or contained and he isn't chained down or anything in the event he should wake up...which he does! Shocker! Bet you didn't see that one coming! He's not even being guarded! So he wakes up with a bandage on his head and we see a shot of the back of his head as he unwraps the bandage. He touches his face which has been replaced by tissue and blood and bone and whatever else is under your skin and we see blood smeared on his fingers. I'm surprised he didn't scream because I would imagine that would hurt touching your face without the skin. He sees Archer's face in the vat of saline because, you know, it's just sitting there out in the open! Not even under lock and key. Who the hell is running this place? He watches a video of the procedure they did on Archer. You think having his faceless face exposed to the elements would be damaging. He does say he took some pain killers so that explains why he's not screaming in agony. He has access to a phone so we hear him talking to one of his cronies in a muffled voice and they bring the doctor and make him do the procedure with Archer's face now to be put on Troy. The only time we see Troy's faceless face is in the reflection of the doctor's glasses and someone on How Did This Get Made? commented that they put ketchup on Cage's face which is so true because it does look like that. The doctor does the operation, so John Travolta is now playing the part of Castor Troy. He kills the doctor and the two FBI agents who told Archer about the operation, and get this...THOSE THREE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO KNEW THAT ARCHER WAS GOING UNDER THIS PROCUEDURE TO LOOK LIKE TROY AND NOW NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE REALLY IS!!! Hahahaha, I love it. I just love how stupid this movie is.

Between the two actors, I honestly don't know who is worse. They both overact, especially when they play the part of the bad guy. (I guess we should be thankful that they are never both the bad guy at the same time!) It's like Woo told them to give it their usual ten on the scale of overacting, but then drive it up to twenty....which they do. I should mention that Cage was ridiculous and over the top when he was playing Troy and it it HILARIOUS when he is playing Archer pretending to be Troy. But even more hilarious is Travolta. He turns into a total "Whoo!" girl because he is "whoo"-ing all over the place. When he confronts Cage-as-Archer, he says to him, "Whoo-wee, you good-looking!" That line delivery was so hilarious. 

Travolta-as-Troy becomes a hero when he "finds" the planted bomb and defuses it. Margaret Cho is in this movie as an FBI agent and when they're all celebrating she says to Travolta-as-Troy (because Archer is usually a buzzkill), "Sir, did you have surgery?" and he looks worried like she might know something, and then she says, "Did you finally get that stick removed from your ass?" C'mon, would you really say that to your superior who just defused a bomb? It wasn't really Archer and the bomb was never found, but still. Cage-as-Archer sees this on TV and knows he has to escape from prison...which he does with some help and a lot of fighting. He finds out the prison is actually a large barge far from land but he jumps off of it and manages to swim to shore. It cuts from him jumping into the water to dry land where he gets in a car so we never actually see how he got there, but the movie is already two and a half hours long, so I don't care if they didn't show that.

Margaret Cho tells TravoltaTroy that Castor Troy has died and he is happy by this news but when he asks to see the body she tells him it hasn't been recovered and he totally spazzes out and shouts, "It hasn't been RECOVERED yet?" It was so hilarious, but I doubt the movie was going for that.

TravoltaTroy is enjoying the perks of being Archer and starts to romance his "wife" who is surprised by all the attention he's giving to her because the real Archer was always so distant after their son died and was only focused on work. He is not subtle at all at trying to fit into his new identity. (But then again, he was never a subtle terrorist either!) He gets his "daughter's" name wrong (and lusts after her...eww!) and acts all weird and too cool around her. After he beats up a guy who was trying to advance on his  "daughter", he gives her a knife as "protection" in case a guy ever tries to rape her. This will also come in handy later in the movie. 

The most hilarious scene in the movie is when CageArcher goes to Troy's hideaway where he lives with his girlfriend (Gina Gershon) and other cronies and he explains to them that he wants to find "Archer" and take his face....off! And there's repeated lines of "face off?" "Face....off!" So bad, but so hilarious. We find that Troy has a son who is five. He pretty much looks exactly like Archer's son who died (and was also five!) They even pretty much have the same hair cut and color. They are so alike that CageArcher calls him Michael (which was Archer's son's name), but this kid's name is Adam.

CageArcher calls his wife and tells her what is going on but she doesn't believe him, so he goes to his house and she is naturally scared because it looks like the man who murdered her son and is a known terrorist is at her house, but he tells her about the first date they had and tells her to take his blood and get a blood sample from TravoltaTroy and she does and finds out the truth. But by this time, even without the blood sample, you think she would know because TravoltaTroy is now walking around with two goons and you can tell they're bad guys. That Troy guy really does not know how to be subtle whatsoever. 

The two men reunite at the funeral of Archers' boss who TravoltaTroy killed after revealing the truth to him and blaming his death as a heart attack. There's a stand off between the two of them, plus Archer's wife and Troy's girlfriend. Everyone dies except Travolta, Cage, and Allen. There are doves which I guess is a John Woo trademark. The daughter randomly shows up and thinks that TravoltaTroy is her father when she holds a gun at the two fighting men. They each plead at her to shoot the other man. Somehow TravoltaTroy grabs her and has a gun to her head so she knows that's NOT her dad (especially after he licks her face....eww!) and stabs him in the leg with the knife he gave her. He lets go of her and she runs to her mother. The two men continue fighting and somehow end up on speed boats and there's a big boat chase and lots of explosions. Actually, this scene was pretty cool and my favorite action scene of the movie. Another one of my favorite scenes was a few scenes earlier where they are facing off against each other (once again!) and they are back to back with a wall separating them. (It's the one in the above photo). They say the only way to end this is to kill each other, so they get up and face the wall where there is a mirror on each side of the wall so they are looking at a reflection of themselves....as the OTHER person and each aim a gun at the mirror. Oh, the symbolism, I love it!  

So after the boat scene where the boat and two stunt actors go flying fifty feet into the air, CageArcher finally kills TravoltaTroy and gets his face back! He comes home with Adam without discussing this with his wife in advance if she would be okay with adopting the son of the guy who killed HER son and this kid looks EXACTLY like her dead son...so I don't know is she would be down with that, but how can she say no when the kid is standing right there? 

I explain an annoying thing one of the characters does in the movie:

Dreaming Of You

Selena
Director: Gregory Nava
Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Edward James Olmos, Jon Seda, Jackie Guerra
Released: March 21, 1997

Late at night when all the world is sleeping...

I stay up and think of you...

and I still can't believe 

that you came up to me

and said, "I love you."

....I love you too!

That's my favorite line from my favorite Selena song. To be fair, I only know two of her songs: "Dreaming of You" and "I Could Fall in Love", both of which are featured in this movie, to nobody's surprise. This is a biopic about Selena Quintanilla (yes, she did have a last name!), a Mexican-American growing up in Texas who started singing with her brother and sister when she was around 12 in a band her father created, then started branching out as a solo singer when she became a teenager. Even though she knew English (I believe it was her first language), she sung in Spanish so she was very popular with the Spanish-speaking population of America, and Mexico, of course. In fact, I just checked Wiki and it said her father had to teach her how to say the words phonetically, so she did not know Spanish. I guess he thought it would be an easier market than the English-speaking one! She was nominated for Best Mexican/American album (I had no idea that was even a category!) at the Grammys in 1994 and won which propelled her status with the rest of the world and was invited to make her first English-speaking album which came out the next year.

Now none of this really warrants a movie about someone's life. It's great to see someone slowly become more successful, but there were really no struggles that she had to go through (well, that's not totally true...she did have a couple, but we'll get to those later). But it's not like she was Tina Turner who literally came from nothing to make something of herself, only to have to endure with an abusive spouse. The reason that there is a biopic about Selena is because she was murdered at the very young age of 23. We'll get to who murdered her, and why and how and all that later. She was murdered in 1995 and this movie came out two years later (in fact, almost to the date as she was killed on March 31). It does seem like they were trying to capitalize on her death by having the movie released only a couple years later...you know they probably made it only a year after she died. But if they got the family's permission (which I believe they did), then that's all that matters.

Before she was
"J-Lo"

Jennifer Lopez plays Selena. At the time, she wasn't J-Lo as we all know and love her. (Or not if you're not a J-Lo fan!) This was her first starring role. She was 28 and plays Selena from ages 17-23. She looks young enough that it's not an issue and when she plays teenaged Selena they do a good job with giving her a short haircut with bangs and dress her in denim shorts and clothes a teen would wear. Her hair was really dark...even more dark than when you see Lopez with dark hair, like it was almost black. When she had bangs, I could see "Selena" and forget that Jennifer Lopez was there...except when she talked because Jennifer Lopez always sounds like, well, Jennifer Lopez! But when she had her hair back and didn't have bangs, oh man, all I saw was Jennifer Lopez. Especially in this one scene where she's wearing a leather newsboy cap that totally screams J-Lo. All I could see was a young Jennifer Lopez. It was a little distracting. Of course, I'm seeing this movie all these years later after Jennifer Lopez has become a huge name in the business, so of course it's going to be distracting. At the time this movie was released, she had been in a few things, but hadn't become what she is now. But I think she did very well for her first starring role. When she sang, they used Selena's tracks over the song so you would hear her voice, which thank God, because Selena was a much better singer than J-Lo is! Plus it would be weird hearing J-Lo's voice singing Selena's songs!  Here is a photo of the real Selena next to Jennifer Lopez: 

The most interesting part of the movie and the thing she struggles with most is her relationship with her band's guitarist, Chris Perez (Jon Seda). Chris comes from a rough and tumble background that her father and manager (Edward James Olmos) does not approve of, but he plays one hell of a guitar which is why he got the gig. Her father is very strict with her. He does not like her wearing her studded brasiers, even though she would wear them with pants so it wasn't like she was showing that much skin! Actually, the worst outfit she wears in the entire movie is what (appeared to be) was her final performance. She was wearing this purple jumpsuit and it was open at the stomach so you could see skin there...which was just really weird. Plus J-Lo and her Kim Kardishan-sized butt looked ridiculous in it. Maybe the real Selena pulled it off better, although she would still have that weird stomach baring circle of non-fabric. Her best outfit was the dress she wore at the Grammys. But I'm getting off topic...after her father discovered they were in a relationship, he yelled at both of them, accused Chris of only wanting to be with his daughter for her money,

fired Chris, yelled at Selena some more, she cried, he held his ground. Selena and Chris secretly stayed together, she would find time to sneak out to be with him. They eloped in 1992 and by this time she was a well-known figure within the Mexican-American community and her wedding was leaked on the radio right away, forcing Selena to tell her father. She had planned to tell him anyway...but wanted to give it a day or two before she did. He told her that at first he was angry, but then understood why she did it and he was proud of her and welcomed Chris to the family. I don't know if it went that smoothly in real life! Probably not!

Sometimes this movie played like a really bad episode of Ugly Betty, you know the hijinks of a Mexican-American family. But even Ugly Betty was never as bad as this movie got sometimes. For instance, there's a scene when a young-and-upcoming Selena is driving somewhere in a van with her brother and sister and it breaks down so they have to pull over by the side of the road. The brother tries to wave some cars down, but they pass, and Selena says, "Let me show you how it's done" and of course she gets the first car to pull over because she's beautiful and wearing skimpy clothes and there are two young guys in the car who pull over to help them. They get really excited when they realize the hot chick they're going to help is Selena and say in these really thick accents, "Ooh, eeet's Seeeleeeenaaaaa!" But that wasn't the worst part. No, the worse part is when they're about to call their dad to let them know that the van broke down and Selena says, "I can just see it now" and then she mocks her dad saying, "You guys did what!?!?!?" Then cut to their father on the phone exclaiming, "You guys did what?!?!?" Oh my God, it was SO bad! So terrible! So cringeworthy. So awful. That was the worst example, but it was little things like that which didn't elevate the movie any higher.

There was another scene which I'm 150 percent sure never happened in real life and was only thrown in to the movie for comedic relief or the director was a huge fan of Pretty Woman. Selena has just been nominated for her first Grammy and takes her entourage to Los Angeles to go shopping.  When you think of Grammys and buying a dress for the event, where is the first place you would go? Probably NOT the mall....but that is where she and her sister (or a friend...I can't remember who was with her) go. What the hell? The freakin' mall? To buy a dress for the Grammys? Ridiculous. They do find a higher-end store because when Selena is looking at a dress, a saleswoman passes by and she says, "Excuse me, how much for this dress?" and the saleswoman sniffs and says, "More than you can afford. It's $700." Obviously she was being racist to this young Latina woman. Well, being that this is Los Angeles and Selena is popular with Mexican-Americans and L.A. is full of them (imagine that!), a Hispanic custodian sees Selena go into the dressing room and he starts passing the word on and soon all the Hispanic people who work at the mall are coming to that store and crowding around. The white, 40-ish saleswoman is really confused and has no idea what's going on. Selena has a very Vivian Ward moment where she tells the saleswoman, "I won't be needing that dress...but thanks." In the end, she chose a beautiful dress for the Grammys that did NOT look like it came from the damn mall!

For anyone watching this who wasn't familiar with Selena or her story, they would get very confused by her death scene. They don't actually show it, which I understand, probably out of respect for the family as it had only been two years since her death. But even I was like, "What the hell just happened?" even though I know that Selena was murdered by the woman who ran her fan club. She was appointed the job in 1994. In early 1995, Selena's father began receiving calls from people who never got their stuff. I would always see information about fan clubs in my CD booklets, but I never joined any so I have no idea what it all entailed. Do fan clubs still exist even? I honestly have no idea. He did an investigation and discovered that she had embezzled more than $60,000 from the money fans were sending in to join the fan club and from the fashion line Selena had. Holy crap. I forgot where Mr. Q found her, but didn't they do a background check on this woman? When Selena goes to confront her, this is when she was killed. I guess the woman was scared and she didn't want Selena to blab and go to the police....so shooting someone will make it all better. If you think you're going to get some time for embezzling, I'm pretty sure you're gonna get some hard time for murder! Idiot. Hope she's enjoying her time in prison! And it's just really sad being that Selena was only 23 and had a bright future ahead of her as a rising star with her first English-language album just being released a few months later after her death. I remember "Dreaming Of You" and "I Could Fall in Love" being played all over the radio during that time.

In the movie, they show a bunch of cop cars at the motel where Selena went to talk to her murderer. Then you see her death being announced on TV and her family at the hospital looking very crushed and devastated. She was still alive after she was shot and was rushed to the hospital, but they couldn't save her. The part that made me really tear up was the end when they played "Dreaming of You" (of course!) and showed images of the real Selena from her various moments in life and footage of people mourning her death and placing flowers and cards as memorials.

And because the text doesn't do it any justice, here's the audio form of my favorite line from my favorite Selena song. Beautiful!