Incognito

Mrs. Doubtfire

Director: Chris Colombus

Cast: Robin Williams, Sally Field, Pierce Brosnan, Lisa Jakub, Matthew Lawrence, Mara Wilson, Harvey Fierstein

Released: November 24, 1993

Oscar nominations: 

Makeup (won) 

This is a movie I've seen several times and it was a childhood favorite of mine. It still makes me laugh today, though if you think about it, this movie is really messed up! I don't think they could make this movie today. Not because of the transphobia (they could easily take that out), but just because it's so messed up what this guy does just to be with his children. The '90s (especially the early '90s!) were a different time. I remember seeing this in the theater with my family and it was packed. 

Daniel and Miranda Hillard (Robin Williams and Sally Field) live in a beautiful San Francisco home with their three children: fourteen-year-old Lydia (Lisa Jakub, the only other role I've known her from is Independence Day (she played Randy Quaid's daughter)); twelve-year-old Chris (Matthew Lawrence, probably best known for playing Shawn's half-brother in the later seasons of Boy Meets World); and five-year-old Natalie (Mara Wilson, who was also in Matilda and the remake of Miracle on 34th Street). We learn that Daniel's and Miranda's marriage has been rocky for quite awhile now. Miranda gets a phone call from her fussy old lady neighbor who is complaining about all the noise coming from her house. She comes home early to find her husband has given their son an elaborate birthday party complete with farm animals (the goats are eating the petunias on the front steps and the pony ate the birthday cake she had brought home), rap music blaring and hyped-up little kids on sugar (one who is even swinging from the chandelier; ooh, I would've been livid!). They get into a huge fight and this is the last straw for Miranda and she tells him she wants a divorce. He wants them to get help, but she is done with him! I never understood how these two were ever married. She is very type A, by-the-book, likes a schedule, very orderly, while he just likes to have fun! And it's said they've been having problems for fourteen years! They just never made sense as a couple to me. She tells him that they've "grown apart", they're "different", and they "have nothing in common" (that's an understatement!). 

At a court hearing, Miranda is awarded sole custody of the kids since she has the house and a career. (Daniel was fired from his job as a voice actor for an animated series at the beginning of the movie because he refused to voice a character who smoked. Miranda is a high-end interior designer, so you know she's the one bringing in the money and is able to pay for their beautiful Victorian home. I read that it sold for $4.5 million in 2016 and I'm still sure it cost a pretty penny in 1993!) The judge tells Daniel he will have visitation rights every Saturday and Daniel isn't happy about this arrangement, but he is assured that it's only temporary and that he will be assigned a court liaison to oversee his case. He has three months to get a job and a place to live and if he is deemed fit to be a parent, then the judge will consider a joint-custody arrangement. 

He finds an apartment and with the help of his court liaison, Mrs. Sellner, gets a job at a television studio where he will be boxing and shipping film reels. So now he has a place to live and a job, so he's on the right track... or is he? 

The first Saturday the kids spend at his apartment doesn't go very well. His place is a mess because many of the boxes haven't been unpacked yet. Miranda was one hour late dropping off the kids and now she's an hour early to pick them up. When they hear her honk the car outside, they get up to leave, but he yells at them to sit down and tells them, "You're on my time now. You're my goddamn kids too." 

Miranda lets herself in and sarcastically says, "Oh, Daniel, how charming" as she looks around. Rightfully, he is not happy with her and she explains her earliness, saying she has a lot of errands to run: the bank, the market, and she has to drop off an ad for a housekeeper at the newspaper office. Okay, so throughout this movie, I am on Miranda's side 99% of the time, but I can absolutely understand Daniel being angry with her here. Why doesn't she just run those errands without her three kids? She still has an hour left! I'm sure she can do all that within an hour! And she'll probably be able to get them done quicker without the kids in tow! But, of course, she needs to mention the housekeeper so Daniel can ask her about that. She tells him she wants "someone to be there when the children get home from school, to clean, possibly start dinner." She's going to pay this person $300 a week. He asks to see the ad and she reluctantly agrees. While she's distracted with the kids, he changes a couple of digits in the phone number. We all know what he has planned! 

But before he goes to drastic measures, he does ask her if he can take care of the kids after school. He can pick them up and they can stay with him until she gets home from work and he'll drop them off. She replies, "I'll think about it," which they all know means no. She must really hate her ex-husband if she doesn't want to save $300 a week and just have him take care of the kids! However, Miranda seems to think her decision in not letting him take care of the kids is justified when Natalie lets her know, "We're his goddamn kids too!" The icy look Miranda gives to Daniel! Mother Miranda did not like that! 

Next we get a montage of Daniel calling Miranda several times and using different voices, pretending to be someone interested in the housekeeping job who clearly isn't qualified. Even though he used different voices, I found it suspicious that Miranda never recognized any of these callers as her ex. I'm sure she's familiar with his different voices or at least would recognize his tone or something. When he finally calls as the perfect English nanny (something tells me Mary Poppins was an inspiration!), he knows Miranda is going to hire her. She tells Miranda that she has worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England for the last fifty years. So, two things: I looked up Elbourne, England, and no such town exists. There is a Melbourne, England (which I did not know existed; I just know the city in Australia and I think there's a Melbourne in Florida. I am kind of surprised this will not be a problem for him later, but I'll get to that when we get there). Also, how could she have worked for the Smythe family for the last fifty years? We are never really given an age for Daniel's created nanny, but later it will be mentioned that he was impersonating a sixty-year-old woman, so that means she would have been working for the Smythe family since she was ten! Maybe at the time of the call, Daniel was imagining her to be seventy or older? I don't know why I'm so invested in the timeline of a fictitious English woman, but I am! Miranda tells the caller about her children and the "perfect English nanny" lays it on a little thick calling the girls "two precious gems" and the boy "the little prince." When Miranda tells her there might be some cooking involved, she replies her only rule is that "they'll only eat good, nutritious food." Daniel must have known that would give his English nanny bonus points because Miranda has a huge grin on her face and asks her to come for an interview Monday evening at 7:30. Also, that will not be her "only rule". So even though Daniel had a whole backstory ready for his perfect nanny/housekeeper, he had forgotten to give her a name and when Miranda asks her for her name, he is caught off guard. It makes no sense why he wouldn't have a name ready, but we do get the iconic scene of him glancing at the paper and seeing the headline that reads "Police Doubt Fire Was Accidental" and getting the name that way. Just think, if he had already thought of a name ahead of time, we probably would have gotten something boring like "Imogen Potter" (lol, I just came up with the most random English name I could think of; I know Harry Potter came out after this movie, but I was thinking of Beatrix Potter). Although he needed inspiration for the last name, he comes up with Mrs. Doubtfire's first name on his own: Euphegenia. Is that even a name? It sounds very...unseemly. 

Daniel goes to see his brother, Frank (Harvey Fierstein), who we had met earlier in the movie and found out he works in theater, making costumes and masks. He asks him, "Can you make me a woman?" and he has come to the right place! I do have to wonder what he would have done if he didn't know anybody in this line of work. There's no way he could have pulled off pretending to be a totally different person without Frank's help! When Euphegenia Doubtfire is created, we only see her from the back, but we are shown close ups of Daniel putting on a padded, ample female bodysuit (Mrs. Doubtfire is a bit on the pudgy side), being fitted for a mask (which will be the thing that really sells him as being a totally different person), and zipping up the skirt.

Okay, a quick disclaimer. So obviously the pronouns are quite confusing, but I will be using she/her when talking about Mrs. Doubtfire. 

The first time the audience meets Euphegenia Doubtfire is the first time the Hillard family meets her too. (Although I went back and watched the trailer and they totally show Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire from several scenes. I feel like they would keep that hidden from audience members if this movie were made today (though it would be a totally different movie!) and the reveal of Mrs. Doubtfire would be a surprise for the audience. Miranda has the kids all line up in front of the stairs to meet her. Chris says the thing that everyone is probably thinking: "Geez, you're big for a lady." She laughs it off and tells him she played football and was the captain of the women's team. Obviously, Daniel knows what he's doing because his son loves and plays soccer and Mrs. Doubtfire brings up Stuart Little to Natalie because he knows that's one of her favorite books. Lydia is the only one who isn't exactly charmed by Mrs. Doubtfire. She asks her mom why can't Dad take care of them. Of course, Mrs. Doubtfire has some thoughts on this! She tells Miranda that perhaps the childrens' father would be "a more appropriate person." This right there should have been Miranda's first clue! Why would this woman, who would be getting $300 a week, suggest someone else? There's no way if she were real, she would turn it down! 

Miranda tells Lydia, "If he would get a job and a decent apartment" (I thought he already had a job at this point?),  and Mrs. Doubtfire interrupts to say, "I'm sure you normally would encourage the children to step out of the room before you verbally bash their father." Okay, a few things here:

-I don't think Miranda was "verbally bashing" her ex.

-Would someone who was just meeting their employer for the first time really intervene like that? Sure, it might be a little uncomfortable if the mother was talking bad about their father, but she really wasn't. She does make a joke and says if she sent her kids to another room every time she talked bad about Daniel, she might never see them again. I love how she laughs at her own joke and how stone-faced Mrs. Doubtfire is. 

I did find it a little weird that Mrs. Doubtfire called Natalie "Nattie" and Lydia ""Lydie" without anyone telling her they go by those nicknames. I was trying to think if Daniel had called them by those nicknames earlier in the movie, but couldn't remember. He does call them by those names later on in the movie (as their dad). 

After the kids have gone upstairs, Miranda tells Mrs. Doubtfire that the kids are upset with her and the Englishwoman replies, "Probably the divorce" without really thinking and when Miranda asks, "How did you know?", she replies that she can "sense" it the way Lydia talked about her father. They continued talking in the kitchen where Miranda asks her potential housekeeper if she would like some tea and Mrs. Doubtfire offers to make it. When she opens the cabinet, she goes on about the perfectly organized cubby where everything is in its place complete with name tags. Miranda tells her that her husband never appreciated it. By Mrs. Doubtfire's overly enthused tone, I could sense that. I laughed when Mrs. Doubtfire called Miranda's husband "a dolt". 

She continues making the tea and cracks a joke that there isn't a label for everything. When Miranda points out she seems to know where everything is, Mrs. Doubtfire tells her "everything is so accessible." She brings up the divorce again and asks Miranda if her ex not appreciating her organization was the reason she divorced him. This seems like very dangerous territory! 

Miranda tells Mrs. Doubtfire that she reminds her of someone and that it feels like they've known each other for years. Mrs. Doubtfire replies, "Maybe we knew each other in another life." This drops really quickly when Miranda tells her that she would love for her to come and work for her.

When Daniel returns to his apartment still dressed as Mrs. Doubtire, Mrs. Sellner, his court liaison, is waiting for him to check on his apartment. It seems kind of late for this kind of thing. Come to think of it, so did Miranda having the meeting with Mrs. Doubtfire on a Monday night. Why not have her come over on a Sunday afternoon? But I digress. At first Daniel starts talking in his regular voice, then quickly changes to Mrs. Doubtfire's English (though, she sounds more Scottish, but my ear is untrained when it comes to the dialects of the UK) accent. She introduces herself as Daniel's sister; "his much older sister", haha, he adds that when Mrs. Sellner gives her a doubting look. She asks if Mr. Hillard is home and tells her she has an appointment with him. Mrs. Doubtfire tells her she'll go inside to get him and he'll be right there, but Mrs. Sellner offers to come in with her. Daniel isn't getting off the hook that easily! 

As Mrs. Sellner waits in the (very messy) living room, Daniel quickly goes to his room where he takes off the padded bodysuit, wig, face mask, etc. From his bedroom, he talks to Mrs. Sellner using many puns about the changes he's gone through. As he's talking to her, he puts the mask on a head of a mannequin in front of an OPEN window. Nothing can go wrong there! 

When Daniel appears (pretending he's just stepped out of the shower and and was getting dressed in his room), he tells Mrs. Sellner he has two jobs - one where he's working at an educational film and TV company and one where he's cleaning houses. Mrs. Sellner gives him a look because his own apartment is a mess. He jokes it's not his place he's cleaning. I'm surprised he mentioned the housekeeping gig because what if she had asked for the number of his employee? That would have been awkward! She doesn't, though. She asks about his sister and he tells her she's his half-sister (probably to explain why she's so much older!) and that she's half-English and half-American. I suppose he has to say she's half-American because he's American, but Mrs. Doubtfire is giving 100% UK vibes.

Daniel mentions that his "sister" makes a great cup of tea and Mrs. Sellner asks Daniel if she could make some tea. Why Daniel doesn't tell her his sister had a long day and is getting ready for bed, I don't know. That's all he had to do. He tells her to wait right there and he'll go get his sister. As he's in his room changing back into Mrs. Doubtfire, the window is open and two kids in the apartment across from him are laughing and pointing at him. He goes to pull the blinds and this is when he knocks the head mannequin over and the mask flies down to the street below and gets ran over by a truck. 

He runs into the kitchen to start making tea, frantically looking for anything that can hide his face. This scene was so stress-inducing! He hears Mrs. Sellner asking if she can help and as Mrs. Doubtfire shouts "No!" just as Mrs. Sellner walks into the kitchen, he grabs a cake (don't ask why he had a whole cake in his fridge), sticks his face in it and pops up and exclaims, "Hellooooo!" to Mrs. Sellner with frosting covered all her his face. We've all seen this scene; you know what I'm talking about! It always cracks me up the way he says "Hellloooo!" Transformed now into Mrs. Doubtfire, she explains to Mrs. Sellner that she's wearing her nightly meringue mask and starts pouring the tea. Oh, man, I laughed so hard when large drops of frosting plop into the tea cups. I think three fell into Mrs. Sellner's cup. Mrs. Doubtfire laughs and tells her now she's got her cream and sugar. I bet Mrs. Sellner is sorry she asked for tea in the first place! I would have been so grossed out! 

Oh, here's a fun fact: this movie takes place in April because in the kitchen you can see a calendar opened to that month. 

Frank must have had some replacement masks ready to go because in the next scene we see Daniel retrieving one from his house. 

It's Mrs. Doubtfire's first day on the job and when she arrives the kids are watching The Dick Van Dyke Show. I'm sorry, but no. No kid from the '90s (or any time) would be watching some black and white comedy from the '60s. This was probably the only show they could get the rights to. These '90s kids would be watching Duck Tales or Animaniacs or Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?! Trust me, I was there, I know! 

Lydia isn't happy when Mrs. Doubtfire turns off the TV and tells them it's time for homework and that she's in charge from three to seven and they will " follow a schedule" and those who don't follow it will be punished. Now why didn't Daniel do this as their dad? Maybe he could have saved himself a lot of hassle if had had been a parent instead of trying to be his kids' best friend! The word "punish" has little Natalie pretty freaked out, but Lydia tells her sister their new baby-sitter is lying and she wouldn't punish them, but Mrs. Doubtfire replies, "Don't fuss with me." Heh, I chuckled with how she accentuated the "fuh" sound in fuss. I have to wonder if that was a callback to the famous Elisabeth Shue line in Adventures in Baby-Sitting, also directed by Chris Columbus. 

The next thing we see are all the kids cleaning while Mrs. Doubtfire is laying on the couch reading the paper and sipping an iced tea. Lydia is vacuuming, Chris is cleaning a wall and Natalie is polishing the silver. I had to laugh at the oldest getting the easiest job. I can understand vacuuming and maybe some light dusting, but washing the wall and polishing silver? That seems a bit extreme. Why not have them do something like empty the dishwasher or take out the trash? Those seem like more realistic chores for kids to do. If I were one of those kids, I would hate Mrs. Doubtfire and I would definitely rat her out to my mom about how she made me do all these chores while she just lounged around. Lydia calls her out on it and says what she's doing is exploitation. 

While the kids are upstairs working on their homework, Mrs. Doubtfire is starting an elaborate dinner with four boiling pots on the stove (the most burners I ever use at a time is 2!) and a thick cookbook open. I had to laugh because the pages of the cookbook are severely stained. Good thing there's about a thousand pages in this book (I'm telling you, that thing is thick!) so Miranda will probably never notice unless she makes that meal. I'm not really sure why Daniel decided to cook something so complicated on his first day as Mrs. Doubtfire. We see he ordered takeout when the kids visited him in his apartment for the first time so something tells me he doesn't cook very often! There's fish in one pan and it looks very burnt and unappetizing. Mrs. Doubtfire leans in very close to and starts to smell burnt rubber. Of course the large bosoms of the body suit have gotten too close to the hot burners and catch on fire! After putting them out with pan lids, she ends up getting take out from Valenti's which is advertised as "fine restaurant and gourmet take out food" in the phone book. Ha, remember phone books? Remember how bulky and heavy and annoying they were? Remember when we had to look up numbers in the phone BOOK instead of just Googling them or asking Siri/Alexa to make a call for us? How archaic! I was listening to a podcast review of this movie and one of the hosts, when talking about this scene with the phone book, said, "How did we even survive back then?" which cracked me up. 

Anyhoo, four meals are delivered to the Hillard household and cost a total of $135.27 (there was an additional twenty bucks added for the "extra rush"). I looked up to see what that would be the equivalent to in 2024 and it would cost nearly $300! Paying $135 would be bad enough, but can you imagine having to dig out $300 from your own pocket? There goes half of Mrs. Doubtfire's first weeks' pay! 

I've seen this movie many times and I'm still not sure exactly what their dinner was. There's a salad with raspberries and the main dish appears to be noodles (some of the noodles are green, so maybe they're made with pesto?) shrimp, some kind of sauce, and carrots. I gotta be honest...this meal...doesn't look that good. 

When Miranda comes home, she is delighted because the kids were upstairs doing their homework, the house is clean, and Mrs. Doubtfire is setting up the dinner in the dining room complete with lit candles. Seriously, if Daniel had put in half the effort as Mrs. Doubtfire, he might still be married to Miranda! Or at least she wouldn't mind sharing joint custody with him. As Mrs. Doubtfire leaves, Lydia runs outside to thank her and tell her that she hasn't seen her mom that happy in a long time. It's kind of ironic (and a bit messed up) that it's Miranda's ex-husband in disguise who is making her happy. 

It's Montage Time! We see the passage of time as Daniel spends time with his kids as Mrs. Doubtfire (it's kind of sad how he sees his kids more when he's a sixty-year-old English woman than he does as their own father) set to Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady." Okay, for the longest time I thought the song was called "Do It Like a Lady." During this montage we also see Daniel in his apartment watching Julia Child as he takes notes and expands his cooking chops. 

I have yet to mention another important character in this movie! Two years before he was James Bond, Pierce Brosnan played Stuart Denmeyer, a former flame of Miranda's. He is very handsome and very successful and he has recently decided to restore a mansion on Nob Hill (lol that should have been the title if there was a sequel to Notting Hill) and wants to make it into a $500 a night B&B and has specifically asked Miranda for her expertise in decorating the interior. We will find out later that they knew each other their junior year of college. My head cannon is that they dated in college, but then he moved back to his homeland of England (Pierce Brosnan is actually Irish, which I did not know!) and then she met Daniel and eventually married him. During Daniel's stint as Mrs. Doubtfire, Miranda and Stuart start seeing each other. Yes, it does seem a bit fast for her to start dating so soon after getting a divorce, but it's all for the purpose of the plot of the movie and it's not like Miranda and Stuart are engaged at the end of the movie (my other head canon is that they do eventually get married...I think Miranda deserves a happy ending with what she went through in this movie!).

Daniel is aware that Miranda is seeing Stuart because we see him as Mrs. Doubtfire looking out the window to see him bringing Miranda home. The first time he meets Stuart is also as Mrs. Doubtfire (because why would Miranda introduce her new beau to her ex?) when she comes to the house and Stuart is there, also meeting the kids for the first time. Stuart tells Mrs. Doubtfire that Miranda has been raving about her; she replies, "She's never mentioned you", heh. Stuart tells her that he was raised in London and asks what part of England she's from and she replies, "Here and there, all over really" and he tells her that her accent is "a little muddled." Luckily for Daniel, the fictional town of Elbourne, England is never brought up. 

Miranda chats with her, all giddy, telling her that Stuart is a friend and she doesn't know what's happening with their relationship, but she's clearing glowing over him and asks Mrs. Doubtfire if she thinks he's fabulous and her housekeeper replies, "Oh, kind of, if you like that rugged, handsome type." Miranda tells her that Stuart wants to go out for drinks and thinks that's harmless, but Mrs. Doubtfire disagrees and tells her employer that she thinks it's too soon and she needs "to give [her] divorce some time". I'm really not sure why Miranda is getting dating/relationship advice from her housekeeper, especially when she's only been working for her for only a couple of months by this point. Mrs. Doubtfire definitely crosses the line when she tells Miranda she needs "to let [her] sheets cool down before she brings someone else into the bed." If I were Miranda, I'd be telling Mrs. D. to mind her own damn business! Instead, Miranda just asks her how long after Mr. Doubtfire died she started to feel any desire for anyone else and Mrs. Doubtfire replies, "Never", because of course! She seems to shame Miranda for having any thoughts of being with another man which just seems so out of line that I'm surprised Miranda isn't more offended by this. Of course, (spoiler ahead, but we all know what happens) after she finds out that this was her ex the whole time ("the whole time?") this conversation will make a lot more sense since he's obviously jealous. 

So it's around this point in the movie when Lydia and Chris find out that Mrs. Doubtfire is actually their father. It happens when she uses the bathroom and Chris also has to go and he just barges in even though the door is closed. Well, does he ever get the surprise when he sees Mrs. Doubtfire urinating standing up! He freaks out and runs to Lydia's room. Mrs. Doubtfire comes in and tells them, "I'm not who you think I am." Chris replies, "No sh*t" and in his normal voice, their father says, "Watch your mouth, young man" and that's when they figure out it's their dad and he admits it's him. I'm not sure why he just didn't admit it was him right after Chris discovered Mrs. Doubtfire was not a woman. He tells them they can't tell their mom or Natalie. In the recent words of Chris, no sh*t! He does acknowledge that what he's doing is highly illegal because he mentions if their mother finds out, he'll "only be able to see [them] through a plate glass." 

Looking back, I'm not really sure why they had the two oldest kids discover their new nanny was actually their dad. I don't think they ever admit to their mom they knew it was their dad (at least it's not shown onscreen if they do) and nothing really comes of them knowing it's really him. It would have made more sense if them knowing it was their dad came back into the plot. Like, perhaps if they knew he would be going to their mom's birthday dinner with them as Mrs. Doubtfire and also had an important job interview as himself at the same restaurant at the same time, they could have helped him make up excuses (as Mrs. Doubtfire) to leave the table for long periods of time. 

We get another scene of Miranda having a heart to heart with Mrs. Doubtfire and they get on the subject of marriage which turns to Daniel and she pretty much asks her what happened with her marriage. Miranda tells her at first he was "romantic and passionate" and Mrs. Doubtfire interjects to tell her "he sounds like an absolute stud", haha. She apologizes for being rude in advance, then want to know "how he was on a scale of 1-10." Again, I would tell her to mind her own business, but Miranda just replies that he was "okay" (heh) and continues to say, "It was Daniel's spontaneity and his energy [she] fell in love with" and adds that he was funny and could always make her laugh, but after a few years, everything stopped being funny. She was working all the time while he was between jobs, she never got to see the kids, and the house was always a mess, and often cried herself to sleep. Poor Miranda! That sounds rough. Again, I still don't understand how these two ended up married! They really don't seem like a good match. She tells her she was turning into a horrible person and didn't want her kids growing up with a mother like that and adds she's a better person when she's not with Daniel. She sure is opening up a lot to this person she's just met! I wonder if Miranda has a therapist? It sounds like she might need one. 

Meanwhile, at his other job, the TV studio where he works as himself, we see him watching a boring host of a childrens' program talking about dinosaurs in a monotone voice. How did this guy even get this job and stay on the air for so long? Daniel even makes a crack that this guy was putting him to sleep when he was a kid, so he's been on the air for awhile! He meets Jonathan Lundy, the owner and general manager of the station. This will eventually lead into Daniel doing an impromptu show on an empty set and Lundy will catch him and loves his act and will invite him out to dinner to talk about him getting his own show.

Well, it turns out that Miranda is celebrating her birthday with Stuart and the kids and they will be going to Bridges, the same restaurant the interview will be set up at on the same day at the same time! San Fransisco is a huge city so I love that both these events are happening at the same place. Of course, this turns out to be a big inconvience for Daniel when Miranda asks Mrs. Doubtfire to join them for dinner. After finding out when the dinner is, she tells her she can't, but Miranda pleads with her to join them and adds, "I can't have my birthday without you." But why? Why is it so important she have her housekeeper join them? She does add that she's "part of the family now", but is she really? Daniel will see if he can reschedule the interview with Mr. Lundy, but he is booked solid. I don't know why he just doesn't make up an excuse and have Mrs. Doubtfire become sick or have to travel to England or something. 

At Bridges, he arrives with the family dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire and sees Mr. Lundy ahead of them. He hears him ask to sit in the non-smoking section (ah, yes, remember when restaurants were divided into smoking and non-smoking), so when the host asks Miranda where they would prefer to sit, Mrs. Doubtfire quickly insists they sit in the smoking section because she used to smoke and that the best way to keep from smoking "is to be around those who do smoke." If I were Miranda, I would give her a hard no, especially with three kids and one being so young! 

Under his Mrs. Doubtfire getup, Daniel is wearing a suit. That must have reeked with all that padding and fabric over it! He will get away from the table with his family (and Stuart, heh) four times. The first time is just to call the restaurant (the very same one he's already at) to ask them to give a message to Mr. Lundy that he will be late because of traffic. The other three times, Mrs. Doubtfire will make up an excuse to leave the table and goes into the restroom to change. While he's changing out of the Mrs. Doubtfire getup, they speed up the camera. They act like he's getting out of it really quick and I'm sure he's going as fast as he can, but it's gotta take some time to get out of this thing: there's the clothes, the bodysuit, the stockings and shoes, the jewelry, the wig, the mask, he's gotta wipe off the makeup. And I'm sure it's even more of a hassle to put all that stuff back on! I wonder how long the Hillard family and Stuart were waiting for Mrs. Doubtfire and how long Mr. Lundy was waiting for Daniel. I feel like a real life situation of this would not work as seamlessly as it does in the movie (well, at first it goes smoothly for him...).

The first time he meets with Mr. Lundy (and he was able to get away from his family by having Mrs. Doubtfire tell Miranda that she needed to take her medication orally (the look on Miranda's face!), he has quite a few drinks of Scotch with him, then looks over and sees his family looks bored because they're waiting for Mrs. Doubtfire to return before they order, so he makes an excuse to leave the table.

Because he's had so much to drink, when he returns as Mrs. Doubtfire, she falls out of the chair when she sits down. Pierce Brosnan looks like he's trying not to crack up. They all order and for some odd reason, Stuart orders the jambalaya, but tells the waiter not to make it to spicy because he's allergic to pepper. Since when can you order jambalaya that isn't spicy? That's the whole point of jambalaya: it's spicy! If you don't want spicy, order the white fish or something, I don't know! But don't order the freakin' jambalaya! 

Mrs. Doubtfire leaves the table again and this time when Daniel returns to the table with Mr. Lundy, he asks him why he's wearing lipstick and smells like perfume (he had doused himself earlier when getting re-dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire and apparently forgot to wipe off the lip stick). He says he ran into a waitress he used to date and they started making out, thus the lipstick and perfume. Mr. Lundy is a dirty old man and wants to know if the girl has a "lady friend" for him and Daniel says he'll go ask, giving him an excuse to leave. 

Just after he has changed into Mrs. Doubtfire, he hears the kitchen staff say the food for the table his family is sitting at is ready, so he puts a chef coat over Mrs. Doubtfire's dress, goes into the kitchen and sprinkles the jambalaya with cayenne pepper. Only in movies and TV shows does this happen where someone can walk into a kitchen of a restaurant and nobody will say anything. Instead of going to the family's table, he returns to Mr. Lundy's table still dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire (those Scotch's really did a number on him!) and Mr. Lundy gives him an odd look and asks, "Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?" Daniel does some pretty quick thinking and introduces him to Euphegenia Doubtfire, the new host for the children's TV show. Luckily for him, Mr. Lundy seems to like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Meanwhile, at the other table, they decide to start eating their food without their housekeeper because Miranda doesn't want their dinner to get cold. Predictably, Stuart starts choking on the shrimp and Daniel sees this and runs across the restaurant and as he's giving him the Heimlich maneuver, the mask starts to slip off. A shrimp flies out of his mouth and lands on the table right next to little Natalie, probably scarring her for life (that girl will never have an appetite for shrimp!). I have to wonder what was the point of making Stuart allergic to cayenne pepper? It was him choking that was the problem, not an allergic reaction. Maybe they had him be allergic so Daniel would feel guilty about adding the pepper or they wanted Daniel to be the reason Stuart almost died so Daniel could see he was being way out of line? Who knows? 

By this time the mask is halfway off his face and it's obvious who Mrs. Doubtfire really is. Even Daniel knows the jig is up because he uses his normal voice to ask Stuart if he's all right. Miranda is just looking on in pure horror. I love it when she says, "The whole time you were -- the whole time?" Best line of the movie! She is so upset and the family leaves. They barely even got to eat their dinner! 

The next scene takes us straight to the courtroom where Daniel points out he has a residence suited for children (after becoming Mrs. Doubtfire his place became a lot cleaner!) and has held down a job (of course he's talking about working at the TV studio, not being Mrs. Doubtfire!). He admits he had some "questionable behavior", but says he's "addicted to his children" which may not be the best word to use in a situation like this! He gives this very heartfelt speech, but the judge says he thinks what he just saw was a "performance from a very gifted actor" and tells him he's giving full custody to Miranda. He bears more bad news, telling him he will now have supervised visits every Saturday and wants him to get psychologically evaluated and then they will reexamine the case in one year. 

Back at the Hillard home, Miranda is trying to find a new housekeeper/nanny, but no one seems as perfect as the fictitious Mrs. Doubtfire. They're all talking about how much they miss her as though she were a real person which Miranda points out she wasn't. While they're talking about her, they suddenly hear her voice coming from the other room and there on the TV is their father dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, hosting a children's educational show. Looks like it didn't take any time at all for him to get that gig! 

In the end, Miranda talks with Daniel and he will now pick up the kids after school to take care of them until Miranda gets home from work. She got everything taken care of so it will just be them and he will be able to see them for more than one day a week. Perhaps this is what she should have done all along, but then again, if Daniel had never been Mrs. Doubtfire he wouldn't have needed an excuse to discipline his kids or make sure they eat healthy or clean the house. 

I have to wonder what would have happened if Daniel was never found out as Mrs. Doubtfire. If he had successfully passed his court case within the three months, I assume the kids would spend time with their father after school, much like the arrangement at the end of the movie, but maybe Miranda would still want Mrs. Doubtfire to clean the house for her. In that case, I'm guessing Daniel would come up with some excuse and have Mrs. Doubtfire tell her she's moving back to England. I do wonder if Lydia or Chris would ever tell their mom who Mrs. Doubtfire really was. Like, maybe ten or fifteen years from now, would they ever say, "Hey, Mom? Remember when we had that nanny for a few months about a decade ago right after you and Dad split up? Well, did you know that was actually Dad in that getup?" Hell, I wonder if they ever told her they knew it was their dad for awhile in the actual events of the movie. 

Wickedly Cool Stepmother

Stepmom

Director: Chris Colombus

Cast: Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Ed Harris, Jena Malone, Liam Aiken

Released: December 25, 1998

This might be my favorite late-'90s Julia Roberts movie. It certainly isn't Notting Hill or Runaway Bride because those movies made me want to tear my hair out. My Best Friend's Wedding isn't as bad as those two, but still managed to drive me crazy. It's been a very long time since I've seen Stepmom and honestly, I thought I was going to hate it, but actually really quite liked it. The only things I remembered about it was the "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" dance scene and that the ending was very sad. Oh, and just in case you've never seen this, there will be spoilers).

Jackie (Susan Sarandon) and Luke (Ed Harris) are parents to twelve-year-old Anna (Jena Malone) and seven-year-old Ben (Liam Aiken). They are now divorced (probably a couple years now) and Luke has been dating Isabel (Julia Roberts) for a year and she moved in with him in his Manhattan loft and has been living with him for a month. Oh, yeah, everyone is really rich in this movie. Luke is a lawyer, Isabel is a photographer and shoots photo spreads and ads for well-known fashion magazines, and while Jackie doesn't work anymore, she used to work at Random House and lives in this huge Victorian house with a wraparound porch that's by a lake. This house is ridiculously gorgeous and amazing and I would love to live in it! I guess there's plenty of other problems for the characters in this movie to have, but financial problems won't be one of them! 

When the movie starts, I thought Isabel was already their stepmom because the kids are at the loft and she's trying to get them up and ready for school. Luke isn't there (it's implied he works a lot and that's one of the reasons why he and Jackie got divorced) and Isabel isn't having much luck with the kids. Ben, who is an aspiring magician, is hiding from her (he seems to do this a lot)  and Anna is ticked at her because it's "purple shirt day" at school and Isabel forgot to wash her purple shirt. Isabel makes up some bs excuse of how she didn't forget, she was up all night thinking that Anna shouldn't wear the same color as everyone else and gives her a red shirt to wear instead. 

When Isabel starts making breakfast for them, she opens one of the cabinets and that's when she (and the audience) discover that Ben was hiding in there. Um, no. There is no way that child could fit in the cupboard. Especially when we see not only is there a divider, but both shelves are stocked full of boxes and cans of food. Heh, I'm not the only one to complain about this. This is also mentioned in the "goofs" section of its IMDb page. 

Jackie arrives to pick them up and the kids are overjoyed to see her. She tells Isabel, "I'll handle it from here." Clearly, she thinks Isabel can't take care of her children. 

So, yes, Isabel is not their stepmom at the beginning of the movie; in fact, while Luke does propose to her, she never becomes their stepmom during the duration of the movie (which starts in September or October and ends at Christmas; I'm guessing they had a spring or summer wedding). When Jackie and Luke are having a meeting with Anna's school counselor (or maybe it was just her teacher), we get exposition about the relationship between Luke and Isabel. Anna's parents have been called for a conference because apparently she told the school her parents were getting remarried and the family was moving to Switzerland. The teacher/counselor tells Anna's parents that Anna seems "apathetic toward her work knowing she's leaving before this semester." Jackie and Luke are quick to tell her that is absolutely not true and when the counselor/teacher asks them could there be anything going on at home for Anna to make up this stuff, this is when we find out about the living arrangement with Luke and Isabel. Jackie says she's half his age, but Luke says she's not. Clearly, she is younger than him, but we are never given the ages of the adult characters, so I can't verify if she is indeed half his age. However, if we're never given an age for a character, I always just assume they're the same age as the actor playing them. Ed Harris is seventeen years older than Julia Roberts, so Jackie is pretty much right that she is half his age. Unless, of course Ed Harris is supposed to be playing younger and Julia Roberts is supposed to be playing older. The counselor/teacher thinks Anna may be responding to the "underlying hostility" between her mother and Isabel. 

During a scene between Luke and Isabel at their loft, things are a bit tense because he's going to Pittsburgh for work and tells her he'll call a baby-sitter because he doesn't "expect [her] to handle [the kids herself]." Um, why can't the kids just stay with their mom? I don't understand why Luke would go to the trouble of getting a baby-sitter for the weekend instead of just asking Jackie to take care of them. Of course, the film's plot needs Isabel to watch them, so they can't have the kids stay with their mom. If they had put in a throwaway line about Jackie being busy that weekend, that would have helped a lot. Isabel tells him he means that he doesn't think she can handle them herself. She asks him to give her a chance to watch the kids, so he agrees.

While they're having this conversation, the phone rings three times and Isabel answers each time, but nobody replies. It's actually Anna on the other end and she's clearly pissed every time Isabel answers. I don't know why she just doesn't ask her to speak to her dad; she knows that Isabel lives there so it shouldn't be that surprising Isabel is answering the phone. By the third time Isabel answers the phone and doesn't get a reply, she says, "What is your problem, a$$h@le?" and Anna (finally) replies, "YOU are my problem!" (I thought she was going to call Isabel an a-hole, too, but she doesn't.) I don't know what possessed Isabel to answer the phone like that. Okay, I get things were already a little tense between her and Luke and she was annoyed that nobody was answering the phone, but why not tell Luke to answer the phone the third time it rings? Did it even occur to her that it might be one of his kids calling? She already knows they're not crazy about her so it makes sense they would be petty and not want to talk to her when she answers the phone. 

When she takes care of the kids, Luke, the aspiring magician, is making a "magic potion" that he put a spell on and whoever drinks it will go to sleep for one thousand years. It's just hot cocoa and he brings it over to Anna who's working on her drawings (if Luke is an aspiring magician, Anna is an aspiring artist) and she threatens if he spills it on her stuff, she'll put him to sleep for a thousand years. I kept waiting for the cocoa to spill and the siblings to get into a huge fight, but it never happens. 

Isabel comes into the room and tells them she has a surprise for them and has them sit on the couch with their eyes closed. She presents them with an adorable golden retriever puppy. Ben is thrilled, but the first thing Anna tells her is she's allergic to dogs. Isabel tells her that her dad didn't say anything about it (so it sounds like she got permission from their father to get them a dog) and Anna replies that he probably doesn't know she's allergic because he's never around. I'm sorry, this is such bs. I think her dad would know if she's allergic to anything. He may be busy with work, but he still spends time with his kids and would know details like that. Also, we'll later see Anna cuddling with the puppy. She's just saying this because she wants to hurt Isabel and is being a brat. She continue being a brat when Isabel tells them they should give the puppy a name and Anna suggests "Isabel" because she smells like her and, as she tells Isabel, "And I'm allergic to you, too. It fits perfectly." She goes to her room and Isabel follows her and tells her she would really like it if they could get along and Anna tells her she doesn't have to listen to her because "you're not my mother", to which Isabel replies, "Thank God for that!" When she realizes she's hurt Anna's feelings, she tells her, "What I meant to say is you have a great mom. You don't need another one." Heh, nice "save", Isabel. She adds that she would like to be treated with some respect when Anna is in this house. Anna tells her this is her dad's house, but Isabel is quick to remind her that this is her home too. Anna tells her to get out of her room, so she does and this is when we see Anna pick up the puppy who's come over to her door and she cuddles with it for the rest of the night. One thing I like about this movie is that the relationship between Isabel and her boyfriend's/fiancé's kids (especially Anna) is very realistic. It makes sense why these kids don't like her because they want their parents to get back together and they resent Isabel very much. 

Isabel reads to Ben who tells her to drink the cocoa because he made it specifically for her. She starts to get very sleepy and eventually falls asleep in the middle of reading. I thought Ben would think his magic potion worked, you know, since he said it would put anyone who drank it asleep for a thousand years, but instead he tells Anna that he killed her. It was all just very odd. 

The next morning, Isabel is late arriving with the kids late to Jackie's (amazingly ridiculously gorgeous) house. Jackie is mad because it's 7:23 and Isabel and the kids were supposed to be there at 6:30 because Anna had a riding lesson. (Ugh, who would want to have a riding lesson that early? I used to take take horseback riding lessons and they were seven in the evening!) Isabel tells her that it's Monday and Annas's riding lessons are on Tuesday, but Jackie corrects her and says, "Except for the third Tuesday of the month, which switches to Monday." Okay, that sounds way complicated! Also, wouldn't Anna know this and remind Isabel? Unless, she specifically didn't tell her to sabotage her which is I'm guessing what happened. Isabel asks for a cup of coffee and Jackie says she doesn't have any. She must be the only adult in the country not to have coffee in her house! Though, granted, I don't keep coffee in my apartment. (What's the point when both Starbucks and Scooters are less than five minutes from where you live?) 

You can tell there's already tension between Isabel and Anna because when the kids go upstairs to get ready for school, Anna is glaring at her. I thought she was still mad at Isabel about the previous night, but when Jackie asks her what happened, Isabel tells her that Anna saw her and Luke in the shower that morning when she "sort of walked in without even knocking." Who goes into a bathroom without knocking when the door is closed? And didn't Anna hear the shower running? I completely blame this on Anna...she's old enough to know better. Jackie wants to know if either her or Luke talked to Anna about it afterwards and Isabel tells her no, that she thought it would be uncomfortable for her and Jackie responds, "You mean for you." Uh, if I were Anna, I wouldn't want anyone to bring up me walking in on my dad with his girlfriend in the shower. No, I don't need to have a "conversation" about that; I'd rather just pretend it never happened! 

The two women start arguing and Jackie tells Isabel she could never be a mother because she is so self-involved and Isabel tells her maybe the problem is Anna and that "she is a spoiled, wiseass little brat." Look, I don't disagree with Isabel, but maybe not the best thing to say to the girl's mother. Of course, this pisses off Jackie and she tells Isabel to get out of her house. 

The next Saturday afternoon, both the kids are with Isabel in Central Park at a professional photo shoot because both their parents are busy. Isabel is shooting a woman with a long blonde braid wig (she is supposed to be Rapunzel) at Belvedere Castle in Central Park (I've been to Central Park and had no idea there was a "castle" there!). A guy in rock climbing gear is climbing up the castle wall, using her braid. I have no idea what product they're selling here. Rock climbing paraphernalia? I had to laugh when Ben tells his sister, "Wouldn't it be cool if her hair came out of her armpit?" That just seems like something a little boy would find "cool". Anna had the same reaction as I did; she looks disgusted and replies, "Sick." 

The kids start whining to Isabel that they're hungry. Apparently, they've been there for five hours! Good Lord, that is a long time! Isabel tosses Luke her coin purse and tells the kids to get some ice cream. We see time has elapsed and Anna has fallen asleep after eating her ice cream. Ben isn't with her and Isabel wakes Anna up, asking where he is. Anna doesn't know and a panicked Isabel starts screaming his name. (That has to be a terrifying situation to be in; my mind would go straight to the worst possible scenario). Anna thinks he may have been kidnapped (apparently, her mind also goes straight to the worst possible scenario), but Isabel assures her (but let's face its, she's trying to assure herself, mostly) that isn't the case; that "he's just hiding."

We never see Ben get found; but she must have called the police and they must have told them a police officer found him because Isabel and Ben's parents come rushing to the police station where he is sitting with some officers, showing them a magic trick. The police tell them they found him at the zoo. Isabel apologizes to Jackie, but she ignores her and tells Luke, "That woman is to have nothing more to do with my children" and Luke corrects her and says, "Our children." Jackie tells both of them she's getting a court order and that Isabel "will never be with these children alone again." I understand why she's so upset, but she's being a tad overdramatic. She must think the same thing because later, when Luke asks her not to go through with it, she tells him she's going to give him one last chance.

Soon after, Jackie is late picking up the kids from school. So late, in fact, that the school calls Isabel's place of work and ask if she can pick them up. The kids can't believe their mom forgot about them. Ben tells Isabel that's something she would do and Isabel tells them that's exactly what happened. She makes up a story about how their mom had to help a friend with an emergency and called to ask her to pick up the kids. Isabel says she got caught up at work and just forgot. At this moment, we see Jackie walk in and take the kids home. She looks at Isabel, but doesn't tell her thank you or anything. She and the kids just walk out of the school. 

Later, Jackie asks Isabel if she can watch the kids Saturday afternoon because she has an appointment. This appointment is a doctor's appointment and Jackie finds out she has cancer. She is meeting Luke at a restaurant and he tells her he has news too, so she tells him to go first. Clearly, she is procrastinating in telling him the news! Luke's news isn't too surprising. He tells Jackie he's going to ask Isabel to marry him and he wants her to be okay with it for the kids' sake. He knows if Jackie will be okay with it, so will the kids. When he asks what her news is, she says it was nothing and that they "have quite enough to deal with" just with his news. Yep, totally avoiding telling him! 

We see the proposal scene, then soon after we get a scene where Luke and Jackie tell the kids the news and they are not happy. (Interesting that it was Luke and Jackie telling them, and not Luke and Isabel, but I think this way does make more sense). Jackie tells her kids that Isabel isn't going to take her place as their mom (eh, that's debatable!) and Luke says, "Isabel's going to be in your life and hopefully you can learn to accept her." Jackie comforts her crying daughter, who really thought her parents would get back together (even though she is too old to think that would happen) and tells her life is unfair and full of hard choices, but she has a choice: "You can either take the hard things and make your life better or you can make it worse." She tells her to see the good side of Isabel and what she brings to her dad's life and to hers. This is showing real character growth for Jackie. 

So that is exactly what Anna does. Halloween soon rolls around and Ben is dressed as a wizard (or maybe he's dressed as a magician dressed as a wizard?) and Anna is dressed as Elvis. (Isn't sixth grade a little too old to still be trick-or-treating?) It is still broad daylight when they're trick or treating, so they must be doing this around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I looked up to see what day Halloween was on in 1998 and it was on a Saturday, so they didn't have to worry about school, so they could have easily gone in the evening. This seems so weird to me...usually when kids trick or treat, it's already dark. I understand that they probably did it this way because it's probably more convenient to film during the day. Anna tells her mom she's been thinking about what she said about Isabel and to see the "good side" of her. Perhaps she took her mother's advice a little too well because she goes on about how Isabel knows all about "clothes and stuff" and that she knows "every rock 'n' roll song ever written" and she knows all the "cool junk food places to eat." She concludes with, "Once you get to know her, she's kinda cool." I can see a twelve-year-old girl being into a young, cool stepmom type who knows about clothes and junk food. The rock 'n' roll music? Eh, young kids wouldn't care about that. Now if Isabel knew about current music, then she would definitely be in with Anna. She tells her mom not to tell Isabel what she told her. Oh, Anna, I don't think you have to worry about that! 

Turns out Jackie is starting to feel a little insecure (and we get many instances of this) that when Anna drops the kids off at her house after picking them up from school, Jackie, right in front of Isabel, tells Anna that they are going to the Pearl Jam concert that night. After an excited Anna tells her mom she's the coolest and goes to get ready, Jackie tells Isabel, "That was a great idea, thanks." This is a low blow because Isabel had asked Jackie if she could take Anna to this concert and when Jackie found out it was on a Thursday night, she said absolutely not, she's too young for that. (I think she would've come up with an excuse not to let Isabel take her if it was on weekend night). I guess Jackie wasn't worried about it being on a school night; she just wanted her daughter to think she was the cool one. 

Jackie has started undergoing chemotherapy and she still hasn't told anyone about her illness. At Anna's soccer game, Isabel asks Jackie if she's feeling all right and says she looks a "little tired." Jackie tells her, "I hate when people say that. It's a polite way of telling you look like sh*t." Yes! This annoys me too! Especially if you're not tired when people tell you that! Luckily (er, maybe that's not the right word) I always AM tired so when people tell me that, it's usually because I am! Isabel tells her she's noticed she's been busy lately and asks her if she's seeing anyone. Jackie tells her she's been spending some time with her old boss and "trying to decide whether or not [she's] going back to Random House."

Jackie starts her chemotherapy treatment and isn't doing to well. She calls Isabel to tell her she got a call from Random House and they want her to come in that afternoon to meet with the editor. She won't be back in time to pick up Ben at a birthday party and asks Isabel if she get him and Isabel tells her she can. 

For some reason, when Isabel is driving down the highway, she has the window open.... even though it's November. And they're in New York. There's absolutely no reason why she should have the window rolled down, but they need to have her lose the piece of paper with the address she wrote down on it. She's holding it while she's also looking at the map and while she's messing with the map, the little piece of paper flies out the window. I also thought she was going to lose the map, but she doesn't. They need this to happen so she can call Random House to ask Jackie for the address, but only for her to find out that Jackie, in fact, is NOT there and the woman tells her she hasn't seen Jackie since she left Random House eleven years ago.

After Isabel drops Ben off at Jackie's (extremely exquisite) house (guess she was able to pick him up without the address!), Jackie goes inside with him, talking about the party and Isabel starts going through Jackie's mail which she had brought outside with her in a little sitting area in the yard while she waited for Ben to come home. While Isabel is rifling through it (shame, shame!), she finds someone from Random House has typed her a note that says, "Can't wait to see you here. I know you're anxious, but it's going to be wonderful. Everything will work out perfectly." She also finds round trip airline tickets to Los Angeles. She puts the mail back before Jackie returns, but quickly confronts her and tells her she knows her secret. There's a moment of surprise that passes over Jackie's face and she's probably wondering how Isabel knows she has cancer, but in the same breath, Isabel tells her she saw the note and the airline tickets and that she knows she's not working at Random House in New York. She accuses Jackie of taking the kids and moving to L.A. At this point, I'm confused because while I don't know why she's going to L.A., I know she's not moving across the country for a new job. I get even more confused when Jackie pretty much confirms Isabel's suspicions when she tells her she thought she would have loved this because "you lose the witch and her two little brats in one swoop. Simplifies everything. You get your life back." The two argue back and forth: Isabel tells her there's plenty of publishing houses in New York she can get a job at and Jackie tells her it's called "bi-coastal parenting" and that Luke will get the kids every other holiday and one month in the summer and adds, "It's not ideal, but it works." Gee, that sounds awful! I'm not sure what their arrangement is now, but it seems like the kids are with their mom during the week and their dad on weekends, and while I don't know how far away their parents live from each other, it's sure a hell of a lot closer than flying across the entire country! I've flown across only half the country and that felt long to me! Isabel tells her she can't take Luke's kids away from him; that "We can't live like that!" Jackie questions the "we" and tells her it's not her problem and that Luke should talk to her (Jackie). Isabel disagrees and tells her she's going to marry Luke and they're going to share their life together. As she tells Jackie, "His kids are everything to him and he would be devastated not to be near them." 

So after all this, Jackie tells her she's wrong about everything and explains a colleague of hers wrote the note. This colleague now lives in L.A. and Jackie will be staying with her while she gets protein injections that were recommended by her oncologist and you can only get them in L.A. Needless to say, Isabel is shocked to learn that Jackie has cancer and asks her if she's dying and Jackie replies, "Not today."  

Can we go back to that note for one second? The one that Jackie's colleague wrote to her that said, "Everything will work out perfectly." This seems very weird to write to someone who has cancer. (I'm assuming the friend knew why she was coming to L.A.) Why would you tell someone who has cancer that "Everything will work out perfectly."? (Spoiler alert: it doesn't). That seems a little...presumptuous to assume that. 

Now that Isabel knows about Jackie's cancer, she really has no choice but to tell Luke and together, they tell the kids. Anna is angry that her mom never told her about it until now even though she's known about it for a long time. Luke defends her and says she wanted to "wait until the right time" and Jackie tells them she didn't want to scare them and wanted to wait until her sickness was "smaller." Anna says that Isabel should be with them because it's Thursday and that's her day to pick them up. Ben says he'd rather be with his mom and Anna (quite harshly) tells him their mom is dying and Isabel is their new mom now (not quite yet, Anna, hold your horses!) She accuses her mother of lying to her and how she can never trust her again. When she runs upstairs, her dad tells her, "You do not run out on your mother!", she stops, turns around, looks back at him, and replies, "No, that's your job." Ooh, harsh burn! I audibly gasped when she said that. 

So later that evening, after Anna has had time to process everything and after Luke has left, we get the scene where Jackie dances and lip synchs to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" with her kids. Like I mentioned earlier, this is the only scene from the movie I remembered. 

During the kids' school's Thanksgiving pageant (it's kinda weird that Anna and Ben attend the same school since he's in elementary school and she should be in middle school, though technically I guess sixth grade (I'm pretty sure that's the grade she was in) could still be elementary school, but by 1998, that seemed kind of passé), Isabel tells Jackie that Anna's been "going out" with the "class heartthrob", Brad, for two weeks. For the record, Brad looks like a low-rent Devon Sawa. Very low-rent Devon Sawa. That day, during lunch, he publicly announced he was breaking up with her. Isabel knows all this because Anna told her when she picked her up from school that afternoon. She also told Isabel she cried in the bathroom (aw, poor thing) and she didn't tell her mom because she didn't want her making a big deal out of it. Isabel is telling Jackie all of this because Anna asked Isabel what she should do and Isabel told her she should talk to her mom and gives notice to Jackie that Anna's going to ask her tomorrow so she should be ready. 

The next day is Thanksgiving and as Jackie and Anna are setting the table, Anna tells her mom what she told Isabel yesterday and the reason Brad is breaking up with her is because she didn't let him kiss her with her mouth open (and before you ask, yes, Jackie did ask her if she let him kiss her with her mouth closed and Anna just gives her mom a look) and apparently Brad told his little minion friends this because every time they saw her, they would call her names like "Ice Princess." Hell, I would embrace a name like that. Makes you sound cool like you're Daenerys Targaryen. She says she retaliates and calls Brad names like "fart face" and Jackie's advice for her is that she should just ignore him. Since all he wants is the attention and once he doesn't get it, "he might try a little harder, but then he'll get frustrated and give up." Anna asks her mom if she thinks that's what Isabel would do and slightly throws shades at her mother when she tells her, "She's younger. Maybe she remembers how to do this." Hmm, I think Anna wanted Isabel's advice on this all along. To be fair, she DID ask for Isabel's advice and she was the one who told Anna to talk to her mom. 

So a few day later, when Isabel picks up the kids from school (she's late because she was working), she sees they're the only ones waiting outside and Anna is crying. After Isabel tells Ben to wait in the car, she asks Anna what happened and she tells her that her mom told her to ignore Brad, which she did, and he called her "Frosty the Snow Bitch" (remember, Christmas is right around the corner) in front of everyone. This kid really needs to be smacked. Preferably twice. Isabel says she has an idea, but Anna snivels and tells her no thanks, that she doesn't need advice from a stepmother (again, she's technically not their stepmother yet). Isabel says she has a choice: cry about it or do something about it. Anna chooses the latter and they go to a diner where Isabel hatches her plan: Monday after school she'll walk up to Brad "with attitude" and tell him "I'm not going to waste my time with some loser who doesn't even know what snowblowing is." Anna interrupts her to ask her what that means and she tells her, "It's a disgusting and not even remotely sexy thing" she once heard described in a movie she'd never take her to. My first thought was, is this movie Nine and a Half Weeks or Basic Instinct? I've never seen either of them but I know they're highly sexual, but I'm guessing she's talking about a fictional movie. Actually, I lied. That was not my first thought. I also wondered what snowblowing is and I don't know if this is a real thing and to be honest, I'm too scared to look it up on urban dictionary because if it is a real thing (which wouldn't surprise me), I am sure Isabel is telling the truth when she says its "disgusting" and frankly, I would rather not know! Please, let me remain in my ignorant bliss. Even if it wasn't something in 1998, I'm sure it became something (and this movie can take credit for it....but, uh, that's probably not something to be proud of!) 

Isabel continues and tells her after she says that, Anna will walk away, whip back around and say, "The guy I see is in high school and he laughs his ass off whenever we talk about you." She adds that there will be a "suitable boy" with "a very expensive bike" (she's talking about a moped, not a bicycle, for the record). "Suitable boy" makes me laugh because it makes it sound like she's going to find an average-looking boy, at best. Isabel does clear things up when she tells Anna, "He will be a stone fox, even if I have to call an escort service." Okay, eww, I hope she's joking because it is highly inappropriate (and some might even say illegal) to have a guy from an escort service flirt with a twelve-year-old girl. It's a good thing Jackie wasn't privy to this conversation! Also, consdering that Isabel is a fashion photographer, she has ample access to many good-looking (and hopefully age appropriate) male models to play the role of "Anna's new hot older boyfriend." 

So Monday afternoon rolls around and Isabel is standing by her car pretty much spying on Anna and Brad and everything that goes down between them. We know she's not even supposed to be there to pick up the kids because she's surprised when Jackie shows up and asks her what she's doing there and Jackie tells her she's there to pick up her kids. (Duh, Isabel!) So they're both watching Anna performing the skit that Isabel thought up for her and after she tells off Brad, she walks over to the bike rack and hugs a good-looking young male mode and he kisses her (well, it's more like a peck on the cheek). I would say he was no older than sixteen so at least he looked age appropriate. Still a little weird that a high schooler would date a girl who attends elementary school (or even middle school, but considering both Anna and Ben were waiting for Isabel outside the school together makes me think they attend the same school, unless one of their schools is nearby and the other walked to this school to wait for Isabel together...but I think I'm giving way too much thought about this and both kids go to the same school, thus making Anna a sixth grader who attends elementary school and it's super weird that a good-looking high school boy (or any high schooler) for that matter would ever date someone in elementary school). The more I write about this, the more I understand why Jackie was so upset! 

All of Brad's friends are ribbing him, calling him a "loser" and he just looks like an idiot with his mouth hanging open. Yeah, he doesn't look so hot compared to that male model! Jackie asks Isabel, "Who is that? He looks familiar. He looks like that guy in his underwear for Calvin Klein." Isabel corrects her, "Fully dressed for Ralph Lauren." Ha! I wouldn't be surprised if Jackie was right and he was also in the CK ad. After the male model gives Anna another peck on the cheek, she runs up to Isabel and hugs her, exclaiming, "It worked! It worked!" She should have at least pretended to leave with the model, but Brad did leave first, so I guess he wouldn't have seen anything. 

Of course, Jackie wants to know what's going on, so Isabel has to tell her what happened and she and Jackie get into a fight about the advice Isabel gave Anna. Jackie is not happy about certain words Isabel told Anna to use and the fact that she lied about having a boyfriend. Yeah, but she only lied to her lame, jerky ex and his equally lame minions, so I don't think she should be getting upset about that. Isabel asks her what she has done and Jackie replies, "You have turned her into you" and Isabel tells her she is trying and the she has the children's "best interests at heart." 

After their fight, they meet later at a restaurant and Jackie admits she lost Ben in the grocery store a year ago. Isabel confesses that she feels inferior compared to Jackie about being a mother; that she will never live up to her. Jackie has the history with the kids. Isabel talks about the future with Anna's wedding. She'll be in a room with Anna helping her with her dress and telling her how beautiful she is and she fears that Anna will be thinking, "I wish my mom was here." Jackie tells her that her fear is that Anna WON'T be thinking that. Then she says, "The truth is, she doesn't have to choose. She can have us both. Love us both. She will be a better person because of me. And because of you." She says that she has their past and Isabel can have their future. Susan Sarandon is crying, Julia Roberts is crying, I'M crying! OMG, the tears are flowing everywhere! 

The last scene takes place on Christmas and everyone is celebrating at Jackie's (astonishingly enchanting) house. In an earlier scene, her doctor had told her the chemotherapy hadn't worked but there are other options available like treatment in Paris or Switzerland. Jackie tells her she wants to spend what time she has left at home with her family. We aren't given a time frame of how exactly how much time she has left, but I think it's pretty apparent that this will be her last Christmas and it's so sad! 

Isabel, Luke, and the kids are downstairs and Jackie is upstairs in her room where she has requested some time alone with each kid separately so they can open their present and essentially have a "good-bye" scene with her. I was confused at first and thought maybe she was too weak to come downstairs to spend Christmas with the rest of the family, but that isn't the case. She just wants to have some quality time alone with each of her kids, then she will come downstairs. 

Ben goes upstairs first and Jackie has made him a magician's cape that have pictures of them together patched onto it. Ben asks his mom if she's dying and is sad that he won't see her anymore. She tells him since he's a magician he should know the secret of "just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it's not there", alluding to she'll always be with him inside and his heart and that they can still meet inside his dreams. He says it's not the same thing, which he is right! Before he leaves, he asks her to make sure his dad knows how to double knot his sneakers the way she does for school in the morning. Jackie says she will and looks so sad. It's so sad because he knows she won't always be around to do that! 

Anna comes in with a cup of tea for her mom and opens her present: a quilt Jackie has made with pictures of them together. She tells her daughter, "It's like a scrapbook you can keep warm with." Things start to get real when Anna asks her mom if she's scared and Jackie replies that she was mostly scared for her (Anna), but isn't anymore because she knows she's going to be okay. This shows real growth of the relationship between her and Isabel. Mother and daughter have a nice heart to heart, then Anna tells her, "I don't want to say goodbye. I'm going to miss you so much!" Oh, God, and here come the waterworks again!

Everyone (including Jackie) is downstairs opening the other gifts and Isabel is taking pictures. There's an earlier montage in the movie where she was taking photos of Jackie with her kids - reading to them, riding horses, ice skating, so it's nice that they'll have these memories of their mom's last moments to look back on. Isabel has the kids sits on the couch with their parents and takes their photo. Then Jackie says, "Let's get one with the whole family. Isabel?" and invites her to sit on the couch with them and Isabel sets the timer on her camera and the movie ends. And I'm probably still crying! 

Oh, in case you were wondering, here is a picture of the house I keep raving about. It's located in Nyack, New York and it only costs a little over 3 million! Luke and Jackie must have been making really good money if they could afford that! I wish I could create that house on Sims 3 (yes, I still play Sims 3; I could care less about Sims 4!), but I majorly suck at building things so that will never happen! 

Ready to Run

Runaway Bride

Director: Garry Marshall

Cast: Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Joan Cusack, Christopher Meloni, Hector Elizondo, Rita Wilson, Paul Dooley, Donal Logue

Released: July 30, 1999

More like Runaway Viewer, am I right?

This 1999 Julia Roberts rom-com might be even worse than her other 1999 rom-com, Notting Hill. Clearly, this was an excuse for Garry Marshall to capitalize on the success of Pretty Woman and make a movie with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere (and Hector Elizondo!) again. 

So much about this movie drove me crazy and didn't make any sense to me. Anyway, let's just get into it, shall we?

Ike Graham (Richard Gere) is a writer who lives in New York with his fluffy cat named Italics (which, I won't lie, I kinda love that he named his cat that) where he has his own column in USA Today and everyone seems to know who he is. We see him outside walking to a bar (where he apparently writes his columns; like that helps when there are drunk people around you talking and laughing or playing darts while you're trying to finish your column by a certain deadline) and the people on the streets of NYC are asking him what his next column is going to be or give him ideas on what he should write about.  

At the bar, a drunk man gives him an idea for a story he could write about. There's a woman from his hometown who dumps grooms at the altar. She is called "the runaway bride." The man tells Ike she's done this 7-8 times and she's already engaged to someone else. Without even interviewing her or anyone else (I guess he didn't have time since the article was in the next day's paper), Ike writes about the woman, Maggie Carpenter (Julia Roberts) who lives in the small town of Hale, Maryland and works at her father's hardware store. He calls her a "man eater" and writes that "she like to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them." 

Maggie sees the column, but thinks her best friend, Peggy (Joan Cusack), and cousin, Cindy, wrote the column as a joke. I don't know how she thinks these two small-town women could have a "joke" article published about her in USA Today. I was a bit confused by that. When she realizes it was not a joke, she begins to hyperventilate and writes back to the columnist to accuse him of slander and to set some things straight and points out he had fifteen "gross factual misrepresentations". 

It just so happens that Ike's editor, Ellie (Rita Wilson), is also his ex-wife. (That's gotta be awkward!) She tells him she has to fire him for what he did. Look, I understand writing an article without checking your facts is really, really bad, BUT it's not like this is a major national or international story. This is just some random woman in small town USA who runs away from marriages at the last minute (the very last minute!) If anything, he should have been suspended from writing his article for a month, written Maggie a sincere apology, and maybe the paper should have given Maggie a nice little compensation. Then maybe Ike could have interviewed her and written a factual, actual article about her. Also, how did this article even get published without anyone checking it first? 

Ike claims he did have "a source" and when Ellie guesses, "Some boozehound in a bar?", she's not wrong. She tells him if he goes quietly, he'll get severance pay. Hopefully he'll get enough to pay for the rent for the ridiculously lavish NYC apartment he resides in! I guess columnists for USA Today make a nice little chunk of change! The next day Maggie excitedly reads in USA Today that Ike has been fired and his column will no longer be appearing in the paper. The apology is written under the headline "USA Today divorces columnist Graham." 

Ike's friend and Ellie's husband, Fisher (Hector Elizondo), does free lance for GQ and tells Ike he can still write his story. Maybe his facts weren't all correct, but his theory might be and if she runs again, he'll have a story. So Ike is up to the challenge and he decides to spend the next two weeks in Hale. Honestly, I have no idea why he cares about this story so much. 

Even though Hale is a homonym for Hell, it is an idyllic small town where everyone is friendly and knows each other (and knows everyone's business...that part isn't so idyllic). There are many jokes where Ike compares Hale to Mayberry: he literally calls it Mayberry at one point, he whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song when he and Maggie are walking through Main Street (I did laugh when she goes, "I know what that is"), and he calls this old woman "Aunt Bea". I'm surprised he didn't have an interaction with a little redhead boy so he could call him "Opie." 

Ike first stops at her family's hardware store and there's a note on the door saying she's at the beauty shop, so that's where he goes. It's called Curl Up and Dye which is a funny pun, but I wouldn't go to a salon called that! Maggie's best friend, Peggy (her name is Peggy Flemming, but she's not the ice skater) works there and Maggie is on the floor, working on one of the swivel chairs. She hears Ike ask Peggy he's looking for her and is trying to hide behind the chair, but since the chair is only about a couple feet from where he is, of course he can see her, though they're trying to angle the camera like he can't see her. Uh-uh, Garry Marshall, you can't fool me! Peggy asks if he's a reporter, that reporters have been wanting to talk to Maggie "about getting that a-hole from New York fired." Maggie gets up to talk to him and everything seems fine at first, but then she takes a peek at the USA Today which is lying on one of the counters and it just so happens to be opened to Ike's column where there's a photo of Ike. Realizing he's the enemy, she and Peggy offer to give him a wash to get rid of all that city grit from his hair and they end up dying his hair about six different colors, which is quite impressive they could do that. Okay, my question is, why didn't Maggie recognize him as soon as he walked into the salon because she had already seen his picture before. 

 

We find out that Maggie is getting married a week from Sunday. Now I'm not sure what day it is when Ike first meets her, but just keep in mind that Maggie is getting married "a week from Sunday." We'll come back to that later. 

To Maggie's dismay, Ike tells her he's staying until the day of the wedding because he knows she's going to run again. (And honestly? I would place my money on him). While in Hale (why does that make me laugh?), Ike meets Maggie's father and grandmother (her mother died when she was in college) and even talks to the previous three men who were supposed to be Maggie's husband at one point. There's even a video of all three near-nupitals and Maggie is captured running away from all three. The fact that this video exists is hilarious. 

So through the videos and Ike's interviews with the men and from what Maggie tells him, I've compiled a list about all of Maggie's fiancés:

The first husband-to-be- was to be Gill Chavez and their wedding had sort of a 60s/Woodstock vibe going on. This is probably because they were into going to concerts (they went to a couple in San Francisco) and they each got a rose tattoo (we see Maggie wearing a dress that shows off her back, that shows off her tattoo) and Gill proposed with a rose ring. (Maggie kept all her engagement rings (which she shows to Ike), which is a bit...odd. I feel like you should return the ring if you're not getting married to the guy!) On the wedding video Ike watches, the groom is playing the guitar and Maggie jumps on a trampoline and crowds surfs. Already, this seems like the worst wedding ever. Before she's about to get married, a guy with a motorcycle shows up (no, not her next husband, just some random dude she knew) and she hops on and they drive off. She has a fun, youthful look with her hair in pigtails with a sunflower crown. I am a bit confused by the time line of these weddings since we never get a solid year when each one occurred. Were they all about five years apart? Only a year? That would be a nice little detail to know. Ike exposes Maggie's tattoo as being a fake and this crushes Gill, even though this all presumably happened years ago. 

Her second wedding is as opposite as her first one as you can get. This time, she's getting married in a huge Catholic church to a man named Brian Norris (played by Donal Logue) and everything is a bit more prim and proper than her previous wedding! I do love her lace trimmed dress, but her train is ridiculously long! I have never understood the point of having a ridiculously long dress unless you're Lady Gaga trying to make a fashion state or getting married in a royal wedding. Perhaps it was a sign their wedding was in a huge church, because we see Maggie go to confession (even though she's not Catholic) and tell the priest she's "been having bad thoughts - I want to destroy this man's life, career, everything. I want revenge." Of course, she's talking about Ike and she already got him fired from USA Today, so she's doing a pretty good so far! It turns out the priest is Brian, who has found his true calling. Out of all of Maggie's exes, he seems the least burned and has no anger with her whatsoever. We do learn that she dated Brian ten years ago, so that gives us some perspective on the time. She tells Brian about Ike and how he'll probably stop by to interview him with a bunch of ridiculous questions, but Brian says he's already been by to interview him and he only asked one ridiculous questions which was "how does Maggie like her eggs?" 

The third wedding was to be to an entomologist named George Swilling, who happened to be the guy from the bar in New York who gave Ike the idea for the story in the first place. They have an outdoor wedding where Maggie rides in on a horse, only to gallop away. So by this time, it's absolutely ridiculous that Maggie is having a THIRD wedding, don't you think? The first wedding, okay, whatever, it's the first wedding and you just think Maggie wasn't ready to marry this guy or he wasn't the guy for her. The second wedding didn't bother me since everyone is probably thinking this is the guy she's meant to be with. But a THIRD wedding? After she's pulled this sh*t twice now? Uh-huh, no way. At first, I thought the poor schmuck (aka groom #3) didn't know about Maggie because he was from the city, but then I remembered he tells Ike that Maggie is from his hometown, so he knew about her. Why would you ever get engaged to someone who's run off on two previous weddings? And this guy seems to be the most vitriolic towards her, which is so stupid since he knew about her track record. 

And speaking of people who are aware of Maggie's track record, this brings us to husband-to-be number four, Bob (Christopher Meloni), who is well aware of Maggie's past, but seems to think he will be able to get Maggie to marry him. Bob is a high school PE teacher and has climbed Everest twice (as someone who's read Into Thin Air and watched the movie, I have never understood the appeal of wanting to doing that). They will be traveling to Nepal for their honeymoon to climb Annapurra, which sounds like the worst honeymoon ever. Also, pretty sure Maggie has never climbed any mountain, so why would you take an inexperienced climber all the way to Nepal? Even Ike knows this is bs and tells Maggie she doesn't want to go there for her honeymoon, but she keeps insisting she does. To Maggie's dismay, Bob has invited Ike to the wedding and she asks him, "Don't you realize that he's writing another article about me?" Bob isn't worried because he's convinced she's not running. Poor Bob. Why does he think he's so special that this time will be different? Actually, Bob is special in a way, but we'll get to that later.  

Since this is a small town, Maggie is able to convince the manager of the inn where Ike is staying to give her the key to him room and he does as long as she promises "not to take anything big" - now you think that sentence would stop after the word, "anything", but no, just as long she doesn't take "anything big" (I assume that means in value terms, not actual physical size, but still!). While snooping around, Maggie finds some of his Post-Its with notes about his story. She reads one of them aloud: "How does she get all those guys to propose? She's not that beautiful?" Eesh, that's harsh. And if he doesn't think Julia Roberts is beautiful, he must have some ridiculously high standards. But, of course, he thinks she's beautiful. We all know this. 

None of his notes she finds paint her in a flattering light, so Maggie tells Ike that she will help him "write the truth." She tells him, "I've decided to cooperate and let you interview me for a thousand bucks." She wants this money to help buy a dress she really wants. For this, she will let him interview her and follow her around. They negotiate and she agrees to $650 in the end. 

The dress Maggie wants is the one in the display window. She tells the store's owner (an elderly woman, the one who Ike calls "Aunt Bea" to her face) that she wants to buy it and that she has the $1000 that it costs to pay for it. For some strange reason, the woman, who remember, is the owner of this stores, tries to talk Maggie out of buying a $1000 dress and to instead buy the $300 one they have on hold for her in the back. She tells her she's only going to wear it for a few minutes (heh, even "Aunt Bea" thinks she's gonna run again). In a movie full of head scratching moments, this has to be high on the list. Her job is to SELL dresses and here is a customer willing to give her $700 extra for a different dress. She should be ecstatic about this and ringing up the dress for Maggie and thanking her for her purchase and telling her to have a wonderful wedding. Why does she care so much that she take the cheaper dress? This makes absolutely no sense. Now if Peggy or Maggie's grandmother were with them, I could see them persuading Maggie not to overindulge on a dress, but this is a woman who's trying to make a sale. If Maggie wants to blow $1000 on a dress she's only going to wear for a few minutes, then let her! Since when did sales people grow "morals"? Gimme a break! Now that I think about this scene, it kinda reminds of that famous scene in Pretty Woman where the sales women refuses to help Julia Roberts because she's dressed like a hooker. So I wonder if this is a homage to that? Either way, it's totally stupid that this woman wouldn't want to make sell a thousand dollar dress. Ike just grabs the dress and tells "Aunt Bea" they're taking it. 

Out of all the wedding dresses Maggie wears in this movie, this one is my least favorite. Yes, it is pretty, I will admit that, but it would have been much better if it was a strapless dress without that weird sheer fabric.

So, surprise, surprise, we see Maggie and Ike growing closer and Maggie tells Ike how her dad began drinking more and more after her mom passed away and how she had to quit school (she was studying design) to come back home to help out with the hardware store. They even had a moment where they almost kiss, but they don't. 

A luau-themed (an elaborate luau-themed!) wedding reception is held for Maggie and Bob (again, why are we spending so much money on this woman's THIRD reception? Did I miss the part of the movie where Maggie's dad is filthy rich?) and when Maggie's family and friends stand up to give a toast, they all make jokes such as, "May the groom's heart be filled with hope, and the bride's feet filled with lead" and "May the gifts be returnable." Her dad even makes this one: "You know the old saying, 'You're not losing a daughter?' Well, I'd like to! Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke, but she is certainly the fastest." Ike is really offended by these toasts. (Oh yeah, did I tell you that Ike was invited?) So much so that he goes up to the table where Maggie is sitting with Bob, kneels down and asks if she's okay. Then he decides to give his own toast, or rather, roast: "To Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bull's eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices, and may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes." That sure shut everyone up! Also, I think Ike is overreacting just a tad. Yeah, maybe they should have toned it down with the jokes, but he just acts so sanctimonious about it. 

A rehearsal is held two days before the wedding. Bob insisted on this because he wants Maggie to "visualize the ceremony." It has been discovered if Maggie loses eye contact with the groom, then she gets freaked out and runs, so he keeps telling her to "keep her eye on the ball." Ike is there (of course) and Maggie suggests that he play the pastor because it will give him "a great view." 

So they start the rehearsal and Maggie is supposed to walk down the aisle, but she keeps tensing and walking really slowly. Bob decides he's going to walk with her and has Ike play the part of the groom. There's his first big mistake. Bob tells her not to break eye contact with the groom and Maggie is gazing intently into Ike's eyes. Bob, now playing the part of the pastor, yada yadas through the ceremony, and ends with "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." He continues on with instructions about what they'll do next, but Maggie and Ike are still staring at each other and kiss in front of Bob, not to mention Peggy and Maggie's cousin, who are also there (as they are the bridesmaids). 

Of course, Bob is not happy about this and asks them how long this has been going on. Maggie says a minute and Ike says a little longer for him, which Maggie seems very happy about. She smiles and says, "Really?" WTF?  Bob asks them what he's supposed to say to this and Ike replies that he could say, "Well, I hope you two will be really happy together." Again, WTF? If I were Bob, I would punch Ike in the face. Oh, wait, that's exactly what he does after he says what Ike suggests he should say. He storms out of the church with Maggie running after him, apologizing. She tells him, "At least this time I backed out before the wedding." 

Yes, so Bob is special in that while Maggie still left him, at least it wasn't at the altar! No, she just left him for another man which might be even worse.

Maggie must be a sociopath because she does not care at all what she did to Bob (and we'll see pretty soon that Bob gets over it pretty fast too) because she and Ike start making out again. These two are shameless! Then we get this ridiculous moment where Ike suggests to Maggie that since she already has the dress, the church, and the wedding date, she may as well just marry him. This guy certainly has some nerve, doesn't he? He tells her, "You do have to go down the aisle with somebody that you love and who loves you back." Ugh, barf. No, Maggie does not have to go down the aisle if she's not ready to get married! Especially to some guy she's only known a week? Maybe a week and a half at best. So stupid and ridiculous. But she agrees to get married to him in two days. 

When the big day arrives, it's covered by the media. One of the reporters says, "Maggie Carpenter, always a bride, never a bridesmaid" which made me laugh. But, seriously, does the country really care about some random small town woman's wedding? No, no they do not. 

The ceremony is probably only an hour away and while Peggy and her cousin are in their bridesmaid dresses, Maggie is only wearing her veil and her her jeans and flannel shirt on. Hmm, something tells me she doesn't want to get married. Peggy tells her, "He's the one. He really is the one." Why? Why is he so different than the rest? Because he's Richard Gere and she's Julia Roberts? I really don't get it. 

Ike has invited Ellie and Fisher to the wedding. Ellie whispers to him, "I have a car waiting out back for you in case she decides to run." Hmmm, did she jinx him? Remember how I said we'll see that Bob gets over his fiancee dumping him for another man pretty fast? Well, he actually comes to the wedding! Yes, he comes to the wedding that was supposed to be his. That seems weird, no? But, no, he's perfectly fine and even gives Ike a flower to wear on his lapel and gives Ike the advice to "maintain eye contact." Have I mentioned how stupid and unrealistic this movie is? 

 

Okay, so I did laugh when the ceremony is about to start and Maggie tells her bridesmaids not to saunter down the aisle: "Just make time, just get there, just go." And they show the two women walk really fast down the aisle. That was actually pretty funny. 

Then Maggie walks down the aisle and we see a reporter nearby, whispering into his mic. How did a reporter get into the church? At one point, Maggie pauses and everyone gasps and worries, but she just flashes her iconic Julia Roberts smile and continues down and everyone is relieved and laughs. Her dad takes a photo from the front pew and the flash blinds Ike who blinks and loses eye contact. This makes Maggie panic and she backs away and flees outside where she jumps onto a Fed-Ex truck. Ellie and Fisher watch as Ike runs after her. Ellie asks, "Where do you think she's going?" Fisher replies, "Wherever it is, she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow." I'm sure Fed Ex loved the publicity. To give her credit, Maggie does look guilty as the truck drives her away.

While watching this, I wondered why they made Maggie work at a hardware store because that's so unlikely for a woman in a romcom to work. When a random citizen of Hale reads outloud the headline in the paper the next day, I think they chose this profession for her just to have this punny joke: "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts and Bolts." You know someone was proud when they came up with that. In fact, I bet they came up with that first, then decided to make her work at a hardware store. 

The summer of '99 must have been a really slow time for the news because this story is on the FRONT PAGE (yes, the FRONT PAGE) of USA Today with the headline, "Maggie's Mad Dash." I'm sorry, but WTF? Why would this make the FRONT PAGE of USA Today? Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever heard? 

A couple months later (I'm not really sure how much time has passed, actually) Maggie talks to Ike about why she runs away from things. She tells him, "When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who had no idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would've been a lie. But you knew the real me." She says she didn't know the real her. Before this scene and after the scene where she runs from the wedding, we see a montage of her "finding herself" (I guess). This includes trying different cooked eggs. While talking to her exes, Ike had discovered that they all told him Maggie's favorite kind of eggs were the same way they liked their eggs. And of course we saw Maggie tell Gill she would get a matching tattoo with him (even though hers was fake) and told Bob she would go mountain climbing with him (I wonder how long she would have gone on with the trip before she told him she couldn't climb a freaking mountain?) So apparently she was just making herself into something she wasn't so these guys would like her? Maybe subconsciously she did this because she was worried about her dad and didn't want to leave him? Maybe she just likes the attention and didn't want to be with the same guy? To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure why she ran away from so many relationships and why she did it at the last moment. I mean, it's fine if you don't want to marry someone, but maybe figure that out before the day of the wedding.

I have to complain about the scene where we see Maggie trying all the different eggs. This is one of the stupidest scenes (and there are so many!) because we see a big table with about ten plates that each hold different types of cooked eggs - poached, fried, sunny side up, scrambled, omelette - you name it. Okay, real talk here - if you wanted to see what kind of cooked egg was your favorite, you would realistically cook an egg one way, eat it, then cook the next egg and so on and so forth. Or you would go to a breakfast restaurant (like Le Peep! I don't think that's a chain, but it's this awesome place near where I live that serves breakfast. My mom always orders the Hen Pen) for a week and just order your eggs cooked differently every day. You don't cook all the eggs at once! They're going to get cold and nasty! Anyway, if you're dying to know (because I know you are), Maggie's favorite is eggs Benedict and she hates all other kinds of eggs. She also reveals she hates big weddings "because everyone is staring." WHAT? Then why did she have four of them? She tells Ike, "I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work." Again, why did she have so many weddings with so many invitees? I'm so confused. 

 

Maggie then proposes to Ike and they get married outdoors on a hill top (it was very beautiful) and once the nuptials have been read we see a few of their friends and family appear and everyone is happy Maggie has finally tied the knot. I bet it even made the national news. 

The movie credits end with Mark Anthony singing "You Sang to Me" which is a song I forgot existed, but I totally love.

They should have just made Pretty Woman 2. Big mistake. HUGE.