An Unrealistic Fairy Tale

Pretty Woman

Director: Garry Marshall

Cast: Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Hector Elizondo, Jason Alexander

Released: March 23, 1990

Oscar nominations:

Best Actress - Julia Roberts (lost to Kathy Bates for Misery) 

This movie is just like Cinderella....but with a hooker! I can't take credit for that joke; it was said by a comedian on VH1's I Love the '90s (1990 edition). The more "family friendly" version of this movie would be Maid in Manhattan.  (Because she's a maid (in Manhattan!) and not a prostitute! Actually, the first sentence of that review is about that movie being the PG version of Pretty Woman.

One thing I want to know is how the hell did Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) become a prostitute in the first place? Is it because her roommate/"friend" (you'll soon learn why I'm putting friend in quote marks), Kit, is one and she got her into the "business"? Now I don't know any prostitutes in real life, but I'm guessing, most, if any, don't look like Julia Roberts - because if you looked like Julia Roberts, you wouldn't need to be one! Seriously, she's in L.A. and she can't get work as a print model or on a game show modeling the prizes for the contestants or an acting gig on a soap opera? Everyone knows you don't need to be a good actor on a soap; you just need to be attractive! 

What we do know is that Vivian does want to "get out of here" and I don't blame her. She lives in a seedy apartment with her roommate and she has to avoid going out the front door or otherwise her landlord will stop her and demand the rent money which they do not have. She keeps her cash in a plastic box in the toilet tank and it looks like she barley has five bucks. She goes to a club called the Blue Banana (after getting dressed in her hooker attire) and confronts Kit who spent all their rent money on drugs. Not only that, but she still owes $200! Kit sucks! Why are they even friends? 

Meanwhile, at a business party, we meet Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) who is in town for business (and pleasure as we'll (and he'll!) soon find out!). He lives and works in New York City where he buys companies, then sells parts of them off. Later, Vivian will compare it to stealing cars and selling the parts and he agrees, but says what he does is legal. Wikipedia says he is a corporate raider. While Edward does have investors and banks give him money to help buy the companies, it is clear he has beaucoup d'argent. 

He leaves the party to go back to his hotel in Beverly Hills (not sure where the party was located) and he ends up taking his friend/lawyer's car because the limo he came in is buried behind other cars. His friend's name is Phillip, but let's be honest, most people would probably call him George because he's played by Jason Alexander aka George Costanza from Seinfeld. So Seinfeld premiered in 1989, but I feel like most people didn't start watching it until '92 or '93 so I doubt most people would know who he was if they saw this movie in the theater, but if they watched it much later, they would definitely be like, "Hey, it's George Costanza...and he plays a character that may be way more unlikable than he is in Seinfeld!" 

So the car Edward drives is a Lotus Esprit, which I admit, I've never heard of (eh, but I'm guessing most people have never heard of it). They wanted to use a Porsche or a Ferrari but they didn't give the film permission because they didn't want their cars associated with picking up prostitues....which I can't really blame them, but I'm sure they're kicking themselves after the fact, but I feel like they're fine. It's not like they needed the publicity and I'm sure it helped the Lotus Esprit with sales! He stops a couple of times asking people for directions. How the hell did we ever live in a society without GPS? He stops along the side of Hollywood Boulevard where Vivian and Kit are working. Right away they can tell it's a guy with a lot of money because of the car. Kit tells Vivian she "should go for him" because she "looks hot" and she shouldn't "take less than 100." Less than $100? WTF? She should be charging WAY more than that! That seems really cheap! There will be other monetary head scratchers that I'll mention later. I guess 1990 was so long ago that the money seems like a lot, but today, it just seems like it's barely nothing. 

So she struts up to his car and asks if he's looking for a date and he tells her he needs directions. She charges five dollars at first, but then ups it to twenty when she gets in the car to personally be his navigator. He's staying at the Regent Beverly Wilshire, a posh hotel. 

When they reach the hotel, Vivian tells him she's going to take a cab back with her twenty bucks. She had told him earlier she charged $100 an hour and he asks her to accompany him into the hotel. Now I don't know if he felt bad that he made her wait outside for the bus (she told him she was going to take a cab back, then a minute later, she tells him she prefers the bus...this is very confusing) or if he was just horny. Could be both. I mean, it's not like they go at it once they get up to the penthouse where they're staying. He wants them to talk a little first. Before they enter the hotel, he gives Vivian his coat so she can cover herself up. Keep in mind she's wearing her hooker attire which consists of a short skirt and thigh high black leather boots that just scream STREET WALKER. They also looks seriously uncomfortable and look like a pain in the ass to put on and remove. 

They enter the hotel and instead of keeping the jacket cinched around her (yes, the unfortunate boots are still visible), she keeps it open, purposely showing off her outfit. Of course, people are staring at her and this prompts her to be especially uncouth in front of a conservative elderly couple and she pretty much flashes them. Honestly, at this point, she's being rude just for the sake of being rude and Edward should have told her to leave. 

Before they get on the elevator, Edwards stops at the front desk to request champagne and strawberries be sent up to his room (what a cliche!) and I have to give the concierge a lot of credit for keeping her business face on because she can clearly see Vivian in her hooker attire standing against a post. Like, she knows what's up. Then later, the man who delivers the stuff sees her. I can only imagine the gossip among the staff at this posh hotel. When you think of hookers, you think of seedy motels. I've seen CSI:; that's where they always find the bodies of prostitutes. Speaking of which, that has to be the best way to get yourself murdered. The clientele for prostitues has to be pretty unsavory. This is why I don't understand why Vivian isn't behaving a little more ladylike. Edward is a good-looking rich guy who hasn't given any indication that he's going to murder her, so she's on the right path so far! He's not even married or seeing anyone! We know she knows this because she asks him if he has a wife or a girlfriend and he tells her he has both, but that's not true because they're both his exes. He should have told her he used to be married and that he just broke up with his girlfriend (which is the first scene of the movie). 

He asks her how much it would cost if she spent the entire night and she tells him that he couldn't afford it, then tells him it would cost $300. Huh? The math isn't mathing. First of all, he's staying the week in a penthouse of a posh hotel. I think he can part with a measly $300. Also, if she says her hourly rate is $100/hr, why would she charge him only $300 for the whole night? It makes no sense. 

There's a scene where she's in the bathroom and when he comes in, she quickly hides something behind her back. He thinks it's drugs and tells her to get out, but when he reaches behind her to grab her hand, it's just dental floss that she was using because she was trying to get the strawberry seeds stuck in her teeth. Aside from having the scene to think she was using drugs, I'm not sure why she was hiding floss behind her back. Was it his dental floss and she didn't want him to know she was using it? I'm sure he was confused too because why didn't she just tell him it was dental floss when he was accusing her of using drugs? 

The next morning it is revealed that the blonde bob Vivian was sporting was just a wig and she has a whole mass of curly red hair...how the hell did she pile all of her hair under that wig? She asks Edward if she can use his tub before she leaves and he lets her. He's getting ready for his day of meetings and is on the phone with Phillip who has set up a dinner meeting for Edward with Mr. Morse, the owner of Morse Industries which Edward is planning on buying. He'll be bringing his grandson, David, who will eventually take over the company. Philip doesn't think Edward should attend the meeting alone and he should bring a date and "keep it social." I would understand this if Mr. Morse had brought his wife, but obviously this is only in here so Edward can ask Vivian to accompany him. 

He goes in the bathroom where she's taking a bubble bath and has her eyes closed and is singing along to Prince with headphones on. She seems unaware that he's in the room for a good couple of minutes which I find hard to believe. He tells her he has "a business proposition" for her. He will be in town until Sunday and wants her to spend the week with him. They start negotiating a price. She wants $4000 for the full six days and nights. He goes down to $2000 and when she says $3000, that price is agreed on. Huh? Again, this seems really cheap. I guess $3000 was a lot in 1990 because she seems ecstatic about it. She could have easily gotten $10,000. That was terribly negotiating on her part, especially when she tells him later she would have stayed for $2000. He tells her he would have paid $4000. Before he leaves for the day, she tells him, "I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna want to let me go." He says he will let her go and her face drops. But don't worry, they haven't properly fallen in love yet! 

After he leaves, she calls Kit to tell her what's going on. She tells her she's already got $300 from last night and is going to leave it at the front desk for Kit to come and pick up. Why the hell is she leaving money for this woman? The same woman who spent their rent money on drugs? 

Edward has left some money for Vivian to buy some clothes. Now we all know what happens next: she goes into a very chic shop on Rodeo Drive wearing her hooker attire because that's the only outfit she has. The shopkeepers are rude to her and tell her she needs to leave because she's "obviously in the wrong spot." Yes, they were being snotty as all hell, but I don't know why Vivian thought it was appropriate to wear a short skirt, a top where a bunch of skin is showing and her hooker boots to a very luxurious Beverly Hills shop. Let's workshop how she could have done this better:

-She could have worn her red coat over her outfit. (I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but she does have her own coat.) Sure, it would look like she wasn't wearing any pants, but at least she would be a bit more covered up. Though there is still the problem of her hooker boots. 

-She could have worn one of Edward's white button down shirts. That's actually what she does when they go shopping the day after and by then she will have more appropriate heels, but she would still have those damn ugly boots. 

I actually 100% blame Edward for this. Even if Vivian did cover herself up with her jacket or one of his shirts, she'd still have the boots which are by far the sleaziest part of her outfit. I'm sorry, but they are just so cheap looking! It turns out that if he had asked the hotel's manger, Bernard Thompson (Hector Elizondo), he would have been able to get the right ensemble for Vivian. That's what happens when Vivian comes back to the hotel after her failed shopping excursion. Bernard stops her and asks to have a chat with her. He tells her that "things that go on at other hotels don't happen at the Regent Beverly Wilshire", but since Mr. Lewis is "a very special customer", they're willing to overlook the fact that he hasn't signed her in. He prompts her to say that she's a relative of his (Edward's) and she agrees, saying that she's his niece. He confirms that he won't see her again once Mr. Lewis leaves and assumes she has no other uncles here and she just rolls her eyes. When he encourages her to "dress more appropriately", she tells him she tried, and this is when he gets on the phone and asks for women's clothing. Now I wasn't sure if this was part of the hotel because when we see her getting the dress, it looks like she's in a hotel, but when Bernard calls, he introduces himself as being from the Beverly Wilshire. She ends up getting a cocktail dress and heels that she wears to dinner that night with Edward.

The next day she will go with Edward to continue shopping, but this time she's wearing a white shirt over her hooker attire (which has to stink; this is the third day she's worn it!), but this time she's wearing heels so at least the look doesn't scream STREET WALKER. They go to a store and this is when we get the "Pretty Woman" montage with Vivian trying on all the clothes she will buy. Of course, this is when we get the famous scene where she's all dolled up in her white dress and black hat looking gorgeous and she goes back to the snooty store and asks them if they remember her. Of course they don't recognized her, so she reminds them she was in there yesterday and they wouldn't wait on her. When she asks if they work on commission and they confirm, she holds up her many shopping bags and tells them, "Big mistake. Big. Huge." It's probably the most famous scene in the movie so I get why they plotted it that way.

When she returns to the hotel in her sophisticated new look, Bernard looks like a proud dad. Before she went to the fancy dinner with Edward and Mr. Morse and his grandson, Bernard had taught her what fork to use for what item and how to behave like a lady. Isn't this what he does for Mia Thermopolis before she becomes the Princess of Genova? They should have had Hector Elizondo play the same character in The Princess Diaries! Maybe Bernard gets promoted to being an assistant for Queen Julie Andrews! Missed opportunity there! 

So at the fancy dinner, Edwards orders food for Vivian while she's in the ladies' room and when she comes back, she finds a plate of escargots. Now I've had escargots a couple times at a French restaurant (they were good!), but they were much smaller and weren't in the shell like they are here. She has to use some kind of tool to crack the shell and ends up sending the snail flying. You would think at a fancy restaurant, they would have the escargots all prepared; it seems like a pain trying to crack the shell, and honestly, it didn't look that appetizing either. 

To be honest, I didn't quite understand/care about the business parts of this movie (boring!), but all I know is that Edward wants to buy Morse Industries, but Mr. Morse doesn't want to sell and wants his grandson, David to take over. Something like that. 

Edward and Vivian attend a polo game (it's all part of business because David plays in the game) and Phillip and his wife are also in attendance so Edward introduces Vivian to them. After the match, David comes over to say hi to Vivian and shows her his horse. Phillip sees this and is worried Vivian might be a spy working for the other side. He asks Edward how they met and what she does. He replies that he helped him with directions and that she's in "sales". Phillip presses more, but Edward won't tell him what she sells. Phillip asks him, "How do you know she hasn't attached herself to you and is bringing information to Morse?" He thinks she might be "industrial espionage." This is when Edward reveals that she's a hooker and he picked her up on Hollywood Boulevard. That's such a jerk move to do. While he talks to a VIP guest, Philip has a smug look on his face and walks over to Vivian and asks her if she's having a nice time and that it "must be quite a change from Hollywood Boulevard." Her smile quickly disappears and she's clearly uncomfortable. He explains that Edward told him and that her "secret is safe with [him]" and sleazily tells her that maybe they could get together sometime. 

Rightly, Vivian is angry at Edward and lashes out at him when they return to the penthouse. He tells her that he's not happy he told Phillip that, but makes an excuse that he's his lawyer and he's known him for ten years and that he (Phillip) thought she was "an industrial spy" and that he's "paranoid." 

They fight and Vivian tells him she's sorry she met him and that she ever got in his car. She gathers her stuff and asks for her money, but when he throws it on the bed, she doesn't take it. While waiting for the elevator, he apologizes, saying he doesn't want her to go and admits he was jealous when she was talking to David. She stays and tells him he hurt her and not to do it again.

We find out Vivian ended up in L.A. because she followed a guy there, but quickly found herself without any money or friends and it didn't work out with the guy. Before she became a prostitute, she worked at a couple fast food places, but couldn't make the rent and was too ashamed to go home. She met Kit and she made being a hooker "sound so great" (I'm guessing the money), and she started doing it and "got some regulars". I guess she wasn't too ashamed to do that! 

After the shopping montage and revenge line, the scene that's probably tied with it for most famous in the movie is when Vivian is wearing the iconic red dress and Edward shows her the (very expensive) necklace to go with it. When she reaches to touch it, he snaps the box close and she laughs. Everyone knows this scene even if they've never seen this movie. This is when they fly to San Fransisco to attend an opera. They see La Traviata and the main song is one of my favorites and one of the only opera songs I'm familiar with. They sit in balcony seats and after the opera, an elderly woman asks Vivian if she enjoyed it and she replies, "It was so good, I almost peed my pants." The woman is confused and Edward tells her, ""She said she like it better than Pirates of Penzance." Sure, it's a funny moment, but it doesn't make much sense. Usually people "pee their pants" if something scares them, not if they like something a lot. I liked the few seconds where the confused old woman is trying to figure out if that's what she actually said. 

The next day, Vivian suggests Edward take the day off and he agrees since he owns the company. Taking a day off is something Edward hardly does so you know this means that he has feelings for her! We see them eating a picnic in the park as he reads Shakespeare sonnets to her, then they have dinner in a diner. They end their day in bed with some passionate kissing and you know that she has feelings for him because when they first met, she told him she does "everything" except kiss on the mouth. I guess because it's too intimate and that's only reserved for people she has true feelings for. Now you know they are both in love! 

The week is nearly over and Edward tells Vivian that his business is nearly done and he'll be going back to New York. He tells her he would like to see her again and he can arrange for her to have an apartment, a car, and "a wide variety of stores that'll suck up to you anytime you want to go shopping." Vivian does not look thrilled. He asks her what she sees happening between them and she says "I don't know." She tells him about when she was a little girl and her mom used to lock her in the attic when she was bad "which was pretty often." She would pretend to be a princess "trapped in a tower by a wicked queen." A knight on a white horse would climb up the tower to rescue her. Never once when she thought about this fantasy did the knight say to her, "Come on, baby. I'll put you up in a great condo." Before they can discuss anything further, Edward gets a phone call from Phillip and needs to meet with Mr. Morse. He tells Vivian "this is all I'm capable of right now." Vivian replies, "It's a really good offer for a girl like me." She just wants more.

Kit comes to the hotel and they talk at the pool. Kit realizes her friend is in love with Edward, but Vivian denies it, but then pretty much admits it, but knows it won't work out and wants Kit to name someone that something like this has happened to before. Kit has to think, then comes up with Cinderella. (Well, actually she says "Cinder-f***ing-rella"). They just both laugh. 

Edward decides to work with Morse instead of buying his company and this doesn't make Philip happy. While he was being sleazy at the polo game, he physically assaults her and tries to sexually assault her at the penthouse, but Edward comes back in time before anything worse can happen and tells him to get out and to never come back. After making sure Vivian is okay, they talk about his previous offer. She tells him a few months ago, she would have taken it, but things have changed and now she "wants more", she "wants the fairy tale." He basically tells her he can't offer her that. He pays her and gives her his card, telling her that if she ever needs anything, for her to call him. Before she leaves, he asks her to stay the night with him; not because he's paying her, but because he wants her to. She tells him she can't. 

After Vivian says goodbye to Bernard, he insists that he have Darryl (the hotel's designated driver, it seems) drive her wherever she needs to go instead of taking a cab. The next day, back at her crappy apartment with Kit, we find out she plans to move to San Francisco where she'll get a job and finish high school. She gives Kit money and says it's "from the Edward Lewis scholarship fund." I'm not sure how much she gave her, but I'm assuming at least half. Is this really a good idea to give a drug addict all that money? Hmm, probably not. They say goodbye because Vivian's bus will arrive within an hour...gee, I hope that's enough time for a certain somebody to get there before she's gone forever! (Oh, it's not like you know what's going to happen at the end!) 

Back at the Beverly Wilshire, Edward tells Bernard that he'll need a car to the airport and he arranges for Darryl to take him wherever he needs to go. (Question: what if Darryl is driving someone else at that moment? Do they have other drivers on standby?) Edward also requests that the necklace be returned (oh, did I mention he was only borrowing it?). Bernard asks permission to open the box and look at it. He comments, "It must be so difficult to let go of something so beautiful." Subtle, Bernard. And if you didn't think Edward didn't get his point (or if the audience didn't get it), he adds that Darryl drove Vivian home yesterday, thus hinting that Darryl knows where she lives. 

Well, surprise, surprise, Edward ends up arriving at her apartment in the white limo (not a white horse, but close enough) and climbs up the fire escape. Once he reaches her, he asks, "So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?" and she replies, "She rescues him right back." They kiss and I roll my eyes. This would be a great time to comment about the trailer because this exchange is in it! What the hell? Why would you show the very last scene in the movie? Also, it seems they're telling the audience that they end up together in the end. The trailer for this movie makes it look like a slapstick comedy. She's a prostitute who doesn't know how to behave in social situations and must learn how to act like a lady! He's the millionaire who can't seem to find love and ends up falling for her! Hijinx ensue! 

Also, we can all agree these two aren't staying together, right? I give it six months, tops. Ironically, it probably would have been better for her to go to San Francisco and finish school there. In New York, she's probably just going to be Edward's trophy girlfriend and just sit around in his nice apartment and go shopping all the time. Sure, it sounds cushy, but what's going to happen once they break up? She'll probably end up on the streets again! 

However, if they do make it and end up together and have children, there's no way they're going to tell their kids how they met, right? They're going to need to come up with a cover story! 

This movie is a bit unrealistic, but it is a '90s classic for sure. 

Love Stories

Valentine's Day

Director: Garry Marshall

Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Julia Roberts, Jamie Foxx, Anne Hathaway, Hector Elizondo, Shirley McClaine, and a million other people

Released: February 10, 2010

When I start watching a movie, the first thing I usually do is check to see how long it is and this one is a little over two hours. At first, I was surprised (and a little annoyed, ha!) because why would some romcom be over two hours long, but then I remembered that half of Hollywood is in this movie and there are a billion little storylines, so that quickly explained that. 

I feel like Garry Marshall watched Love, Actually (which would have come out 7 years prior) and wanted to do that except have it set in L.A on Valentine's Day. There's even a plot line that's sorta similar to one in Love, Actually, but I'll explain more when I get there. 

It's clear Garry picked up the phone to call many of his favorite people to work with: Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman and Runaway Bride, Anne Hathaway from The Princess Diaries, Hector Elizondo from pretty much everything he's directed, and Patrick Dempsey and Eric Dane from the one episode of Grey's Anatomy he directed. Just kidding. He never directed an episode of Grey's Anatomy, but I did have to double check to see if he did or not since two actors from that show are in this movie!  

As you can imagine, some of the storylines collide with each other. There are at least two, maybe three (hell, perhaps even four) storylines that could have easily been cut and it wouldn't have affected the movie at all, but I'll tell you about those later. 

It's Valentine's Day morning and Reed (Ashton Kutcher) has just proposed to his girlfriend, Morley (Jessica Alba) and she says yes. (By the way, I had to look up pretty much everyone's characters name because I only remembered a couple of their names in the movie!) Reed sells flowers and obviously this is a big day for his business and he's got his friend and co-worker, Alphonso (George Lopez) to help him on this big day. 

Reed is friends with Julia (Jennifer Garner) and she has recently started dating a cardiothoracic surgeon named Dr. Derek Sheperd, oops, I mean Dr. Harrison Copeland (Patrick Dempsey - actually, Dr. Shepard was a neurosurgeon, wasn't he?). Haha, I wonder if they call him Dr. McDreamy at his hospital? Julia is so in love with him and basically has hearts for eyes. Unfortunately, he can't spend the day with her because he has to go to San Francisco for something work related. Later, we'll see him call Julia from his car, telling her he's just gotten to the airport, but in actuality, he's pulling into the driveway of a nice house. My first thought was, OMG! He's married! and not five seconds later we see him take a ring out of his pocket and slide it onto his finger. What a jerk! 

Julia goes to see Reed and she's a little surprised that Morley said yes to his proposal, but is happy for him. When she tells him her new flame will be in San Francisco for the day (so she thinks!), he suggests that she go up there and surprise him. Boy, he's going to regret suggesting that when Dr. Copeland will stop by his flower shop in a few hours to buy two arrangement for his two ladies. Before he gives his credit card to Reed, he asks if he can be discreet about this. He agrees, but then when he recognizes his name on the card, he clarifies that Julia Fitzpatrick is his girlfriend and Pamela Copeland is his wife since she has the same last name as him. 

He's having a huge dilemma of whether he should tell Julia or not that her boyfriend is married. He asks Alphonso what he would do and Alphonso asks him what HE would do if the roles were reversed. Reed knows he needs to tell Julia and he tries to when he delivers the flowers from Harrison to her, but isn't able to. 

Unfortunately, Reed will get hit with his own dose of bad news when he comes home to find Morley packing a suitcase and tells him she is leaving him and can't marry him. I saw this coming a mile away because in an earlier scene he asks why she's not wearing her ring and she tells him she doesn't want people asking a bunch of questions since it's Valentine's Day and that they should keep their engagement secret for now. At the last minute, and I mean at the very last minute, he runs to the airport where Julia is waiting to board a plane. He tells her that Harrison is married, but she thinks this means he used to be married and is still being stubborn. 

We see that Julia did not get on the plane, but instead went to the hospital where Dr. Copeland works and asks a nurse if he's working tonight and she says no. She then asks if he's married and the woman confirms he is and he and his wife just celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary. An older nurse comes over to Julia and whispers to her what restaurant he'll be at tonight and what time. It just so happens that one of Julia's students' (she's an elementary school teacher) dad is a maitre'd at that restaurant (or maybe he owns the place, hell, I don't know), so she is able to pretend to be a waitress for Harrison and his wife. At first, he's not paying attention as he's looking at the menu and talking to his wife as Julia pours them water, but when she announces she'll be their waitress, he chokes on his water. She tells them one of their specials is called "the lying, stinking pig." The wife is not getting the clue and is amused by this special and asks how it's made and Julia goes into gruesome detail (and some fast thinking for being put on the spot; guess she got the training when she was a spy in the CIA, haha) about what the chef does to its scrotum and heart. The wife says she'll go with the salmon, but Harrison stutters that he's not hungry. Surely, the wife had some suspicion. Oh, well, I suppose if she did, she decided to wait until they got home before she went off on him. This scene reminded me of the one in Adventures in Baby-Sitting when Elisabeth Shue sees Bradley Whitford with some girl in a restaurant when he told her he couldn't go out because his sister was sick and when she goes in to confront him she overhears him say to the girl, "Girls like you only come around once in a lifetime" which is a line he told Chris (Elisabeth's character) and she's like, "Or twice in the same night." 

Julia thanks her student's dad and picks up some carry out she's taking to a party and tells him to charge it to her "friend over there." He says he figured and tells her he also added some extra lobster tails and cheesecake, heh.

So now Reed's (one day) fiancee has left him and Julia's boyfriend is married. Guess who gets together? They find out they were meant for each other all along! How sweet! Okay, so that wraps up their storylines (for the most part), who's next? 

Like I said, Julia is an elementary school teacher (fourth or fifth grade) and one of her students is a boy named Edison. His grandparents are Edgar (Hector Elizondo) and Estelle (Shirley McClain). This is the storyline that (sort of) reminded me of Love, Actually when Liam Neeson's son tells him he's in love with a girl in his class. Edison tells his grandfather he wants to send flowers to his Valentine and we see him trying to order a bouquet of roses at Reed's shop even though he doesn't have enough money. I think we're supposed to think he has a crush on this girl in his class, Rani, an Indian girl who's also a good friend of his and they both play soccer together. Another one of their teammates calls her his girlfriend to Edison's face, but he denies it. But when Julia (Ms. Fitzpatrick to her students) is telling her students the history of Valentine's Day, he's the only one paying attention so I knew that he had a crush on his teacher. For some reason, his flowers aren't delivered to the school (probably because he didn't have enough money!), so he has to make it his mission to make sure his Valentine gets her flowers THAT day. He finds out from Rani that she has to work at her family's restaurant that night (and keep in mind this girl is ten) because they're hosting two parties: a wedding reception and an "I Hate Valentine's Day" party that Ms. Fitzpatrick will be attending because her friend Kara is hosting. Okay, let's put a pin in this story (there's not too much left to tell, but I need to introduce some other characters before I wrap it up. This movie's kind of a pain to try to summarize!) 

In a movie about love and Valentine's Day, we at least need one anti-Valentine's Day person and that is Kara (Jessica Biel) who hosts an annual "I Hate Valentine's Day" party. She is upset because nobody has RSVPed to her party, but don't worry, she ends up having a nice gathering. Julia is the first to arrive. At first she wasn't going to attend because she had planned to be in San Francisco surprising her boyfriend, but we all know how that turned out! There's a heart-shaped piñata and Julia takes a bat and just beats the crap out of it. Before she smashes the piñata, she twirls the bat around in her hand and it's very Sydney Bristow.

Kara is a publicist for an "aging" (he's 35) football player named Sean Jackson (Eric Dane) who's thinking about retiring because he wants more out of life. He wants to call a press conference and everyone thinks he's going to announce his retirement. His agent is played by Queen Latifah and she has one amusing moment where she's getting a massage and when it turns out that Sean's big announcement is that he's gay (but he's still going to continue to play), she looks up and says, "I knew it!" 

But let's back up (again) and introduce another character. Kelvin (Jamie Foxx) is a sports journalist, but his producer, Susan (Kathy Bates), wants him to do a lifestyle piece (because it's a slow sports day, but this was before Sean Jackson announced he was holding a press conference) and ask people on the street "what does Valentine's Day mean to you?" Kelvin isn't thrilled about this because he wants to be taken seriously as a sports journalist and he's not a fan of Valentine's Day. (Guess who he ends up with?) I did laugh at his reply about Valentine's Day not even being a real holiday because they don't get the day off. I totally agree with him. If you don't get time and a half for woking on a holiday it's not a real holiday! When he hears that Sean Jackson (I have no idea why I keep calling him by his first and last name, maybe because that's how they referred to him in the movie) is announcing a press conference, he goes to Kara's office to ask is he can ask Sean one camera on question. Kara is in her office, stuffing chocolate in her mouth, a little unhinged, and asks him if she's the only person who's alone on Valentine's Day and tells him how her best friend is candy and the only relationship she has is with her Blackberry. (Haha, this movie is so dated.) Now I don't know if this is the first time these two have met, but it's super cringe and she breaks down and he's trying to comfort her. Anyway, he is able to get his question for Sean Jackson and he ends up coming to Kara's party (because he hates Valentine's Day too!). They share a kiss at the end of the movie and I guess they end up together. 

We get a storyline set on an airplane where U.S. army captain Kate (Julia Roberts) is sitting next to a well-dressed man named Holden (Bradley Cooper). They strike up a conversation and we learn that Kate is on a one-day leave. Holden tells her he thinks it's a romantic gesture what she's doing since she's taking a fourteen hour flight just to be home for one day, then turn around the next day and take another fourteen hour flight back and mentions the guy she's going to see is a lucky man. Okay, right away I knew she wasn't going home to see a husband or a boyfriend or any kind of romantic partner. I knew that Edison was her son and he was who she was going home to see. I knew this because when Edison is playing soccer we see him looking at the moms cheering on their kids and he looks really sad. I thought it was weird that she never corrected him and told him she had a son and was going home to see him. I guess it's because they wanted it to be a surprise for the audience. Well, you're not fooling me, Garry Marshall! It is a sweet moment when she comes home and hugs her son and I may or may not have had something in my eyes during that scene. We also find out that Holden is in a relationship with Sean Jackson. So I guess they were in a relationship, but it wasn't public since Sean wasn't officially out? 

Okay, let's go back to Edison for a second. For some reason, he has a baby-sitter even though he has two able-bodied grandparents who are able to take care of. Grace (Emma Roberts) is a high school senior who watches him after school. I would understand if the grandparents weren't home to watch him, but there's a scene of her at their house and she's talking to them. If the grandparents are home, why do they need a baby-sitter? Okay, this scene will come into play later so I get why it's there. 

Let's talk about Grace's (very cringey) storyline. That morning, her teacher asks her if she can help with a "test-prep group for the class" after school, but Grace tells her she has to baby-sit. When she asks if she can do it during lunch, she tells her she can't because she plans to have sex with her boyfriend for the first time and they're going to her house during lunch break because her parents will be at work. I for sure thought she was trying to get out of helping the teacher and just said that so the teacher would be uncomfortable (which she was!) and leave it alone, but no, Grace was being serious. She even offers to help her the next day with the study group. 

During lunch break, Grace's boyfriend, Alex (Carter Jenkins, the only person in the main cast I wasn't familiar with), gets to her house first (he knows where the key is hidden; under a doormat, with an obvious hiding place like that, they're probably going to get burglarized) and heads up to her room and covers her bed in rose petals and lights a bunch of candles. It's the most cliche thing ever. Also, isn't lunch break usually only half an hour? And they have to drive home, then back to school? This all just seems very rushed and not very special or romantic. Are they just doing this today because it's Valentine's Day? I guess. Alex is an inspiring musician and has brought his guitar and starts playing it and singing a cheesy song about her. He is completely naked (ready to go, I guess!) and the guitar is strategically placed around him. In a very predictable move, we see the front door open and in walks Grace's mom! I guess she had to come home form work to get something. She can hear the music upstairs and thinks Grace is home, so she opens the door to get quite the surprise. Alex also gets quite the surprise too and falls onto Grace's bed. We get a very awkward scene where he tells his girlfriend's mom the reason he is naked because he's rehearsing for "an experimental show". (Okay, but why is he "practicing" in Grace's room?) He stands up and steps on a thorn of a rose, then backs up and crashes into one of Grace's shelves, then he bumps heads with Grace's mom. You would think the mom would tell him to get dressed, close the door, then they could discuss what he was doing. Alex wraps his jacket around his wait and grabs his guitar case and runs out of the house completely naked, but he's covered up. He runs down the block and runs into Grace who is on her way home. She stops and lets him in the car and he tells her what just happened. Boy, she must have been mortified that her mom saw her boyfriend naked in her bedroom! 

So they decide to wait to have sex because reasons I don't even remember. Grace chats with Edgar and Estelle and asks them who's only been with one person and they tell her they are those people. Except lies! Because Estelle confesses to Edgar that she had an affair with his business partner many years ago. Damn, that's cold, Estelle! When he asks why she's telling him this now, she replies she wanted to tell him the truth and he tells her, "The truth makes everything else seem like a lie."

There are a couple storylines that could have been deleted from the movie. One of them is the relationship between Liz (Anne Hathaway) and Jason (Topher Grace - thank goodness I have the Wikipedia cast list up because I would not have remembered their character's names!). They recently started dating and go on a dinner date. They go to this super crowded restaurant where the tables are literally right next to each other and they're sitting shoulder to shoulder with the other patrons and are across from each other and have to talk loudly to be heard. The couple next to them are leaning across the table and making out and the other couple next to them is fighting. It doesn't seem very fun or intimate. One of the moments of dialogue I genuinely laughed at is when the waiter comes over and asks them, "Would you like the four-course Sweetheart's Menu or the eight-course Eternal Love?" and Jason replies, "Whoa slow down. Is there a one-course 'only been dating
for two weeks but it looks promising option?'" Yeah, that's pretty awkward, but I think his reply was pretty good. 

During their scenes together or when Liz is at work, she has to take calls because she makes extra money on the side as a phone sex operator. It's all very PG-13 dirty talk and she talks in accents, usually Russian or Southern. She seems to have the same two clients. During the dinner date, she has to excuse herself to take one of these calls and goes outside. Jason (he doesn't know what she does on the side) goes to find her and overhears her "talking dirty" (I say it in quotes because it's pretty tame) in a Southern accent to someone who he believes is her boyfriend. This guy is really dumb...any idiot would realize what she's doing. She admits she's a phone sex operator and when he asks why she didn't tell him she says it's because she's broke and has a $100,000 student loan and no insurance. So I guess because of shame? He's such a jerk and tells her "I'm out." But why? Because she's the a phone sex operator? Because she's broke? For some reason, after he tells her that, she asks if he's going to call her, but I guess this is so he can be snarky and reply, "I'd like to say yes, but I don't know if I can afford it." He does immediately apologize for saying that, but says this is all too much for him.

So I would say this is a storyline that could be deleted, but it does merge with the Edgar and Estelle storyline. Both couples are supposed to go to a movie night in the cemetery, but the guys end up going alone and they start chatting about their forlorn love lives. Edgar and Estelle go every year on Valentine's and this is the first time he's been there without Estelle. The movie they're showing is a 1958 movie Shirely McClaine was in called Hot Spell, so I guess Estelle is/was an actress, but I don't know if this is supposed to be Hot Spell or another movie because Shirley McClaine isn't playing herself. Anyway, Estelle comes to the screening and she and Edgar make up and kiss in front of a huge crowd of people and everyone claps. Also, Jason realizes he was being a jerk to Liz and they make up and get together. 

I would also say you could delete the Emma Robert and her boyfriend storyline, but it also connects to Edgar and Estelle. One storyline you could definitely delete and it wouldn't affect the movie is the Taylor Swift and Taylor Launter one. They play a dating high school couple and they're friends with Grace and Alex, but that's really only the connection they have with other characters in the movie. The Taylor Swift song "Today Was a Fairytale" is featured during the movie and at the end credits. I thought she specifically wrote it for the movie, but looking at Wikipedia (which I already had up!) she had already written it and offered it to be used in the movie. Taylor Swift has many, many amazing songs and this....is not one of them. It's very bland and generic, much like this movie! 

The absolute best part of this film is the very, very end when they're showing the bloopers and the last blooper we see is Julia Roberts being driven home in a car and they go past Rodeo Drive and the driver asks her if she's ever been there and she replies she has and it was a "Big mistake, huge!" 

Wickedly Cool Stepmother

Stepmom

Director: Chris Colombus

Cast: Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Ed Harris, Jena Malone, Liam Aiken

Released: December 25, 1998

This might be my favorite late-'90s Julia Roberts movie. It certainly isn't Notting Hill or Runaway Bride because those movies made me want to tear my hair out. My Best Friend's Wedding isn't as bad as those two, but still managed to drive me crazy. It's been a very long time since I've seen Stepmom and honestly, I thought I was going to hate it, but actually really quite liked it. The only things I remembered about it was the "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" dance scene and that the ending was very sad. Oh, and just in case you've never seen this, there will be spoilers).

Jackie (Susan Sarandon) and Luke (Ed Harris) are parents to twelve-year-old Anna (Jena Malone) and seven-year-old Ben (Liam Aiken). They are now divorced (probably a couple years now) and Luke has been dating Isabel (Julia Roberts) for a year and she moved in with him in his Manhattan loft and has been living with him for a month. Oh, yeah, everyone is really rich in this movie. Luke is a lawyer, Isabel is a photographer and shoots photo spreads and ads for well-known fashion magazines, and while Jackie doesn't work anymore, she used to work at Random House and lives in this huge Victorian house with a wraparound porch that's by a lake. This house is ridiculously gorgeous and amazing and I would love to live in it! I guess there's plenty of other problems for the characters in this movie to have, but financial problems won't be one of them! 

When the movie starts, I thought Isabel was already their stepmom because the kids are at the loft and she's trying to get them up and ready for school. Luke isn't there (it's implied he works a lot and that's one of the reasons why he and Jackie got divorced) and Isabel isn't having much luck with the kids. Ben, who is an aspiring magician, is hiding from her (he seems to do this a lot)  and Anna is ticked at her because it's "purple shirt day" at school and Isabel forgot to wash her purple shirt. Isabel makes up some bs excuse of how she didn't forget, she was up all night thinking that Anna shouldn't wear the same color as everyone else and gives her a red shirt to wear instead. 

When Isabel starts making breakfast for them, she opens one of the cabinets and that's when she (and the audience) discover that Ben was hiding in there. Um, no. There is no way that child could fit in the cupboard. Especially when we see not only is there a divider, but both shelves are stocked full of boxes and cans of food. Heh, I'm not the only one to complain about this. This is also mentioned in the "goofs" section of its IMDb page. 

Jackie arrives to pick them up and the kids are overjoyed to see her. She tells Isabel, "I'll handle it from here." Clearly, she thinks Isabel can't take care of her children. 

So, yes, Isabel is not their stepmom at the beginning of the movie; in fact, while Luke does propose to her, she never becomes their stepmom during the duration of the movie (which starts in September or October and ends at Christmas; I'm guessing they had a spring or summer wedding). When Jackie and Luke are having a meeting with Anna's school counselor (or maybe it was just her teacher), we get exposition about the relationship between Luke and Isabel. Anna's parents have been called for a conference because apparently she told the school her parents were getting remarried and the family was moving to Switzerland. The teacher/counselor tells Anna's parents that Anna seems "apathetic toward her work knowing she's leaving before this semester." Jackie and Luke are quick to tell her that is absolutely not true and when the counselor/teacher asks them could there be anything going on at home for Anna to make up this stuff, this is when we find out about the living arrangement with Luke and Isabel. Jackie says she's half his age, but Luke says she's not. Clearly, she is younger than him, but we are never given the ages of the adult characters, so I can't verify if she is indeed half his age. However, if we're never given an age for a character, I always just assume they're the same age as the actor playing them. Ed Harris is seventeen years older than Julia Roberts, so Jackie is pretty much right that she is half his age. Unless, of course Ed Harris is supposed to be playing younger and Julia Roberts is supposed to be playing older. The counselor/teacher thinks Anna may be responding to the "underlying hostility" between her mother and Isabel. 

During a scene between Luke and Isabel at their loft, things are a bit tense because he's going to Pittsburgh for work and tells her he'll call a baby-sitter because he doesn't "expect [her] to handle [the kids herself]." Um, why can't the kids just stay with their mom? I don't understand why Luke would go to the trouble of getting a baby-sitter for the weekend instead of just asking Jackie to take care of them. Of course, the film's plot needs Isabel to watch them, so they can't have the kids stay with their mom. If they had put in a throwaway line about Jackie being busy that weekend, that would have helped a lot. Isabel tells him he means that he doesn't think she can handle them herself. She asks him to give her a chance to watch the kids, so he agrees.

While they're having this conversation, the phone rings three times and Isabel answers each time, but nobody replies. It's actually Anna on the other end and she's clearly pissed every time Isabel answers. I don't know why she just doesn't ask her to speak to her dad; she knows that Isabel lives there so it shouldn't be that surprising Isabel is answering the phone. By the third time Isabel answers the phone and doesn't get a reply, she says, "What is your problem, a$$h@le?" and Anna (finally) replies, "YOU are my problem!" (I thought she was going to call Isabel an a-hole, too, but she doesn't.) I don't know what possessed Isabel to answer the phone like that. Okay, I get things were already a little tense between her and Luke and she was annoyed that nobody was answering the phone, but why not tell Luke to answer the phone the third time it rings? Did it even occur to her that it might be one of his kids calling? She already knows they're not crazy about her so it makes sense they would be petty and not want to talk to her when she answers the phone. 

When she takes care of the kids, Luke, the aspiring magician, is making a "magic potion" that he put a spell on and whoever drinks it will go to sleep for one thousand years. It's just hot cocoa and he brings it over to Anna who's working on her drawings (if Luke is an aspiring magician, Anna is an aspiring artist) and she threatens if he spills it on her stuff, she'll put him to sleep for a thousand years. I kept waiting for the cocoa to spill and the siblings to get into a huge fight, but it never happens. 

Isabel comes into the room and tells them she has a surprise for them and has them sit on the couch with their eyes closed. She presents them with an adorable golden retriever puppy. Ben is thrilled, but the first thing Anna tells her is she's allergic to dogs. Isabel tells her that her dad didn't say anything about it (so it sounds like she got permission from their father to get them a dog) and Anna replies that he probably doesn't know she's allergic because he's never around. I'm sorry, this is such bs. I think her dad would know if she's allergic to anything. He may be busy with work, but he still spends time with his kids and would know details like that. Also, we'll later see Anna cuddling with the puppy. She's just saying this because she wants to hurt Isabel and is being a brat. She continue being a brat when Isabel tells them they should give the puppy a name and Anna suggests "Isabel" because she smells like her and, as she tells Isabel, "And I'm allergic to you, too. It fits perfectly." She goes to her room and Isabel follows her and tells her she would really like it if they could get along and Anna tells her she doesn't have to listen to her because "you're not my mother", to which Isabel replies, "Thank God for that!" When she realizes she's hurt Anna's feelings, she tells her, "What I meant to say is you have a great mom. You don't need another one." Heh, nice "save", Isabel. She adds that she would like to be treated with some respect when Anna is in this house. Anna tells her this is her dad's house, but Isabel is quick to remind her that this is her home too. Anna tells her to get out of her room, so she does and this is when we see Anna pick up the puppy who's come over to her door and she cuddles with it for the rest of the night. One thing I like about this movie is that the relationship between Isabel and her boyfriend's/fiancé's kids (especially Anna) is very realistic. It makes sense why these kids don't like her because they want their parents to get back together and they resent Isabel very much. 

Isabel reads to Ben who tells her to drink the cocoa because he made it specifically for her. She starts to get very sleepy and eventually falls asleep in the middle of reading. I thought Ben would think his magic potion worked, you know, since he said it would put anyone who drank it asleep for a thousand years, but instead he tells Anna that he killed her. It was all just very odd. 

The next morning, Isabel is late arriving with the kids late to Jackie's (amazingly ridiculously gorgeous) house. Jackie is mad because it's 7:23 and Isabel and the kids were supposed to be there at 6:30 because Anna had a riding lesson. (Ugh, who would want to have a riding lesson that early? I used to take take horseback riding lessons and they were seven in the evening!) Isabel tells her that it's Monday and Annas's riding lessons are on Tuesday, but Jackie corrects her and says, "Except for the third Tuesday of the month, which switches to Monday." Okay, that sounds way complicated! Also, wouldn't Anna know this and remind Isabel? Unless, she specifically didn't tell her to sabotage her which is I'm guessing what happened. Isabel asks for a cup of coffee and Jackie says she doesn't have any. She must be the only adult in the country not to have coffee in her house! Though, granted, I don't keep coffee in my apartment. (What's the point when both Starbucks and Scooters are less than five minutes from where you live?) 

You can tell there's already tension between Isabel and Anna because when the kids go upstairs to get ready for school, Anna is glaring at her. I thought she was still mad at Isabel about the previous night, but when Jackie asks her what happened, Isabel tells her that Anna saw her and Luke in the shower that morning when she "sort of walked in without even knocking." Who goes into a bathroom without knocking when the door is closed? And didn't Anna hear the shower running? I completely blame this on Anna...she's old enough to know better. Jackie wants to know if either her or Luke talked to Anna about it afterwards and Isabel tells her no, that she thought it would be uncomfortable for her and Jackie responds, "You mean for you." Uh, if I were Anna, I wouldn't want anyone to bring up me walking in on my dad with his girlfriend in the shower. No, I don't need to have a "conversation" about that; I'd rather just pretend it never happened! 

The two women start arguing and Jackie tells Isabel she could never be a mother because she is so self-involved and Isabel tells her maybe the problem is Anna and that "she is a spoiled, wiseass little brat." Look, I don't disagree with Isabel, but maybe not the best thing to say to the girl's mother. Of course, this pisses off Jackie and she tells Isabel to get out of her house. 

The next Saturday afternoon, both the kids are with Isabel in Central Park at a professional photo shoot because both their parents are busy. Isabel is shooting a woman with a long blonde braid wig (she is supposed to be Rapunzel) at Belvedere Castle in Central Park (I've been to Central Park and had no idea there was a "castle" there!). A guy in rock climbing gear is climbing up the castle wall, using her braid. I have no idea what product they're selling here. Rock climbing paraphernalia? I had to laugh when Ben tells his sister, "Wouldn't it be cool if her hair came out of her armpit?" That just seems like something a little boy would find "cool". Anna had the same reaction as I did; she looks disgusted and replies, "Sick." 

The kids start whining to Isabel that they're hungry. Apparently, they've been there for five hours! Good Lord, that is a long time! Isabel tosses Luke her coin purse and tells the kids to get some ice cream. We see time has elapsed and Anna has fallen asleep after eating her ice cream. Ben isn't with her and Isabel wakes Anna up, asking where he is. Anna doesn't know and a panicked Isabel starts screaming his name. (That has to be a terrifying situation to be in; my mind would go straight to the worst possible scenario). Anna thinks he may have been kidnapped (apparently, her mind also goes straight to the worst possible scenario), but Isabel assures her (but let's face its, she's trying to assure herself, mostly) that isn't the case; that "he's just hiding."

We never see Ben get found; but she must have called the police and they must have told them a police officer found him because Isabel and Ben's parents come rushing to the police station where he is sitting with some officers, showing them a magic trick. The police tell them they found him at the zoo. Isabel apologizes to Jackie, but she ignores her and tells Luke, "That woman is to have nothing more to do with my children" and Luke corrects her and says, "Our children." Jackie tells both of them she's getting a court order and that Isabel "will never be with these children alone again." I understand why she's so upset, but she's being a tad overdramatic. She must think the same thing because later, when Luke asks her not to go through with it, she tells him she's going to give him one last chance.

Soon after, Jackie is late picking up the kids from school. So late, in fact, that the school calls Isabel's place of work and ask if she can pick them up. The kids can't believe their mom forgot about them. Ben tells Isabel that's something she would do and Isabel tells them that's exactly what happened. She makes up a story about how their mom had to help a friend with an emergency and called to ask her to pick up the kids. Isabel says she got caught up at work and just forgot. At this moment, we see Jackie walk in and take the kids home. She looks at Isabel, but doesn't tell her thank you or anything. She and the kids just walk out of the school. 

Later, Jackie asks Isabel if she can watch the kids Saturday afternoon because she has an appointment. This appointment is a doctor's appointment and Jackie finds out she has cancer. She is meeting Luke at a restaurant and he tells her he has news too, so she tells him to go first. Clearly, she is procrastinating in telling him the news! Luke's news isn't too surprising. He tells Jackie he's going to ask Isabel to marry him and he wants her to be okay with it for the kids' sake. He knows if Jackie will be okay with it, so will the kids. When he asks what her news is, she says it was nothing and that they "have quite enough to deal with" just with his news. Yep, totally avoiding telling him! 

We see the proposal scene, then soon after we get a scene where Luke and Jackie tell the kids the news and they are not happy. (Interesting that it was Luke and Jackie telling them, and not Luke and Isabel, but I think this way does make more sense). Jackie tells her kids that Isabel isn't going to take her place as their mom (eh, that's debatable!) and Luke says, "Isabel's going to be in your life and hopefully you can learn to accept her." Jackie comforts her crying daughter, who really thought her parents would get back together (even though she is too old to think that would happen) and tells her life is unfair and full of hard choices, but she has a choice: "You can either take the hard things and make your life better or you can make it worse." She tells her to see the good side of Isabel and what she brings to her dad's life and to hers. This is showing real character growth for Jackie. 

So that is exactly what Anna does. Halloween soon rolls around and Ben is dressed as a wizard (or maybe he's dressed as a magician dressed as a wizard?) and Anna is dressed as Elvis. (Isn't sixth grade a little too old to still be trick-or-treating?) It is still broad daylight when they're trick or treating, so they must be doing this around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I looked up to see what day Halloween was on in 1998 and it was on a Saturday, so they didn't have to worry about school, so they could have easily gone in the evening. This seems so weird to me...usually when kids trick or treat, it's already dark. I understand that they probably did it this way because it's probably more convenient to film during the day. Anna tells her mom she's been thinking about what she said about Isabel and to see the "good side" of her. Perhaps she took her mother's advice a little too well because she goes on about how Isabel knows all about "clothes and stuff" and that she knows "every rock 'n' roll song ever written" and she knows all the "cool junk food places to eat." She concludes with, "Once you get to know her, she's kinda cool." I can see a twelve-year-old girl being into a young, cool stepmom type who knows about clothes and junk food. The rock 'n' roll music? Eh, young kids wouldn't care about that. Now if Isabel knew about current music, then she would definitely be in with Anna. She tells her mom not to tell Isabel what she told her. Oh, Anna, I don't think you have to worry about that! 

Turns out Jackie is starting to feel a little insecure (and we get many instances of this) that when Anna drops the kids off at her house after picking them up from school, Jackie, right in front of Isabel, tells Anna that they are going to the Pearl Jam concert that night. After an excited Anna tells her mom she's the coolest and goes to get ready, Jackie tells Isabel, "That was a great idea, thanks." This is a low blow because Isabel had asked Jackie if she could take Anna to this concert and when Jackie found out it was on a Thursday night, she said absolutely not, she's too young for that. (I think she would've come up with an excuse not to let Isabel take her if it was on weekend night). I guess Jackie wasn't worried about it being on a school night; she just wanted her daughter to think she was the cool one. 

Jackie has started undergoing chemotherapy and she still hasn't told anyone about her illness. At Anna's soccer game, Isabel asks Jackie if she's feeling all right and says she looks a "little tired." Jackie tells her, "I hate when people say that. It's a polite way of telling you look like sh*t." Yes! This annoys me too! Especially if you're not tired when people tell you that! Luckily (er, maybe that's not the right word) I always AM tired so when people tell me that, it's usually because I am! Isabel tells her she's noticed she's been busy lately and asks her if she's seeing anyone. Jackie tells her she's been spending some time with her old boss and "trying to decide whether or not [she's] going back to Random House."

Jackie starts her chemotherapy treatment and isn't doing to well. She calls Isabel to tell her she got a call from Random House and they want her to come in that afternoon to meet with the editor. She won't be back in time to pick up Ben at a birthday party and asks Isabel if she get him and Isabel tells her she can. 

For some reason, when Isabel is driving down the highway, she has the window open.... even though it's November. And they're in New York. There's absolutely no reason why she should have the window rolled down, but they need to have her lose the piece of paper with the address she wrote down on it. She's holding it while she's also looking at the map and while she's messing with the map, the little piece of paper flies out the window. I also thought she was going to lose the map, but she doesn't. They need this to happen so she can call Random House to ask Jackie for the address, but only for her to find out that Jackie, in fact, is NOT there and the woman tells her she hasn't seen Jackie since she left Random House eleven years ago.

After Isabel drops Ben off at Jackie's (extremely exquisite) house (guess she was able to pick him up without the address!), Jackie goes inside with him, talking about the party and Isabel starts going through Jackie's mail which she had brought outside with her in a little sitting area in the yard while she waited for Ben to come home. While Isabel is rifling through it (shame, shame!), she finds someone from Random House has typed her a note that says, "Can't wait to see you here. I know you're anxious, but it's going to be wonderful. Everything will work out perfectly." She also finds round trip airline tickets to Los Angeles. She puts the mail back before Jackie returns, but quickly confronts her and tells her she knows her secret. There's a moment of surprise that passes over Jackie's face and she's probably wondering how Isabel knows she has cancer, but in the same breath, Isabel tells her she saw the note and the airline tickets and that she knows she's not working at Random House in New York. She accuses Jackie of taking the kids and moving to L.A. At this point, I'm confused because while I don't know why she's going to L.A., I know she's not moving across the country for a new job. I get even more confused when Jackie pretty much confirms Isabel's suspicions when she tells her she thought she would have loved this because "you lose the witch and her two little brats in one swoop. Simplifies everything. You get your life back." The two argue back and forth: Isabel tells her there's plenty of publishing houses in New York she can get a job at and Jackie tells her it's called "bi-coastal parenting" and that Luke will get the kids every other holiday and one month in the summer and adds, "It's not ideal, but it works." Gee, that sounds awful! I'm not sure what their arrangement is now, but it seems like the kids are with their mom during the week and their dad on weekends, and while I don't know how far away their parents live from each other, it's sure a hell of a lot closer than flying across the entire country! I've flown across only half the country and that felt long to me! Isabel tells her she can't take Luke's kids away from him; that "We can't live like that!" Jackie questions the "we" and tells her it's not her problem and that Luke should talk to her (Jackie). Isabel disagrees and tells her she's going to marry Luke and they're going to share their life together. As she tells Jackie, "His kids are everything to him and he would be devastated not to be near them." 

So after all this, Jackie tells her she's wrong about everything and explains a colleague of hers wrote the note. This colleague now lives in L.A. and Jackie will be staying with her while she gets protein injections that were recommended by her oncologist and you can only get them in L.A. Needless to say, Isabel is shocked to learn that Jackie has cancer and asks her if she's dying and Jackie replies, "Not today."  

Can we go back to that note for one second? The one that Jackie's colleague wrote to her that said, "Everything will work out perfectly." This seems very weird to write to someone who has cancer. (I'm assuming the friend knew why she was coming to L.A.) Why would you tell someone who has cancer that "Everything will work out perfectly."? (Spoiler alert: it doesn't). That seems a little...presumptuous to assume that. 

Now that Isabel knows about Jackie's cancer, she really has no choice but to tell Luke and together, they tell the kids. Anna is angry that her mom never told her about it until now even though she's known about it for a long time. Luke defends her and says she wanted to "wait until the right time" and Jackie tells them she didn't want to scare them and wanted to wait until her sickness was "smaller." Anna says that Isabel should be with them because it's Thursday and that's her day to pick them up. Ben says he'd rather be with his mom and Anna (quite harshly) tells him their mom is dying and Isabel is their new mom now (not quite yet, Anna, hold your horses!) She accuses her mother of lying to her and how she can never trust her again. When she runs upstairs, her dad tells her, "You do not run out on your mother!", she stops, turns around, looks back at him, and replies, "No, that's your job." Ooh, harsh burn! I audibly gasped when she said that. 

So later that evening, after Anna has had time to process everything and after Luke has left, we get the scene where Jackie dances and lip synchs to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" with her kids. Like I mentioned earlier, this is the only scene from the movie I remembered. 

During the kids' school's Thanksgiving pageant (it's kinda weird that Anna and Ben attend the same school since he's in elementary school and she should be in middle school, though technically I guess sixth grade (I'm pretty sure that's the grade she was in) could still be elementary school, but by 1998, that seemed kind of passé), Isabel tells Jackie that Anna's been "going out" with the "class heartthrob", Brad, for two weeks. For the record, Brad looks like a low-rent Devon Sawa. Very low-rent Devon Sawa. That day, during lunch, he publicly announced he was breaking up with her. Isabel knows all this because Anna told her when she picked her up from school that afternoon. She also told Isabel she cried in the bathroom (aw, poor thing) and she didn't tell her mom because she didn't want her making a big deal out of it. Isabel is telling Jackie all of this because Anna asked Isabel what she should do and Isabel told her she should talk to her mom and gives notice to Jackie that Anna's going to ask her tomorrow so she should be ready. 

The next day is Thanksgiving and as Jackie and Anna are setting the table, Anna tells her mom what she told Isabel yesterday and the reason Brad is breaking up with her is because she didn't let him kiss her with her mouth open (and before you ask, yes, Jackie did ask her if she let him kiss her with her mouth closed and Anna just gives her mom a look) and apparently Brad told his little minion friends this because every time they saw her, they would call her names like "Ice Princess." Hell, I would embrace a name like that. Makes you sound cool like you're Daenerys Targaryen. She says she retaliates and calls Brad names like "fart face" and Jackie's advice for her is that she should just ignore him. Since all he wants is the attention and once he doesn't get it, "he might try a little harder, but then he'll get frustrated and give up." Anna asks her mom if she thinks that's what Isabel would do and slightly throws shades at her mother when she tells her, "She's younger. Maybe she remembers how to do this." Hmm, I think Anna wanted Isabel's advice on this all along. To be fair, she DID ask for Isabel's advice and she was the one who told Anna to talk to her mom. 

So a few day later, when Isabel picks up the kids from school (she's late because she was working), she sees they're the only ones waiting outside and Anna is crying. After Isabel tells Ben to wait in the car, she asks Anna what happened and she tells her that her mom told her to ignore Brad, which she did, and he called her "Frosty the Snow Bitch" (remember, Christmas is right around the corner) in front of everyone. This kid really needs to be smacked. Preferably twice. Isabel says she has an idea, but Anna snivels and tells her no thanks, that she doesn't need advice from a stepmother (again, she's technically not their stepmother yet). Isabel says she has a choice: cry about it or do something about it. Anna chooses the latter and they go to a diner where Isabel hatches her plan: Monday after school she'll walk up to Brad "with attitude" and tell him "I'm not going to waste my time with some loser who doesn't even know what snowblowing is." Anna interrupts her to ask her what that means and she tells her, "It's a disgusting and not even remotely sexy thing" she once heard described in a movie she'd never take her to. My first thought was, is this movie Nine and a Half Weeks or Basic Instinct? I've never seen either of them but I know they're highly sexual, but I'm guessing she's talking about a fictional movie. Actually, I lied. That was not my first thought. I also wondered what snowblowing is and I don't know if this is a real thing and to be honest, I'm too scared to look it up on urban dictionary because if it is a real thing (which wouldn't surprise me), I am sure Isabel is telling the truth when she says its "disgusting" and frankly, I would rather not know! Please, let me remain in my ignorant bliss. Even if it wasn't something in 1998, I'm sure it became something (and this movie can take credit for it....but, uh, that's probably not something to be proud of!) 

Isabel continues and tells her after she says that, Anna will walk away, whip back around and say, "The guy I see is in high school and he laughs his ass off whenever we talk about you." She adds that there will be a "suitable boy" with "a very expensive bike" (she's talking about a moped, not a bicycle, for the record). "Suitable boy" makes me laugh because it makes it sound like she's going to find an average-looking boy, at best. Isabel does clear things up when she tells Anna, "He will be a stone fox, even if I have to call an escort service." Okay, eww, I hope she's joking because it is highly inappropriate (and some might even say illegal) to have a guy from an escort service flirt with a twelve-year-old girl. It's a good thing Jackie wasn't privy to this conversation! Also, consdering that Isabel is a fashion photographer, she has ample access to many good-looking (and hopefully age appropriate) male models to play the role of "Anna's new hot older boyfriend." 

So Monday afternoon rolls around and Isabel is standing by her car pretty much spying on Anna and Brad and everything that goes down between them. We know she's not even supposed to be there to pick up the kids because she's surprised when Jackie shows up and asks her what she's doing there and Jackie tells her she's there to pick up her kids. (Duh, Isabel!) So they're both watching Anna performing the skit that Isabel thought up for her and after she tells off Brad, she walks over to the bike rack and hugs a good-looking young male mode and he kisses her (well, it's more like a peck on the cheek). I would say he was no older than sixteen so at least he looked age appropriate. Still a little weird that a high schooler would date a girl who attends elementary school (or even middle school, but considering both Anna and Ben were waiting for Isabel outside the school together makes me think they attend the same school, unless one of their schools is nearby and the other walked to this school to wait for Isabel together...but I think I'm giving way too much thought about this and both kids go to the same school, thus making Anna a sixth grader who attends elementary school and it's super weird that a good-looking high school boy (or any high schooler) for that matter would ever date someone in elementary school). The more I write about this, the more I understand why Jackie was so upset! 

All of Brad's friends are ribbing him, calling him a "loser" and he just looks like an idiot with his mouth hanging open. Yeah, he doesn't look so hot compared to that male model! Jackie asks Isabel, "Who is that? He looks familiar. He looks like that guy in his underwear for Calvin Klein." Isabel corrects her, "Fully dressed for Ralph Lauren." Ha! I wouldn't be surprised if Jackie was right and he was also in the CK ad. After the male model gives Anna another peck on the cheek, she runs up to Isabel and hugs her, exclaiming, "It worked! It worked!" She should have at least pretended to leave with the model, but Brad did leave first, so I guess he wouldn't have seen anything. 

Of course, Jackie wants to know what's going on, so Isabel has to tell her what happened and she and Jackie get into a fight about the advice Isabel gave Anna. Jackie is not happy about certain words Isabel told Anna to use and the fact that she lied about having a boyfriend. Yeah, but she only lied to her lame, jerky ex and his equally lame minions, so I don't think she should be getting upset about that. Isabel asks her what she has done and Jackie replies, "You have turned her into you" and Isabel tells her she is trying and the she has the children's "best interests at heart." 

After their fight, they meet later at a restaurant and Jackie admits she lost Ben in the grocery store a year ago. Isabel confesses that she feels inferior compared to Jackie about being a mother; that she will never live up to her. Jackie has the history with the kids. Isabel talks about the future with Anna's wedding. She'll be in a room with Anna helping her with her dress and telling her how beautiful she is and she fears that Anna will be thinking, "I wish my mom was here." Jackie tells her that her fear is that Anna WON'T be thinking that. Then she says, "The truth is, she doesn't have to choose. She can have us both. Love us both. She will be a better person because of me. And because of you." She says that she has their past and Isabel can have their future. Susan Sarandon is crying, Julia Roberts is crying, I'M crying! OMG, the tears are flowing everywhere! 

The last scene takes place on Christmas and everyone is celebrating at Jackie's (astonishingly enchanting) house. In an earlier scene, her doctor had told her the chemotherapy hadn't worked but there are other options available like treatment in Paris or Switzerland. Jackie tells her she wants to spend what time she has left at home with her family. We aren't given a time frame of how exactly how much time she has left, but I think it's pretty apparent that this will be her last Christmas and it's so sad! 

Isabel, Luke, and the kids are downstairs and Jackie is upstairs in her room where she has requested some time alone with each kid separately so they can open their present and essentially have a "good-bye" scene with her. I was confused at first and thought maybe she was too weak to come downstairs to spend Christmas with the rest of the family, but that isn't the case. She just wants to have some quality time alone with each of her kids, then she will come downstairs. 

Ben goes upstairs first and Jackie has made him a magician's cape that have pictures of them together patched onto it. Ben asks his mom if she's dying and is sad that he won't see her anymore. She tells him since he's a magician he should know the secret of "just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it's not there", alluding to she'll always be with him inside and his heart and that they can still meet inside his dreams. He says it's not the same thing, which he is right! Before he leaves, he asks her to make sure his dad knows how to double knot his sneakers the way she does for school in the morning. Jackie says she will and looks so sad. It's so sad because he knows she won't always be around to do that! 

Anna comes in with a cup of tea for her mom and opens her present: a quilt Jackie has made with pictures of them together. She tells her daughter, "It's like a scrapbook you can keep warm with." Things start to get real when Anna asks her mom if she's scared and Jackie replies that she was mostly scared for her (Anna), but isn't anymore because she knows she's going to be okay. This shows real growth of the relationship between her and Isabel. Mother and daughter have a nice heart to heart, then Anna tells her, "I don't want to say goodbye. I'm going to miss you so much!" Oh, God, and here come the waterworks again!

Everyone (including Jackie) is downstairs opening the other gifts and Isabel is taking pictures. There's an earlier montage in the movie where she was taking photos of Jackie with her kids - reading to them, riding horses, ice skating, so it's nice that they'll have these memories of their mom's last moments to look back on. Isabel has the kids sits on the couch with their parents and takes their photo. Then Jackie says, "Let's get one with the whole family. Isabel?" and invites her to sit on the couch with them and Isabel sets the timer on her camera and the movie ends. And I'm probably still crying! 

Oh, in case you were wondering, here is a picture of the house I keep raving about. It's located in Nyack, New York and it only costs a little over 3 million! Luke and Jackie must have been making really good money if they could afford that! I wish I could create that house on Sims 3 (yes, I still play Sims 3; I could care less about Sims 4!), but I majorly suck at building things so that will never happen! 

Ready to Run

Runaway Bride

Director: Garry Marshall

Cast: Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Joan Cusack, Christopher Meloni, Hector Elizondo, Rita Wilson, Paul Dooley, Donal Logue

Released: July 30, 1999

More like Runaway Viewer, am I right?

This 1999 Julia Roberts rom-com might be even worse than her other 1999 rom-com, Notting Hill. Clearly, this was an excuse for Garry Marshall to capitalize on the success of Pretty Woman and make a movie with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere (and Hector Elizondo!) again. 

So much about this movie drove me crazy and didn't make any sense to me. Anyway, let's just get into it, shall we?

Ike Graham (Richard Gere) is a writer who lives in New York with his fluffy cat named Italics (which, I won't lie, I kinda love that he named his cat that) where he has his own column in USA Today and everyone seems to know who he is. We see him outside walking to a bar (where he apparently writes his columns; like that helps when there are drunk people around you talking and laughing or playing darts while you're trying to finish your column by a certain deadline) and the people on the streets of NYC are asking him what his next column is going to be or give him ideas on what he should write about.  

At the bar, a drunk man gives him an idea for a story he could write about. There's a woman from his hometown who dumps grooms at the altar. She is called "the runaway bride." The man tells Ike she's done this 7-8 times and she's already engaged to someone else. Without even interviewing her or anyone else (I guess he didn't have time since the article was in the next day's paper), Ike writes about the woman, Maggie Carpenter (Julia Roberts) who lives in the small town of Hale, Maryland and works at her father's hardware store. He calls her a "man eater" and writes that "she like to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them." 

Maggie sees the column, but thinks her best friend, Peggy (Joan Cusack), and cousin, Cindy, wrote the column as a joke. I don't know how she thinks these two small-town women could have a "joke" article published about her in USA Today. I was a bit confused by that. When she realizes it was not a joke, she begins to hyperventilate and writes back to the columnist to accuse him of slander and to set some things straight and points out he had fifteen "gross factual misrepresentations". 

It just so happens that Ike's editor, Ellie (Rita Wilson), is also his ex-wife. (That's gotta be awkward!) She tells him she has to fire him for what he did. Look, I understand writing an article without checking your facts is really, really bad, BUT it's not like this is a major national or international story. This is just some random woman in small town USA who runs away from marriages at the last minute (the very last minute!) If anything, he should have been suspended from writing his article for a month, written Maggie a sincere apology, and maybe the paper should have given Maggie a nice little compensation. Then maybe Ike could have interviewed her and written a factual, actual article about her. Also, how did this article even get published without anyone checking it first? 

Ike claims he did have "a source" and when Ellie guesses, "Some boozehound in a bar?", she's not wrong. She tells him if he goes quietly, he'll get severance pay. Hopefully he'll get enough to pay for the rent for the ridiculously lavish NYC apartment he resides in! I guess columnists for USA Today make a nice little chunk of change! The next day Maggie excitedly reads in USA Today that Ike has been fired and his column will no longer be appearing in the paper. The apology is written under the headline "USA Today divorces columnist Graham." 

Ike's friend and Ellie's husband, Fisher (Hector Elizondo), does free lance for GQ and tells Ike he can still write his story. Maybe his facts weren't all correct, but his theory might be and if she runs again, he'll have a story. So Ike is up to the challenge and he decides to spend the next two weeks in Hale. Honestly, I have no idea why he cares about this story so much. 

Even though Hale is a homonym for Hell, it is an idyllic small town where everyone is friendly and knows each other (and knows everyone's business...that part isn't so idyllic). There are many jokes where Ike compares Hale to Mayberry: he literally calls it Mayberry at one point, he whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song when he and Maggie are walking through Main Street (I did laugh when she goes, "I know what that is"), and he calls this old woman "Aunt Bea". I'm surprised he didn't have an interaction with a little redhead boy so he could call him "Opie." 

Ike first stops at her family's hardware store and there's a note on the door saying she's at the beauty shop, so that's where he goes. It's called Curl Up and Dye which is a funny pun, but I wouldn't go to a salon called that! Maggie's best friend, Peggy (her name is Peggy Flemming, but she's not the ice skater) works there and Maggie is on the floor, working on one of the swivel chairs. She hears Ike ask Peggy he's looking for her and is trying to hide behind the chair, but since the chair is only about a couple feet from where he is, of course he can see her, though they're trying to angle the camera like he can't see her. Uh-uh, Garry Marshall, you can't fool me! Peggy asks if he's a reporter, that reporters have been wanting to talk to Maggie "about getting that a-hole from New York fired." Maggie gets up to talk to him and everything seems fine at first, but then she takes a peek at the USA Today which is lying on one of the counters and it just so happens to be opened to Ike's column where there's a photo of Ike. Realizing he's the enemy, she and Peggy offer to give him a wash to get rid of all that city grit from his hair and they end up dying his hair about six different colors, which is quite impressive they could do that. Okay, my question is, why didn't Maggie recognize him as soon as he walked into the salon because she had already seen his picture before. 

 

We find out that Maggie is getting married a week from Sunday. Now I'm not sure what day it is when Ike first meets her, but just keep in mind that Maggie is getting married "a week from Sunday." We'll come back to that later. 

To Maggie's dismay, Ike tells her he's staying until the day of the wedding because he knows she's going to run again. (And honestly? I would place my money on him). While in Hale (why does that make me laugh?), Ike meets Maggie's father and grandmother (her mother died when she was in college) and even talks to the previous three men who were supposed to be Maggie's husband at one point. There's even a video of all three near-nupitals and Maggie is captured running away from all three. The fact that this video exists is hilarious. 

So through the videos and Ike's interviews with the men and from what Maggie tells him, I've compiled a list about all of Maggie's fiancés:

The first husband-to-be- was to be Gill Chavez and their wedding had sort of a 60s/Woodstock vibe going on. This is probably because they were into going to concerts (they went to a couple in San Francisco) and they each got a rose tattoo (we see Maggie wearing a dress that shows off her back, that shows off her tattoo) and Gill proposed with a rose ring. (Maggie kept all her engagement rings (which she shows to Ike), which is a bit...odd. I feel like you should return the ring if you're not getting married to the guy!) On the wedding video Ike watches, the groom is playing the guitar and Maggie jumps on a trampoline and crowds surfs. Already, this seems like the worst wedding ever. Before she's about to get married, a guy with a motorcycle shows up (no, not her next husband, just some random dude she knew) and she hops on and they drive off. She has a fun, youthful look with her hair in pigtails with a sunflower crown. I am a bit confused by the time line of these weddings since we never get a solid year when each one occurred. Were they all about five years apart? Only a year? That would be a nice little detail to know. Ike exposes Maggie's tattoo as being a fake and this crushes Gill, even though this all presumably happened years ago. 

Her second wedding is as opposite as her first one as you can get. This time, she's getting married in a huge Catholic church to a man named Brian Norris (played by Donal Logue) and everything is a bit more prim and proper than her previous wedding! I do love her lace trimmed dress, but her train is ridiculously long! I have never understood the point of having a ridiculously long dress unless you're Lady Gaga trying to make a fashion state or getting married in a royal wedding. Perhaps it was a sign their wedding was in a huge church, because we see Maggie go to confession (even though she's not Catholic) and tell the priest she's "been having bad thoughts - I want to destroy this man's life, career, everything. I want revenge." Of course, she's talking about Ike and she already got him fired from USA Today, so she's doing a pretty good so far! It turns out the priest is Brian, who has found his true calling. Out of all of Maggie's exes, he seems the least burned and has no anger with her whatsoever. We do learn that she dated Brian ten years ago, so that gives us some perspective on the time. She tells Brian about Ike and how he'll probably stop by to interview him with a bunch of ridiculous questions, but Brian says he's already been by to interview him and he only asked one ridiculous questions which was "how does Maggie like her eggs?" 

The third wedding was to be to an entomologist named George Swilling, who happened to be the guy from the bar in New York who gave Ike the idea for the story in the first place. They have an outdoor wedding where Maggie rides in on a horse, only to gallop away. So by this time, it's absolutely ridiculous that Maggie is having a THIRD wedding, don't you think? The first wedding, okay, whatever, it's the first wedding and you just think Maggie wasn't ready to marry this guy or he wasn't the guy for her. The second wedding didn't bother me since everyone is probably thinking this is the guy she's meant to be with. But a THIRD wedding? After she's pulled this sh*t twice now? Uh-huh, no way. At first, I thought the poor schmuck (aka groom #3) didn't know about Maggie because he was from the city, but then I remembered he tells Ike that Maggie is from his hometown, so he knew about her. Why would you ever get engaged to someone who's run off on two previous weddings? And this guy seems to be the most vitriolic towards her, which is so stupid since he knew about her track record. 

And speaking of people who are aware of Maggie's track record, this brings us to husband-to-be number four, Bob (Christopher Meloni), who is well aware of Maggie's past, but seems to think he will be able to get Maggie to marry him. Bob is a high school PE teacher and has climbed Everest twice (as someone who's read Into Thin Air and watched the movie, I have never understood the appeal of wanting to doing that). They will be traveling to Nepal for their honeymoon to climb Annapurra, which sounds like the worst honeymoon ever. Also, pretty sure Maggie has never climbed any mountain, so why would you take an inexperienced climber all the way to Nepal? Even Ike knows this is bs and tells Maggie she doesn't want to go there for her honeymoon, but she keeps insisting she does. To Maggie's dismay, Bob has invited Ike to the wedding and she asks him, "Don't you realize that he's writing another article about me?" Bob isn't worried because he's convinced she's not running. Poor Bob. Why does he think he's so special that this time will be different? Actually, Bob is special in a way, but we'll get to that later.  

Since this is a small town, Maggie is able to convince the manager of the inn where Ike is staying to give her the key to him room and he does as long as she promises "not to take anything big" - now you think that sentence would stop after the word, "anything", but no, just as long she doesn't take "anything big" (I assume that means in value terms, not actual physical size, but still!). While snooping around, Maggie finds some of his Post-Its with notes about his story. She reads one of them aloud: "How does she get all those guys to propose? She's not that beautiful?" Eesh, that's harsh. And if he doesn't think Julia Roberts is beautiful, he must have some ridiculously high standards. But, of course, he thinks she's beautiful. We all know this. 

None of his notes she finds paint her in a flattering light, so Maggie tells Ike that she will help him "write the truth." She tells him, "I've decided to cooperate and let you interview me for a thousand bucks." She wants this money to help buy a dress she really wants. For this, she will let him interview her and follow her around. They negotiate and she agrees to $650 in the end. 

The dress Maggie wants is the one in the display window. She tells the store's owner (an elderly woman, the one who Ike calls "Aunt Bea" to her face) that she wants to buy it and that she has the $1000 that it costs to pay for it. For some strange reason, the woman, who remember, is the owner of this stores, tries to talk Maggie out of buying a $1000 dress and to instead buy the $300 one they have on hold for her in the back. She tells her she's only going to wear it for a few minutes (heh, even "Aunt Bea" thinks she's gonna run again). In a movie full of head scratching moments, this has to be high on the list. Her job is to SELL dresses and here is a customer willing to give her $700 extra for a different dress. She should be ecstatic about this and ringing up the dress for Maggie and thanking her for her purchase and telling her to have a wonderful wedding. Why does she care so much that she take the cheaper dress? This makes absolutely no sense. Now if Peggy or Maggie's grandmother were with them, I could see them persuading Maggie not to overindulge on a dress, but this is a woman who's trying to make a sale. If Maggie wants to blow $1000 on a dress she's only going to wear for a few minutes, then let her! Since when did sales people grow "morals"? Gimme a break! Now that I think about this scene, it kinda reminds of that famous scene in Pretty Woman where the sales women refuses to help Julia Roberts because she's dressed like a hooker. So I wonder if this is a homage to that? Either way, it's totally stupid that this woman wouldn't want to make sell a thousand dollar dress. Ike just grabs the dress and tells "Aunt Bea" they're taking it. 

Out of all the wedding dresses Maggie wears in this movie, this one is my least favorite. Yes, it is pretty, I will admit that, but it would have been much better if it was a strapless dress without that weird sheer fabric.

So, surprise, surprise, we see Maggie and Ike growing closer and Maggie tells Ike how her dad began drinking more and more after her mom passed away and how she had to quit school (she was studying design) to come back home to help out with the hardware store. They even had a moment where they almost kiss, but they don't. 

A luau-themed (an elaborate luau-themed!) wedding reception is held for Maggie and Bob (again, why are we spending so much money on this woman's THIRD reception? Did I miss the part of the movie where Maggie's dad is filthy rich?) and when Maggie's family and friends stand up to give a toast, they all make jokes such as, "May the groom's heart be filled with hope, and the bride's feet filled with lead" and "May the gifts be returnable." Her dad even makes this one: "You know the old saying, 'You're not losing a daughter?' Well, I'd like to! Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke, but she is certainly the fastest." Ike is really offended by these toasts. (Oh yeah, did I tell you that Ike was invited?) So much so that he goes up to the table where Maggie is sitting with Bob, kneels down and asks if she's okay. Then he decides to give his own toast, or rather, roast: "To Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bull's eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices, and may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes." That sure shut everyone up! Also, I think Ike is overreacting just a tad. Yeah, maybe they should have toned it down with the jokes, but he just acts so sanctimonious about it. 

A rehearsal is held two days before the wedding. Bob insisted on this because he wants Maggie to "visualize the ceremony." It has been discovered if Maggie loses eye contact with the groom, then she gets freaked out and runs, so he keeps telling her to "keep her eye on the ball." Ike is there (of course) and Maggie suggests that he play the pastor because it will give him "a great view." 

So they start the rehearsal and Maggie is supposed to walk down the aisle, but she keeps tensing and walking really slowly. Bob decides he's going to walk with her and has Ike play the part of the groom. There's his first big mistake. Bob tells her not to break eye contact with the groom and Maggie is gazing intently into Ike's eyes. Bob, now playing the part of the pastor, yada yadas through the ceremony, and ends with "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." He continues on with instructions about what they'll do next, but Maggie and Ike are still staring at each other and kiss in front of Bob, not to mention Peggy and Maggie's cousin, who are also there (as they are the bridesmaids). 

Of course, Bob is not happy about this and asks them how long this has been going on. Maggie says a minute and Ike says a little longer for him, which Maggie seems very happy about. She smiles and says, "Really?" WTF?  Bob asks them what he's supposed to say to this and Ike replies that he could say, "Well, I hope you two will be really happy together." Again, WTF? If I were Bob, I would punch Ike in the face. Oh, wait, that's exactly what he does after he says what Ike suggests he should say. He storms out of the church with Maggie running after him, apologizing. She tells him, "At least this time I backed out before the wedding." 

Yes, so Bob is special in that while Maggie still left him, at least it wasn't at the altar! No, she just left him for another man which might be even worse.

Maggie must be a sociopath because she does not care at all what she did to Bob (and we'll see pretty soon that Bob gets over it pretty fast too) because she and Ike start making out again. These two are shameless! Then we get this ridiculous moment where Ike suggests to Maggie that since she already has the dress, the church, and the wedding date, she may as well just marry him. This guy certainly has some nerve, doesn't he? He tells her, "You do have to go down the aisle with somebody that you love and who loves you back." Ugh, barf. No, Maggie does not have to go down the aisle if she's not ready to get married! Especially to some guy she's only known a week? Maybe a week and a half at best. So stupid and ridiculous. But she agrees to get married to him in two days. 

When the big day arrives, it's covered by the media. One of the reporters says, "Maggie Carpenter, always a bride, never a bridesmaid" which made me laugh. But, seriously, does the country really care about some random small town woman's wedding? No, no they do not. 

The ceremony is probably only an hour away and while Peggy and her cousin are in their bridesmaid dresses, Maggie is only wearing her veil and her her jeans and flannel shirt on. Hmm, something tells me she doesn't want to get married. Peggy tells her, "He's the one. He really is the one." Why? Why is he so different than the rest? Because he's Richard Gere and she's Julia Roberts? I really don't get it. 

Ike has invited Ellie and Fisher to the wedding. Ellie whispers to him, "I have a car waiting out back for you in case she decides to run." Hmmm, did she jinx him? Remember how I said we'll see that Bob gets over his fiancee dumping him for another man pretty fast? Well, he actually comes to the wedding! Yes, he comes to the wedding that was supposed to be his. That seems weird, no? But, no, he's perfectly fine and even gives Ike a flower to wear on his lapel and gives Ike the advice to "maintain eye contact." Have I mentioned how stupid and unrealistic this movie is? 

 

Okay, so I did laugh when the ceremony is about to start and Maggie tells her bridesmaids not to saunter down the aisle: "Just make time, just get there, just go." And they show the two women walk really fast down the aisle. That was actually pretty funny. 

Then Maggie walks down the aisle and we see a reporter nearby, whispering into his mic. How did a reporter get into the church? At one point, Maggie pauses and everyone gasps and worries, but she just flashes her iconic Julia Roberts smile and continues down and everyone is relieved and laughs. Her dad takes a photo from the front pew and the flash blinds Ike who blinks and loses eye contact. This makes Maggie panic and she backs away and flees outside where she jumps onto a Fed-Ex truck. Ellie and Fisher watch as Ike runs after her. Ellie asks, "Where do you think she's going?" Fisher replies, "Wherever it is, she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow." I'm sure Fed Ex loved the publicity. To give her credit, Maggie does look guilty as the truck drives her away.

While watching this, I wondered why they made Maggie work at a hardware store because that's so unlikely for a woman in a romcom to work. When a random citizen of Hale reads outloud the headline in the paper the next day, I think they chose this profession for her just to have this punny joke: "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts and Bolts." You know someone was proud when they came up with that. In fact, I bet they came up with that first, then decided to make her work at a hardware store. 

The summer of '99 must have been a really slow time for the news because this story is on the FRONT PAGE (yes, the FRONT PAGE) of USA Today with the headline, "Maggie's Mad Dash." I'm sorry, but WTF? Why would this make the FRONT PAGE of USA Today? Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever heard? 

A couple months later (I'm not really sure how much time has passed, actually) Maggie talks to Ike about why she runs away from things. She tells him, "When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who had no idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would've been a lie. But you knew the real me." She says she didn't know the real her. Before this scene and after the scene where she runs from the wedding, we see a montage of her "finding herself" (I guess). This includes trying different cooked eggs. While talking to her exes, Ike had discovered that they all told him Maggie's favorite kind of eggs were the same way they liked their eggs. And of course we saw Maggie tell Gill she would get a matching tattoo with him (even though hers was fake) and told Bob she would go mountain climbing with him (I wonder how long she would have gone on with the trip before she told him she couldn't climb a freaking mountain?) So apparently she was just making herself into something she wasn't so these guys would like her? Maybe subconsciously she did this because she was worried about her dad and didn't want to leave him? Maybe she just likes the attention and didn't want to be with the same guy? To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure why she ran away from so many relationships and why she did it at the last moment. I mean, it's fine if you don't want to marry someone, but maybe figure that out before the day of the wedding.

I have to complain about the scene where we see Maggie trying all the different eggs. This is one of the stupidest scenes (and there are so many!) because we see a big table with about ten plates that each hold different types of cooked eggs - poached, fried, sunny side up, scrambled, omelette - you name it. Okay, real talk here - if you wanted to see what kind of cooked egg was your favorite, you would realistically cook an egg one way, eat it, then cook the next egg and so on and so forth. Or you would go to a breakfast restaurant (like Le Peep! I don't think that's a chain, but it's this awesome place near where I live that serves breakfast. My mom always orders the Hen Pen) for a week and just order your eggs cooked differently every day. You don't cook all the eggs at once! They're going to get cold and nasty! Anyway, if you're dying to know (because I know you are), Maggie's favorite is eggs Benedict and she hates all other kinds of eggs. She also reveals she hates big weddings "because everyone is staring." WHAT? Then why did she have four of them? She tells Ike, "I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work." Again, why did she have so many weddings with so many invitees? I'm so confused. 

 

Maggie then proposes to Ike and they get married outdoors on a hill top (it was very beautiful) and once the nuptials have been read we see a few of their friends and family appear and everyone is happy Maggie has finally tied the knot. I bet it even made the national news. 

The movie credits end with Mark Anthony singing "You Sang to Me" which is a song I forgot existed, but I totally love.

They should have just made Pretty Woman 2. Big mistake. HUGE.