Ready to Run

Runaway Bride

Director: Garry Marshall

Cast: Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Joan Cusack, Christopher Meloni, Hector Elizondo, Rita Wilson, Paul Dooley, Donal Logue

Released: July 30, 1999

More like Runaway Viewer, am I right?

This 1999 Julia Roberts rom-com might be even worse than her other 1999 rom-com, Notting Hill. Clearly, this was an excuse for Garry Marshall to capitalize on the success of Pretty Woman and make a movie with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere (and Hector Elizondo!) again. 

So much about this movie drove me crazy and didn't make any sense to me. Anyway, let's just get into it, shall we?

Ike Graham (Richard Gere) is a writer who lives in New York with his fluffy cat named Italics (which, I won't lie, I kinda love that he named his cat that) where he has his own column in USA Today and everyone seems to know who he is. We see him outside walking to a bar (where he apparently writes his columns; like that helps when there are drunk people around you talking and laughing or playing darts while you're trying to finish your column by a certain deadline) and the people on the streets of NYC are asking him what his next column is going to be or give him ideas on what he should write about.  

At the bar, a drunk man gives him an idea for a story he could write about. There's a woman from his hometown who dumps grooms at the altar. She is called "the runaway bride." The man tells Ike she's done this 7-8 times and she's already engaged to someone else. Without even interviewing her or anyone else (I guess he didn't have time since the article was in the next day's paper), Ike writes about the woman, Maggie Carpenter (Julia Roberts) who lives in the small town of Hale, Maryland and works at her father's hardware store. He calls her a "man eater" and writes that "she like to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them." 

Maggie sees the column, but thinks her best friend, Peggy (Joan Cusack), and cousin, Cindy, wrote the column as a joke. I don't know how she thinks these two small-town women could have a "joke" article published about her in USA Today. I was a bit confused by that. When she realizes it was not a joke, she begins to hyperventilate and writes back to the columnist to accuse him of slander and to set some things straight and points out he had fifteen "gross factual misrepresentations". 

It just so happens that Ike's editor, Ellie (Rita Wilson), is also his ex-wife. (That's gotta be awkward!) She tells him she has to fire him for what he did. Look, I understand writing an article without checking your facts is really, really bad, BUT it's not like this is a major national or international story. This is just some random woman in small town USA who runs away from marriages at the last minute (the very last minute!) If anything, he should have been suspended from writing his article for a month, written Maggie a sincere apology, and maybe the paper should have given Maggie a nice little compensation. Then maybe Ike could have interviewed her and written a factual, actual article about her. Also, how did this article even get published without anyone checking it first? 

Ike claims he did have "a source" and when Ellie guesses, "Some boozehound in a bar?", she's not wrong. She tells him if he goes quietly, he'll get severance pay. Hopefully he'll get enough to pay for the rent for the ridiculously lavish NYC apartment he resides in! I guess columnists for USA Today make a nice little chunk of change! The next day Maggie excitedly reads in USA Today that Ike has been fired and his column will no longer be appearing in the paper. The apology is written under the headline "USA Today divorces columnist Graham." 

Ike's friend and Ellie's husband, Fisher (Hector Elizondo), does free lance for GQ and tells Ike he can still write his story. Maybe his facts weren't all correct, but his theory might be and if she runs again, he'll have a story. So Ike is up to the challenge and he decides to spend the next two weeks in Hale. Honestly, I have no idea why he cares about this story so much. 

Even though Hale is a homonym for Hell, it is an idyllic small town where everyone is friendly and knows each other (and knows everyone's business...that part isn't so idyllic). There are many jokes where Ike compares Hale to Mayberry: he literally calls it Mayberry at one point, he whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song when he and Maggie are walking through Main Street (I did laugh when she goes, "I know what that is"), and he calls this old woman "Aunt Bea". I'm surprised he didn't have an interaction with a little redhead boy so he could call him "Opie." 

Ike first stops at her family's hardware store and there's a note on the door saying she's at the beauty shop, so that's where he goes. It's called Curl Up and Dye which is a funny pun, but I wouldn't go to a salon called that! Maggie's best friend, Peggy (her name is Peggy Flemming, but she's not the ice skater) works there and Maggie is on the floor, working on one of the swivel chairs. She hears Ike ask Peggy he's looking for her and is trying to hide behind the chair, but since the chair is only about a couple feet from where he is, of course he can see her, though they're trying to angle the camera like he can't see her. Uh-uh, Garry Marshall, you can't fool me! Peggy asks if he's a reporter, that reporters have been wanting to talk to Maggie "about getting that a-hole from New York fired." Maggie gets up to talk to him and everything seems fine at first, but then she takes a peek at the USA Today which is lying on one of the counters and it just so happens to be opened to Ike's column where there's a photo of Ike. Realizing he's the enemy, she and Peggy offer to give him a wash to get rid of all that city grit from his hair and they end up dying his hair about six different colors, which is quite impressive they could do that. Okay, my question is, why didn't Maggie recognize him as soon as he walked into the salon because she had already seen his picture before. 

 

We find out that Maggie is getting married a week from Sunday. Now I'm not sure what day it is when Ike first meets her, but just keep in mind that Maggie is getting married "a week from Sunday." We'll come back to that later. 

To Maggie's dismay, Ike tells her he's staying until the day of the wedding because he knows she's going to run again. (And honestly? I would place my money on him). While in Hale (why does that make me laugh?), Ike meets Maggie's father and grandmother (her mother died when she was in college) and even talks to the previous three men who were supposed to be Maggie's husband at one point. There's even a video of all three near-nupitals and Maggie is captured running away from all three. The fact that this video exists is hilarious. 

So through the videos and Ike's interviews with the men and from what Maggie tells him, I've compiled a list about all of Maggie's fiancés:

The first husband-to-be- was to be Gill Chavez and their wedding had sort of a 60s/Woodstock vibe going on. This is probably because they were into going to concerts (they went to a couple in San Francisco) and they each got a rose tattoo (we see Maggie wearing a dress that shows off her back, that shows off her tattoo) and Gill proposed with a rose ring. (Maggie kept all her engagement rings (which she shows to Ike), which is a bit...odd. I feel like you should return the ring if you're not getting married to the guy!) On the wedding video Ike watches, the groom is playing the guitar and Maggie jumps on a trampoline and crowds surfs. Already, this seems like the worst wedding ever. Before she's about to get married, a guy with a motorcycle shows up (no, not her next husband, just some random dude she knew) and she hops on and they drive off. She has a fun, youthful look with her hair in pigtails with a sunflower crown. I am a bit confused by the time line of these weddings since we never get a solid year when each one occurred. Were they all about five years apart? Only a year? That would be a nice little detail to know. Ike exposes Maggie's tattoo as being a fake and this crushes Gill, even though this all presumably happened years ago. 

Her second wedding is as opposite as her first one as you can get. This time, she's getting married in a huge Catholic church to a man named Brian Norris (played by Donal Logue) and everything is a bit more prim and proper than her previous wedding! I do love her lace trimmed dress, but her train is ridiculously long! I have never understood the point of having a ridiculously long dress unless you're Lady Gaga trying to make a fashion state or getting married in a royal wedding. Perhaps it was a sign their wedding was in a huge church, because we see Maggie go to confession (even though she's not Catholic) and tell the priest she's "been having bad thoughts - I want to destroy this man's life, career, everything. I want revenge." Of course, she's talking about Ike and she already got him fired from USA Today, so she's doing a pretty good so far! It turns out the priest is Brian, who has found his true calling. Out of all of Maggie's exes, he seems the least burned and has no anger with her whatsoever. We do learn that she dated Brian ten years ago, so that gives us some perspective on the time. She tells Brian about Ike and how he'll probably stop by to interview him with a bunch of ridiculous questions, but Brian says he's already been by to interview him and he only asked one ridiculous questions which was "how does Maggie like her eggs?" 

The third wedding was to be to an entomologist named George Swilling, who happened to be the guy from the bar in New York who gave Ike the idea for the story in the first place. They have an outdoor wedding where Maggie rides in on a horse, only to gallop away. So by this time, it's absolutely ridiculous that Maggie is having a THIRD wedding, don't you think? The first wedding, okay, whatever, it's the first wedding and you just think Maggie wasn't ready to marry this guy or he wasn't the guy for her. The second wedding didn't bother me since everyone is probably thinking this is the guy she's meant to be with. But a THIRD wedding? After she's pulled this sh*t twice now? Uh-huh, no way. At first, I thought the poor schmuck (aka groom #3) didn't know about Maggie because he was from the city, but then I remembered he tells Ike that Maggie is from his hometown, so he knew about her. Why would you ever get engaged to someone who's run off on two previous weddings? And this guy seems to be the most vitriolic towards her, which is so stupid since he knew about her track record. 

And speaking of people who are aware of Maggie's track record, this brings us to husband-to-be number four, Bob (Christopher Meloni), who is well aware of Maggie's past, but seems to think he will be able to get Maggie to marry him. Bob is a high school PE teacher and has climbed Everest twice (as someone who's read Into Thin Air and watched the movie, I have never understood the appeal of wanting to doing that). They will be traveling to Nepal for their honeymoon to climb Annapurra, which sounds like the worst honeymoon ever. Also, pretty sure Maggie has never climbed any mountain, so why would you take an inexperienced climber all the way to Nepal? Even Ike knows this is bs and tells Maggie she doesn't want to go there for her honeymoon, but she keeps insisting she does. To Maggie's dismay, Bob has invited Ike to the wedding and she asks him, "Don't you realize that he's writing another article about me?" Bob isn't worried because he's convinced she's not running. Poor Bob. Why does he think he's so special that this time will be different? Actually, Bob is special in a way, but we'll get to that later.  

Since this is a small town, Maggie is able to convince the manager of the inn where Ike is staying to give her the key to him room and he does as long as she promises "not to take anything big" - now you think that sentence would stop after the word, "anything", but no, just as long she doesn't take "anything big" (I assume that means in value terms, not actual physical size, but still!). While snooping around, Maggie finds some of his Post-Its with notes about his story. She reads one of them aloud: "How does she get all those guys to propose? She's not that beautiful?" Eesh, that's harsh. And if he doesn't think Julia Roberts is beautiful, he must have some ridiculously high standards. But, of course, he thinks she's beautiful. We all know this. 

None of his notes she finds paint her in a flattering light, so Maggie tells Ike that she will help him "write the truth." She tells him, "I've decided to cooperate and let you interview me for a thousand bucks." She wants this money to help buy a dress she really wants. For this, she will let him interview her and follow her around. They negotiate and she agrees to $650 in the end. 

The dress Maggie wants is the one in the display window. She tells the store's owner (an elderly woman, the one who Ike calls "Aunt Bea" to her face) that she wants to buy it and that she has the $1000 that it costs to pay for it. For some strange reason, the woman, who remember, is the owner of this stores, tries to talk Maggie out of buying a $1000 dress and to instead buy the $300 one they have on hold for her in the back. She tells her she's only going to wear it for a few minutes (heh, even "Aunt Bea" thinks she's gonna run again). In a movie full of head scratching moments, this has to be high on the list. Her job is to SELL dresses and here is a customer willing to give her $700 extra for a different dress. She should be ecstatic about this and ringing up the dress for Maggie and thanking her for her purchase and telling her to have a wonderful wedding. Why does she care so much that she take the cheaper dress? This makes absolutely no sense. Now if Peggy or Maggie's grandmother were with them, I could see them persuading Maggie not to overindulge on a dress, but this is a woman who's trying to make a sale. If Maggie wants to blow $1000 on a dress she's only going to wear for a few minutes, then let her! Since when did sales people grow "morals"? Gimme a break! Now that I think about this scene, it kinda reminds of that famous scene in Pretty Woman where the sales women refuses to help Julia Roberts because she's dressed like a hooker. So I wonder if this is a homage to that? Either way, it's totally stupid that this woman wouldn't want to make sell a thousand dollar dress. Ike just grabs the dress and tells "Aunt Bea" they're taking it. 

Out of all the wedding dresses Maggie wears in this movie, this one is my least favorite. Yes, it is pretty, I will admit that, but it would have been much better if it was a strapless dress without that weird sheer fabric.

So, surprise, surprise, we see Maggie and Ike growing closer and Maggie tells Ike how her dad began drinking more and more after her mom passed away and how she had to quit school (she was studying design) to come back home to help out with the hardware store. They even had a moment where they almost kiss, but they don't. 

A luau-themed (an elaborate luau-themed!) wedding reception is held for Maggie and Bob (again, why are we spending so much money on this woman's THIRD reception? Did I miss the part of the movie where Maggie's dad is filthy rich?) and when Maggie's family and friends stand up to give a toast, they all make jokes such as, "May the groom's heart be filled with hope, and the bride's feet filled with lead" and "May the gifts be returnable." Her dad even makes this one: "You know the old saying, 'You're not losing a daughter?' Well, I'd like to! Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke, but she is certainly the fastest." Ike is really offended by these toasts. (Oh yeah, did I tell you that Ike was invited?) So much so that he goes up to the table where Maggie is sitting with Bob, kneels down and asks if she's okay. Then he decides to give his own toast, or rather, roast: "To Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bull's eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices, and may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes." That sure shut everyone up! Also, I think Ike is overreacting just a tad. Yeah, maybe they should have toned it down with the jokes, but he just acts so sanctimonious about it. 

A rehearsal is held two days before the wedding. Bob insisted on this because he wants Maggie to "visualize the ceremony." It has been discovered if Maggie loses eye contact with the groom, then she gets freaked out and runs, so he keeps telling her to "keep her eye on the ball." Ike is there (of course) and Maggie suggests that he play the pastor because it will give him "a great view." 

So they start the rehearsal and Maggie is supposed to walk down the aisle, but she keeps tensing and walking really slowly. Bob decides he's going to walk with her and has Ike play the part of the groom. There's his first big mistake. Bob tells her not to break eye contact with the groom and Maggie is gazing intently into Ike's eyes. Bob, now playing the part of the pastor, yada yadas through the ceremony, and ends with "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." He continues on with instructions about what they'll do next, but Maggie and Ike are still staring at each other and kiss in front of Bob, not to mention Peggy and Maggie's cousin, who are also there (as they are the bridesmaids). 

Of course, Bob is not happy about this and asks them how long this has been going on. Maggie says a minute and Ike says a little longer for him, which Maggie seems very happy about. She smiles and says, "Really?" WTF?  Bob asks them what he's supposed to say to this and Ike replies that he could say, "Well, I hope you two will be really happy together." Again, WTF? If I were Bob, I would punch Ike in the face. Oh, wait, that's exactly what he does after he says what Ike suggests he should say. He storms out of the church with Maggie running after him, apologizing. She tells him, "At least this time I backed out before the wedding." 

Yes, so Bob is special in that while Maggie still left him, at least it wasn't at the altar! No, she just left him for another man which might be even worse.

Maggie must be a sociopath because she does not care at all what she did to Bob (and we'll see pretty soon that Bob gets over it pretty fast too) because she and Ike start making out again. These two are shameless! Then we get this ridiculous moment where Ike suggests to Maggie that since she already has the dress, the church, and the wedding date, she may as well just marry him. This guy certainly has some nerve, doesn't he? He tells her, "You do have to go down the aisle with somebody that you love and who loves you back." Ugh, barf. No, Maggie does not have to go down the aisle if she's not ready to get married! Especially to some guy she's only known a week? Maybe a week and a half at best. So stupid and ridiculous. But she agrees to get married to him in two days. 

When the big day arrives, it's covered by the media. One of the reporters says, "Maggie Carpenter, always a bride, never a bridesmaid" which made me laugh. But, seriously, does the country really care about some random small town woman's wedding? No, no they do not. 

The ceremony is probably only an hour away and while Peggy and her cousin are in their bridesmaid dresses, Maggie is only wearing her veil and her her jeans and flannel shirt on. Hmm, something tells me she doesn't want to get married. Peggy tells her, "He's the one. He really is the one." Why? Why is he so different than the rest? Because he's Richard Gere and she's Julia Roberts? I really don't get it. 

Ike has invited Ellie and Fisher to the wedding. Ellie whispers to him, "I have a car waiting out back for you in case she decides to run." Hmmm, did she jinx him? Remember how I said we'll see that Bob gets over his fiancee dumping him for another man pretty fast? Well, he actually comes to the wedding! Yes, he comes to the wedding that was supposed to be his. That seems weird, no? But, no, he's perfectly fine and even gives Ike a flower to wear on his lapel and gives Ike the advice to "maintain eye contact." Have I mentioned how stupid and unrealistic this movie is? 

 

Okay, so I did laugh when the ceremony is about to start and Maggie tells her bridesmaids not to saunter down the aisle: "Just make time, just get there, just go." And they show the two women walk really fast down the aisle. That was actually pretty funny. 

Then Maggie walks down the aisle and we see a reporter nearby, whispering into his mic. How did a reporter get into the church? At one point, Maggie pauses and everyone gasps and worries, but she just flashes her iconic Julia Roberts smile and continues down and everyone is relieved and laughs. Her dad takes a photo from the front pew and the flash blinds Ike who blinks and loses eye contact. This makes Maggie panic and she backs away and flees outside where she jumps onto a Fed-Ex truck. Ellie and Fisher watch as Ike runs after her. Ellie asks, "Where do you think she's going?" Fisher replies, "Wherever it is, she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow." I'm sure Fed Ex loved the publicity. To give her credit, Maggie does look guilty as the truck drives her away.

While watching this, I wondered why they made Maggie work at a hardware store because that's so unlikely for a woman in a romcom to work. When a random citizen of Hale reads outloud the headline in the paper the next day, I think they chose this profession for her just to have this punny joke: "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts and Bolts." You know someone was proud when they came up with that. In fact, I bet they came up with that first, then decided to make her work at a hardware store. 

The summer of '99 must have been a really slow time for the news because this story is on the FRONT PAGE (yes, the FRONT PAGE) of USA Today with the headline, "Maggie's Mad Dash." I'm sorry, but WTF? Why would this make the FRONT PAGE of USA Today? Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever heard? 

A couple months later (I'm not really sure how much time has passed, actually) Maggie talks to Ike about why she runs away from things. She tells him, "When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who had no idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would've been a lie. But you knew the real me." She says she didn't know the real her. Before this scene and after the scene where she runs from the wedding, we see a montage of her "finding herself" (I guess). This includes trying different cooked eggs. While talking to her exes, Ike had discovered that they all told him Maggie's favorite kind of eggs were the same way they liked their eggs. And of course we saw Maggie tell Gill she would get a matching tattoo with him (even though hers was fake) and told Bob she would go mountain climbing with him (I wonder how long she would have gone on with the trip before she told him she couldn't climb a freaking mountain?) So apparently she was just making herself into something she wasn't so these guys would like her? Maybe subconsciously she did this because she was worried about her dad and didn't want to leave him? Maybe she just likes the attention and didn't want to be with the same guy? To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure why she ran away from so many relationships and why she did it at the last moment. I mean, it's fine if you don't want to marry someone, but maybe figure that out before the day of the wedding.

I have to complain about the scene where we see Maggie trying all the different eggs. This is one of the stupidest scenes (and there are so many!) because we see a big table with about ten plates that each hold different types of cooked eggs - poached, fried, sunny side up, scrambled, omelette - you name it. Okay, real talk here - if you wanted to see what kind of cooked egg was your favorite, you would realistically cook an egg one way, eat it, then cook the next egg and so on and so forth. Or you would go to a breakfast restaurant (like Le Peep! I don't think that's a chain, but it's this awesome place near where I live that serves breakfast. My mom always orders the Hen Pen) for a week and just order your eggs cooked differently every day. You don't cook all the eggs at once! They're going to get cold and nasty! Anyway, if you're dying to know (because I know you are), Maggie's favorite is eggs Benedict and she hates all other kinds of eggs. She also reveals she hates big weddings "because everyone is staring." WHAT? Then why did she have four of them? She tells Ike, "I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work." Again, why did she have so many weddings with so many invitees? I'm so confused. 

 

Maggie then proposes to Ike and they get married outdoors on a hill top (it was very beautiful) and once the nuptials have been read we see a few of their friends and family appear and everyone is happy Maggie has finally tied the knot. I bet it even made the national news. 

The movie credits end with Mark Anthony singing "You Sang to Me" which is a song I forgot existed, but I totally love.

They should have just made Pretty Woman 2. Big mistake. HUGE. 

Back to the Toy Box

Toy Story 4
Director: Josh Cooley
Voice Talent: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Annie Potts, Joan Cusack, Keanu Reeves, Christina Hendricks, Tony Hale
Released: June 21, 2019
Viewed in theaters: Juen 24, 2019

Is Toy Story 4 a good movie? Yes, of course it is. Was it necessary? A lot of people thought Toy Story 3 had a perfect ending (myself included) and while I don't think having a fourth movie was necessary (the world would have survived without a fourth Toy Story movie; however the world would not survive without Toy Story because Toy Story not existing equals Pixar not existing and how could anyone live in a world where Pixar doesn't exist!), I didn't mind because I love going on a new adventure with these characters we've met from the first three movies. Just because Andy's story is done doesn't mean that there aren't still more stories for the toys to tell. You could really make a whole bunch of these movies and as long as there's a good script and it makes sense for this universe, I'm okay with that. In other words, you could say this series could go to infinity...and beyond! Is Toy Story 4 the best of the series? To me, no. I definitely like the first and third movies better. Of course I still love the second movie and this movie was a joy to watch so even though they're on the "bottom" doesn't mean I dislike them; they're all really amazing.

I think the most surprising thing about this movie was that it didn't make me cry. Yes, I could feel the tears almost well up (especially during one scene), but I never flat-out bawled like I did during Toy Story 3. (To be fair, I didn't cry during the first two movies, but I did get a little choked up during the "When She Loved Me" scene from Toy Story 2). I was all prepared for this big emotional scene, but it never came for me. I had mixed emotions about the ending, but I'll get to that later. I did laugh a lot during this movie; there were so many great and funny scenes, mostly thanks to new characters we are introduced to and we are introduced to a LOT of new characters. So much so that many of the characters we loved from the first three movies were reduced to ancillary characters. So if you're a big fan of Slinky Dog or Hamm or Mr. Potato Head or Rex or even Jessie and Bullseye, don't go in excepting too much from them. Even Buzz Lightyear doesn't have too much screen time (more than the characters I named) because this is Woody's movie and adventure. There is a running joke where Buzz thinks his voice box buttons are his inner thoughts so he pushes the buttons for guidance of what to do in a situation.

The new characters we are introduced to include:
-Ducky and Bunny, stuffed animals of, you guessed it, a duck and a bunny. They are carnival toys waiting to be won by patrons who play the carnival game at the booth they're at. They are voiced by Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele, who, I imagine, improvised most of their lines so they get a lot of funny moments. They're a bit sadistic because their plan for everything is to attack humans by jumping into their faces, calling it a "plush rush". They come across another stuffed animal that has been torn apart by a cat and are both horrified to see what they look like on the inside and one of them comments, "So much fluff!"

-Duke Caboom, a Canadian Evel Knivel-inspired action figure (voiced by Keanu Reeves) who has a sad (albeit funny) backstory where he was chucked by his "kid", Rejean (I'm taking a wild guess that he's from Quebec!), after Duke didn't perform the cool stunts exactly like how they show it on the commercial. I guess they forgot to add the text "Toy does not actually fly" on the bottom of the screen like they did for the Buzz Lightyear commercial. This made me laugh because it's so true! How many times have we ever watched a commercial with a toy that does all these really cool things, but then when you actually play with it, they can't actually jump through fiery hoops like Duke Caboom is shown in the commercial. This makes Rejean chuck poor Duke Caboom, the "Canuck with all the Luck" to the side. Duke's catchphrase is, "I Can-ada!" I felt like he was the equivalent to Toy Story 3's Ken.

-Giggles McDimples is a tiny toy clearly modeled after Polly Pocket and when we meet her, she's in one of those plastic shells. I thought her introduction was really funny. She takes a liking to Woody since he's a sheriff and she's Officer McDimples who runs Pet Patrol. There's a part in the movie when the toys are being terrorized by a cat and being that she is so small, she gets swallowed by it! I was much more concerned for the cat, not going to lie! Of course the cat eventually gags it up and Giggles McDimples is covered in cat phlegm. Lovely. I will say, if you compare the cat in this movie to Sid's dog, Scud, in the first Toy Story, wow! What a difference! I mean, it has been 24 years they've had to prefect this technology!

-Gabby Gabby (voiced by Christina Hendricks) is a pull-string doll from the 1950s who lives in an antique store and just wants a kid to love and play with her. She is presented as the villain as she is trying to steal Woody's voice box since hers is broken and she thinks the only way for a child to love her is if she isn't broken. She has these creepy ventriloquist dummy minions who don't talk; they just do her bidding. I will discuss more about her in my spoiler section, but I just wanted to say that I only remember ever having one pull-string toy, ever, in my life, and that was a stuffed Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks. I can't even remember any of the things he said.

-Forky (voiced by Tony Hale) is a plastic spork with pipe cleaner arms and a face created by Bonnie, the young girl Andy gave his toys to in the last movie (you know, the part that made everybody shed tears). He quickly becomes her favorite "toy", but Forky, not knowing why he exists (don't we all have those existential crises?), keeps wanting to throw himself in the trash because he believes that's where he belongs, but Woody, knowing how much Forky means to Bonnie, keeps fishing him out of the trash. Bonnie's attachment to Forky was a little weird. I understand she made him during kindergarten orientation and was quite proud of him, but she sleeps with him like she's cuddling a stuffed animal (how can you cuddle a plastic spork??) and when she can't find him during a family road trip with her parents, her dad tells her she can make another one and she freaks out. If I were her parents, I would be kicking myself for ever buying her toys since she she's so content with a plastic spork! It reminds me when I buy a cat toy for my cat, but I see him playing with my hair ties or the Starbucks green stopper thingy way more than when he plays with his toys! (By the way, I wonder if pet toys are sentient in this world? I hope not because that would be a little terrifying for them to be chewed by a dog or chased by a cat!) At least they didn't have to pay for the toys she received from Andy. Bonnie brings all of her toys on the road trip and I laughed when I heard a podcast review of someone complaining of how unrealistic that was because whenever my nieces visit my parents they bring a lot of their toys! Of course I know they did that in the movie so all the toys we've all come to know and love from the first movie (and Bonnie's toys we met in the third movie) will be involved in the plot, even if it's just a few minutes of screen time. Even Woody is brought along even though he's been reduced to mostly staying in the closet with the other toys that don't get much playtime. Poor Woody; literally every toy that belonged to Andy gets playtime (even the little green aliens! Even Hamm who is't really a toy because's he actually a piggy bank!) and he is left in the closet collecting dust bunnies. Not cool, Bonnie. The family is driving an RV and they make a lot of stops along the way and each time Woody has to keep Forky from jumping in the trash or running away. At one point, Forky just flings himself out of the window of the moving vehicle (very dark for a children's movie!) and Woody jumps after him, promising the others he'll return with Forky. Well, that doesn't exactly happen as they have a lot of obstacles to get through!

-Bo Peep (voiced by Annie Potts) is not a new character since she was in the first two movies, but she is an important part of this movie. We see a flashback of her getting packed away to be sent to a new home once Molly has gotten too old for her. Woody is set on rescuing her, but she tells him it's time to move on, but suggests that he could hop in the box with her since "kids lose their toys all the time" (I never lost any of my toys, thankyouverymuch!), but Woody is too loyal to Andy to do that. We see Molly's room and she had these little doll figurines which I totally had! They were these ceramic figures that you received each year for your birthday with the corresponding age attached to them. They went up to age 16, but I think I only got them until I was 12. I had the blonde figurines, but when my family moved, a few of them broke and we replaced them with the brunette ones because I guess we couldn't find the blonde ones. I mean, it didn't really matter since I am neither blonde nor brunette! But I had to laugh when I saw those because it brought back memories and I probably otherwise would have completely forgotten about them. They are sentient in this movie, so does that mean Molly played with them? We know Bo is sentient because Andy used her as a damsel in distress for Woody to rescue. I never played with those figurines because they were fragile! They just stayed on my shelf with my other ceramic figurines.

Woody meets up with Bo again after all these years. She has shed her dress and bonnet for a more utilitarian outfit. There is a funny moment when Woody can't remember the name of her three sheep (who are all connected together) and as far as I know, we've never actually known the names of her sheep. They are Billy, Goat, and Gruff and yes, they are very cute for being ceramic sheep. By the way, they're part of a lamp set, right? I have never heard of a lamp set where you can move the pieces; I would think that they would be glued to the actual lamp, but maybe they are able to remove themselves? I've only had lamps that were just lamps; so I don't know how that would work, I also don't know why I'm trying to work out the logistics of how that would work. Bo lives in an antique shop, but often sneaks out to a carnival nearby, hence why we have antique toys and carnival toys convening together. There is a fun callback to the first movie when Bo greets Buzz with, "My old moving buddy!" Which while it's true that Bo mention she's found her moving buddy once they all meet Buzz, did she not remember that Buzz was next door almost being blown to smithereens by Sid while all the toys were being shipped to the new house in the moving van? So technically they were never moving buddies. Just a small little nitpick!

For the rest of this review, I'm going to get into spoilers so you have been warned! SPOILERS START NOW! DON'T READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED!! SERIOUSLY, I AM WARNING YOU! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! 

SPOILERS
START
NOW!

I was surprised by how quickly the Forky storyline was concluded. After Woody tells him how important he is to Bonnie and that he's an important part to her childhood memories, Forky is all about getting back to her, but by that time Woody has been distracted by seeing Bo's lamp in the antique shop and that's when the movie goes in that direction. Of course Forky is still an integral to the plot of the movie, but he no longer wants to throw himself in the trash.

Like Stinky Pete and Lotso, Gabby Gabby is considered the villain of this movie, however while they start out as characters you think can be trusted only to realize they're not so nice, the doll starts out very aggressive, clearly wanting Woody's voice box, but turns into a sympathetic character. She is hoping to be "adopted" by Harmony, the granddaughter of the woman who owns the antique shop and she believes the only way Harmony will love her is if her voice box works. I thought Harmony was going to want her even if her voice box didn't work, but no, the movie goes another way. Gabby gets a new voice box (Woody gives her his in exchange for Forky as she had the spork held hostage) and pulls her string to make Harmony notice her. At first, the girl seems smitten with the doll, but then she's like, "Nah" and tosses her back into the crate. I literally "ahh"-ed during this moment; I felt bad for Gabby Gabby! At first I was mad with Harmony, but you know what? I can't really blame the girl. What child from this decade would want a doll from the '50s? They all have this really creepy look to them. Maybe if Gabby was an American Girl Doll she might have had more luck...

However, Gabby will get her happy ending when she is picked up by a lost girl at the carnival who turns to the doll for comfort. This is the scene where I came closest to crying. Of course who knows how long Gabby is forgotten about once the girl gets home and isn't upset about being lost anymore and starts playing on her iPhone?

I did not cry at the end which was surprising to me because I was expecting this super emotional scene. I was more bemused than upset. I guess I should have seen the ending coming because all through the movie Bo is telling Woody how great it is to be on her own and how she's independent and doesn't need a kid to play with her. She's much more satisfied helping other toys finding kids of their own. So when Woody decides to stay with Bo at the end instead of going back with his other toy friends, I wasn't really that shocked. I was just confused because through all the previous movies, Woody has been telling his friends how important it is to stay together and that a toy's job is to make their kid happy. Woody has always been about every toy staying together, but now he's going to leave them to be with Bo Peep. Eh, I wasn't crazy about that. I know Bo is supposed to be his "girlfriend", but they only have a few flirty scenes in the first two movies. Woody has a much more stronger relationship with Buzz, with Slinky Dog, with Jessie, just to name a few. Also, the notion that toys can have romantic relationships is a little weird. I'm okay with one between Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head or Barbie and Ken because at least those are already pairs. There's a scene at the end where it looks like Woody and Bo are about to kiss and I'm thinking, Please don't. I'm okay with Andy making them kiss by tapping their faces together because it's meant to be funny and it's a kid having the damsel kiss the hero her after she is rescued. Luckily they do not kiss! I wasn't too upset that Woody was leaving his toy friends (probably why I didn't cry) because he wasn't getting much playtime with Bonnie anymore, so might as well join a traveling carnival with Bo and his new toy friends so he's not sitting in a closet all day. I feel the most bad for Bullseye because he is like a loyal dog to Woody. Yes, I know he still has Jessie, but that has to be hard on the poor little horse! Hmm, does this mean that Bo is the Yoko Ono of the Toy Story franchise?

You know what I would love to see? A prequel! How did Andy obtain Woody? It is believed he belonged to Andy's father who we don't really know anything about, so a prequel could answer a lot of these questions. You're welcome for the idea, Pixar!

It's a Long Way to the Top If You Wanna Rock and Roll

School of Rock

Director: Richard Linklater

Cast: Jack Black, Joan Cusack, Sarah Silverman, Mike White, Miranda Cosgrove

Released: October 3, 2003

This movie is every grade-schooler's dream come true. Actually, it's probably any student's, no matter what age, dream come true. Who wouldn't want to go to school for three weeks where all you do is listen to music and rock out in a band? Sounds a lot more fun than learning about math and history! 

Dewey Finn (Jack Black) is in a band called No Vacancy and they are getting ready to compete in the Battle of the Bands to win the coveted $20,000 Dewey so desperately needs so he can pay his friend and roommate, Ned (Mike White) rent money as at the moment he is flat broke. Ned's girlfriend, Patty (Sarah Silverman), who also lives in the same apartment, keeps harping on Dewey to get a job and pay Ned back and also keeps harping on Ned to stop letting people walk all over him. Dewey tells them that as soon as the band competes in the competition, they will win and he can give them the money. Unfortunately things don't turn out so well for Dewey because he finds out the next day that he has been voted out of the band and replaced with a guy named Spider. They tell him his solos go on way too long and the crowd surfing needs to stop (and never seems to work as he always lands on the floor - ouch!). Dewey is understandably furious by this and tells them he's going to start his own band. In the meantime, he needs to figure out a way to make money and that opportunity comes knocking for him when he receives a phone call from Principal Mullins (Joan Cusack) from Horace Green Prep School asking for Ned Schneebly because they need a substitute for their fourth (or maybe it was fifth?) grade class right away because the original teacher broke her leg that day and all the other subs aren't available. When Dewey asks her how long it would be and how much it pays, she tells him, not thinking it strange this man is asking her these questions. Dewey tells her Ned just got home and then pretends to be Ned on the phone and accepts the job. He is able to come into the school without proof of verification of who he is. 

The principal introduces "Mr. Schneebly" to the class and Dewey attempts to write the name on the blackboard, only he can't spell "Schneebly" (and I'm not sure if I'm spelling it correctly!) so he erases all the letters except the first one and tells the class to call him "Mr. S." The first day, he lets the kids have recess all day long and just do whatever they want. All the kids think this is the greatest thing ever, except for Summer (Miranda Cosgrove) who is a strict follower of the rules and wants to learn and snides her new teacher for not teaching them anything when her parents pay $15,000 a year for her to attend this school. At the end of his first day, Dewey is so excited he's finally free and high-fives everyone and runs out of the class and out the building. He's almost worse than the students when they're finally free for the day. 

The next day, the kids have music class and Dewey listens in. He is impressed that the kids are actually pretty good and gets a brilliant idea. While he has been putting up posters, advertising for band members for the new band he wants to start, he hasn't gotten any prospects. During the music class, he runs to his van where he keeps all his instruments and sets up a drum set, a guitar, a bass guitar, and a keyboard. When the kids return, he tells them, "I heard you in music class. You can really play. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!" Like the kids know he's looking for people who can play instruments! He gets a kid named Zach to play the electric guitar. Zach tells him he only plays classical music because his dad thinks rock music is "a waste of time" and this greatly offends Dewey. He has Lawrence, the shy Asian kid who was playing the piano, play the keyboard. He asks Katie, the girl who was playing the cello, to play the bass guitar. And for the drums, he has "class rebel" (for a prep schooler!) Freddie on them. When he has the kids start playing together, he becomes very excited and knows he has found his new band. He tells the students they are going to start on their new project called Rock Band. (Best school project ever!) He tells them that this is a school project and it's a requirement and that "It will test your head...and your mind...and your brain!" They will be competing with other schools in the state and if they win the top prize, it will look very good on their permanent records. He says the project will be next semester and they should start now to get a leg up on the competition, but not to tell anyone, not even their parents they're working on it. 

He has plans for the kids just to practice all day, but changes the schedule when he finds out they have never heard of the many rock groups he's a huge fan of like Led Zeppelin ("You've never gotten the Led out?") or AC/DC. He adds "Rock History" and "Rock Appreciation" to their morning schedule. Since there are about 15 students in the class and four of them are in the band, the remaining kids feel left out and Dewey tells them, "Just because you're not in the band doesn't mean you're not IN the band!" He needs back-up singers and adds two of the three girls who try out as part of the band. Summer is the third girl who didn't make it because her singing voice is absolutely atrocious. Later, he adds Tomika, a girl who is self-conscious about her weight and was too shy to try out, to join Marta and Alicia ("Don't bogart the mic, Alicia!") as the back-up singers. The kids involved in the band plus Summer are the main focus and the other kids are more ancillary characters. Dewey gives them all jobs so they can feel part of the project. One kid is in charge of graphics; he has a few kids in charge of security detail; Billy, the adorable kid who reminds me of an elementary schooler Kurt from Glee, wants to be the band's designer; and the two blonde girls are groupies and their job is to worship the band and name it. Summer was assigned a groupie but after finding out what a groupie was, she was not happy with her "job" and Dewey made her band manager. 

I feel a little bad for the kids who aren't IN the band because when he takes those kids to sign up for the Battle of the Bands, the other kids have to stay behind and play a video Dewey made where he's teaching the class so if the principal walks by, they can play it and act like nothing is wrong. It is so hilarious and so wrong that he's taking all these grade-school kids in a van to a very seedy neighborhood. Like that doesn't look suspicious to anyone! Unfortunately they didn't make it in time and aren't allowed to be part of the competition. Summer, being the mastermind she is, gets an idea that all the kids should be visiting from a hospital with a terminal illness and that seals them the gig. When they're returning to the school in Dewey's fan, the Led Zeppelin song, "Immigrant Song" is playing, and if you have the DVD (like I do because I love this movie!), there's a very interesting story behind it. Apparently the band hardly ever give the rights to their songs and Richard Linklater and Jack Black really wanted to use it for the movie so Linklater shot a video of Jack pleading for them to let them use it. Behind him are a bunch of people who were extras in the Battle of the Bands sequence. They sent it to the band members and were thus granted permission. I had actually never heard of that song until I saw this movie, but I absolutely love it! And of course it was popularly covered when Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (US version) was released. 

It is so funny because every time "Edge of 17" by Stevie Nicks comes on, I will say to the person next to me (if I'm with someone, like at work or with a friend), "This song reminds me of Joan Cusack in School of Rock." Because it does! Every time! I love that scene where she's singing that song. Unlike "The Immigrant Song", I was familiar (you could say...."hauntingly familiar", haha!) with this song, although, I will admit, I'm pretty sure I found out about it AFTER Destiny's Child sampled it for "Bootylicious" ("Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? I don't think they can handle this!") and that song only came out two years prior to this film. Yeah, I really need to take "Mr. S"'s rock history class! I love Joan Cusack in this movie; I love that scene where she's discipling that young girl and even when she's trying to be nice, she comes off as strict. She asks the girl if she wants a hug and the girl shrinks back and wails, "I promise I'll be good!" 

After three weeks of getting the kids ready for the big day - they listen to rock music and watch videos of legendary guitarists and drummers to get inspired - things come crashing down the day before the Battle of the Bands, and also the day of Parents' Night when the real Schneebly is puzzled why he has a check from Horace Green and Dewey has to confess to him what he's been doing before Ned calls the school to say they made a mistake. Dewey has to make a presentation at Parents' Night and sees the police have come to pay him a visit because Patty got Ned to spill the beans about what's been going on and she called the cops on Dewey. All the parents are understandably concerned that an impostor has been posing as their children's substitute teacher and demand to get answers. 

The kids know they've worked too hard and don't want to miss the competition so they get the bus driver to drive them to Dewey's apartment (how they know where he lived, I'm not sure!) and head to the venue where the Battle of the Bands is being held. They make it just in time to set up and perform as they are playing after No Vacancy who is currently on stage. Principal Mullins and the parents of the kids find out what's going on so they also go to the venue and demand to be let in, but the guy won't let them in without tickets. The guy who replaced Dewey in No Vacancy is wearing this leather shrug and after he performs he starts hitting on Principal Mullins and it is the most hilarious/awkward thing. 

The School of Rock (the name of the band the groupie girls decided on) perform their song that Zach wrote. Originally they were going to perform an indulgent song that Dewey wrote, but he (rightly) decided that Zach's song was the right choice for them. All the parents and Principal Mullins and the audience love them and the song, so when No Vacancy wins the competition, everyone is dismayed except for one random dude who yells, "Yeah, No Vacancy!" The movie has a happy ending with Dewey and Ned starting their own "School of Rock" and teaching music lessons to kids. 

For the ten year reunion of the movie in 2013, Jack Black and the kids (now in their early twenties!) performed the same song for a group in Austin, TX. 

Here's the song from the movie:

And here it is being performed at the ten-year reunion....notice how Zach is shorter than Jack Black in the first video, but taller in this one, haha! 

"Treat your friends like your enemies and your enemies like your friends"

Toys

Director: Barry Levinson

Cast: Robin Williams, Joan Cusack, Michael Gambon, Robin Wright, LL Cool J

Released: December 18, 1992

Oscar nominations:

Best Art Decoration-Set Decoration (lost to Howards End)

Best Costume Design (lost to Dracula)

I said I would have another holiday movie review for you and I have delivered on my promise. Well, sort of. While Toys begins and ends with a Christmas song called The Closing of the Year (a song that I love, love, love and is probably one of the only good things about the movie!), the rest of it really has nothing to do with Christmas. It's been at least a decade since I've seen it, so please forgive my memory. You would think a movie that came out in December and has TOYS in the title would have something to do with Christmas! So I'm glad I at least gave you a true Christmas movie review with the remake of Miracle on 34th Street. Next year I will just have to make it up by doing THREE Christmas movies! 

I really don't know how to describe this movie. It is a flustercluck, for one thing! I feel like I am doing a disservice to the late Robin Williams by this being his first movie I reviewed since his passing. I will have to make that up by watching and reviewing one of his better movies in the future. This one is just weird with plenty of moments where you might go, WTF? 

Williams plays Leslie Zevo and Joan Cusack plays his sister, Alstatia (I'm still not sure how you pronounce that!). Their father, owner of Zevo Toys, a company that manufactures and sells toys, dies and his brother (Michael Gambon) takes it over. Why his brother, a stern, no-nonsense general, is the beneficiary of the toy company and his fun-loving and child-like son is not is because he doesn't think Leslie could be a successful leader. 

Mr. Zevo must have made a fortune selling his cheap toys because his children live in a house that pops out from a story book (and there's even a dollhouse replica in the living room); they have their own butlers and maids; and Leslie drives a Cadillac. Mr. Zevo even has his own wind-up (life size) ambulance to take him to the hospital for God's sake. I have no idea how he made such a fortune selling such crappy-looking toys, but it apparently worked so well that he was able to afford tons of workers who just sing and dance to a song called "The Happy Worker" (sung by Tori Amos) while they wait for large, colorful machines to spit out toy parts so they can assemble them. He can even afford to pay some guy whose job it is to hold a "Ducks Crossing" sign so people stop to let TOY duckling cross the street, I am not kidding you. The movie never states when it takes place. I was thinking maybe it was the '50s because most of the toys are those plastic wind-up toys of yore, but MTV and video games are also featured so therefore that makes it in the "present" day...or at least in the '80s as I was listening to a podcast (How Did This Get Made?....I highly recommend listening to this one, it's from September 2013) and they mentioned it took Barry Levinson ten years to write it! 

Another way they waste money (but still seem to have overloads of it!) is that they make a lot of joke toys (large attachable ears, fake vomit, hand buzzers, smoking jackets (those are jackets that literally smoke), etc...) and they pay people to research them. There is a really long scene where Leslie and the others are wearing white lab coats while going over different kinds of fake vomit and they are taking it seriously! Now the joke is that while they are discussing vomit, the room they are in is getting smaller because the General needs more room for a project he is working on. I don't understand the appeal of any of the toys that are created at this place. I can't see any kids wanting to play with them. The only visual appeal to the movie is the house they live in and the rolling green hills where they live. (Which I thought was filmed in England, but that was actually filmed in Rosalia, Washington.) 

Levinson must have had his heart set on very particular actors because this family doesn't make any sense at all. The General has a British accent, but everyone else is his family is American. They do sort of address this by him blaming his father for raising him in Britain and that's why he sounds different from everyone else. His (now deceased) wife was a Jane Fonda lookalike and yet they have a son named Patrick who looks like LL Cool J.... I'm guessing he was adopted? And then there's Alstatia who is just an odd character. She eats sandwiches with vitamins or applesauce (ugh!) only between the two slices of bread. Patrick makes a comment that she always looks the same age whenever he sees her. We later find out (spoiler alert!) that Alstatia is a robot that Leslie's dad had built for him because his mother died when he was young and he wanted to make sure Leslie had somebody to take care of him. So many questions! Why did Leslie's father make his son a grown up sister? (Remember, Patrick commented how she never ages, so it wasn't like Mr. Zevo built a robot every year to grow up with Leslie.) And why is he selling all these crappy, cheap toys when he can make robots that look like real human beings? Just think how much richer he could have been...and he made a fortune selling crappy toys and paying his employees to pretty much do nothing! 

The General wants to make war toys and video games to train kids for war in the future...IDK...it's so weird. And then there's a toy war with the General's toys against the Zevo Toys. It is the stupidest thing! There was a funny line where Leslie says, "Let's fight fire with marshmallows!" because all the General's toys come equipped with guns while you just wind up the Zevo Toys. He does give an amusing speech to his "troop" of toys where he begins with, "Four stores and many Christmases ago..." the speech has some clever dialogue, but it goes on way too long. And another question concerning Alstatia, why didn't they use her in the toy war since she is a freaking robot and can just be rebuilt. I guess since we find this out AFTER the toy war (I cannot believe I just wrote that!) ended, they didn't want to ruin the surprise for the viewer. 

While this movie is called TOYS, it is not for children! Not just because some innocent toys become victim in the toy war, but because Robin Wright plays Leslie's love interest (she was hired by his father the day before he died because he wanted them to get together, which is really creepy if you think about it) and there is a really awkward scene between them where you can't see it, but you  can hear it because the General has his men spying on them and her bra is covering the small robot that is their eyes. And they have one conversation and are pretty much in love the next scene, it is so ridiculous and stupid! 

This entire movie is ridiculous and stupid! The only good thing about it is the "Closing of the Year" song. And that's the only Christmas thing related to it! 

Raising Life

Raising Helen
Director: Garry Marhsall
Cast: Kate Hudson, Joan Cusack, John Corbett, Helen Mirren, Hayden Panettiere, Abigail Breslin, Spener Breslin
Released: May 28, 2004

Life As We Know It
Director: Greg Berlanti
Cast: Katherine Heigl, Josh Duhamel, Josh Lucas
Released: October 8, 2010

I decided to review both these movies together as they have a similar plot: parents die in a car crash and leave their children to the least likely people (or person) to raise them.

In Raising Helen, Helen (Kate Hudson) and Jenny (Joan Cusack) are sisters whose older sister and brother-in-law are killed in a car accident. Or maybe their sister just moved to Wisteria Lane since she's played by Felicity Huffman and this movie came out the same year Desperate Housewives premiered. By the way, Cusack and Huffman, who are the same age, are 17 years older than Hudson. They are technically old enough to be her mother....I know the characters may not be the same age as the actors (I'm just going by the actors' ages since we don't know how old their characters), but 17 years just seems like a big gap.

In Life As We Know It, Holly (Katherine Heigl) and Messer (Josh Duhamel) are set up by a couple they're best friends with, but the date is such a disaster that there's not even a date because they piss each other off even before they drive to the restaurant. However, they keep seeing each other since their friends get married and they are the godparents of their daughter, Sophie. The parents, too, are killed in a car crash. Why is it always a car crash? I suppose that's the easiest way to kill off a couple of people. Having them murdered would be too traumatizing and a plane crash would be killing many more innocent people.

Guess who the parents left as the guardian to their children in both movies? That's right, Helen, the young party girl who is single and has a full time job as a booking agent for models is left to raise her two nieces and one nephew. Hayden Pana-whatever (I never know how to pronounce her last name, so that's what I call her in real life!) is ten years younger than Kate Hudson and even in the movie they have more of a sister relationship than an aunt/niece one, forget a mother/daughter one! Spencer and Abigail Breslin are the other two kids and Abigail is so young she looks like she was a fetus not that long ago! And Holly and Messer are left to raise one year old Sophie on their own.

In both movies, nobody knew that this was the wish of the deceased parents and if they should die, they would be raising their kids. That seems odd to me. I don't have kids so I don't know how the legal stuff works if you and your spouse die, but I would assume once you choose someone to be your guardian, THEY SHOULD KNOW and maybe even have to sign a contract prepared by your lawyer SO THEY KNOW!! Because in both movies they're all like, "WHAT? They chose me/us?" Really, movies, really?

I don't know which deceased parents were more stupid. It doesn't make sense for the parents in Life to leave their daughter with two people who aren't married and can't stand each other. Since the house mortgage is paid off, they both move into their dead friends' house together which is just weird. Not the fact that they're living in their dead friends' home...hey, if you have a free place to take care of a kid, go for it. What's weird is that they're both living there together raising a child, but yet they have separate lives. You think that would be weird for their dating lives, but they don't seem to have any problems with it. At least they explain why nobody in their immediate family would be fit parents for their daughter because Holly and Messer see if there's anything better and we meet a sister who's a stripper, another sibling who has ten kids, and a frail old father. It would have made more sense if they left Sophie to Holly (the more responsible of the two). Were they not thinking that their friends might get married (to different people!) and the situation would be awkward for everyone? Of course, they do end up together (like you didn't see that one coming) and after sleeping together, Holly says to Messer, "Do you think our friends had this all planned out so we would end up together?" Well, if that was their intention, that was pretty stupid because what if things hadn't worked out? Then they probably would have gone to court to see who would raise Sophie and everything would have been a mess. Stupid deceased parents!

And then why do the parents in Raising Helen (a title I still don't understand) have the younger sister as the sole guardian when Jenny already has two kids with one on the way and is married and knows how to deal with kids? It is established early on that Jenny is the black sheep of the family while Helen and Lynette are very close. Lynette leaves a note for her two sisters explaining why she made the choice she did and she basically chose Helen because she was more like her. Uh-huh. Not buying it, movie! By the way, I'm willing to bet that the two kids who play Cusack's children are one of the crew member's because they have no lines and are only in a couple scenes. They're just there to show us she is a Mom.

Out of the two scenarios, I think Helen is in the worst situation. She has to take care of three children by herself who are all old enough to remember their parents (and while there's the sad funeral scene, except for a few tears shed by the youngest, they seem to get over their parents pretty quickly!) while at least Holly and Messer are only dealing with one baby who will have no recollection of her parents and even calls Holly "Mama" by the end of the movie. Also, Sophie is a really cute baby (although they do have their crying baby and dirty diaper baby moments) while those three kids are super annoying. Hayden plays a very bratty teen who screams at everybody and the Breslin children are there to be the annoying kids, especially the boy. There's a scene where Helen is smoking and the boy tells her, "We don't need any more dead parents" or something to that effect. I know they were doing it for the comedy, but there is no way a child who just lost their parents days earlier would say something like that! They would not make a joke out of it!

Both movies have many wacky scenes where the new parents are taking care of their newly acquired children. There's a scene in Life where Messer has to take Sophie to work with him because Holly already had other engagement and he leaves her with the taxi driver to take care of her! And then there's a scene where Holly has just changed Sophie and has baby poo on her nose when the neighbors (one of them is played by Melissa McCarthy) come over. And in Raising Helen, there's a scene where Helen is helping with a fashion show (her boss is played by Helen Mirren who is much too good for this movie) and she brings Abigail who sees a model with a dog (played by Paris Hilton...I don't know why she just didn't play herself!) on the other side of the runway and crawls across the runway to get to it causing the models to topple over one another and thus gets Helen fired from her job. One of the most ridiculous part of the movie is that the four of them live in a tiny apartment in Queens with one bathroom. Four people and one bathroom? No, thank you! And there's a scene where Helen find out that Hayden has gone to a hotel with her boyfriend after a dance and she and Jenny go over there to confront them, but Helen chickens out and doesn't want to make Hayden mad at her, so she asks Jenny to do it. The scene was really weird because inside the room, the boy is in the bathroom and Hayden is in the room. You can tell that nothing has happened yet and when she hears someone knocking on the door, it looks like there's this flash of relief that crosses her face, but then she starts screaming at her aunt for ruining her life...maybe I just read too much into that look on her face and I'm giving this movie too much credit.

I read a review of Raising Helen that said that the funny parts weren't funny and the dramatic parts weren't dramatic which I agree with. The movie was just really boring. I didn't care about the characters and I found it annoying how Helen had this great amazing glamorous life. Not that Life As We Know It was a great movie by any means, but at least they made Holly and Messer a little more "real" and the movie kept my interest more than the other.

Actually, the more I think about it, while these two movies have similarities, Raising Helen reminds me more of Stepmom.

Here's a quick review I wrote of Raising Helen when I first saw it on DVD about ten years ago...as you can see, my opinion did not change!

Raising Helen - This movie has the stupidest, most unrealistic plotline ever. As you all probably know, Kate Hudson's sister and brother in law die in a car crash and they have 3 children and who do they ask to care for them? Cool Aunt Helen from New York who's lifestyle includes clubbing and partying and a busy career. I can just picture the writers now thinking of how they’re going to make a depressing situation into a wacky! Funny! Hilarious! one! Kate acts more like the kid's cool older sister than a mom. She doesn't give them to Joan Cusack's character who actually already has children, thus has the experience. Duhhhh. God, this movie was so friggin unrealistic. And why did Dead Mom choose cool Aunt Helen? Because she was the most like her! The whole movie reeked of bs. The oldest daughter was such a brat who needed a good bitch slappin'! Gary Marshall seems like a nice guy, but honestly, Gar? Do you really need to keep reminding me that Kate Hudson plays Helen Harris during the deleted scenes segment? Got it the first time! Thanks! 

'Toy' Trilogy

Toy Story
Director: John Lasseter
Voice talent: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Don Rickles, John Ratzenberger, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn, Jim Varney
Released in theaters: 11/22/95
Viewed in theaters: 12/??/95

Oscar nominations:
Best Original Song - Randy Newman for "You've Got a Friend in Me" (Lost to Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz for "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas)
Best Music from a Comedy or Musical - Randy Newman (lost to Menken and Schwartz for Pocahontas)

Toy Story 2
Director: John Lasseter
Voice talent: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Kelsey Grammar, Wayne Knight
Released: 11/24/99
Viewed in theaters: 12/04/99 and 12/25/99

Oscar nominations:
Best Song - Randy Newman for "When She Loved Me" (lost to Phil Collins for "You'll Be in My Heart" from Tarzan)

Toy Story 3
Director: Lee Unkrich
Voice talent: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Ned Beatty, Michael Keaton
Released: 6/18/10
Viewed in theaters: 6/23/10

Future Oscar nominations: We all know this is gonna win Best Animated Picture. C'mon.

With the recently released Toy Story 3, I've decided to revisit the first two films and review them along with the third installment, a movie I'm been eagerly anticipating since last winter. It had been quite a few years since I've seen the first two, so it was a joy to re-watch them and it almost felt like I was watching them for the first time again. The computer animation has obviously gotten consistently better in the fifteen years since the first Toy Story was released, but that doesn't diminish the film one bit. The script (which was co-written by Buffy creator Joss Whedon) is still sharp and funny with heart and I can't imagine anyone else doing the voices for the already iconic characters of Woody and Buzz Lightyear than Hanks and Allen.

BTF: Best Toys Forever

In the first movie we're introduced to a slew of toy characters who belong to young Andy. Besides our cowboy sheriff and space ranger heroes, there's Mr. Potato Head (Rickles), a piggy bank (Ratzenberger), a neurotic plastic T-Rex (Shawn), a slinky dog (Varney), a remote control car, plastic green army soldiers, and Little Bo Peep (Potts) who belongs to Andy's little sister.

Woody has always been Andy's favorite toy, but once Buzz is given to the young boy at his birthday party as a surprise present from his mother, Woody knows his days are numbered. Not only has Buzz taken the coveted spot on the bed while Woody has been demoted to the toy chest, but Buzz is a more modern toy with lots of buttons and gadgets and even has a laser (although Woody will argue it's just a little light bulb) whereas the old-fashioned cowboy utters his favorite sayings with a pull string. Also, all of Andy's cowboy paraphernalia has been replaced with an outerspace theme.

With jealousy taking over, Woody tries to get Buzz stuck behind the desk so Andy can't find him, but ends up tossing him out the window. Feeling guilty, Woody tries to make it right, but both toys have now become lost and are now in the possession of Sid, the mean kid next door who likes to torture his toys by blowing them up or taking them apart and rebuilding them with different parts. The two feuding toys have to find a way to work together to return to their owner, but the clock is ticking because Andy and his family are moving the next day.

There's so many great moments, but my favorite part would have to be when Woody comes alive in front of Sid and he screams and runs into the house where his sister starts tormenting him with her doll.

In Toy Story 2 we have the same characters, but we're introduced to new ones. Woody discovers he's part of a collection called Woody's Roundup Gang that also includes his horse, Bull's Eye; Jessie, the cowgirl (Cusack); and Stinky Pete the prospector (Grammar). Mrs. Potato Head and Barbie are also new additions to the toy family. The plot of the second film is a bit more elaborate than the first and while I know toys coming to life isn't very realistic (okay, it's not realistic at all!), it seemed plausible within the context of the story. After Woody is mistakenly taken by a toy collector (Knight) at a yard sale, the other toys try to devise a plan to rescue him. This involves them making a long trek to Al's Toy Barn, driving a car to the airport, and Woody and Jessie escaping from an airplane that has just started to take off while Buzz is galloping right beside the plane on Bull's Eye. Don't get me wrong - Toy Story 2 is a great movie with a funny script and endearing new characters, but I preferred the simplicity of the first one.

I talk about a scene from Toy Story 2 that made me cry:

The latest installment of the franchise has Andy going off to college and he's not sure what he's going to do with his old toys, who haven't been played with in a long time. The toys are worried they're going to be thrown out, but they wouldn't mind being sent to the attic and brought back down when Andy has kids of his own.

There's a bit of a mix-up at the beginning (don't want to give too much away!) and the toys end up at Sunnyside Day Care, which at first seems like a nice retirement home for toys. There they meet new toys including Lot-so, a bear that smells like strawberries (Beatty); Ken (Keaton); a rubber octopus (Whoopi Goldberg); a baby doll; and Chatterbox phone (I remember those!) However, while the veteran toys are in the Butterfly Room where the older kids play and treat their toys with respect, the new recruits are placed in the Caterpillar Room aka Toy Hell. They're abused by screaming toddlers who smash them against the floor, paint on them, sit on them, etc. Woody manages to escape, but wants to find a way to help his friends get back to Andy too. He learns that the day care is like a prison and it's impossible to escape because the toys are kept in cages at night and there are lookouts at each post. It kind of reminded me of Watership Down for toys.

The tone is definitely darker than the previous two movies and there was one moment in the film that I was really afraid something horrible was going to happen to the toys and they seemed to have realized their fate and were all holding hands. Thank goodness I had a handkerchief in my purse because I needed it for pretty much the entire third act! I have yet to read/hear a review where nobody cried!

I was satisfied with the ending and I think Pixar did a great job of ending the Toy Story trilogy. (Of course, there could always be a fourth, but I don't know if they're going to continue with the franchise as I think they ended on a good note). While the first movie remains my favorite of the three, all of the movies are very solid and it's very rare when you see all three movies in a trilogy that are great. Usually, the first movie is good and the other two are just awful or don't measure up to the first one. (Pirates of the Caribbean, Jurassic Park, Spider-Man just to name a few).

I would definitely recommend watching the first two movies again to refresh your memory as there are some callbacks to them in Toy Story 3!

Oh and it amused me that there were many kids in the theater who weren't even born yet when the second movie came out! I feel very privileged to have seen all three in the theaters!